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Road to Brexit in doubt after construction costs spiral out of control

Construction of the Road to Brexit, which goes from… somewhere… to… somewhere else, has apparently ceased. The reason is that costs have gone way over budget.

The illustrations are impressive, at least. They show a wide, sweeping expanse of glittering tarmac, elegant junctions, and hundreds of happy people in their cars. The only snag is that the route has not been defined. The map simply shows two dots, one marked “Here” and the other “Brexit”, and the Road, drawn freehand in crayon, more or less joins the two.

LCD’s Single Track Roads correspondent tracked down the construction headquarters with some difficulty. It turned out to be a shabby Portakabin in a field in the middle of nowhere. Cows munched the grass solemnly. There was no sign of the Road anywhere.

An old chap with an old spade and mucky wellingtons was in front of the Portakabin, digging a border. His name turned out to be Bill Droads.

Where is the Road to Brexit? we asked.

“It should be here,” replied Droads. “The first roundabout should be in the next field, and the main carriageway should be where you are standing.”

Should be? Should be? But this Road needs to be built immediately, doesn’t it?

“That’s right,” Droads confirmed. ”But construction has had to be halted before it has even started, because of cost overruns.”

How come? Nothing has been built yet.

“There has been a lot of money spent,” Droads said icily. “There’s the Managing Director, Finance Director, Marketing Director, a whole load of architects and management consultants, fancy offices in the heart of London, the works. There have been meetings, lunches, and a huge launch gala. All this has to be paid for. Unfortunately, nobody thought to plan a route or employ anyone to construct the Road.”

So it’s just you, in a Portakabin in a field?

“Yes. I even brought my own spade,” Bill confirmed. “They were too chicken to ask Carillion. I once tarmacked David Davis’ front drive so they asked me to do the job. But with no budget left I couldn’t do much. I can’t even ring up some mates to lend a hand as there’s no bloody signal out here!”

We decided to leave Bill to his border.

“Don’t tell them about the border!” he warned. “They will transfer me to Ireland!”

Rumour now has it that the Road will be orbital, like the M25. It doesn’t matter how far you drive, you always come back to where you started, sooner or later.

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Downing Street in negotiations with Southern Rail to replace ‘Open Skies’ with rail replacement bus service

Downing Street has moved to smooth ruffled feathers today with the reassuring news that they are in negotiations with Southern Rail to replace the ‘Open Skies’ agreement between the EU-US with a rail replacement bus service.

“There is absolutely nothing to worry about,” transport minister Chris Grayling said, “British planes will still fly after Brexit, they just may not fly very far.”

Under the scheme being negotiated between the UK government and Southern Rail, scheduled “aviation events” will be cancelled or delayed at the last minute to “bring some of the excitement of modern rail travel in an industrialised country to the mile high club”.

“It’s mostly about getting the language right to sell it to the flying public,” Grayling continued,

“what do you call it when you pull the United Kingdom out of a marriage in its fifth decade, with all the planning usually given to planning a morning walk of shame after pulling while drunk?

You don’t plan that walk until you have to do it, at least that’s what I’ve heard. Why should Brexit be any different?”

Grayling went on to illuminate (first time for everything) that you did it by quickly glancing at Wikipedia and ignoring “the bores in the civil service and their endless piles of tedious paper covered in strange symbols.”

But what does the aviation industry think of the looming loss of the EU-US Open Skies agreement, imperilled by the shamble-funicular that is the governing Con-Lab supply and demand agreement at Westminster?

“We’re bloody terrified! What do you expect? We have to know what we’re doing at least a year in advance or we can’t sell tickets. We need to know by the end of March. Time is fast running out for the U.K.,” an aviation representative said,

“The UK doesn’t know what it’s doing tomorrow, let alone the minute after the country’s engines drop off and it plummets headfirst into the mountainside that is currently life after Brexit.

And that mountainside, it’s heavily forested, and that forest, it’s on fire!

Adopt the position they advise you to when in a plane that’s crashing? Good luck with that!”

So worse than leaves on the line?

“Look. In public we’re making polite, slightly strained little noises like every industry.

We don’t want to appear to publicly interfere with the democratic process, while privately we lobby the hell out of the democratic process of course.

