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Boris Johnson to build second Channel Tunnel using only “child labour”

MEAT AND TWO VEG : Visionary British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have had ENOUGH of the endless newspaper headlines about the worsening poverty stats in the U.K. and is going to act.

The deepening crisis of poverty has been a growing blot on the landscape of one of the world’s richest tax havens since 2010, with no one at all able to work out what changed in 2010 to cause it. Luckily for the U.K. it now has a PM with a plan.

Mr Johnson is said to have hit on the idea of a massive jobs programme for poor children after a dream in which he was a Georgian monarch saw him preside over full employment for the under 10’s.

“The second Channel Tunnel will put right what the first one put wrong,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will still head off towards Calais before making a sharp turn just before France and doubling back to England. Here it will become a tangled spaghetti with no end in sight.”

The scheme is expected to employ every “able child” that can be found and will provide an education that better “prepares the UK’s poverty wracked students for a bread and water future.”

The building project has won the backing of the Chancellor too. This will pour water into troubled oils after Rishi Sunak is said to have cancelled the planned bridge to Northern Ireland to keep Dominic Raab happy who it is reported is unable to understand how an area of the U.K. can be in the U.K. but not physically attached.

Bunting will be hung at the spot outside Dover where construction will begin and the theme music to Dambusters played as scurvy addled, rickets wracked youngsters pick up their shovels and hoes and break ground. Forget those fronted adverbials you’ve got rocks to break!

“It will be a boom time for both the hi vis and professional photography sectors of the U.K. economy,” the Downing Street source said. “During the projected 10 year construction period the PM will visit daily to pose in energetic and visionary positions as the emaciated poor of Tory Britain struggle to breathe in the lengthening tunnel.”

But it’s not just excellent use of a pool of idle and as yet untapped underprivileged workers. It’s also a finger in the eye of Brussels.

“The EU aren’t involved,” the source exalts. “They’ll have to deal with knowing we’re excavating the longest, deepest man made tunnel on Earth and it’s going to backtrack under our British backsides while they stand there fuming over child Labour labour laws. It’s a tangible victory for Brexit Britain which sits neatly on the shelf next to an empty pint glass with a crown on it.”

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Lord Frost bans export of English Sparkling Wine to Brussels in “punishment beating” for EU

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP THEM : The UK’s greatest unelected bureaucrat Lord Frost has decided to hit the EU WHERE IT HURTS today to teach them a lesson about their intransigence.

Utilising a full page spread in the official Conservative Party newspaper, The Telegraph, the PEER OF THE REALM told Brussels that all exports of English Sparkling Wine were now BANNED until they “REALISED THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM”.

The decision to target the ban on bubbles is thought to be based on the well known love of the FRENCH TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE.

“If they don’t watch it we will ban fried Mars Bars next, which will also be a warning shot to the Scots,” Lord Frost wrote. “I’ve half a mind to just deny the EU even exists until it realises that because I’M A LORD they have to do what I tell them to, just like the peasants at home.”

Brussels is yet to respond to the TOUGH NEW ACTION and is reported by British media to be in a “frenzy of laughter” to conceal their true feelings.

“Brussels needs to understand they will be forever negotiating and renegotiating Brexit so long as Boris Johnson is SUPREME LEADER in the United KINGDOM. They don’t even have kingdom in their name. How they hell do they expect to be treated as equals by a nimble SOVEREIGN POWER?”

Some domestic critics have queried though why Lord FROST employed the caps lock so frequently in a column that appears to be largely written for a DOMESTIC AUDIENCE.

“Our spies tell us some in Brussels can read ENGLISH,” a 10 Downing Street SOURCE told LCD VIEWS. “But we all know Johnny Foreigner is dashed awful at understanding the Queen’s language unless it is SHOUTED. This is the only OLIVE BRANCH they’re going to get.”

For his part the Prime Minister is said to be thrilled at Lord Frost’s latest toddler tantrum and hopes to hear from the White House again soon.

“He doesn’t care that Biden only has a staffer phone up to tell him to zip it. Any attention is better than no attention at all.”

Domestic consumers are not expected to increase their consumption of English Sparkling Wine to compensate for lost exports as there’s NO BLOODY TRUCK DRIVERS TO DELIVER IT to stores.

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Petition begging Boris Johnson not to try and save Xmas again reaches 1M signatures in 30mins

WILL OF THE PEOPLE : DOWNING STREET is said to be in a “dismissive” mood today after a petition targeting the Prime Minister launched and instantly hit one million signatures.

