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Brexit cancelled after MPs learn their future pay will be from Brexit dividend

Saboteurs and traitors who believe democracy is a process and not an opinion poll were celebrating today with the announcement from government that Brexit has been…

“We wish to make it plain to the reducing number of complete and utter nostalgia deceived lunatics who still support Brexit, oh, and the racists, and the cynical disaster capitalists and the dreamy Lexiters, that we are sorry to say….” Chris Grayling, judged most easily sacrificed after a cabinet poll said, before trailing away.

There was a lengthy pause and Mr Grayling took a gulp of honest oxygen, choked, was revived, propped up and eventually carried on.

”We are sorry to say that the eight thirty five Southern service from Clapham Junction to,” paused again, shuffling of papers, “wrong script. Hang on. That’s my other job. Excuse my aide for their error.”

He stood up. Checked his fly. Called his political agent and asked them to check his latest parliamentary expenses had been processed before sitting down and carrying on with his statement.

”It’s all Jeremy Corbyn and Momentum’s fault. If they hadn’t three line whipped Labour MPs to enable Theresa May to push forward the hard right neocon, tax dodger’s project of Tory Brexit.

Well.

We’re kind of in this big con job together because Milne and Davis are mates. Jesus. Couldn’t we have gotten Patel up for this? Or Greening?”

He checked his fly and then found his courage.

”We’d have been out of government by now if we had an opposition that disagreed with us,” Grayling was clearly off script now, “yes, yes, we’re only here because David Cameron was gutless but I came into politics to enjoy the benefits of the chumocracy, not take real decisions.”

Just finish the statement sacrificial minister.

”Here goes…Brexit has been cancelled because we’ve realised that little understood constitutional law relating to gross incompetence and dereliction of duty means that MP’s future pay will be from the Brexit dividend. And we all know that’s a bloody lie. Can I go now? I’ve got train cancellations to announce?”

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Home Office promises crime stats will be slashed by new user pays Robocop police service

Amber Rudd was back in offensive mode as she announced the Home Office’s new user pays police service will slash crime statistics.

”The major problem is not the dramatic cut to front line police officers,” Ms Rudd told a ragged collection of MSM journalists this morning, including our own disheveled crime correspondent, Gary, “the problem is the reporting of crime. This has caused statistics to surge in a way that my department views as almost criminal.”

But she isn’t going to take it anymore.

”We will shortly be releasing a new technological breakthrough in crime reporting prevention,” Ms Rudd beamed, proudly pulling a string to part a curtain behind her, “just look at the force behind me and know fear. Criminals should worry too.”

Gary reports an awe inspiring sight.

”The curtain failed to part fully, leading Ms Rudd to stand increasingly motionless for almost a minute,” he reports, “finally she turned and attempted to physically pull the curtains apart.”

But this also failed. She then gripped one side and tugged forcefully.

”The curtain dropped to the floor in a heap and in the shadows behind a pair of electric eyes ebbed and flowed.”

Next was the sound of numerous motors whirring in the joints of the crime fighting revolution and the machine stepped forward.

What is said should strike fear into the heart’s of statisticians everywhere.

”For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime,” Robocop offered, “have you suffered in a way that brings cuts to policing into stark relief? For just fifty pounds a sentence I will record your crime.”

Amber Rudd beamed proudly.

”I expect with our new user pays crime recording prevention innovation, you will read rather different headlines going forward.”

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Dodo replaces unicorn on United Kingdom’s coat of arms

The much loved and hankered after unity of the governing Conservative cabinet lay in shreds this morning after a controversial change was made to the United Kingdom’s coat of arms overnight.

“What’s with the f*cking Johnson?” Ms May is said to have hissed, as a fresh pile of official correspondence greeted her, as she sat down at her desk to evade the big questions of the day.

It’s believed a modification to the government’s coat of arms was in the offing, but, ”A turkey rampant had been chosen to replace the lion on the left of the shield. Not a poundstore Trump on a lion’s body,” an aide to the prime minister informed LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity.

Is this to symbolise the transition currently occurring in the United Kingdom?

”Yes. As we are right now turkeys having voted for Christmas, who are expected to become dodos post Brexit, these two British birds were felt to best symbolise what is afoot.”

So who is responsible for the premature and abrupt change?

”Boris Johnson appears to have broken into the Home Office last night, three sheets to the wind and made some alterations,” the aide replied.

So what is Ms May to do about it? Surely this is a sacking offence?

”I know your publication has a reputation for being less than serious at times about the big issues facing the country,” the aide said, “but that’s just ludicrous. Risk Ms May’s job over an issue of national importance? You don’t know much about modern British political leadership.”

