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BREAKING : Government to change dictionary definition of corruption to mean honour

WELCOME TO THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH: The government has abandoned yet another parliamentary principle. This time the rule they have smashed apart is “never go full Orwell”. 

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” And now these delicious statements are joined by “Corruption is honour”. 

In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. This latest statement, being both (internal) truth and (external) deceit, makes it a paradoxical tautology on a par with Brexit Means Brexit. 

For there is hardly an influential Conservative MP without fingers in many pies. Our right honourable friends are as corrupt as shit. Picture the covid crisis, for example. Watch as £37bn is spent, on apparently very little, right under the watchful eyes of the Clandestine Anti-Corruption Commander, who failed to notice his wife creaming off exorbitant sums of public money. Rejoice as Matt’s Mates are given squillions, ostensibly to obtain PPE but in fact to splash out on mansions. Cheer the well connected company which took government money to buy overpriced equipment which was never used, and instead stored it in its own facility, charging £1m per day for storage. 

All part of the loyal, patriotic, honorable business of diverting public money into private hands. 

Then let’s consider the entirely honourable business of paying MPs for favours. Owen Paterson was forced to resign not because he was “corrupt”, but did the dishonourable thing of being found out. 

There is no need to mention the fact that £3m is the going rate for a peerage these days. 

By simply redefining what woke lefties call corruption as honour, so many obstacles are removed from the path to Brexit nirvana. 

There is nothing wrong with using money and influence to gain more money and influence. This is why such business must be conducted using burner phones, which may then be “lost”, “broken”, or “given away”, according to the Lord Bethell List of Plausible Excuses. 

After all, what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over. 

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BREAKING: Cost of a peerage reduced to only £3m thanks to Brexit

LORDING IT OVER US: Another Brexit benefit has been discovered. Thanks to the reduction in EU red tape, the price of a seat in the House of Lords has been reduced to a cut-price £3m.

Those who say this devalues the peerage have been denounced as jealous moaning woke snowflakes, by people who also insist on civility in public life. 

“You don’t get something for nothing,” chided Justin Uffter-Livon, Number Ten’s special advisor on frequent parliamentary pay rises. “As we all know, the basic, and I use the word advisedly, salary for an MP is barely sufficient for sustaining the bare essentials.” 

That’s another issue. How can political influence be a commodity to be bought and sold in a modern democracy? 

“It is a reward for blameless and selfless work on behalf of the Conservative Party,” said Uffter-Livon. “And now, thanks to the elimination of EU red tape, we have removed any lefty obligations to demonstrate any kind of public service. This means that we can now deliver democracy at a very reasonable price!” 

Is interesting that “only” £3m is described as “very reasonable”. It is a price way beyond the means of most people. 

“I dispute that,” said Uffter-Livon. “In fact, there must be a device to ensure that the hoi polloi, the riff raff, the great unwashed, never threaten the Great British power structures. They are being excluded for their own good, so that the country may be rightly ruled by those sufficiently high skilled. Indeed, lowering the bar to just £3m has opened up the field to many more suitable candidates.”

Presumably the next logical step is to sponsor a Lord, and reduce Parliament to a franchise system paid for by the wealthy? 

“Great idea, thank you,” smirked Uffter-Livon. “Cash for questions? No, Money for Members. It’s the way backwards, I mean forwards.” 

Buy a Baron! Roll up, roll up! 

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Boris Johnson to take personal responsibility for fighting corruption

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL: With Westminster rocked by corruption scandals, and many further allegations flying around, it’s time to Take Back Control. The most-investigated Prime Minister ever, Boris Johnson, has vowed to take full personal responsibility for standing up for high standards and decency.

There is only one small problem with this. Johnson, apparently, has absolutely no idea what the expression “take full personal responsibility” means.

This has never stopped him promising it, though. For example, despite the PM’s promise to take full personal responsibility for the UK’s pandemic response, we have a world beating death rate per capita. This responsibility for Brexit talks and Brexit job losses has not remotely been matched by any action. His full personal responsibility for Air Bridges for overseas holidaymakers is matched only to his commitment to the Garden Bridge, the Contract Bridge, the Bridge Over Troubled Water and Andrew Bridgen.

