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Ex-Russian WWF wrestler sues met office for copyright dispute over name Beast from the East

A legal firm acting on behalf of the Met Office has confirmed today that they have received a writ detailing a court action against them, regarding their use of the term “Beast from the East”.

It is claimed that this was the alias used by a retired WWWF wrestler whose glittering, sweaty career spanned 40 years. The ex-wrestler is said to want,

“a share of all associated advertising revenue streams and royalties from anyone using the term.”

The Russian retiree, now living in Romford, notably won a string of tub-thumping bouts during the Autumn of 1983. He was briefly crowned champion when he took the title from The Crazy Cowboy, a showdown that carried considerable political symbolism during the Cold War years.

This isn’t the first time the Met office’s use of frivolous and patronising names for dangerous weather systems has got them mired in controversy.

They were also subject to legal action when they were forced to subtly change the name of a North African tropical weather system to “the Grumble from the Jungle” during a particularly oppressive heat wave in the notorious summer of 2003.

In other news, Vladimir Putin has commented on the case saying the term is a disgraceful example of cultural appropriation and Russophobic in nature.

He is said to have told British envoys to expect hordes of ruthless barbarian warriors riding upon the wind, to descend upon London and besiege the gates of the Met office building.

More on this breaking storm of controversy as it happens.

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Liam Fox found crumbled in defeat after losing fight with packet of crisps

Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, has been found in a central London alleyway crumbled in defeat after losing a fight with a packet of crisps.

LCD sent our roaming reporter, Gary Lineker, down to the scene to find out as much as possible and to make up the rest.

“Even as I stand in the freshly fallen snow of central London near Leicester Square, I can see a scene before me that fills the mind with a mixture of bafflement and wonder.

Liam Fox, somehow an MP still, after resigning in disgrace from the position of Secretary of State for Hiding Friends Behind Curtains (aka Defence), is being shifted onto a stretcher.

The crisps he fought for his country are believed to have been a packet of Walkers, maybe Salt and Vinegar, perhaps Bugle cones, witnesses are being sought.

But from what I have gathered from speaking to people who claimed to have seen the drama occur, I can say little Liam gave the regular-tory less than 110%,

EXT    LONDON ALLEYWAY   DAWN

A shifty looking, short man with a briefcase stands at the entrance to a dark alleyway. This is Liam Fox.

A curtain hangs on the wall to his side. Movement behind it tells us someone is hiding behind.

The sun breaks over the building behind Liam and throws light through his steamy breath.

Liam Fox

“Wait for my signal. If he tries anything you run at him waving your arms and screaming.”

CLOSE ON

The curtain. A hand comes out of the side to give the thumbs up.

PULL BACK

Liam advances into the alley, the golden light of dawn running ahead of his steps.

He stops.

We hear rustling sounds. Crunching noises. A giant is stepping through the alley snow.

CLOSE ON

Liam’s face. The face of fury.

CLOSER STILL

His eyes. Just voids.

PULL BACK

Liam Fox

“I’ve got what you asked for.”

Silence, except for the sound of a giant bag of crisps rustling itself up.

Liam Fox

“Have you got the cash?”

No reply still.

Liam clutches his briefcase to his chest. He looks uncertain.

He begins to back pedal. Fear spreads across his face like butter on a bread roll in business class.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

He starts to walk backwards faster.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

CLOSE ON

The curtain.

See the furtive figure (we don’t see his face) dash out from behind and leg it out of the alleyway, and gone.

Liam Fox holds the briefcase over his head.

The crunching of the crisp giant grows louder and louder.

Liam’s shaking arms raise his briefcase over his head, even as he falls to his knees in the snow.

Liam Fox

“I am Liam Fox. Secretary of State for International Trade and you will give me a free trade deal.”

A shadow looms over Liam and a giant crisp packet begins to laugh menacingly.

END SCENE

 

 

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Monarch tells son there is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on

LCD Views’ only royal correspondent advises that Queen Elizabeth II has reportedly told her son, “There is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on a bit longer.”

It’s believed the remark was made while watching the corgis play in the snow covering the lawn of Windsor Castle this morning.

“Charles wasn’t impressed,” Green Searchlight reports, “he wants to start with May and end with a figure like Churchill, as he believes the king beyond the water, in prime ministerial terms, must be starting his journey to the United Kingdom.”

This appears to be based on what a prime ministerial shower the country has laboured under for many years.

