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Dear Japan, please help me do my job because I’m not doing it well enough, says Liam Fox

Wily old Liam Fox, acting Trade Secretary, has appealed to Japan to back whatever passes this week as Britain’s Brexit vision. Our dog-eared friend is hoping that the Japanese will apply the pressure on the EU which he is incapable of applying himself.

The Basil Brush of UK politics is threatening a no deal Brexit as a consequence of non-compliance. A threat as empty as his political capital account. Boom, boom!

Boom, bust? The UK economy is teetering on the edge of a cliff, and Japan is indifferent. Pragmatic as ever, the Japanese have signed an alternative deal with the EU, leaving Fox in a hole.

International trade expert Mae Kadeal was not optimistic. “Fox is in cloud cuckoo land,” she asserted. “For one thing, he overestimates Japan’s influence over the EU. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got them mixed up with the Chinese. As Jeremy C. Hunt says, they all look the same, don’t they?”

Kadeal also believes Fox is barking up the wrong tree. The vulpine one, she says, ought to be sniffing Donald Trump’s bottom instead, and maintaining the special relationship. Butter up, and prepare for a good shafting.

Fox, she believes, regards himself as Reynardine, the werefox. Reynardine seduces unsuspecting innocents and lures them to their doom. Japan is merely the latest damsel in disbelief.

“His technique is simple,” Kadeal disclosed. “He bounces around with those big puppy-dog eyes, then chases any stick you care to throw. He will lift his leg almost too often, but ultimately he just wants lots of love and fuss. He’s a great big sheep in wolf’s clothing.”

Making Brexit deals had out-foxed Fox. He is cunning like one of Baldrick’s plans. Brexit has put a fox in charge of the hen-house, although ironically Fox is one of the chickens.

Looks like we are all in the doghouse.

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Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to leave UK in event of “no deal” Brexit

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have warned that they may be forced to depart the UK, if the government fails to secure a Brexit deal with the European Union.

The four equestrian harbingers of doom last night swooped down unnoticed on Downing Street and nailed their warning, written in blood on human vellum, to the door of Number 10, from where it was retrieved by trembling civil servants and delivered to an ashen faced  Theresa May.

A copy of the warning faxed to the media explained that the four, PESTILENCE, WAR, FAMINE and DEATH had become increasingly worried that their ability to engage in apocalyptic activities would be severely compromised if they lost the freedom of movement they have enjoyed with the UK as a member of the European Union.

As such they explained that they had been actively considering a move to Cologne, which having been all but destroyed in the second world war and rebuilt entirely in concrete, is, in terms of sheer unadulterated grimness, the closest they could find to Sunderland.

“However we finally plumped for the Dordogne, to be close to some of our long time Conservative friends like former Chancellor Lord Lawson,” explained WAR, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views.

WAR explained that their departure was likely to be accomplished in stages; in part due to the need to secure adequate stabling for the horses, but also to  allow for them to optimise their remaining UK based operations.

“Given the anticipation of food and medicine shortages, FAMINE and PESTILENCE will be remaining in situ long enough to take advantage of what are clearly golden opportunities, for our respective sectors,” he said explaining that the possibility of the outbreak of civil war means that he too may be obliged to stick around.

“Frankly I’d be daft not to, especially with country about to be flooded with downloadable plastic guns” he smirked, adding that despite what most people would expect however, DEATH would be leaving the UK at the first available opportunity.

“If those LEAVE voting gammon faced idiots thought they could escape the seven circles of living hell that will be post-Brexit Britain, by falling off their respective perches, shuffling off their mortal coil, popping their cloggs, kicking the bucket, or joining the choir invisible, they’d better think again – they’ll be suffering BREXIT for ALL eternity,” he cackled.

 

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British citizenship abolished as “anything that complicated can’t be democratic”

Downing Street made the announcement today. Unable to decide the status of EU citizens residing in the UK, or UK citizens residing in the EU, the government has instead simply decided to abolish citizenship completely.

“It’s too complicated an issue for my pretty little head,” tweeted media whore and neocon apologist Chloe Westley. “If you need to be an expert to understand it, then it can’t be very democratic.”

Westley is well known for her provocative tweets and frequent television appearances. Being young, unelected and Australian, she fits the profile of a loyal, democratic Brit perfectly.

Westley works for the Tax Payers’ Alliance, one of about a dozen so-called “think tanks” based coincidentally in the same property. Equally coincidental is the fact that these “think tanks” all promote a hard-right agenda. Chloe’s job is to draw the rage of the sensible, intelligent enemies of the state, who think that Brexit is a humungous pile of poo.

These “think tanks” have a disproportionate effect upon government policy. They are transparently funded by dark money to achieve shadowy ends. Ignore them and they squeam and squeam and squeam until the government is sick of them and adapts its policy accordingly. Chloe is like a squeamish Brexiter’s wet dream.

