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First child conceived and born in Dover lorry queue to start school in Dover lorry queue

SCHOOL OF LIFE : Little LUCILLE McTAGGART, 4, is to start school today in what is seen as heralding a “new age” in the history of the Dover Lorry Queue.

Lucille’s parents, Barb and Barry “Bazz” McTaggart, met in the early stages of the endless traffic jam and say they “bonded immediately over the tangible benefits of Brexit”. While some have decried the ending of seamless trade with continental Europe, in preference for the pursuit of the fantasy trade deal with Somewhere championed by the UK’s biggest Instagram star, Liz Truss, Barb and Bazz won’t hear a word against it.

“If it wasn’t for the self-defeating and cretinous decision to Brexit our little angel wouldn’t have been born in the first place,” Barb told LCD Views. “From the moment Bazz showed me his mobile phone data allowance and offered to let me keep warm in his cab binging on Netflix, while we waited for our paperwork to be checked by the single UK Custom’s officer hired to deal with Brexit completed his training, I knew something special had begun.”

It seems the pair initially watched the entirety of German dystopian sci-fi thriller ‘Dark’ before moving onto classic American output ‘The Tiger King’ when they realised “just outside Dover is where we live now.”

Their trucks were eventually welded together to create a two-story townhouse with both cabs facing in opposite directions in homage to the ‘push me pull you’ llamas that feature in Doctor Doolittle – “the first film we watched while waiting for clearance to board a ferry that never sailed. But that’s okay because the oil tanker of love had already pulled into port. All aboard!”

“We hope Lucille will be the first child to graduate from University in the Dover truck queue,” Bazz added, “I would once have thought I’d have wanted any child of mine to join me in the freight business, but thanks to Boris Johnson that’s a fucking shambles.”

We did ask Lucille for comment over her feelings on starting school but all she did was roll up her sleeve and show us a tattoo of a love heart that contained the words “Mum and Dad” before changing the family home’s oil, and siphoning off some diesel fuel from her neighbours.

“She’s a cheeky one,” Barb admits, “but you’ve got to make your own fun in Brexitannia. Not many children get to grow up knowing they’re only alive because of the overwhelming idiocy of 52% of the UK voting population on one day during which social media manipulation, electoral fraud, outside interference, Empire nostalgia, racism, the horse shoe of delusional far left and far right political leadership, and catastrophic economic illiteracy by Tory MPs like Sunak and Redwood came together to make a Kremlin bankrolled, frog faced fucktard’s dreams of national isolation come true, but Lucille McTaggart is one.”

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BREAKING : Dover lorry queue declares independence from U.K. and applies to join EU

A NATION OF TRAFFIC QUEUES : DOWNING STREET’S plans to criminalise UK-EU trade have hit an unexpected obstacle today after the thousands of truckers stuck in Dover decided to declare themselves a nation state and additionally declare universal independence from the United Kingdom.

It was believed by Prime Minister Johnson and Home Secretary Priti Patel that they were about to score an easy PR win in the field of crime and punishment by arresting 10’s of 1,000’s of truck drivers all at once under new laws aimed to make the most of Brexit, and end cross channel trade for good in preference of trade deals with distant Narnia. But the sudden declaration by the truckers has caused “mayhem” inside the Executive.

Speaking to the press this morning the representative of the “The People’s Republic of Truckers” said that they had been “stuck so long in the Brexit tailback” that many had “formed new families and indeed a distinctive and unique cultural identity”. It is thought the first births of babies conceived in the massive and endless customs queue was the trigger to declaring themselves a nation state.

“We will be writing our constitution on red tape,” the representative said, “as it’s the sudden and horrifying growth of Brexit red tape demolishing our once seamless trade links with the Continent that forced the world’s newest nation state into being.”

Quite what the Prime Minister will do is not yet clear, although many believe he will be happy to see the formation of the The People’s Republic of Truckers as it takes care of an unsolvable problem caused by his Brexit.

“We look forward to welcoming the UK’s biggest Instagram celebrity, Liz Truss, to our new country and trust that a comprehensive free trade deal can be agreed in rapid time. But first we have to join the EU so she has to negotiate with Barnier.”

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Boris Johnson to claim asylum in Ukraine

THE ASYLUM HAS TAKEN OVER THE LUNATICS: With his unpopularity at an all time high, Boris Johnson is on the lookout for an exit strategy. A good one. One that allows him to leave his disastrous term as Prime Minister behind, without the ignominy of resigning. 

