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Dyson reveals design for a revolutionary new PM that sucks even harder

Legendary British patriot and inventor of things that suck to varying degrees, James ‘I only move money offshore because I love Blighty so much it hurts’ Brexit Dyson has revealed plans for a revolutionary new prime minister who sucks even harder.

LCD Views’ political technology correspondent spoke to the legend himself to hear more.

“Do you ever get the feeling when you look at Theresa May that she doesn’t quite suck enough?” Dyson asked.

No. We don’t. We think she’s at about 200,000 watts already.

“Do you ever think, if I designed a prime minister, they would suck even harder than this one?”

Who is interviewing who here?

“Well I do. When I’m counting my money in my little house in Malaysia, wondering how to get more tax efficient, because that’s how much I love England, I pause with my pencil above the yellow legal pad and I realise if I designed a prime minister they would suck even harder.”

Finally a statement and not a question.

“Do you know what I’m going to do about it?”

Here we go again.

“I’m going to design a Brexit prime minister that sucks even harder than Theresa May. A Brexit prime minister that will just crash out of the EU and let the chips fall where they may.”

Dyson went on to reveal he has already finished the sketches and his perfect prime minister to lead the country through these troubled times would look something like a fop caricature from the Edwardian period. Maybe even earlier.

“Do you ever decide to go on an ideological crusade against one of the pins underpinning peace in Europe since WW2 because you lost a battle about environmental standards on vacuum cleaners years ago? And you’re so convinced of your God given right to do whatever the hell you want that you can’t handle it?”

Finally one we can answer.

“No. We don’t. What’s the tax regime like in Malaysia?”

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May’s new red line on migrants will stop Brits fleeing to EU27 in transition time

Theresa May has gotten tough on those seeking to emigrate away from Brexit Britain in the transition period saying, “We will stop Brits permanently fleeing the country during the transition period.”

We spoke to our Democratic People’s Republic of Britain correspondent, who heard the landmark speech in China.

“I was eating my favourite dim sum at a little restaurant in a side street when I accidentally looked at Twitter.” M. Flatley said, “I almost choked on my sticky pork buns.”

The speech was a play, Flatley suggests, to keep the racists in May’s party happy.

”With declining membership of the Conservative Party, as old and nostalgic racists die, this will boost recruitment, May thinks.”

But how will the EU27 respond?

”They will welcome the move with open arms.

Imagine a flow of well educated people committed to your values seeking sanctuary away from a country increasingly pitching itself to the world as an isolationist, xenophobic and frankly clueless in order to strike new trade deals from a substantially weaker position than previously? Let them come.”

It’s not clear how the audience of Chinese politicians and officials received the speech, but we are prepared to take a wild stab in the dark.

”May is a ridiculous and weak leader who has no control of party or country, which is not respected,” Flatley stabs in the dark.

”Furthermore, she has exceptionally weird timing. Over here saying send your students and send your cash and by the way, we don’t like Europeans, imagine what we really think of you in May’s universe of idiocy?”

It’s probably about time this prime minister and her party of ageing dust mites of hate were swept from office.

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Chinese hackers reveal password for Britain’s first talking computer is just password

Chinese hackers successfully hacked Britain’s first talking computer today after discovering, to their amazement, that the password was just “password”.

“We truly were stunned,” one told LCD Views’ technology analyst on the condition of anonymity, “we thought this was going to be tougher than hacking Donald Trump’s twitter account. It was.”

It seems a select group of hackers, employed by the Chinese government, have been preparing for the tour of Britain’s first talking computer, nicknamed ‘the Maybot’, for weeks.

“We only found out the Maybot was going on tour a few weeks ago,” our source revealed, “that in itself was a little surprising. Such little planning for such a major event? But we have been hard at training ever since.”

It’s believed, although successful in their mission to hack inside the talking computer, which impressively can also walk, the hackers have not been able to steal anything much of interest.

“There’s a few important phrases stored. Brexit means Brexit. Breakfast means breakfast. Red, white and blue breakfast,” the source continued,

“But mostly it’s an altogether weirder experience. It took us a little while to work out what we were looking at. But we realised in the end.”