“Let’s be fair, Blair was a new dawn for most but the old commies and Torykippers, and he did help complete the peace process in Northern Ireland and he did stop a brutal civil war in Sierra Leone, so till then it was a ok.

But then a former coke addict who fancies himself a cowboy threw Tony a bomber jacket, at a moment of crisis, and it’s been all downhill since.

Any leader who thinks God is working through him is bound to be almost as bad as one who thinks he is God.”

So Queen Elizabeth II isn’t going anywhere soon?

“Not if she can help it. She’s hoping to use the royal veto anyway to veto the EU Withdrawal Bill, while wearing her EU flag hat, just to see the look on Jacob Rees-mogg’s face. So she’s more than one good reason to hang on.”

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La La Land population census reveals boom in population

LCD Views has received a leaked summary of the recent census of La La Land and it reveals a boom in population that runs contrary to many recent population trends in industrialised countries.

”The big counter trend is that the population boom is a result of mental procreation,” our demographics specialist says,

“people aren’t moving to live in La La Land seeking new opportunities and bringing La La culture, but the resident population is doing this themselves by establishing a parallel universe next to people who refuse to move in with them.

In fact, it’s likely the population boom may discourage inward flows of migration.”

While anyone living in La La Land finds it a perfectly suitable place to live, academics who are not from the university of life are raising concerns.

”The government of La La Land has no bloody idea what it’s doing and while they may appear smug and self assured, they’re storing up massive problems for non la la land.”

One of the other issues relate to people who actually use Google to find facts.

”This is a serious and troubling concern for the minority of reason based inhabitants. It can lead to awareness of a looming loss of rights and growing economic calamity.

Especially as La La Land is not a country based on geography, but a bug eyed, swivelled headed idiocy that finds rabble rousing bigoted chancers presenting inherently racist agendas as perfectly acceptable, if it plays into their mortal fears represented as a sense of nostalgia the inhabitants of La La Land can’t be bothered to identify and combat with honest introspection.”

But what do you do if you find yourself surrounded by La La Land when you want to live elsewhere?

”You can leave. Many choose to. Or you can continue making the argument that living in La La Land is foolish and irresponsible.

Curiously, many La La Lands are actually democracies, so you can continue to make counter arguments even after idiotic decisions have been taken by governments, and if you can convince enough people to leave La La Land then you will succeed.”

But what if you don’t succeed?

“Then you’ll find yourself living in an Idiocracy and that’s never good. Except for people happy in La La Land as ignorance is apparently bliss.”

 

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Downing Street vet advises Boris Johnson politically culled after diagnosis of terminal foot-in-mouth disease

The Foreign Secretary has been diagnosed with polydismorphia, a disease causing confusion of body parts. This comes after Boris put his foot into his mouth in spectacular fashion during an interview on Radio 4.

There is no known cure for this disease. It is highly contagious, and can spread rapidly. The only practical solution is to cull victims and burn their bodies.

LCD’s Improbable Ailments correspondent spoke to polydismorphia specialist Dr Willie Tappen.

“This condition is endemic among the political classes,” explained Dr Tappen. “It can flare up at any time. Sometimes attacks can be confined and controlled. In Mr Johnson’s case, though, drastic action is necessary.”

Dr Tappen brought forth further examples of polydismorphia. They include having two left feet, being all fingers and thumbs, and not knowing your arse from your elbow.

“Some of these variants are mild and treatable,” the good doctor continued. “For example, Ed Balls was given a strong course of Strictly.”

Boris, though, is another matter. “Left untreated, his affliction could infect the whole country,” warned Dr Tappen. “Even the wider world is at risk. Diseases respect no borders, however hard.”

So we arrive at the border. Boris proposed to solve the Irish border problem, essentially, by applying a congestion charge. He then tried to eat his words; unfortunately his foot was in the way.

The solution is a cull. Anyone who may have been poisoned by Boris’s rhetoric will be included. The cabinet, the mentally challenged, and anyone who has ever been on a big red bus will be sacrificed to prevent the spread of infection.

LCD Views would like to reassure their readership during this crisis. There is a simple preventative remedy available. Whenever a sufferer speaks or writes, simply take a large pinch of salt.

It has been confirmed that the cull will still continue. No need to take unnecessary risks, after all.

