LCD Views

British rodents, most of whom have lived in our island nation since the end of the ice age, are preparing to leave the country en masse, should the UK fail to agree a post Brexit trade deal with the European Union.

“It’s a sad day – many of our member groups have been here since long before the first two legged vermin set foot on the island,” said Hammy Hamster, spokesman for “Rodentia”, the umbrella group representing disparate rodent species throughout the UK.

Standing outside Rodentia’s headquarters, on the riverbank, flanked by his assistants Squirrel Nutkin, Ratty the water vole and Mrs. Tittlemouse, Hamster explained that the difficult decision had been reached by a majority vote of all participating rodent chapters, following news of the imminent departures of Airbus Industries, BMW and the entire UK financial services sector.

“We hear constantly of ‘the best laid plans of mice and men’, but trust me this fuck up is entirely human,” he said explaining that Rodentia’s mice chapter knew which side their bread was buttered on.

“They’re sticking with cheeses…French cheeses. .hallelujah !,” he punned.

In fact, he explained support for the mass abandonment was close to unanimous.

“Our rat chapter was strongly in favour,” he said pointing out their long time symbiotic relationship with the bankers, brokers and commodity traders within the square mile of the city of London.

“Indeed, without them to measure ourselves by, what are we?” asked rat chapter head , Roland Rat, tipping back his cap and giving a wistful twitch of his whiskers.

Hamster conceded though that support from all chapters of Rodentia was not unanimous with the squirrel chapter irrevocably split between the smaller native red grouping who fully support Rodentia’s move, and the rival grey extremists who have never fully adapted to British rodent customs and who favour forming a new nut trading alliance with their  North American relatives.

“However it’s wrong to assume all immigrant species support subversive extremist groups,” explained Hamster pointing out that the entire population of European pet hamsters, British ones included, can trace their ancestry back to a single pair who migrated from Syria in 1930.

” Steve Jobs, Paul Anka…Bob Marley….hamsters. Syria isn’t all ISIS, civil war, and refugees ,” he added.

Responding to Rodentia’s warning, leading Brexit campaigner and life member of the BBC’s question time panel, Nigel Farage was typically dismissive.

“This is just another typical example of rats deserting a sinking ship,” he sneered, quickly correcting himself by pointing out that obviously as “any fule kno” – “the ship isn’t actually sinking, and if it is, it couldn’t possibly be my fault.…haha…”

Countering Farage’s criticism Hamster offered a scathing response.

“Frankly, my members are fed up with cheap speciesist hate speech of this nature. Perhaps in the past the odd rodent may have deserted a ship which was sinking – as would any sane creature – what do you think we are, lemmings?” he asked.

The Ministry of Health was in an ecstatic mood today as a study of the most recent Brexit possibilities promised to carve billions off the cost of treating obesity and type something diabetes by way of a new lean, mean Britain.

“It’s going to save the NHS a bistro of cash,” an aide to Health Secretary, and Forgetful Property Developer, Jeremy Hunt told LCD Views, “and these savings can be reinvested into luxury apartments.”

The savings are expected to be made soon after the United Kingdom crashes out of the European Union in March 2019.

”It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit,” the aide continued, “it’s a shame the British people in their much lauded wisdom didn’t see fit to gift Ms May an overwhelming majority at the June 2017 general election or we would have already crashed out and gotten all skinny.”

But the spoils are already being fought over in a cabinet fast gaining a reputation for squabbling like kids over a round chocolate ball, unaware it’s actually a turd coated Brussels sprout.

”Michael Gove is claiming the food shortages to come should be seen as his doing in charge of DEFRA, and the failure to ensure adequate food stocks ahread of Brexit, but that’s just a load of old cobblers, as Brexiters are most likely even now investing heavily in food commodities.

And anyway, he was always a Brexiter, whereas Jeremy Hunt has undergone a conversion on the back of realising how greedily hedge funds are going to tuck in.”

The DWP is set to enjoy the food frenzy too as proper British starvation promises to end the persistent problem of work shyness in the disabled and terminally ill.

”Once the middle classes are hungry and using their sharp elbows to outbid each other for tins of beans down at the food banks the lazy poor will have no choice but to get out and pick that fruit. It’s a right Brexit dividend.”

Runours that Weird Al Yankovic has been approached to record a celebratory charity version of his famous 80’s classic “Just Eat It” are yet to be confirmed.