So we’re all going to have to get used to the new coat of arms?

“Just pretend it’s not happening,” Mr Parkinson advised, “and you hold the current key to government.”

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Boris Johnson’s application to join the Guild of British Village Idiots turned down

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson’s application to join the official village idiots’ club has been rejected. This shocking news comes after he was recently turned down as a candidate for Clown Club membership.

To discover the reasons behind the rejection, LCD’s Rural Curiosities correspondent donned a smock, and headed to Guild headquarters in a village in Somerset. We discovered a man sitting on a wall outside a pub, with a vacant expression on his face. He revealed himself to be the Numpty Dumpty of the Guild of British Village Idiots.

“Ooh, arr, thart be me,” he admitted, trying to get his cigarette to light by dunking it in his scrumpy. “What yer want me fer? Not ruddy Boris again, is it?”

Yes, we replied, he’s been accusing Jeremy Corbyn of saying all the stupid things that Boris himself actually said.

“Oh, fer Pete’s sake!” exclaimed the Numpty. “Boris is more of a court jester than a village idiot. I told ‘im thart meself. ‘E still ain’t joining, and thart’s final.”

But he’s a complete idiot! Why can’t he join? Surely it’s a no-brainer.

“We do ‘ave a good larff,” said the Numpty. “Get ratted and fall over, for people’s amusement. Anyone in their right minds would love to join us. But village idiots can’t be in their right minds, can they? So anyone applying is sane, and therefore disqualifies themselves.”

That’s quite a catch.

Just tell me one more thing. Why do you behave like an archetypal comedy yokel?

“Coz we merged with the Worshipful Company of West-Country Stereotypes,” he explained. “It wuz an April Fool joke wot went wrong. Coz we done it in August.”

He fell off his perch, landing clumsily in a flowerbed and launching his pint into the air. He somersaulted, stood on his head, and caught his flying glass between his feet – to massive applause.

Numpty Dumpty had a great fall.

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English words starting with eu- to be re-potatrioted in 2019 to help make England different

The newly established ‘Ministry for Potatriotic Culture’ has informed an eager country that english words starting with eu- are to be re-potatrioted in 2019, to help make England different.

“We will be removing the e from the -eu prefix. It’s part of the Great Leap Forward into the unknown, “Secretary of State for Potatriotism, B Ediot MP, told LCD Views,

“modern english has become littered with aggressive imported words that are driving out the useage of indigineous inglish words. We will put a stop to that. It’s my ministry’s raison d’être, if you will. To raise the cost of Inglish words and make them valuable again.”

It’s believed the minister has identified the prefix -eu for action especially as it’s the gateway to dilution of traditional English words.

”If we can stamp out -eu when we stamp out EU in our lives, we can make a very different england going forward. One that Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will also feel the benefits of, especially if we can encourage them to more readily use proper Einglish too.”

Like in the good old days?

”Yes. Back when we married our cultures together seamlessly by accepting only Ainglish was worth speaking. And english didn’t become the amazingly diverse and popular language it is by cross pollination with our languages. That’s not how it works.

Immigrants have given us nothing of value, that’s a key message in Brexit, which is supported in a very unifying way in parliament. It’s helping make us grate again the world over.

Although it’s important to understand that being envaded by Ingland was always solely beneficial.”

So words like uphemism, uthanasia, urope, ugenics will become the way forward?

”Yes,” B Ediot said, “making a different United Kingdom after making a success of Brexit is the way to make it a utopia.”

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Momentum activists react calmly to news of new centre left political party

Momentum social media activists have reacted calmly to breaking news this morning of a new centre left political party.

”Do I look bothered?” F Uming told LCD Views class traitor correspondent, “we’re so left we’re so right about everything. As only we represent the people, except for anyone who doesn’t agree with us, you know scum, why would I be bothered?

People who disagree will be re-educated sooner or later. They don’t need a voice as it’s inconceivable they could have any legitimacy.”

F Uming had to stop for a moment to retweet “yellowtorytardenabler” five hundred times at someone sharing news of the new party with a positive spin on it.

So you don’t see a new centre left force in British politics as a threat?

”Only Blairite traitors would vote for them, so what’s to worry about? A rich man’s party only for the rich. Tory enabling scum.”

But some would suggest Jeremy Corbyn is enabling Theresa May’s neocon chums to push through Brexit, in spite of the unceasing evidence of the damage it is causing and will cause? You know, the long game? Is not serving our democracy.

