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BUY NOW : Box set of PM’s TV speeches includes bonus content of 2020 Xmas Parties!

EVERYONE HAS A PRICE SOME ARE JUST CHEAPER THAN OTHERS : Great news for people struggling to find that perfect gift for that special someone who already has everything. 10 Downing Street Productions have released a BOX SET of PRIME MINISTER BORIS de WAFFLE JOHNSON’s pre-recorded speeches in time for Christmas.

“As the possibility of a Christmas lockdown grows stronger now is the time to stock up on things to watch alone, or with the only other person you dare be in close contract with,” a 10 Downing Street Productions spokesman advises.

“Our new BOX SET of the PM’s pre-recorded speeches will see you through the dark days as you desperately long for spring time. Every episode comes re-edited to give Johnson the panache he lacks. We’ve even bought the rights to the Benny Hill theme song and you can listen along as he waffles and rambles. Each and every day will seem like the rest of your life.”

Orders are expected to exceed demand so be sure to order TODAY in order to receive your box set sometime after the 25th of December.

“We’ve added bonus content of 2020’s No 10 pandemic rule breaking Christmas parties,” the spokesman advises. “Why not buy one for any senior Met officer in your life? All the evidence they’ll ever need to not pursue an investigation with because of who the rule breakers are. Just the look on their faces when they tear off the wrapping paper will make it worth the cost.”

The box set also neatly catalogues the changing staff at 10 Downing Street as one by one aides and advisers are thrown under the bus to save Mr Johnson’s skin.

“We’ve taken the time to make a collage for the cover art and included postcards inside of key moments in Mr Johnson’s premiership. Do you want to hold a postcard of Dom in the Rose Garden defending his Barnard Castle trip? Maybe Allegra Stratton the moment she realises just how Faustian was her pact? Or Raab staring at a sign saying ‘Beach Closed’. It’s in inside along with hours of pre-recorded video because no one anymore trusts Mr Johnson to give a coherent message if he’s not properly leashed.”

BUY YOUR OWN COLLECTION OF BORIS JOHNSON SPEECHES NOW TO ENSURE DISAPPOINTMENT THIS CHRISTMAS! *recommended retail price of ‘your country’s self-esteem’ is non-negotiable.

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The Great British Potato War – 2.0 Whatever Doesn’t Kill You Often Hurts A Lot

2.0 Whatever Doesn’t Kill You Often Hurts A Lot

Mrs French and Cyclops stood on the patriot’s pavement. Private French and the conscripts were gone. They were in the future now. Would they come home again? Mrs French did not know. Did not know if she wanted them too. She was so furious at them leaving.

“Get War Done!” Cyclops shouted. A gust of wind blew a leaf against his face. It stuck there. He giggled.

Mrs French smiled, if a thin drawing out of the lips and breathing through her teeth could be a smile.

“Did you see the way Private French thrust his stick into the air and twirled it like a cheerleader?” Cyclops gushed. “Control British Fish!”

“It was a stirring sight,” Mrs French agreed.

Mark’s marching feet weren’t in time with each other, let alone the lads around him, but the Churchill radios compensated by blasting out a recording of feet that were.

A cold wind blew as the patriots grew small in the distance. A dog howled. A woman was heard weeping quietly. A thousand children cried out as one in terror and then a voice boomed “CUT THE SIGNAL. It’s the wrong track on the radio. CUT THE SIGNAL!” and momentarily the Churchills fell silent.

“It’s not an omen,” Mrs French muttered. “It’s not.”

“They were a rag tag bunch Mrs French,” Cyclops grinned. He was shivering a little. Goosebumps on his scrawny legs. He mocked marching back and forth to warm up. Marched until Mrs French gave him a playful clip around the ear.

“Knock that off or some nosey parker will report you to the secret police,” she advised, pulling him close, into a hug.

“Now, what do you want to do first?” she asked.

“I was going to take first watch on Private French’s barricade.”

“You’re a good boy Cyclops. A good boy.” She gave him a squeeze. “How about we go and thrash the bigger boys for stealing your chocolate instead? Then you and me have a slap up dinner?”

Cyclops wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back as hard as he could. Mrs French wasn’t entirely sure, but she thought she heard him sniffling. Then his little, bony body heaved up and down and she was sure.

“Don’t worry about old Mark. The devil takes care of his own.”

“I’m not worried about Mr French,” Cyclops managed. “I don’t know the last time my mother hugged me.”

“Now. Now. I’m sure that’s not true.”

“How could she hug me?”

“Cyclops! You’re a smashing lad. I’d be proud to call you my own.”

“No. She’s in a re-education camp. She smashed our Churchill up with a brick on Land of Hope and Glory Day. She’s been gone for months.”

“Well, who’s been looking after you?”

“You, most days.”