The war in Ukraine, triggered right on cue by his psycho pal Putin, offered him an opportunity. The world’s spotlight is on Eastern Europe, conveniently close to Russia, and far enough away so that only the most sycophantic media can be bothered with him. 

Here, a simple walkabout in the deserted streets of Kyiv with today’s hero Volodymyr Zelensky, was just what Johnson was looking for. Publicity shots over, media bootlickers safely barricaded in their hotel rooms getting wasted on bootleg vodka, here was his big chance. 

Nobody knows exactly what passed between the two men in the presidential bunker. Certainly not Johnson, whose memory and mouth are in no way connected. Zelensky was not revealing anything, either, although his stony demeanour indicated something extremely unpleasant. 

Most reliable reports, or at least, the least unreliable ones, suggest that Johnson intended to claim asylum in Ukraine. And Zelensky, who wished Johnson a million miles away, was unable to refuse. 

Johnson will be able to hide in a whole country, instead of the traditional walk-in fridge. From this safe vantage point he will be able to watch the UK crash and burn, without being there when it happens. His loyal army of social media bots (paid for by Putin) will be able to assert that this only happened because of Johnson’s absence. 

In a sense this might be true. The crashing and burning would happen much faster with Johnson in charge. 

And when the whole sorry business is over, he can call Uncle Vlad to rescue him, his work done. 

And then Putin can send him to the gulags. 

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Priti Patel to become Chancellor because she has a great head for numbers

I’LL HAVE ONE NUMBER FROM THE TOP ROW, RACHEL, AND FIVETY FROM ANYWHERE ELSE: And with any luck you will be able to calculate Priti Patel’s chances of becoming Chancellor. With Rishi Sunak under pressure after outing himself as a typical Tory, the search is on for a safer pair of hands. The Countdown is on. 

Patel herself is under pressure at the Home Office, being a bit too hostile and misanthropic even for Conservatives to stomach. Many feel she would be better suited to banishing money to far-off lands, instead of people. 

“I would say that she is odds-on favourite for the job,” claimed financial commentator Algie Brah. “Or is it evens? Are the odds evens? Does the Prime Minister know? Anyway, it all adds up. Patel will make a fantastic Chancellor. Her numerical skills are firsteth rate, and she is excellent at division!” 

Patel would have to square a lot of circles. This might be difficult, even for her, given that the sole abacus owned by the Treasury is (allegedly) still calibrated in Imperial measures. 

“It’s definitely a conundrum,” admitted Brah. “There’s no cash available to spaff on log tables or slide rules. And only 30 seconds to solve it. Patel is planning to kidnap – I mean, employ – Ukrainian boffins to calculate the value of all the backhanders in brown envelopes distributed by Putin. The rouble is changing value all the time, and the government needs to know their value in Sterling. For their accountants, you know. Got to keep on top of one’s undeclared income.”

An announcement will be made at eleventeen minutes past midnoon o’clock this Sunderingday. 

There will be hell to pay, of course. Just to have Patel on the government’s books will cost us three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds. 

And that’s Numberwang. 

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Boris Johnson to solve cost of living crisis by declaring it to be over

WE GOT THE COST OF LIVING CRISIS DONE: Prime Minister and dietary expert Boris Johnson has solved the cost of living crisis. He has simply decided that, since he can still afford to live, that there is no crisis any more. 

After all, he Got Brexit Done by allowing all the extensions and grace periods to expire. He Got Covid Done by losing interest in it as soon as the clamour got too loud. 

Crisis? What crisis? is his cry. As every child all over the world knows, if you close your eyes, whatever you were looking at disappears. Johnson is no longer looking at the crisis. Therefore, it doesn’t exist. The logic is impeccable.

Having decided upon a strategy, however feeble, Number Ten is sticking to it through thick and thin. Or at least until the outcry becomes too much, and the tabloids begin to report on it. 

“You simply have to believe in better,” admitted the famous anonymous Downing Street Source. “Think yourself warm. Think yourself well fed. Urge your car to run on empty. It’s not hard!” 

What does the Source say about actual people actually freezing and starving to death in Britain right now? 

“These alleged people are not believing hard enough,” chided the Source. “They must be lefties, remainers, unpatriotic country-haters, do-gooding Guardian readers who want the country to fail. If such faithless losers die, then what is it to us? We will be stronger and better off without them!” 

That’s not much help, to be fair. 

“Lie back and think of England!” said the Source. “Think of the compassion of Priti Patel, the firm competence of Dominic Raab, Nadine Dorries’ effortless command of her brief, and the all-encompassing love of Boris Johnson! I’m getting a nice warm glow right now!” 