So the news that he is to take full personal responsibility for fighting corruption is to be welcomed in the same way that Johnson welcomes another trip to the STI clinic or a detox session. On his watch, we know that (for example) one company was contracted to buy PPE at an inflated price. When this proved to be unusable, it was simply stored – causing a shortage of shipping containers – and the same company charges £1m per day in storage charges. So no corruption there. Absolutely nothing to see.

And surely this is only the tip of the iceberg. Only this week we have seen Johnson’s desperate attempts to change the rules on corruption and accountability so that they do not apply to him. If that’s not taking full personal responsibility, then I don’t know what is.

But we may rest assured. With the Prime Minister in charge of marking his own plagiarised homework, what could possibly go wrong?

The megabucks stop here.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson ENDS climate change by changing the definition of climate change

COP THAT : WORLD LEADERS are to be rewarded for all the hard work they’ve done lately in talking about climate change by world leading UK world leader Boris Johnson.

“It’s great PR having everyone get together and talk about the need to do something before we all die,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve scheduled further talks to talk about doing something before we all burn and suffocate in our own inability to put longterm ecological viability over the short term profit of oil producers. There’s nothing to worry about. Climate change is well underway. I mean well in hand. We’re going to make a success of it.”

And to prove how easily it will be to make a success of climate change Mr Johnson is to lead the world in tackling it. Instantly. It will all now just go away.

“He’s going to change the definition of climate change,” the source beams. “It’s worked for the Tory government since coming back to its rightful place as holders of office. We have a problem with unemployment? Simple. Change the definition of unemployment. Same with poverty. The same with pandemic death figures. Anything you like basically. If a word is giving you trouble because it screams reality, just change its definition to point away from reality. Then you can sit back and soak up the profits.”

What the new definition is will also be seen as a further sign of Mr Johnson’s visionary genius. His ability to cut through the knottiest of Gordian knots.

“This is where it gets really clever. It’s easy to do something big about climate change,” the source explains. “You’ll love it. Mr Johnson will mention Alexander the Great. This will show he’s serious because he’s used as classical reference. Then he’ll just change the definition of climate change to weather. It’s a stroke of genius. Everyone knows weather is changeable. Now there is nothing to worry about. We’ve cut through the Gordian knot and can all go back to business as usual.”

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The rest of Kent to be concreted in “boom for British concrete farming”

GREEN CRED : The government is to attempt to get back on the front foot this weekend by announcing the one giant building project the PM is capable of driving through to success. Operation : Carpark Kent has been a highlight of Mr Johnson’s time in office with vast swathes of England’s most green and pleasant landscape already converted into a “tangible and concrete symbol” of Brexit.

“The treasury has agreed to allocate a further £200 billion pounds to buy the concrete required to finish the task of concreting over Kent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even Mr Sunak was able to see it is necessary. He took time out of his styling his hair for a Christmas swimsuit calendar to green lit the spending on the project.”

The only potential snag in the “big boom for infrastructure spending” seems to lie in finding enough qualified truck drivers to get the concrete pouring.

“That’s not as big an obstacle as critics would have you believe,” the source shrugs. “We’re changing the rules again on Class 1 licences. Now family pets can get involved. A well trained dog can easily navigate driving a concrete truck straight through a cottage garden and then hit the button that says ‘pour’. Afterwards they get a treat. It keeps them motivated.”

Local Kent residents who maybe opposed to the further expansion of Inland Customs Facilities will simply be ignored by Downing Street.

“It’s what the people voted for,” the source reminds critics. “We said we were going to level up the country and Kent is going to be especially level once it’s completely covered in concrete. Operation : Carpark Kent will make the UK world leaders in concrete farming. That’s not to be sniffed at. Unlike whatever we’ve been on which has convinced us to do it.”

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U.K. Government push to achieve corruption of MPs via natural infection hits setback

DIG DEEP AND CARRY ON : It’s been an undeniably bad week for the UK Prime Minister, with even The Daily Mail sensing profit in turning on him by the closing stages of play.