But behind closed doors we’re shouting in rage and incomprehension at these complete and utter idiots who are crashing the UK.

And do you know what the say in response, in private, your government ministers?

They tell us it’s our patriotic duty to make a success of Brexit. It’s eyewateringly insane.

Labour are no different.

They just smile serenely at us while they daydream about nationalising the production of platitudes.

We’re planning how to cut the UK out of our future. As much as we can.

Just look what’s happening with the Irish ferries, that’s your heads up pal.”

We asked Chris Grayling for a comeback to the aviation representative’s statement, but he couldn’t talk again, as he was busy having lunch with the CEO of Southern Rail, while they finalised how to get a bus to fly.

LCD Views advises everyone not to panic and to trust in the overwhelming mandate delivered by the British people on the 23rd June 1816 to colonise the world and build a new empire by staying at home.

Brexiters are presumably pleased at the potential of the U.K. crashing out of Open Skies, because in many ways it made travel over borders much easier. So at least someone can be happy.

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Cloud Cuckoo Land revokes woman’s visa as she’s now too deluded even for them

Shocking news is breaking this evening that Theresa May’s permanent residency visa has been revoked by Cloud Cuckoo Land as she’s now too deluded even for them.

“It comes on the back of her statement that the Brexit negotiations, currently being conducted by a faded imperial power deluded into thinking it’s going through a rebirth, and the EU27, that these negotiations will be an example for the whole world to follow,” LCD’s residency correspondent reports,

“apparently Ms May was already pushing her luck, but this was one insane statement too far.”

Even as we are going to print with this breaking news story immigration officials from the Immigration and Border Service of Cloud Cuckoo Land are believed to be escorting Ms May to a holding centre.

“It’s expected her case will be fast tracked, appeals turned down, and she’ll be out of the door by tomorrow morning and flown home.

She will then be forced to continue living at 10 Downing Street for an unspecified, but limited amount of time, and continue to lead the Conservative Party, until either Gove or Johnson can actually get a knife to stay in her back.”

It’s not clear how Ms May will take this latest setback.

Especially as it comes on the back of setting the world alight only a few days ago with a speech on Brexit hailed by her entire party as both “unfittingly insane” and “the last ridiculous word salad she would be allowed to utter in public before Cloud Cuckoo Land takes action”.

In advance of her return to Downing Street Ms May has apparently ordered all mirrors smashed and the shards buried in a deep pit.

“This is just sensible policy now,” our correspondent observes, “heaven help her if she ever takes a good look at herself while hearing her own words broadcast at the same time. In this instance the old adage, know thyself, would be tantamount to extreme and punitive self flagellation.”

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Working group say they have now perfected the out of common touch

Prime Minister for the time being, Theresa May, has gone one step further than her illustrious predecessor, Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher displayed her common touch on a number of occasions. Now May believes she has perfected the out of common touch, with the help of a crack committee.

A simple quote was all it took to demonstrate this confidence. Discussing books and pictures and security with an illiterate nation of insecure Philistines was a masterstroke.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? The relief of finally landing one’s own first des res after saving up for a few months. The joy at marrying an investment relationship manager. The naughtiness of chasing straw men through wheatfields.

May herself was too busy laying down platitudes for her elitist audience to speak to us, but we did manage to contact press officer Willie Toldwater to explain the situation.

“Theresa has been working very hard behind the scenes. Almost as hard as David Davis,” he said.

“Let me be very clear, the out of common touch is a gift granted to the few, not the many. Theresa has now mastered this art, with the help of a handpicked collective.”

We can think of a few of her colleagues who already possessed this gift before, like overgrown public schoolboy Boris Johnson. But Toldwater has more information.

“She has been searching for the magic bullet,” he disclosed. “She has been receiving private tuition from none other than occult specialist Jacob Rees-Mogg!”

Yes, the man who votes people into poverty while enriching himself, contrary to his proclaimed Christian beliefs. The man who dresses and speaks like a Victorian throwback. The man who gives his unfortunate progeny names like Sixtus.

“One considers it a privilege to work with the Prime Minister and her lackeys,” said Rees-Mogg. “My coaching has encouraged her to speak of her low birth among the ruling classes, to rally the natives. One hopes that, in time, she will feel confident enough to speak to this great nation of the impending joys of the workhouse, and the return of feudalism.”

