Posted on

Man thrilled people think his Cybertruck is a dumpster and not a Tesla

SOLID GOLD RUST : A man who purchased one of Elon Musk’s Cybertrucks, while high on hallucinogenic drugs, has spoken today of his relief at its reception in his neighbourhood.

”I was worried,” D Ouche told LCD Views, “not at first. When I was high as a kite, after confiscating some mushrooms off my teenage twins, I wasn’t worried. I thought it was all just my imagination. I could never believe I’d really go onto Tesla’s website and order one of those sci-fi fever dreams. But. I mean what the hell. They’re not even raccoon proof.”

Hallucinogenics and automobile purchase decisions are not normally good bedfellows.

”You can imagine my horror when I was doomscrolling and saw Elon Musk doing that weird cringing double fist pump thing next to Trump at Thanksgiving, and right at that moment I saw the so called truck arrive.”

D Ouche said he didn’t believe his eyes, at first.

”It couldn’t be. I had just imagined it. But. Surely I could return it? But apparently if you try and do that Musk will dox you to the 200m bots who follow him on his cryptoporn site.”

It seems the prospect of crypto and porn bots besieging his home was too much.

”Clearly I was still a bit high. And now I’m stuck with it.”

However a slim hope arrived shortly after.

”I was thinking we were going to be ostracised. You know, how Space Karen will be January next year when Trump and him argue over who is whose useful idiot?”

The danger passed once D Ouche saw another article comparing his strange vehicle to a series of dumpsters.

”Seeing those images of how closely a Cybertruck resembles a dumpster was my salvation,” D Ouche reveals. “I just opened all the doors and let nature take its course.”

WhatsApp helped too.

”Whenever anyone asks on our street WhatsApp if anyone has any space in their bin before bin collection I simply say yes, and put up a picture of the Cybertruck. It’s actual made us really popular locally.”

Does he have plans to actually drive the Cybertruck?

”Only if I confiscate the motherlode of narcotics. I’d have to be out of my mind to be seen behind the wheel. And I’d disturb the nesting raccoons.”

Posted on

Donald Trump to wear Tudor codpiece to inauguration ceremony

IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING : The so called United States of America is in for a big spectacle next January when its once and future King, Donald Trump, once again risks three degree burns by placing his hand on the bible to be sworn in as President.

While the woke left will be eagerly watching for smoke coming off the ageing offenders hand, keener eyed watchers will have their attention focused lower down.

”Clearly it’s common sense to pay attention to Donald’s hands at all times. Watch for any sudden movements,” an insider told LCD Views, “but if you really want to see the direction America is now headed in I’d be watching his groin.”

This timely advice is to do with President for Life Trump’s secret plans to steal the show on his own big day.

”Donald has bought a real Tudor codpiece off EBay,” the insider can reveal, “it’s said it was worn by his nearest ancestor, in style of government, Henry VIII! Donald is really thrilled.”

Right now the symbol of monarchical and patriarchal power is being refitted for use by Mr Trump.

”Padding is being added to the interior of the codpiece. That’s not because of Donald’s tiny hands. It’s because of how cold it gets in lame Washington in January. A problem Donald and the petrochemical industry have vowed to fix on day one.”

Gold is also being added to the exterior to make sure everyone notices the traditional symbol of power.

But what if anyone says the codpiece is a fashion crime?

”Not a problem. El Donnie will just pardon himself.”

Posted on

Donald Trump to definitely relinquish power peacefully next time

MAKE DEMOCRACY GREAT AGAIN : The world’s greatest ever President, Donald Trump, has moved to alleviate concerns that he will not peacefully relinquish power the second time around.

Clutching a tired looking pacifier, wearing a filthy bib and sitting very straight in a red, white and blue toy car Donald spoke to a handpicked boogie, and some handpicked brocasters.

”MINE! MINE! MINE!” The President-elect (probably) said in words transcribed by the chosen press core as “Nothing is more important to me than upholding the democratic traditions that have seen our great nation prosper since The War of Independence.”

The press event will do much to alleviate concerns of many Americans and their allies that having tried letting horned lunatics rampage around the capital once, he might just do it again.

