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PM “distraught” after news Sue Gray Partygate report was being stored under O2 Arena’s roof

SAFE KEEPING NEVER GOT SAFER : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a “disordered” and “panicked” state this morning, just like every other morning, after Storm Eunice ploughed through the United Kingdom leaving a path of devastation in its wake unrivalled by all but Mr Johnson’s daily attempts at governance.

But even as the clean up begins there are troubling reports for the Prime Minister. First and foremost it appears the storm was unable to clear the backlog of lorries winding out of Dover and clogging up the arteries and veins of the UK’s trade network.

“We had expected the winds to at least take a few trucks out of the queue,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But no. Which is just bloody typical, given it has EU in its name. We didn’t want to be part of the storm anyway just because of the name. And here we are? What exactly were the benefits of being involved in such an international event if it doesn’t blow away pissed off truckers?”

And there’s even worse news with the breaking story that the damage to the O2 Arena’s roof has had unintended consequences.

“It’s a crying shame,” the spokesman agrees. “All the copies of the Sue Gray report, and the little USB sticks the backups were stored on, were being stored for safekeeping under the O2 Arena’s roof. They’re all gone. Blown into the Thames and the alleyways of Greenwich. We advise anyone finding sheets of paper covered in damning evidence of the 10 Downing Street lockdown rule breaking to walk on by. Just keep going. To hold them in the light of day could be incredibly toxic. Especially for the Prime Minister.”

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Boris Johnson pledges to stay on as PM because “he can’t fail upwards any further”

REALLY DENSE CEILING : The United Kingdom’s highest profile underachiever, and also its Prime Minister, Boris de Waffle Johnson, has put paid to ramped up speculation that he and his latest wife will soon be moving out of the famous old address in the centre of London, before the marriage concludes in the same way as all of his other ones.

Speaking at the launch of his Chancellor’s newest montage of lockdown rule breaking party photos the Prime Minister got his big gnashers into the hot question on everyone’s lips, of whether or not he’ll soon just fuck off and leave us to start cleaning up his massive mess?

“To where?” he asked, displaying an incisive mind undimmed by the rigours of office. “I’m already playing the part of the ageing hero who takes a princess as wife to recharge the old batteries. What else is there for me to do? If you can think of somewhere I could go then let me know. I am fresh out of ideas. I’ve spent my entire career failing upwards and it seems I’ve hit the ceiling. I’ll have to stay on as PM unless a way can be found to get me into the line of succession to the throne. I’d be absolutely chuffed to fail as King.”

The suggestion that he could leave 10 Downing Street to someone who both “gives two shits” and is capable of producing “one or both of them” will though put sudden and unexpected pressure on the Palace.

“The Queen is just waiting him out,” an unconfirmed Palace spokesman told LCD Views. “Those fortnightly meetings are appalling. If shoving Charles back a step means Johnson might leave 10 Downing Street then it’s worth looking into. Wouldn’t you say? But only if she doesn’t have to adopt him.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg to be Minister for Waiting for 50 Years for Brexit Benefits

ALL THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT: Fifty years is not a long time. Ask the dinosaurs. They are really feeling the benefits of that asteroid now.

The dinosaurs in Downing Street have little of this subtlety. Parliament’s little joke on itself, Jacob Rees-Mogg, naturally assumes that the rest of the world remembers the Regency Period like he does. Another mere fifty years means nothing to members of the Undead.

Rees-Mogg is already in charge of governmental periwigs and blunderbusses. His new role will sit nicely alongside his current job as Witchfinder-General and Chief Enabler Of Governmental Efficient Embezzlement.

It’s a responsibility which Rees-Mogg will be able to discharge without lifting a finger. For this, he will be richly rewarded. This is how life is, huge benefits for doing precisely sod all. There is a nice rule of inverse accountability happening here. The less you actually contribute, the more you earn, and vice versa. This applies equally to the lower orders, who must work their fingers to the bone simply in order to be permitted to survive. Meanwhile, Rees-Mogg pockets your meagre wages on your behalf.

Rees-Mogg once claimed that it would take fifty years for the Brexit Benefits to become apparent. However, he is now a living contradiction since his new role is the first genuine Brexit Benefit to become apparent.

