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“Clean drinking water is woke” – says Tory MP

FAUCET FRAUDS : Great British Reassurance today for anyone worried they maybe killed by drinking from their tap as the newly appointed Minister for Bottled Water Sales, Abac Teria, set out his plan to deal with the contaminated water crisis.

”There isn’t a plan,” he told a rapt classroom of year 5’s during a photoshoot to promote greater involvement of corporate interests in early years education. “You all look rosy cheeked, don’t you children? Yes. Yes you do. So if anyone tells you not to drink from the tap you just ignore them. You can only get infected once. And the strongest amongst you will thrive as the weak fall by the wayside. Won’t they children?”

While the lack of an obvious plan to return the UK’s water supply to the 21st century may concern some, Abac Teria isn’t losing any sleep over it.

”I’m disgusted at the people talking this country down all the time,” he blasted a cheeky 10 year old who appeared to have loosened his bowels during the session, developed a fever, fainted and was carried from the classroom. “Our glorious ancestors didn’t worry about water supply when they were raising militias on the subcontinent, did they children? Did the railways, the same ones we still use today with almost the same trains, get invented while handwringing over red tape to do with E. coli? No. They didn’t. So don’t you worry yourselves over it.”

Apart from the obvious and unnecessary excitement over water quality, Abac Teria, also had some choice words for the gloomsayers.

”Look at the sales of bottled water now? This is how you turn crisis into opportunity. This is the British way! Now, just remember if anyone moans about a brown lump clogging up the tap, you just tell them they’re woke and go look for a puddle in the yard to wash your face in. Now, I’ve got to run along and take up a job with the water regulator. My wife works for a water company. That’s exciting isn’t it? We can talk about work. Which is nice.”

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Lord Cameron expected to join Labour under promise to remain Foreign Secretary

EVEN BIGGER SOCIETY : The architect of the current state of the United Kingdom, Lord David Cameron of Boy Wonder, is rumoured to be in advanced talks to join Labour.

”He’s privately very panicked,” a source claiming to be close to the Lord told LCD Views, “if Rishi ever calls that GE it’s curtains. And I don’t mean merely a new refurb of 10 Downing Street.”

The big feelings in Big Dave are said to be based on the terror of becoming unemployed.

”Clearly balancing the budget, if subject to managed decline, won’t be an issue for the Lord. Only people foolish enough to be born poor have to fret over that. Wealthy people like the Lord don’t know how much they have because their finances are sensibly managed.”

What is the concern then?

”He’s worried he’ll be sent packing, well his staff will do the packing, anyway, sent back to the cavernous Shepherd’s Hut Shed with Sam banging on about what colour to repaint it and nagging him to talk to his personal stylist. It’s just so soul crushingly dull. He’ll die of boredom. But swanning around the globe at taxpayers expense being greeted like royalty due to his accent? That’s a life well lived.”

But would Labour countenance such a defection?

”Don’t be daft,” our source replied, “they’re still pledging to Make Brexit Work even though Brexit is about as workable as a nostalgia and class driven so called representative democracy with a birthright based and democratically unaccountable Head of State in the 21st Century when London is the world’s laundromat and social media tycoons provide the majority of people’s information via algorithms designed to manipulate their every thought. Of course they’ll do it. Without a second thought.”

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“Sun Tzunak” – PM to rebrand as military strategist in latest Reset! Reboot! Relaunch!

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : The UK’s current inheritor of Churchill’s eternal power animal, Rishi Sunak, is set to reposition himself domestically to prove he’s the war leader Britain needs to be great in future conflicts.

It’s the best kept secret in the Westminster bubble that Mr Sunak is only respected to his face by people who hope to either fill or empty his bank accounts, but the umpteenth image refab will definitely provide the resurrection in polling the PM needs.

”We can’t have an election until Rishi is certain to win, so if you want an election you know what to do,” a spokesman for the little retrograde ruler told LCD Views, “you would have thought showing a bit of ankle, literally, to the public was enough, but the peasants are truly revolting.”

No one can say Mr Sunak isn’t a trier, so why not try the latest rebrand his team of well heeled freethinkers have hit on.

”Sun Tzunak has an appeal which we’re sure will resonaste with the voters,” the spokesman explained, “and see them returning to Rishi in droves.”

The catchy new handle was the result of a free association brainstorm session of the kind which has seen the PM make life as hard as possible for people less well off than the average voter.

