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James O’Brien questioned on suspicion of arson after furious first time caller spontaneously combusts

Rising local radio star, James O’Brien,  can expect to be questioned on suspicion of arson after a furious first time caller spontaneously combusted.

”It seemed like a normal Tuesday,” B Crachit, the unfortunate caller’s neighbour told LCD Views,

“I’d just finished walking around the block highlighting dog mess with fluorescent paint. I do it 10:30am every morning, without fail.

I was going to my door when I saw smoke coming out of my neighbour Bobby “Brexit” Bobby’s letter slot.”

Crachit said he didn’t think anything of it at first.

”Bobby is always bbq-ing in his living room. He says it’s better for the environment. I thought he was just doing some sausages or something.”

It was only when Crachit entered his own home and heard the radio, which he’d accidentally left on, that he cottoned on to something amiss.

”I heard James having a robust exchange of views with a patriot who was in the middle of dishing out a WW2 history lesson, something about how we would have won the war without the USA, the Commonwealth, the Soviet Union and various European countries, because we’re British, when I twigged it was Bobby “Brexit” Bobby from next door.”

Crachit says he decided he better go around before Bobby got himself “in a spot of bother”, which he was likely to do when talking about WW2.

”I was just about out the door when Bobby started screaming for James to phone 999 for him because he was on fire. I’m not sure, but I think during the exchange he may have accidentally absorbed a fact relating to trading conditions under WTO terms.”

Crachit added that he rushed around to Bobby’s to find him flailing about the front door, still holding his Nokia, attempting to put out the flames licking his bollocks, by shouting,

”They need us more than we need them James! They need us more!”

”That O’Brien is a danger. Luckily I was able to extinguish Bobby this time by rolling him about the lawn. But the chances of a repetition of this shouldn’t be ignored.

If you ask me, it’s time for a little health and safety gone mad before someone gets so hot under the collar, they get a stubble burn.”

Or a pants fire.

We contacted both LBC, James O’Brien and the emergency services for comment, but they said, bugger off, you’re satire.

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Government resists calls to release forecasts detailing cost of shooting UK in one foot, in both feet or just diving head first into a wood chipper

The government is resisting calls to release forecasts detailing the cost of shooting the UK in one foot, in both feet or just diving head first into a wood chipper.

“We can’t let people see these reports, especially not parliament,” a spokesman for DExEU told LCD, “if parliament sees the reports in full they’ll know we’ve gone f*cking bananas.”

It’s understood that pressure is growing regardless, from MP’s and the public, to have the economic forecasts complied by DExEU released in full, so as to better inform the country’s decision makers.

“Look here, look now,” Boxus Barrel-Barn MP, Dorchepper Dimension, commented,

“I’ve got a bloody double barrelled shot gun aimed at my feet. I’ve got my fat, expenses loving finger on the trigger. I need to know what the likely result will be if I go along with the government’s wishes and pull the bloody trigger.”

He’s not alone.

Many MP’s are demanding the release of the documents, faced with the various potential outcomes of the Brexit negotiations.

“I’ve been repeatedly punching myself in the face since the 24th June 2016,” Tory, Tottup-Spiel-Glockem MP, Thrumble on Skirts,

“There’s blood all over the shop. I can’t see anymore. My teeth are rubble. I need to know what’s going to happen if I take it up a notch and get a hammer. Who could possibly tell on their own?”

LCD Views has sympathy with the need for secrecy, as expressed by David Davis and the other bollocks pedlars charged with the difficult task of negotiating the UK’s departure from the largest trading bloc on earth, under the totally believable sun ray of fortune which promises that arms sales to Saudi Arabia will more than make up for the loss of our entire service sector alone.

“I hear Jacob and Owen think the best course of action is just to shove the entire UK headfirst into a f*cking wood chipper and see what comes out the other side,” our political editor commented, “bloody brilliant idea. They’re both keen gardeners. Let’s get going. You first.”

 

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Theresa May’s work phone going straight to voicemail until she works out what she wants

A Downing Street insider has phoned LCD Views, repeatedly, to tell us that Theresa May’s work phone is now just going straight to voicemail until she works out what she wants.

“I was experimenting to see if something was wrong,” the insider said, on the promise of anonymity,

“I stood in the hallway and phoned. The phone is on her desk. But she wouldn’t pick it up.

It just rings with her “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” ring tone for about thirty seconds before the voicemail kicks in.

God knows how Donald is going to get through to her to talk turkey when it’s time to sell U.K. plc to the yanks?”

The insider believes the reason is Ms May is worried Angela Merkel will phone, again, to ask her what she wants, again.

“She has no idea, of course, just a fuzzy idea about being Britain’s greatest prime minister, apart from David Cameron.

