LCD Views

THE FASTEST RESPONSE IN EUROPE: Britain is doing more to help the most needy during the current Ukraine invasion crisis. Yes, people may be losing their homes, their livelihoods and their lives, but there is a bigger issue here, one Tory MP has claimed.

“Many important Russians will be losing a lot of money in this crisis,” claimed unprominent back bencher and ERG wannabe Rushin Plant. Plant cites a report from a Misplaced Focus Group, of which he is also an unprominent member.

“Won’t somebody please think of the oligarchs?” Plant pleaded. “Yes, there may well be refugees and bombs and stuff, but the real sufferers are the starving benevolent wealthy Russians who fund the Red Army. Think of the billions of roubles sunk into tanks and uniforms and the suchlike. That’s an incredible investment, and they deserve to see a proper return on their money!”

Plant praises the UK’s swift and generous action. “Boris Johnson has, as ever, trodden the fine line with outrageous success,” he claimed. “By talking tough, he has mollified the rest of the world, and cocked a snook at the EU. He has also acted to protect valuable Russian assets. By agreeing sanctions, but giving Russians enough time to move their allegedly ill-gotten gains, he has balanced the twin demands of immediate action and of protecting his paymasters.”

Plant is not the only Tory to praise the government’s swift inaction. Many others, allegedly in receipt of large sums of Russian money, backed Plant as openly as they dare. “One must not be too hasty in judging the rights and wrongs of the situation,” said the equally obscure Tory MP Vlad E. Vostok. “There are good and bad people on both sides!”

In the end, we are all going to have to live with Russian corruption and the pollution of democracy.

DEAD END GAME : Russian dictator and alleged major funder of the Conservative and Unionist Party, Vladimir Putin, is said to be deeply concerned his time working as one of Death’s star employees maybe coming to an end.

The decision to invade Ukraine has summoned up distinct 1939 vibes in Europe and across the world. It’s possible the master manipulator may have finally overplayed his hand as he adds to what is an already impressive scorecard of killing innocent people.

“He may also have overpaid for Western politicians,” an insider tells LCD Views. “He’s been shelling out for pliable Western politicians for over a decade and they’re currently not coming through. They really came through for Brexit. They came up trumps for Trump. They collectively turned a largely blind eye to mass killing in Syria. Although that was easier as the people weren’t European and it was all very confusing. But maybe he’s given them all a reason to just dump him and keep the cash. Shocking.”

One thing Mr Putin has achieved is everyone talking about him, but perhaps not in the way he imagined.

“He needs an out strategy,” the insider acknowledges, “as there is no possible win now he’s launched the slaughter in Europe. It was a complete shock that after nearly a decade of fighting against him the Ukrainians didn’t just line the streets and welcome the baffled Russian conscripts in. Who would have thought it? Now he either has to level the country and claim a mountain of corpses wanted him to free them from fascism, or retreat. Still, at least petrol is costing a lot more. If only we could ship it.”

But it seems the real fear for the aged bareback bear rider maybe exile in the West.

“He will need a safe country to flee too soon if the oligarchs’ kids can’t get to their yachts in the Med. The UK looks good. It’s got all sorts of wannabe fash going on in government. But even that comes with anxiety as it seems the only safe space that will be left for him is the same safe place for all the other washouts. A presenter on GB News. There’s no coming back from that.”

WHY SHOULDN’T YOU BUY RUSSIAN UNDERPANTS: As the Ukraine crisis intensifies, one man is at least trying to lighten the mood. Russian-sponsored comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going full international statesman and cracking ancient Dad jokes. 

As the Russian invasion force reaches the site of the notorious Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the old joke has gained new traction. The unfortunate troops may end up being hung out to dry. 

But it is Johnson who can afford to see the funny side, safe in his secret bunker paid for by generous Russian donors. “A dad joke a day keeps invaders at bay,” is his new personal motto. 