“It’ll be great if he does,” the aide said, “he can record it at Abbey Road studios before Corbyn’s disaster socialists sweep to power on the back of the hunger, rioting and poverty they’ve abstained so hard for. Then we can nationalise both Abbey Road Studios and Weird Al and make him record ‘Where’s Jeremy Corbyn?’ for the B side.”

Remember kids! As we embrace the possibilities of Brexit with seamless imaginations a bad meal is better than no meal. Just eat it.

The latest edict to come from the Downing Street bunker has a familiar theme. The three wise Brexiteers are refusing to see, hear or say anything negative about Brexit.

See No Evil, also known as Jeremy C. Hunt, has been all over the media recently. Presented with the forecasts from business leaders, fearing an economic downturn, Hunt refused to see the point. “These ‘siren voices’ need to stop luring us onto the rocks,” he said. “Pay no attention to sirens. When air raid sirens sounded during the Blitz, did the plucky Brits rush like cowards into bunkers and the London Underground? Of course not! They stood defiantly in the streets and deflected the bombs by sheer force of the British Dunkirk Spirit!”

Hunt was also embarrassed, as yet another broadcaster mistook his middle initial for the first letter of his surname. “It’s Jeremy C. Hunt, not Jeremy C… well, you get the picture,” he moaned.

The mantle of Hear No Evil is worn by Jacob Rees-Mogg. Nothing negative about Brexit manages to permeate his eardrums. His frequent presence on the radio enables him to exercise this talent. Contradictions flow from the man like water from a tap. “Lowering taxes will help the economy grow!” he waffled recently. “This means everyone earns more, well everyone who matters anyway, so this means a higher tax take which means the NHS is safe in our hands! No, raising taxes is not an easier way to achieve this, it’s just plain wrong!”

His company’s recent relocation to Ireland – to the EU, in other words – suggests that Mr Rees-Mogg ain’t as deaf as he makes out.

Boris “I can’t believe he’s not been sacked yet!” Johnson completes the triumvirate. He will Speak No Evil about Brexit, but plenty of evil about everything else. He once promised to lie down in front of the bulldozers, like a slightly less credible Arthur Dent, to prevent Heathrow’s third runway being built. However, Boris managed to be in Afghanistan to avoid voting. The bullshitting bully dodged the bulldozer bullet in Kabul.

Mr Johnson’s unequivocal comment was “F*ck Heathrow!”

There remains a long-standing vacancy for the fourth wise Brexiteer, Do No Evil.

United International Pictures today announced the commencement of production on a brand new Carry On film, “Carry On Brexiteering”.

The film is to be produced by Jeremy Thomas, nephew of the late Gerald Thomas who directed all the original Carry On films, and is set in the corridors of power.

Mr Thomas made the following announcement in a press conference:

“Everybody knows the Carry On films, and I’ve just been itching to make one myself, to continue my uncle’s legacy, but I’ve just been waiting for the right farcical situation to come along. And then Brexit happened, which is more farcical than anything in the original Carry On films could ever dream of being, so I decided now was the time.”

The film is to feature Theresa May as Hattie Jacques, aka Matron, and Jacob Rees-Mogg as Kenneth Williams, who uttered the most quoted lines in the films, including “infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me!” and of course, “Ooh, Matron!”

The cast also includes Boris Johnson in the lecherous Sid James role, chasing after every bit of skirt he can find, while the strict, officious Charles Hawtrey is to be played by Nigel Farage.

A romantic sub-plot involving Jim Dale and Barbara Windsor is to be given to Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott, while the Joan Sims “battleaxe” character is to be played by Arlene Foster.

Finally, the “lusty and bombastic foreigner” role that was played by Bernard Bresslaw is to be handled here by Donald Trump.

Mr Thomas had this to say on the casting:

“I think everyone is just right for the parts they’re playing here. It’s one of those occasions when the script just writes itself to show off the cast’s abilities.”

Carry On Brexiteering is slated for release in March of next year. Asked to speculate on how well the film will do, Mr Thomas said:

“The thing about the Carry Ons is they’re like Marmite. You either love them or hate them. Which actually does fit in well with Brexit when you think about it, so I think we’ve got a good chance.”

If people can still afford to go to the cinema when it premieres, then yes, I think they will have a very good chance indeed.