Never go out for a quick bite with her. She can stare at a menu with four options and never decide.”

But surely she has some aides who can answer for her?

“She has several. But they aren’t allowed to touch her phone. She’s a bit of a control freak. All detail. No decision.

The aides are mostly in trouble and standing in the corner facing the wall anyway.

It’s a bit of a shambles, if I’m honest. But I love her sense of self appointed authority.”

But what if a Tory party donor tries to phone?

“She’s definitely not answering.

Not all of them think they’ll profit of crashing out of the EU, tanking the currency and flogging off the NHS to the yanks.

Some are actually pretty cheesed off. Which is weird. Money is supposed to always make money. Unless the government is completely screwing up everything.

But that can’t be the case, because the official opposition are aligned on the most important policy matter.”

We asked our insider to try one more time and we’d record the call.

They agreed.

“Nope. Just U2…now the voicemail. God she sounds terrified.

Hello Theresa, it’s Kate Hoey phoning again.

We need to talk soon about how we’re going to stage manage the EU Withdrawal Bill when it returns to the Commons.

I can’t give Starmer the notes if you won’t talk to me. Please phone back. My number is 666. Thank you.”

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Leaked economic forecasts can’t be trusted says government which leaked economic forecasts

Irritable Duncan Syndrome, which is a form of cheese that is permanently off, had to be rolled out of the fridge he’s stored in this morning to rubbish the leaked economic forecasts, on behalf of the government which leaked the economic forecasts.

”What use are any forecasts regarding Brexit if they don’t point to Brexit being a roaring success?” IDS grouched, almost as if living in hell spiritually is tiring.

”I mean, self appointed experts, take me for example and the undeserving and deserving poor, self appointed experts are what we need.

Brexit will be a success if everyone gets behind it.

Excuse me while I vomit up the last remaining shred of my conscience.”

But why leak your own economic forecasts, only to disagree with them?”

”It’s like a vaccine. Which are rubbish, by the way, have you ever seen anyone catch measles after having the measles vaccine? Fat lot of good they are.

Excuse me. I got a bit of what’s left of my soul caught in the crack in one of my molars this morning. I’ll be back. Just got to dig it out.

You don’t have a pencil do you? A sharp one?

I might poke out one eye so I can be king of the blind, while I’m at it.”

That done IDS carried on.

”It’s just sensible government. You dripfeed out the bad news, bit by bit, keeps everyone distracted as you run down the clock.

Then when the proverbial really hits the fan no one is surprised and you can carry on  with the job of government.”

IDS was rolled back to his fridge by his Today programme keepers. So he didn’t totally liquify before his next round of attempting to browbeat the people into submission with dissembled bollocks.

”The people have spoken!” IDS bellowed, as the fridge door closed, “now will someone please tell Humphrys I need him to see to my corns? They’re driving me nutty.”

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Why did the NHS cross the road? Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA

LCD Views has been chosen by DExEU to respond to the leaking of Brexit economic forecasts to Buzzfeed, and thus the rest of the press, by asking a pressing question. Why did the NHS cross the road?

The shocking revelation that the government’s own Brexit economic forecasts range from bit crap, to really crap, to omg we’re all going to starve crap, at least solves the riddle of the David Davis song and dance show regarding said impact assessments.

“You know things are bad when the PM legs it and Irritable Duncan Syndrome is rolled out across the Today programme to irritably dissuade the voters from taking fright,” LCD’s bravest economic analyst said.

“And I quite concur with the government, in rubbishing its own secret forecasts. Firstly, the forecasts don’t take into account the massive post Brexit boost to the UK from the bespoke deal we’re going to successfully negotiate with the EU.”

The one they’ve been saying time and again we won’t get?

“The very same. Also, there’s all that value to be released from the sale of the NHS in exchange for an endless avalanche of antibiotic and hormone fattened, swimming pool strength chickens. You can put your fears to rest.”

That sounds reasonable.

“It’s time we privatised the NHS anyway. To make it more cost efficient to run and more productive. And besides, can you smother a GP in a dozen secret herbs and spices?”

Maybe, if you know them well enough.

“How many ducks does a cardiac specialist weigh?”

No idea. Guess it’s bespoke?

“How many eggs can a nurse or a primary care specialist lay, in a day?”

Good question.

“So don’t take fright. It will all be alright. Once the Brexit chickens come home to roost. Oh, and we’ve sold off our most loved public asset in a fire sale beginning at 11pm, 29th March, 2019.”

That’s cleared up that riddle.

“Why did the NHS cross the road?” asked our economic expert, switching to dad joke mode.

“Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA. Have a nice day.”

NHS, you know you love it! Mmm.

