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PM explains “CV-19 roadmap to Xmas” after detailed study of Tory MPs’ travel diaries to Xmas

DINING AND DYING : The UK’s ramped up, off grid, glamping Prime Minister is to make a major speech this week laying out the unforced errors he’s planning for the months to Christmas.

Clearly with the economy impersonating the Titanic, the novel virus mutating in state schools because no one in power could give a shit, and Shapps attempting to turn the country’s motorways into a Mad Max appreciation society, via HGV interpretative dance, the public need reassurance. That’s where the PM stumbles in. Late. After focus groups suggest he’s tanking.

With his hair cut and his fists clenched Mr Johnson will reveal his detailed planning.

“We will continue to mismanage the pandemic as we have done from the start,” he will say, “to offer the certainty of the continuity of malpractice the public have come to trust as their reality. If you are able to afford a mansion, chauffeur driven cars and helicopter transport you will be as safe as an MP. Well, discounting the days we put on our show in Parliament.”

So far, so good.

“Those of you who have heard rumours of an October half term firebreak can be reassured that if you’ve booked a holiday destination that aligns with a senior cabinet minister, or Tory donor, you will not be inconvenienced. The rest of you? Sacrifices have to be made for the common good. Just not by myself or my cabal.”

The decision to continue to manage the country to allow Tory MPs to maintain lifestyles that most closely resemble their pre-pandemic plans will ground the country in a tranquil assurance.

“It will be like living at the steps of Mount Vesuvius,” the PM will add. “Remember, it’s a lovely day tomorrow, all you have to do is hold your breath.”

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“We’ve abandoned all standards for Prime Ministers, so why not HGV licences?” – Downing Street

MAD MAX DYSTOPIAN HELLSCAPE : Downing Street has offered welcome support today for Transport Secretary Grant Shapps, and by extension the entire cabinet.

The Transport Secretary has been receiving incoming fire over his decision to make the UK’s motorways arguably much less safe, rather than admit Brexit was a mistake. In particular his decision to reverse regulations covering HGV driving licences. The most eye catching part of which is getting rid of the boring parts like how to reverse or actually uncouple one of the giant road trains from itself.

“Drivers won’t need to know how to reverse or uncouple trailers,” Shapps is reported to have said. “The sheer momentum of two HGV’s driven by barely trained, inexperienced drivers will see them reverse once they slam head first into one another in some ghastly accident in a small town involving a mother and a pram or some cockapoodle. That will do the uncoupling too.”

It all makes perfect sense. But of course enemies of the people, who stop at nothing to undermine Brexit, have gone all nanny state on Shapps. Happily for Mr Shapps the PM has his back.

“Shapps? Is it Shapps? Is that what he’s called these days? Is that the Transport Secretary?” a spokesman said on behalf of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “Great chap. Just magnificent. Team player. The heel on the Achilles of freight.”

Other contorted classical references followed in what has been described as a “a semi-trailer of confidence in the Transport Secretary by someone rumoured to be perpetually hammered”.

It is hoped that the mere mentioning of Mr Shapps’ name by the PM will be enough to shut up the general public and set aside their worries over dying avoidably in an horrific accident.

“Look we’ve given up all standards in controlling pandemics,” the spokesman added, “look at the sterling work of Truss! No standards in trade negotiations! Ha! What’s a hospital? Whatever Sajid wants it to be. Education? I mean come on, let’s be serious, Williamson? Everywhere you look you see evidence of red tape being cut. Take Afghanistan! The motorways may become less safe but that’s a price worth paying for Brexit. And besides, Tory MPs go everywhere by helicopter so it is frankly unpatriotic to moan about the risk of the bodies piling high on motorways. It’s a price worth paying for Brexit.”

To be fair to Downing Street, the rolling back of regulations covering dozens of tonnes of potential death travelling at high speed is in keeping with what the country expects of its Prime Ministers these days.

“No standards anymore. None at all. Complete laughing stock. The people voted in 2010, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2019 to abandon all and every standard of governance. The weakening of HGV licences are what they wanted.”

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BREAKING : Government relaxes rules on what is food to solve supply crisis

EVERY LITTLE HELPS : 10 Downing Street is now bored of the endless headlines about the supply side crisis and the social media posts of empty supermarket shelves, and they’re doing something about it.

