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EU farm workers flown to U.K. after millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to turn up for field work

SOWING AND WEEPING : Great news for hungry patriots with the announcement that hundreds of Romanians have begged to work in English fields this year.

“The 450 eager chaps from the East of the continent will more than make up for the estimated 40,000 – 70,000 missing British workers,” Mr Dissin Formation, newly created Minister for Desperation, told LCD Views, “swarthy chaps who work like the devil. This leaves the Brexit supporting patriots free to manage their hate and ignorance online. And most importantly, with clean finger nails.”

But not everyone is pleased that it won’t be British knees bending in toil across the parched, plague ridden lands of the world’s second best Idiocracy.

“Why aren’t all the people with pro-Brexit social media accounts not pushing for the young and unemployed to do the work? Where is the people’s army? What has BeCoMe oF bLiGhTy?!!” Mr G. AmMoN fumed on Facebook.

And it must be said that he was right to question the lack of nationalist fervour to do backbreaking work day in and out for long hours and low pay across the green, and once pleasant land.

“We will be launching an inquiry into why millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to rally when the trumpet sounded. No expense will be spared! Root and branch reform is needed most likely. An end to education in state schools and a return to the proper pastoral life for those who choose to be born poor, maybe the only way to stop foreigners ensuring we eat the food we grow ourselves?”

We will save you the time and energy of you like. It’s because most of the pro-Brexit presence online is bot accounts. The people voted to Brexit? Only just. In a criminally corruption opinion poll that looks even dafter with rotting crops in a time of global crisis. Empire 2.0.

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Contract to produce care worker badges awarded to Dyson


Suck it up! The new care worker badges are to be produced by offshore brexity British power vacuum manufacturer Dyson.

“This is a huge development,” announced Bad Health Secretary Matt Hancock. “This futile empty gesture will cost a lot of money and be almost completely ineffective. But it gives the impression that we care, and that’s what is really at stake here.”

We wondered if funding care workers directly might be a better solution.

“Of course it would be much more efficient to increase their pay and provide PPE, but don’t forget that these people are low paid, and therefore unskilled and of little worth,” Hancock scolded. “A pay rise is tantamount to socialism by the back door, and that cannot be allowed to happen.”

Why ask Dyson to make them, asked one reporter before their microphone was cynically turned off.

“Dyson makes things,” observed Hancock sagely. “He’s the only person on our approved list of donors and cronies who actually makes things. It was a no-brainer!”

There was delight among the hard pressed, vulnerable care worker community, as you can imagine.

“This is the best news I’ve had in ages!” said Hattie Tinfoil, in between persistent coughs. “I heard that these magic badges also protect against 5G, you know, 5G beams the virus straight into your bloodstream, it’s Chinese innit, I won’t eat chow mein any more, let me tell you now!”

Hattie wrapped a towel round her head and pulled on a pair of mittens. “Best I can do, innit,” she said. “Can’t wait for the badge, it wards off infections, viruses and evil spirits, can’t effing wait!”

What is the best medical advice?

“If you must have human contact, especially with the vulnerable, use fresh PPE for every interaction,” said Doctor Parris Eatermoll. “And don’t listen to the official government medical advisors. They are all struck off for fraud and incompetence, but still use the title ‘Doctor’. Like those retired army twonks who insist you still call them Colonel, 40 years after they hung up their uniform.”

What will the badges say? It’s a closely guarded secret, but rumour suggests that the inscription will read ‘Unclean’.

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Romanians being flown on charter flights to U.K. to pick crops told “you need us more than we need you”

FILE UNDER ‘PISS UP IN BREWERY’ : ROMANIAN field workers being flown in to the UK to do the vital work of picking our crops are being set straight, right at the off, about who needs who more.

“Boris Johnson has recorded a video message just for them,” our Downing Street ‘source’ tells LCD Views, “he’s had to shout the words, obviously, otherwise these chaps won’t be able to make head nor tail of instructions. But he wants them to feel welcome and that everything is perfectly fine and sensible.”

Tough questions are not being asked, as is usual in Brexitannia.

Who is profiting from the special charter flights? In terms of who has the contract to supply the workers? Are they linked to the governing Tory Party? Such as a postal ballot firm might be? Would the flights have happened regardless of Covid-19? Much in the way that the NHS has been run down to make working for a private contractor more appealing? Would the same neo-con have happened here?

