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BREAKING : PM to deny EU single market still exists to fight cost of living crisis

WANDERING DRUNK IN THE DARK IN A CRISIS WITH HIS ZIPPER OPEN SCREAMING FOR A SHAG : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to make a great stride into combating the cost of living crisis in the UK today, ahead of tomorrow’s local elections.

Concerns have been building within the cabinet for weeks that the British people may baulk at eating each other and it is time to reinforce the exceptional mindset that got us into this pickle to begin with.

“We can’t face reality now,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we do the party is over.”

A key part of the strategy in helping the public cope with the new realities will be to accelerate the managed decline in their quality of living to the point where a job churning mud while screaming insults about the French is seen as aspirational.

“The UK media is exceptionally helpful, I will say,” the source says. “They rarely if ever mention Brexit and its vicious impact on the UK economy. Sacrifice for the greater good. That’s what it’s all about. We are now in a period of glorious isolation again. This is how you lead the world. But there is a worry that another calamity may not come along fast enough to hide the impact of the Tories attempt to fashify the UK. The pandemic was a real saving grace just as we got Brexit done. Then the war in Ukraine rode in to cover up for the mismanaged pandemic and Brexit. We’re really praying for an asteroid strike somewhere northern now. I personally spend my sleepless nights watching the sky and praying for it. But as yet there’s no light in the sky growing forever brighter before revealing itself as a screaming fireball headed for Yorkshire. Which is a shame.”

While the government waits for cosmic intervention it can at least continue with the tried and tested technique of denying reality and trust in the media’s assistance.

“Mr Johnson will deny the EU single market and customs union still exists,” the source adds. “That’s one way to deal with the cost of living crisis right there. What good would membership of a massive trading bloc a few miles away possibly do for pensioners who are deciding which of their house plants to eat?”

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Downing Street launches inquiry into why there’s so many inquiries into Downing Street

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : The UK’s world beating war leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has announced he is launching an inquiry into why there are so many inquiries under his premiership.

It’s presumed the cause is a “remoaner plot” by “traitors who want to overturn the result of the potatriotic referendum”, but sources close to the Prime Minister state that he believes if he’s to continue to “flog the dead horse of that corrupted vote” for political gain it needs a ring of officialdumb.

The inquiry will be chaired by one of the many epitomes of honesty and integrity within the Conservative cabinet. Michael Gove is a likely chair, although there are many others desperately dragging their personal reputations into the gutter to enjoy the PM’s patronage, and so the field is broad.

Once the inquiry has established that it is “europhiles” behind the spate of sexual and financial scandals eviscerating Mr Johnson’s government it is believed the Home Secretary Priti Patel will be allowed to “purge” civil life of traitors. Anyone protesting her actions will be detained under the new anti-protest laws brought in last week under the cover of Tractorgate.

“Ms Patel is thought to be a key driver of the need for the inquiry into the inquiries,” the source told LCD Views. “She hopes to use anyone found guilty of undermining Brexit to form a kind of floating human chain in the English channel to keep out people who are trying to reach the UK in much the same way as her own parents once did.”

Expectations that Sue Gray will chair the inquiry have been dismissed as she’s “already undertaking her life’s work with Partygate and will be busy until the end of time”, by when it is hoped she will finally manage to catalogue all of Mr Johnson’s parties when everyone else was dying in the pandemic. Especially attention is being paid to what types of cheese and what vintages were present.

The inquiry has been given the nickname “The Mother of Parliaments” as that is thought to be most iconic and should “have the voters getting the bunting out the moment they hear it”.

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Tory MP at centre of porn scandal says “I always open links sent by the PM immediately”

SEEING IS BELIEVING : The Tory MP knee deep in the House of Commons porn scandal has attempted to bed down and take the punishment today, as if it’s something he needs.

Speaking to the press he also attempted to shaft the obvious jokers ready to use the standard Little Britain meme to ridicule his not so private viewings.

“I’ve decided to talk to you from my garden, with plainly farcical excuses and reference to my family so that the memes fall flat when they hit social media,” it was alleged Neil Parish MP told reporters. “Or maybe I saw the famous comedy episode as a ‘How To’ guide? Porn scandals for dummies, if you like.”

The MP went on to talk in greater length about being caught watching porn by his female colleagues.

While we did not have a reporter present, we were able to fabricate what he went on to say.

