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ERG propose minimal medieval walls to solve Irish Border problem

Famous mental laxative manufacturers, ERG, have thrown themselves into the swirling maelstrom of shit that passes for U.K. politics nowadays with a nifty proposal to solve the Irish Border problem.

”With just six hundred miles of winding and turreted walls, built in the Norman fashion that has done so much to boost tourism across the Irish Sea in Wales, we can neatly solve the problem of the Irish Border which has long vexed the European Union with its complexity [but remains impressively easy to solve for British Brexit MPs].”

The walls, to be built of stone made from newly constructed border housing, now marked for demolition, will also have tunnels to let the water flow through.

”Whatever direction the water flows on that island, be it north to south, south to north, west to east or up to down, boating will not be inhibited. In fact we suggest tourist day tours, with relevant immigration checks, will be a boon to the population of the area and easily replace any income lost to farming once a great big wall unnecessary wall appears on the landscape.”

The ERG suggest building of the wall should begin immediately,

”as we intend to do our utmost to crash the U.K. out of the EU in order to maximise the profit from the shorting of the pound that so many of our colleagues are betting on.”

Quite what the people of Northern Ireland or the Republic will make of the proposal was addressed also.

”We are the ERG. We don’t give a fig. You will be assimilated. And anyway, if we start letting one former colony dictate British foreign policy that’s hardly a good foundation for when we lay down the terms to India for the return of the Raj, after our successful Brexit leaves us free once more to trade with the world.”

As a final point the ERG added,

”Everyone is so damned up in arms about our suggestions to use new technology to police what was once an invisible border that enabled a fragile peace, we presume they’ll be just chuffed with the idea of using old, tried and tested wall technology.”

It’s expected the BBC will later report this development with the headline ‘ERG triumphs as Irish Border problem solved by ERG’.

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Nigel Farage teaches John McDonnell to lie down and roll over

In the grim and scat covered halls of UKIP HQ peals of laughter were heard ringing out today as one of the men who would be king, John McDonnell, confirmed that the first Labour job to go in Labour’s jobs first Brexit is the job of fighting UKIP, and more generally, in reality if that’s his position, the hard right, given Brexit is all about a win for the hard right.

Speaking to the press John McDonnell said that Labour will go along with the broken sewer wall of Brexit, the loosed contents of which are currently flooding every home and street, because not to let the hard right win this one would only encourage the hard right.

This is apparently supposed to be logical, as the hard right are well known, indeed famous, for subsiding once they have gained a foothold in a country’s politics.

”It’s perverse I can tell you,” a long suffering political psychologist commented exclusively to LCD Views,

“the left has a proud tradition of combating the nasty right. Rightfully proud of combatting the right. But apparently when it comes to Brexit, in spite of the racism in the campaign, the proven illegalities, the clear risk to millions of jobs and livelihoods from Brexit, the obvious danger of break up of the U.K., the total absence of any plan, the broken promises, the U.K. now being a vulnerable laughing stock, the potential to use opposition to Brexit to tear out May’s toxic and inhuman government, the fact we’re isolating ourselves and staking ourselves out as a lamb amongst the wolves of international statecraft, the fact Brexit Tories are betting on the pound crashing to enrich themselves even more, none of this matters because John McDonnell is worried Nigel Farage might nick a few Labour votes again by banging his racist drum? What the actual?”

Given Labour’s recent farcical infighting over a canine metaphor, it’s with a deep sense of tiredness and disdain that we are moved to say when it comes to fascist Farage, and old dog McDonnell, it seems Nigel really can teach an old dog a new trick, that of lie down and roll over.

Either that or McDonnell wants the Tories to trash the country so he can stride over a nation of broken eggs to glory?

Because for whatever reason the old dogs running Labour are supporting Brexit, it’s clear as fuck now it’s not out of respect for democratic legitimacy of a gerrymandered, illegally financed, foreign influenced, lie fuelled opinion poll masquerading as a mandate for complete and total change.

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UK brewers stockpiling malt and hops against post Brexit beer drought

Major UK brewers have begun stockpiling malt and hops against an anticipated post Brexit shortage industry sources have confirmed.

Industry insiders have confirmed that the UK’s five biggest brewers; Molson Coors AB InBev, Heineken and Carlsberg, which together produce around 75% of the beer consumed in the UK have been importing considerably more malt and hops than normal, anticipating post Brexit shortages due to increased border checks as the UK switches to trading under WTA rules.

“At one time the UK produced all the malt and hops it needed to meet local demand but changing markets and tastes mean we now import the bulk of both products from Europe,” explains beverage market analyst Mitchell N. Butler, warning that even stockpiling may be insufficient to prevent a “beer drought”.

