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Brexit Dad not concerned about brain drain because his plumbing is working just fine

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has expressed his views on the so-called Brexit brain drain.  His brain is staying exactly where it is, he says.

“Brexit means Brexit!” he declared. “This means we are staying exactly where we are, and everybody else can clear off. My plumbing is just fine, so get over it.”

LCD sent Lone Centrist correspondent Caleb V Nice to speak to Narage. He suggested that intelligent Brits would leave the country while they still can. “Brain Drain means Brain Drain,” he remarked, cheekily.

“The only thing going down the drain is, well, what is supposed to go down there. Here, let me demonstrate…” At this point Mr Narage left the room. Ten minutes and a hearty flush later, he reappeared. “There! Everything is going just swimmingly!” he said. “Oops, wrong metaphor.” He left briefly to flush again.

Mr Nice gently reminded him that the phrase Brain Drain was not meant to be taken literally.

“Cream rises, and dregs fall,” stated Narage. “The brightest and best will stay. Who wouldn’t? And the rubbish will be flushed out into the Brussels cesspool. That’s science, that is!”

No, no, could we move on from actual sewage systems, pleaded Mr Nice.

“Oh, I see!” Narage responded. “Nudge nudge, wink wink! I know what you mean! See my wife, Krystyna? Now you know why she is always smiling! And my lovely children, Figella and Figel junior? The old Narage plumbing is in tip-top condition, like a well-oiled machine.”

Tempted to leave Mr Narage to continue lubricating himself, Mr Nice tried one final tack. People are seriously worried that our brainiest people are going to emigrate, because the economy is likely to shrink rapidly post-Brexit. Neither will we be able to afford their wages, nor will their jobs be safe.

“Nonsense, my dear chap!” he replied. “It’s just scaremongering. It happens every time this country changes for the better. Stop being such a gloomy Graham and get behind your country!”

Cream rises. But so do scum and big sh*ts.

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Downing Street denies deliberately running down clock on EU negs, claiming it’s just a shambles

Downing Street has hit back against growing claims they are deliberately running down the clock on the negotiations with the EU, claiming instead it’s just a shambles.

LCD Views is an inherently suspicious global media organisation, so we tracked the Secretary of State for Exiting the EU & Reality down within the crumbling walls of Westminster.

We had some trouble doing it.

It took most of the day.

We eventually found him at the Commons bar, where he does most of his preparation for the negotiations.

“We really are doing our best,” D Davis MP (somehow) hit back, “straining every sinew, bursting every vessel. A football match isn’t over if you’re six nil down and there’s still extra time on the clock!”

We’re convinced!

But we fear the growing number of voices on social media that are asking the unreasonable question, ‘Is this administration just a total shower, or are they intentionally making a hash of the Brexit negotiations?’, will only continue to grow in volume.

It’s possible the May government is just running a smoke and mirror show to keep everyone distracted before the UK tumbles over the much mentioned cliff.

Comfortable in the security the malfunctioning BBC and the majority of the MSM, who either want the Brexit project to succeed, in a hard way, or are just too inept these days to find out what is really going on, will allow them to get away with it.

“I would point a finger at the 24 hour news cycle,” an intern in our ‘Brexit  ONLY Brexit’ department said, “for the failure for everyone but Channel 4 to interrogate.”

Brexit ONLY Brexit is a large department. We’re always taking on staff. Two new ones for every one we lose to despair.

“The media thinks they have to pump new stories into us like some sort of viagra charged home movie specialist.

They have lost sight of the fact that a lot of the population will actually stop and digest information if it’s presented without clear bias and substantiated. Enough to make a difference at the ballot box.”

So much for him! We can’t see him lasting long.

We’ll take the government line. It’s just a shambles.

But we request people start asking the question,

‘Is the May government intentionally making a hash of negotiations in order to crash out of the EU, and fulfil the wet dreams of the Brexit disaster capitalists? Or are they just staggeringly useless?’

We request people please start asking that online, before we’re out of time.

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Nissan says production of a penny farthing will stay in U.K. post Brexit

Great news for the North East of England today with the news from French owned car giant Nissan that production of a penny farthing will stay in the U.K. post Brexit, regardless of what size and flavour of cake the EU agree to give Theresa May.

LCD Views spoke to the Japanese ambassador yesterday, after he attended yet another meeting of heads of all major car brands with the acting prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

“Who is that individual?” he asked, with a frown, “just, what does she think she is doing?