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There’s no hard border between Boris Johnson’s backside and his brain

Boris Johnson has confirmed today that there’s no hard border between his backside and his brain, during comments in an interview that even a BBC journalist found hard to swallow, and some would say they’re pretty adept at eating whatever bs senior Brexiters dish up these days.

“There’s no border between my balls, my bowels, my brain and my mouth,” the Foreign Secretary, who is the United Kingdom’s international face, said,

“but when I was just a cheeky posh chappie on a comedy panel show I invisibly took millions of people for fools who thought I was a bit of a lovable rogue, but posh, so I must be smart, and I converted that at the ballot box,” Johnson told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme.

“There are all sorts of arrangements to stop the crap in people’s intestines from getting into their minds and out of their mouths, but I think it would ruin my special appeal if I took any steps to stop talking horseshit on the hoof.”

But Boris’ next comments, wherein he compared the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland raised a few eyebrows, when he compared them to the invisible dividing lines between London boroughs.

“The decades long civil war in London, wherein arms smuggling and attacks happened all along the hard border between Camden and Islington was stopped when I brought in the congestion charge,” Mr Johnson opined, “it will be this easy to tear Northern Ireland out of the customs union and single market and ensure there is no return to paramilitary activity in Ireland.

And if there is, and a few customs officers are shot or blown up, do I really look like a man who could care less?”

No Mr Johnson, Secretary of State for Exiting Reality, you do not look like a man who cares, but the rest of us damn well should, firstly about how you stay in your post?

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Poverty is wealth, newly created Secretary of State for Abundance to say

Jacob Rees-mogg MP is to tell an increasingly hungry nation today that, “Poverty is wealth” in his first major intervention as the newly created Secretary of State for Abundance.

”Home is where the heart is,” he is also expected to say, to allay concerns over the little pandemic of homelessness,

“people who are not prepared to open their doors and larders to those who have made a conscious decision to be less fortunate are not best positioned to harangue an overstretched public purse with pleas to assist the vocationally roofless.”

The speech will hopefully provide a welcome distraction from a government which is so busy accepting plaudits for its work over the last several years, that it’s having trouble communicating its deeply thought out policy agenda.

”U turn is straight ahead,” Jacob will continue from the steps of his modest one hundred room mansion, “1984 is 2018, but 2019 will still be 1984. Tax break is incentive. Rising cost of living is investment in your future.”

Other pearls are anticipated to be on display in a showcase of antique jewellery set beside the average working man.

A man who risen through his own hard work, while overcoming the numerous deprivations of his birth. Proving accident of birth is no barrier to advancement.

”Ladder is ceiling. Discord is unity. Famine is a meal for the spirit, and if you are wealthy with famine you have all the sustenance you need.”

He will also add that debt is equity and horses are for courses.

Enquiries as to what policy agenda he will set for his new ministry were met with an encouraging to do list.

”Once Jacob has freed the United Kingdom from the overweening shackles of the tyranny of parliamentary democracies across the Channel he will set to work on, Serfdom is freedom, to revise the labour market with fresh thinking.”

And finally, he will finish his debut speech today by reminding the country that “War is peace.”

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Trump orders all US schools to remove scary stairs so he can run in fearlessly

“So long, and I want to make this absolutely clear, so long as there’s no stairs, I would run in unarmed to a school shooting,” all round superhero and good guy, President Donald Drumpf, reassured an anxious country today, in the wake of the latest high school massacre.

”I’m faster than that Bolt guy on the flat, did you know that? A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because I trained him. I taught him everything he knows. He was an ambler when I met him.”

While some have reacted with skepticism, saying the President’s words were just idle boasting, many will be ressured by the order to remove stairs to make Trump running possible to begin with.

”They need to increase accessibility at schools,” He added, “I’ll be signing what is probably my most important executive order later today ordering the immediate levelling of schools, and this is vital, the creation of a place to park my golf cart inside gymnasiums, just in case there’s no time to run.”

The NRA was first to appalaud Trump’s words, as it means they can continue to profit off the mass murder of the country’s children under the fantastical notion that millions of high powered rifles designed to kill people as rapidly as possible make a country safer when someone like Trump has the nukes.

”Of course the SWAT team and the clean up crews would have to go in first,” Donald Trump qualified, “But I’d definitely run in, no more than two or three days after.

I do so much tweeting, just so much, I need to charge my phone rapidly, no more so than after a school shooting.

Have you seen me run around when I can’t find my charger? It’s something to see folks, you should watch sometime.”