“Bulk buying by the big boys of brewing has caused prices to soar which is forcing many craft brewers out of business,” he added explaining that stockpiling is risky as malt deteriorates over time affecting the taste of the product.

“As it becomes impossible for the big brewers to maintain the distinctive flavours of their flagship lagers, we expect them to re-launch traditional keg beers such as Whitbread Trophy and Watney’s Red barrel, for which quality isn’t an issue,” he added.

A move likely to give real ale aficionados a heart attack, but a return to traditional brewing practices appears to be a very distant proposition.

“The traditional malting houses have all been converted into restaurants or flats and the once famous Kent hop fields are more likely to be growing quinoa or naga peppers,” explains Burdon Firkin of real ale pressure group CAMRA, pointing out that a return to traditional hop growing is also unlikely following the post Brexit ban on cheap farm labour from the EU.

On that issue though, there may be a solution, with Lord Tim Widdershins – recently ennobled for his services to Brexitry, pointing to the innovative employment contracts introduced by his Widdershins pub chain earlier this year.

“Replacing zero hours contracts with slavery has been a huge success and could be rolled out to the hop sector through the reintroduction of indentured agricultural labour,” he explained, adding that he had already identified a cheap source of electric cattle prods in North Korea.

“That’ll keep us competitive with those b*stards in Europe,” he smirked.

 

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Shock study reveals every Brexiter’s birth certificate gives DOB as yesterday

Town halls across the U.K. are faced with an escalating cash crisis completely down to the necessity of constantly re-issuing each Brexit supporting voter’s birth certificate on a daily basis.

”It’s a good thing support for this far right takeover of our country is slowly and steadily waning, well, everywhere but Labour HQ,” register of births, deaths and marriages at Buck-on-Trend told LCD Views, “we’ve already pushed bin collections back to biannual events to save money and we’re in danger of cancelling them altogether.”

It seems the reason for the never ending re-issuing, and corresponding exhaustion of resources, already strained worse than the famous words “strong and stable”, is the requirement to daily update individual Brexit voter’s date of birthday to yesterday.

”They were all born yesterday,” the register shrugged, “even the over 65’s. Every morning when they wake up still believing in the best Brexit deal possible and take back control and jobs first Brexit, and all the other bollocks Brexit politicians say to further their own ideological aims, the Brexit backing voter is reborn anew. Clearly still knowing about as much as a newborn.”

It is hoped the gradual filtering through to the general public at large of the nightmare ahead will swing enough voters against Brexit in the coming weeks and alleviate the budget strain.

”If it doesn’t happen we’re going to have to stop registering births altogether. But that would have the side benefit of easing housing shortages at least.”

Anyone seeking further confirmation of the date of birth of a Brexit voter is asked to just wait patiently and see how quickly they soil themselves when the housing market adjusts itself to the exciting possibilities presented by Brexit in 2019.

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HMG to bring back transportation to Australia for stealing bread after Brexit

Fears of a post Brexit crime wave centred on food increased today after Her Majesty’s Government reluctantly confirmed theft of bread, and other food, will lead to transportation to the colonies again, after Brexit.

The encouraging revelation is thanks to a FOI request by LCD Views regarding proposed changes to criminal law, due to come into force as we make a success of Brexit.

”It’s expected all and every Gregg’s will be a crime scene,” a minister at the Home Office confirmed, “we are encouraging Greggs, and other bakeries, to boost their security prior to March 29th 2019, October 31st 2019 and January 31st 2020.”

Nicking a sausage roll will get you sent down and sent down under again?

”Not just sausage rolls. A loaf will be seven years hard labour. A Bakewell tart could mean life. Although stealing, but not consuming, a vegan sausage roll will get you a medal.”

It’s expected the return of unbelievably harsh sanctions, with corporal punishment, are the brain child of Iain Duncan Smith, best known for his deep and sympathetic understanding of the psychology of the criminal classes ie, anyone who’s not rich.

But what about white collar crime? What if ministers in HMG are found to have been colluding with hedge fund owners to crash the pound?

“What about it?”

Fair enough.

As to what Australia thinks about this proposal is anyone’s guess, as the Australian government has thus far remained tight lipped.

”They’re too busy playing musical chairs with their prime ministers to worry if we establish a penal colony on Rottnest Island, or even Cockatoo Island.  And besides, there is no conceivable way those convicts would want to spoil the chance of agreeing a free and comprehensive free trade deal with the U.K. I expect they’ll offer to build the new gaols required themselves.”