That should give you food for thought the next time you send the butler to Harrods for a pint of milk and twenty Bensons.

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Affordable housing to be built for the benefit of lower-earning billionaires

The housing shortage comes to the top of the agenda today. Affordable housing is in short supply, and ministers are anxious to be seen to be doing something. Anything.

The massive experiment of privatisation and deregulation has finally produced negative results that even its ardent supporters recognise. Private developers will build high value homes because it is more profitable to sell to rich people. Rich people then buy lots of these houses and sell them or rent them to other rich people. Everybody wins. Well, everyone who matters.

This leads to an inflation of house prices and rents. This means that most people are priced out of the market, so investors suffer. To address this problem, developers are going to be obliged to build lower priced homes, so that poorer billionaires will be able to afford them.

“It’s only reasonable,” said Raisa Drawbridge, mouthpiece of Sajid Javed. “For too long we have neglected the needs of the second tier of wealth producers. Housing should then trickle down to everyone who deserves it.”

‘Deserving’ meaning poor people in expensive yet inadequate houses?

“No, they are not deserving,” retorted Drawbridge. “They obviously don’t work hard enough, and need to suffer in order to be taught a lesson.”

It is clear that an Englishman’s Castle is his Home, as more and more budget moated mansions come on to the market.

Before long, even people who drive BMWs will be able to get a foot on the property ladder.

The problem is most acute in London. House prices here are sky-high, instead of merely exorbitant as in the rest of the country. An average three bed semi here will fetch seven figures, and a disused urinal next to a congested dual carriageway recently sold for £750,000.

“That’s fine,” says Drawbridge. “Londoners are paid more than the provincials out in the sticks. It helps slow the current rate of inward migration.”

And truly poor people? Government advice is, there is plenty of mud and straw around, build your own and stop whingeing.

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Gove to back down on straw ban as government needs all the straws it can clutch at

LCD Views’ political environment analyst has received word today that Michael Gove MP is expected to back down on his famous straw ban shortly, as his government needs all the straws it can clutch at.

“It’s a deeply personally blow for Michael,” Rosie Searchlight says, “he’s so in love with polar bears and little robin redbreasts, he can’t stand the thought of not protecting their environment, unless it’s for a wholly justifiable reason like fracking the crap out of them for a quick buck.”

There has been suspicion that the single use straw ban policy was actually just a multi-use distraction by the government, which served the added purpose of bolstering Michael Gove’s solid reputation as a hippy.

“It’s amazing when you think of how some talents dedicate themselves to public service,” Rosie comments with a dead pan expression, “rather than just being a likely Murdoch stooge, greasing the wheels of government and creating malignancies in democracy. He could have been editor of a publication like ‘Ethics Trader’, or probably led a fortune 500 company to destruction.”

But the reversal of the straw ban will be welcomed by most MPs cross party as a welcome return to sanity by government.

“Look around the big hall at Westminster,” Rosie adds, “most MPs from the two big political parties are at full clutch 24/7.

The government, as it pretends Brexit won’t double down on all the human hating stuff they’ve done while in office to benefit offshore, tax avoiding capital and stuff the rest of us.

And the official opposition, who is not really doing bugger all out of some hazy notion that if they just stand by and let the whole country burn, they’ll be seen as our saviours when they pull the only survivor out of the inferno and set them to work on a collectivised farm.

They all need every straw they can draw from the sweaty hand of spin in place of democracy.

Multi-use would be preferable, and certainly kinder to badgers, but single use will do any given day, it’s the way we’ve been governed since Blair took us into the Iraq War and it’s served us well enough so far.”

Why change now?

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Woman and man struggle to answer if “a” racism is the only reason left now for “the” Brexit

A woman and “the” boy were left struggling today to answer if “a” racism is now the only reason left for “the” Brexit?

Both individuals are currently surprisingly influential in shaping “a” future of “the” United Kingdom.

They’re certainly surprised.

”It’s great isn’t it!” “the” man told LCD Views,

“for years I shouted from the sidelines about injustice and progressive social values and then one day I found myself “the” boss.