Oddly enough, the Clandestine Brexit Opportunities Commander job, advertised so long ago has still not been filled. Maybe only one so thoroughly steeped in hypocrisy and doublespeak as Rees-Mogg could actually survive in the job without exploding under the strain of the paradox.

Fifty years is no time. An enterprising individual could be born, schooled, married, have a career, have children, and be three quarters of the way to a peaceful retirement in that time. Think of Brexit as the birth, and your pension as the benefits.

So long as the Tory government hasn’t raided your pension fund while you were getting on with life.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to spend his time left in office focusing on his “legacy”

SINKING SHITS : WORLD BEATING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is said to have gotten his political affairs in order and to be focused on making the best of his time left in 10 Downing Street.

While press reports declare the UK’s worst Prime Minister since the last one, Theresa May, is in a bullish and confrontational mood, Downing Street insiders report a more mature appreciation of his political fate.

“All political careers end in failure,” a recently departed 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views. “And some failures are bigger than others. Take ‘the Boss’ as an example. He’s failed the entire country.”

But personal failure is no obstacle to Boris Johnson and he is incapable of recognising it. Which explains his hitherto success.

“He’s now going to focus on his legacy,” the staffer remarks. “What is he leaving behind? Clearly the gold wallpaper, but what of his works?”

What of his works indeed as the United Kingdom enters a period of splendid isolation not rivalled since the early 1900’s and living costs become unsustainable for all but the inheritance millionaires who appear to believe that looting the country is what governance is all about.

“Just how big a bin fire can one man leave behind?” the staffer wonders. “With Boris Johnson we’ve the right man at the right time to find out. I would expect it to be visible from space. Actually, it already is if you are orbiting over the Dover lorry queues.”

Some Prime Ministers attempt to govern in the public interest, but Mr Johnson has proven himself to be something entirely different to most.

“He’s going to adopt a scorched earth policy as his legacy,” the staffer says. “He will take the entire Conservative Party down with him if he gets it right. But that’s dependent on how long they let him drag out the longest political death in British history.”

But if he can get it right he’ll at least leave behind a legacy many will celebrate as they stand in the food and fuel ration lines.

“After all, leave means leave. It’s just that Mr Johnson is a little hard of hearing. Let’s hope he’s physically dragged out.”

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BREAKING: Putin threatens Tory Party with sanctions worth millions over Ukraine

BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES: The UK reigns. Ukraine. It’s in the name. Ukraine is part of England. And little tinpot dictators who pose shirtless on horses would be well advised to remember that.

Major Tory donor and sometime petty despot Vladimir Putin has threatened to stop funding Downing Street parties unless Boris Johnson backs him up. He wants Johnson to get onside with his plans to extend the influence of Global Russia. Ukraine must be rescued from the claws of possible EU membership. The unicorns of beneficial trade deals and free movement must be rejected, in order to align with the values of the Spartan East.

“Less is more!” Putin reminded wavering Ukrainians, while absently jingling a bag of gold coins. “Do you want to be soft Westerners, sucking on the teat of cheap French wine and siestas? Or align with your old masters in the East, and become strong through hardship and war? Let’s take back control!”

The argument thus won, Putin now wishes to put pressure on Johnson, his not-so-secret ally in the soft West. “Remember, Boris Stanovitch, that the flow of weapons-grade Russian vodka is dependent upon your agreement!” he is rumoured to have said.

Johnson is said to have leaped to attention faster than if six gorgeous naked blonde fillies had started to remove his trousers. Five minutes, and a couple of shots of Putin’s best later, the PM was ready to face the ordeal of recording a message straight to camera.

“Well, yes, no, er, well, yes, wiff waff, lorem ipsum, vaccines!” he declared in his best Churchillian manner. “It is my, erm, what’s the word, duty, yes, duty, is that the right word? what does it mean? OK, well, it is our solemn duty to support levelling up across the globe! And it’s only fair to lend Mr Putin a couple of our spare tanks to, erm, well, level up Ukraine.”

After all, Brokeback Mountain won’t level itself up.

