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State schools told to prepare for food shortages so Eton doesn’t have to

KEEP ‘EM HUNGRY KEEP ‘EM KEEN : The United Kingdom is a world leader in both the food bank and free school meals sector. Few industrialised countries that aren’t the USA prepare their underprivileged youth with such vigour for the dog eat dog world of reduced employment rights and job insecurity.

Thanks to the sensible, self-imposed limitations of Brexit the U.K. is set to ramp up the way it prepares poorer children for endless Tory rule. Food supplies are in crisis and the crisis needs to be digested by the right people in the right institutions.

“Feed Your Betters is a new campaign we’re launching in all schools,” a Department of Education spokesman told LCD Views. “Poor children will be asked to skip meals to ensure that their more intelligently born contemporaries have their nutritional needs met so they physically develop properly in order to go on to govern their lessers.”

The scheme will involve coordination across government departments with the Home Office assisting the Education Secretary, while the Chancellor ensures the purse strings are loose enough so that no one actually perishes from hunger fast, but tight enough to ensure low born are thinking about food more than their lessons.

“The Food Enforcement Police will intercept and divert lorries full of fresh produce from their intended destinations of state schools full of shabby never do wells and divert the food to Eton, Harrow, Basket, Hive and other vital institutions to guarantee the future of strong and stable governance in the United Kingdom.”

But it won’t all be one way traffic. The born to rule youngsters will daily select one bread roll which will be returned to a state school chosen by lottery. The bread roll will have several weevils inserted prior to return to make sure it includes the right level of protein to meet new means tested guidance.

“A live stream will broadcast the poor children fighting in a ring over the bread roll with the victor receiving a standing ovation over zoom from the better kids. Just imagine your pride when your bruised and battered offspring hold the bloodied roll, or what is left of it, up to the webcam.”

There were thoughts of having the posh kids actually visit to watch the bread brawling in person but this has been put on hold for the time being.

The Education Department explained why.

“Do you want several future prime ministers exposed to that nasty cold which is out of control in state schools all at once? You don’t want to risk the next Cameron or Johnson getting an illness that might cause chronic conditions in their childhood. That’s an advantage squarely pegged for the deserving poor.”

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BREAKING : Food to become new must have status symbol thanks to Brexit!

TASTING THE BENEFITS OF BREXIT : It’s with surprise that esteemed parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg’s prediction that food and clothing would become significantly cheaper post Brexit is wrong. The shockwaves are reverberating.

The surprise is doubled given the reputation for accuracy Brexiters have. They are essentially all superforecasters and not deceitful shitebergs who only showed the tip of their shiteberginess during the years leading up to the UK freeing itself from Brussels.

But while food shortages and price hikes will now become normal it’s not all bad. There are tangible benefits to be tasted.

“Food is to become a must have luxury symbol,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Something we’re all very proud of. Imagine one of your political donors buying you the edible equivalent of a new Ferrari each and every day? People will be sooooo jealous.”

Of course the reinvention of food as a luxury commodity is already secure for millions of British men, women and children.

“We’ve been striving tirelessly since 2010 to make food something with a certain cache. The massive growth in the food bank sector is proof of the strides we’ve taken. This is why so many Tory MPs proudly do photo shoots at food banks. Celebrate your achievements. Publicise them. Thanks to Brexit we can extend these wins to cover the mass of people on our island.”

People will be encouraged to strive for food like never before as Brexit teething problems become the new normal.

“Just imagine the jealously your family and friends, neighbours and work mates will have to conceal when they see you having lunch? Once you would have had to get a massive house and a sports car, but because of Brexit all you will soon need to do is go grocery shopping.”

Brexit, if it were edible, you’d choke on it.

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Boris Johnson cuts short holiday to take a vacation

LIFE’S A BEACH: Under pressure PM Boris Johnson has been forced by circumstances to cut short his holiday. This is due to pressure from a Tory donor richer and more powerful than the one funding his current jolly. 

Johnson, as we all know so well, is a man of principle. His principal principle is to chase the largest benefit available to himself. So he is cutting short his £40,000 holiday to take up the offer of an £80,000 vacation. 