Well, what was it? What did you steal? Britain’s secrets are now already for sale on the dark web we suppose?

“No. Don’t be silly. Why would we give away what we’ve worked years to achieve?

What we found inside was a computer representation of a human mind frozen in complete terror and unable to decide between fright or flight.”

It’s believed the agent controlling the group was less than impressed by this.

“Our controller said if he wanted to know in advance what an entry for next year’s Turner Prize looked like, he wouldn’t bother, because he doesn’t want to know. Although, personally I think the whole hard drive was probably fried by the millennium bug years ago.”

Nonetheless, they’ve been ordered to go back in and keep going until they found something compromising.

“We’re not allowed out until we get something that can be used to blackmail the next British PM into letting us build another nuclear power plant, but this time inside Westminster Abbey.

Oh, there was another thing. It seems the Maybot has been told to solve only one puzzle.”

Which is?

“Can Britain use gunboat diplomacy again, after Brexit, to force the Chinese to buy drugs from Britain and give you lots of cash? We can save you the bother. The answer is no, you can’t.”

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UK slams its bedroom door shouting “EU are not my real parents!”

The EU is prepared to take a deep breath and let the UK sulk. To teach it a lesson, it will give the UK exactly what it wants. With strings attached.

“I just want to help him learn about the real world,” the EU told LCD’s Personified Multinational Trading Blocs correspondent. “The sooner the UK grows up and starts behaving like a responsible country the better. I know best, I AM his parent, although goodness knows who his father is.”

So, how will it work?

“Independence means Independence,” said the EU. “So I have put a lock on the outside of his door which is stronger than the lock on the inside.”

“You can’t do this to me” I have rights!” yelled the UK. “I’m allowed out, but you aren’t allowed in!”

“Leave means Leave,” replied the EU. “So you will no longer be permitted to raid the fridge in the middle of the night.”

“I’ll starve myself to death and then you’ll be sorry!”

“Brexit means Brexit,” continued the EU. “So you will no longer be able to rely on me to bail you out of trouble, or pick you up from your friend’s house at 1am.”

“You are ruining my life!”

“Cliff edge means you will not get any more leg-ups or preferential treatment,” the EU persisted. “In practice, this means that the stairs are now out of bounds.”

“Don’t care.”

“Getting your sovereignty back means the UK will receive no more subsidies from me,” said the EU. “No more pocket money. Go out and get a job. And stop whining!”

“I’ll go and live with someone who understands me,” declared the UK. “China, or North Korea, or the USA.”

“And when they get sick of you? Don’t come running back here begging to be let in again. It’s not going to happen! Off you go, and remember, you brought this on yourself.”

“IT’S NOT FAIR!”

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London rejects EU deal on financial services because new banking passports aren’t blue

Downing Street hit back today at the increasingly desperate EU by rejecting an offer on financial services post Brexit because the new bank passports on offer will not be blue.

“Haven’t they heard?” DExEU lapdog and  minister, Steve Baker MP, “we’re not taking your burgundy rubbish anymore! Unless, unless you’re a backer of Brexit and wish to retain freedom of movement post Brexit, in which case you’ll spend about a million quid to buy citizenship, otherwise, forget it!”

The EU are said to be quaking after Downing Street slapped their burgundy offer back in their faces.

“They can’t handle it,” Baker, lapdog and minister, went on, “We beat them in two world wars, three if you count Napoleon, all on our own and we’ll bloody well beat them again if we have to. We still know how to set a ship on fire! Are you listening EU? Do you get me?”

It’s not certain how the city of London is taking the firm stance adopted by Theresa May’s government, regarding the colour of any future banking passport.

We’re certain a terrified representative will pop up on the radio tomorrow morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, Today programme, BBC4, to attempt to diplomatically say something like,

“We’re not supposed to overtly get involved in politics. Lobby the hell out of the government behind closed doors, that goes without saying. But not overtly. So I’m going to say a few measured words and hope you interpret from them that I am dying inside, a little more, each and every day this Brexit insanity goes on.”

