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Downing Street war cabinet search finds Profumo Affair hiding inside with Jeremy Corbyn

LCD Views has heard from an aide to the prime minister that Ms May got an awful fright this morning while conducting a search of her war cabinet.

“She was looking for the Penderyn whiskey bottle to fill her hip flask,” Mired Stiminer told LCD, “I don’t know why she was having so much trouble finding it, she keeps it in her desk drawer usually, but David Davis had been over to thrash out new Brexit catchphrases, so…”

It seems after searching the pot plant, an aspidistria that May describes as her “one true friend in all the world”, she decided the Penderyn bottle had to be in her war cabinet.

“It’s a bit daft to think it would be there,” Stiminer went on, “Boris would have polished it off if Davis hadn’t nicked it, just out of spite.

Not to mention Gove. He takes things to wind her up. He’d take her seat on the front bench if he could get away with it.

Or Hunt often nicks medicinal things to sell to Americans.

He took her first aid kit and sold it on eBay to an American bidder calling himself United Healthcare Group, which seems a funny handle for a person.

It cost the public purse £50, really high end kit, and he sold it for a fiver and a holiday in Bermuda! Ms May was going to sack him for it, but she chlorine chickened out.”

But with nowhere else to turn Ms May turned to her cabinet.

“She didn’t half shout in shock when she flung back the cabinet doors and found Jeremy Corbyn inside it hunched over a spy phone with Secretary of State for War John Profumo!”

But what did she do?

“What could she do? She recovered her composure and asked them if they knew where the Penderyn bottle was.

They said no, but Jeremy kindly gave her a hit of Smirnoff, that’s how the Russians pay him, and then told her to close the cabinet doors as they hadn’t finished telling the Kremlin what she had for breakfast that morning.”

But how will she react to the discovery?

“She’ll drink till the bottle is empty I suppose. She’s under a lot of strain at work.”

No. About finding Jeremy Corbyn with a Russian spy inside her cabinet just a day after hotshot Tory youth MP Ben Bradley was forced to bend the knee to Corbyn on twitter, for his little bit of democracy undermining libel the other day?

“Oh. Nothing. She’s not capable of doing anything about anything anymore. She’s already operating at the top of her game as it is.”

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Boris Johnson under scrutiny after allowing think tank Black Shorts free use of FCO room

Boris Johnson is under renewed scrutiny today after allowing the Seventh Earl of Sidcup, Lord Roderick Spode’s, think tank the Black Shorts use of an FCO room for free to launch their latest bit of neocon, fascist nonsense.

“It’s not like Boris Johnson had a choice,” LCD’s Walks like a duck analyst commentated, “He has done zero, zilch, next to nothing to get Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of that Iranian hell hole prison because allegedly Philip Hammond won’t agree to pay up for her freedom and Boris, to be fair, allegedly doesn’t really give a shit. This is all just an irritation on his path to personal glory.”

So it seems Mr Johnson was forced to make another controversial move to create a distraction for the media?

“Yes, the Tories only have ‘dead cats’ left in their policy box. They don’t have truth to go on. Can you think of one area of public policy they haven’t screwed up? Brexit is a big lie that is eating them alive.

Really, how they expect to survive as a party with their membership physically dying, and their every move destroying the aspirations of young voters, is anyone’s guess. So they have to keep making distractions up while they ask anyone they can think of what’s the magical solution for all their problems.

Because it certainly isn’t getting back to truth! Just look at the nonsense their allied hard right, offshore for tax purposes, media baron pals are up to!”

So allowing Roderick Spode to launch his new policy on potatoes at the Foreign Office is just more of the same?

“Yes. Sky started focusing on the plight of Nazanin again so Boris Johnson needed to make a play or he maybe forced into a discussion about how they are unwilling to cough up on the historical debt to free her.”

It’s a good thing Spode’s Black Shorts were to hand!

“Indeed. The way things are going we’ll all be having our knees measured before we can get hold of one of those fantastic, world enlarging blue passports after Brexit.”

But couldn’t Boris Johnson have charged the Black Shorts for the use of them room and put that money in a pot, start saving towards Nazanin’s release?