”You can’t lose elections you don’t have,” an insider told LCD Views. “It’s a bit like you can’t do jail time if you’re never sentenced.”

”Clearly there is nothing more important than a smooth transition of power at the end of a presidential term. Just look at the show being put on by the Bidens. Hilariously pious. And we will definitely learn lessons from their example.”

For his part Donald has promised to do further press conferences before, and after returning to power.

“[Maybe for hours at a time. Just me to camera. The people will know I am President as I address their concerns over anything from egg prices to hair implants.]”

As to the manner of the peaceful handover of power, next time, a spokesman for the incoming administration took time out from preparing for his criminal trial to bring clarity.

”No one should believe the crank, anti-free speech brigade who say Mr Trump won’t give it up freely next time. He will. Either Donald junior or Musky will get it. Whoever wins the mud-wrestling contest to be held in 2028 in either Moscow, or Saudi Arabia. It depends who is the highest bidder.”

Posted on

Downing Street says “AI will replace benefit scroungers” so Britain’s sick can work

LITTLE BIT OF HARD WORK WILL SORT THEM RIGHT OUT : Good news today for people worrying that Britain’s legions of waiting list ill are endangering the tax efficient arrangements of major donors to major political parties, with the announcement from Downing Street that “tech will solve our welfare problems.”

Talking to a cluster of rubber worn journalists, that just like the government, can’t believe that the government is now the government, and so everyone is just carrying on still in the press as if the old government is still the government, a Downing Street spokesman said, “Whatever bollocks will get us a favourable front page on the Mail”, followed by “something tech something.”

The statement will certainly reassure a nervous country convinced that the millions living it large on NHS waiting lists are the “productivity drain which threatens to rob us of the benefits of Brexit”.

The exact details of the tech solution to the health crisis (bequeathed by 14 years of Tory – in the hope people will sell their homes and enrich private equity) are yet to be worked out, but AI will play a huge part.

“Why should AI just do all those silly creative jobs? Why shouldn’t it deal with the millions of work shy Brits who can’t be bothered to work just because the pay is calculated on the need to shove money into tax havens? And some lie about a prolapse or a dicky ticker or what not?”

Indeed.

The hope is that by selling “Britain’s health data gold mine” to US tech giants AI can be trained up to the do “the job of sick people”, so the sick people can “pick fruit”.

Quite what the languishing legions of ill will make of once again being scapegoated is anybody’s guess, but presumably the new AI can be trained to blame itself for the whims of fate and no one “suggest Amazon, or the King, or Google should pay any tax”.

“We’ve got a 170 seat majority,” the government spokesman added, “we essentially can revolutionise the country, make meaningful, redistributive change with this power, so we avoid the fate of the Dems across the pond. But I think instead we’ll just piss about the edges for a while, improving things a little, and then get terrified next election and pander to the right. But it’s not our fault. It’s Julie Bingfull who lives in Croydon who insists on not working until she gets back her sight.”

Posted on

Mexico to build a wall to keep out fleeing Americans

DON’T TAKE A FENCE: The announcement from Mexico’s Foreign & American Office follows hot on the heels of the news that the USA has had a collective brain fart and re-elected Donald Trump. Already there is chaos on the border.

The Mexican minister, Juan Dirección, is assembling all Mexico’s police, vigilantes, and angry men with sticks at the border to keep out people fleeing the States in fear for their lives. Luckily for them, the people in question are American.

There are absolute scenes along the full length of the border. Hundreds of people are trying to swarm across the border in inflatable dinghies. LCD’s American correspondent, Hank O’Hare, went to find out why.

“We keep up with the English news, bud,” claimed one fleeing American. “We watch your GB News all the time, it’s almost as good as Fox!”

So why are you crossing a land border in a boat?

“‘Cause we heard that it’s the only way!” said the would-be refugee. “That great man, Nigel Forage, said that the only way to stop refugees is to stop the boats. So I figured that you gotta have a boat. He’s a great man, Nigel Forage!”

