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BREAKING : MPs demand multi-million pound pay rise after losing major sponsor

PAY TO PLAY : NUMEROUS UK WORLD LEADING CONSERVATIVE MPS are said to be deeply moved and distressed over the warmongering of Russian President Vladimir Putin and what it means for the United Kingdom’s governance.

Strong and stable government has been the hallmark for the UK since the Tories returned to power in 2010 but the revolutions in public funding, the reduction of the UK defence forces and the great strides towards glorious isolation made by successive Tory governments doesn’t come for free. The paltry financial rewards for public service available in the UK system must be beefed up to ensure a vigorous government.

“I’m not going to name any names,” an anonymous and fictional MP told LCD Views, “but we’ve had to set up the Sponsorship Research Group to look into ways to replace the funding we’ve abruptly lost because of the war in Ukraine.”

Correlation is not of course causation.

“Clearly the millions in donations from Putin linked figures over the years were merely philanthropic because of his desire to spread democracy as far as possible,” the MP stated. “Nothing was ever asked for in return. Not even Brexit. We thought that up all by ourselves because we’re the biggest empire in Europe. I repeat we never did any service in return for the donations. Nothing was ever asked of us. We were just happy to be able to help all those oligarchs manage their portfolios.”

Quite how the public will feel about replacing the millions in future donations lost isn’t yet clear, but it’s felt by the SRG that the public must pay.

“It’s only fair. They keep voting for us in spite of our record in government.”

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MPs awarded pay rise because it’s hard work being that shit

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR : Not much is able to push passed the possibility of WW3 in the news cycle at the moment but a £2,200 pay rise for the UK’s members of parliament managed it and armed waved around for several hours.

Many UK voters may feel it’s a bit rum for MPs to be getting a boost in their pay just as the same voters look at taking out a second mortgage just to pay for petrol at the pump and their weekly grocery shop. The justification given is the increased workload caused by the pandemic.

“It’s been brutal,” one Tory backbencher told LCD Views. “You try maintaining an extramarital affair in that climate! Just look at what happened to Matt Hancock. All the money I had to shell out just to keep my bi-weekly meetings with Tricycle secret was exceptionally egregious. Not to mention having to make time to stand on my doorstep and clap for a few weeks. This pay rise doesn’t go far enough.”

Other MPs are also coming out to support the boost.

“Look at what we’ve achieved since 2010? We’ve created great food and energy insecurity in the UK just before a time of heightened food and energy insecurity and insane inflationary pressures. We’ve achieved the diplomatic isolation of the UK, and everyone thinking we’re total idiots, just before the biggest international crisis for generations. We reduced our military impressively too. Although we did produce one airplane free aircraft carrier which we immediately sent off to the Pacific. Genius. Now you get to our management of the pandemic. We wrote the rules to suit the lifestyles of ourselves and our donors. The avoidable death toll we achieved was truly world leading. I could go on, but you get the picture, you’ve been living through it.”

Essentially the pay rise is justified because “it’s hard work being this shit”.

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Boris Johnson hails Covid Bonus as healthy workers gain loads of overtime

WIN WIN WIN: Forget Brexit Dividends, now we have Covid Bonuses! To every downside, there is an equal and opposite upside. Except Brexit, of course, which only has upsides by definition, as we all know.

Workers up and down the land are dropping like flies. Although Boris Johnson and his sociopathic cronies Got Covid Done, the virus itself is immune to government propaganda and is making merry. 

The upshot of this is that the frail, elderly and unlucky are being removed from the population. Many more are being incapacitated. This means more work for the fit and healthy patriotic British people to do.

Many people are having to cover for covid-affected colleagues. This, claims Johnson, is a great op[portunity to claim lots of overtime.

Johnson made the claim at an event styled “The Man, The Myth, The Magic”. This has nothing to do with Vladimir Putin, or even Marcus Rashford. It is simply a vehicle to promote Boris Johnson in lieu of his having to do any actual work. In policy terms, it bears about as much resemblance to genuine progress as creative accounting does to financial accuracy.

Johnson took the stage amid a flurry of dry ice, to rousing music. He ruffled his already untidy hair, gave his trademark faux-bashful grin, and took the podium with the same lack of grace as Donald Trump.

