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BREAKING : Gov to ease shortages with drone deliveries of soap and fuel to your door

BREXIT IS AN EXPLOSIVE MIXTURE : 10 DOWNING STREET are not putting up with the relentless bad news headlines for a day longer.

Under plans worked up over a late night drinking session, rumoured to have involved several games of Twister, the Government has ordered the army to ease shortages by use of drones.

“The drones are sitting just about idle now we’re out of Afghanistan anyway,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Why not put them to good use domestically?”

The scheme will involve trial runs initially with lucky householders receiving deliveries of soap and petrol direct to their front door.

“Imagine how your face will light up when you open the door and see the drone has dropped its load on your steps?” the source beams. “Once the trial has been deemed a success we will expand it to cover the entire country.”

The drones are expected to stop people driving to the supermarkets so often.

“This will conserve precious fuel supplies until the EU blockade on HGV drivers is eased,” the source advises. “And will have the added benefit of less footfall in supermarkets, thus less photos of empty shelves filling up social media. That’s bad for national morale. Something has to be done to encourage belief that Brexit is a success. So. Drones.”

It’s believed the airforce will also be thrilled to get involved as so far “everyone talks about the army helping out but no one ever mentions the RAF. That’s not good for morale. We’re going to do something about that too.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that if soap and petrol mix it could lead to some nasty accidents.

“That’s just the usual girly swots getting all worked up over nothing,” the source dismisses the concerns. “You’ll see it will be a bright day tomorrow when the payload lands. And besides, it can’t be half as dangerous as turning inadequately trained truckers loose in control of petrol tankers! Only a lunatic would do that.”

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A Muppets reunion is unlikely to happen, says Fozzie Bear

IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN: Dishevelled and with deeply misplaced leadership ambitions, Boris Johnson lookalike Fozzie Bear has all but ruled out a Muppets reunion. All the others are too busy with running the country down. 

“We’ve all got to grow up a bit,” said Fozzie. “Like me. I’m very grown up, in fact I’m the most grown uppest person I know, but the others aren’t, I mean, they need to prenez a grip here. I’m doing my best. Donnez moi a break!” 

Fozzie paused for effect. Nobody applauded, not even Muppet groupie Cora Lunesberg. 

“Erm, erm, erm, yes, no, well, green is good!” continued Fozzie. “Green is the colour! Green for go! Damien Green! Green with envy like the marionettes! Lucrative greenbacks! Kickbacks! Wiff waff!” 

The other Muppets were not happy. 

“Fame has gone to his head!” remarked Kermit the Frog, during a break in his latest world tour. “One verse in a minor hit single and he thinks he’s Robbie Williams! Riding on the back of MY success! Sorry, but it’s like the tambourine player going solo.” 

Miss Piggy was scathing. “He’s never been the same since he was on that panel show, a few years back,” she said. “It went to his head, which was enormous anyway, and now he’s totally lost it. His appearance has changed too, he used to be quite smart, for a bear. Now he looks like he hasn’t groomed himself for months!” 

“He’s regressed back to Sesame Street days,” said Big Bird. “He couldn’t count to ten for real!” 

“Bring back the Muppets?” said Statler. “Who do they think we are, a bunch of Muppets?” replied Waldorf, and they both dissolved into fits of giggles. 

“Hold on, what’s all this fake news?” roared the real Fozzie Bear. “I was hibernating, what have I missed?” 

Boris Johnson. Calling him a muppet is unfair to Muppets. 

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North American Free Trade Bloc makes “re-joining EU” condition of UK membership

A STITCH UP IN TIME : Doctor Hubert Blootung, chief representative of the North American Free Trade Association, has spoken to the press overnight outlining the conditions of the United Kingdom’s accession to the distant trade association.

“I would start by saying how impressed I was with the phone call from the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary Ms Truss,” the doctor began, to the surprise of many. “It is not often these days sales calls from cheese manufacturers are made with a personal touch. I have agreed to purchase a block of cheddar, with a complimentary pork product. I can appreciate that the cheddar must be Irish in origin for the moment, due to the difficulties of trading from the sovereign United Kingdom. But as long as there is a Union Flag on the packaging somewhere, it will be good enough for me.”