Subverting democracy is simple, which therefore makes it democratic.

Ditto abolishing British citizenship.

“I’m surprised this hasn’t occurred to us sooner, to be honest,” said Downing Street rent-a-gobshite Tom Foolery. “The idea is such a simple one. All men are equal! It’s democratic because it treats everyone, regardless of their origin or home, in the same way.”

The European Commission defines active citizenship as ‘Participation in civil society, community and/or political life’. “Which is why we have to get rid of it!” claims Foolery. “It comes from Europe. EU bad, UK good.”

And the 66m stateless ex-citizens? “Democracy was decided, once and for all, at the referendum,” repled Foolery. “Democracy is a return to feudal values and Merrie England. Democracy is a matter of simple obedience. Democracy is working all the hours God sends to put food on your overlord’s table. You had a vote, now shut up and accept the consequences!”

It’s that simple. Democracy is what we tell you it is.

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Liam Fox hired as frequent flier feature writer by TripAdvisor

Great news for fact hungry business and first class fliers today with the announcement that Liam Fox MP has been hired as the new frequent flier feature writer by TripAdvisor.

”It’s wonderful to see Liam get his own platform in the digital world,” an aide to the business guru Fox told LCD Views, “and here I was thinking he wasn’t even up to the job of being a shoehorn for someone putting on flip flops. Shows what I know!”

While the nitty gritty of the deal between Liam and the famous website are being kept curtained, it’s no doubt it will be a profitable one with the International Business Secretary turning his famed deal making prowess to feathering his own nest.

”I suspect there will be a lot of advice on how to correctly store your air miles,” the aide beamed, “under your mattress or offshore in a dark money tax haven, a piggy bank in your bedroom or even possibly as a kickback for an arms deal? I don’t know. I’m just guessing. It’s unlikely someone who’s only been forced to reign once for misconduct in a public office would have anything but above the board advice.”

As part of a taster for the new column Liam is expected to write about his highly successful trip to Japan this week to ask the Japanese to work against their own interests by begging the EU to undermine its own interests to help out Liam and his chums asset strip the U.K.”

If Liam can convince the Japanese to self harm to help the U.K. there’s no telling what he’ll do next.

We look forward to syndicating the column in the interests of all our many readers who have attained high office and are using it to do sod all but swan about the world in a plane, sipping champagne at public expense with aero expectation of a usable outcome at the other end.

”There is no telling what Liam will do next,” the aide agreed, “he doesn’t even know. He hasn’t got a clue.”

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Conservative Party membership surges past 10M after everyone told to “f*ck off and join the Tories then” by a Momentum activist does

The Conservative Party became the newest left of centre political party in the U.K. today, and the largest, as their membership topped 10 million after everyone told to “fuck off and join the Tories then” by a Momentum activist did.

”We expect to top twenty million by the end of the day,” Phillip Davies, MP for not protecting his constituency but favouring chipboard thinking, told LCD Views.

We spoke to Phillip during a tour of a timber mill, where he was shopping for a new head.

”I don’t mind telling you the 1922 committee is in absolute meltdown. There’s pressure to change our entire policy platform and rename the committee the 2018 committee. It’s blood curdling. If we can’t get a handle on events we will end up being the party that stops Brexit. Our soul will burn and we’ll just be ash.”

It seems the boost is solely down to the unique campaigning style of diehard supporters of Jeremy Corbyn.

”They’ve been advising anyone who raises a concern over the screaming disconnect in the thinking of a politician who claims to be a social democrat, but supports the worst hard right agenda currently going, to join us for the last couple of years. And people are, seeing no other way out. It’s horrible. They’re coming in such numbers they’ll change all our policies. How will rail privatisation succeed now?

”We’re suppose to be a nasty little clique who redirects the anger of the people we exploit. But now. I’m trembling.”

Corbyn supporters themselves were enraged by the unfolding events too.

”See! Yellow Tory Blairite backstabbing scum! When we screamed fuck off and join the Tories we thought they’d flock to us,

“You can’t trust these neocon stooges and their determination to resist the asset stripping of the U.K. by resisting the fascist agenda of Brexit. They’re supposed to drive Brexit forward with us, ruin the lives of tens of millions of people, so we get a revolution that will make anyone left alive after join hands in solidarity and red lentils,

“We should have deselected the Blairite MPs much earlier. Having scores less MPs wouldn’t have weakened us as those constituencies would have voted for whichever pure Corbyn fan we put forward for them. It’s just so obvious.”

Quite how Corbyn and his activists ever expected to gain power by alienating millions and millions of centre and left of centre voters is still unclear, by ignoring and/or supporting Brexit, but now it seems completely unobtainable.