“We’ve basically copied and pasted our work on HGV licences,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re relaxing the rules on what is food. I mean, what is food really? It’s essentially a philosophical question. A existential question. A metaphorical question. A mystery. One of those. I’ll get Raab to answer it.”

The relaxation will make it easier for supermarkets to fill their shelves again.

“Say your local big Tesco gets a massive order of cat litter? Bingo! As much porridge as you want. Genius. That kindling you see for starting wood burners? You’d be surprised how soft small shards of wood become when you boil them for a long time. A really long time. Can’t find your favourite brand of tea? Have you thought about a burnt newspaper substitute? All it will really take is a little imagination and Global Britons will be filling their bellies with any old shit we find laying around.”

It’s not expected that there will be any negative consequences from the relaxation over food standards.

“No one will be getting an upset stomach. Don’t worry about that. The way things are going the Brexit tax rises will see you foraging for your meals and feeling right proud about it.”

Clearly dog food and cat food will be in high demand as sandwich fillers. Baby wipes as wraps. Cardboard will make excellent pasta sheets. There’s nothing to worry about.

“We should have a banquet on the White Cliffs of Dover and laugh at the Continent,” the source adds. “Clearly the Prime Minister won’t be in attendance. He has to wait in for that luxury food hamper the Tory donor sends him. But we’ll dredge up some nodding dog from the backbenches to go and celebrate it.”

Global Britain? Standards? What standards? Standards about food are for people who lack belief in food. Believe in food, just like people believed in Brexit.

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Brexit : Turkeys FURIOUS that after voting for Xmas they may not be on menu

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Turkeys who voted for Brexmas have hit back today over concerns they may not be on the menu this Christmas.

“We want to be killed, plucked, stuffed, eaten and complained about well into January! WE VOTED FOR THIS.” a spokesbird for the turkeys told LCD Views. “Bloody PINGDEMIC IS GOING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS. I didn’t vote for this!”

But in spite of what the tasty birds did vote for it seems concerns over the supply of food into the United Kingdom may mean they may miss out on their annual feast day.

“And to make matters worse they’re saying the FRENCH MAY EAT US?! THIS IS A DISC RACE!”

There is some hope on the horizon though with Downing Street set to strip away any regulations at all that make anyone safe, in order to appear to be making a success of Brexit.

“Last year Boris had to save Christmas from the decisions made by Boris in the pandemic,” the Turkeys raged. “IT WAS A NEAR RUN THING. This year? Bloody EU! We voted in 2019 to GET CHRISTMAS DONE and we meant ALL CHRISTMASES. NOT JUST THE ONE’S BEFORE BREXIT. GOBBLE! GOBBLE!”

Responding to the concerns from the turkeys the government issued this statement : “We have listened to the concerns of the turkeys who voted for Christmas and we will be raising their taxes. Rest assured that no one in the government is going to go without this December. We have the inherited wealth to pay for it.”

The new reality of Brexit Britain, where personal wealth will determine standing of living more and more should give some measure of comfort to the turkeys who voted for it.

“It is aspirational,” the spokesbird agreed. “Just think if I choose a better accident of birth next time around I could be the one feeding off the turkeys and not the main meal. I’ll work harder to achieve that. Just like old Boris.”

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Boris Johnson starts U.K. wide bus tour to boost popularity

SUPER SPREADER MAN : The PM who visited a hospital heaving with novel virus patients early on in the pandemic, and famously shook hands with everybody, and later caught the virus, is at it again. He charmed the sick and the dying last year and he can charm you when his latest big red bus of lies tour!

“The Prime Minister has reacted to the weird poll result showing the Tories polling below Labour by going on campaign. Good governance won’t fix this. Pulling Labour into an own goal like last year’s Oven Ready Brexit vote in parliament will,” a 10 Downing Street announced.

“Johnson is going on a charm offensive and the offensive is guaranteed. We just need a slogan. Anyone got one spare? Eager Tory supporters are encouraged to look out for the big red bus painted in lies arriving in their street some day soon. Red Wall voters get your bunting out because the king in the south is coming! And he’s going to tell you the shelves are full, the pandemic is over, UK is stronger than ever and the French are in disarray over Dover customs delays.”

