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BREAKING : Priti Patel distributes signed photos of herself to Ukrainian refugees in Calais “instead of visas”

RAMPED UP GENEROSITY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has responded to surprising criticism of her department’s inability to react effectively to the latest refugee crisis in Europe by getting “directly involved in a personal and touching way”.

The plan appears to be designed to lift the spirits of people attempting to find sanctuary in the UK, while they negotiate the perfectly reasonable demands of the UK’s refugee visa system, which has been designed to weed out people who “just want to come here for health tourism”.

The new initiative will see everyone waiting to have their fingerprints taken given a signed photo of Priti Patel who has had a new professional portrait taken for just that purpose. Although rumours suggest that the decision to involve photography has led to tension with the Foreign Secretary Liz Truss who is understood to demand “Instagram and other social media platforms remain her exclusive policy domain”.

But the Home Office has responded to reports of tension by saying that any criticism is completely unwarranted and once the images of cheerful refugees clasping images of Ms Patel are broadcast on TV the scheme will be expanded to cover any areas in Europe where people are gathering seeking assistance.

“If they want to come to the UK they need to know what life in the UK is like,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “They need to know who will be governing them and waiting for just the right moment to have the Daily Mail start running stories designed to shift the public mood to throwing them right back out again.”

The Prime Minister is thought to have endorsed the scheme, although was critical of the lack of choice of image.

“The PM is leading the world in the response to the crisis in Ukraine, but he’s taken time out of his afternoon wine and cheese schedule to pen a note to Ms Patel encouraging her to make the portraits available in both gloss and matt and for the recipients to decide which one they receive,” a Downing Street source said, on the way to the cheese shop.

“The UK is leading European leaders in the PR campaign to be seen to be doing something. The distribution of the portraits will have them green with envy,” the Home Office spokesman added. “This is ramped up UK generosity in action and the best you can expect from the current government.”

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Inviting Ukrainians into the UK will only encourage Putin to invade Poland, claims Priti Patel

DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT £200: The best way to end a conflict is to refuse to appease a dictator. According to Go Home Secretary Priti Patel, appeasement means housing refugees fleeing from war waged by sociopathic dictators. 

And once you start to accept foreigners across your borders – even deserving ones – you risk creating a free for all, a flood of migrants, a swarm of filthy foreign freeloaders invading willy nilly. These will create strains on the NHS, the education services, and probably everything else that can’t cope because of savage government cuts. 

The trouble is that, once Putin realises that the UK is such a soft touch, he is bound to displace lots more foreigners from lots more countries. This in turn will reveal the failures of the British government, and that is inexcusable. 

“Putin should leave the bullyin’ to me!” smirked Patel. “It’s a sign of strength! It’s about time we were showin’ Uncle Vlad who’s in charge here. He must not be encouraged to do any more invadin’! We will not be puttin’ Putin in control!” 

Patel was convinced of Putin’s intentions. 

“Next thing we know he will be wantin’ to invade Poland!” she shrieked. “If we allow refugees into the UK, then before you know it he will occupyin’ all of Europe, and sendin’ a hundredty dozen and eleventy froggies and krauts over here. That’s not what we voted for! They won’t all pay £50 to get out of Europe free!” 

It’s the end of the world as we know it, she claimed. And it could all be prevented by takin’ a hard line on refugees. 

“We are leadin’ the world as usual!” she boasted. “Closin’ the borders is the only way of tellin’ Putin where we are drawin’ the line! Otherwise it’s Ukraine today, the rest of the world tomorrow, and that simply won’t be happenin’!” 

Bein’ nice is a weakness. Tough on war, tough on the casualties of war. 

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PM unveils “world leading” six point plan to wait until EU countries deal with refugee crisis

GET ON WITH IT : BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has revealed a world leading plan to assist with the dramatic refugee crisis ongoing as the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues.

“No one with a heart could fail to be moved by the images we are seeing,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “This explains the speed at which Downing Street and the Home Secretary are moving.”

The plan is said to be centred on “sound bites” and the “appearance of activity” while in actuality “dragging our heels like a mule”. It’s believed it is motivated by a deep concern that the racists in the PM’s base support will start to “lose their shit and go red in the face on QT” if too many vulnerable people receive British support.