Every decision she makes is made in the moment and reversed a moment later.

Is this really Global Britain?

Where is your political opposition?

Do you still have a functioning representative parliament?

Why is the official opposition going along with the national economic suicide plot?

Why are they not traitorously subverting the overwhelming mandate for isolation delivered on the 23rd June 2016 to make Mr Farage very happy?”

All good questions ambassador, that I am sure the BBC will interrogate fully.

“She is pursuing a policy that makes continuing to manufacture cars and almost everything else in the United Kingdom impossible, in all likelihood.

And I have to find a way to politely tell you that it is over. You are entering the era of national managed decline.”

It’s a good thing he’s not British. This sounds like treason!

“But due to the decades of fruitful union between Japanese car makers and the people of England, we will leave you with a legacy industry that best symbolises Brexit and your future.”

That’s something at least, what will it be?

“Production of a new square wheeled penny farthing will occur in the United Kingdom, so long as you agree to provide a tax incentive in the billions for it.”

So May has offered them the same deal she’s offering everyone? One she can’t afford?

“It was a curious meeting, as at one point, your prime minister got furious and ordered Nissan to keep car making in the North East on patriotic grounds.

She tried to slam the table and her fist slipped over the edge and she hit herself in the knee.”

Strong and stable.

“She then accused us of subverting the will of the people by insisting we could only run a business here if it made a profit.”

Have you seen the government’s political P/L sheet?

“Bicycle. You can have a bicycle.”

LCD Views would like to commend the automotive industry for its decision to keep manufacturing of one Victorian British classic within the United Kingdom, in good faith and trusting to the bespoke bicycling deal we will strike with our friends and partners in Europe as we forge a new, deep and special relationship.

“You realise we’re only doing this because you won’t be able to afford a car?”

Thank you Japanese ambassador.

You’re the only person who has emerged from 10 Downing Street and spoken the truth for a very long time.

What will the new penny farthing model be called?

“Le Farage.”

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Jeremy Hunt asked to stop patting himself on the back for worst winter ever for the NHS

Secretary of State for Privatising Health, Jeremy Hunt MP,  has been asked to stop patting himself on the back for the worst winter ever for the NHS.

“He’s having trouble concealing his joy,” LCD’s health specialist reports,

“Apparently he brought cupcakes in for the entire department this morning, even the cleaners, who he normally just orders to leave any room he enters.”

With accident and emergency waiting time targets abandoned, Hunt has reason to be pleased, so too the recent news on the regional variation in waiting times for hip operations.

“Just imagine how the under resourced NHS is going to cope with hard Brexit?” our health correspondent asks,

“another sudden crash in Sterling, an administration desperate for revenue, Jeremy’s suspected long term aim is so close to hand.

He wasn’t actually a Brexiter. But the will of the people has allowed him to speed up his plans like they’re turbo charged. He’s now a convert. Brexit means Brexit.”

It seems he is drawing further inspiration too from the work done on the UK Border Agency, when austerity was first rolled out to transfer taxpayer’s money to banking friends of government ministers.

Sacked so many that the service was unable to cope and under resourced and it’s then a public emergency and then…

“You hire all that staff back from via the private contractor they now work for. It’s sheer genius.

That way you’re still running the same service on the surface, but actually you’ve increased costs and funnelled tax money into private hands?

See how it works? It’s really pretty simple. People should try it at home.”

But why the concern that Jeremy shouldn’t be crowing, if everything appears to be going to plan?

“People are sentimental about the health service. Something to do with it being born in the aftermath of the death of a massive amount of people and the social conscience that awoke.

But we’ll take care of that once everyone is fighting over chicken bones on the pavement, post Brexit and the collapse in food supplies.

You’ll be thinking about yourselves first.

That’s why the US system works by keeping so many of its citizens desperately poor, even more than here, because it encourages the ‘me first, sod the rest of you’ attitude that you need to properly provide a modern health service that has profit as its primary aim.”

And what sort of cakes did Hunt bring in?

“All sorts. Whatever was marked down at the local supermarket.”

How did the cleaners react when he gave them a cupcake each?

“He didn’t give them one each. Don’t be silly. He’s still Tory Type A. He gave them one to share and told them to leave the room because they hadn’t worked hard enough to be there.”

