LCD Views

Rumours Northern Ireland had taken the crown off Belgium for longest time without a government were put paid to today  by a representative of the Guinness Book of World Records.

”As still a constituent part of the United Kingdom, for the time being,” Mrs Stout said, “Northern Ireland can not independently qualify to knock Belgium off the top spot.”

The reasoning is because the U.K. now wears the crown for longest period without governance.

”Arguably the government of the United Kingdom ceased to operate in any recognisable form on the 24th June 2016,” Mrs Stout explained,

“and definitely ceased to have a government the moment a basic AI system, still in the beta test phase, was elevated to the position of prime minister,

”We know what happened after that. Chris Grayling remained a minister. Liam Fox and David Davis were given their own ministries. Well, governance was over. Packets of mince, crooks and pieces of lumber don’t run countries, except into the ground of course.”

The acknowledgement of the UK’s world beating status in this coveted area has caused celebration in the ranks of influential politicians who are not governing anything either.

”This is precisely what Brexit is about,” Nigel Farage celebrated the gong, broadcasting his daily radio show, Nazis Today, “just imagine how we can build on this if Steve Bannon becomes PM? I mean, Boris Johnson.”

The official opposition were asked for comment on the record too,

”This just shows the vicious bias in the mainstream media,” a spokesman for retired intellectual and jam maker, JC, told us, “not one mention that with our current party leadership, who back Brexit just like the Tories, we have got the double,

”This is also the longest period in peace time for a democracy to go without both a functioning government and a functioning official opposition party.”

Credit where credit is due, across the political spectrum. U.K. take a bow, you’ve got a double.

Disgraced former rear of the year Boris Johnson made the plea in the wake of his controversial comments in the Telegraph. His party has threatened to withdraw the whip, and he’s not best pleased. As usual, the buxom blond had made a massive arse of himself.

The potential PM’s private peccadillo has been revealed. In common with many posh ex-public schoolboys, the bumbling bombshell gets off on flagellation.

A friend of Johnson’s spoke to LCD Views on condition of anonymity, so let’s call him ‘Michael Gove’.

“Boris and I are members of an exclusive club,” oozed ‘Gove’. “We enjoy, erm, unusual stimuli. Asphyxiation and flagellation, don’t you know. The public thinks it’s just another think tank, called Hang ‘Em And Flog ‘Em.

“That’s right!” agreed ‘Gove’’s friend, who gave his name as ‘Alex de Pfeffel’. “I’m always in the Miss Whiplash Room. There’s this one young filly, name of Saffiyya, lovely girl, never says a word but my goodness can she handle a cat o’ nine tails! She comes in, wearing full letterbox burqa, all you can see is the twinkle in her eyes. You never know quite what she is going to do. It’s very exciting! I’m all of a fibblefabble just thinking about it!”

“That’s why he… I mean, Mr Johnson, wants to ban it,” explained ‘Gove’. “It’s unstatesmanlike to get incoherently aroused whenever you encounter a Muslim lady.”

Johnson’s reputation as a lecherous tart goes before him. As ‘Gove’ delicately puts it, “Boris has his, erm, Johnson in many, erm, pies.”

As Foreign Secretary, Johnson was able to circle the globe in the cause of diplomacy and, erm, pies. “Foreign Sec!” he is reported to have said. “Almost as good as British sex!”

But withdrawing the whip may have unforeseen consequences. “I don’t think Mr Johnson knows what withdrawal means,” remarks his long-suffering personal physician Tigham Together. “Once in place, he stays in place until the job is done.”

Dr Together denied rumours that Johnson has a girl, with several improbably blonde children, in every port. “It’s my job to make sure he keeps his nose clean,” be claims. “No more diplomatic cock-ups, I tell him, every time. Protect yourself from the consequences of your actions!”

And if the whip is withdrawn?

“Mr Johnson will have to apply his considerable energy to another project,” replied Dr Together. “He is threatening to go into full time mainstream politics!”

Meanwhile ‘de Pfeffel’ and ’Gove’ emerged from Hang ‘Em And Flog ‘Em, shaken and very much stirred. “We know when we are beaten!” quipped ‘de Pfeffel’. “Now let’s get some drugs and come back for another round! Our friend Steve Bann…”

“Mr Bigballs,” interrupted ‘Gove’.

“Yes, Mr Bigballs does some seriously good shit,” confirmed ‘de Pfeffel’. “Don’t put that in your article!”

The mere thought had not even begun to consider the possibility of crossing my mind.

The Conservatives confirmed this afternoon that they were organising a straw drawing competition amongst their MPs to see who will have the honour of running stark naked across College Green.

”This is off the record,” an aide to Theresa May told LCD Views, “but it is to stop people talking about Brexit.”

We are unclear why they would be looking to cause a major distraction of this nature, given that even today trading on WTO rules will apparently make the U.K. fabulously wealthy, which is why the rest of the world already does it.