The trouble appears to centre on an alleged attempt to tear up the final vestiges of accountability and scrutiny. Which was going great guns until a wave of public nausea so severe 10 Downing Street was left “literally mopping out the spontaneous deluge of vomit”.

“We were just trying to infect all MPs with a sense of entitlement so strong anything goes,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “If you want to do something and you are capable of doing it, you should be able to do it. Foreign interests have spent vast sums to groom British MPs to believe that. Public interest be damned. Just look at Brexit. Titanic victory. Corruption has been a runaway success among Conservatives. Being born to office gives them a head start of course. We’ll take stock and try again. Admittedly the punishments for being caught redhanded are ridiculously light and we should just carry on with business as usual. But being told no really rankles men and women who’ve never heard the word.”

Others have said that the problem lies right at the top of government. The Prime Minister is the focus of numerous investigations into his conduct in office and if Downing Street was able to tear up the oversight of his actions then all those ridiculous inquiries could just be made to go away.

“We have to find a way to completely evade scrutiny,” the source goes on. “We got Brexit done by calling any sane and sensible questioning of its wisdom unpatriotic. So the trick appears to lie in working out how to label anyone saying MPs shouldn’t receive vast sums of money to lobby for corporate interests unpatriotic. Then all the PM’s troubles can just float away and we can become wealthy while struggling to survive on an MPs miserly salary.”

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Downing Street sets up “Operation – Stable Door” to oversee mask wearing by Tory MPs

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT : 10 Downing Street is said to be alarmed by the completely baffling wave of CV-19 among MPs. So concerned they have set up a new working group to study the how’s and why’s of the outbreak.

“I’m as baffled as you are,” an unmasked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All the MPs know each other. Some of them extremely well. If you look at the ranks of Brexiter and Lexiter MPs most of them are great chums, in spite of being in opposing parties, that largely explains the state of the country right there. So how the virus was able to just rip through the House of Commons is really confusing. Knowing someone is the best way to not catch an infectious disease from them. Just ask anyone down an STD clinic.”

While the reasons behind the potentially lethal virus catching on in the Commons maybe confusing everyone, the attempt to hinder more infections is bound to be contentious.

“Some girly swots are saying MPs are just like other mortals and breathe in and exhale. This can lead to them both breathing out and inhaling in harmful virus particles. And a mask can reduce that risk. Complete shocker. Who’d have thought it? Especially government MPs. Most of them are so dead inside you wouldn’t have thought it possible. But here we are.”

While the push will be made to inhibit the spread of the virus inside the Commons, it is hoped the greater effort to keep masks a culture war issue won’t be damaged. The profits of PPE companies rely on it.

“We didn’t get to where we are with our world leading pandemic response by convincing people that basic and minuscule personal sacrifices like mask wearing and social distancing are just sensible public health precautions to care for other people. We’re British. We’re immune to such pragmatism. To have to now ask MPs to wear masks to stop them harming each other is a bit rum. What if the public follow their example? Tory MPs do not do personal sacrifice to help other people. It goes against the entire code of conduct.”

Supporters of the initiative though have said Operation : Stable Door should be viewed as a complete success so long as “remote voting by MPs does not come into fashion”.

“If we have to start modernising our system of government using available technology the entire Johnson administration is in deep trouble,” the source. “He needs the farce of the Commons as a fig leaf on his complete and utter unsuitability for office.”

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to lead clap for Owen Paterson

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE TURD SPLASHING : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to take time out from his busy schedule napping this weekend to lead a clap for one of Britain’s most famous parliamentarians.

The decision to spend some time “awake” has not been taken lightly and rumours suggest it is against both Mr Johnson’s alleged handler’s advice and his medical specialists.

“It’s very dangerous for the Prime Minister to be awake at all over the next 48hours,” a leaked paper presumed to be from Mr Johnson’s doctor reads. “There is the real chance of reality temporarily intruding into the carefully crafted fantasy life that Boris has constructed. The harm could be significant.”

If reality is able to “get involved” with Mr Johnson’s perception of the world around him he will need to complete a full course of Pomerol AOC “Château Petrus” 1985. Although finding donors prepared to “pay for the Prime Minister’s arts and crafts supplies is becoming increasingly problematic”.