Steve Baker had more to say,

“I’ll shortly be nailing my letter to the door of the EU in Brussels setting out our demands for blue banking passports post Brexit. No colour but patriotic, British blue or they can forget about access to our financial markets.”

How do you think they’ll like that?

“They’ll be trembling sunshine. Just dying in their boots. After all, they need us more than we need them. Never forget it.”

Mr Baker then left to go into a dark, quiet room and weep quietly for how different his expectations of a carer in politics are turning out from the reality.

More on this as it comes to hand. As long as it’s the right colour, in the hand.

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Labour to table amendment to EU Withdrawal Bill that allows them to play music as the country sinks

Sad King Starmer has warned the governing DUP party that when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons they will be tabling an additional amendment which gives only Labour the job of playing the music as the country sinks without trace, breaks into its separate nations, before falling back into a dark age squabble over who can get killed by Vikings more often.

“This is the official opposition opposing,” an aide to Sad King Keir told LCD Views, “the Tories want to play Theresa May’s work mobile phone ringtone, Ride of the Valkyries,

as the waves build on the horizon,

rise high and higher,

before crashing into the White Cliffs and crushing them,

dragging them back out as the giant sea monster Brexitus Brexitius inhales its momentous and human hating breath, before exhaling doom across England again.

Who remembers the lessons of the world wars of the 20th Century in the UK today?

Only continental Europe, Scotland and Northern Ireland does! On balance, if you take the ref result.

Who wants to back the vision of Nigel ‘needs a sineater’ Farage?

The man who stood in front of a billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda on the day Jo Cox was butchered by a far right terrorist? Our parliament does!

Because that is Brexit!

How can our MP’s (not all, notable exceptions) not keep in mind?

How can they as a body not be guided by Jo like a light on the hill in the distance that offers sanctuary from the rising tide of the night?

Labour don’t think the Tories getting to choose the music is fair.

The Cons got to start the party,.

Granted they own the majority of the real estate, the whole tower block, but Labour are playing warden in that crumbling beehive of looming inequity, still…the Tories, yes,

with David “pissweakspinelessrunsfromanyseriousfightlikeapropertoffbully” Cameron being too weak to face down UKIP!

I mean, don’t get me started, UKIP?

Funded (allegedly) by dark money, a people’s army of idiots, racists and ageing daydreamers and neocon capitalists, and David…oh whatever.

Let’s not forget George “Wonder Economist” Osborne either.

North filled austerity king in his shiny jackets and hard hats,

(keep going from your castle keep at the Evening Standard George! I do like that! It’s even warming me up to you some son! Pay your bill, even if your motives are personal.

Get your payback on Theresa “humiliated me like older, bile encrusted Tories did, before when I wanted to be party leader back in the 00’s!

“And they crushed me with a hard hand on the rump so ferociously I couldn’t sit down for days, but it made me, tempered me into the killer renegade I now am, re-tempered by the robot PM dishing out humiliation again in 2016″,

Both should be given a bloody medal, that bursts into flames and singes their hands, so they’ll have trouble counting all the bloody money they’re still making,

even though, even though, they’ve pushed the country to the point of ruin.

Before Dave left to wander about all seventy five rooms of his mansion, occasionally ducking out to his man cave, shepherd’s hut shed, to cry alone about how his plans to be bigger than Churchill fell to ruin,

a shed which cost more than the average annual income in Brexitland, and he had the gall to go in a big splash across the papers, look at me!

The new Dave!

Does anyone know a good stylist? Sam says I’m a bit drab.

I’m pimping myself out for a job sucking cash out of the…well….lobbying Chinese billionaires to buy big flaming pieces of Blighty!

And then here’s the Maybot, unable to update any of her files, just crashing again and again into the door to her office at Downing Street, can’t find the way out, reboot, reboot, reboot, like a malfunctioning, badly made, floor robot that is only good for sucking up dead spiders from the corners,

blue screen, spinning wheel, useless as tits on all the bulls, not just one, give her the whole herd.