“You missed the bit about him allegedly not really giving a shit, didn’t you.”

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Prince Charles’ new favourite song Tie Your Mother Down by Queen

Prince Charles today revealed a new insight into his musical tastes, to the point of naming his favourite popular song, in an official announcement.

At a press conference he said, “yes, I’ve been listening recently to one of those new-fangled rock and roll numbers I think.”

As if sensing our collective surprise, he went on, “I heard the boys listening to it one day, and having a whale of a time. Harry was doing something like playing an imaginary instrument – you know, like Air Baton where you pretend you’re conducting an invisible orchestra.”

That would be Air Guitar then?

“Yes, something like that. I asked who this beat combo was, and they said it was a band called Queen. And well, naturally that name put me right off. But then I heard the chorus to this song, and it talked about tying your mother down, so I stopped and listened a bit more.”

So what was it that appealed to the future king?

“The words,” he explained. “Those four simple words, Tie Your Mother Down, they were like poetry, in that just like a great poem, they did put ideas into one’s head. Not sure about the bit where it says to lock your daddy out of doors – not at his age – but there are times I’d have gladly taken either of my little brothers swimming with a brick.”

So will he be listening to more songs by Queen?

“I think it’s a possibility. Isn’t one of them dead? The singer I think. Or is it the drummer? And interestingly, that guitar chappie, they tell me he’s the lunatic who played on the roof at the Golden Jubilee concert.”

That would be Brian May, who also wrote the song in question.

“Oh he did, did he? In that case, I must invite him round the palace one time to shake his hand, perhaps even give him a knighthood. Sterling work, sterling work that boy.”

Fingers crossed that it’ll soon be Sir Brian then. In the meantime, I wonder what he’ll make of Bohemian Rhapsody, or even Another One Bites The Dust.

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Gateshead gathers as the Angel of the North begins journey to Brussels

In the light of a cold dawn this morning the Angel of the North began its first journey in twenty years, and one that has the residents of Gateshead at turns anxious and at twists enraged.

The noise of the busy A1 was temporarily drowned out by the sound of the Angel groaning as cranes lowered chains around its wings, klaxons sounded to keep spectators clear and a giant, mechanised bolt cutter sliced through the metal roots of the modern megalith as if they were butter.

“They got little statues over there, don’t they? Why the hell do they need to take our Angel as a hostage? What’s wrong with giving them Big Ben?”

This was just one of the many questions asked, as early bird motorists pulled onto the hard shoulder to watch the removal of The Angel of the North.

The move is a symbolic one that Westminster has high hopes for and has been planned in secret for months.

“By offering about the only useful thing the north has produced since it mismanaged its steel and coal industries in the 1980’s,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP for North East Somerset began, from a safe distance away, in North East Somerset,

“to Brussels for the remainder of the Brexit discussions, will, I believe show just how serious we are to trade away anything of worth in the regions of the United Kingdom, in order to make me even richer and more powerful. Set potentia ex chao.”

But the move has not been greeted with unalloyed enthusiasm in Gateshead.

“We weren’t even consulted,” another motorist said, “what if Brussels don’t give it back? We voted leave to bring back control, not to give away our jewels.”

This is of course why the residents of Gateshead weren’t consulted.

“In the normal course of events this move would have been subject to lengthy public consultation,” Jacob continued, “but these aren’t normal times. And I would suggest the good people of this country should adjust themselves to the notion of wise rulers making decisions on their behalf going forward, for quite some time. It actually makes me quite emotional, on a personal level, it’s beginning to feel like the Statute of Labourers was never undone.”

But what if the Brexit negotiations fail to reach agreement? What if Brussels refuses to return the Angel?

“That will best return full sovereignty to the people of Britain,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP advised, “it’s a small price for Gateshead to pay to empower Westminster. Now if you do not mind I’m going to watch the Angel of the North fly and about time it finally did too.“

Plans to dynamite Arthur’s Seat are also underway.

Capto et popcorn.

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Police “experts” to be replaced with vigilantes with guns after 2019

The Home Office sneaked out this snippet of news under the radar. Fortunately, LCD Views always looks under the radar and has picked up the story. Essentially, post-Brexit, the responsibility for policing across the UK will be contracted out to local people bearing firearms.