“We were a bit bloody shocked that the millions of pro-Brexit accounts, which amplify and push the pro-Brexit message on social media, didn’t turn up for work. It’s almost like they’re mostly bots, or if real people, just big mouthed, gullible gammon who can’t be arsed to do a real day’s work for twelve hours in a field on sod all money, so we can enjoy cheap food. I’m sure no one will look into this in due course.”

But to save the blushes of the Romanians, who are probably embarrassed to be coming here to do the work Brits can’t be bothered to do, or can’t financially survive if they do, there is a welcome, care package.

“Boris has made them all disguises out of empty wine crates,” the source adds, “there’s a choice of two. They can dress as either the prime minister or the UK’s modern Lord Haw-Haw, Nigel Farage. This is so locals don’t try and stone them. Boris has even painted little faces on the masks, which is nice.”

And to make doubly sure they know their place in Brexitannia Anne Widdecombe has been specially employed to ride bareback along the crop lines with a loud hailer giving them one direct, indisputable message.

“You need us more than we need you!”

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Downing Street expected to promise nurses “who survive” working without PPE a pay rise

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S RUBBER GLOVE, Matt “those men who died on the beaches” Hancock is expected to make a bold and bankable promise to the UK’s nurses today.

“Not just nurses,” a ‘source’ inside both Downing Street and the Dept for Voluntary Causes of Death told LCD Views, “porters, doctor chaps, cleaners, well, the whole raft really. They can all expect a pay rise.”

The pay rise can be sourced immediately “should they choose to quit the NHS and go and work for a private contractor”, or, the pay rise can be “jam tomorrow if they choose not to enrich our chums who own companies that supply NHS staff by contract.”

The position, described as “balanced” by industry lobbyists, is intended to both offer nurses encouragement as they “wage war” against Covid-19 in bin bags and face masks bought at Homebase (other DIY and trade outfits are accessible), but not “unfairly undercut the free market in health provision within the national health service”.

But there was a note of caution.

Recently the Health Secretary Matt Hancock did sagely say “now is not the time to discuss a pay rise” for nurses. Presumably because right now public sympathy for the profession is politically just too high and it is currently “untenable for a laugh in Parliament when we vote to reject the pay rise”.

How much the nurses, and associated professions, can expect to be gifted after “the dust has settled in the trenches” isn’t yet clear. But it will presumably be a “lower percentage than the annual MP salary increase and less than can be earned working for a private contractor”.

“Of course they won’t all get the pay rise,” the source adds, “your government spent January organising a commemorative Brexit 50p and not readying supplies of PPE, this means that not all will survive. But we will effusively thank them for their sacrifice. We’re so steeped in the myths of wars we didn’t personally fight in, it’s incapable to see this as a public health emergency. And in wars you sacrifice troops for victory.”

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Boris Johnson sets good example by not-working from home

He has risen! He had risen indeed. And gone straight home to bed.

Boris Johnson’s miraculous, not to say stage managed, resurrection on Easter Sunday is going well. It has generated a huge amount of sycophantic sympathy, which means he won’t be asked to take the rap for anything this week.

Adding to the miracle, he was able to make a five minute speech without pausing for breath. Pretty good for a man recovering from a lethal lung infection.

Instead he will be “working from home”. Working from home is one of those rare phrases where you can actually hear the quotation marks. Johnson is setting an example to the rest of the country by failing to do any sort of useful work from his comfy sofa at Chequers.

No change there, then.

In order to make his intentions crystal clear, Johnson has ordered a large quantity of wine. This has two benefits. Firstly, it means he has plenty of wine boxes to paint. It’s something to do. Secondly, if he ever needs to make a public appearance, he can pass off his hangover as a recurrence of covid-19.

Meanwhile all the useful people in the country are doing the essential work of contracting covid-19, so the rest of us don’t have to. All the nurses, doctors, supermarket staff, delivery drivers, and so on will be martyrs to the Herd Immunity “strategy”.

Who will be left? Apart from Boris Johnson, all the other people whose jobs, it turns out, were not that essential after all. The Earth will become a global B-Ark, populated by all the useless people. It bodes well for the future.