As to the possibility of return and redemption after the seven years is served, the minister has this to say,

”From Australia back to Brexitannia? We don’t expect anyone will want to. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to pocket some crusty baps and get a ticket out of here.”

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Theresa May celebrates National Gilbraltar Day by offering to sell ‘The Rock’ to Spain

Ruler of all your fates and custodian of your children’s future, Theresa May, has celebrated National Gilbraltar Day by offering to sell ‘The Rock’ to Spain.

The offer, made during a totally natural YouTube broadcast from 10 Downing Street is said to have taken the inhabitants of Gilbraltar by surprise.

”We know the Tories will sell us out in negotiations over the future relationship between whatever is left of the U.K. post Brexit and the EU, but we didn’t think they’d actually physically try and sell us. Exactly how much is Brexit costing?”

We found it all a little puzzling so we phoned up John Humphrys of BBC Radio 4 ‘Today’ programme, seeing as he is paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a year to know things.

”I didn’t know Dwayne Johnson was named after an isthmus? You learn something new every day.”

No John, you don’t, quite evidently.

That avenue having failed we turned to our own Gilbraltar correspondent.

”It was pretty important in WW2? I think. It’s got some monkeys, doesn’t it? Lot of gambling companies trade completely legitimately from there. Um. I don’t see why it will cause any friction in the Brexit negotiations. 4% of the people voted to leave the EU. That’s pretty much a landslide takeover by the far right if you ask the BBC.”

Unfortunately we had forgotten Humphrys was still on the line. He heard it and hired our man on the spot as a researcher.

So we can only now editorialise.

We are sure the people of Gilbraltar will be more than happy in their new home once they move to Spain.

Furthermore we are certain that the selling of the Rock to Spain will make Brexit much easier. Now the government only has to deal with the Irish Border. New technology will take care of that one. And the Falklands, but we’re going to threaten to invade Argentina if they kick off, so that’s pretty much solved itself.

Unfortunately Humphrys was still on the line (when will we learn!) so you can expect to hear tomorrow from 6am that all remaining problems relating to Brexit have been solved.

”First thing the Spanish should do is shoot the monkeys,” John shouted down the line, “one of the little blighters nicked a lime off me when I was a boy and I’ve never gotten over it.”

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Exclusive – Threesome with Steve Bannon and Satan cost Boris his marriage

It wasn’t sexy soirees with titillating Tory totty that provoked Marina Johnson to trigger article 50 on her 25 year marriage to former London mayor and UK foreign minister “Bonkalot” Boris Johnson, it was something FAR darker, LCD Views can reveal.

Namely the discovery that the flesh that Boris had discovered a weakness for was none other than that of fellow lard bucket, Steve Bannon – and not alone either.

The pair of them were locked in an unholy ménage-a-trois with none other than Lucifer the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself.

“They were both insatiable,” confessed a red faced Mephistopheles in laconic tones strongly reminiscent of the late Peter Cook.

“The mere mention of the words “immigration”, “lebensraum” or “I have a right to my own opinion”, and they were off like rats up each other’s drainpipes – It was all I could do to keep up,” he complained, adding that given their respective bulks it was a miracle they didn’t trigger an earthquake.

“They’re both big lads, by which I mean in the “hippo” sense. Johnson is frankly a misnomer,” yawned Old Nick, laconically.

But like all good things, it had to end the Archfiend added explaining that Boris got the hump at “Sloppy Steve “ dropping his standards for every right wing nut job in Europe.

“For me though it was Boris’s insistence that we make the beast with three backs wearing rubber Theresa May masks and crotchless suicide vests, that did it,” he winced.
” I mean I’m Beelzebub, – I’m up for absolutely anything, but there are limits even for The Lord of the Flies.”

“Theresa and I have been mates for years – we screwed the Windrush generation together – you have to stand by your friends in their hour of need,” he smirked, sparking up a Capstan navy Strength and pouring himself another goblet of champagne.

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Boris Johnson to narrate new series of Little Britain

A new series of the sketch show “Little Britain” has been commissioned by the BBC, featuring updated versions of the classic characters, with the intention of depicting everyday life in a post-Brexit Britain.

Original stars Matt Lucas and David Walliams are still going to be writing the show, but this time will be staying behind the camera, as the show is made up of an all-new cast.

Boris Johnson will be taking over Tom Baker’s role as narrator, beginning each episode with the trademark call of “Britain, Britain, Britain,” before fleshing it out with various made-up facts and statistics.

The fast-talking Vicky Pollard will be played by Theresa May, who will respond to any questioning with “yeah but no but . . .” before embarking on a series of quick-fire gossipy backstabbing.