This is according to a rather more unreliable Downing Street source than usual, Carrie Johnson. Carrie, herself undertaking a sponsored pregnancy drive on behalf of the Conservative Friends of Russia, volunteered to fulfil the position of Official Spokesman. The previous incumbent resigned after failing to realise that televised lies count more than private ones. 

“Boris Stanleyvitch has been told – I mean, has decided, to raise the spirits!” she told assembled hacks, desperate for a scoop. “He is working his way through a crate of spiffing spaffing vodka right now! Why so serious? Russia will win – hooray! Let’s be cheerful. Always look on the bright side of life!” 

Quite appropriate for a crucified man being hung out to dry. 

“No? Not a titter? Not so much as a smile? Well I almost wet myself laughing when I heard it the first time,” Carrie continued. “Those poor peasants in fatigues, just think about them! Ha ha! Fall out? More likely to fall off, I should think!” 

The fall out from that comment was that every man present subconsciously crossed his legs. At least they were spared the same fate. But just in case, you should never buy Russian underpants. 

Because Chernobyl fall out. 

PARTY LIKE IT’S 2020 : The British Prime Minister has announced that all pandemic restrictions in the UK are to end in what is seen as a “watershed moment” in UK law and order.

The decision to end the last vestiges of control over the potentially fatal virus comes after only a 170,000 people have died in the UK thanks to the “ramped up” governance of Mr Johnson and his Conservatives over the last couple of years. While many, many, many more lives could have been saved with a competent and concerned executive instead of a “tumbling haystack of shite”, it’s expected that everyone will forget about yesterday immediately and focus instead on how wonderful tomorrow will be.

“Our donors are fed up with opening new bank accounts too to stuff PPE cash into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The burden of having to work out what to do with so many windfalls is not well understood by the man on the street. Just how many Georgian manors can you buy?”

Although what has happened to public money will also hopefully simply be forgotten as the Chancellor has already written off billions lost to fraud.

“Just don’t forget to pay that parking fine or you’re for it! Ha!” the source advises.

But the major benefactor of the end of restrictions will be Mr Johnson and his close inner circle.

“It’s seen as the only real way out of an endless catalogue of alleged lawbreaking by 10 Downing Street is to have no laws to break,” the source adds. “With the lifting of all restrictions we can finally sweep the past into the long grass and get on with the job of levelling up the country with some other avoidable calamity to conceal the acid of Brexit.”

It’s believed that the coming weekend in Downing Street will be “epic”.

“We are going to party like it’s 2020!” the source enthuses. “And there’s nothing anyone can do about it because their professional lives depend on not doing anything about it.”

SAFE KEEPING NEVER GOT SAFER : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a “disordered” and “panicked” state this morning, just like every other morning, after Storm Eunice ploughed through the United Kingdom leaving a path of devastation in its wake unrivalled by all but Mr Johnson’s daily attempts at governance.

But even as the clean up begins there are troubling reports for the Prime Minister. First and foremost it appears the storm was unable to clear the backlog of lorries winding out of Dover and clogging up the arteries and veins of the UK’s trade network.

“We had expected the winds to at least take a few trucks out of the queue,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But no. Which is just bloody typical, given it has EU in its name. We didn’t want to be part of the storm anyway just because of the name. And here we are? What exactly were the benefits of being involved in such an international event if it doesn’t blow away pissed off truckers?”

And there’s even worse news with the breaking story that the damage to the O2 Arena’s roof has had unintended consequences.

“It’s a crying shame,” the spokesman agrees. “All the copies of the Sue Gray report, and the little USB sticks the backups were stored on, were being stored for safekeeping under the O2 Arena’s roof. They’re all gone. Blown into the Thames and the alleyways of Greenwich. We advise anyone finding sheets of paper covered in damning evidence of the 10 Downing Street lockdown rule breaking to walk on by. Just keep going. To hold them in the light of day could be incredibly toxic. Especially for the Prime Minister.”