The Nolan Principles and the Ministerial Code have been officially consigned to history. They are so out of date and frankly socialist. Instead Parliament is now obliged to adhere to the Rule of Boris. This states that the primary and overriding obligation of an MP is to to push their snout into more and deeper troughs. 

The mystique of Mustique are so old hat. This is a golden opportunity for wealthy vultures seeking favours. While there is a Prime Minister so self serving and bribeable as Johnson, rich men will fall over themselves to do him favours, in the expectation that bigger favours will flow their way. This is a world in which an investment in an £80,000 holiday will result in enormous opportunities. For example, the sole right to sell health insurance to the public so they may access the soon-to-be privatised NHS. 

Here, at last, is one of the promised Brexit Opportunities! The only criteria to access these Opportunities are being wealthy, being well connected, and possessing absolutely no morals whatsoever. 

Ultimately, the PM and indeed the entire cabinet will be being paid handsomely to be on holiday 52 weeks of the year. And who will step into the void? Who cares, things will sort themselves out in time. We Are British. We will muddle through. What does it matter if the plague-ridden plebs slowly starve to death? 

Follow the money. Boris Johnson always does. 

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Parliament provides link to ongoing Commons debate over daily pandemic death toll

THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE : The House of Commons has “bowed to media pressure” and will be providing the daily, live link to the ceaseless debate in the Commons over the “level of citizens it’s acceptable to lose to an infectious disease that can be controlled with basic measures”.

Pressure on 10 Downing Street to televise the hours of detailed, sober and scientifically based discussion over strategies for minimalising the spread of the lethal virus has been growing within the Conservative Parliamentary Party and from the Official Opposition.

“We didn’t just have some endless culture war over masks and then pursue herd immunity via natural infection, regardless of the avoidable loss, because we’ve all got private health care,” one Tory MP told LCD Views.

“We need to calibrate the response to the disease to ensure the right balance between personal freedoms and eradicating those in our communities in time for Priti Patel to try half of you for thought crime. To do anything else would be like some bargain basement autocracy that doesn’t care if ordinary people die avoidably, so long as those who survive can be gas lit into continuing to support the supreme leader, and indulge his craven need to feel powerful. In fact to do anything else would be to open yourself up to the accusation you’re an irresponsible government, internationally irresponsible with it, and the plebs just got lucky the boffins came up with those jabs in time or you’d all be having us go medieval on your arse.”

The livestream will be shown on terrestrial TV as well as digital channels to ensure maximum accessibility.

“My golly goodness!” the MP added, “can you imagine the loss daily to families if we’d just become used to old Boris ruling like a tyrant with powers he’s completely unsuitable to hold because we had to get Brexit done? It’d be carnage.”

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List of Brexit backing MPs sacrificing salaries to boost pay of HGV drivers released

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Fantastic news today for British voters worried about the sinking standards in public life with the release of the exhaustive list of MPs willing to take responsibility for the calamity that is Brexit.

“It’s not just Brexiters, famous Lexiters were also asked to step up to the plate, given that their plans were almost indistinguishable from Brexiters, just spun as more cuddly,” a Westminster correspondent told LCD Views. “And their validation of the concept of departure from Europe was, and remains, as batshit crazy as the Brexiters. Just more confusing, given all the rights membership conferred on people just because they were people. And not because of their bank balances.”

It’s understood no less a man than Prime Minister Boris Johnson decided to compile the list after the news finally reported some negative blowback from the campaign he championed, and not just the news in Europe.

“Mr Johnson was the first to hold the blank paper in his hand and think about signing it,” the correspondent continues, “before passing it along to the next MP.”

The aim of the list is to promote the idea of salary sacrifice among MPs to help towards the increasing costs of hiring HGV drivers.

“Basically it’s about wealth redistribution from the people who stuffed up the country to the people who somehow have to cope with that. You can guarantee the Brexiters won’t know how to fix what they’ve broken. They didn’t know what it was they were breaking in the first place.”

The list will be published on all major news sources so Brits can see MPs set up to the plate in meaningful ways and attempt to make amends for the calamity they’ve delivered.

“It’s an oven ready list,” the correspondent confirms, “may as well just set fire to the paper now and be done with it.”