The decision to campaign will allow the PM to avoid the policy crisis he’s created for a few weeks. It’s hoped by the time he gets back to Westminster it will time for October half term and a well earned holiday.

“The polling slump was caused by the pingdemic. Not Afghanistan. Not empty shelves. Not full hospitals. Not the UC cut by billionaires in cabinet. Not the triple lock pension smash by millionaires and billionaires in cabinet. Inherited wealth knows best!”

To govern is to choose. Not a hope in hell of Johnson doing that well. But he can do what he does best. He can shake hands with everybody and tell them they just have to believe. Like the bus.

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Patel to release millions of “shark ‘oldfish hybrids” into ENGLISH Channel to deter refugees

TOP SECRET : OPERATION IDIOT has been “green lit” by the Home Secretary in what is predicted to be a boom for the indigenous British goldfish biotechnology industry.

Under the plan millions of goldfish-shark hybrids will be bred at a top secret research facility located inside the basement at Chequers before being given the “taste of human blood”. Once they are fully trained they will be released into the ENGLISH Channel.

It is hoped that news of the new and highly dangerous ornamentals swimming up and down the Channel will deter refugee crossings from France.

“So far having an ageing racist shout at the sea hasn’t worked to stop people fleeing our arms export industry,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

“The invention of the most crap action figure ever, Dan The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, also failed. Probably because no one knows where he is. So it’s time to involve the UK’s world leading science sector in the effort to gain the reputation as the most racist European nation going. We can do it if we all pull together as a team and cheer the goldfish-shark hybrids on.”

But critics of the scheme have asked why goldfish were chosen for the breeding programme and not just actual sharks?

“A junior minister has a school friend whose paper cup factory has gone into bankruptcy. Allowing him to reinvent himself a biotech genius will validate transferring millions of taxpayers cash to the Caymans, via his current account. It’s a win win.”

Additionally goldfish are believed to be the Prime Minister’s favourite animal.

“He thinks voters have the memories of goldfish and when he’s done with them he can just flush them away. Like the voters.”

The release of the fish should add to excitement on British beaches next year when they “start washing up with British Brexit turds.”

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We lost one NI, but we gained another, says Boris Johnson

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: We must pay more NI, the Crime Minister has announced. This is to compensate for losing NI to the naughty wicked EU.

There is no Magic Money Tree, as his predecessor would have claimed. Well there is, and it’s very useful for personal enrichment, but it never seems to work for the common good. So instead low earners must put their filthy hands in their unworthy pockets again, this time to bail out the failures of Brexit.

“NI for NI!” boasted Johnson at a press conference for the favoured few. Rapturous cheers erupted from the surrounding sycophants in the room. Johnson relaxed, as his ego swelled. “You don’t get something for nothing!” he bellowed, sounding like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and a social media troll. “NI must go up to save NI! There is no alternative!”

This was splendid stuff, but unfortunately he had nothing else concrete for his adoring fans.

“Erm, erm, erm, I say, yes, no, oh yes, NI for NI!” he waffled. “At least we have a plan, unlike the negligent Opposition who haven’t put a decent policy in place for eleven, yes my friends, eleven years!”

Funny that. But why must the poorest in society pay for the abject failure of Brexit to maintain the integrity of the United Kingdom?

“Yes, well, no, erm, erm, wiff waff,” Johnson replied convincingly, as the journalists swooned and giggled girlishly. “That’s not right, but even if it is, erm, yes, no, erm, we all benefit, and that’s the issue here.”

And will the people currently hiding untold billions in offshore accounts out of reach of the taxman be asked to contribute at all?

“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Johnson to spontaneous applause. “Only the little people pay taxes! NI! NI! NI!”

Like the Knights Who Say NI, he shambled off in search of a shrubbery.

Wanted: One Prime Minister, currently missing. Please check your fridge.

