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Deportation of refugees to Rwanda to be centrepiece of 2022 VE Day celebrations

YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO : No one can forget the wonderful conga lines of the 2020 VE Day celebrations as the novel virus weaved its way through the UK’s cities, towns and villages. Global Britons got out the bunting and thumbed their noses at the basic reality of how a virus spreads, encouraged by their government.

“We showed the world who we were that day and we’ve not stopped since,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We didn’t even have a vaccine then but we weren’t letting the prospect of tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths stop us having a party! And this year we’re going to show the world again what is important to us.”

While many had expected May 8th to be a sombre and reflective day this year, what with war raging in the east of Europe, 10 Downing Street is thought to be minded to use the day to really “own the libs”.

“What an opportunity to get partygate off the headlines,” the source enthuses. “And what an opportunity to make sure that everyone on Earth can see that access to refuge in the UK is very much colour coded. You can’t get more Brexit than that.”

It’s believed the ‘Go Home Vans’ that announced Theresa May’s principles as she took control of the Home Office, will be given a bit of “spit and polish” and refitted with images of desperate people in the English Channel.

“It’ll be a story board style public declaration as the vans tour the country,” the source explains. “The first van will show images of refugees from WW2. The second Nigel Farage’s famous ‘Breaking Point’ poster and after that it’ll be people in the English Channel going straight into camps far, far away. Once they’re out of sight, they’re out of mind. At least that is what we hope will happen. It doesn’t really matter what happens to them, just so long as the screaming void in Priti Patel’s soul is fed each and every day.”

The Prime Minister is expected to drive the first van because “fetishising WW2 is what he does”, even if his every act as PM shows he learned none of the lessons of that horrible conflict.

“Mr Johnson sees himself as the Pied Piper of refugees. He’s really enthusiastic about it. Their potential to excite his supporters is an opportunity too good to miss and should help push Partygate far away from the headlines.”

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BREAKING : PM to appear on new postage stamps showing defiance to lockdown laws during pandemic

PARTY LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW : THE UK’S LAW BREAKING PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is to appear on a set of new postage stamps to be (forcibly) issued by the Royal Mail, an unreliable and invented source claims.

The stamps are aimed at capitalising on the PM’s “staying power” in No 10 and his “easy attitude to lawbreaking in high office”. It’s thought they will also really show the “plebs who is boss” ahead of the May local elections.

But controversy is set to accompany the release of the stamps as the Queen’s head will be replaced by Carrie Johnson’s in the top corner.

“Boris lied to the Queen and stayed in power. Carrie went from mistress to girlfriend to wife in the blink of an eye. Who would have thought a young lady that was present at the launch of the Conservative Friends of Russia group would have risen so high and so fast? It’s right she features in a symbolic way.”

The cost of the new stamps will also be novel with the usual pounds and pence value replaced by a broken heart to symbolise the people who were dying of the virus while the PM and mates held their parties.

“It’s likely the stamps will be issued free of charge,” the source adds. “The British people have already paid a high price for them.”

On a happier note though the stamps will mark a return to traditional British postage.

“It will only be possible to affix these stamps to an envelope or parcel by licking the backside,” the source informs. “There won’t be any of that newfangled ready glue on the back of them that is activated simply by removing the backing paper. You’ll literally have to lick Johnson’s backside to use the stamps.”

It’s believed the stamps will be intensely popular among Tory MPs and other “arselickers” who keep Johnson in power no matter how egregiously he undermines the rule of law, representative democracy and the UK’s international standing.

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Rishi Sunak ”marked safe” from being sacked after breaking the same law as Boris Johnson

MIRROR IMAGES : BRITAIN’S MOST ECONOMICALLY ILLITERATE CHANCELLOR SINCE THE LAST TORY CHANCELLOR, RISHI SUNAK, is said to be feeling “safe” and “happily styling his hair again” this morning after reaching a mental “happy place” over the Partygate fines.

Speculation had been building for some time that both the Prime Minister and the born to rule power pack of neoliberal economic horseshit, aka Sunak, may have to resign their positions in disgrace if found guilty of breaking the lockdown law. Happily for both men they retain the support of Tory colleagues who “can no longer recognise anything approaching dignity” or their duty to uphold representative democracy.

It does not necessarily mean the Chancellor will stay on though after his plan to “squeeze the last ounce of aspiration and cash” out of the great unwashed has been made more tricky by his family’s tax affairs.

