LCD Views

News in the soft papers and here at the coarse international news media superpower seems likely to finally wake up stubborn leavers to just how crap their position will be in post No Deal Brexit Britain.

“Pinching one off will not be risk free,” our bathroom specialist, Mr White Tiles, advises, “forget the insulin shortages, forget the lack of radioactive materials for medical procedures, or that your heart medication will be in a customs queue from Calais to Reading, it’s those precious rolls of soft, and sometimes scented, paper that you’re really going to miss.”

The advice comes on the back of the revelation that the United Kingdom holds a stockpile of only one roll per citizen, with the rest imported in a just in time sequence from across the ENGLISH Channel day in and day out.

And in what promises to turn all guts to jelly, transport supremo Chris “failing” Grayling is going to be responsible for keeping your bottom wiped.

”The Daily Mail is of course anticipating a boom in sales,” Mr White Tiles continues, “as remainers stock up on the best alternative to rolls of paper in Labrador puppy packaging.”

The Express and The Sun likewise see a massive surge of sewer journalism turning into actual sewerage as the No Deal goal of the multi-billionaire, tax evading Brexiters comes to fruition.

”Laxative suppliers are downbeat though,” our correspondent continues, “the future is not smelling of roses for everyone, in spite of the pre-referendum assurances from walking, talking, permanently clogged human colons such as Fartage and Bum Buxom Boris. With everyone shitting themselves the moment martial law is imposed in April to ensure the cabinet maintains their own supplies of big roll.”

Best advice we can offer is to start stocking up on tabloid journalism now and probably leaves, lots of big leaves.

”Not nettles though,” Mr White Tiles adds, “unless you want to distract yourself for a while from the shit for brains idicoy of Brexit by rubbing the prickly little bastards on your ring.”

Sums are not the Conservatives’ strongest point. This mean – not to say average – bunch are so divided into different fractions that nothing they say adds up any more.

The least numerate of all the government departments is, naturally, the DExEU. Every impact assessment, every prediction, every confident pronouncement gives the same impression. That of a reluctant eight year old doing his maths homework.

LCD Views sought the opinion of number cruncher Algie Braic. “They really are a few beads short of an abacus,” he sighed. “It’s lies, damned lies, as they say. Most of the time they seem to be picking random numbers out of thin air. It’s a tombola Brexit now.”

This is quite apt, as everyone in the country has effectively bought a ticket, in the expectation of winning the jackpot. Naturally, first prize had already been awarded to the organisers

“The examples of a poor head for figures are many,” Braic continued. “From mythical amounts painted on to the side of a bus, to fantastical trade deals and promises of greater funding for our public services. I’ve got their number!”

Not to mention the “95% complete Brexit”, which, according to Guy Verhofstadt, means “0% complete”.

It’s not just the government. The BBC equated 700,000 People’s Vote protesters with 1,200 Leave Means Leave activists. All those zeros must count for nothing.

Factor in all the crazy economics sponsored by the ERG, and you get the irrational situation in which every negative is a positive. Good news if you have an overdraft, but it does not bode well when the Treasury is scrabbling behind the sofa for loose change.

“I’ve tried to figure it out,” says Braic, scratching his head. “But it boils down to the fact that this government regards zeros simply as placeholders. Like most Tory MPs, in fact.”

Ultimately there is only one fact to bear in mind. 73.9% of all statistics are made up.

It’s just not cricket, old boy. There’s many a slip twixt gully and wicket-keeper – or backstop.

“Barnier just doesn’t get it,” complained Raab. “He wants the gloves to come off, which is bad news for a wicket-keeper. He took his eye off the ball there.”

There’s also a lot of confusing talk about borders. “Yes, that’s another area where I had to put Michel right,” confirms Raab. “It’s actually called a boundary, and it’s made of rope. So all this talk about hard borders and soft borders is really a load of nonsense.”

The proposed border – or boundary – checkpoints is another non-issue, according to Raab. “The umpire’s decision is final,” he said. “The only technological solution you need is a TV camera to check whether the ball touched the rope. I told him that. It knocked him for six!”

Raab revealed how progress in the Brexit talks were progressing. “It’s two hours of cut and thrust,” he said. “Then you stop for lunch. Then two more hours. Then a tea break. Then two final hours, shake hands, and all down the pub to get bladdered! The whole thing takes up to five days, and if there is no result, you call it a draw.”

And the finer points of negotiation are finally clarified. “When you are in, you go out, and when you are out, you go in,” explained Raab. “That’s how cricket, I mean Brexit, works.”