The pleasantries out of the way the Doctor got down to business.

“It is obvious to everyone why the United Kingdom must seek to join new trade associations. Preferably as far from the UK as possible. How else to recapture the might of the British Empire unless with a global policy? The EU will soon see the error of its ways when British made goods are sailing straight past it, through Suez and arriving in North America. But we have one condition for the UK for its application to join our trade bloc. They must first rejoin the EU. If we’re going to be having taxpayer jollies back and forth across the Atlantic I want to go to a country that has food.”

It’s not yet clear how the Prime Minister will respond, but it is expected that if he perceives personal gain in it he will swap positions on the EU as quick as you can blink and leave the domestic opposition politicians stunned and still babbling about embracing Brexit.

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Boris Johnson builds “world beating” free trade bloc out of empty wine crates

ARTS AND CRAFTS : The future of UK trade is secure today after British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced he had joined a world beating free trading bloc.

Hot on the heels of despair and ignominy in the United States, that even the state broadcasting and propaganda service could not fully conceal, the PM is said to have “rolled up his sleeves” and taken a nap. Once the afternoon snooze was over he “rolled his sleeves up even higher” and got “completely plastered on some excellent vintages”.

The drinking is believed to be key to the trade bloc success as it “Provided the raw materials needed to construct it. Although the paint to paint little people on the side doing trade was domestically sourced”.

Of course building a new free trade association out of empty wine crates is a radical move but this is a radical Prime Minister. No one before has lied to the Queen and gotten away with it. Just think what he will achieve next!

“The new trade alliance will allow Downing Street to continue with the ramped up post Brexit economic strategy of paying industries Brexit is killing to shut up, while spending taxpayers money on international jollies,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We would like to invite the USA, Canada, Vietnam, Chile, New Zealand, Easter Island, Russia, well everyone really, to apply to join. Liz Truss is hanging by the telephone for your call.”

The new trading bloc has an apt name too that draws on the economic revolution that is occurring in the United Kingdom post Brexit.

“Members of the failing, tyrannical EU super state are welcome to free themselves of the bloc’s red tape and join us,” the source invites. “There are two sets of rules in our new association. Which one applies to you will be determined by your wealth at birth. Make us happy by doing our dirty work and we’ll give you a peerage too. It’s very exciting.”

The name of the free trade association is sure to excite.

“We’ve called it Free United Kingdom Demands International Trade,” the source beams. “Or F U K D I T for short. We believe it encapsulates the wins delivered by Brexit.”

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BREAKING : White House confirms Joe Biden was just waiting for Johnson to “f*ck off”

GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT : The White House has responded off the record to the visit from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson. In a candid exchange with journalists an unnamed White House source (who is almost certainly invented) made the following comments.

“It was frankly embarrassing,” the source told LCD Views. “Joe had a full diary to work through and this shambling haystack appears at the front door claiming to be family. Or in a special relationship with our entire country, whatever that means. Could he please come in for a few minutes? Apparently he was busting for the toilet too. When he emerged from the bathroom he smelt of whiskey. Or had splashed so much aftershave on it was enough to fumigate the Oval Office. And the Oval Office didn’t need to be fumigated as it was cleaned by a bio-hazard specialist after Trump was dragged out. Really, no one knew where to look. We just kept dropping hints it was time for him to leave. Not even really sure who he was? Said his name was Al and he was from Global Britain? Maybe it was a prank? You know, one of those TV shows where they set people up?”

While the comments from inside are illuminating regarding how he was received, there were some significant gains for the British Prime Minister.

“He had this so called journalist with him. Or a blogger. Something. Said she worked for Auntie? Whatever that is. She tweeted the entire time. Everything this blow in did she praised. Maybe they’re in some kind of toxic co-dependency? Really we don’t have time for games like this. We’ve got serious work to do. Even if they are somehow related to us it would be best if they kept their distance.”