“Friends, Russian countrymen, lend me your money!” he stuttered, to a standing ovation. “Yes, yes, yes, no, yes, we will show the EU how to buy influence and give backhanders to your mates! We will fight them on the beaches, we will overcome, we will we will rock you! More sick people means more overtime for those who are British enough to stay fit and well! Yes! Wiff waff!”

And it’s almost certain that Johnson will claim that this was the intended outcome all along.

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PM to stand next to Farage’s “Breaking Point” poster to remind UK voters why he can’t just let refugees in

WE’RE NOT RACISTS BUT : The UK has cut a decisive path for itself since allowing Nigel Farage to decide its entire policy platform and future. As such a refugee crisis involving largely white people from Europe has proven a most unhelpful event.

“We’ve gained power by activating a deep racist undercurrent in UK society,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “Who can recall the day Nigel Farage revealed his famous Breaking Point poster in the EU referendum campaign back in 2016 and not understand how we got to where we are? And more importantly, how the PM got to be PM in the first place. Recent events in Europe are really unhelpful. It’s incredibly tricky to navigate.”

Luckily for the current administration there is a swathe of famous individuals taking to the airways to explain that this war is different because the refugees are white and so it’s not confusing. Therefore there’s no disconnect to our attitude to Europeans needing assistance en masse and the different approach often taken to people from further away.

“There is still a lot of unwelcome pressure to do more on refugees though,” the source explains. “It’s a bit of a pickle. You have hand chosen Tory MPs selected because they were prepared to endorse Brexit, a deeply racist project with an underbelly that is all hatred of foreigners and here they are demanding we help foreigners? It’s not on really. We got Brexit done. We got it done knowing that the man behind the Breaking Point poster was one of its spiritual architects. But now we’re supposed to let people back in? WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THAT ABOUT? We just don’t get it.”

But to help explain the apparent inability of the UK government to match the swift action of other European states the PM is going to personally make an example of himself.

“Mr Johnson will unveil a new edition of Mr Farage’s Breaking Point poster outside 10 Downing Street today and stand next to it beaming,” the source says. “This way everyone will know why it’s really hard to let anyone into the country and hope to maintain a poll lead.”

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BREAKING : Priti Patel distributes signed photos of herself to Ukrainian refugees in Calais “instead of visas”

RAMPED UP GENEROSITY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has responded to surprising criticism of her department’s inability to react effectively to the latest refugee crisis in Europe by getting “directly involved in a personal and touching way”.

The plan appears to be designed to lift the spirits of people attempting to find sanctuary in the UK, while they negotiate the perfectly reasonable demands of the UK’s refugee visa system, which has been designed to weed out people who “just want to come here for health tourism”.

The new initiative will see everyone waiting to have their fingerprints taken given a signed photo of Priti Patel who has had a new professional portrait taken for just that purpose. Although rumours suggest that the decision to involve photography has led to tension with the Foreign Secretary Liz Truss who is understood to demand “Instagram and other social media platforms remain her exclusive policy domain”.

But the Home Office has responded to reports of tension by saying that any criticism is completely unwarranted and once the images of cheerful refugees clasping images of Ms Patel are broadcast on TV the scheme will be expanded to cover any areas in Europe where people are gathering seeking assistance.

“If they want to come to the UK they need to know what life in the UK is like,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “They need to know who will be governing them and waiting for just the right moment to have the Daily Mail start running stories designed to shift the public mood to throwing them right back out again.”

The Prime Minister is thought to have endorsed the scheme, although was critical of the lack of choice of image.

“The PM is leading the world in the response to the crisis in Ukraine, but he’s taken time out of his afternoon wine and cheese schedule to pen a note to Ms Patel encouraging her to make the portraits available in both gloss and matt and for the recipients to decide which one they receive,” a Downing Street source said, on the way to the cheese shop.

“The UK is leading European leaders in the PR campaign to be seen to be doing something. The distribution of the portraits will have them green with envy,” the Home Office spokesman added. “This is ramped up UK generosity in action and the best you can expect from the current government.”

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Inviting Ukrainians into the UK will only encourage Putin to invade Poland, claims Priti Patel

DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT £200: The best way to end a conflict is to refuse to appease a dictator. According to Go Home Secretary Priti Patel, appeasement means housing refugees fleeing from war waged by sociopathic dictators. 