It  was supposed to be “a” prank to keep some children of Tony Blair happy, or something. I never really got to the bottom of it, but I’m still laughing now.”

It seems both have been centre stage over the last nineteen months or so in the public discussion over what to do about “the” Brexit.

”It’s a bloody ride, I’ll tell you that for nothing,” “A” woman commented, “hair raising stuff. Mostly on the back of my neck, hitchhiker who turns out to be a serial killer kind of ride, but still, when I was just a girl learning to distrust people who looked different, I never dreamed one day I’d get to drive an entire national agenda on that basis.”

But it seems, even though both have reached giddier heights than anyone expected, they’re now struggling with how to go forward.

”I’ll keep supporting “the” woman in “a” parliament,” “the” man advised, “she can’t do anything without my help.

The fear of losing “the” youthquake makes me “a” bit jittery though, I may have to change “a” position or turn from hero to villain. Only “a” Lansman isn’t so keen on that. He wants “the” Lexit.”

So an endless pickle festival then?

”Yes. But focus on “the” woman would you please? Not on me. I’m trying to get “a” giant fencepost out of “the” backside.”

Okay.

”So what are you going to do now about “the” Brexit?” we asked “a” woman.

”Oh gosh. It’s very difficult. I admitted during “a” speech last Friday that it will make us poorer, it will lose us control, there’s not much left of “the” cake, I’m afraid. Even “the” official leader of “a” opposition can only vaguely promise to try make everyone a bit less poor, in the dreamscape of unicorns where he gets to do “the” negotiations.”

Well, what is left? There must be something? Still one reason?

”Yes,” they said as “a” chorus, “there is still “the” elephant in “the” Brexit room.”

Which is?

”The reason it all started to begin with. Can’t you see it? It’s staring you in the face?”

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Liam Fox relaxed about US-China trade war because Liam Fox doesn’t understand how trade works

Fantastic Mr Fox has declared himself ‘relaxed’ about the possibility of a trans-Pacific trade war. This is widely believed to be because he has no comprehension of how international trade operates.

Fox was far too ‘relaxed’ to speak to us, so his associate Ed Lesschicken explained matters. “This is all happening outside Britain, isn’t it?” he demanded. “So the Boss couldn’t care less, right?”

We explained that, if Donald Trump levied a 25% tariff on steel imports, that China could well respond in kind, and prices could escalate worldwide.

“This is why we are doing Brexit,” said Lesschicken. “It’s a massive display of strength and confidence which will break down barriers across the globe. Global Britain means Global Britain! China and the USA will be begging us for our steel.”

But Margaret Thatcher closed down the UK’s steel industry decades ago.

“Yeah, that’s because they were run by trade unions,” responded Lesschicken. “Ideology has always been far more important than practical matters.”

Despite Lesschicken’s assertion, Fox has been jet-setting around the globe trying to secure trade deals, or at least schmoozing and boozing. Britain’s prospects are so bright, he has even been wooing shithole countries like China. He has accumulated at least 290,000 air miles in the process. His department’s motto is Fly Me To The Moon.

Countries Liam Fox hasn’t visited on trade missions (highlighted)

 

This page has previously exposed Liam Fox’s improbable attempts to do trade deals with the ultimate shithole country, Uranus.

Other sources revealed that Mr Fox was allegedly “very relaxed indeed this afternoon, by which we mean jetlagged of course, after flying somewhere foreign”. The same sources disclosed that Fox had turned down the chance of a three-course meal with the PM. Instead, he was self-medicating his ‘jetlag’ with prawn cocktail flavour crisps.

As a patriotic page, we ask, is all this necessary? After all, the UK could still make deals while remaining in the Customs Union, or indeed within the EU.

We can only assume that the real reason is to keep Liam Fox out of the way as much as possible.

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Twitterer in chief diagnosed with brain spurs

Fresh concerns over the neurological wellbeing of Earth’s commander in thief today with the news that President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with brain spurs.

“The News is the result of a leak from the White House itself,” LCD Views’ only American correspondent reveals,

“shortly after 6am this morning I was handed a brown envelope by a man in a trench coat whose throat seemed to go down as far as the Marinara Trench.”

