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MPs should communicate through the proper channels, like pigeon post, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE: Leader of the House, and Member of Parliament for the Regency Period, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has made his customary irrelevant intervention. As usual, he has taken an issue and missed the point by a country mile. Clearly, the tone of the row about illegal secret Tory parties is the most important matter under consideration.

Rees-Mogg does not seem to have an issue with holding any kind of social gathering during the strictest restrictions. Nor with the cavalier way that ministers appeared on TV speaking gravely, and warning that everyone should stay home and not mix at all, before doing exactly that. After all, infectious diseases were widely misunderstood in the early years of the nineteenth century.

In those times, life was short, hard and brutish. If the sewage-laden water didn’t finish you off, a traditional harsh winter would. And there was no electronic communication in these wonderful days of yore. There was in fact no need for the Lower Orders to talk, so busy were they generating income for their Lord. And the Lords would send elegant messages by way of a footman on horseback. It could take weeks for a message to get through, and more so if one forgot to add a postscript and had to send the exhausted footman on his way again the moment he returned.

Thus the natural rhythm of life as a country squire went by. The most urgent messages would be transmitted by pigeon, and Rees-Mogg sees no reason to change this most excellent method. A message is not worthy of the name, he states, unless it has been inscribed on the finest parchment using a quill, sealed with wax, delivered by the original air mail, and presented to His Lordship upon a silver platter borne by a servile butler.

One may then throw the missive on the fire, and eat the pigeon, and nobody ever needs to be any the wiser.

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I was at the party I didn’t go to, admits Boris Johnson

NOW YOU SEE HIM, NOW YOU DON’T: Schrödinger’s Prime Minister was both at and not at the fabled Downing Street parties. This is according to the admission by Boris Johnson that he did actually attend the party that he definitely didn’t attend, according to Boris Johnson.

“Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no,” said Johnson when pressed on the issue. “Well, erm, erm, well, that is to say, I suppose the important thing is where we are now, erm, well, wiff waff, adversus solem ne loquitor, the matter is closed, get yourself vaccinated!, we will have to wait until the enquiry is complete, ignored, buried, swept under the carpet, and I’m sunning myself on a deserted shoreline, and we have acted while Labour just grumbles at me!”

This is progress. Only yesterday, the very same Boris Johnson was insisting that there was no party, and even if there was, he wasn’t there and knew nothing about it, despite photographic evidence of a garden party in his back garden, with him seated next to Carrie, which must have been work because everyone was in a suit.

Schrödinger must be turning in his grave (while simultaneously non-rotational). First, there was Brexit, which certainly meant Brexit even if it didn’t. Then there came covid, which although a deadly pandemic is also completely harmless. Now, in accordance with Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, which states that the more precisely one may pin down the position of Boris Johnson, the less certain he actually exists, the fact that he was at the party probably means that he wasn’t.

Brexit naturally debunks all this philosophy. On two grounds. Firstly, the philosophers are experts, so their evidence may be discounted. Secondly, and even more damning, they were both European.

Naturally, this means that Johnson is off the hook. So, therefore, he is damned by his own arguments.

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SNUBBED Tory MPs rage at lack of invites to Downing Street lockdown parties

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is on the receiving end of some ferocious Whatsapp’s today after the true scale of his 10 Downing Street lockdown parties was revealed.

“It wasn’t just a couple of close friends over for a few sneaky drinks,” a member of the newly set up PRG (Party Research Group) told LCD Views. “Basically it was one endless party all through lockdown. AND I WASN’T INVITED.”

The failure to invite the most insane headbangers in the Conservative Party to the 10 Downing Street hypocrisy festival now risks endangering the Prime Minister’s position.

“What’s the point of being in the Tory Party if you don’t get to laugh at the plebs with all the other chaps?” the PRG spokesman demanded. “He’s treated us like filth. He may even have been laughing at us? This is untenable. Clearly the deep economic harm and mass death is of no account, but to be snubbed like this? Stuck at home with the bloody wife while the PM was partying the night away? He can’t recover from this.”

Although all may not be lost for Mr Johnson with Westminster rumours suggesting he is planning a repeat of his 2019 strategy of just removing dissenters from his party.

“He’ll have to find people crazier than the 2019 intake of Brexiters to replace us with,” the PRG notes. “Good luck with that. We’re completely swivel eyed, batshit, thick as two planks meat puppets. We’re irreplaceable. Wish is why he should have invited all of us to the parties. Then we could all have denied they happened together, just like we daily deny reality on the pandemic and Brexit.”

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Downing Street orders “Made In Britain” stickers affixed to all artefacts in the British Museum

PATRIOTISM IS ON THE MARCH : MPs at The Ministry of Culture are expecting to be busier than ever over the coming weeks as they take back control of The British Museum.

It’s long been acknowledged that the museum is a hotbed of woke subversion and it’s high time something was done about it. One of the most pressing issues is the need to revise the provenance of the millions of historical artefacts housed in the grand building in central London.