The petition addresses suggestions that Boris Johnson will this week lay out his vision for the months leading up to Christmas this year. And it’s got anyone with a functioning memory terrified.

“Remember last year?” one signatory commented. “He said he was going to save Christmas and then 10’s of 1,000’s of people died avoidably in a resurgent pandemic. Heaven forbid he tries to save Christmas again. Just let it go. Let’s skip it.”

It’s unlikely the petition will be heeded by the executive and some fear it will just encourage Mr Johnson to go further than he plans already.

“The people only get to decide government policy in criminally corrupted referendums,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Anything else is none of their business. I would suggest the people who started this petition take it down immediately. The PM is guaranteed to do the opposite, just to show them who’s boss.”

It’s unlikely either side will budge though and the petition is expected to top 10M signatures before the end of the day.

“He gave us pestilence for Christmas last year,” another signatory noticed, “so if he’s going to try and stop the supply chain crisis he created from ruining Christmas this year that means famine. It’s like he’s working through the list of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. He’s a right shite Father Christmas.”

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Minister says people “waste time sleeping” when they could top up their income “on the game”

UPLIFTING : A minister has defended the planned cut to Universal Credit today by suggesting people aren’t fully “utilising their talents” and instead wasting time which could be put to profitable use.

Talking to the media they said that too many welfare recipients “waste time sleeping” when they could be working.

“There’s plenty of work to be had in the night,” the minister advised, “factory work for starters. And if you have to leave your children unattended, then as long as they’re asleep you don’t need to pay for childcare. But if you want to hire a babysitter than that’s creating employment for someone else. All it will take is a little imagination.”

The minister then went on to suggest that the long and glorious history of Tory MPs being caught with sex workers suggested a ready demand that could be met.

“People can go on the game. Why not? It will be tax free income too. Which will make people feel like they’re a member of the wealthy elite. It’s actually very aspirational.”

But when confronted by an interviewer who said this was a shocking dereliction of the government to care for the welfare of the citizens, the minister was non-plussed.

“Since 2010 we’ve been telling you we really could not give two shits about your quality of life or prospects. You’re there to be milked. You’re the fat of the land. The pandemic has given us the opportunity to make it plain as the nose on my face that we don’t care if you live or die. It’s hardly a stretch to suggest you stop sleeping and sell your bodies to eat? Just how hungry are you? A few hours in the dead of night will easily make up for what is lost to the UC cut and NI increase.”

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BREAKING : Queen to effect “mockney” accent in hope UK stops electing idiots with posh voices PM

LEAVE ORFF : Many have wondered since the EURef what the hell the Queen is for? Apart from postage stamps and cash. As the hard right ToryKippers lay waste to democratic standards and asset strip the UK, isn’t the Sovereign supposed to step in and restore order? Well the wondering is over.

A press release from The Palace this evening says the Queen has “had a gut full” and is going to “get involved.”

“Her Majesty will be effecting a mockney accent henceforth,” a well buttoned up spokesman revealed. “It is in the express hope that the United Kingdom will stop electing complete and utter planks to run it.”

The decision to change from RP is thought to lie in the ability of idiots with posh voices to fool the general public into thinking they know best. Clearly, they don’t.

“Just think about it, right?” the spokesman implored. “Last year, yeah, old Boris was going to save Christmas. He was going to save it from Covid. Which in itself was bloody obvious was not going to work, given he couldn’t be arsed to stop the virus in the first place. Then tens of thousands of honest citizens perished. FFS. But his accent means he’s still PM. Leave orff. Get in the sea Boris!”

It’s rumoured Her Maj has had some expert help to change her patter.

“She’s hired Jamie Oliver. He’s the most famous mockney going. He’ll sort her out. She’ll be sounding like a fish wife in no time.”

To begin with the Queen will memorise and use a set list of phrases. The pick of which is “That David Cameron? What a TWAT! He calls it on and then buggers off. He’s off in Nice with his trotters up!”

It’s hoped that by associating herself with barely understandable, common accents the Queen will convince the general population that a posh accent is no guarantee of competence.

“It’s worth a shot,” the spokesman added, “before we’re all brown bread. What she really wants to do is kick old Boris right in the Alberts.”

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PM explains “CV-19 roadmap to Xmas” after detailed study of Tory MPs’ travel diaries to Xmas

DINING AND DYING : The UK’s ramped up, off grid, glamping Prime Minister is to make a major speech this week laying out the unforced errors he’s planning for the months to Christmas.