“Look, it was either an honest mistake that is being used by my political enemies to destroy me or I was sitting there red faced with bunched fists murmuring YES! YES! YES! The inquiry will establish which it is. But I have at least helped distract the public from not only Partygate but also the appallingly undemocratic laws passed by Mr Johnson’s government this week. I expect he’s very grateful to me. He has a large enough majority. He can afford to throw me to the wolves.”

Asked how he happened to open the pornographic link in ignorance he explained,

“I always open text messages sent by the PM immediately,” before pausing and asking, “Sorry, what was the last question again? I was momentarily distracted by a pair of legs.”

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Fears UK government has collapsed after suitcases of Covid cash seized at border

TIN POT GONNA TIN POT : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure this morning to confirm the UK Government still exists after suitcases of Covid cash were seized at the country’s borders.

The giveaway of taxpayers money during the pandemic was of course rigorously overseen by inheritance millionaires and other people who achieved their high positions in public life through sheer hard work and inherent talent. No patriot would suggest otherwise.

Quite how billions in fraud could just be written off with a nonchalant shrug by the PM and Chancellor is not an act worth worrying anyone’s pretty little head over. YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR GAS AND FOOD BILLS ANYWAY. But the attempt to take some of the defrauded cash out of the country in suitcases will raise eyebrows among the usual suspects.

“It’s an example of how robust the controls are at our borders,” a source inside the government told LCD Views. “People should be celebrating. This is exceptionally old school. It should be applauded. Why wire the money overseas in dribs and drabs when you can just fill suitcases with cold hard cash and really get a buzz out of your looming early retirement?”

The timing of the seizures is fortuitous too as British exports have entered a period of mysterious decline.

“This also shows that British exports are booming,” the source continued. “Taking taxpayers money and throwing it overseas to God knows where is completely in keeping with Brexit and proves the country is making a success of it.”

It’s not yet clear what the Treasury will make of the captured cash, but hopes are high they will simply attempt to give it away again to anyone who is prepared to set up a limited company at short notice.

“Rishi won’t be troubled by the news,” the source shrugs. “You don’t write off five billion in fraud without a backward glance if you understand what money is. He exists on a higher fiscal plane and is getting on with the job of delivering on what’s important to the British people. Today he is choosing a new hairstyle.”

Similarly for the Prime Minister, who it is claimed is still in office, the story will not be a concern.

“It’ll give him something to laugh about,” the source adds. “And God knows he needs it.”

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BREAKING : UK Government passes law banning colour televisions by “end of 2024”

IT’S THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE : The UK Government is said to be feeling exceptionally pleased with itself today after it snuck through a new law banning colour televisions while everyone was distracted by waiting for the Sue Gray report.

The ban will be phased in over the next two years with the poorest households in the UK forced to exchange their colour televisions for black and white ones to really get a full feel for the “1970’s style inflation, recession and cost of living crisis” that Mr Johnson’s administration is overseeing.

The ban will move up the household wealth level steadily, although it will be capped at households with an average annual income of over £200,000. The cap is to help reinforce the work of Brexit in taking every day luxuries out of the grasp of middle to low income earners and making them once again the preserve of the rich.

“The Monochrome Law will ensure that just like champagne and tomatoes the little day to day signifiers of change and progress are abolished,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “It’s hard to overemphasise the pain individuals like Mr Johnson experienced growing up and seeing the undeserving classes experience the same inherent liberties as himself. Can you imagine being told you’re the special one all through your childhood only to find some common pleb wandering through the immigration gates at Brussels with freedom of movement just like yourself? It was very harmful. But we’re now putting everyone back in their places. The banning of colour tv is just the latest step backwards for Blighty!”

But internal Tory critics of the new law did force the government into one concession.

“There is a concern that the removal of colour from the lives of Red Wall voters could see some return to Labour. For this reason it will still be possible for people who chose the wrong accident of birth to rent a colour television overnight to watch national festivities such as the Festival of Brexit. These televisions will be available at affordable rates from approved dealers.”

The dealers will be expected to prove a pre-existing relationship with a Conservative MP to be granted licences to “temporarily rent” TV’s to “low food chain strivers” at competitive rates.

“Going backwards to go backwards,” the source adds, “that’s our reason to get up in the morning. Oh, and to lord it over the poor to make ourselves feel good. I’m personally looking forward to downstreaming the food riots on my colour LCD TV.”

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Boris Johnson calls for Winston Churchill to become a saint to distract from Partygate

MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS : THE UK’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS CALLED FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL TO BECOME SAINT WINSTON OF NORTH RUISLIP.