”To be frank, punishing the vulnerable for a poll boost is getting a little tired, because we’ve created so many vulnerable people. So this is a reset to our reboot approach and a rebrand which will put a rocket under Rishi.”

Mr Sunak will record a hip and groovy series of short clips for social media to help spread the world that he’s now Sun Tzunak, a type of military superhero.

”Only Sun Tzunak can lead you to victory,” the spokesman adds, his life force draining away in real time, “and if you don’t believe us you’re a traitor who is undermining the country.”

Look out for the taxpayer funded videos on digital billboards in your area from tomorrow and see a giant sized Sun Tzunak pointing to the dangers of the future he’s helping to create, so he can be the one to save you.

And if this latest reset doesn’t shift the dial, what next?

”We’ll do something else,” the spokesman shrugged, “it’s not like we’ve anything pressing to do.”

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I’ll give you anything you want, says man refusing to call a general election

WHATEVER YOU WANT: Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is bucking the Status Quo. In his desperate wish to be a popular populist, he is trying to gain popularity amongst the population properly. But is he a Matchstick Man or a straw man?

“I’m listening to the electorate,” said Sunak in his keynote speech at one of the private, opaquely-funded far-right Tufton Street think-tanks. “Look!” He covered his little ears with his little hands. “La la la!” he said happily.

The right wing media gobbled up this nonsense happily and reported it as fact.

“I’m not only listening, but I’m looking as well!” he continued. Sunak put on a pair of dark glasses and pretended not to notice questions coming from allegedly competent journalists.

“All you need to do is to tell me what you’re proposing,” Sunak said. “I’m a public servant, I’m YOUR public servant, ready to enact the Will Of The People.”

We all remember how well that went last time.

“You can trust me, just look at how I’ve delivered on my promises!” he boasted. “You said you wanted me to stop the boats, and that’s going really well. We are disposing of the surplus population one by one, to Rwanda. Outsourcing the problem always works. The paper tiger is sending them away on a paper plane!”

It’s possible that the AI bot which writes Sunak’s speeches needs to recalibrate its analogy filter.

“So just talk to me,” he said. “No, not you!” he snarled at one of the woke leftists who had attended on the pretext of ‘writing for a newspaper’ and raised his hand to ask a question. “I’m here, ready to roll over lay down for you, the Great British Public. Simply say ‘Brexit’ three times and cross your fingers, and it will happen.”

“Are you going to call a general election? That’s what the people want!” yelled the woke leftist desperately, as Sunak’s goons dragged his sorry arse out of the door to deposit him on the Tufton Street pavement.

“No,” replied Sunak.

He’s going down, down, deeper and down.

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Former PM to return as “Minister for Lanyards”

FUTURE TENSE : The PM for a crisis, Rishi “the blast” Sunak, has today announced a stunning reversal in the UK’s expectations.

”Most expected us to go quietly into that long night,” Mr Sunak told a rapt audience of AI enthusiasts, “but I ran the numbers through my new whizz bang artificial intelligence engine called Barry and it told me exactly what to do.”

And the solution to the UK’s myriad of once seemingly unsolvable problems is disarmingly simple.

”It all comes down to lanyards,” the clever little boy beamed. “For too long people have been wearing the wrong coloured lanyards in the work place. The damage has been calculable. Just look at the NHS waiting lists, bin collections, potholes, the RNLI saving drowning people, the National Trust failing to only talk about Stephenson’s Rocket, well, the list of things that have measurably degraded to a terrifying degree since 2010 is exhausting.”

But today the fightback begins.

”From today anyone turning up to work anywhere with a rainbow lanyard will be summarily executed. We will gladly sacrifice a few civil servants to ensure your hip operation happens by Saturday and the nurse who fits your catheter is wearing a red, white and blue lanyard.”

With the handle now back on the country’s pot all our assured it will be a lovely day tomorrow.

”Remember how it was always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris, if you just ignored today? Nothing has changed with me at the helm. And to ensure it remains a lovely day tomorrow I will be enobbing Johnson as Lord Al of Empty Wine Crates. He will then become Minister for Lanyards and we will all be warming our hands over the frozen tears of the woke.”

Job done. Well done Rishi. We don’t know what we’d do without you.

”And Barry. He’s my imaginary friend,” grinned little Rishi.