For his part Mr Johnson went on record to say he thought the visit went “Stupendously! Like Theseus in a wool shop. He aaaaa….aaaaaa….just the right weave! Baggins! Like Baggins. The one ring. Just magnificent” and no one was any the wiser about what he meant.

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Boris Johnson accuses world leaders of making fine speeches but doing nothing

FIDDLING AS ROME BURNS: World beating gaslighter Boris Johnson is pumping out hot air again. In a fine speech he insisted that fellow world leaders should take action instead of making fine speeches. 

“Fine speeches butter no parsnips!” he bellowed, coherently for once. “My parsnip is well buttered and oven ready! Slam in the lamb! Get the toad in the hole! Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we go again!” 

World leaders glanced at their translations in delight, as it seemed that Johnson was treating them to a cookery class this time. 

“What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!” he continued. “Beware, my friends, your goose may be cooked, and the turkeys have voted for Christmas!” 

This was a very meaty speech. It was nothing to do with the energy crisis, but very entertaining. 

“Energy is a slippery customer, like a greased pig!” Johnson was hitting his stride now. He recognised the smiles on the faces of his audience. Encouraged, he carried on hungrily. “Out of the frying pan, into the fire! When the chips are down, there’s no point crying over spilt milk! This is no time to be mutton dressed as lamb! We must stop the gravy train, get on with the bread and butter!” 

This was splendid, vintage stuff. Numerous delegates were visibly salivating now. 

“You take the biscuit!” he continued. “Let them eat cake! The world is our oyster! Boiled beef and carrots! This is a trifle. Time to get our teeth into it! Fillet steak, rare, six bottles of champagne, and charge it to Macron!” 

He stumbled down to rapturous applause from the hungry crowd. 

“So what are you doing about the crisis?” asked an intrepid reporter backstage. 

“Do? I’ve just done my bit,” replied Johnson. “Now where’s the buffet?” 

There’s no gas, but plenty of gaslighting. 

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BREAKING : Candlelit vigils banned to preserve UK’s winter fuel supplies

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR : The world beating United Kingdom government has today ramped up preparations for the first Brexit winter.

Work has been happening in the heart of Downing Street to ensure Britons fully experience what a minority voted for in a rigged, illegally influenced national opinion poll won on outright lies some years back. And that work is now baring its teeth.

“Candlelit vigils are out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not only will the ban allow us to get closer to achieving our climate change goals it will also mean Britons have heat and lighting through winter. Well. Some of winter. Probably.”

The ban on use of candles will last until Christmas with the UK’s manure smeared, tumbled haystack of governance, Boris Johnson, due to light a candle on the steps of 10 Downing Street on Christmas Eve to end the ban.

“Christmas will be saved,” the Downing Street source confirms. “You remember that classic British novel A Christmas Carol? You recall the Cratchit’s? Your Christmas will be like theirs, before Scrooge has his watershed moment. It’ll be great. Your PM’s Christmas will be like Scrooge’s just without the revelations or character development. It’ll be great too.”

Anyone caught holding a candlelit vigil will be prosecuted to the full extend of the law. It’s not clear what the crime will be yet, but they’ll be sure to make up one when its needed.

“If I were you I would not do anything but subserviently accept the ongoing deterioration in your living standards,” the source advised. “Go quietly into that good night. Go gentle. Mr Johnson must be seen to be a great Prime Minister. That is all that matters. That’s why schools are riddled with the virus. That’s why we’re using your money to pay off failing industries rather than acknowledge the failure is Brexit. To upset his apple cart would break the national delusion that it can not happen here. Because it can’t. Because we’re British.”

Exceptional.

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Downing Street confirms House of Commons is now fully insulated against reality

BE OF GOOD CHEER YE GENTLE FOLK : The UK is ready to take on the challenges the UK’s government is throwing at itself unnecessarily after completion of work at the House of Commons.