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Woman safe in her day job as no one else is crazy enough to want it

Prime Minister Theresa May is secure in her position, claim political experts. Although we will not publish the full analysis here, we will instead offer a précis. Nobody in their right mind would touch the job with a bargepole.

This begs the question, who in their right minds would get into the cabinet, or even go into politics in the first place?

It is clear, though, that only the most deluded egomaniac with no real idea about how diplomacy works would even consider the job at present.

The 1922 Committee has already put feelers out to Donald Trump.

Trump made encouraging noises. “I could run the UK! In between holes of golf! I could be King Donald! I love Englandshire! Great!”

Unfortunately for him, the lack of an invitation to the forthcoming Royal Wedding has ruled him out.

Besides, Boris Johnson is unlikely to tolerate another incoherent blond clown on his patch.

One of the co-authors of the analysis, Lewsin McRedibility, spoke to LCD Views. The report, entitled “Passing On The Poisoned Chalice: Passing The Prime Ministerial Buck” is due to be published shortly.

“We analysed the post of Prime Minister, and decided which personal qualities it needed,” explained McRedibility.

“Guts, conviction, charisma, eloquence, and the ability to lie convincingly under pressure. Cameron was a spineless wimp, Blair an empty façade. The less said about Gordon Brown the better!”

“May is one of those least unacceptable figures, like John Major. PM by default,” he continued.

“But with Brexit there is another strand to the job. Brexit can only weaken the UK’s global standing, yet the PM must be seen to be proving what a bloody good idea it is.

None of the current bunch is up to the task of convincing the public, which is odd, since most of them are lawyers. It has become the job nobody wants, like England football manager.”

So, what about the current crop of likely lads? Boris is a liability; Hammond refuses to even try to embrace Brexit; Hunt, Gove, Rees-Mogg and Fox are too universally loathed; David Davis needs assistance putting his trousers on the right way.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Enter St Nigel of Farage. Let’s hope Boris will lend him a wig and a red nose.

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Shock horror for rich Quitter as he discovers his new €800K Maltese passport isn’t blue

“I only want to take away freedom of movement from the poor”, explains Christian  Scandaler, a rich Brexit backer, who recently bought himself a Maltese passport, in order to keep his freedom of movement after Brexit, “I’m shocked, horrified, to realise in order to do it I have to own a second passport that’s not patriot blue.”

We spoke to Christian Scandaler just after he had opened the package containing his new Maltese passport.

It was supposed to be a happy moment. A moment of relief. It was anything but.

”How am I supposed to show my face at the shadowy think tank gatherings now?” he asked.

“Maybe it’s a mistake? Maybe the Maltese authorities intended to send me a blue passport? I hope this is not a horrible prank?”

We didn’t know what to say.

We’d figured Christian was aware his new Maltese passport would be burgundy, but he was prepared to suffer that ignominy as part and parcel of doing his bit for Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Edition, The Reboot.

Christian is not alone.

He  is one of the growing list of extremely wealthy businessmen backing Brexit, and doing their utmost to end freedom of movement for ordinary wage earners, who have sensibly purchased an EU passport from a remaining EU27 country happy to sell one.

”It’s a good thing the little countries of the EU are a bit cash strapped and the big beasts haven’t yet gotten around to working with them to end the racket. Otherwise, what would wealthy British patriots do?

Christ, we could find ourselves applying for visas like the poor people will have to.

I’m trying to do my bit for Britain. To crush democratic reforms of recent decades. To properly take back control of the working conditions of the plebs. But not this way. Not like this. Not burgundy.”

Cyprus and Austria will sell you one too, by the way. In case you’re in the market and cashed up.

“I guess I can buy a blue passport cover?” Christian is getting desperate now.

“Then if I am quick enough, when I whip the burgundy passport out in the prepay, express line at immigration control, maybe no one will notice?

€800K+ is a lot to pay, well, not for me, but still, it’s a lot to pay to keep frictionless travel across borders as we make a success of Brexit.

I guess I’ll get used to keeping a burgundy passport, in time, as I watch all the silly plebs who voted for Brexit stand in long lines.”

We hope so too Christian, for your sake, and for the sake of all rich Brexit backing hypocrites, we really hope so too. We couldn’t have you feeling blue.

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LCD Views’ shock poll reveals the two shocking things remain supporters shockingly want

LCD Views’ shock poll of remain voters has revealed the two shocking things the majority of remain voters want most and they are shocking!

We asked a random sample of shocked people who voted remain in the last ballot ever needed in the United Kingdom (the one on June 8th 2017 doesn’t count, because it returned a complicated result, according to both leaders of both main parties) what they wanted most of the next couple of years upon this spitting, spinning ball of rock?