He rowed off, the exertions of his crew eventually moving the boat forward a couple of millimetres.

Meanwhile the Mexicans stood by laughing. Occasionally one took a pot-shot at a dinghy to deflate the boat and the optimism of its occupants.

O’Hare tried another man. Who are you, and why are you fleeing, he asked.

“Hi! Ah’m Chuck Ittaway!” said the interviewee proudly. “Ah’m escaping the reds under the bed!”

Who did you vote for?

“Ah voted for Donald Trump, of course! Terrible man, but what cud Ah do? Ah jist cuddn’t bring meself to vote for a wimmin!”

The Americans stopped trying to row, and set up a massive BBQ party instead. The police, vigilantes, and angry men with sticks busied themselves with building the wall to stave off boredom.

Posted on

Starmer to move Thatcher’s portrait to its rightful place in the attic

NEW LABOUR, OLD DANGER: Sir Keir Starmer has marked the end of the summer by removing the official portrait of his most notorious predecessor. The ageless ex-Premier will henceforth reside in the Downing Street attic.

Thatcher will have exalted company in her elevated position. The attic is reserved for iconic figures who have impacted the country in a significant way. Her attic mates include Neville Chamberlain, Liz Truss, and Boris Johnson.

Officials have denied that the move is an attempt by Starmer to achieve immortality.

“That’s a Wilde accusation,” claimed spokesleftie Dorian Redd. “Although it does explain how a lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”

There is a less sinister explanation.

“Since the Tories had so many Prime Ministers in the last fourteen years, there was simply no space left on the Downing Street staircase,” said Redd. “Mind you, the portrait of Boris Johnson was so large that it covered up all the other portraits, and it had to have its own scaffolding just to bear the weight.”

Johnson’s portrait had to be dismantled entirely, and the plush gilt frame melted down.

“The gold we retrieved was sold, and the proceeds managed to fill one of the black holes in the inherited budget,” said Redd. “The picture itself was folded with a delicacy that Johnson himself might have recognised, it was shoved into a plastic carrier bag from Lidl and dumped into a corner of the attic.”

Thatcher’s portrait is alleged to have snorted in disgust at the incident.

“The staircase is no longer a Health & Safety hazard,” said Redd. “Rishi Sunak was forever tripping over it, which was why he used the helicopter every time he went upstairs to bed.”

The attic is the place where responsibility is borne. Any PM with a clean conscience will be happy to end up in the attic. Which is why most of them are on the staircase.

Posted on

Nigel Farage to be new England manager

CRASHING OUT OF EUROPE: The man who was determined to leave Europe now wants to take England back in. At least in terms of football. But he is struggling to find enough right wingers.

The man himself was unavailable for comment. He has scarpered to suck up to his mentor, Donald Trump, after the poor ex-president faked an assassination attempt (allegedly).

“We would have won, if only Brexit had been done properly,” claimed the fraudulent frog-faced fascist foghorn’s mouthpiece, Zig Hyle. “Last time we played Spain, back in 16-whatever, Sir Francis Drake beat the small Spanish boats single-handedly, just by playing bowls!”

Yeah, I don’t think that’s how football works.

“The result stands!” said Hyle. “We won, Spain lost, and they need to respect the result of the humiliation.”

Farage already has his first team lined up. Well, five of them, at least. He himself will play up front and take all the glory. His deputy Richard “Dick Twice” Tice (a disappointment to every girlfriend he has ever had) will be right behind him. Lee Anderson will dominate the middle ground, as he sees it. The other two, being less well known, will have to play at the back.

“We are struggling to find any real right wingers,” explained Hyle. “Nige, Lee, and Dick and the other two are centrists, really. Obviously playing on the left is out of the question, so we will carry on where Gareth Southgate left off.”

That’s still only five players. Proper football has eleven, plus substitutes. Where is the rest of the squad?

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” said Hyle. “We will make up some players, and call them up if we need them. We have the best team on paper, with all the paper candidates.”

Victory is assured. Farage insists that coming second is the same thing as winning. Except in a corrupt referendum, of course.