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Thought for the day – On respecting the will of the referendum

We see “respect the will of the referendum” everywhere from Leavers.

Not only the diehard Brexiters.

Labour leaders and activists love to roll it out too as some magic bullet when their unofficial alliance with the Tories on Brexit is questioned.

“Labour respects the result of the referendum”, a stock response.

Well, here’s a counter to that tired and empty phrase be it from a Torykipper or a Labour person. My focus is more on Labour because it’s reasonable to assume that Brexit can be stopped by Labour…

You respect the result of the referendum?

I’m not trying to stop you doing that.

But if a friend tells you they’re going to harm themselves, do you respect their decision so much you try to assist them in doing it?

Or are you able to both respect their decision and try to stop them?

If you just let them carry on, how good a friend does it make you, if you could have intervened and didn’t?

How good a friend to the United Kingdom is Jeremy Corbyn MP at the moment?

Is Theresa May MP?

Are all the many MP’s who we know believe Brexit will be an horrific act of self harm by this country good friends to the United Kingdom?

As they respect the narrow margin/will of the referendum…and quietly tug the forelock to the leader?

Be a friend.

Respecting the decision, for its serious intent, does not stop you trying to stop a friend (an entire country in this case) from a determination to self harm.

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NHS set to save billions after U.K. gets all the antibiotics it needs from imported American food

NHS set to save billions after U.K. gets all the antibiotics it needs from imported American food, after Brexit.

Handoncock, health minister, wasn’t available, so we spoke to famous environmentalist Mickey Gove to find out more.

”Mickey Gove, good of you to join us on the LCD sofa.”

“It’s my aaarrrrhhhhh absolute pleaaaaadure to be heeaaaaareeee on this delightful bit of furniiiiiituuuuure.”

He’s doing a William Hague impression.

“Can we just talk normally?”

“But I’ve been so busy playing sardines with Boris and the other boys, I haven’t had time to oil my dissembling engine. I want to distract with my famous William Hague.”

He’s even got the baseball cap on.

“Let’s just start,

“Would you have preferred the surname mouse?”

”I would have preferred, that when the British people entrusted me with the weighty responsibility of plunging the knife into Boris’ back, that I’d got it right through to his heart. But I’m sure to get another go in the coming months.”

Here we go, evading the questions already.

”Just answer the question Mr Gove.”

”£350M per week for the NHS!”

You must be kidding me.

”Given the economic forecasts, that the BBC for one, has largely pretended don’t exist, isn’t it a bit rich to roll that chestnut out again?”

Tap fingers and wait for an answer.

See the mad eyes swivelling.

See him sliding along the cushions of the sofa.

”Please don’t touch me. Just answer the question honestly.”

”Okay,

“The savings to the NHS alone, which will naturally occur once we have a complete and traumatic severance with the EU (it’s almost as if that’s the plan!), will more than adequately fund whatever additional needs the vital institution of the national health service has.”

I’m standing up now. It’s like being close to a devious elf.

”And how do you figure that out, famous environmentalist, Mr Gove?”

”Because of all the antibiotics in all the imported American food silly!

“Every chlorine soaked chicken will also cure a throat infection, before, and this is really important that the British people understand this, before it gets worse,

“A steak will take years off your life, but it’ll deal a mighty blow to that bit of syphilis!”

He looks like he actually believes this. Clearly the engine inside is up and running.

”Got yourself a nasty bladder infection? Have a penicillin laced bacon butty!

“Can’t see through the smunk of conjunctivitis? Just have a pressed ham sandwich,

“Brexit won’t destory the NHS, it will save it,

“Especially, and it’s important that your readers understand this, Brexit will save the NHS by saving it billions on antibiotics and because we will also no longer own it.”

What was the last bit? I didn’t catch it?

”I love the environment almost as deeply as the hole in my heart I keep for Boris Johnson. Who, I may say, I am one hundred percent behind.”

Well that’s good news at least.

“Not long to go then?”

”Nope. Any day now.”

Thank you Mr Gove.

“Just wait for your NHS rebate after it saves on prescriptions. £350 per week for every man, woman and child.”

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Brexit voter still happy to back Brexit because he’s a racist

LCD Views spoke to a diehard Brexit supporter today to hear why he’s still steadfast in support of Brexit in spite of all the alarming economic forecasts leaking out of the government.