Mrs French burst into tears. She knelt down on the pavement and fiercely hugged Cyclops.

“You silly boy. If I’d have known…”

“I was told I couldn’t tell anyone or I would be thrown out of Raylee. My mother has shamed us. I’m a rotten egg from a bad hen.”

Mrs French pulled back and cupped his wet face in her slab hands. They looked into one another’s eyes. It was not clear whose tears were fatter.

“I didn’t think Mr French would let me visit if he knew. The only reason it wasn’t in the paper is because my mother once had lunch with the second cousin twice removed of the Propaganda Minister.”

Mrs French shook her head and gave Cyclops another squeeze. She worried if she was in danger herself? To be seen in public with the child of traitors?

“Come on,” she extended her hand. “Let’s get you home and cleaned up. Afterwards we’ll have supper. You can stay with me now.”

Cyclops snorted up his snot and wiped the back of his nose with his torn sleeve. He took Mrs French’s hand with his own. She didn’t care that it was covered in snot.

“I’ve been saving some food in case the war goes badly,” she said in a hush. “I’m going to feed you until you burst.”

“But what about thrashing the bigger boys?”

“We’ll do that tomorrow. It will be cracking sport. They’ll have forgotten all about bullying you and it won’t half come as a surprise!”

They laughed and hurried on. Forgetting that most of the bigger boys were now in the army.

“Can we skip to your house?” Cyclops asked.

“I don’t see why not!”

Mrs French burst into a skip, still holding Cyclop’s hand and pulled him clean off his feet. After, when she had picked him up and dusted him down, they tried skipping again.

“One…two…three…”

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“Christmas Party Twister game did not break social distancing rules” – Downing Street

LISTING TO PORT : Downing Street has moved to get ahead of the latest “party party party” leaks aimed at politically destroying Boris Johnson, now that he has served his time as front man and been moved to the new category of “sacrificial boar”, in order to make way for the premiership of Jeremy Hunt.

“The rules allowed for games of Twister with multiple households,” a 10 Downing Street spokesperson said, although they wouldn’t show their face. Presumably because of the entirely foreseeable end to Allegra Stratton’s career and reputation. “The Prime Minister and his friends adhered to the rules at all times by being completely plastered on donated Bollinger before the game commenced.”

The news that games of Twister with multiple households were in the pandemic rulebook for Christmas 2020 will come as a surprise to many. But only until they understand that for Britain’s ruling political elite the rules can be rewritten and applied retrospectively to excuse “perfectly acceptable indiscretions, double standards and blatant hypocrisy”.

Whether or not the clarity will protect the beleaguered Prime Minister remains to be seen with consistent polling now screaming he is “stuffed”.

“We can expect any number of slow witted Tory MPs to now tweet in support of the Prime Minister and what is said to have been a bally good time rolling around with the fillies between colourful circles on the floor,” the spokesperson added. “Even if hundreds of people were dying daily because the same MPs could not be bothered to fulfil the most important responsibility of being a representative. It’s the peoples’ fault. The signs that the government wasn’t going to protect them when profits were there to be made were visible from the start. It’s all about personal responsibility.”

Although the criticism will come thick and fast over the content of the latest leaks, people are asked to pause for a moment and consider the choice of Twister was sound, given that Mr Johnson has been labelled “a shape shifting truth twister”.

More leaks are anticipated until Mr Johnson finally gets the message and fucks off.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson claims he never wanted to be Prime Minister

BREAKING BORIS JOHNSON : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Man of the Pfeffel Johnson, has given a candid and entirely invented interview in which he opened up about his job.

“All my life I’ve focused on my career and neglected my family,” he told a sympathetic reporter. “This has led to me accumulating many families and a very successful career. Moving on each time after creating a disaster. It’s been a hoot. But where to now?”

Where to now is a good question as it is clear the men in grey suits will soon be inviting the shambolic god of kakistocracy to depart the famous Downing Street address.

“You know they’ll put some smiling assassin in after me?” Mr Johnson asked. “Someone like Hunt. He will present himself as a measured and stable hand come to rebuild after the chaos of me has been discarded. To be fair that is probably what is required to complete the liquidation of the assets of ordinary hard working British men and women. The US private health interests are impatient.”

But what about Mr Johnson himself? Could he not take up bricklaying or painting like his idol Winston Churchill? Maybe pen a giant, multi-volume history of the British people?

“I’ll pretend to do some of that for photoshoots, but mostly I’ll just get hammered and chase tail,” the PM confessed.

“To be fair I never wanted this job to begin with,” he added, “I never wanted to be Prime Minister. I wanted to be World King. I appear to have over estimated the UK’s importance and then reduced it significantly. I think I gave up the wrong passport! Ha!”

Will he be having a leaving party? Perhaps some drinks?