Clearly with the economy impersonating the Titanic, the novel virus mutating in state schools because no one in power could give a shit, and Shapps attempting to turn the country’s motorways into a Mad Max appreciation society, via HGV interpretative dance, the public need reassurance. That’s where the PM stumbles in. Late. After focus groups suggest he’s tanking.

With his hair cut and his fists clenched Mr Johnson will reveal his detailed planning.

“We will continue to mismanage the pandemic as we have done from the start,” he will say, “to offer the certainty of the continuity of malpractice the public have come to trust as their reality. If you are able to afford a mansion, chauffeur driven cars and helicopter transport you will be as safe as an MP. Well, discounting the days we put on our show in Parliament.”

So far, so good.

“Those of you who have heard rumours of an October half term firebreak can be reassured that if you’ve booked a holiday destination that aligns with a senior cabinet minister, or Tory donor, you will not be inconvenienced. The rest of you? Sacrifices have to be made for the common good. Just not by myself or my cabal.”

The decision to continue to manage the country to allow Tory MPs to maintain lifestyles that most closely resemble their pre-pandemic plans will ground the country in a tranquil assurance.

“It will be like living at the steps of Mount Vesuvius,” the PM will add. “Remember, it’s a lovely day tomorrow, all you have to do is hold your breath.”

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“We’ve abandoned all standards for Prime Ministers, so why not HGV licences?” – Downing Street

MAD MAX DYSTOPIAN HELLSCAPE : Downing Street has offered welcome support today for Transport Secretary Grant Shapps, and by extension the entire cabinet.

The Transport Secretary has been receiving incoming fire over his decision to make the UK’s motorways arguably much less safe, rather than admit Brexit was a mistake. In particular his decision to reverse regulations covering HGV driving licences. The most eye catching part of which is getting rid of the boring parts like how to reverse or actually uncouple one of the giant road trains from itself.

“Drivers won’t need to know how to reverse or uncouple trailers,” Shapps is reported to have said. “The sheer momentum of two HGV’s driven by barely trained, inexperienced drivers will see them reverse once they slam head first into one another in some ghastly accident in a small town involving a mother and a pram or some cockapoodle. That will do the uncoupling too.”

It all makes perfect sense. But of course enemies of the people, who stop at nothing to undermine Brexit, have gone all nanny state on Shapps. Happily for Mr Shapps the PM has his back.

“Shapps? Is it Shapps? Is that what he’s called these days? Is that the Transport Secretary?” a spokesman said on behalf of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “Great chap. Just magnificent. Team player. The heel on the Achilles of freight.”

Other contorted classical references followed in what has been described as a “a semi-trailer of confidence in the Transport Secretary by someone rumoured to be perpetually hammered”.

It is hoped that the mere mentioning of Mr Shapps’ name by the PM will be enough to shut up the general public and set aside their worries over dying avoidably in an horrific accident.

“Look we’ve given up all standards in controlling pandemics,” the spokesman added, “look at the sterling work of Truss! No standards in trade negotiations! Ha! What’s a hospital? Whatever Sajid wants it to be. Education? I mean come on, let’s be serious, Williamson? Everywhere you look you see evidence of red tape being cut. Take Afghanistan! The motorways may become less safe but that’s a price worth paying for Brexit. And besides, Tory MPs go everywhere by helicopter so it is frankly unpatriotic to moan about the risk of the bodies piling high on motorways. It’s a price worth paying for Brexit.”

To be fair to Downing Street, the rolling back of regulations covering dozens of tonnes of potential death travelling at high speed is in keeping with what the country expects of its Prime Ministers these days.

“No standards anymore. None at all. Complete laughing stock. The people voted in 2010, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2019 to abandon all and every standard of governance. The weakening of HGV licences are what they wanted.”

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BREAKING : Government relaxes rules on what is food to solve supply crisis

EVERY LITTLE HELPS : 10 Downing Street is now bored of the endless headlines about the supply side crisis and the social media posts of empty supermarket shelves, and they’re doing something about it.

“We’ve basically copied and pasted our work on HGV licences,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re relaxing the rules on what is food. I mean, what is food really? It’s essentially a philosophical question. A existential question. A metaphorical question. A mystery. One of those. I’ll get Raab to answer it.”

The relaxation will make it easier for supermarkets to fill their shelves again.