“Downing Street has taken a moment out from its pressing concerns over flat refurbishments to focus on the issue of the Benin Bronzes, The Elgin Marbles and various other items of British property that saboteurs from Brussels are using to undermine British sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They’ve come up with a solution, between the lobster and sea bass courses, which puts the matter to rest forever.”

The solution is a neat one and it is claimed supports British industry.

“We will be nationalising the sticker factories that currently churn out those unpatriotic ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ stickers and repurposing them to put Britain firmly on the world map.”

New stickers will be produced which say “Made In Britain” and are Union Flag patterned, and they’ll be produced by the millions.

“MPs from the Ministry of Culture will tour the British Museum and affix the stickers to every single artefact either on display, or in a box somewhere in the vaults. We will soon show those pesky forrins who owns what! And if anyone quibbles over the claim that, for example, The Map of the World, Abu Habba, Iraq 700-500 BB (Before Britain) is truly British then they’ll soon have egg on their face when they see the ‘Made In Britain’ sticker on its surface!”

Plans are also in place to tattoo the foreheads of all babies born in the UK with Union Flags so wherever they end up in the world people will know they’re British.

“As that’s normally a secret.”

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BBC 1 to broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day

BRITANNIA RULES THE AIRWAVES: To make sure that the BBC is truly patriotic and British, a new directive has been issued. From a date in the near future, BBC1 will broadcast the National Anthem 24 hours a day, every day, and doubly so on Sundays.

Tory MP Simba Lism has insisted that the UK is insufficiently indoctrinated. There is only one thing that can restore the greatness of Britain, and that is to make sure that every time UK citizens turn on the TV or radio, they are guaranteed to hear God Save The Queen. This alone will restore much pride, But Lism wants to go even further.

“It is of vital importance that our culture is not diluted by all the horrible foreigners swarming into the country,” Lism urged, fists thumping on to the table, disturbing the carefully arranged Union Jacks around his desk. “Don’t they understand that we are British? And Britishness must be emphasised by our national broadcaster. They have a duty to support our national identity, and protect our wonderful culture from the foreign whiff of garlic and curry!”

And it’s not just anthems and flags that Lism is talking about. The symbols of Global Britain must be everywhere.

“I want every British house, shop, and castle to be red, white and blue!” he thundered. “We must never forget our heritage! Statues must remain exactly where they stand, forever, like Ozymandias, to remind us that our history is sacrosanct! We must have our British pound of spuds! Our British eight bob tuppence ha’penny! The blessed crown on our beer glasses, so we cannot forget how British we are, even in our cups! And BBC1 shall play the National Anthem to ensure that loyal citizens salute with pure British rapture!”

Meanwhile ITV1 will play Land Of Hope And Glory, ITV3 will show Poirot, and Channel 4 will play the Sex Pistols favourite God Save The Queen.

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Downing Street orders Bristol Harbour drained so Colston statue can’t be thrown back in

WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE STATUES : 10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly to the shocking and unpatriotic decision this week to clear the Colston Four of criminal damage.

“Those judges are the enemies of the statues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Long dead white men cast in bronze are the bedrock of the UK’s cultural life and identity. What the decision this week says to the army of the woke is beyond calculation. Saboteurs and fifth columnists will say that the court merely upheld the law but we all know that the law doesn’t matter under Johnson’s government.”

Happily though for any red faced ageing men with high blood pressure the Prime Minister is rumoured to have taken personal control of the matter.

“Mr Johnson convened a cheese and wine tasting last night and came up with a bold course of action to stop these vile progressive forces in their tracks. And what’s more it twins neatly with the levelling up agenda he’s so proud of.”

The plan appears to be to invest heavily into Bristol.

“We’re going to drain Bristol Harbour. This way no one will be throwing any more statues into it. There will be a minor cost to shipping in the area, but that’s something we can live with because other people take care of the consequences of our poor thinking. You just wait until the next statue is dragged to the edge of the harbour wall by some scruffy yoghurt eating layabouts! The shock on their faces when they see just a dry and stony landscape where once was water will be priceless.”

Bristol Council is said to be fully behind the plan and will be pushing for the dry harbour to be consecrated as a shrine to Colston and all he stood for.

“It’s important that everyone gets the message loud and clear,” the source added. “Only Tory MPs are allowed to do criminal damage to the UK.”

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Knighting Tony Blair wins “Dead Cat 2022 Award” for Boris Johnson

OVER BEFORE IT STARTED : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be suffering a serious low after only just being as high as a kite on his own genius.

The cause of the moodiness is rumoured to be the sudden awareness that he is unlikely to come up with a better dead cat to distract “the left” than knighting Tony Blair.

“The PM only really has a few things that give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning,” a worried 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Shagging is clearly top of the list. The whole country if possible, weekly. Drinking. That goes without saying. And winding up the left to distract from all the horrible stuff he does each day.”

While the honours system is now so debased that anyone pausing a moment could be forgiven for thinking a Johnson gong is actually a negative, making the gristly old T-Bone a Sir has done a wonderful job of taking many an opposition activist’s eye off the ball.