“Yes. But only after I’ve banned the plebs from doing it on pain of £10,000 fines. It maybe my last act of government.”

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Dido Harding assigned to Track and Trace Number 10 party goers

THERE’S NO PARTY LIKE A DOWNING STREET PARTY: The government has proposed an elegant solution to the mystery of the phantom Number Ten parties. Like a bloodhound on the scent, the phenomenal Dido Harding has been assigned to Track and Trace every single illicit party goer.

It’s going to take time. A whole lot of precious time. It’s going to take money and time to do it right. A detective fund has been set up to enable this vital work to commence. The first purchase from this modest sum of £37bn is, of course, an obsolete Excel spreadsheet.

“Finding a piece of heritage software that actually works is difficult,” explained sacrificial lamb Allegra Austin. “Finding one that doesn’t work is even harder. It is essential that this vital piece of kit is in place before we fire up the good old ZX81. It takes a week to load the program from the old cassette tape, that’s if someone hasn’t recorded Wham’s Greatest Hits over the top of it again.”

There is a great deal of work that must be done. First, Harding and her family must obtain mansions in the countryside for herself and every member of her family. Then consultants must be called in to state the bleedin’ obvious for an eye-watering fee. Finally, after many “business meetings” with cheese and wine and music and party games, the work may be contracted out. 

“Within a few years, we may be in a position to requisition the police logs detailing who was in and out of Number Ten on the relevant dates,” said Austin. “These names will be entered on the spreadsheet and cross-referenced with the famous Taboo List of non-prosecutable individuals. Ultimately, if someone who was present, not on the Taboo List, and no longer living is discovered, then they will be scapegoated and the matter closed. This is normal government procedure, and anyone who questions it will have their citizenship removed.”

With Harding’s track record, what could possibly go wrong?

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Boris Johnson to dress up as Father Christmas and give everyone a virus

HO HO HO : Outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be ready to “make amends” to the country for parties that happened at 10 Downing Street last Christmas while the country’s plebs were ravaged by an out of control pandemic.

“He’s going to dig deep into his dressing up box and find a seasonal outfit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going in further than ever before. He’s going right to the bottom of the barrel and he’s going to scrape it until he comes up as Father Christmas.”

The decision to dress seasonally will be a surprise to the country as he normally just “blindfolds himself and picks out an outfit at random”. This time he’s actually thought about what to wear rather than “surprise himself and have aides sort out the details of a walkabout”.

A mass of photographers will be on hand as Mr Johnson emerges ruddy cheeked from the doors of 10 Downing Street with a big white beard “hastily stuck on and hanging half off his chin for the amusement of onlookers”.

“He will go on a national tour and give something special to everyone,” the aide beams. “If you haven’t had the virus yet you will after a visit from the PM!”

The visit will start at the nation’s primary schools so children can “take that little something special home to their parents”.

“No one knows what variant they’ll get from the Prime Minister which is what makes this Christmas so special.”

Critics have rounded on the decision though and decried the lack of novelty.

“There’s nothing new happening here,” one said. “He dresses up as a twat daily anyway and the pandemic policy is to let it rip until everyone in the country catches it. What difference does it make if he dresses up as Father Christmas?”

Downing Street has dismissed the criticism though and said the PM will “shake hands with everybody until they’re too sick to do anything about it.”

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Removing passports from drug abusers won’t stop my overseas Christmas holiday, says Boris Johnson

TOUGH ON DRUGS, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF DRUGS: Some members of the Houses of Parliament are getting worried. New legislation to remove passports from drug abusers is being proposed just as some of the country’s most prominent abusers are readying themselves for a Christmas holiday abroad. 

But nothing will stand in the way of Boris Johnson’s seasonal jolly in the sun. The Westminster rumour mill suggests that Johnson will refuse to hand over any of his passports should any accusation stick. 

There is an additional safeguard in the pipeline. In future, any law that Johnson and his cronies don’t like will simply be removed. 

“What the PM wants, the PM gets,” explained Number Ten lackey Carrie Thecan. “He regards it as a perk of the job. In his own words, ‘Yes, well, no, erm, erm, flim flam, bibble bobble, wiff waff, indeed, jolly good!'” 

Well. You can’t argue with that. 

Thecan explained what this week’s rules mean for the rest of us. 

“Obviously, if you have ever touched drugs, then expect a visit from the Plod,” she said. “This country will not tolerate law breakers, and the only way to get your passport back is to join the Conservative Party, and donate at least £3m to the Ministerial Holiday Fund.” 

So there’s a price list. 

“£3m for a single incident, £10m for a year, £37bn for permanent immunity,” said Thecan. “Bargain if you ask me. Alternatively there’s a Sponsor An MP Scheme. Simply cover their expenses and mum’s the word!” 