So while Boris Johnson stays safely locked away at Chequers, drinking and painting wine boxes, somebody needs to come up with an answer to this crisis, and quickly.

It will probably be 42. Or, if Priti Patel is involved, 4 hundredty thousand and two-ty  squillion.

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Priti Patel says the PM had Covid-300,5838,384,38485

NURSE! NURSE! : Recently rediscovered, non-rehabilitated, UK 2020 Hide ‘n Seek Championship front runner Priti Patel, has responded to conspiracy theories trundling about social media that PM BJ didn’t really have CV-19.

“You don’t need to tell me I’m as disappointed as the next drone,” a smiling Patel beamed for the cameras, “when I heard that the greatest prime minister of the twentieth and twenty first years of the 200,000,2020,200 and twenty, th, century was in hospital I had a hard time wiping the smirk off my face.”

But wipe it she did, which is no mean feat, considering it’s a defensive shield against a world that too often disagrees with Ms Patel’s sums.

“Something doesn’t add up,” she continued, “I’ll grant you that, before deportation. Raab, Rishi and 40th to the power of minus times 30ish people are in front of me to be PM should Mr Johnson throw it all in and run off with a nurse he met while staying at the big doctor house. How is that? Two plus two should equal PM Patel!”

But what of the actual conspiracy theories that Mr Johnson wasn’t as sick as claimed? Why not just say he’s the PM for the love of Lucifer! They’re going to be over cautious. It’s only sensible. He’s theoretically running the country on behalf of Tufton Street and other vested interests?

“You’re right. He looked proper chirpy in that video for a man who, and I quote, could have gone either way just days ago with a savage, novel respiratory illness that is killing thousands daily.”

The recovery must be a measure of his masculinity. He’s clearly an uberman.

“More a ‘whatever car service will pick you up at 5am’ kinda man from what I’ve heard!” Ms Patel smirked.

So he definitely had a Covid-19 then?

“No.”

Wait. What?

“I looked at the number on his test results myself and he had Covid-300,5838,384,38485.”

Ms Patel, thank you for your time.

“My pleasure. No one has ever said that before. How sweet. Now, where were you born?”

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Count down begins until Tory Jesus Boris Johnson buggers off, having risen on Easter Sunday

FISHY WISHY FULFILMENT PERSONIFIED : Sources inside the Tory bunker report today that James “oh so” Cleverly has the famous countdown clock out again.

The motivation this time is not the timing of the Brexit last supper, but the moment when Tory Jesus Boris “I can’t cough all over you enough” Johnson will complete his narrative arc as the risen saviour.

“Clearly he’s not saving anyone but himself,” the source confides, “which is right and proper for a divine character (actor). The virus may not respect rank, but it doesn’t mean that plebs don’t have to.”

But the all important question is how many days is James “Nominative Determinism is Bunkem” Cleverly setting on the whirling dials of fate this time around?

“It’s not Brexit this time,” the source beams, “as Boris got that done, much like his regime got PPE and testing done. No. This is the count down to when Boris ascends to Tory heaven and leaves everyone wondering did he work magic? Or just a card up his loose, flowing, fashionable, messianic robes trick?”

Well, clearly you can expect consistency of narrative where Boris “father of hidden football team” Johnson is concerned, just not if you’re one of the many mothers of the prime minister’s many offspring.

And where does Tory Jesus go then? After 40 days as the rising dough of the Lord?

“Why to Mustique of course,” the source finishes,” in a fridge.”

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Germany and Turkey sending medical aide because they’re “desperate for trade deal” – says Tory Brexiter

GLOBAL BRITAIN EMPIRE 2.0 TO THE MAX : The decision by Germany and Turkey to send medical aide to the U.K. has been seized on tonight by Brexit backing Tories.

“It’s a little patronising,” a leading imaginary member of the ERG told LCD Views, “but it just shows how much they need us more than we need them.”

The ventilators from Germany, who apparently can spare them, and the PPE from Turkey, in spite of how Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson and chums misused them in the service of Brexit, is welcome though.

“It’s a status thing,” the ERG went on, “Germany is apologising for past misdeeds and Turkey is sending supplication in the hope of favours from us. It’s all just as we expected when we legally exited the tyrannical European Union earlier this year. It’s been relatively plain sailing ever since. As you can see for yourself.”