And this is why they will not vote for Corbyn’s Labour, precisely because they believe Brexit will hurt the most vulnerable the most?

”Let’s get one thing straight. Brexit is a Tory project. Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to vote for article 50 before any preparation or real analysis of the impact was done is leadership. He dropped May right in it.”

He votes with the Tories every crunch point…

”Blairite.”

But.

”Blairite scum.”

I didn’t support the Iraq War. And I’ll save you some time, I didn’t support any of the damaging policies brought in from 2010 and believe the bankers should have been held to account for the financial crisis.

”Yellow Tory.”

You’re not addressing my concerns.

”Insulting you is how I win and means you’ll vote for us.”

No. Not when I see your leadership assisting the government in reducing the country and living standards and supporting what I believe is the tax dodger’s dream of Brexit.

Not to mention all the broken promises, lies, suspected voter manipulation wrapped up in Brexit. Also the risk to peace long term on the island of Ireland.

“Tory class traitor.”

And, given that we know half the country, and likely more if you consider polling of people who didn’t vote in the EUref of 2016, don’t want Brexit, shouldn’t the job of the official opposition be to give them a voice?

”You’re a libtard Tory shill,” F Uming won the debate, “I knew it from the moment I saw you. Blairite.”

How will Corbyn afford his social policies, which by and large most centrists and left of agree with, with Brexit?

”I’m still saying Blairite.”

That isn’t an answer.

”Of course it is. Labelling someone who questions the leader a ‘Blairite’ is the way I win every debate online. It’s how we’re going to triumph and create utopia, because who won’t vote for us? We’re so bloody sure we are right. You however, by disagreeing with me are making people homeless.”

You’re not winning me over.

“You don’t matter. Get that into your thick yellow Tory head. We are going to win. At least on Twitter once everyone who disagrees with us has blocked us and we can only talk to ourselves.”

F Uming, thank you for your time.

”Blairite.”

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Prince of Wales to spend weekend planking stream in prep for being renamed The Severn Bridge

The intermediary between Prince Charles and the rest of us has announced today that HRH is to spend the weekend planking a stream in the grounds of Balmoral in preparation for being renamed The Severn Bridge.

”He’s building bridges,” the footman said, “he’s terribly distressed regarding the kerfuffle over those patriotic chaps wanting the rename The Severn Bridge, The Prince of Wales, so he’s devised a compromise to please most parties.”

It seems as part of the Prince’s offer he will allow The Severn Bridge to take his name and position and he will do so in kind.

”He is going to have to take some heavy traffic,” Prince Charles’ man told us, “but if you consider his day to day life, it won’t be much change.”

But while the peace offer shows he is ready and suited to be monarch, not everyone is best pleased by the Prince’s intentions.

”I don’t want to be a bally bridge,” Prince William is reported to have said in private, “I want to be king. I want my first born to be king and his first born, boy or girl, to expect to be king in the fullness of time. A flipping bridge? A common toll bridge at that? I’ve half a mind to stage a palace coup.”

Prince Harry is said to be upset by his father’s plan also.

”What’s that make me then? An overpass on the M4 I suppose? Or a bloody pedestrian bridge? A railway siding at Waterloo? Jesus wept. I’ve half a mind to stage a palace coup. I told my fiancé she had an outside chance at sitting on the throne one day, not at being a multi-story carpark outside Bath.”

As to what The Severn Bridge thinks?

”I’m glad someone thought to ask,” it told us, “I’m going to have a bugger of a time waving and asking people what do you do? But I’ll do just fine at taking the money I suppose.”

As part of the transition it’s understood Charles is to take up residence in Caernarfon Castle, the traditional seat of English power in Wales, so that should please everyone too.

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U.K. placed in intensive care after contact with toxic substance

LCD Views has been ordered to strap on the face mask, snap the rubber gloves and issue the public service message that the U.K. has been placed in intensive care after contact with a serious toxic substance.

”Scientists at Porton Down are working furiously to determine the exact toxin used,” Dr B Offin informs us, “it’s most likely cooked up from a recipe of Russian Cold War, or close after, origin and is thought to be especially dangerous if inhaled, but less so if rubbed on the skin to avoid getting the hose again.”

Dr B Offin wasn’t able to pinpoint the extent of Kremlin involvement, but suspicions are it’s in there somewhere, and being utilised by homegrown agents of both main political ideologies prevalent currently to further their own ambitions.

”It is inconvenient to have to quarantine the entirety of the United Kingdom. We had hoped just to shove England behind a curtain with a zipper and an armed guard, but it seems the toxin has already been transported across to Northern Ireland.”