The latest test had been a long drawn out, attritional affair. “Captain May is still at the crease!” claims Raab. “She is batting for Britain. No balls, that’s Barnier’s problem, no balls.”

The situation is finely poised. May is playing for time, trying to avoid defeat against Barnier’s straight and accurate deliveries. But there is a break in play while Barnier insists on having a backstop, and May is reluctant to allow it, whatever the rules say.

It looks like Brexit may have to be decided by the Duckworth-Lewis method.

It seems not a week goes by without another of Britain’s best-loved sitcoms getting a makeover. This time it’s the turn of Only Fools & Horses, which the BBC have announced is getting a reboot under a new title, “Only Brexiters & Unicorns”.

The show will be written by Jim Sullivan, son of John Sullivan who wrote the original. On being asked about the viability of a remake, he had this to say:

“Only Fools & Horses has always reflected the times – Del and Rodney moved with the times, so it can be updated to any time period and will still work in principle, as long as you get the characters right.”

Half the work in getting the characters right is the casting, and the cast looks promising. The part of Del Boy in this updated version will be played by Nigel Farage. He bangs out the old catchphrases “you know it makes sense!” and “this time next year we’ll be millionaires!” with absolute conviction – and an ever-dwindling bank balance in the case of the latter.

Del’s long-suffering brother Rodney, who doesn’t approve of Del’s schemes but still goes along with them, is here played by Jeremy Corbyn, while the role of old seadog Uncle Albert, who tries to talk them out of it with his old tales that always begin with the catchphrase “during the war”, has been given to John Major.

Other supporting roles have also been allocated: the idiot Trigger who would always spout total rubbish yet believe it firmly, will be played by Theresa May, while the snobbish Boycie will be played by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The new version will depict life in post-Brexit Britain, just as the old one depicted life under Thatcher’s Britain in the 1980s. Del and Rodney are the same as ever, traders trying to make it in a broken country. Although this time there is humour to be derived from the sudden absence of European health & safety standards in the country.

The pilot episode features a nod to the original with a remake of the scene where Del falls through the gap in bar. In this version, Nigel Farage’s version of the character attempts to sue the pub after falling and hurting himself, but is scuppered by a safety notice in plain sight which he failed to spot, warning people not to lean against the bar when the hatch is up. When it transpires that the safety notice was an EU directive, he attempts to blame the EU for restrictive health & safety measures, completely forgetting that they were designed to stop him from having his fall in the first place.

Other episodes will include the characters disregarding more EU health & safety regulations to clean a chandelier on the cheap, and acquiring some British-made inflatable sex dolls that have accidentally been fitted with a dangerous explosive gas.

The remake will hit our screens in March 2019, so have a watch. You know it makes sense.

The divisions in the UK have created a rift in the space-time continuum. Clever boffins have peeked through this rift to discover another, parallel universe. In this alternative vision, the UK voted overwhelmingly to Remain in the EU.

Naturally this has upset ardent Brexiters. Presented with indisputable evidence, they have queued up to rubbish it.

“Non est ad astra mollis e terris via”, said Jacob Rees-Mogg. “This common phrase, which requires no interpretation from oneself, should teach one to keep one’s feet on the ground. Reaching for the stars is tantamount to blasphemy, and positing a parallel universe is a contradiction of God’s almighty law. Those who trek through stars would be well to remember this: ire fortiter quo nemo ante iit.”

Others were less eloquent. Andrew Bridgen, MP for NW Brexit-shire, thundered “It’s all a load of old codswallop, innit?” Bridgen, who is due to be replaced by a cheese sandwich before the next election, is clearly in a bit of a pickle.

Seeking guidance amid the bluster and waffle, LCD Views spoke to clever dick Alec Smartt. “I have passed through the rift, and brought back evidence,” said Smartt. He waved a copy of a newspaper. “This is a copy of the Daily Mail from June 2016. Its headline reads, ‘Stay sane, vote Remain!’. The article praises the EU, claiming it brings stability and prosperity to the UK!”

The paper looked genuine enough. It was full of articles mocking fat celebrities next to pieces about low self-esteem. There was a special feature about house prices. Yet it was all consistent with a country at ease with its place in Europe.

Smartt also produced an edition of The Guardian from 2018, incoherently promoting the madcap opinions of fringe activist Boris Johnson.

The rift healed itself very quickly, claimed Smartt, leading his opponents to wonder which drugs he was on, and where they could get hold of some.