“It’s easier clearly,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “These are white Christians so there’s not all that confusion like in more recent refugee crises. But they’re probably still commies and so…well…if your entire intellectual appetite is the Daily Mail or the Telegraph, it’s a journey to assist anyone.”

But to reinforce the perception that something is being done the actual six points have been stated.

  1. Dither
  2. Delay
  3. Have Liz post pictures on Instagram
  4. PM to pose with soldiers
  5. Create a confusing and mind boggling system to access visas.
  6. Explain how we’re leading the world ad nauseam until it all goes away.

There is also an unpublished seventh point which is understood to be “privately grin like a Cheshire Cat that Putin’s war has swept the Partygate scandals and the alleged pandemic mass fraud by Tory donors right off the front pages.“

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Europe must stand together, says man who staked his career on splitting it up

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR OWN DESTINY: Until the rest of the world unites and forces us to take sides. Are we to follow the right course, and unite? Or follow the money? 

No. Global Britain leads, indeed it MUST lead, or Brexit was all for nothing. And that can never be true. 

One man who knows this less well than anyone else is the country’s figure-arse and Clown Prince, Boris Johnson. If ever there is a man who cannot see the connection between his actions and their consequences, it is he. 

“England must stand alone and get Ukraine done!” he declared. “When we all stand together, we are stronger, erm, yes, no, well, apart from England which is stronger alone, you see, quod facit memorandum, vaccines!, the wicked EU has been holding us back, and front, and a bit off the sides. Leave enough to mess up, you know, vaccines!, save my bacon, mmm, bacon sandwiches, mmm, wiff waff, no, no, no, no, yes!”

It’s almost as if Churchill himself were reincarnated, to speak gibberish while pissed as fuck on premium Russian vodka. 

“Yes, no, yes, possibly, who knows, I certainly don’t,” he continued reassuringly. “There’s a thing to be done, which we will do, eventually, there, I’ve said it, that means we are faster than the EU, and it’s a jolly good job we left, so we can tell them to stand up to Putin with us, so we work together, which we couldn’t do when we were in the EU, just because. So there!”

What Johnson can’t admit is that he only ripped the UK out of the EU so that he could continue to receive Russian bribes. So he can’t take serious action without losing face or losing money or losing power. As those are the only things that motivates him, apart from recreational drugs and rumpy-pumpy, his only course of action is to dither until it all blows over. Which could take years, of course. 

Meanwhile, the USA is bypassing the UK to deal with the EU direct, in order to counter the threats from the East. Super lightweight Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has also been bypassed, to such an extent that she has been spamming the world with photos from outside rooms where the real diplomacy is taking place. 

England stands alone. All alone. Sad and unfriended. Sovereignty! freedom! Hey… hello! hello!… anybody there?… hello? 

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Britain is going further than anyone else to protect starving Russian oligarchs, claims Tory MP

THE FASTEST RESPONSE IN EUROPE: Britain is doing more to help the most needy during the current Ukraine invasion crisis. Yes, people may be losing their homes, their livelihoods and their lives, but there is a bigger issue here, one Tory MP has claimed.

“Many important Russians will be losing a lot of money in this crisis,” claimed unprominent back bencher and ERG wannabe Rushin Plant. Plant cites a report from a Misplaced Focus Group, of which he is also an unprominent member.

“Won’t somebody please think of the oligarchs?” Plant pleaded. “Yes, there may well be refugees and bombs and stuff, but the real sufferers are the starving benevolent wealthy Russians who fund the Red Army. Think of the billions of roubles sunk into tanks and uniforms and the suchlike. That’s an incredible investment, and they deserve to see a proper return on their money!”

Plant praises the UK’s swift and generous action. “Boris Johnson has, as ever, trodden the fine line with outrageous success,” he claimed. “By talking tough, he has mollified the rest of the world, and cocked a snook at the EU. He has also acted to protect valuable Russian assets. By agreeing sanctions, but giving Russians enough time to move their allegedly ill-gotten gains, he has balanced the twin demands of immediate action and of protecting his paymasters.”

Plant is not the only Tory to praise the government’s swift inaction. Many others, allegedly in receipt of large sums of Russian money, backed Plant as openly as they dare. “One must not be too hasty in judging the rights and wrongs of the situation,” said the equally obscure Tory MP Vlad E. Vostok. “There are good and bad people on both sides!”

In the end, we are all going to have to live with Russian corruption and the pollution of democracy.