So yeah, let’s not be completely unbalanced, let’s let Labour ‘we want Brexit/Lexit so every class, bar the top 1% we want to guillotine, is eating out of bins,

so we get real social change of the revolutionary kind,

so we’re going to whip our MP’s who know this is a horrible idea, to vote with May,

till the skin and flesh flies off their backs in big, wet chunks and sticks to the sweaty, facial cheeks of the grim faced hole of a man holding the cat o’ nine tails’,

who is he?

He’s historical amnesia, that’s who he is, he’s the beast that almost destroyed the world.

Is that really how people are starting to view us now? That bad?”

Yes Labour! A lot. Sigh. Right or wrong.

You’ve still time to change course and carry the country with you.

But you’re on the clock too. Damn your eyes!

“No, you yellow Tory you, we just want to play the theme music at the end.”

The motion is expected to receive cross party support.

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MP’s secretly dropping support for Brexit like it’s a bag of flaming shit

LCD Views’ parliamentary reporter has phoned in from a pub off Westminster Green to reveal MP’s are dropping support for Brexit like a bag of flaming shit.

”It’s an obscure bit of legislation attached to the 1974 European Economic Communities act,” O. Cromwell reports,

”basically, the law links the future pensions, and the present ability to claim expenses, to the success of any future EU withdrawal bill. And curiously, demands, post any withdrawal, that supportive MP’s only eat imported American grown food. Nice bit of foresight.”

It seems very few members for parliament are aware of the existence of the law, named ‘the decline and fall blowback provision’.

”So few MP’s have engaged in any serious investigation of the ramifications of Brexit, that hardly any we’re aware Brexit may have a personal, financial cost.”

Is that because most are confident they can just hide in the shadows, let the disaster happen, and then say,

‘I was only following orders. Can I have my pension now please? I’m retiring to work on the board of a company linked to the ministry I worked at while in government?’

”Something like that. Teflon suit sales are booming. It’s one of the key British industries that are finding tangible benefits from Brexit.”

But can’t MP’s just repeal the bill and continue to claim?

”In theory yes. However, they would have to abolish the constitutional monarchy to do so, thanks to the link to the “absolutist reform bill” of 1689, which linked any future European Treaties, designed by a post war generation of MP’s, to the threat of return of absolutism. Very few are willing to do that.

They don’t want to be remembered as the generation that elected a president, especially with what’s going on across the pond. Although, arguably, the Henry VIII powers in the EU Withdrawal Bill are doing more than that, if passed.”

So Brexit is finished?

”We’ll have to see about that. The majority of MP’s really backing Brexit, the ultras, keep their cash offshore in US and Euro accounts. The bigger the disaster, the bigger the profit for them and the gaggle of dark money backers of Brexit. This might just encourage them.”

How will Labour respond to this?

”They’ll have Keir Starmer write a ditty and play the ukulele in the commons, like usual, but they’re likely as things stand, to be the last party still holding the flaming bag of shit.”

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Institute for Shambles warns UK’s shambles clock has moved to one minute to midnight

The Institute for (World Class) Shambles has issued a warning that the UK’s shambles clock has moved to one minute to midnight.

”It’s been this close a few times before. The banking crisis. The Seuz crisis. That time Colonel Melchett was made Secretary of Defence, pretty much all of the 1640’s was actually midnight, but this is the first time for a while it’s been this close.”

The Institute does clarify that we’ve been moving steadily through the seconds since the general election in 2015.

But what’s nudged the minute hand to one minute to midnight now?

”The government crying leak and we’ll find the traitor, over the financial assessments it wrote, lied to conceal, then finally decided to leak in order to vaccinate the voters with small pox before they catch the full blown yersini pestis of Brexit. That was two minutes to midnight. May losing the vote on her deal and sticking her fingers in her ears has us at one minute to midnight.”

That just sounds like sound governance, surely?

”Well, if it were in anyway conceivable that this was part of an organised strategy and not just a bunch of headless chickens running around 10 Downing Street crashing into walls, I’d grant you that possibility.”

You’ee saying it’s not part of an overall sound and well considered strategy? Surely that’s not possible. Strong and stable. You remember that.

”Are you having me on? We’re a serious bunch of scientists. We don’t laugh when we’re dealing with a complete and utter breakdown of common sense in the parliament of an industrialised economy.”