”Which is just how we want it,” one told us on the quiet, “that way we can forever infight until we achieve purity. And we get to stay victims. We don’t understand power. Not a bit of it. It’s how we like it.”

Quite how the U.K. seems so far up shit creek without a paddle to this point, is anyone’s guess.

”It’s nothing to do with the leaders of both main political parties having committed to a brazen lie for ideological ends,” Davies clarified, “now, if you wouldn’t mind? I’d like a few kilograms of that oak stump for a head.”

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Lorry drivers will be happy with 13 mile tailbacks on the M20 because the British love queueing

This explanation came during an interview on BBC Radio 4’s Propaganda Today programme. John Humphrys interviewed a junior transport minister.

“What does the government say about the potential 13 mile tailbacks on the M20?” asked Humphrys. “We speak to junior transport minister, Chelsea Tractor. Good morning!”

“Good morning, Sir John!” simpered Tractor. “I’m so excited, everyone else has gone on holiday and left little me in charge!”

“Sir John? I don’t think so!” he replied.

“Just wait for the New Years’ Honours list to come out,” cooed Tractor. “You might just have a little surprise!”

You could almost feel her fluttering her eyelashes.

“Err, well, yes, I suppose it’s possible,” stammered Humphrys, caught momentarily off guard. “But we are here to talk about transport policy!”

“Oooh, I do love it when you’re forceful!” she twittered. “Go on, do the hard stare with the little twinkle!”

There was a slight pause, then they both burst into fits of giggles.

“OK,” he sighed, recovering his poise. “Now tell me why you think 13 mile tailbacks on the M20 are such a good thing.”

“It’s quite simple, John darling,” purred Tractor. “The British love queueing, and the tailback on the M20 will be a queue to die for!”

“But what about the drivers stuck in their cabs?” he asked.

“They will love it!” she whispered. “They work so hard, a bit of rest will be their reward. They can relax, talk on those CB radio thingies like in the movies, and have a bit of a nap.”

“And it they lose their place in the queue as a result?”

“Snooze you lose.”

“And are you not concerned,” he persisted, “about the noise, the pollution, the waste? This is the Garden of England! Surely this is a disgrace in the twenty-first century?”

“Hush, John, hush,” she said soothingly. “Just remember – the people had a vote. The people had a vote.”

“Yes. The people had a vote,” he repeated, calming down. “The people had a vote. All is well. Chelsea Tractor, thank you.”

The people had a vote. Nothing to see here. The people had a vote.

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Government orders RAF to recruit and train kamikaze pilots

News from the Department of Defence today as small time bully and full time felt made man Gavin Williamson has ordered the RAF to recruit and train a squadron of kamikaze pilots to make a success of Brexit negotiations.

The pilots will have extensive training in going high into the sky before crashing down into the ground, hopefully in Brussels.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson repeatedly told us, as he screwed up his mouth and attempted to glue a wing onto a model Spitfire,

“I’m certain the height we’ll reach will contravene numerous busy body nanny state EU regulations. Especially as we’ll be flying in special, modified Euro derivatives without CE labels. It’ll drive Merkel insane.”

The strategy behind the special squadron is an exact mirror of the current U.K. government’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson clarified again, wing now stuck to his fingers and not the fuselage of the model.

It’s felt that once Brussels learns we are prepared to destroy ourselves just to harm them a bit they will back down and give us everything we are demanding.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson added, attempting to pull the wing off his fingers with his lips, but only succeeding in gluing his lips to his fingers, which remained glued to the wing.

Brussels will be warned that if they don’t realise we hold all the cards in time to prevent a No Deal Brexit devastating life in the U.K. then they’re for it.

Williamson was unable to add further comment, as he tried to apply solvent to the mess he’d created at his mouth, but accidentally picked up the superglue again and squirted it across the lot, thus succeeding only in rendering himself speechless.

”It’s just as well,” a military observer observed, “it’ll save Brussels the effort of telling him to shut up and go away. And remember as you crash into the ground and burn, the whole country is behind you.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes elegant solution to post-Brexit unemployment and fuel shortages

Jacob Rees-Mogg has come up trumps again. In the face of fears over loss of employment and fuel embargoes, His Mogginess has found a remarkable answer.

“These worries aren’t Project Fear, they are Project Opportunity! he crowed. “I have a solution which is as elegant as my Sunday attire. Each faithful Brexiter will be able to employ four stout yeomen. He will pay them using his Brexit Dividend. These yeomen will cheerfully transport the faithful Brexiter to wherever he needs to be.”

They will still need to be fed and watered, though.

“Naturally,” replied Moggy, cattily. “With all the crops being unharvested, due to the regrettable shortage of diesel and prohibition of immigrant workers, one of the four yeomen will be despatched to the fields to forage. The remaining three can bear his share of the burden, and rejoice!”