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UC rule change means PM has just weeks to find work as clown after leaving Downing Street

SEND IN THE CLOWN : OUTGOING British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is rumoured to have applied for the job of court jester at Buckingham Palace in an attempt to get ahead of his widely anticipated career change.

The move by Mr Johnson blows a whole through criticisms that he is unable to forecast or understand the consequences of his actions, and is in response to the coming changes to Universal Credit. The reduction of the time allowed to seek work in your chosen profession (before losing what little money is provided) from three months to four weeks, is expected to hit not only the PM but many Tory MPs hard.

Court Jesters were banished from court under the kingship of Charles I who was also unable to understand the point of a parliament or a jester. Some would say though that Mr Johnson needs a straight talking, honest individual nearby in a desperate attempt to make him see his job is not to be a clown, but to be a prime minister. But some say a lot of things.

“No one should be concerned that Mr Johnson will find himself working on a soft fruit farm or driving a lorry. The UC changes are to punish the hardworking British citizen for allowing Brexit to happen in the first place. And at any rate, one more year of Brexit and farming will have successfully concluded within the UK,” a source inside the Government told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson could in theory find himself picking raspberries and living in a draughty caravan on a moor. They could even make a reality TV series about it called ‘Britain’s Last Farm’, but it’s unlikely he would do any work so it would be pointless. It’s best too for the collapse of UK food security to happen out of the headlines and off the screens. The morale of the country is more important. Happily for the PM he can likely continue as is, just at a different ancient address.”

Suggestions that the changes to the Universal Credit conditions are a direct result of telling millions of EU citizens to fuck off, with zero preparation for the fallout or to face the karmic avalanche that would follow, have been dismissed out of hand by insane people who still love Brexit.

“There’s plenty of people just laying about the UK doing nothing and receiving public money,” one critic hit back. “Just look at Jacob Rees-mogg and how he conducts himself in Parliament.”

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BREAKING : British man unaware “party is over” and it’s “time to go”

GET THE HINT : A British man has been judged slowest ever to get the hint that the party is over.

The individual concerned is said to be “shabby in habits and character” and determined to outstay his welcome to a degree determined as “world beating”.

It is believed numerous individuals have attempted to drop increasingly unsubtle hints that the party is over. The failure to get through has even led to the police being called in the hope he’ll stop blathering on and bugger off.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” an eyewitness told LCD Views. “It could not be clearer he’s outstayed his welcome and he needs to leave, but he just pretends not to notice and keeps ordering more booze delivered.”

The party the “burning haystack of humanity” is understood to be at is located at a plush central London address recently redecorated at great expense without “any discernible taste”.

“We’re going to have to ramp up our efforts to get through to the self-centred sod that is idea of a good time is his alone,” the witness confirms. “It’s hard to see how much clearer we can be. We may have to hire a fat lady to sing as old hat references and sayings appear to be the only things he understands.”

When asked who is footing the bill for the festivities we were advised, “Everyone. The whole country. It’s becoming bloody tedious. I’ve never seen someone so unable to understand it’s time to fuck off in my whole life. The music stopped long ago but he’s just standing there with a traffic cone on his head talking about Shakespeare.”

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PM promises Tory MPs he will change mistresses to fight cost of living crisis

LEOPARDS AND SPOTS : World beating British Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe on the ropes but he’s not yet down, which will please the people currently battering him.

This entirely fabricated report, based on the PM’s well documented past activities, can reveal that in an imaginary and close meeting last night inside the headquarters of the 1922 coven the Prime Minister regaled Tory rebels with stories of his “Falstaffian capacity for indecency” and “carousing”. The references led to many of the newer selection of Tory MPs, elected in 2019 to GET BREXIT DONE, reaching for their smart phones to search for meaning.

“It was a tour de force,” one insider told LCD Views. “It was the old Boris back and swinging. Everyone there was left with the distinct impression that the government of the UK was on a steady course. The direction remains completely unclear, but that’s what was so reassuring.”

And to prove he isn’t removed from the day to day struggles of the hardworking patriots of Britain Mr Johnson revealed a keen awareness of the cost of living crisis.