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Putin said to fear he’s so discredited he’ll soon be “a presenter on GB News”

DEAD END GAME : Russian dictator and alleged major funder of the Conservative and Unionist Party, Vladimir Putin, is said to be deeply concerned his time working as one of Death’s star employees maybe coming to an end.

The decision to invade Ukraine has summoned up distinct 1939 vibes in Europe and across the world. It’s possible the master manipulator may have finally overplayed his hand as he adds to what is an already impressive scorecard of killing innocent people.

“He may also have overpaid for Western politicians,” an insider tells LCD Views. “He’s been shelling out for pliable Western politicians for over a decade and they’re currently not coming through. They really came through for Brexit. They came up trumps for Trump. They collectively turned a largely blind eye to mass killing in Syria. Although that was easier as the people weren’t European and it was all very confusing. But maybe he’s given them all a reason to just dump him and keep the cash. Shocking.”

One thing Mr Putin has achieved is everyone talking about him, but perhaps not in the way he imagined.

“He needs an out strategy,” the insider acknowledges, “as there is no possible win now he’s launched the slaughter in Europe. It was a complete shock that after nearly a decade of fighting against him the Ukrainians didn’t just line the streets and welcome the baffled Russian conscripts in. Who would have thought it? Now he either has to level the country and claim a mountain of corpses wanted him to free them from fascism, or retreat. Still, at least petrol is costing a lot more. If only we could ship it.”

But it seems the real fear for the aged bareback bear rider maybe exile in the West.

“He will need a safe country to flee too soon if the oligarchs’ kids can’t get to their yachts in the Med. The UK looks good. It’s got all sorts of wannabe fash going on in government. But even that comes with anxiety as it seems the only safe space that will be left for him is the same safe place for all the other washouts. A presenter on GB News. There’s no coming back from that.”

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Fleeing from war does not merit enough points for a UK visa, says Priti Patel

WHAT IS THE POINT: The UK has taken back control of its borders. Even the one across Ireland. They did this by copying and pasting a points based system developed by unelected bureaucrats on the opposite side of the globe. 

This means you can only get into the UK if certain conditions are met. It’s like collecting Nectar points in order to buy a Rolls-Royce. 

It’s the ultimate loyalty card scheme. You earn points by purchasing British goods, by waving British Union Jacks, by disseminating gushing support of Boris Johnson indiscriminately across all social media platforms. Once you have accumulated enough points (this can take several lifetimes), then you are entitled to join the Visa Lottery. If you win this – at the incredibly favourable odds of 14,000,000-1 against, then you may apply for a Blue British Passport. 

Of course, in practice it’s simpler just to bung the Prime Minister £3m and be done with it. 

But other circumstances may also qualify. Fleeing from Ukraine, as Russian bombs rain down and Russian tanks flatten your home, will also mean that you may accrue points. Points mean prizes, and one lucky refugee will be selected at random to be turned back at Calais instead of at Paris like everybody else. 

Otherwise, hard cheese, old thing. This is only fair, claims Go Home Secretary Priti Patel. Just because your homeland is being flattened by a hostile power which, coincidentally, also sponsors the Conservative Party, does not give you the right to jump the queue. “Let me be entirely clear with what I’m sayin’,” Patel said. “Fleein’ from war is, ultimately, your personal responsibility, and does not attract anythin’ near the fifteenty hundred and seventy twelve points needed to apply for a British visa. We basically don’t want none of you Baltic johnnies over here!” 

It’s little wonder that most refugees choose the small boats across the Channel option instead. 

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Boris Johnson to prove his mettle on the world stage by telling the old Russian underpants joke

WHY SHOULDN’T YOU BUY RUSSIAN UNDERPANTS: As the Ukraine crisis intensifies, one man is at least trying to lighten the mood. Russian-sponsored comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going full international statesman and cracking ancient Dad jokes. 

As the Russian invasion force reaches the site of the notorious Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the old joke has gained new traction. The unfortunate troops may end up being hung out to dry. 

But it is Johnson who can afford to see the funny side, safe in his secret bunker paid for by generous Russian donors. “A dad joke a day keeps invaders at bay,” is his new personal motto. 