Privatisation is a major theme of the right-wing thinking currently in vogue. The logic that private individuals can deliver a more efficient service than the public sector will be applied to the police. Local policing will be contracted out, to the lowest bidder. All police forces are to be disbanded the moment the UK leaves the EU. Experts predict that vigilante justice will prevail thereafter.

LCD’s Justice At What Price correspondent spoke to criminal mastermind Bobby Onthebeat.

“Local people know the tensions and flashpoints within their own community,” he said. “Local Policing For Local People is the new slogan. Better than some airy-fairy wet behind the ears Plod straight out of Cop College!”

But the guns, what about the guns?

“They are the ultimate deterrent!” claims Onthebeat, swelling with manly pride. “A dig in the ribs with an assault rifle will make the crimmos think twice about nicking jelly babies out of the pick ‘n’ mix ever again!”

They are criminals. They won’t think twice about arming themselves and starting a gun battle on the high street, we suggested.

At this point, Onthebeat suddenly remembered that he had an urgent appointment with the Police and Crime Commissioner, and scarpered.

We subsequently asked the PCC, Lord Whatwerewethinking, about white collar crime, since the Fraud Squad would no longer exist. “White collar crime is a complete myth,” claimed His Lordship. “Rich people don’t commit crimes. Why do you think the prisons are full of poor people?”

Reassured, we look forward to a time when the greater availability of guns will stop crime for good. It will be a blood red, deathly white and blue murder Brexit.

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Daily Smear Productions debut ‘Enemies of the People’ a farce to be reckoned with

LCD Views has been given the exclusive by Lord Rothermere, owner of The Daily Vomit. His portfolio has broadened with the launch of Daily Smear Musical Theatre Productions.

A West End theatre on Shaftsbury avenue is to be the venue for Smear’s first production, ‘Enemies of the People’, which is described as:

‘A reawakening of the famous, multi score musical The Producers, and just putting more Nazis in to increase the fun for everyone!’

In a closely guarded interview we sent I P Standing along to gain insight into the production, which has been described by insiders as very much heart on sleeve.

“I feel that the hit ‘Springtime for Hitler’ blends in well with current political dynamic,” said Lord Rothermere, “I can’t stop humming it…..be a smarty join the Nazi party. I do it while I try to undermine the judiciary.”

The Lord went on to reveal it reminds him of “fond memories of my grandfather looking across at Adolf with all those impressive men doing what he wanted. Actually breaking real things, can you imagine?”

He even suggested Oswald Mosley should be the UK governor! What a pick.

“I’ve spoken to my editor, Paul Dacre of the Daily Vomit,” Rothermere continued, “and he can’t stop coming up with new verses to complement the songs in the production. He said he’s so fertile with ideas that it’s getting in the way of desperately digging for dirt on Meghan Markle.”

His current favourite is, ‘Enemies of the People, throw them from the steeple!’ set to a swinging drum and bass.

“We’re going to ask Stormzy to set the score for some of the new songs. If he refuses we’ll run articles all week in the Vomit blaming him for causing the riots in 2011. Follow it up by proving he causes fruit to rot in the fields.”

Lord Rothermere is putting real effort into the costumes too, “I’m currently designing the uniforms for the show. Broad lapels with a waspish Kate Hoey waist, hem at half thigh, and of course knee length black shiny boots.

It should be a fashion winner on the catwalks of Milan!

Dacre has said that once we are ready to launch the show, he will do an eight page spread.

It will be truthful, extremely positive, a serious pre-determined and critical acclaim of the show.”

When will it open?

“Oh, that’s easy, we have it scheduled for 10pm on 20th March 2019. Quite apt, don’t you think? Get the brown shirts swinging, singing and dancing again the old fashioned musical way.”

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Old man misses trip of a lifetime after getting stuck in the 1970’s on Europe

An old man has reportedly missed the trip of a lifetime after he got stuck in the 1970’s on Europe.

“We all expected him to get stuck in an elevator to be honest,” a friend of the old man said, “he’s more at home walking up stairs slowly. It does take him some time to build up momentum.”