It’s an absolute steal, unless you are sponsoring the likes of Michael “Bloke with the Coke” Gove. 

Never mind County Lines, which are bad because small time crooks use them. Westminster Lines are making sure that our overstressed leader can unwind over Christmas. 

So you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. 

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“Police can’t investigate when witnesses were so high no one can remember a thing” – Raab

IS IT A BIRD IS IT A WAIT WHAT WOW MAN : THE JUSTICE SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has moved to flesh out his incisive comments about the way law and order works in the United Kingdom under Boris Johnson and his cartel.

He reassured everyone (who works in crime and the government) over the weekend when he revealed that the Police do not investigate crimes that are a year old.

“It’s basically just a waiting game,” Mr Raab impressed. “If you can keep the loot hidden for a year or the body buried in the backyard for 365 days you are home and hosed. The police will not get involved after a year. They just lose all interest. It’s the way their minds work.”

And it’s not just high crimes and misdemeanours, little things like lockdown rule breaking Christmas parties are also out of bounds once enough time has passed.

“You can basically do anything if you can keep ahead of the cops for a year,” he reiterated. “Say hundreds of people are dying alone and terrified daily, drowning in their deteriorating lungs because whoever was supposed to be coordinating the response to a pandemic could not be bothered to put up with rabid Tory backbenchers bitching about having to wear a face mask in Harrods? Well if you decide to throw a Christmas party as a reaction to that and break the law, just don’t let anyone find out for a year and you’re invincible. The long arm of the law gets shorter every day that passes.”

And it’s not just the passage of time that sees lawbreakers getting away with it.

“The heavy cocaine use in Westminster is another way to ensure you can’t be held to account,” Mr Raab added. “The police get bored senseless if you were too high to remember the details of your crimes. Jamming several grams of high quality white powder up your nose daily is a get out of jail free card.”

When pressed if the use of nose garbage bestowed the same degree of protection Mr Raab looked puzzled and replied, “I think that’s a matter for trading standards.”

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I tried snorting coke in the House of Commons toilets, but found it too fizzy, admits Dominic Raab

LIVING THE HIGH LIFE: Dominic Raab has come clean about the large amounts of coke found in the House of Commons. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but struggled because of the bubbles.

“I usually just drink it,” confessed Raab. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!”

But that didn’t work out too well either.

“I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Raab. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”

Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.

“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Raab continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”

But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit.

“Priti Patel likes a bit of opium,” reveals Raab. “No wonder she always smells so nice. She picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”

Then there are several cannabis users.

“George Eustice likes to smoke joints,” said Raab. “So I tried it. I rolled my joint first, why you do that I still have no idea, then smoked it. I now have a large supply of smoked gammon. It’s delicious, but I still can’t see the attraction.”

Raab also reveals that there is a small group that enjoys LSD.

“The old fashioned ones, who want a return to the pre-decimal currency,” said Raab. “Mark Francois, Steve Baker, that gang. They claim that unicorns are not only real, but they have seen them and ridden on them. Well, I got some farthings and florins, but no unicorns appeared. It’s a mystery, and nobody will tell me what’s going on!”

And he departed, to the strains of Lucy in the Sky with (Nadine) Dorries.

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U.K. workers urged to increase productivity to pay for 10 Downing Street parties

WHEAT FROM CHAFF : U.K. workers are to be urged by the government to go on a “great productivity drive“ to counter balance the mysterious headwinds affecting the economy.

While it’s not yet clear why Brexit and a lethally mismanaged, economically illiterate pandemic policy focused solely on looting the country to enrich political donors and chums has hurt growth, except in tax havens, the net result is an alarming debit on the national balance sheet.

The U.K. government is to respond by urging all patriots to “redouble their doubled efforts” and “discard leisure time as harmful to the country”. A public information campaign will be launched to shame people who sleep, eat, use the toilet and in other ways fail to “repair the damage the wizard did”.

“The gig economy is bursting with low paid, insecure work that we urge all Britons to seize before we have to offer greater employment protections. For some baffling reason the decision to drive millions of skilled people away has only caused wage inflation in Class 1 driving jobs. Brexiters and Lexiters are to hold a great conflab to decide which Labour leader to blame. This is preferable to acknowledging decades of sticking your head firmly in your arse and ignoring a changing world was a mistake,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

In the interim you are urged to “give up your Saturdays” and “bin Sunday” before anyone starts wondering if the government of the U.K. is comprised solely of “grifting, brain dead, entitled idiots puffed up by dark money funded think tanks into thinking personal enrichment is the sole aim of governance.”

“The recent outburst of envy over the PM’s Christmas parties while people died alone and scared in isolation, because he was too thick and disinterested to use a circuit breaker in September 2020, shows how serious the situation is,” the source added. “Britons must work harder so the Prime Minister can party without it becoming boring gossip in the media.”