“Because I’m a racist,” Mr Figel Narage told LCD Views, “you can have all the economic forecasts you like sunshine, you can attempt to get me to pay attention long enough to even understand them, but it won’t change my support for Brexit. How else are we going to kick all the bloody forinners out?”

Quite.

“I mean, you got people coming over here and working in our fields for low wage, seasonal work, that could just as easily be done by our ageing population, until the robots can do it all, or the teenagers that could otherwise be getting up to their eyeballs in a mountain of debt just to work some stupid digital economy job of yesteryear.

Why not have them do it?

The care work in a sector that doesn’t pay sufficiently and is on the verge of collapse because like every bloody thing else the neocon greed is good crowd get their hands on it’s been outsourced to blazes, then margins squeezed by ideological austerity to fill in the holes left by the banks, proper British people should be doing those jobs.”

Clearly.

“And the loss of the financial services? Slowly flowing across the channel? It’s just bits of paper. Who needs the revenue? Not the taxman! He’d just give it to the NHS or something, once public pressure finally causes them to cave in.”

Keep going.

“And anyways, if the NHS is sold off and gone, that’s one less thing for all those young, educated people to come here for. It’s a win win if you ask me. I’ve never seen a doctor in my life and there’s nothing wrong with me.”

You’re amazing.

So none of the doom and gloom, none of the loss of investment, none of the loss of international prestige, none of the long waste to come as we try to re-negotiate over 700 international treaties from the stand point of an economy which has underinvested in its infrastructure, again thanks to the neocons, for decades and is not best placed to compete against the EU, and will be much weaker in new negotiations as a result of all that, none of that can shake your support for Brexit?

“You would have thought Nigel Farage saying Jo Cox being butchered in the street just before the ref in 2016 would have shaken my support, him saying it was “inconvenient” timing. It didn’t.”

So what will shake your support?

“For me, and a core of Brexit supporters like me?”

Yes.

“Nothing. Because we’re racists. Now toddle along with you. I’ve got signs to get down from the loft to do with who’s welcome in the B&B I plan to set up to house english economic refugees from the north once the Japanese car firms make good their threat to bugger off.”

It seems he’s certainly taken his lead from the government’s many xenophobic  utterances since Brexit came to mean Brexit.

Now, if only we had a major party of opposition willing to stand up and be counted?

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BBC denies playing broken record on flagship morning radio programme

The BBC was on the back foot and in denial mode against accusations they have replaced the presenters of their flagship Today programme on Radio 4 with a broken record of classic Brexit catchphrases.

“I don’t know where you’re getting that rubbish from?” Today editor Camber Sands fumed at LCD Views when we asked her to comment.

“The same happy gang as always is still presenting the Today programme.

Why ever would you think we’d swap John Humphrys for a vinyl recording of John Humphrys shouting classic Brexit catchphrases at interviewees instead of having an interview?

We’d hardly do it to save money.

John only costs us a bit shy of £400K a year now. Real value for money if you just want someone to essentially regurgitate the Brexit MP’s hot air and not actually interrogate the changing landscape relating to the issue.

And it’s also easily justifiable when you consider how readily John appears to accept the importance of daily supporting the democratically elected government.

He could probably earn twice that writing Tory friendly headlines for the MailOnLoan, I mean online. Or working for a media friendly environment in North Korea?”

In spite of the denials from the editors of the once great ship of British broadcasting, it seems many listeners suspect there is no smoke without fire.

“Were you listening when he interviewed one those Best for Britain chaps this morning?

May as well have had Farage doing it. Or a recording of Farage.

Actually we could save a bundle on license fees by just having recordings of Nigel Farage shout “Sieg Heil!” at people being interviewed about Brexit.

Then he could play old music hall classics like “My Old Man’s A National Socialist”, as sometimes I think the political folk are holding too far back from going full Farage on Brexit.

Light Nig won’t clean out the saboteurs and traitors attempting to undermine and subvert the will of the people!”

We did approach Mr Humphrys for a comment directly, and he even seemed to answer his phone.

But all we heard down the other end of the line was a scratchy noise punctuated by what sounded like a needle bumping along an old vinyl record.”

Will of the people. The people have spoken. Now let the people be quiet.

Over to you John for the weather,

“YOU DON’T PAY ME HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS A YEAR TO SHOUT THE WEATHER!