Strong and stable government is required for a well maintained, representative democracy and to be stable it needs to be fully insulated against information it doesn’t want to hear. Reality is no use when great changes are in hand. Work to ensure an “impenetrable buffer” against reality has been ongoing for several years, and 10 Downing Street confirms today it is “110%” complete.

“We’ve ramped up the insulation of the old Palace of Westminster and now nothing, nothing that is unpleasant can get through and reach the ears of the MPs. It’s cotton wood headpieces over the ears for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson can lie through his teeth and no one will be any wiser. His own MPs will applaud of course as the lies serve tax efficient arrangements for their donors. The opposition can be guaranteed to go along with the farce and do nothing to upset the status quo, as they helpfully tied themselves to the mast of the HMS Brexit on the 24/06/16 and no one has seen fit to cut the ropes. Hey ho! Oven Ready Calamity here we go!”

The insulation will also help the UK meet its climate change goals too, as confirmed by the spokesman.

“That’s because we don’t really have any,” the source grins, “because we’re idiots. But that’s what the people voted for and we’re delivering on our promises to donors.”

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“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – PM hits the right note on SNAFU UK

YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the front foot today and leading his increasingly desperate and bedraggled people out of the wilderness he’s lead them into.

It’s said the PM will style himself “after Nero” and give a speech today from the 10 Downing Street balcony. He will be dressed in a “toga” that will be “heavily stained from the bunga bunga party that is alleged to have happened in that Russian oligarch owned villa in Tuscany when he was Foreign Secretary”.

The speech itself will be classic Johnson and acknowledge the terrible state of today by promising a “lovely day tomorrow”. It is expected prominent UK journalists will report the speech “breathlessly” and fail to point out that it’s always a lovely day tomorrow under Boris Johnson, but today is always worse than yesterday.

The PM will break from his usual classical Greek references and instead tip his hat towards his colleagues by inventing some Latin. “Aedificare retro melius” is expected to feature repeatedly in the energetic and promising speech which will prove to voters all that is needed to make a success of the country is to deny reality.

But he will also show his impressive range of learning by drawing on a classic line from the 19th century German philosopher Nietzsche and remind the nation, “Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger“, which may come as a surprise to the 150,000 people who have largely avoidably died in the pandemic thanks to Mr Johnson’s morally bankrupt government.

The PM is expected to receive strong backing from his Home Secretary Priti Patel who is said to be very keen to not kill anyone at all, but rather have them exist in a state of “never ending torture”. The Chancellor will also offer his support out of a sense that it is “not yet time to plunge the knife in and try and become Prime Minister”.

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Department for Levelling Up applies to Brussels for EU redevelopment funds

FRIENDS IN NEED : The Department for Levelling Up has demonstrated today that it takes its mission seriously with the announcement that it has applied to Brussels for EU redevelopment funding.

The delipidated state of the United Kingdom has been a growing concern since 2010 with everyone baffled as to what has been going wrong. Most careful consideration would lead to suspecting the European Union is to blame as everyone knows that without UK cash it is finished. Well, it’s time to give something back.

It’s not clear who exactly signed off the request, although as the Department is now being run by Michael Gove, he is in the frame as having the “brass neck for it”.

To help the EU agree to fund the “levelling up” of the UK domestic media will run unusually abusive stories about Brussels with the French getting some heavy treatment, just because.

“The EU has to ask itself if it really wants a raging bin fire just off its coast?” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “It’ll be very embarrassing for the European Union to be seen to be giving the UK a punishment beating by not paying to rectify the damage of over a decade of Tory policies. That sort of churlishness will not recommend the bloc to new members.”

Voices suggesting that tax havens should cough up the cash will thankfully be ignored.

“We can’t use British taxpayers cash to level up the United Kingdom,” the source explains. “British tax payer money is needed in the bank accounts of British territories that provide tax efficient services. Brussels must pay for our schools, roads, water, health and really everything or they risk missing out on the vital UK food bank market.”

Lord Frost is expected to support Mr Gove’s request by going to Brussels with a full nappy and running around the European Parliament with it screaming incoherently about wanting a toy truck for Christmas that comes “with a HGV driver”.