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Tory MP defends plan to dump sewage onto British beaches – “I only swim in the Med anyway”

THEY MAKE IT ALL UP WHY CAN’T WE : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is no stranger to getting his hands dirty at work and at play and today he’s (fictionally) waded into the debate over how much sewage should we discharge onto ourselves? Which is of course another of the foreseen Brexit benefits.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about?” he said, having not really understood anything for years. “If you don’t like swimming with sewage swim in your swimming pool at home. Or at your club? There’s plenty of choices. You don’t have to swim at Scarborough Beach or any of the other beaches in Cornwall. People should be prouder anyway. Ignoring just how shit everything is and carrying on regardless, while it gets worse, is what will make Boris Johnson’s time in 10 Downing Street a success. Just look at Brexit and the pandemic? Keep clapping. Ignore the filth on your palms and CLAP HARDER. REALLY PUT YOURSELF INTO IT AND LAUGH AS THE SCAT COVERS YOUR CHEEKS. IT’S HOW I GET THROUGH THE WEEK. Sorry. Did I pass out? My heart is beating so fast I think blood must have rushed to my brain cell.”

The choice to defend the plan to cover ourselves in our own scat is believed to be rooted in the truth of Brexit itself. At first it was metaphorical, now it is actual. Just as predicted by anyone who spent thirty seconds on Google in 2016. You didn’t actually have to be an expert, just able to read something that wasn’t obviously shit printed to promote shit to cover you in shit while someone else laughs in the shadows and converts your shit experience into cash.

“Who has time to swim anyway? Me? I’m flat out working out where to go on holiday most of the time. If you’re really upset just follow my example and fly to somewhere cleaner. It’s why I only swim in the Mediterranean when I’m staying on Crete.”

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Discharging sewage into ocean revealed as Priti Patel’s new plan to stop Channel crossings

WELCOME TO HELL : Big hearted Home Secretary Priti Patel is stopping at nothing to ensure everyone knows the United Kingdom is now too toxic to seek refuge in. It is not enough to take policy leads from an ageing fascist standing on a beach shouting at waves, we really need to advertise to the world that Brexit Britain is a hell hole if we want to discourage people from fleeing airdrops of British munitions.

“British poo on British beaches is the perfect next step,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary herself is said to be planning to lay one in a water treatment plant and have it flushed straight out into the English Channel. There will be a BBC reporter covering the event and following excitedly as Nigel Farage scours the beach to stick a Union Flag in it. It’s going to showcase Brexit Britain to the world like never before.”

Whether or not the plan to ring the UK with floating turds will be successful in convincing the bloody French to keep refugees in bloody France remains to be seen, but it will at least mark a great shift away from the red tape that is throttling economic activity in the health obsessed EU.

“Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander will be standing on the prow of his tug boat and peeing into the Channel too,” the HO source confirms. “We’re stopping at nothing to give Brexit Britain the deserved reputation of a really shit place that no one wants to visit. And importantly, none one can escape from. Unless they’re forrin of course.”

Celebrate today by laying one on the sandy shore of your choice. And watch the British waves carry it just out to sea before bringing it back again the Brexit way.

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“NI rise closes tax loophole which allows poor people to overeat” – Downing Street

PENNY PINCHING PHILANDERER : Aren’t we all happy today to know that the nanny state has cast its stern eye over the children of the nation and decided to get them in shape.

“Any GP will tell you losing weight is not just about exercise, you also have to watch what you eat,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which is why we’re making the overweight, slovenly, work shy British worker poorer. Less money for food. Less flab. More money for the private sector contracted to provide social care services. It’s a win win. We should be thanked.”

And thanked Downing Street will be for the speed with which it has pivoted from generous state supporting (some of) the people through a bungled response to a pandemic and over to reverse Robin Hood tax rises.

“It’s great,” one lucky voter told LCD Views. “The 10% increase in my NI contributions? That’s fantastic. Being treated like I have see you next Tuesday written on my forehead by Tories? It brings me back a sense of normality. The furlough scheme had me all unbalanced. But robbing me blind? Pushing me into food poverty, even though I work? Boris Johnson doing that says the universe has regained its balance. They should raise VAT while they’re at it. Except on luxury goods.”

Less money for food is also expected to lead to greater productivity for British business.

“People were always bunking off to eat a snack before the NI rise,” one Tory MP who knows fuck all told LCD Views. “Now with less money to spend on food there’ll be less hiding in the toilets to eat a sugary treat.”

As for the wealthy who will be largely unaffected by the proposed tax rises?

“It’s wrong to say they’re laughing all the way to the bank,” the MP added. “It’s all done by wire transfers these days. You can make tens of billions disappear from the public purse at the push of a button.”