So how do we turn back the clock?

”You could try Brexit?”

You almost had me there for a heartbeat.

”I like to kid about sometimes. But not for long at one minute to midnight on the Shambles clock.”

What should we do then?

”Set your alarm for five seconds to midnight and just run.”

Where to?

”Hopefully the ballot box.”

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Immigrants have taken our jobs, say invading Anglo Saxons

The once-mighty overlords, having reached an “understanding” with the Danes, have been usurped by the Norman Conquerors. Frenchmen have been in power since 1066 and have taken the best jobs in Britain. The deposed Anglo Saxons are not happy.

“They took our jobs and our homes,” Jacob the Supplanter told LCD Views, from his hovel in Somerset. “We just want to be able to get on with ruling the Britons in peace. We want our country back.”

Oh yes, the Britons. Long time natives of this sceptred isle, they have been forced to the margins by the incoming Anglo Saxons, the Danes, and many other Europeans. The Danelaw lay between the Saxon kingdoms of Northumbria and Mercia, so the Britons retreated into the mountainous hinterlands beyond Hadrian’s Wall and Offa’s Dyke. They were shown little Mercia.

“We intend to fight for the right to make our own Danelaws,” continued Jacob. He cited the recent victory of the Battle of Stamford Bridge, but hoped to hold the rematch at the rather larger Wembley Stadium. “We always win on penalties,” he concluded optimistically.

The Anglo Saxons are themselves immigrants. Jacob himself is typical, being an ardent Welsh muggle with a Hebrew name. The Anglo-Saxons have been displaced from their home lands by rampaging Slavs, Bulgars and Alans. It must be galling to be overrun first by Alans then by Normans. The Anglo Saxons must dread an influx of Brians or Geralds.

This fatal inability to hold back the tide was demonstrated by the Danish King Cnut, during a seaside holiday one particularly wet August. Cnut and his courtiers, using only toy buckets and spades, attempted to build a wall of sand to hold back the sea. They failed, Cnut shamefacedly claiming that it was an attempt to demonstrate the weakness and vanity of man. What a Cnut.

The Anglo Saxons are bereft of land, money and ideas. They have resorted to creating monosyllabic profanities, while the Normans fart in their general direction.

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May offers Royal family to China in shock sale and leaseback deal to pay for Brexit

Great news for supporters of Brexit this evening with the revelation that British prime minister, Theresa May, will sell the British Royal Family lock, stock and barrel. to China during this week’s little work trip, and hope they’ll consider a leaseback deal.

The rumoured asking price for the country’s best china will be £500 billion pounds, which will be a bargain, given China no longer has a queen.

LCD Views spoke to our only royal watcher, Purtle Bertle Turtle Mertle Dertle, to learn the finer details.

“It’s making the best of a rum job,” Purtle said,

“no one else knows this, but Brexit is actually going to totally tank the economy, it’s actually already started doing it.

The construction industry has a cold.

Carillion is the first of a series of dominos.

We need to sell some of the family silver to pay for it or we can’t keep going to the sort of absolute ruin Jacob Rees-mogg believes will allow him to keep indentured fieldworkers like his gran did.”

Have the royals been consulted on the sale? And potentially leaseback?

“Who cares? Remember when the Queen trolled May with that EU themed hat?

Or maybe it was the EU Flag Mafia guy who did it?

Doesn’t matter. Theresa has been planning this since that day.”

It’s not yet certain if the Chinese will accept the asking price.

“They presumably would rather wait until April 2019.

But if they do they run the risk of Trump and other American neocons getting in first and cheery picking the best royals.

If I were them, I’d take the job lot. Then lease them back to us. They can loan us the money to pay for the leasebacks while they’re at it. Brilliant deal.”

But what about the loss to the economy from the tourists who only come to see the Queen? If we can’t lease them back?

”Economy? Have you read the forecasts for Brexit. Exonomy. Don’t be silly. We’re not going to have an economy. Fat lot of good the royals will do us then.”

Any royals returned by China as um, well, perhaps having poor taste in jokes, will be offered for private sale on eBay to interested parties also buying munitions, resident in the Middle East.