Posted on

Tory MPs to keep lying as it saved “121 seats”

START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON : As the UK reels from the shock result last week of no longer having a government determined to smear its hands in shit and clap for all the world to see everyone is wondering how the surviving Conservative MPs will react, in opposition.

In an exclusive interview with first the BBC, ITV, SKY, GBBEES and LCD Views, Sluice Fucbouquet, the heroic Con MP for Batface-on-Thigh, explained the strategic reasoning.

”Imagine if we’d told even an iota of the truth during the general election campaign?” he asked, in what was a surprising twist to start the interview. “It would have been a disaster.”

Sluice is right.

”Who is responsible for record NHS waiting lists? Who reduced the armed forces? Who put the poo in the water? Who treated the pandemic like a get even richer quick scheme? You see my point? Anything approaching honesty over the last 14 years would have been an extinction level event.”

But when queried over how long Sluice thought lying would keep the party relevant he was less confident.

”Look, we have to hope all the people who say Starmer is just a Tory are right. If they are nothing will get fixed and we’ll be bang to rights to be back in power in no time. We are after all, the natural party of government.”

Which presumably explains why having a government that suddenly seems intent on not smearing its hands in shit and clapping is proving something of an adjustment. Especially for Westminster correspondents.

Healing takes time.

”Pass the bucket,” Sluice requested, “I’ve an interview with Rees-mogg and that’s when we clap the hardest.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Rishi Sunak “under investigation” after placing bet on date of GE

GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT : Breaking News this evening, that we’ve made up, after an invented betting regulator confirmed that would be last Tory PM Rishi Sunak is under investigation for placing a bet on the date of the general election.

”We can confirm that Rishi Sunak is under investigation for placing a bet on being named the worst ever Prime Minister,” Mr Kno Reale told LCD Views, “as to claims he placed a bet on the date of the general election I can not comment. Although given more than one of his staffers did, the funniest thing that could happen next would be that Mr Sunak also had a flutter.”

We did not approach Mr Sunak for comment, as he has nothing worth saying on any matter whatsoever, having shown himself to be largely horseshit, but we are prepared to imagine his defence.

”I didn’t know the date I would call the GE until the moment I called it,” he could say, “as I was enjoying the feeling of power dangling the prospect over the little people gave me. So there is no way I could have known I would choose a holy day in the US calendar, a country I have no information about at all.”

How many more Tory insiders will be under the spotlight remains to be seen, unlike any credibility they have left, as they have none.

”I’m a world beating PM,” Sunak added, “now if you don’t mind I’m off to place a bet on the date I move to California. Also a complete mystery.”

Posted on

UK food banks hold two minute silence to honour Sunak’s childhood

TWISTING AND TURNING : UK food banks have reacted with solidarity today after learning of the horrible deprivation of the UK’s last Tory PM, Rishi “full plate” Sunak’s, childhood.

From the moment clips from ITV’s interview last week began trailing on social media an upswell of feeling across the nation began, and shows no signs of slowing.

”It’s hard to imagine what he suffered,” A Charity told LCD Views, “I mean it’s easy to lose perspective. I’m here day in and out handing out food to families where the parents are in full time employment but still can’t afford a full week’s food for the kids and I never once stopped to imagine what the PM suffered? Makes you ashamed. No wonder he’s been so determined to see my sector blossom while in government.”

A Charity wasn’t alone in her feelings of personal disdain. F Tory, H Unger, D Irtywater and many others were also caused to reflect.

”We had to do something to show Rishi we understand what it was like to be beavering away at Winchester College knowing that when you got home there would be no cable tv waiting. It’s horrible to imagine,” H Unger said. “That’s when we decided to hold the two minutes silence.”

The PM’s office is yet to react to the show of feeling from the thousands and thousands of food banks, but an insider told us they were taking time to “find the right form of words.”

”Basically it’s all a bit crass and borderline psychotic,” they added, “when you think of all the hot water Sunak is in for leaving D Day early to serve the interests of his far right political supporters and the food banks can’t even hold the two minutes silence at 11am? Bloody uneducated peasants. They deserve to starve if they can’t think of their betters.”