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Woke Hobby Horse tipped to win the Grand National

FIRST PAST THE POST: The Grand National is always hard to predict, but this year an outstanding candidate has emerged. The scourge of more traditional nags, such as Blind Nationalism and R. Cuntry, Woke Hobby Horse is this year’s clear favourite.

Traditionalists are up in arms, naturally enough. Their stables have been churning out horses specifically bred to run one race and then be turned into luxury dog food. The real prize is the rosette which may be applied to the cans made from the victor, and the accompanying price hike.

“This cannot be allowed!” bellowed one such breeder, Bertie Burlington, from the posh stable chain Horsepitality. “It’s my turn to win this year!”

Burlington set out his stall, filled it with hay, and chomped for a few moments.

“This is a disgrace!” he said. “Where will it all end? Will they start to allow cars to compete? Or aeroplanes? It’s the thin end of the wedge, that’s what it is, we are led by donkeys, and the law’s an ass!”

None of this addresses the point that Burlington’s competition is actually another horse.

“Hobby horses!” he yelled, hay scattering willy-nilly. “Bloody children’s toys! I bet there’s some Olympic sprinter riding it!”

Horses are generally faster than humans, especially over the jumps.

“I bet it’s a bloody unicorn, then!” he raved, his fetlocks quivering. “I bet it’s rainbow coloured, like all this Woke rubbish! I bet it farts glitter! And that horn takes away all the excitement of winning by a nose! When is it all going to end?”

Sooner than you think. As we write, there are moves in Westminster to create an outright ban on Woke Hobby Horses. Unicorns, rainbows, glitter, and all the colourful Woke stuff is being banned, so that we can get our country back to the dull, drab, grey place it was before having fun was allowed.

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“UK faces 5 years of peril” – Sunak warns of danger of re-electing Tories

FREUDIAN SLIP CONTENDER 2024 – The UK’s latest Prime Minister, Rishi “eat the poor” Sunak, has warned of the danger of re-electing his government to power. Whenever he deigns to call the general election.

In a surprisingly candid speech to the press the pint sized destroyer of the social contract displayed a hitherto unknown degree of self-awareness.

“If you just look at what we have achieved in fourteen years in power,” Mr Sunak said, “you wouldn’t want to risk another day of it. I know myself of the danger I represent to the UK’s hardworking taxpayers, mostly from my desire to transfer all their cash to my extended family’s bank accounts and then blame work-shy, middle aged cancer patients for the collapse of social services.”

Mr Sunak went onto elaborate further.

“I wouldn’t trust us with national security. We haven’t even released the report into Russian interference in the UK democratic process. I mean, have you seen Brexit? That’s a tough one for me. As a childhood devotee of the free market ideal of letting any old chancer pretend to be a medical practitioner, I find it hard to accept all my economic ideas are bogus. You could call me a political Peter Pan.”

Exactly when Mr Sunak will offer the UK to save itself from the Conservatives isn’t clear though.

“It’s amazing isn’t it?” Mr Sunak mused. “Even after I took a blowtorch to public health with my Eat Out To Help Out virus spreading scheme I was still allowed to be Prime Minister. I thank the Monarch for that personally. I do, constantly. Without a disinterested, democratically unaccountable head of state our parliamentary democracy would be in real danger of modernisation. And then where would the Cons be? Ha!”

“I mean things could be worse I suppose,” he pondered, “I could decide to pass a law saying I don’t have to call an election by January 2025. Although I better get a wriggle on! Considering I’m shedding MPs faster than small to medium businesses attempting to export to Europe.”

Mr Sunak got a glint in his eye at this point and added, “It could be worse. I could be Adidas. If Nike want me to destroy their brand cred too all they need to do is send my stylist a pair of Converse.”

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Sunak says sightings of Northern Lights in London prove “My plan is working”

THE SPAM IS CHURNING : Cosmic wonder and also apparently UK PM, Rishi “Infosys” Sunak is to take credit today for the stellar light show that lit up the skies of even southern England overnight.

”The plan is working,” he will tell a baffled Westminster bubble, “for too long Labour has betrayed the hardworking British people by standing in the way of the aurora borealis.”

The PM will say the dazzling haze which was visible in some areas of the capital could not have happened if he hadn’t taken such great strides to bring down inflation.

”The pandemic made it difficult to see the light. So too the war in Ukraine but by passing into law my new Great Light From My Arse Bill almost everyone can now see the Northern Lights.”