”Or talking about anything we’ve done in office really,” the aide added, “no one. No one at all knew that privatising the probation service would be a disaster. Or privatising the alcohol and drug rehab service. Or privatising Brexit. Or privatising the forensic service. What we failed to do was introduce enough competition into forensics, I think, oh and into shouting at drunks to pull themselves together.”

The straw drawing will take place this evening with crayon and paper supplied to all the MPs.

”Gove is going to draw a single use straw, I can just feel it,” the aide smiled, “Davis will draw a burger, uncooked, to show how clever he is. Nadine Dorries will wait to see what Boris draws and then just do the same but madly exaggerated.”

What do you think the Prime Minister will draw?

”Boos and hisses whenever she shows her face in public, most likely.”

No. For the competition?

”Oh, probably a rainbow. But one that is just a pure white rainbow. That’s how she thinks they all should be.”

And when will the streaking on College Green take place?

”The moment the fuss Boris has caused over the burka fizzles out, of course. We simply can’t let the media focus on what we’re actually doing. It would be a disaster.”

It already is.

”Yes, but so long as no one says it, then we can pretend it isn’t really so until we all tumble screaming into the abyss and a few Tories get a hell of a lot richer.”

What if the streaking doesn’t work?

”Then Boris will stage a book burning.”

The Official Monster Raving Looney Party has rejected calls from its grassroots supporter to appoint Boris Johnson as its new leader in place of current leader Alan “Howling Laud” Hope.

Party spokesman “Baying Baronet Bunsen”, confirmed that the suggestion had been put to the party steering committee over a round of frothing nut brown ales but had eventually been rejected. Albeit after several more rounds, with chasers. And some tabs.

“We appreciate that Boris is genuinely raving, and demonstrably both a monster and loony, but we are at heart a democratic party and could not accept a leader who is larger than the party itself,” he explained, pointing out that with current membership standing at only nine, Boris would need to go on a crash diet before he could even be considered.

Even then he explained, Johnson’s political record would count against him.

“People seem to have forgotten that the chosen role of the OMRLP is to satirise mainstream politics by promoting policies which may be populist but are also clearly the product of warped and troubled minds, and are not in any way shape or form supposed to be implemented,” he said.

“Boris buses…shrubbery bridges…f*ck business…burka bank robbers…all admirably deranged policies and sentiments in their own right, but he is an actual elected politician, and as such his monstrous lunacy has been “unofficial”, and thus in direct competition with OMRLP,” he explained.

“If Boris is genuinely serious about being an Official Monster Raving Loony, we call on him to prove his worth by emulating our glorious founder and long time party leader, Screaming Lord Sutch,” he said, neglecting to mention that the 41-times-a-candidate-never-elected, Lord Sutch hanged himself in 1999.

“He set an example that every deranged overweight, ego-driven wannabe despot would do well to follow….And we’d be more happy to supply the rope,” he smirked.

LCD Views has been hearing this afternoon from StayDadSit, a think tank opaquely funded to promote the interests of stay at home dads, and heard how they are “really relieved it’s only women who will be have to stop work to care for elderly relatives”.

The relief is especially great for fathers whose children have now reached school age.

“When I agreed to stop my own paid work and care for our children, so my wife could continue with her career,” CEO of StayDadSit, Mr Mum, told us, “I was actually bricking it that it would eventually lead to me not having any substantial career beyond homemaking due to the interruption in my paid working life, and how I would psychologically deal with that, but I figured it was worth the cost in the interests of my wife, gender equality and our children. Still…”

Still what?

“On top of that anxiety, and all the conversations I would inevitably have with other men, and some women, wherein I would hear ‘oh, so you don’t work then’, when I said I was a stay at home dad, I was really completely terrified that I may find myself then moving seamlessly from caring for our children to caring for our ageing parents. I mean, this is a modern, western country in the 21st century, who the hell does that? We’ve outsourced that offshore along with ownership of the water utilities.”

So the announcement from the Department of Health that only women would be compelled to care for elderly relatives was a great relief?

“A welcome relief. It’s pretty much turned me into a Brexiter, and I was dead against Brexit till today. I see it as a fascist project, essentially the return of the Nazi’s and I hold both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn in complete and utter contempt for their support of Brexit,

“But it never occurred to me a tangible benefit of living under a fascist regime would be the end of EU worker migration leading to a social care crisis, leading to my wife having to throw in her career at its pinnacle, to take her mum shopping for groceries. Oh and to the GPs.”

StayDadSit added later, this move brings us a step closer to proper equality and the end of the sexual revolution.

“It wasn’t that good anyway, there was hardly any sex. We will be thanking the Tory party personally and its, definitely not misogynist policy dreamers and many forward thinkers for the various ways they are determined to return the UK to the 1950’s.”