And once you start to accept foreigners across your borders – even deserving ones – you risk creating a free for all, a flood of migrants, a swarm of filthy foreign freeloaders invading willy nilly. These will create strains on the NHS, the education services, and probably everything else that can’t cope because of savage government cuts. 

The trouble is that, once Putin realises that the UK is such a soft touch, he is bound to displace lots more foreigners from lots more countries. This in turn will reveal the failures of the British government, and that is inexcusable. 

“Putin should leave the bullyin’ to me!” smirked Patel. “It’s a sign of strength! It’s about time we were showin’ Uncle Vlad who’s in charge here. He must not be encouraged to do any more invadin’! We will not be puttin’ Putin in control!” 

Patel was convinced of Putin’s intentions. 

“Next thing we know he will be wantin’ to invade Poland!” she shrieked. “If we allow refugees into the UK, then before you know it he will occupyin’ all of Europe, and sendin’ a hundredty dozen and eleventy froggies and krauts over here. That’s not what we voted for! They won’t all pay £50 to get out of Europe free!” 

It’s the end of the world as we know it, she claimed. And it could all be prevented by takin’ a hard line on refugees. 

“We are leadin’ the world as usual!” she boasted. “Closin’ the borders is the only way of tellin’ Putin where we are drawin’ the line! Otherwise it’s Ukraine today, the rest of the world tomorrow, and that simply won’t be happenin’!” 

Bein’ nice is a weakness. Tough on war, tough on the casualties of war. 

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PM unveils “world leading” six point plan to wait until EU countries deal with refugee crisis

GET ON WITH IT : BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has revealed a world leading plan to assist with the dramatic refugee crisis ongoing as the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues.

“No one with a heart could fail to be moved by the images we are seeing,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “This explains the speed at which Downing Street and the Home Secretary are moving.”

The plan is said to be centred on “sound bites” and the “appearance of activity” while in actuality “dragging our heels like a mule”. It’s believed it is motivated by a deep concern that the racists in the PM’s base support will start to “lose their shit and go red in the face on QT” if too many vulnerable people receive British support.

“It’s easier clearly,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “These are white Christians so there’s not all that confusion like in more recent refugee crises. But they’re probably still commies and so…well…if your entire intellectual appetite is the Daily Mail or the Telegraph, it’s a journey to assist anyone.”

But to reinforce the perception that something is being done the actual six points have been stated.

  1. Dither
  2. Delay
  3. Have Liz post pictures on Instagram
  4. PM to pose with soldiers
  5. Create a confusing and mind boggling system to access visas.
  6. Explain how we’re leading the world ad nauseam until it all goes away.

There is also an unpublished seventh point which is understood to be “privately grin like a Cheshire Cat that Putin’s war has swept the Partygate scandals and the alleged pandemic mass fraud by Tory donors right off the front pages.“

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Europe must stand together, says man who staked his career on splitting it up

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR OWN DESTINY: Until the rest of the world unites and forces us to take sides. Are we to follow the right course, and unite? Or follow the money? 

No. Global Britain leads, indeed it MUST lead, or Brexit was all for nothing. And that can never be true. 

One man who knows this less well than anyone else is the country’s figure-arse and Clown Prince, Boris Johnson. If ever there is a man who cannot see the connection between his actions and their consequences, it is he. 

“England must stand alone and get Ukraine done!” he declared. “When we all stand together, we are stronger, erm, yes, no, well, apart from England which is stronger alone, you see, quod facit memorandum, vaccines!, the wicked EU has been holding us back, and front, and a bit off the sides. Leave enough to mess up, you know, vaccines!, save my bacon, mmm, bacon sandwiches, mmm, wiff waff, no, no, no, no, yes!”

It’s almost as if Churchill himself were reincarnated, to speak gibberish while pissed as fuck on premium Russian vodka. 

“Yes, no, yes, possibly, who knows, I certainly don’t,” he continued reassuringly. “There’s a thing to be done, which we will do, eventually, there, I’ve said it, that means we are faster than the EU, and it’s a jolly good job we left, so we can tell them to stand up to Putin with us, so we work together, which we couldn’t do when we were in the EU, just because. So there!”