But not everyone is so keen to give credit to the PM. Defectors within the Conservative Party will point to the spreading of the northern lights to southern England as just another sign that levelling up is all about favouring the blue tinge in the south.

It’s not yet clear what position Labour will take on the PM’s claim but it is believed they will either say very little or promise to continue the aurora borealis when in government.

”Let’s be honest,” a spokesman for Starmer told LCD Views, “if promising to continue the policy will keep a few swing voters in Surrey we will do it. Otherwise for many on the NHS waiting lists the lights will be the last thing they’ll see.”

A largely unreported aspect of the event though will be the signing of contracts today with members of the PM’s extended family giving them billions to repeat the event at some yet unspecified future date.

”The details of the agreement are commercially sensitive,” the PM will say, “but I will stop at nothing to ensure that anyone receiving a state benefit has their eyes blindfolded before it happens again. The northern lights are for the hardworking taxpayer, not some middle aged layabout pretending to have cancer just to avoid working a zero hours contract for a multi-national conglomerate registered for tax purposes in Panama.”

Ignore the problems you’ve caused and take credit for things which have nothing to do with you. Perfect governance.

”By the way. I’m not Boris Johnson because I can comb my hair,” added Mr Sunak.

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“Judge me on my empty promises,” says rich idiot

WHAT’S YOURS IS MINE AND WHAT’S MINE IS MINE TOO : The UK’s current smartest serving Prime Minister Rishi “One Note” Sunak has set out his stall for the General Election he refuses to call.

The pint sized powerhouse of performative punishments isn’t paying any heed to suggestions that after 14 years of provably failed policy it’s time for the Cons to slither back into the shadows, feast on the mountain of innocent lives they’ve stolen in the long night, and count the loot.

”I’ve unfinished business,” Sunak told a surprised Downing Street press conference. Surprised because most believed he is the definition of finished business.

At this point the miniature rage hammer paused, smirking, “Well, my father in law has unfinished business. There’s still a few contracts to sign so he gets the best possible settlement when I eventually leave office.”

This was followed by a more somber moment as Mr Sunak mused on one of the jolly contradictions of Conservative politics.

”It’s funny how we’re always talking about the need to balance the books. As if the nation is a household. I have no idea of my actual worth, partially because it keeps accumulating well above any tax rate and I simply have no need to balance my budget. The plan is working.”

From there it was a medley of classic Sunak.

”We have turned the corner.” – To the cliff edge.

”We have gotten control of our borders.” – by ignoring them.

”I am having a relaunch party next week.” – par for course.

“Judge me on my promises to fix Britain.” – I should know how, I’m part of the mob that broke it.

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Tories to replace Sunak with a tub of lard

HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: The shock news leaking from the ship of state is that there is no suitable heir apparent to Rishi Sunak. Obviously, the Tory top brass want to get rid of him, as they have to blame someone other than themselves and their party for the catastrophic election results. But there is no obvious candidate. Nor is there a totally not-obvious candidate. Therefore, all that is necessary is a placeholder while this government limps to its inevitable end.

“What we really want is a cross between Margaret Thatcher and Boris Johnson,” explained party analyst Evan Elpus. “A goofy yet charismatic joker with the conviction of the Iron Lady. So we asked Stanley Johnson to mate with Thatcher’s corpse, but surprisingly he refused. Now we are free from the wicked shackles of the EU, there should be no impediment to raising the dead or forcing known fornicators to impregnate them.”

Strong words. It is clear that, despite Johnson’s triumphant clean break from Brussels, its tentacles still pervade our Great British Reality.

Elpus described The Science needed to create the ideal leader.

“We therefore instructed our boffins to obtain both Thatcher and Johnson DNA and inject it into lard,” he said. “The basic ingredients: Iron, blond hair, and fat. We gave them a week, max, to create our Great British Leader, that should be more than enough. Instead the woke lefty leaning traitors told us it wasn’t either possible or morally desirable! Can you believe it? This is why the boats must be stopped.”

The logic is flawless, but still the facts remain: no Frankenstein leader.

“So we had to settle on just the tub of lard,” admitted Elpus. “It represents the ideal leader, therefore it must be the ideal leader until The Science catches up with our freedom and sovereignty.”

The latest polls show that the change of leader has inspired a ten point increase in the laughability index, but still no bloody chance in the general election.