But there are rumours of deeper, Brexit related motivations, alongside the well publicised shortage of both ventilators and PPE equipment in the U.K.

“When Xi rang up Boris in January to warn of the shitstorm heading our way he should have been ringing to give us all the supplies we’d need a few months down the line. You can’t expect a G7 member like ourselves to be distracted from sending Lid Truss off on trade expeditions to prepare for a pandemic months in advance. It’s just not cricket. And besides, Cheltenham had to go ahead, just ask the betting industry.”

But surely trade is the hidden motivation in sending medical aide to the leading, global, economic powerhouse that is the U.K.? Freed of the shackles of negotiating deals alongside half a billion other people?

“That’s exactly it. They’re trying to butter us up for a post Brexit trade deal. Brexit, which is definitely happening when the transition ends later this year. You can bank on it. Much like a celebratory 50p that you probably don’t want to hold right now because you don’t know where it’s been.”

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Really mind the gap – Downing Street stand in enforces social distancing on London Underground

TAP IN AND TAP OUT : Stand in for Boris Johnson, well known geographically centred improv artist Dominic ‘the domino’ Raab, has sought to make travelling on London Underground both more exciting and less congested.

“He’s responding to criticism that by forcing low wage workers to continue to travel on less trains the government isn’t doing enough to protect them, as they can’t perform social distancing on crowded trains,” our Downing Street source’s stand in stands up and holds forth.

The new measures have seen huddled teams working through the night to widen the famous gap between the doorstep of a subterranean train and the platform edge.

“Two metres. That’s now the law,” the source continues, “we asked people not to block the entry tunnels to platforms while waiting for their hourly service underneath the capital. Other commuters will need those lengths for run ups to board the train.”

But as the casualty rate amongst transport workers continues to grow in the pandemic, everyone can be reassured that once Raab’s eager beaver colleague, Matt ‘Those men who died on the beaches” Hancock has gotten nurses to stop wasting precious PPE willy nilly, while trying to care for the sick and also stay alive (in the face of government shortcomings), that transport workers will be next in line.

“After government ministers.”

After government ministers. Although there’s dispute over that, seeing as how failure to follow WHO advice has seen many of them already contract the illness.

But why increase the famous gap underground to two metres? Purely to follow proper guidance? It will surely mean some workers falling through the gaps left by policy makers.

“I didn’t think this article was about care homes?”

No. It’s not. But now you mention it.

“Let’s stay underground,” the source misdirects, “it’s two metres because that’s the size of the gap between the ears of the Man Who Discovered Dover and is now acting prime minister.”

A neat coincidence.

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Underpaid and poorly equipped nurses delighted that Boris Johnson is feeling better

He shall rise on the third day, feeling a lot better and in good spirits. Hardworking NHS staff, on unskilled pay grades and lacking proper PPE, have been given a boost by the news.

“This makes life so much better straight the way,” remarked jubilant intensive care nurse Allie Looyah. “We face a difficult and dangerous job, treating highly infectious patients. No social distancing for us! They say they should of given us proper safety gear. Well, I say that’s health and safety gone mad, that is. The news that Boris is getting better is a real shot in the arm. It’s worth more than any amount of face masks and money!”

What do you think about people clapping for nurses?

“Clap for me? Well it wouldn’t be the first time!” she quipped. “Occupational hazard, innit? We was always playing doctors and nurses back in the day, know what I mean, bound to cop a dodgy one now and then. These days though, we are run off our feet, there ain’t no time to wave are legs in the air. Still, Boris is on the mend thank goodness. He can ruffle my feathers any time!”

No, no, we meant the weekly applause.

“Oh yeah, right you are,” giggled Looyah. “It warms the cockles, doesn’t it? Nothing like nice warm cockles. Makes it all worth while. Worth its weight in gold. Gives you a nice warm glow inside, reminds you that another week has passed and you’re still alive. It’s the best feeling in the world.”

Even if you haven’t got proper protection or adequate pay?

“Absolutely,” Looyah confirmed. “Boris getting better gives you hope too, doesn’t it? He’s a fighter as well as a lover!”

She stopped suddenly, closed her eyes, gasping as if short of breath. Not coronavirus symptoms?

“No, just imagining how I’d nurse Boris back to full health!” she admitted.

Don’t forget to use the right sort of protection.