“We’re taking it one day at a time,” an unreliable and likely invented source inside No 11 Downing Street told LCD Views. “We are continuing in our power struggle with Mr Johnson and hope that leaking more information about lawbreaking inside No 10 won’t backfire next time. As soon as Johnson finishes playing at being a war leader we’ll go again. We’ve got the time and we’ve got the money.”

Quite what the British public is supposed to make of the gross hypocrisy at the highest levels of government isn’t a concern.

“People will be too busy collecting firewood from the commons to heat their dirty hands over in their frozen living rooms to worry about what their betters are up to.”

An added advantage of refusing to resign for both breaking the law and misleading parliament is that it’s another “notch of Johnson’s governmental bedhead”.

“He’s basically shagged democratic accountability senseless by lying to the Queen and getting away with. Also by taking the country out of the EU on the back of a pack of lies. So to have been found to have been criminally partying while most people did the right thing and stayed home really shows the British public is complete and absolute determination to screw them senseless. They keep voting for us. They must want it.”

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Boris Johnson to resign in a specific and limited way

RESIGNED TO HIS FATE: Boris Johnson is today’s Cnut. He stands proudly on the red, white and blue sands, holding up his hand in a futile gesture to command the tide. The waves are coming up the beach. They are round Boris Johnson’s ankles and rising swiftly. 

“Nothing to see here,” he assures us, lashing out defensively. “I am secure, feet on solid ground, the tide is turning, no no no! don’t look at the water!, cogito ergo sum, erm, vaccines!! Wiff waff! Have you met my new bezzy mate Zelensky yet?” 

We have absolute proof, as if it were needed, of Prime Ministerial fibbing. Both Johnson and Wishy Washy Rishi Sunak have been fined for attending illegal parties that, according to both, never happened. 

Obviously this is a resigning offence for both. But Johnson has his excuses ready, if nothing else. 

“If I was at these parties, which I wasn’t, as they didn’t happen, and were work meetings with booze, karaoke and disco, which I knew nothing about, even though I was there, IN A SUIT BECAUSE I WAS WORKING, and it’s all a complete fiction anyway, what do the police know, they’re only experts after all, then obviously I would have to resign, but I won’t, because I wasn’t even there, and it’s all the fault of the last Labour government, and it’s not fair!” he waffled. 

He recovered himself slightly, shifting unsteadily as the waters approached his waist. 

“I’m sorry if anyone feels that I’ve done anything wrong,” he continued. “I’ve said what has to be said, there will be no resignations, well Rishi will have to go, of course, but for myself, I’m only resigning in a specific and limited way. By which I mean, it’s time to move on, I’m still Prime Minister, and nobody can stop me!” 

The rest of his speech was lost as he disappeared below the briny waters. 

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First child conceived and born in Dover lorry queue to start school in Dover lorry queue

SCHOOL OF LIFE : Little LUCILLE McTAGGART, 4, is to start school today in what is seen as heralding a “new age” in the history of the Dover Lorry Queue.

Lucille’s parents, Barb and Barry “Bazz” McTaggart, met in the early stages of the endless traffic jam and say they “bonded immediately over the tangible benefits of Brexit”. While some have decried the ending of seamless trade with continental Europe, in preference for the pursuit of the fantasy trade deal with Somewhere championed by the UK’s biggest Instagram star, Liz Truss, Barb and Bazz won’t hear a word against it.

“If it wasn’t for the self-defeating and cretinous decision to Brexit our little angel wouldn’t have been born in the first place,” Barb told LCD Views. “From the moment Bazz showed me his mobile phone data allowance and offered to let me keep warm in his cab binging on Netflix, while we waited for our paperwork to be checked by the single UK Custom’s officer hired to deal with Brexit completed his training, I knew something special had begun.”

It seems the pair initially watched the entirety of German dystopian sci-fi thriller ‘Dark’ before moving onto classic American output ‘The Tiger King’ when they realised “just outside Dover is where we live now.”

Their trucks were eventually welded together to create a two-story townhouse with both cabs facing in opposite directions in homage to the ‘push me pull you’ llamas that feature in Doctor Doolittle – “the first film we watched while waiting for clearance to board a ferry that never sailed. But that’s okay because the oil tanker of love had already pulled into port. All aboard!”

“We hope Lucille will be the first child to graduate from University in the Dover truck queue,” Bazz added, “I would once have thought I’d have wanted any child of mine to join me in the freight business, but thanks to Boris Johnson that’s a fucking shambles.”