THIS IS UNDERMINING THE DEMOCRATIC MANDATE EXPRESSED OVERWHELMING WHEN THE PEOPLE VOTED IN THE TOTALLY NON-ADVISABLE REFERENDUM IN 2016 TO BLOW THEIR BLOODY HEADS OFF BY WAY OF ECONOMIC INSANITY.”

PLEASE…John, please stop shouting Brexit slogans, although to be fair, there was actually a lot more variety in that statement than usual these days.

Now, over the Nick Robinson for an update on the changing attitudes of the people of Britain as regards Brexit?

And maybe a comment on the latest leaks regarding the government’s own regional economic forecasts for a hard Brexit?

…..(just silence)…..(and more silence)….the people have spoken.

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Trump to spend $22M on gloves to wave at his completely non fascist military parade

United States POTUS Donald Trump is to ensure his planned military parade passes by in style by spending $22M on new mansize gloves to wave on a totally non fascist parade.

“Why spend $22m on Medicaid for lazy, lazy people, when we can blow it on a completely, non-fascist parade?” Trump tweeted last night.

“And I’m getting the biggest gloves. You’ve never seen such big gloves,” POTUS rambled on.

“I’ve got thr bigliest hands. Bigger than Hilary’s. Bigger than Obama’s. Bigger than Kim Jong UN!”

The gloves, specially designed by glover Hugo Boss using patterns from the 1930’s, will cost more than the parade itself, but it’s a price worth paying.

We spoke to our only Whitehouse correspondent, the only MSM reporter still allowed in the Whitehouse press briefing room, to learn what else is in the works?

“All military exercises have been halted while the US army prepares for the parade,” General Fog reports, “The men and women of the US will need to make sure they walk in a straight line, straighter than any line ever walked by privates on parade before.”

High stepping too. One big jack boot after the other?

“Yes. A gaggle of marching specialists have been flown in from North Korea in a diplomatic breakthrough that hasn’t received the coverage it deserves.

This parade could eventually be seen as the moment peace in our time was secured thanks to the wisdom of Il Douche.”

Further touches show the wisdom of the mighty leader as loyal Trump supporters will be allowed to join the marching ranks of soldiers.

“They’ll be allowed to drive their pick-ups and mobility scooters within the parade itself, holding placards with their favourite Trumpisms.

This is the day the people get to speak in the way they haven’t been allowed to for many a day.”

And there’s a nice touch too as Melania Trump will lead the ‘MAGA! MAGA!” chant on the day.

“They’re gaffer taping her to a microphone right now. It’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to make America great again! Again!”

Get your marching boots on. And make sure they go at least knee high!

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“I stand to profit more than I thought after seeing the leaked economic report”

“I stand to profit more than I thought, after seeing the leaked economic report,” said an emerging market specialist, “In fact, I’m a little shocked, but in the right way.”

The merry comment was made to LCD Views after one of our chief editors was awoken early by the unexpected phone call.

“Who’s calling please?” he grumbled back down the line, “is the coffee on?”

“Just think of all the cash I’ve been stockpiling over the years in USD accounts just waiting for the great Brexit train crash! Panama, Panama, I want to wire money back from Panama!”

“Who is this? Jacob? Daniel? Boris? Nigel? Kate? Jeremy? Is that you? If it’s you Jacob, I’ve told you not to call unless you want to practise latin.”

But the happy caller was not dissuaded.

“Maybe I should put some more in Euros too? What do you think?” he asked.

“You’re the emerging market specialist, you tell me.”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW CHEAP THE NHS IS GOING TO BE AFTER THE NO DEAL CRASH?”

“Please stop shouting, I’m only just waking up.”

The line went dead then.

The call wasn’t recorded. The transcript is missing. But I’ll believe our senior staffer, probably.

Especially with the latest leaked forecasts showing that most of the regions of the United Kingdom are promised various levels of doom under any Brexit scenario.

We spoke to our senior investment guru to ask what he will do in advance of the train running off the tracks?

“Don’t invest in car manufacturing in the UK.

Don’t invest in pharma.

Don’t invest in aerospace.

Don’t invest in higher education, the government doesn’t.

Just don’t invest until the crash and it’s time to bring it all back!

Take your money away like everyone else will.

Money will make money, but only if you take a leaf out of the Brexiter’s playbook and prudenter, placerat and keep it offshore until the prunus falces quondam maturavit.”

Finally, some latin at last.