“Say your local big Tesco gets a massive order of cat litter? Bingo! As much porridge as you want. Genius. That kindling you see for starting wood burners? You’d be surprised how soft small shards of wood become when you boil them for a long time. A really long time. Can’t find your favourite brand of tea? Have you thought about a burnt newspaper substitute? All it will really take is a little imagination and Global Britons will be filling their bellies with any old shit we find laying around.”

It’s not expected that there will be any negative consequences from the relaxation over food standards.

“No one will be getting an upset stomach. Don’t worry about that. The way things are going the Brexit tax rises will see you foraging for your meals and feeling right proud about it.”

Clearly dog food and cat food will be in high demand as sandwich fillers. Baby wipes as wraps. Cardboard will make excellent pasta sheets. There’s nothing to worry about.

“We should have a banquet on the White Cliffs of Dover and laugh at the Continent,” the source adds. “Clearly the Prime Minister won’t be in attendance. He has to wait in for that luxury food hamper the Tory donor sends him. But we’ll dredge up some nodding dog from the backbenches to go and celebrate it.”

Global Britain? Standards? What standards? Standards about food are for people who lack belief in food. Believe in food, just like people believed in Brexit.

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Brexit : Turkeys FURIOUS that after voting for Xmas they may not be on menu

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Turkeys who voted for Brexmas have hit back today over concerns they may not be on the menu this Christmas.

“We want to be killed, plucked, stuffed, eaten and complained about well into January! WE VOTED FOR THIS.” a spokesbird for the turkeys told LCD Views. “Bloody PINGDEMIC IS GOING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS. I didn’t vote for this!”

But in spite of what the tasty birds did vote for it seems concerns over the supply of food into the United Kingdom may mean they may miss out on their annual feast day.

“And to make matters worse they’re saying the FRENCH MAY EAT US?! THIS IS A DISC RACE!”

There is some hope on the horizon though with Downing Street set to strip away any regulations at all that make anyone safe, in order to appear to be making a success of Brexit.

“Last year Boris had to save Christmas from the decisions made by Boris in the pandemic,” the Turkeys raged. “IT WAS A NEAR RUN THING. This year? Bloody EU! We voted in 2019 to GET CHRISTMAS DONE and we meant ALL CHRISTMASES. NOT JUST THE ONE’S BEFORE BREXIT. GOBBLE! GOBBLE!”

Responding to the concerns from the turkeys the government issued this statement : “We have listened to the concerns of the turkeys who voted for Christmas and we will be raising their taxes. Rest assured that no one in the government is going to go without this December. We have the inherited wealth to pay for it.”

The new reality of Brexit Britain, where personal wealth will determine standing of living more and more should give some measure of comfort to the turkeys who voted for it.

“It is aspirational,” the spokesbird agreed. “Just think if I choose a better accident of birth next time around I could be the one feeding off the turkeys and not the main meal. I’ll work harder to achieve that. Just like old Boris.”

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Boris Johnson starts U.K. wide bus tour to boost popularity

SUPER SPREADER MAN : The PM who visited a hospital heaving with novel virus patients early on in the pandemic, and famously shook hands with everybody, and later caught the virus, is at it again. He charmed the sick and the dying last year and he can charm you when his latest big red bus of lies tour!

“The Prime Minister has reacted to the weird poll result showing the Tories polling below Labour by going on campaign. Good governance won’t fix this. Pulling Labour into an own goal like last year’s Oven Ready Brexit vote in parliament will,” a 10 Downing Street announced.

“Johnson is going on a charm offensive and the offensive is guaranteed. We just need a slogan. Anyone got one spare? Eager Tory supporters are encouraged to look out for the big red bus painted in lies arriving in their street some day soon. Red Wall voters get your bunting out because the king in the south is coming! And he’s going to tell you the shelves are full, the pandemic is over, UK is stronger than ever and the French are in disarray over Dover customs delays.”

The decision to campaign will allow the PM to avoid the policy crisis he’s created for a few weeks. It’s hoped by the time he gets back to Westminster it will time for October half term and a well earned holiday.

“The polling slump was caused by the pingdemic. Not Afghanistan. Not empty shelves. Not full hospitals. Not the UC cut by billionaires in cabinet. Not the triple lock pension smash by millionaires and billionaires in cabinet. Inherited wealth knows best!”

To govern is to choose. Not a hope in hell of Johnson doing that well. But he can do what he does best. He can shake hands with everybody and tell them they just have to believe. Like the bus.