We did ask Lucille for comment over her feelings on starting school but all she did was roll up her sleeve and show us a tattoo of a love heart that contained the words “Mum and Dad” before changing the family home’s oil, and siphoning off some diesel fuel from her neighbours.

“She’s a cheeky one,” Barb admits, “but you’ve got to make your own fun in Brexitannia. Not many children get to grow up knowing they’re only alive because of the overwhelming idiocy of 52% of the UK voting population on one day during which social media manipulation, electoral fraud, outside interference, Empire nostalgia, racism, the horse shoe of delusional far left and far right political leadership, and catastrophic economic illiteracy by Tory MPs like Sunak and Redwood came together to make a Kremlin bankrolled, frog faced fucktard’s dreams of national isolation come true, but Lucille McTaggart is one.”

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BREAKING : Dover lorry queue declares independence from U.K. and applies to join EU

A NATION OF TRAFFIC QUEUES : DOWNING STREET’S plans to criminalise UK-EU trade have hit an unexpected obstacle today after the thousands of truckers stuck in Dover decided to declare themselves a nation state and additionally declare universal independence from the United Kingdom.

It was believed by Prime Minister Johnson and Home Secretary Priti Patel that they were about to score an easy PR win in the field of crime and punishment by arresting 10’s of 1,000’s of truck drivers all at once under new laws aimed to make the most of Brexit, and end cross channel trade for good in preference of trade deals with distant Narnia. But the sudden declaration by the truckers has caused “mayhem” inside the Executive.

Speaking to the press this morning the representative of the “The People’s Republic of Truckers” said that they had been “stuck so long in the Brexit tailback” that many had “formed new families and indeed a distinctive and unique cultural identity”. It is thought the first births of babies conceived in the massive and endless customs queue was the trigger to declaring themselves a nation state.

“We will be writing our constitution on red tape,” the representative said, “as it’s the sudden and horrifying growth of Brexit red tape demolishing our once seamless trade links with the Continent that forced the world’s newest nation state into being.”

Quite what the Prime Minister will do is not yet clear, although many believe he will be happy to see the formation of the The People’s Republic of Truckers as it takes care of an unsolvable problem caused by his Brexit.

“We look forward to welcoming the UK’s biggest Instagram celebrity, Liz Truss, to our new country and trust that a comprehensive free trade deal can be agreed in rapid time. But first we have to join the EU so she has to negotiate with Barnier.”

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Boris Johnson to claim asylum in Ukraine

THE ASYLUM HAS TAKEN OVER THE LUNATICS: With his unpopularity at an all time high, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for an exit strategy. A good one. One that allows him to leave his disastrous term as Prime Minister behind, without the ignominy of resigning. 

The war in Ukraine, triggered right on cue by his psycho pal Putin, offered him an opportunity. The world’s spotlight is on Eastern Europe, conveniently close to Russia, and far enough away so that only the most sycophantic media can be bothered with him. 

Here, a simple walkabout in the deserted streets of Kyiv with today’s hero Volodymyr Zelensky, was just what Johnson was looking for. Publicity shots over, media bootlickers safely barricaded in their hotel rooms getting wasted on bootleg vodka, here was his big chance. 

Nobody knows exactly what passed between the two men in the presidential bunker. Certainly not Johnson, whose memory and mouth are in no way connected. Zelensky was not revealing anything, either, although his stony demeanour indicated something extremely unpleasant. 

Most reliable reports, or at least, the least unreliable ones, suggest that Johnson intended to claim asylum in Ukraine. And Zelensky, who wished Johnson a million miles away, was unable to refuse. 

Johnson will be able to hide in a whole country, instead of the traditional walk-in fridge. From this safe vantage point he will be able to watch the UK crash and burn, without being there when it happens. His loyal army of social media bots (paid for by Putin) will be able to assert that this only happened because of Johnson’s absence. 

In a sense this might be true. The crashing and burning would happen much faster with Johnson in charge. 

And when the whole sorry business is over, he can call Uncle Vlad to rescue him, his work done. 

And then Putin can send him to the gulags. 

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Priti Patel to become Chancellor because she has a great head for numbers

I’LL HAVE ONE NUMBER FROM THE TOP ROW, RACHEL, AND FIVETY FROM ANYWHERE ELSE: And with any luck you will be able to calculate Priti Patel’s chances of becoming Chancellor. With Rishi Sunak under pressure after outing himself as a typical Tory, the search is on for a safer pair of hands. The Countdown is on. 

Patel herself is under pressure at the Home Office, being a bit too hostile and misanthropic even for Conservatives to stomach. Many feel she would be better suited to banishing money to far-off lands, instead of people. 