The call to canonise the famous British war leader is seen as “long overdue” by many in the Tory Party’s base who think it will really “wind up the snowflakes” while also “appeasing internal critics.”

While it’s thought the Church of Rome may not be too interested in the idea there is a parallel plan to create a new Church of Brexit and have Pope Mogg do the necessary paperwork.

Quite what miracles will be sighted isn’t yet clear, although “mythologising the memory” of Churchill is sited as sustaining Mr Johnson’s political career in a miraculous way.

“This is a Johnson idea,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the details aren’t important. If he’s still interested in it tomorrow we’ll have some intern smash out a powerpoint display with whatever bullet points they can think of.”

But critics of the move claim that it is only being suggested to distract everyone from the ongoing Partygate scandal which threatens Mr Johnson’s stellar career in a way serial lying, gross hypocrisy, lack of substance, catastrophic management of the pandemic, endless scandals involving IT tutors, economic incontinence so severe the entire economy is at risk, destruction of the UK’s trade base, lying to the Queen, serial cowardice, reduction of the UK’s international stock to junk status, racist immigration policies and attempts to destroy civil liberties has so far left untroubled.

“If it gets him out of Partygate it will be a miracle indeed,” the insider added. “The police holding off reporting if he’s getting anymore fines ahead of the locals is a minor miracle as it is. But by the time he’s finished racking up the fines only intervention from heaven will suffice. By then it will be clear as people died in their 10’s of 1,000’s isolated from their loved ones he was just getting hammered and asking donors to pay for his wallpaper. Which is personal in a way creating food insecurity across the country and threatening its very future could never be.”

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PM tells Tory MPs he’s ”Going down to Hades and coming back with Thatcher” to revive party prospects

THE MIDAS TOUCH : BRITAIN’S most successful bullshitter and also its Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the Conservative Party’s MPs this weekend to fill them with “vim and vigour” ahead of the local elections next month.

It’s widely expected that the governing party may pay a price for twelve years of ruining the country in the service of greed and flawed ideology, but not if Boris can do something about it.

The decision to journey to the Underworld was thought to have been inspired by Mr Johnson’s vague recollections of the Classics he studied at university, even if most of his energy at the time was dedicated to shaming oiks who got into Oxford on scholarships.

“It will be like Eurydice and Orpheus,” he told the captured audience. “Or rather Rydice and Boris as the EU has nothing to do with it!”

It’s not yet known how he convinced the Gods to allow him to enter Hades on his quest or which Tory donor paid the Ferryman to allow him to make the passage. Focus has turned to domestic donors after the Ferryman announced he was no longer taking payment in roubles.

But unlike the famed and tragic Greek hero of myth Mr Johnson is not anticipating any perverse conditions placed on his quest to lead Mrs Thatcher away from death and back to life.

“The Gods of the Underworld can’t wait to get rid of her,” an insider told LCD Views. “She keeps attempting to sell off the infrastructure to private interests and banging on about how her father had a shop.”

If Mr Johnson is successful he plans to undertake a national tour with the reanimated Goddess of the Tory Party to revive its electoral prospects.

“We can’t keep on promising a lovely day tomorrow when it’s clear all we do is ruin the place,” one Tory MP commented. “But bringing back Thatcher? That will perfectly complete the rehash of the 70’s were currently overseeing. She’s the right figurehead to oversee the response to the coming food riots.”

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson says he wants “to get on with introducing cannibalism”

A VERY BRITISH MEAL : The outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given a press interview to celebrate getting the hell out of the country.

Speaking to the media today he said he wanted to draw a line under Partygate because he was “bored” of “commoners” mentioning how their loved ones died alone while he got smashed at a “work party”. He said he was focused now on fulfilling the promise of Brexit and “delivering cannibalism to the entire United Kingdom”.

The prospect of cannibalism has long enthused his party’s MPs who now see ripping the public off as tiresome because “There is no challenge in it anymore. Once you get away with lying to the Queen and remain in office you really need a bigger hit”.

Mr Johnson said he was proud of the steps taken already to achieve cannibalism and rising living costs were just part of his plan to have Britons eat each other “alive preferably” while he watches, but frozen solid in the depths of winter would also present “a unique opportunity to stick it up the French who think they know all there is about cooking”.

Quite when cannibalism will be achieved wasn’t said because that would be to contradict the Prime Minister’s standard way of going about business.