Now at least Americans can feel safer.

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Cross-party Brexit committee recommends that the symbol of Brexit should be a unicorn

An announcement was made today that the symbol, mascot and emblem of Brexit shall be a unicorn. Members from across the Brexit spectrum, or “Brextrum”, hailed the decision as a momentous breakthrough.

LCD’s Mythical Beasts correspondent spoke to committee member Izzy Teck.

“This is the greatest breakthrough since the announcement of blue passports!” she boasted. “Unicorns will form the basis of all our marketing, publicity and policy-making.”

Ms Teck disclosed that the decision had been unanimous, with 52% voting in favour and 48% against. The committee has spoken, and the will of the committee shall be carried out regardless.

“In the name of unity, committee members were drawn from all major parties,” Ms Teck continued. “Conservatives, DUP, and Nigel Farage. Oh, and a random Labour chappie to fulfil some positive discrimination bollocks.”

Surely, though, other suitable candidates for the symbol of Brexit were discussed?

“Well, yes, we had to consider all options,” mused Ms Teck. “Dragons were rejected as being too Welsh, leprechauns too Irish, and Nessie too Scottish. We had to find a British beast.”

Surprisingly, the chimera was also rejected. An unlikely mish-mash of a creature representing implausibility, its appearance is an omen of natural disaster.

“The description ‘natural’ disaster was the reason,” stated Ms Teck. “Brexit is a wholly artificial disaster.”

So, the unicorn, beloved of teenage girls and other fantasists, was chosen.

“Who doesn’t love a unicorn? They are hard and yet soft, strong and stable-dwelling, have magical properties, and are completely fictitious,” she said, counting off the points on her fingers. “A perfect Brexit emblem!”

We await St George, riding upon a unicorn, to utterly defeat Johnny Foreigner and get our country back.

It only remains for a moaning remoaner to point out that the unicorn is in fact a heraldic emblem of Scotland. Scotland, which is considering secession from the UK in order to remain part of the EU. But why let facts get in the way of a good story?

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Westminster village residents to hold fudge fights on ice as polar vortex bites

Great news for visitors from Europe to London, and outside of the capital, with the announcement that Westminster village idiots, we mean residents, are holding a week long “Brexit Fudge Fights On Ice” festival.

The impromptu celebration is to make best use of the polar vortex gripping the United Kingdom.

LCD Views sent its political sports correspondent along to experience the first day of the action as the Thames ices up.

“I’m standing here in sight of Big Ben, who does not appear to be looking at me, watching as the stalls and bandstands are set up on the slowly freezing Thames, alongside Westminster Palace,” Rosie Searchlight reported,

“I’ve have my skates on and I have a sense of wonder as I watch the teams from numerous political parties carry their fudge pucks out onto the ice, so they can engage in the new ritual of Brexit fudge fighting.”

It’s uncertain who is currently favourite to win the inaugural title of “Fudgebergers” for 2018, but the field is certainly competitive.

”The Conservafudgers have been the early table leaders, having overtaken the UKIPfukkers by way of an aggressive player and policy transfer strategy the moment the league turned professional.

But lately the Corbybergers have made running up the table with very clever use of the definite and indefinite article.”

It’s believed this strategy is either a genius new play that will have the opposition so baffled they will either have to reverse their previous winning game plan of ‘set fire to it all and watch it burn laughing’, or potentially find themselves in the relegation zone before the end of the season.

“Other potential problems for the Conservafudgers are rumours their owners, DUP.inc are considering cutting their losses, out of a concern that the new owners of the SFudgers may demand entry to the Brexit Fudge Fights.

The new managers of SFudgers can probably sell it to the local clubs that make up their league, across the Irish Sea, that it’s worth for a time, just to see the look on the faces of the other teams in the league. But people better versed in Irish leagues should be consulted before anyone places a large wager on that.”

This action on the ice will certainly warm up the hands and faces of the spectators gathered to watch.

“The only note of caution is to be sure you don’t get any of any team’s fudge puck in your mouth. Definitely don’t swallow if you do. Wash your mouth out immediately.

The Thames may have been cleaned up in recent years, but the pucks are composed of a recipe involving apple pie aspiration, nationalism, insanity and just, well, shit due to the fact that whoever tops the table at the end of the season will have to accept whatever cup the largest trade bloc on Earth decides to present it.”