“Definitely to see Nigel Farage stay alive,” was the most common response.

We admit, we were a little shocked.

We are personally glad the milk of human kindness still flows deep enough to be concerned with the physical well being of a walking clusterf*ck of a human being, such as Nigel, but we didn’t necessarily expect to hear such an overwhelming response from a random sample of politically opposed voters.

So we dug a little deeper and asked why?

“So he can see the Brexit project collapse and die, why else?”

Ah, it all makes sense.

And the second shock result?

“To finally be able to come to an answer on the most pressing question I’ve been asking my partner since the 24th June 2016.”

Which is?

“If Brexit actually happens, should we move to France or Spain?”

Why limit yourselves to just those two, we’re sure all EU countries will make it easy for disaffected Brits to relocate, with the assets and their belief in a project that has grown to be so much more than the corporate club the Lexit crowd anachronistically still think it is?

“Fair enough, we’ll see who makes the most attractive offer.”

France or Spain? Greece, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, Denmark, France or Spain?

The list goes on to include 27 countries eventually. Take your pick.”

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Have a go hero rumoured charged with assault after taking a good, hard look at himself in the mirror

LCD Views’ crime and punishment correspondent has heard that secretary of state for ballsing up in Europe, David Davis, has been arrested and charged with assault after taking a good, hard look at himself in the mirror.

“He was warned by his therapist not to look in the mirror sober,” our source at the Met alleges,

“Apparently, he was woken up this morning early, by the fox terrier next door banging its toy against the party wall, and he decided he needed to micturate.

He went to the bathroom and accidentally saw his reflection in the bathroom cabinet’s door mirror.”

It’s believed Mr Davis stared at himself for several minutes.

“It’s the first time he’s taken stock of himself since about 1982. And the longer he looked the more furious he became.”

All those youthful ideals first compromised, before being abandoned?

“Oh, I don’t know if he got that deep in. To be honest, he probably only dipped in his toe. But it was enough.”

It’s believed Mr Davis refused to back down, even after he saw Mr Davis’s eyes clouded with first irritation, and then proper rage.

“A neighbour called the police when they heard what sounded like a wild struggle occurring. Reportedly, there was so much screaming and swearing, they thought a drunken rugger team had fallen out with themselves after a night on the tiles.”

While this report is not confirmed, it’s believed Mr Davis is currently hoping to get bail in time to appear before the House of Lords EU Committee at 2:35 this afternoon.

“To be honest, if he can’t get bail, it will be a relief of the Lords. They’ve actually got work to do, unlike David Davis, who’s more of a sideshow.”

Apparently it was all the lies that set him off.

“When he realised that he’d been lying to himself all these years, he just lost it.”

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DExEU to shift legal headquarters to Panama for duration of Brexit transition period

LCD Views is delighted to report that the cabinet deadlock over what to ask for during the Brexit negotiations, and what rules the UK must adhere to during the transition, has been resolved by the decision to shift the legal headquarters of DExEU to Panama, for the duration of the transition.

“This is a perfect way to square the circle,” T. Dodge, minister at DExEU told LCD Views,

“we were having serious trouble providing businesses with enough time to relocate to the EU, but enable the people who have pushed for, and promoted, and paid for Brexit, a legal way to evade the new EU anti-tax avoidance measures which kick off in 2019.”

It’s believed later today, Theresa May will drag David Davis out of the House of Commons bar and into a toilet.  Once inside she will give him a burner mobile phone and force him to call Angela Merkel.

“Theresa doesn’t want to talk to Angela, if she can avoid it.

She asks really personal questions, like, what do you want?

It’s not Angela’s place to seek answers to private, existential questions from our prime minister.

David will be so smashed, after a good lunch, he’ll just bulldoze though the conversation.

We’re moving to Panama Angela and there’s f*ck all you can do about it! Something like that.

Followed up with, take your new anti-tax avoidance measures and shove it!”

And one of the upsides too, is that this will be a move that will not involve any job losses.

“We will only need to hire one lawyer on Panama to make the shift work. So that’s a lot of London based jobs protected.”

It’s believed the cabinet disorder will settle now that a solution has been found to the sticky answer of how to avoid the new anti-tax avoidance measures, which is one of the primary drivers behind Brexit.

“We can use the transition time now to build a giant skyscraper post box in Westminster to act as the legal address for corporations and individuals, who will need sanctuary from the tyrannical EU’s tyrannical attempts to make corporations and individuals help pay for civil society.

The 8% of global wealth that’s hidden in tax havens needs a champion. UK plc can fulfil that role as we emerge from the xenophobia soaked chrysalis into the beautiful butterfly of Brexit.”