It’s believed the old man had been anticipating a long and fun journey aboard the ship of state, HMS 10 Downing Street, but he spent so long getting ready he missed the boat.

“He’s a bit puzzled,” the friend said, “he missed a few other boats back in the 50’s, 60’s and 1970’s and he really thought this time his ship had come in.

But when it looked like he was about to close his suitcase and get down to the port he suddenly remembered the EU is a corporate bully playground that only legislates all those minimum protections for democratic institutions, people’s rights and the environment because it’s a great cover for what they’re really doing by essentially making it easy for everyone on one continent to trade.

He had to call up a few people and organise some talking shops after the revelation. He should have kept packing his bag. He only had a pair of beige socks left to put in.”

We asked our travel analyst what he thought of the old man missing the boat?

“Some people think he can swim out and catch it still,” Pol Affairs mused, “but I don’t know if he’s a strong enough swimmer? It’s not really surprising.

You think about the time since he began preparing to catch the boat in earnest? Other people have done all the heavy lifting. The shirts. The underwear. The spare pair of canvas shoes.

He’s just wandered about talking about wanting to catch a boat. What move has he actually initiated personally?

I think he’s very good at encouraging people to go and vote for long ocean voyages, but that’s about it. A good campaigner. Endlessly walking to a port that is always a mile away.

It was the same when he played as a striker in his local league as a child.

You could stand him in front of an open goal, the goalie could be throwing up in the corner of the net because he was allowed too much pop drink before the game, and he simply would not strike the ball into the net. Over and over again.”

Apparently some people are considering commandeering a speed boat to use to take the old man out to the ship of state before it sails over the horizon, but we’ll have to wait and see if the old man is willing to move fast enough to get into it.

“It’s a shame really,” Pol Affairs added, “the crew of the ship are absolutely insane, no one is enjoying the voyage, it will be norovirus from port to port. The old man could have been useful on board washing everyone’s feet and hands. Oh and by stopping the ship plowing straight into that little island called GFA, because it’s off course and headed that way.”

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May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

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Unidentifiable floating object in Thames revealed as “a” fudgeberg

The authorities in Westminster, London, are bracing themselves for a clean up job that may appear endless as another giant fudgeberg is emerging on the waters of the Thames.

“Here we go again,” a fed up London Port Authority worker told LCD, “the guys that have to go down into the sewers and clean out fatbergs, they don’t know how easy they have it! We had the mother of all fudgebergs before Christmas and now they’re saying son of fudgeberg has emerged!”

It appears the giant fudge, which has the potential to kill as readily as its mother, not only over the issue of the Irish border, is made up by a combination of the looming Brexit position speeches planned in the coming week by both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“If these politicians had to clean the giant floaters out of the Thames themselves, maybe they’d think twice before creating these bloody things? I’m supposed to be counting herons up stream at Richmond, but I’ve been drafted in and told to grab a spoon and a bucket,” the worker continued.

But how concerned should the general public be?

“Very! Don’t go near it. If you see a piece washed up on the foreshore at low tide, do not touch it. Don’t let your dog eat it. If your child accidentally ingests a piece you need to get their stomach pumped right away. Anyone who has actually digested Brexit fudge has become a drooling idiot who believes the BBC is still impartial on politics.”

But surely the experience the Port Authority has now in clearing fudgebergs should have lead to efficiencies in the clean up process by now?

“Do you want to get down here and pick up a spoon? It’s smelly work. It gets on your clothes and eats into the fabric. It’s just a nasty job.”

LCD Views would like to state how much we value and appreciate the work of the Port Authority men and women who are routinely called upon to clean up the results of the fudged thinking of leading politicians too cynical to tell the voting public exactly what they’re after.

“Oh, hang on. Apparently the meeting at Chequers last night birthed a giant Boris turd that has been flushed into the river too.

And now that McDonnell’s interview in The New European has been digested by the masses we’re expecting a bloody unicorn splashing about endangering shipping any minute. I’ve got to go.”

We will tell your children you love them. Stay strong. Our lives are in your hands and on your spoon.

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No Deal Brexit Guide : Using canned food as a weapon in self defence situations

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”