LCD Views

PAY TO PLAY : Great news for citizens of liberal democracies wondering when the hell their governing parties will get to grips with the distorting influence of big money in democracies.

Speaking earlier today a leading think tank, FURS, said it was publishing an outline of the way forward.

”We can all see the corrupting influence of corporate lobbyists in our day to day lives,” Mr Moni Bags told LCD Views, “and especially damaging is the way hardworking voters feel increasingly excluded from the systems of government. The danger of extremist parties, and heads of state, is all too real.”

FURS thinks it’s time something was done to give voters back “democratic equity”.

”To address the shortfall in return for voters we suggest that all politicians, be they in government or opposition, should be accessible by everyone. This is why we are suggesting they are listed as commodities on all major stock exchanges.”

By listing the politicians small investors will be able to “speculate” on leading political lights and “pension funds and cooperatives can potentially purchase an entire seat in Parliament or a House representative.”

The London Stock Exchange is expected to be the first to trial the political commodities as a way to make up for the “slow bleed to death of Brexit”.

”Imagine the possibilities,” the spokesman says, “you don’t like chemical industry lobbyists killing your bees then just buy the relevant MPs. Work as communities to create investor funds and get stuck in.”

FURS and LCD Views would like to reassure people that this is not investment advice and no legal liability is due.

”However, say you see a billionaire attempting to buy one of your MPs in order to create a new feudalism? Well, if you’re smart you’ll get in and buy that MP while they are cheap and wait for the price to rise on the exchange once the serious money gets involved. Cash out before the peak and live easy.”

WHO IS PAYING THE FAG ASH PIPER : A well known British part-time parliamentarian and fishing industry advocate has taken aim at the “woke London Underground”.

Speaking at noon (Moscow Standard Time) the Member for Nowhere let fire at commuters who he claimed were “staging a fifth columnist, Trokysite, Maduroist takeover of London’s iconic subterranean transport infrastructure”.

The “reddest of red flags” appeared to be “not all, but definitely 48% of commuters following signs” to walk on the left.

”I am not saying Sadiq Khan is quietly staging a communist takeover of our great capital, but it’s fair to ask the question if he is actually subliminally brainwashing Londoners into doing everything on the left. Especially politics. Which is obvious when you look at who keeps winning the mayoral elections.”

City Hall has not yet responded to the accusations, but an internal insider did tell LCD Views, off the record, that “If Mr Farage would like to put his questions from his Clapton constituency we will be glad to answer them.”

On this condition it is unlikely the question and answer session will ever occur.

However the MP for Himself did say he was planning to walk “down the right side of any Underground escalator” if the dark day ever dawned when his man of the people chauffeur was unavailable to drive him to “work”.

MAKE DEMOCRACY GREAT AGAIN : The world’s greatest ever President, Donald Trump, has moved to alleviate concerns that he will not peacefully relinquish power the second time around.

Clutching a tired looking pacifier, wearing a filthy bib and sitting very straight in a red, white and blue toy car Donald spoke to a handpicked boogie, and some handpicked brocasters.

”MINE! MINE! MINE!” The President-elect (probably) said in words transcribed by the chosen press core as “Nothing is more important to me than upholding the democratic traditions that have seen our great nation prosper since The War of Independence.”

The press event will do much to alleviate concerns of many Americans and their allies that having tried letting horned lunatics rampage around the capital once, he might just do it again.

”You can’t lose elections you don’t have,” an insider told LCD Views. “It’s a bit like you can’t do jail time if you’re never sentenced.”

”Clearly there is nothing more important than a smooth transition of power at the end of a presidential term. Just look at the show being put on by the Bidens. Hilariously pious. And we will definitely learn lessons from their example.”

For his part Donald has promised to do further press conferences before, and after returning to power.

“[Maybe for hours at a time. Just me to camera. The people will know I am President as I address their concerns over anything from egg prices to hair implants.]”

As to the manner of the peaceful handover of power, next time, a spokesman for the incoming administration took time out from preparing for his criminal trial to bring clarity.

”No one should believe the crank, anti-free speech brigade who say Mr Trump won’t give it up freely next time. He will. Either Donald junior or Musky will get it. Whoever wins the mud-wrestling contest to be held in 2028 in either Moscow, or Saudi Arabia. It depends who is the highest bidder.”

NEW LABOUR, OLD DANGER: Sir Keir Starmer has marked the end of the summer by removing the official portrait of his most notorious predecessor. The ageless ex-Premier will henceforth reside in the Downing Street attic.

Thatcher will have exalted company in her elevated position. The attic is reserved for iconic figures who have impacted the country in a significant way. Her attic mates include Neville Chamberlain, Liz Truss, and Boris Johnson.

Officials have denied that the move is an attempt by Starmer to achieve immortality.

“That’s a Wilde accusation,” claimed spokesleftie Dorian Redd. “Although it does explain how a lettuce outlasted Liz Truss.”

There is a less sinister explanation.

“Since the Tories had so many Prime Ministers in the last fourteen years, there was simply no space left on the Downing Street staircase,” said Redd. “Mind you, the portrait of Boris Johnson was so large that it covered up all the other portraits, and it had to have its own scaffolding just to bear the weight.”

Johnson’s portrait had to be dismantled entirely, and the plush gilt frame melted down.

“The gold we retrieved was sold, and the proceeds managed to fill one of the black holes in the inherited budget,” said Redd. “The picture itself was folded with a delicacy that Johnson himself might have recognised, it was shoved into a plastic carrier bag from Lidl and dumped into a corner of the attic.”

Thatcher’s portrait is alleged to have snorted in disgust at the incident.

“The staircase is no longer a Health & Safety hazard,” said Redd. “Rishi Sunak was forever tripping over it, which was why he used the helicopter every time he went upstairs to bed.”

The attic is the place where responsibility is borne. Any PM with a clean conscience will be happy to end up in the attic. Which is why most of them are on the staircase.