It is hoped that once awareness of the “personal sacrifice” made by Mr Johnson, when he spends time “conscious” either Saturday or Sunday, becomes public knowledge that a poll bump will follow.

“Owen’s contribution to public life needs acknowledging,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Few people who could have taken the lightest slaps on the wrist and then carried on as before are prepared to allow themselves to be used publicly in an attempt to destroy the last vestiges of accountability in our political system.”

The only potential risk for Mr Johnson clapping in public is thought to lie in the possibility of him taking the course of Pomerol before he tries to put both hands together and make an “audible sound”.

Puppet masters will be on hand to control the strings attached to this wrists during the event. That has been described though as “just business as usual”.

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It’s time for an end of childish behaviour in parliamentary debates, says man still looked after by his nanny

MANNERS MAKETH MAN: We must end the outdated, and deeply annoying, tradition of behaving like children in the House of Commons. This statement from the Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is surprising from a man known to be looked after by his childhood nanny.

The only surprising fact is that he did not condemn the lower orders for lying down and taking a nap on the job. When it was put to him that this was a lie, he merely commented suavely, “One does not lie, one reclines.”

Long-standing Commons traditions of booing, making fart noises, coughing at inappropriate moments, and shooting dried peas from a catapult, were roundly condemned as being childish and rather silly. “Nanny always says that one should act one’s age,” he said, without a trace of irony. “She ensures that one is properly attired for one’s day’s work, and insists that one speaks with respect, even during playtime.”

Rees-Mogg further disclosed that during his years in the House, he had not once messed up his duties as milk monitor.

But what is life really like at home with the Rees-Moggs? Staff working at his modest 179-room mansion, with grounds occupying a mere 12% of East Somerset, were only too eager to spill the beans (and wipe them up afterwards).

“It’s hard to distinguish the children from the adults,” said under-butler Bowen Scrape. “When Jacob and Mrs Jacob line up at the dinner table with Unicycle, Duopoly, Tribble, Quattro, Pentagram, Sixtus, Septicaemia, Octet, Nonentity and Decadence, all with their bibs on, you don’t know which way to look. In the end, you just have to pretend it’s totally normal.”

“Bedtime is eight o’clock sharp for all,” said nursemaid Tanya Hyde. “They all sit around the fireside, while I read them ghastly 17th century fairy tales from a priceless manuscript. Then it’s a cup of warm milk, here is a candle to light you to bed, and a sharp smack if they step out of line.”

Peter Pan syndrome? Only kidding.

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Tory MPs are incapable of committing fraud, claims Boris Johnson

WHITER THAN THE DRIVEN SNOW: There is no such thing as Tory corruption, claims the Crime Minister. Conservatives are simply incapable of doing bad things. 

Boris Johnson’s own record is squeaky clean. He was never sacked for lying, he merely resigned to help a friend save face. He did this twice, in a measure of his legendary generosity. He never tried to help Darius Guppy to beat up a journalist, that was just elaborate banter between mates. A bigger boy made him pour shit into our rivers. 

So it is with Owen Paterson. The money he may or may not have been paid was not a bribe or an incentive to influence policy. In fact, the money was merely resting in his account. 

Accordingly, the now redundant Standards Committee will have to be disbanded. The anti-corruption chief will no longer have any responsibilities, although he will doubtless still be paid. It’s amazing what a retrospective rule change can do for decency and honesty. 

“The British government has the highest international reputation for honesty in the world,” claimed Johnson advisor Stan Dards. “This will only have been enhanced by today’s announcement that MPs and ministers are officially incapable of any wrongdoing. This is a great day for democracy. No longer will our MPs have to look over their shoulders for the irritating watchdog whenever generous wellwishers donate money to supplement the pittance they get paid. This move will ensure that lobbying will become a thing of the past, not least because giving money to MPs is now going to be called Associate Membership of The House.”

It is a sad state of affairs when persistent rumours of financial, sexual and drug-related irregularities follow our blameless representatives. The PM has declared such things impossible. It’s time to restore trust, and therefore we must take Johnson at his word. After all, who ever heard of a Tory prime minister lying?