“I would say that she is odds-on favourite for the job,” claimed financial commentator Algie Brah. “Or is it evens? Are the odds evens? Does the Prime Minister know? Anyway, it all adds up. Patel will make a fantastic Chancellor. Her numerical skills are firsteth rate, and she is excellent at division!” 

Patel would have to square a lot of circles. This might be difficult, even for her, given that the sole abacus owned by the Treasury is (allegedly) still calibrated in Imperial measures. 

“It’s definitely a conundrum,” admitted Brah. “There’s no cash available to spaff on log tables or slide rules. And only 30 seconds to solve it. Patel is planning to kidnap – I mean, employ – Ukrainian boffins to calculate the value of all the backhanders in brown envelopes distributed by Putin. The rouble is changing value all the time, and the government needs to know their value in Sterling. For their accountants, you know. Got to keep on top of one’s undeclared income.”

An announcement will be made at eleventeen minutes past midnoon o’clock this Sunderingday. 

There will be hell to pay, of course. Just to have Patel on the government’s books will cost us three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds. 

And that’s Numberwang. 

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Boris Johnson to solve cost of living crisis by declaring it to be over

WE GOT THE COST OF LIVING CRISIS DONE: Prime Minister and dietary expert Boris Johnson has solved the cost of living crisis. He has simply decided that, since he can still afford to live, that there is no crisis any more. 

After all, he Got Brexit Done by allowing all the extensions and grace periods to expire. He Got Covid Done by losing interest in it as soon as the clamour got too loud. 

Crisis? What crisis? is his cry. As every child all over the world knows, if you close your eyes, whatever you were looking at disappears. Johnson is no longer looking at the crisis. Therefore, it doesn’t exist. The logic is impeccable.

Having decided upon a strategy, however feeble, Number Ten is sticking to it through thick and thin. Or at least until the outcry becomes too much, and the tabloids begin to report on it. 

“You simply have to believe in better,” admitted the famous anonymous Downing Street Source. “Think yourself warm. Think yourself well fed. Urge your car to run on empty. It’s not hard!” 

What does the Source say about actual people actually freezing and starving to death in Britain right now? 

“These alleged people are not believing hard enough,” chided the Source. “They must be lefties, remainers, unpatriotic country-haters, do-gooding Guardian readers who want the country to fail. If such faithless losers die, then what is it to us? We will be stronger and better off without them!” 

That’s not much help, to be fair. 

“Lie back and think of England!” said the Source. “Think of the compassion of Priti Patel, the firm competence of Dominic Raab, Nadine Dorries’ effortless command of her brief, and the all-encompassing love of Boris Johnson! I’m getting a nice warm glow right now!” 

They think it’s all over. It is, now. 

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PM planning to ‘lie’ to combat cost of living increases

HOT AIR IN SURPLUS : BRITAIN’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is under pressure to do more to combat the UK’s cost of living increases.

It’s believed the fact that he “just begs donors to pay for all of his stuff” has led him to see food banks and energy poverty as “hilarious”, but that maybe insufficient to combat a drop in his personal polling.

“Clearly all he needs to do now is prominently pretend to be teaching Zelensky how to beat Putin,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s beaten the pandemic by ignoring it. It took a while for that plan to come to fruition but it has. He’s solved Brexit by ignoring it, thanked massively by the UK media and official opposition who can’t even speak about its negative consequences for fear of erupting in flames. But what to do about the insane inflationary pressures affecting voters?”

Lie about it.

“He’s falling back on his classic political strategy,” the source confirms. “If you can’t ignore it then you lie about it. The voters will lap it up and ask for more.”

Whether or not just lying will be sufficient as voters try and decide if their cat is now a luxury item is anyone’s guess, but Britain can be grateful to have a PM willing to “give it a go”.

“The real danger is a temporary cessation of insanity in the global news cycle,” the insider adds. “At the moment old Bojo can latch onto any number of nutters to deflect from being a wrecking ball through the UK economy and living standards. But if things settle down for a bit and domestic news gets to grab the headlines with both hands, well, all his years of training will be put to the test.”

But Downing Street is not idle in the face of the coming storm.

“He’s set up a working party to decide if it’s feasible to blame Brussels for the food riots expected later in the summer,” the source says, “which of course it is. If they’d never forced us into Brexit we wouldn’t be having such a deep labour crisis twinned with massive increases in admin costs to import and export. Whatever an export is.”