This is according to a rather more unreliable Downing Street source than usual, Carrie Johnson. Carrie, herself undertaking a sponsored pregnancy drive on behalf of the Conservative Friends of Russia, volunteered to fulfil the position of Official Spokesman. The previous incumbent resigned after failing to realise that televised lies count more than private ones. 

“Boris Stanleyvitch has been told – I mean, has decided, to raise the spirits!” she told assembled hacks, desperate for a scoop. “He is working his way through a crate of spiffing spaffing vodka right now! Why so serious? Russia will win – hooray! Let’s be cheerful. Always look on the bright side of life!” 

Quite appropriate for a crucified man being hung out to dry. 

“No? Not a titter? Not so much as a smile? Well I almost wet myself laughing when I heard it the first time,” Carrie continued. “Those poor peasants in fatigues, just think about them! Ha ha! Fall out? More likely to fall off, I should think!” 

The fall out from that comment was that every man present subconsciously crossed his legs. At least they were spared the same fate. But just in case, you should never buy Russian underpants. 

Because Chernobyl fall out. 

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Boris Johnson to impose sanctions on every Russian bank which has omitted to fund the Conservative Party

PUT YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR MONEY IS: Putin is about to invade Ukraine. So the great statesman, Boris Johnson, is getting a bit cross, and is sanctioning all the Russian banks. Well, the ones that stupidly didn’t bribe him not to. 

As a result, five insignificant Russian rouble counters, and three Russian billionaires with a conscience, will suffer the bluster and disapproval of a former great ally which has decided to enfeeble itself in the name of sovereignty. Early reports suggest that they are deeply, profoundly unconcerned. 

The rest of the bribey Russians have been told, secretly, to get their precious funds somewhere safe and neutral. Many are now masquerading as Nigerian princes. In this matter, they will be advised, indeed led, by British experts in money hoarding like the redoubtable Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

In a time of international crisis, the most important thing is to protect the Conservative Party. The thread of over-privileged underworked English entitlement that holds the country together will not be unravelled by a tin-pot Trumped-up dictator behaving badly half way around the globe. 

Boris Johnson, whose talk is as big as his effectiveness is low, is running scared. “I am the, erm, yes, no, well, wiff waff, right, left, erm, right man for the job,” he declared in the House. “What has Labour ever done, except whinge on and on, because I’ve got a Russian name? Keir isn’t English, it’s Scottish, he’s a tartan traitor!” Johnson’s job, of course, is to conceal the outrageous Russian influence over British foreign policy. 

Rumour has it that Johnson is not taking a harder line because Carrie won’t let him. It’s as if her future depends upon being able to manipulate Johnson into the weakest possible position, so that she can continue to be the conduit for Putin’s Prime Ministerial puppetry. 

And the London Laundromat must keep on churning to stop the whole sordid tale from emerging. 

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BREAKING : PM to lift all pandemic restrictions so he can stop breaking them

PARTY LIKE IT’S 2020 : The British Prime Minister has announced that all pandemic restrictions in the UK are to end in what is seen as a “watershed moment” in UK law and order.

The decision to end the last vestiges of control over the potentially fatal virus comes after only a 170,000 people have died in the UK thanks to the “ramped up” governance of Mr Johnson and his Conservatives over the last couple of years. While many, many, many more lives could have been saved with a competent and concerned executive instead of a “tumbling haystack of shite”, it’s expected that everyone will forget about yesterday immediately and focus instead on how wonderful tomorrow will be.

“Our donors are fed up with opening new bank accounts too to stuff PPE cash into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The burden of having to work out what to do with so many windfalls is not well understood by the man on the street. Just how many Georgian manors can you buy?”

Although what has happened to public money will also hopefully simply be forgotten as the Chancellor has already written off billions lost to fraud.

“Just don’t forget to pay that parking fine or you’re for it! Ha!” the source advises.

But the major benefactor of the end of restrictions will be Mr Johnson and his close inner circle.

“It’s seen as the only real way out of an endless catalogue of alleged lawbreaking by 10 Downing Street is to have no laws to break,” the source adds. “With the lifting of all restrictions we can finally sweep the past into the long grass and get on with the job of levelling up the country with some other avoidable calamity to conceal the acid of Brexit.”

It’s believed that the coming weekend in Downing Street will be “epic”.

“We are going to party like it’s 2020!” the source enthuses. “And there’s nothing anyone can do about it because their professional lives depend on not doing anything about it.”