LCD Views

ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS: The government has solved the fuel supply crisis at a stroke. It is to build a chain of Nightingale petrol stations to absorb the demand. 

“This worked perfectly with Nightingale hospitals,” remarked Glib Solutions minister Kaye Ottic. “They bought us precious time Get Covid Done, and to think up another dead end story to throw the public off the scent.” 

There are plenty of unanswered questions. Who is going to staff these filing stations? Where is specialised equipment like fuel pumps coming from? And how is the fuel going to get there in the first place? 

“We know what we are doing,” lied Ottic. “In Brexit Britain we need to believe in better. The resourceful British public with their great British common sense will find a way. And remember, it would have been much worse under Corbyn. I don’t see the Labour Party coming up with any solutions, and in any case the EU is to blame for withholding their cheap labour, this is why Leaving was so essential. They just need to be reminded that they need us much more than we need them.”

That’s no sort of an answer. 

“I’ve responded fully, and you are beginning to sound unpatriotic,” snapped Ottic. “If you dare to question me again, then Priti Patel will investigate your family tree, and deport you because your auntie once went on holiday to Corsica.” 

That’s reassuring. Corsica is a lovely place. Sounds like win-win to me. So what are you going to do when cars pull up to your useless Nightingale petrol stations? Wave a flag at them? 

“Yes. Now remove this whingeing traitor from this country,” she growled to her goons. “They will put you in quarantine. Two weeks in an all-expenses paid hotel in Corsica, wearing a face mask. You won’t like that!” 

It is to be hoped that there is enough fuel to power the aeroplane. 

PANIC OVER : We all know that the public is easily bored of such mundane parts of everyday life like food and fuel, which is why the UK government is forever inventing new baubles and medals.

While it’s all very well for peers, nurses, care workers and royalty to get all the medals, what about the everyday man and woman in the street? How does he feel as he watches the knife fight by the pumps? He is bristling with resentment at the awareness a nurse who has so far survived the pandemic is paying her carparking fees with a badge and he’s got nothing?

Well, to help foster the spirt of national cohesion that will drive Brexit Britain forward, the government have come up with a wonderful solution.

“This is why we engineered a fuel panic buying crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s definitely not because we’re just incredibly stupid. We’re actually magnificently malicious. But we’ll give you a bit of plastic you can pin on your shirt and feel proud about it.”

The badges themselves will say “PETROL” and will be distributed on all petrol forecourts so people can drive home believing they have filled up.

“Your tank will be bursting with pride once you pin on your PETROL badge,” the source tells LCD Views. “This is not just gesture politics. This is a meaningful gesture, especially as you’ll be paying for it.”

It’s hoped the quiet satisfaction the badges will imbue will help people hold out patiently while the remaining four soldiers the Tories have yet to cut from the Armed Forces come to you personally with a thimble of fuel.

Get your PETROL badge today and pin it on yourself with pride. Just be careful. Don’t try and eat it! Wait till next week when we start handing out FOOD badges at the supermarket!

FESTIVAL OF THE DAMNED : GREAT NEWS TODAY OUT OF 10 DOWNING STREET with the announcement that the day Home Office Secretary Priti Patel ENDED FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT FOR GOOD is to become a national holiday.

The new bank holiday has been nicknamed FUKTARD as that combines the elements of what the UK has done to itself and sounds a little bit like custard.

“The custard reference will bring to mind our world beating Prime Minister and the famous bin bag full of custard reference,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And the FUK is pretty self evident. We think it’s a catchy name for what will be a vigorous annual festival of cannibalism, and if we’re lucky, a prelude to a full blown zombie apocalypse.”

It’s believed the timing of the announcement is a little suspicious though, coming as it does during the Labour Conference in Brighton.

“It’s not true that we’re trying to get Laura K’s attention back. She’s still doing her best work in Brighton,” the source dismissed. “Let us focus on the positives of Brexit. Namely being nasty to foreigners. This is why Freedom of Movement Ending is such a victory for the UK. And because they’re economically illiterate and think foreigners were to blame too, the Lexiters can help us celebrate. They must be worn out from all the years they spent demanding better pay and conditions for HGV drivers before Brexit. As it could have been done anytime during our membership. But all that is over now. So let’s burn some effigies of food with our last gallon of petrol and celebrate!”

To help people get in the mood for FUKTARD a warning klaxon will sound in the days leading up to it.

“Or that could just be Johnson simulating air raids as he’s run out of ideas to distract the public from his endless crisis in government,” the source explains. “We’re still nailing down the fine details of FUKTARD DAY, but you’re invited. Whether you like it or not. After all, the people have decided.”

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON appears currently to be missing in action as his country is overwhelmed by one crisis after another, caused by Boris Johnson. But a source inside 10 Downing Street says this is not so.

“Yes he is nowhere to be seen, that much is obvious,” acknowledges the Downing Street voice. “But that doesn’t mean he is idle. And he is not fitting out the emergency fridge with gold wallpaper, as some scurrilous reports suggest. He is hard at work in negotiations with the EU.”

The negotiations are said to revolve around the UK rejoining the Single Market on an “emergency basis” for three months. This will make saving Christmas easier and take care of other temporary teething problems being experienced by Brexit UK.

“The Home Secretary is supportive. She will get to round up and throw out EU workers again. It gets her giddy. Rishi Sunak has said ‘whatever man’ as he is currently having his hair styled for a Christmas calendar. The rest of the cabinet are also nodding along. That’s because they value staying in the cabinet above anything else. So it’s a cinch. We’re just going to explain to the EU they need us more than we need them and we’re back in.”

What the Commission thinks about this, or indeed EU member states individually is not important, because we’re British.

“We will need a bit of sleight of hand to pull it off though,” the source admits. “Most of the ongoing negotiations revolve around convincing the EU to rename the Single Market the Great British Single Market. This way we can pretend domestically that they have some asking us to rejoin. It’s pretty straight forward.”

And just in case you are wondering what Plan B is if this fails.

“This is no Plan B under the administration of Boris Johnson, or Major Crisis as we’ve nicknamed him indoors.”

KNIGHTS IN SHINING AUDIS: The cavalry is coming! Over the hill… across the channel… and straight into an endless queue to buy the last gallon of unleaded in the country.

A fleet of elegant, modern, continental vehicles rolled smoothly off the ferry, putting the English jalopies and Eastern European rejects to shame. Unfortunately they arrived on Great British roads. Almost immediately they were forced to follow an old boy in a 1960s Hillman Imp, weaving in and out of the lanes, making it impossible to pass. But there was a Union Jack sticker on the corroded chrome bumper, so that was all right.

Then there were the boy racers, zooming in and out of the traffic with no regard to the rules of the road, motor car safety, or bye-laws on noise management.

By the time that these classic British hazards had been negotiated, the little Woke ‘low fuel’ light was flashing, so the sleek limousines pulled into the nearest filling station.

Except that the queue was over a mile long, and the overhead signs read “No fuel at services”.

The drivers made a calculation in that rational way that only Germans deem necessary. There’s enough fuel left to make it back to the port, they decided. One swift U-Turn later, almost as swift as Boris Johnson caught in a disaster of his own making, and the Saviours of Britain were beating a hasty retreat. The snowflake Germans were jeered on their way by coughing, scurvy-riddled, patriotic peasants with most of their teeth missing.

In retreat, the Germans sent a message to the rump of British Command. We tried to rescue you and your economy, as promised, but British motorists and total lack of Unleaded thwarted the attempt. Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen pet.

The German car manufacturers have finally made it. They came, they saw, they went home as quickly as possible.