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Boris Johnson to boost popularity ratings by never appearing in public again

IT IS BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AND BE THOUGHT A FOOL: Especially if, like Boris Johnson, you have blagged yourself into a job in the public eye. Johnson is the Prime example of Great British Management Theory. This states, essentially, that the ability to sell yourself in a posh voice trumps expertise every time. 

Johnson could have followed the example of Ronald Reagan, a second rate actor who did a second rate job of playing a second rate President. He was elected twice because he smiled in public and learned his lines. 

Johnson doesn’t have the common sense or work ethic to do either task. So the only remaining viable option is to disappear from view. 

“It worked for Michael Gove,” stated Number Ten spokes-stooge Hydon Seeke. “After his divorce was splashed all over the tabloids, he vanished without trace. His popularity ratings went through the roof! Boris is considering the same tactic.”

It’s not as if Johnson doesn’t have form. When a crisis approaches, he goes on holiday. When in an awkward situation, he disappears into the nearest refrigeration cabinet.

On every occasion, he spoils the effect by reappearing and saying stuff. 

“It would be better if Boris never came out into the public eye ever again,” observed Seeke. “His inability to make sense, his uncontrolled lying, his insistence on talking about vaccines. There is no situation that could not be made worse by Boris simply being Boris. So this time we are going to put a lock on the fridge door.”

And if that doesn’t work, what’s the backup plan?

“Booze, drugs, totty, another long holiday. The usual,” said Seeke. “But this time he won’t be able to come home. Exile, I think, is the answer. And we will make sure that there is no internet this time!”

Never mind Churchill, this will be Johnson’s Napoleon moment. It won’t be the first time a scruffy overweight failed dictator who can’t tell his arse from his Elba has been permanently removed from public life for his own – and his country’s – good.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to take personal control of Afghanistan PR crisis

CHOOSE YOUR LEADERS WELL : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported as “rocked to his core” last night after a dinner guest mentioned the crisis in Afghanistan, between courses.

“Initially the PM thought his guest was referencing the first book by Winston Churchill, The Road to Mandalay, and he was ready to blag his way through the next few minutes. But slowly it dawned on him the donor was talking about current affairs.”

The identity of the donor is unclear, although it’s thought to be a structurally bankrupt paper cup manufacturer willing to donate heavily to the Conservatives, once he’s received a contract to manufacture blood test tubes of variable standard.

“He may even stump up for the next nanny,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a very exciting prospect. It was worth investing time and having another donor purchase dinner. The PM likes to lead by example. This is how you improve your prospects by hard work and is an excellent example for those on Universal Credit.”

The end result of the conversation is a new focus by Mr Johnson on the crisis in Afghanistan. Unkind critics suggest he “sleepwalked into” it because he could care less, leaving thousands of Afghanis at risk of a terrifying, short future.

“The polling isn’t great,” the source explains. “Dom being on a beach as Afghanistan fell to the Taliban has cut through in the same way that the other Dom breaking pandemic restrictions cut through. Mr Johnson needs to get on the front foot and pretend to be involved or plans for a 2022 GE are imperilled.”

The main idea now will be for the PM to be “seen to be doing something”, before he has lunch.

“We are considering flying him to Afghanistan to stage a photo shoot with a mop,” the source adds. “But that’s got way too much support within the cabinet.”

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Rishi Sunak announces plans to fill his new swimming pool with the tears of the poor

RISHI PRINCIPALITY : The U.K. Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak has developed a reputation as being a bit too “emo” for the Conservative Party. What with his endless selfies and need to be noticed. He’s going to do something about it.

Stripping back Universal Credit is a good start. It says to the dead heart of the party that he can be down with causing mass suffering, deny responsibility and then laugh at that mass suffering as well as the next born to rule man. He may not have burnt a £50 note in front of a homeless person while a student, but great power allows him to go one better and preen himself before the upcoming leadership election.

“It’s the perfect time to remind the great unwashed that the Conservative Party thinks they’re dirt. Less than dirt. Not even silt. Just nothing. Don’t even think about them actually. Line up at the burgeoning food banks and read about Rishi’s new pool and tennis court. Ha! What do you think about your accident of birth now nerds? Well?”