“This will blow over of course and the rampant and potentially criminal mishandling of the pandemic will come back into focus,” the source frets. “And a new dead cat will be required. Most of the ghastly stuff we do is wrongly called a dead cat, but Tony is a special one. But where to turn now? When you’re demolishing all standards of representative democracy you need to keep the people frothing and looking anywhere but at whatever Patel is doing.”

It’s thought there is some potential gain though in doubling down on Blair.

“We may make him Lord Islington,” the source grins. “That will keep the Labour activists scratching each other’s eyes out for a bit while we sell the NHS lock, stock and barrel to the US.”

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Downing Street celebrates return of 20 different urine samples on peanuts in British pubs

TAKE THAT EU : Brussels is said to be “reeling” today as the MIGHTY BRITISH LION took another decisive sovereign step away from the OVERARCHING NANNY STATE ACROSS THE english CHANNEL.

From midday today all British pubs must again put out bowls of peanuts for customers to take hand fulls of as the RED TAPE that demanded hygienic packaging of nuts, crisps and another nibbles was TORN UP by the conquering talons of the free British people. It is just the latest Brexit win and cashews are also included.

The traditional British bowl of nuts vanished from the landscape some years back after the NANNY STATE OF FROWNING EUROCRATS banished bowls. What was done under the pretence of health and safety was of course just another SHACKLE to bind down the UNCONQUERABLE BRIT.

“Like Gulliver releasing himself from the grip of the little people in Lilliput Global Britons can now grab handfuls of free nuts on the way into or out of the toilet of their favourite boozer or restaurant,” 10 Downing Street lauded the victory to a stunned world.

The FREEDOM TO EAT PISS COVERED NUTS ranks alongside the return of the Crown symbol to pint glasses.

“We will next be outlawing refrigeration of bottled beverages and pints on tap,” the government reassured. “No longer will Brussels take the fun out of British cuisine and leisure time. The stale, warm pint of ale will soon be the only available drink on tap.”

Sources in Brussels say that they are bereft and terrified of what Boris Johnson’s victorious band of liberators will do next.

“No gain for the EU of British industry, jobs, finance sector, science and innovation, education as a result of Brexit can make up for what unchained Britannia is doing to its pubs,” a Brussels source said. “The EU is stuffed. It’ll be begging the UK to allow it to join the UK before long. It’s just a matter of time.”

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Boris Johnson reported to have already broken all his New Year’s Resolutions

AS SANDS THROUGH THE HOUR GLASS : World beating Prime Minister and hobbyist virologist Boris Johnson is reported to have begun 2022 as he ended 2021.

“And it’s how he means to go on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When he’s not on holiday he’ll be hard at working shirking his responsibilities.”

The early achiever award for the PM is said to result from a series of resolutions he made at the stroke of midnight, as 2021 spluttered and crashed into history and 2022 had just begun to mewl into life.

“He made a series of resolutions to a crowded room. But no sooner had he made them then he broke them one by one. By one minute past midnight he gone back on his promise not to make irrelevant classical references. By one minute and a half he had abandoned any pretence to wearing a mask where required. In his defence the mask he took off was of Batman. And he just got worse from there on.”

The PM keeping his form will reassure an anxious nation though, as they wait to see if the turning over of the calendar will lead to a surprise like public first governance.

“Nope. It’ll be Lord of the Flies still,” the source affirmed. “Sometime soon Johnson will be turfed out and replaced with Truss or some other noisy, empty vessel. By this stage anyone who had made a resolution not to drink in 2022 will have firmly fallen off the wagon again. Happy New Year.”

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Boris Johnson clears Boris Johnson of all wrongdoing

IT’S ALL OVER BAR THE SHOUTING: The official investigation into alleged breaches of the ministerial code by Boris Johnson has been concluded. The man in charge of the investigation, Boris Johnson, has cleared Boris Johnson on all counts. 

This is welcome news. It means that our democracy is safe, thanks to the unceasing vigilance of Boris Johnson. There has never in all of history been a man such as he, who was as diligent at covering his own arse. 

The political Pinocchio has excused his own clearly non-existent crimes. He has wound his neck in, and done his very best to level up his world beating telescopic proboscis. He has taken back control of governmental justice. 

There will be those who would suggest, unpatriotically, that once again a member of the government has been permitted to mark their own homework. This is deeply unfair on Mr Johnson. After all, the one person who has a complete overview of everything Boris Johnson does, is Boris Johnson. We as a nation trust in the strength in the fundamental decency and integrity that Mr Johnson has demonstrated time and time again. 

“Prime Ministers are immune from criticism, and simply incapable of wrongdoing,” claimed the famous Downing Street anonymous source. “What this investigation proves is merely a confirmation of this basic tenet of public life. The ties that bind us all bind Mr Johnson most tightly of all. Put simply, he cannot tell a lie. His word is his bond, his face is his fortune, and his pants only caught fire by accident.”

Regardless of the permanent presence of the Fire Brigade at Number Ten, there is no reason to doubt the Source. Not even the unusual and permanent lengthening of Johnson’s nose is sufficient evidence to cast aspersions upon his character. 

He is more than capable of doing that himself.