“We really would have preferred to get Donald Trump for that part,” admits Lucas. “But we had to work within the confines of a British cast, and Theresa just seemed right for the role.”

The charcter of Emily Howard, the world’s worst transvestite, will be played by Jacob Rees-Mogg, while Women’s Institute member Maggie Blackmoor, who would vomit over anybody in sight on discovering that any food she had consumed had been made by someone who was either foreign or gay, will be played by Nigel Farage.

“Nigel was just perfect for the part,” Walliams acknowledged. “We didn’t want to bring back that character unless we could get someone really good for it, and he was a perfect fit.”

The most changed character in the show however will be Dafydd Thomas, formerly “the only gay in the village”, he is now “the only socialist in the village” and will be played by Jeremy Corbyn, with Diane Abbott playing opposite him as Myfanwy the bartender who is constantly pointing out that there are many more socialists in the village than he thinks, only to be met with blind insistence to the contrary by a man who yearns to be victimised for what he believes are his unique qualities.

“That was a really tricky one,” Lucas explains. “We had to make it something different to what it was before, and we just couldn’t think of an updated angle on Dafydd. Then Jeremy came along and it all fell into place.”

Filming is due to commence next month, and the series will be aired in April of 2019, assuming anyone still has the facilities to watch it.

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ERG delay publishing their Brexit plan after ‘Step 1 – Invade Argentina’ is leaked

In a dramatic setback for British deep political thought, the ERG have announced they have delayed publishing their rival Brexit plan after ‘Step 1 – Invade Poland’ was leaked, but with a glaring typo saying ‘Invade Argentina’.

”We had intended to publish on the 1st September,” Mrs Batshit Crazy MP told LCD Views, “but then some traitor sabotaged us by leaking page one of the plan with the typo. We still intend to Invade Argentina, but that’s not page one of the plan, it’s page two.”

The plan overall though seems pretty much to just replay WW2, but with some role reversal and modifications relating to new tech, and was supposed to be a rival to May’s now widely disregarded Chequer’s Plan.

In this plan the British challenge the EU to a game of chess and then stun Barnier and co by immediately putting themselves in checkmate.

”We all know Ms May’s plan will never fly,” Batshit went on, “unlike our special squadrons of genetically engineered flying monkeys which will rain fear and terror across the tyrannical superstate of the EU until Empress Merkel comes to Whitehall in chains and kneels in submission before Dictator (for life) Jacob.”

Key parts of the plan are known though, along with the invasion of Poland, and they are the eradication of taxation completely and the drawing of blood from poor people. This will be sold on the international black market and the profits used to pay for the new ruling elite and their lifestyles, so they don’t have to.

”Personally I think we should push on regardless,” Batshit added, “once we have control of the air, like Bannon has advised us to do, only America can stop us. And we all know which side Trump is on (wink, wink).”

At least withholding the plan from greater public scrutiny has the advantage of no one at all thinking the ERG are completely off their rockers and devoid of the ability to plan coherently.

This allows them to retain their credibility and continue to drive the U.K. to a position of total dominance of the world’s tax havens, by way of terrifying May into submission until Boris Johnson takes over. Oops. That’s page three.

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UK – EU divorce talks will now be hosted by Relate

The two partners, who fell out over a number of trivialities, have been unable to come to any agreement. With neither side willing to compromise, skilled mediators are being drafted in.

The UK wants full access to the EU, but also full access to everyone else. The EU wants the marriage to continue but demands fidelity.

“It’s a clear case of the forty-seven year itch,” remarked Relate counsellor Amy Cable-Relationship. “The spark has gone, and one partner fancies a break because he hasn’t entered a fresh market in years.”

The UK is trying to avoid being kicked out of house and home. It dreads (and is secretly looking forward to) coming home after one last big bender to find its belongings on the lawn and the locks changed.

“It might take a long time to regain what we have now,” observed UK representative Upton O’Goode. “But what we will regain instantly is control over our destiny, and so we can get into bed with whomever we choose!”

“We have put up with, and indulged, the UK for years,” countered EU spokeswoman Delia Nodeal. “And we are prepared to have the UK back if it promises to behave itself most of the time. If what the UK wants is a bit more indulgence, I’m sure we can cope with that!”

“There are no victors in a divorce,” Cable-Relationship concluded. “Just whiners and losers.”

The divorce lawyers do all right, of course. The UK is having a midlife crisis, and the EU is considering making the suggestion that the UK should just buy a sports car instead. A German one, naturally.

Will it all end in tears? Ultimately, the EU will probably shrug its shoulders and let the UK sleep in the spare room and cadge the occasional sandwich.

There it is! The Brexit Dividend! We will still have our BLT.