While this goes to great lengths to show how life differs during Brexit and the pandemic, depending on your wealth, he may have to go even further to ensure he gets the votes when Boris Johnson is sacrificed on the altar of eternal power.

“We advise him to pencil the names of Universal Credit recipients on the walls of his new pool and on the tennis balls he’s going to smash about that court,” said Satan. “Just stick it to them. Rub it in. Mash it about. Give it some. Go for it. Laughing about the loss of £20 off UC? What even is that? He doesn’t carry change that small. A twenty? That’s what poor people spend at the pub when they should be buying food, isn’t it?”

The opening of the new Rishi pool will be a live streamed, champagne event. Rishi has made it. From humble beginnings he’s fought and clawed his way to the top and now he’s going to pay it back by worsening in work poverty.

“Raab can cut the ribbon and declare the inland sea of Rishi open! Then they can all jump in and splash about in their mankinis. It’s going to be a hoot.”

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BREAKING : Sajid Javid undergoing treatment for hallucinations – “Everything he sees is a hospital”

LOOK INTO MY EYES : Dramatic scenes this afternoon at Westminster Irregular Infirmary after Health Secretary Sajid Javid was rushed to A&E by his aides, who feared he was suffering from an overdose of magic mushrooms.

Drug intake among cabinet members is well documented, although most claim it was in their wild youth and prior to elevation through the chumocracy as a reward for supporting Brexit.

Mr Javid’s exact condition is not known but fabricated rumours suggest his condition has been deteriorating for weeks and today it became a crisis “no one could ignore anymore”.

“At first it was just large buildings he believed were new NHS hospitals,” an aide to the ailing Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Then it was portions of buildings that were hospitals which he imagined were entire new structures. Now it’s GP surgeries. Walk-in clinics. The collapse came when he stopped a passing Mr Whippy to purchase a soft serve and noticed the driver of the van was wearing a blood pressure monitor.”

It’s said at that point a wide smile lit up the Health Secretary’s face, his eyes glazed and he declared “The NHS Mr Whippy is now open. The NHS Mr Whippy is the newest of England’s hospitals.”

He is said to have still taken the ice cream from the bemused driver, but failed to eat it after examining it too closely and wondering, “Things like this make people feel better. Maybe they’re hospitals too?”

The ice cream is said to have melted down over his hands. It’s not clear if the driver was paid.

It’s understood Mr Javid will be stabilised at Westminster before being transferred to Moorfields Eye Hospital for specialist treatment.

“I suspect it’s more a neurological issue than anything else,” one medical expert commented. “Or too many mushrooms? Either way he will receive the best care available and once he stops declaring Moorfields a new hospital he may even be let home.”

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Johnson resisting calls to sack Raab because of “depth of talent in the Tory Party”

SAFE AS HOUSES : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is proving as big a failure in the vital office of state as his boss. Mr Johnson’s most notable act was extending the prison time of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe by years. Mr Raab has managed to yawn through months of warnings about Afghanistan and go to the beach.

Calls to sack Raab and replace him with someone competent, who actually wants to work the long hours occupying one of the great offices of state requires, are persistent. As yet his boss Boris has resisted. Partially because he’s already bored of Afghanistan, which like Brexit and the Pandemic seem determined to ruin his fun as PM. And partially because you can’t give in and do what the plebs want, until the focus grouping forces you to.

“It’s also related to the depth of talent in the Tory parliamentary party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s all clapping seals and nodding dogs, all the way down. That’s exactly how Johnson wants it. Anyone with the capacity for independent thought and pushback was kicked out early in Johnson’s tenure as PM. As such the talent pool is especially shallow and it’s just floaters bobbing about on top. Bumping into each other and bobbing off. Mostly on holiday to Europe. But other international destinations are available. Which is why the travel rules regarding the pandemic change so frequently. It’s bloody difficult keeping track of everyone’s movements.”

So Dominic Raab is safe for now. Maybe. Until the next YouGov poll. All the talent is already in post. Also because the deep sense of entitlement he has wouldn’t take being fired lightly. Johnson has enough enemies circling at his back, waiting to plunge in the political knives.

By the way, anyone seen Gove? He could choose a really good cabinet.