Our award winning correspondent (we give the awards to ourselves, we’re like the wine industry) says that in the mystery bag were several cheeseburger wrappers in a used condition. But also an x-ray of Donald Trump’s head and a short diagnosis.

”The diagnosis is not expected to impair the functioning of Trump while in office,” our man continues,

“as the chief symptoms are serial sexpest behaviour, boasting about said behaviour on tape, and still getting elected to office because apparently the world’s primary democracy doesn’t care about that enough.”

Other symptoms include a willingness to allegedly launder Russian mafia money through apparently legitimate casinos, which are closed under the pretence of bankruptcy once their purpose is fulfilled, and ‘telling it how he sees it’.

”That is potentially one of the more serious affects of brain spurs,” our correspondent notes,

“as it usually means validating the regressive attitudes of people who think being respectful and polite to others (PC) means they are less manly now.

Surprisingly cultural progression is not a threat, unless you’re inherently insecure and are willing to be taken for a ride by the same small percent of people who have purposefully impoverished your communities for personal gain.”

What other symptoms are anticipated?

”Starting a trade war with China,” he adds, “sure sign the spurs have fully replaced the temporal lobes with calcium and cartilige now.”

So a short term boost and then a death knell for the US steel industry?

”Possibly. Let’s do the 1930’s again. At least we can take comfort that President Trump won’t have to fight in any trade war, thanks to the diagnosis of brain spurs.”

In old days spurs were placed on roosters and then they would fight for money, but no one thinks President Trump is well enough endowed to get into a cock fight.

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New commemorative 10p coins to devalue by 1p every time Theresa May speaks to Europe

By now everyone in the United Kingdom has read in The Sun about the release of new commemorative 10p coins tomorrow, Monday the 3rd of March.

The 260 million coins, one for every EU27 highly skilled worker expected to apply for permanent right to remain in England, have been hand painted blue to reflect Britain’s renewed sense of local pride, for local people.

”It’s also a great example of the immediate future of digital currencies too,” our financial analyst notes, “as each coin contains a digital microchip which tracks the value of Sterling against the Euro.”

This means that each time Theresa May speaks publicly on Brexit the coins devalue by 1p.

”It’s groundbreaking technology and wouldn’t have been possible without Liam Fox arranging a bespoke FTA with Germany (the chips are made in Frankfurt) in advance of Brexit.

We’ll be agreeing similar trade deals with each EU27 country over the next twelve months to ensure seamless continuity as we secretly diverge, with ministers of the crown giving backhanders to Saudi princes and oligarchs from China and Russia.”

To help people better understand the symbolism on the new coins we’ve produced a random guide of some of the designs, to train the eye for the rest.

There are 24 new designs, one for each letter of the betabet.

“We start with A for anarchy,” our analyst says, “this evokes the sense of what’s coming down the line for the U.K.”

C is for cricket, as hardly anyone in the world, who wasn’t ruled by Queen Victoria, knows what we’re playing at now.

”F is for fish n chips, to celebrate the contribution of immigration to British culture. That’s the most controversial design.

Most Tory ministers were dead set against it, but finally gave way on recognition that the prime minister, Rupert Murdoch, is from the colonies.”

E is for God, because he’s an Englishman.

“B is for Biffer, because in its guts, that’s Brexit, and the leaders of both main political parties, Tory and Labour, have united behind biffers.”

X is for xenophobia, this celebrates famous puppet minister May’s guiding principle for public policies.

“R is for rebel, without a clue, as that’s the government.”

O is for opium, that was said to be Boris Johnson’s personal secretion, we mean selection, to fire a shot across the bows of China’s ship of trade.

“G was going to be for the GFA. It’s worth celebrating and nurturing the peace after thousands of deaths.

That’s been changed to greed, to better capture the inspiration for the idiots who could care less about the GFA.”

V is for velocity, so we all know what speed we’re aiming for as we respect the will of the people.

The rest of the designs you can easily work out, as you unite behind collecting an example of each coin.

”Just don’t get the coins wet,” our financial man advises, “it’ll fry the chip inside and could cause localised electrocutions.”

LCD Views encourages our readers to ignore that advice as the future for the United Kingdom is only sunny and dry now. Money was made to go round and velocity is terminal.