“I was in the toilet at the time looking up carousing, but I heard rumours after that the PM promised to change mistresses. This will be all that is needed to prove he understands the impact of the high energy costs and looming tax rises on the voters.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will install his next mistress in “much cheaper accommodation and there’ll be no messy divorces and marriages. No gold wallpaper next time. Potentially S925, so still shiny, but nowhere near as extravagant.”

The promise to reign in the PM’s spending to bring it inline with ordinary people may have a potential downside.

“Donors anxious to get in the PM’s good graces for no particular reason at all maybe alarmed though,” the source muses. “His financial incontinence and inability to see consequences in any sphere, personal, business or government, is what has made him so attractive. If he really does lower his cost of living it could lead to a crisis in the actual way the UK is currently governed.”

Exactly who the PM has his eye on isn’t known but, “Given he’s pretty much screwed the entire country in his brief time in office it’ll be a short list indeed.”

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No PM is better than a bad PM

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD: Who will be the next foolhardy soul to take the poisoned chalice? Who wants a job, doomed to failure, lived out in the glare of publicity? Which gullible sap wants to inherit Boris Johnson’s grotesquely tarnished Crown? 

It is often said that nature abhors a vacuum. Although this is only true in the case of Mr Dyson’s machines. 

There is, as one notable nonentity recently asserted, a moral vacuum in government. It could be argued that there is an actual vacuum between the ears of many backbenchers. That incessant noise emanating from every newsstand? It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And of a house of cards, slowly and inexorably toppling. 

Which empty vessel will wish to preside over the wanton collapse of this once great nation? Who is vain, stupid, arrogant and deluded enough to volunteer to hammer the final nail into the UK’s coffin? Apart from Liz Truss, of course. 

To be quite honest, nobody could do a worse job than Boris Johnson. In which case it might be time for nobody to lead the country.

There are plenty of advantages to this arrangement. There would be no more porky pies at PMQs. No vague, waffled press conferences. No excruciating dressing up opportunities. No Boris Johnson. 

Against that, nothing would get done, no decisions would be made. So no change there. 

It’s hard to see how the lack of an actual leader could be worse than a lack of leadership. The ship of state is in deep trouble. The rats are finally realising and starting to leave. But the captain is insisting that if he goes down, the ship will go with him. There is no iceberg, and even if there is an iceberg, it won’t do any harm, and even if it holes the ship and sinks it, nobody told the captain that would happen. 

Maybe having a nobody in charge is worse than having nobody.

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“Downing Street parties were to celebrate success of vaccine roll out,” says Downing Street inquiry

GOOD NEWS IF TRUE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to get ahead of the Sue Gray report into Downing Street parties by having a fictional source reveal the findings of its own non-existent inquiry into the Downing Street lockdown rule busting parties.

The report has been titled “If the house is a rocking don’t bother knocking!” after a famous 80’s popular music hit beloved of the PM, and the title sets the tone for the content.

“We were in a mood to celebrate,” the report details after interviewing no one. “Dead people had piled up across the country because old Bojo really could care less, and other dead people would do so in even greater magnitude in the coming months, so if we couldn’t celebrate before that happened when could we?”

This will be considered a fair explanation by the Mail and the Sun, which is all that really matters. But there’s more.

“We had to pop a few corks to celebrate the success of the UK’s ramped up vaccine roll out. Because it was bound to be a great success when it happened. Who can blame us? Some of you, indeed many of you, are only alive today as a result of it. You were in danger of dying as a result of a decision to make masks a culture war battleground, just think yourself lucky the PM hedged his bets! And at the time we conceived of vaccinating against a potentially lethal virus no one else was even thinking about it. We essentially saved humanity. We should be commended, not nitpicked at over a few close friends sharing a glass of fizz. So why don’t you all just get back into your boxes and doff those caps.”

How much the report will protect the PM against the Gray report isn’t yet clear though, with Sue’s masterpiece due for delivery tomorrow.

“If she focuses on reality we’re screwed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Thankfully the UK abandoned reality way back on the 24th June 2016, so there’s hope for the old blonde boofhead yet. By the way, have I mentioned the UK’s vaccine roll out? We’re ahead of the world. Except for the parts of it that we’re now behind.”