What Johnson can’t admit is that he only ripped the UK out of the EU so that he could continue to receive Russian bribes. So he can’t take serious action without losing face or losing money or losing power. As those are the only things that motivates him, apart from recreational drugs and rumpy-pumpy, his only course of action is to dither until it all blows over. Which could take years, of course. 

Meanwhile, the USA is bypassing the UK to deal with the EU direct, in order to counter the threats from the East. Super lightweight Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has also been bypassed, to such an extent that she has been spamming the world with photos from outside rooms where the real diplomacy is taking place. 

England stands alone. All alone. Sad and unfriended. Sovereignty! freedom! Hey… hello! hello!… anybody there?… hello? 

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Britain is going further than anyone else to protect starving Russian oligarchs, claims Tory MP

THE FASTEST RESPONSE IN EUROPE: Britain is doing more to help the most needy during the current Ukraine invasion crisis. Yes, people may be losing their homes, their livelihoods and their lives, but there is a bigger issue here, one Tory MP has claimed.

“Many important Russians will be losing a lot of money in this crisis,” claimed unprominent back bencher and ERG wannabe Rushin Plant. Plant cites a report from a Misplaced Focus Group, of which he is also an unprominent member.

“Won’t somebody please think of the oligarchs?” Plant pleaded. “Yes, there may well be refugees and bombs and stuff, but the real sufferers are the starving benevolent wealthy Russians who fund the Red Army. Think of the billions of roubles sunk into tanks and uniforms and the suchlike. That’s an incredible investment, and they deserve to see a proper return on their money!”

Plant praises the UK’s swift and generous action. “Boris Johnson has, as ever, trodden the fine line with outrageous success,” he claimed. “By talking tough, he has mollified the rest of the world, and cocked a snook at the EU. He has also acted to protect valuable Russian assets. By agreeing sanctions, but giving Russians enough time to move their allegedly ill-gotten gains, he has balanced the twin demands of immediate action and of protecting his paymasters.”

Plant is not the only Tory to praise the government’s swift inaction. Many others, allegedly in receipt of large sums of Russian money, backed Plant as openly as they dare. “One must not be too hasty in judging the rights and wrongs of the situation,” said the equally obscure Tory MP Vlad E. Vostok. “There are good and bad people on both sides!”

In the end, we are all going to have to live with Russian corruption and the pollution of democracy.

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Putin said to fear he’s so discredited he’ll soon be “a presenter on GB News”

DEAD END GAME : Russian dictator and alleged major funder of the Conservative and Unionist Party, Vladimir Putin, is said to be deeply concerned his time working as one of Death’s star employees maybe coming to an end.

The decision to invade Ukraine has summoned up distinct 1939 vibes in Europe and across the world. It’s possible the master manipulator may have finally overplayed his hand as he adds to what is an already impressive scorecard of killing innocent people.

“He may also have overpaid for Western politicians,” an insider tells LCD Views. “He’s been shelling out for pliable Western politicians for over a decade and they’re currently not coming through. They really came through for Brexit. They came up trumps for Trump. They collectively turned a largely blind eye to mass killing in Syria. Although that was easier as the people weren’t European and it was all very confusing. But maybe he’s given them all a reason to just dump him and keep the cash. Shocking.”

One thing Mr Putin has achieved is everyone talking about him, but perhaps not in the way he imagined.

“He needs an out strategy,” the insider acknowledges, “as there is no possible win now he’s launched the slaughter in Europe. It was a complete shock that after nearly a decade of fighting against him the Ukrainians didn’t just line the streets and welcome the baffled Russian conscripts in. Who would have thought it? Now he either has to level the country and claim a mountain of corpses wanted him to free them from fascism, or retreat. Still, at least petrol is costing a lot more. If only we could ship it.”

But it seems the real fear for the aged bareback bear rider maybe exile in the West.

“He will need a safe country to flee too soon if the oligarchs’ kids can’t get to their yachts in the Med. The UK looks good. It’s got all sorts of wannabe fash going on in government. But even that comes with anxiety as it seems the only safe space that will be left for him is the same safe place for all the other washouts. A presenter on GB News. There’s no coming back from that.”