“You always promise a brighter day tomorrow regardless of the catastrophe you have made of today,” Mr Johnson said. “And the cooking fires of Britain will be exceptionally bright once we harness the wood of the commons and consume one another in the greatest show of solidarity and Great British can do seen since the end of WW2”.

TO achieve this fire lit upland all the British public have to do is continue to allow the Tories to pursue the insane policies they have since returning to office in 2010.

“We don’t have a clue about running a country,” Mr Johnson admitted. “But we don’t have to. That’s what the tabloids are for.”

For her part the Home Secretary is said to be “wet with anticipation” and “smacking her chops” at the chance to eat children as opposed to just impoverish them. Believing additionally that if the UK gains a reputation as a land eating itself alive it will finally deal a death blow to the problem of people wanting to come and make a live for themselves on Blighty.

Bon appetit.

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Boris Johnson to focus on what matters to the electorate and “lie more convincingly next time”

PORKY PIES : THE UK’S Prime Minister is widely applauded for leading a successful war against truth. There is no barricade of fact, no bastion of reason, no citadel of common sense he will not charge head first against. This is how he got Brexit done while failing to get it done but convincing lots of voters he’d got it done.

But the Partygate scandal threatens to tarnish a reputation for evasion and deflection well deserved after decades misleading the public for personal gain. To suggest that the mere matter of getting hammered on multiple occasions in contravention of lockdown laws will be enough to stop this juggernaut of contempt is to underestimate the capacity for moral fibre of his supporters. To fail to stand in wonder at a group of MPs, and a public, who watch the soap opera of his political life and think, yeah, let’s have more of that. Maybe he can pull off lying to the Queen twice? Maybe he can take more IT lessons? What were fishermen again?

“So long as we think he can win us elections it doesn’t matter how low we allow our democracy to be dragged,” any number of self-serving Conservative MPs told LCD Views. “Who will help us feather our nest without Boris? Who will help us dwell solely in a mind palace of fantasy decorated with titles, peerages and palaces that convince the humdrum conman he is something else?”

Truth, respect, accountability, the public good, all of these things are nothing set against how big a splash one overgrown child can make in high office.

“He’s just got to get back to basics,” any number of spineless, rent a vote Tory MPs tells us. “He’s got to lie more convincingly or I’ll have to heed my electorate. It’s hard to spin this Partygate bollocks convincingly. Although happily the taste of sick is washed out by the benefits of being in office by his favour.”

You can do it Boris. Get Partygate Done! Comforting lies are what matters to the voters even as the evidence to the contrary grows in the cost of living crisis.

“The trick is to make their daily life so hard they don’t have time to properly think about us,” random Tory says. “But not so hard they’ll come for our grace and favour palaces.”

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Deportation of refugees to Rwanda to be centrepiece of 2022 VE Day celebrations

YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO : No one can forget the wonderful conga lines of the 2020 VE Day celebrations as the novel virus weaved its way through the UK’s cities, towns and villages. Global Britons got out the bunting and thumbed their noses at the basic reality of how a virus spreads, encouraged by their government.

“We showed the world who we were that day and we’ve not stopped since,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We didn’t even have a vaccine then but we weren’t letting the prospect of tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths stop us having a party! And this year we’re going to show the world again what is important to us.”

While many had expected May 8th to be a sombre and reflective day this year, what with war raging in the east of Europe, 10 Downing Street is thought to be minded to use the day to really “own the libs”.

“What an opportunity to get partygate off the headlines,” the source enthuses. “And what an opportunity to make sure that everyone on Earth can see that access to refuge in the UK is very much colour coded. You can’t get more Brexit than that.”

It’s believed the ‘Go Home Vans’ that announced Theresa May’s principles as she took control of the Home Office, will be given a bit of “spit and polish” and refitted with images of desperate people in the English Channel.

“It’ll be a story board style public declaration as the vans tour the country,” the source explains. “The first van will show images of refugees from WW2. The second Nigel Farage’s famous ‘Breaking Point’ poster and after that it’ll be people in the English Channel going straight into camps far, far away. Once they’re out of sight, they’re out of mind. At least that is what we hope will happen. It doesn’t really matter what happens to them, just so long as the screaming void in Priti Patel’s soul is fed each and every day.”

The Prime Minister is expected to drive the first van because “fetishising WW2 is what he does”, even if his every act as PM shows he learned none of the lessons of that horrible conflict.

“Mr Johnson sees himself as the Pied Piper of refugees. He’s really enthusiastic about it. Their potential to excite his supporters is an opportunity too good to miss and should help push Partygate far away from the headlines.”