Rees-Mogg had another ace up his immaculately tailored sleeve. “Naturally, we will also see a renaissance in traditional craftsmen,” he claimed. “For example, woodworkers. Carpenters. Cartwrights and wheelwrights. Constructing traditional litters and carriages!”

What about distribution of imports? Assuming there will be any.

“A lorry has, what, twenty horsepower?” Jacob floundered. “That means, twenty faithful serfs with a horse and cart can be sent to Dover to bring home his Master’s share of the goods. The horses can graze the 13 miles of hard shoulder along the M20, and the manure can be collected and sold!”

So much for the disenfranchised menfolk. What about the women?

“The women will do what women have always done,” replied Rees-Mogg, sighing with relief, on firmer ground now. “They will stay at home, create delicious meals using only grass and mud, and die gratefully in childbirth.”

So the wheel of fortune turns. What goes around comes around. The non-industrial revolution is almost upon us. We got our feudalism back. God bless you M’Lord.

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Jeremy Hunt to undergo exorcism after confirmation of possession by Boris Johnson

The current Foreign Secretary, Jeremy Hunt, is to undergo an exorcism later today after confirmation of his possession by the disgraced Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson.

”We were immediately suspicious when Boris Johnson announced he was resigning as Foreign (to the truth) Secretary,” Brexorcist Re Ality told LCD Views, “it seemed more like something the devil would do. That being a devilish trick. Pretend to resign, but actually stay in office in spirit form waiting to possess the next encumbant. This is because the Boris Johnson body is now recognised as a total laughing stock. Whereas the new form was just a laughing stock.”

But suspicions were raised soon after Jeremy Hunt begin his official duties when he failed to recognise his wife while on a taxpayer funded trip to beg the Chinese for money.

”Boris doesn’t know who his wife is,” the brexorcist said, “which is why he has a history of thinking other women are his wife and acting accordingly.”

The gaffe by Mr Hunt was an exact match to the behaviour of Boris Johnson in another way too.

”Can anyone think of an act by Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary that didn’t embarrass the U.K.?”

No. It was one long disasterous cringe.

“Mr Hunt is determined to carry on this way because he is almost certainly posssssed by Mr Johnson.”

Are there any other signs?

”Yes. He’s gone to Europe and made an idiot of himself attempting to threaten the Germans and French. And now at Conference he’s gone full Boris.”

Anything else?

”He’s been witnessed walking like a crab.”

More?

”His weird eyes are swivelling and he keeps demanding cake. Oh, and he’s dying his hair blonde and refusing to comb it.”

Next he’ll be taking up cycling.

”Can you imagine the terror on the streets?”

So what’s to be done?

”We’re going to strap him to a bed and hit him over the head with a fat old bible flown in from the Vatican especially until Boris Johnson leaves his body in a spray of green projectile vomit.”

And what happens after?

”Then Jeremy Hunt will be our Foreign Secretary.”

And this will be better how?

”Bugger.”

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NHS declared fit for Brexit as pieces of good biting wood stockpiled to replace painkillers

The government declared the teetering NHS fit for Brexit today as plans were revealed to stockpile pieces of wood in advance of any Brexit.

The wood will be supplied by the head of David Davis after application of a chisel, and also the mass purchase of recently redundant Swedish forests, made available by forces that have no link whatsoever with global warming.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views, recently upcycled plank Matt Hand-Cock MP gave details of the reassuring measures.

”We’re measuring the pieces of wood in inches,” Hand-Cock said, his hands under the table for the entirety of the interview, “and we’re bringing traditional pain relief back to the National Health Service, which I don’t mind saying lost its way under the last Labour government.”

It’s unclear if the pieces of wood will be single or multi-use.

”Definitely multi-use,” Matt Hand-Cock interrupted, “that’s one of the benefits of Brexit. The burning of the pernicious, nanny state red tape that stopped people contracting easily preventable diseases. That was no good. Immune systems need to stay in training, just like athletes.”

The pieces of wood will be multi-use, the Department for Health has very recently clarified, which will lead to the sort of cost savings that could buy say, seven luxury flats to forget about.

”And furthermore, people won’t even need to visit a pharmacy for pain relief after this measure comes into play,” Matt Hand-Cock said. “all they will need to do is search their local woods for suitable timber and then you can even amputate that post Brexit, pus filled, diabetes ravaged limb in the comfort of your own home.”

The navy is said to be especially excited, as endless cuts to defence have left them wondering how they’re supposed to supply all those shiny new boats.

”Not having to buy painkillers for the ship surgery is a total boon of Brexit,” said an admiral speaking from the early 19th century, where Brexiters live.

Medical groups have voiced some concerns over the measures, but as Gove would say, the people have had enough of experts.

”Just mind the splinters,” Hand-Cock advised, “as there won’t be anymore dentists. Now get ready to embrace the feeling of woody sovereignty that will come with Brexit.”