But what about a cure? And a defence against further toxic attack?

”If the patient is to recover they will need to stop re-electing proven liars, as that’s the main source of toxic shock and the bigger the dose the bigger the damage.”

What about politicians that promise popular policies, like unicorns for all?

”You’re not paying attention. See above. Such types only faciliatate the damage after the major shock from another source. Truth must return and devotion to it and sanction for deliberate dissembling. It’s like sunlight killing germs, truth, we should try it. Can probably unplug the respirator and stand tall again if we do.”

Any other measures?

”Stop buying, sharing and in anyway interacting with The Daily Mail, Sun, Express and Telegraph,” Dr B Offin advises, “as they weaken your immune system and make you susceptible to the toxin in the first place. It would be bloody helpful if the BBC could stop interviewing liars too.”

Now there’s a further thought.

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Escape from the Garden of EU

God created the Garden of EU for the man and the woman to live in. He took a day off, as he was tired after six days of ceaseless creation. Unfortunately, free Will of the People was one of the gifts that He had given to mankind.

The Garden was fruitful, and the man and the woman were happy, and had plenty of all that they needed. They prospered and grew strong, and there was no need to cover up.

God placed but one condition on them. “You may eat of any of the plants in the Garden,” He decreed. “But you are forbidden to eat the fruit of the Brexit tree, for whomever eats of that tree will surely die.”

Now the serpent was the craftiest of God’s creatures. He persuaded the woman to eat the fruit of the Brexit tree. “For you will not die,” he hissed. “You will see the light, and know the truth which God has concealed from you!”

So the woman ate, and discovered that God’s plans were laid bare, as naked as she was. She became convinced that the Garden was too good to be true, and that the grass was greener outside.

“Cheers for the tip, Nige!” said the woman, Theresa. “Hey, Jeremy, try this, it’s lovely!” So the man ate too. The scales fell from his eyes, and he too felt as if he has been lulled into a false sense of security. So they created dull garments and set off for the Garden gate.

“Why are you leaving my Garden?” asked God. “Why have you covered your motives? Did you eat the Brexit fruit? Did I not forbid you to eat of the Brexit tree?”

“It was the serpent’s fault!” wailed the woman. “He deceived me!”

“In return for your disobedience, woman, you will have an insoluble paradox to solve,” thundered God. “And you, man, for your weakness, will Labour for ever in barren soil!”

He turned to the serpent. “You will crawl on your belly,” He declared. “You will forever be an Enemy of the People!”

“Get over it, God, who needs experts?” said the serpent. “We got are country back!”

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If you don’t vote Labour the Tories get in say people who forget how Nigel Farage became prime minister

“If you don’t vote Labour the Tories get in,” is on permanent cut and paste under the fingertips of Labour activists with just weeks to go until the polls, and the reverse for the three or four Tory ones that exist still. As no other parties exist in British politics and even if they did clearly their points of view no longer matter.

“We’ve also a fresh batch of vilifying insults to deploy on social media for anyone who isn’t prepared to kiss Corbyn’s saintly ring,” Jacob Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “you see Brexit is a crusade of proven lies, anyone with proper political principles is backing it.”

Something to chew on.

But why is the ultra conservative, ultra Brexiter, leader of the Borg, assisting Labour with its campaign chit chat?

”Because Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and the crowd running Momentum are Brexiters,” the MP for stripping away the rights of the working man said.

”Their enemy is our enemy, so it’s best we work together until we fight over the spoils.”

That’s the long game?

”Yes.”

It explains why it’s taking so long.

But surely you run the risk of people voting Labour as a result of this now tried and tested phrase?

”You’re forgetting that the people who say it online often follow up with yellow Tory, centrist shill for about a week on retweet,” Jacob smiled, “so any wavering Conservatives will stay with us out of fear of being strung from a lamp post day one of a Corbyn administration.

As to the others who don’t think either a Corbyn or May Brexit is the answer, as they are clearly one and the same, those millions no longer exist and can be insulted at leisure due to their obvious thought crimes. It’s fantastic campaigning. Building alliances through insults and alienation.”

But it’s not even true. People abandoning both Labour and Conservatives and voting UKIP made Nigel Farage prime minister just with council seats and voteshare.

”And what a fine Brexit PM he’s turning out to be, he’s even united the leadership of the two main parties in U.K. politics behind his vision of a xenophobic little England for the future.”

Nice work.

I wonder what the rest of the world thinks of us now?

”They think we’re an example, mostly of how 1930’s values can be revised for the 21st century.”

British exceptionalism at its finest.