They think it’s all over. It is, now. 

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PM planning to ‘lie’ to combat cost of living increases

HOT AIR IN SURPLUS : BRITAIN’S WORLD LEADING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is under pressure to do more to combat the UK’s cost of living increases.

It’s believed the fact that he “just begs donors to pay for all of his stuff” has led him to see food banks and energy poverty as “hilarious”, but that maybe insufficient to combat a drop in his personal polling.

“Clearly all he needs to do now is prominently pretend to be teaching Zelensky how to beat Putin,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s beaten the pandemic by ignoring it. It took a while for that plan to come to fruition but it has. He’s solved Brexit by ignoring it, thanked massively by the UK media and official opposition who can’t even speak about its negative consequences for fear of erupting in flames. But what to do about the insane inflationary pressures affecting voters?”

Lie about it.

“He’s falling back on his classic political strategy,” the source confirms. “If you can’t ignore it then you lie about it. The voters will lap it up and ask for more.”

Whether or not just lying will be sufficient as voters try and decide if their cat is now a luxury item is anyone’s guess, but Britain can be grateful to have a PM willing to “give it a go”.

“The real danger is a temporary cessation of insanity in the global news cycle,” the insider adds. “At the moment old Bojo can latch onto any number of nutters to deflect from being a wrecking ball through the UK economy and living standards. But if things settle down for a bit and domestic news gets to grab the headlines with both hands, well, all his years of training will be put to the test.”

But Downing Street is not idle in the face of the coming storm.

“He’s set up a working party to decide if it’s feasible to blame Brussels for the food riots expected later in the summer,” the source says, “which of course it is. If they’d never forced us into Brexit we wouldn’t be having such a deep labour crisis twinned with massive increases in admin costs to import and export. Whatever an export is.”

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Boris Johnson to ease the cost of living for the poorest millionaires

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE MILLIONAIRES: The Prime Minister is finally taking steps to help those hardest hit by the cost of living increases. The least well off millionaires will be supported by the government through these trying times. 

Millionaires are being squeezed at both ends. Changes to National Insurance rules mean that they will actually have to pay it. Also, with cheap EU labour having fucked off home thanks to Brexit, many are finding it hard to acquire cheap labour to clean their mansions and raise their snotty kids. The furious clampdowns on illegal immigrants means that even millionaires living near Dover can no longer obtain under-the-radar staff. 

So the millionaires are having to employ British workers. And they are once again caught in a bind. Not wishing to catch covid from the massed ranks of the Great unwashed, millionaires are demanding the very vaccine passports that they so recently loudly objected to. 

Even at minimum wage, that’s an increase in costs that will deprive little Tarquin of one of his skiing holidays. 

Tales are circulating amongst the nouveaux pauvre of the unthinkable sacrifices they are having to make. Some are down to their last four Range Rovers. The hardest hit are having to contemplate selling one of their second homes. 

Into this disastrous situation steps Boris Johnson with a rescue package. In exchange for donations in perpetuity to the Conservative Party, Johnson is pledging first dibs on government contracts and tranches of gas company shares. And every ten years, a free coffee. It’s the ultimate loyalty scheme. 

This will be paid for by extra taxes on those who actually need to work for a living. It’s the duty of the lower orders to subsidise the lifestyles of their social superiors, this is one of the principal cornerstones of British Society. 

Poor little rich kids. 

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BREAKING: Tory MP discovered who is not taking drugs, shagging anything that moves, or accepting dodgy donations

ROOKIE MISTAKES: Intensive investigations into Tory sleaze have revealed the existence of a species thought to be extinct. A solitary Conservative MP has been discovered whose lifestyle is beyond reproach. 

This MP is devoted to his wife. He doesn’t take drugs. He manages to get by on his paltry stipend of 82 grand without claiming expenses for heating his stables or taking on extra work as a lobbyist. Indeed, he appears to spend most of his time working as a full time MP. 

He votes with his conscience. He devotes much time to constituency issues. He always acts with the greatest respect and integrity. 

Except in one crucial respect. Terry Dactill remains a member of the Conservative Party. 

LCD Views naturally tried to contact him, but unfortunately he was far too busy negotiating with energy suppliers on behalf of his most vulnerable constituents, and was reluctant to attract publicity. 

So instead we sought the opinions of those brave investigators who uncovered his existence. 

“Terry Dactill is a throwback, you might even call him a dinosaur,” claimed fearless journalist Carole Singer. “I have personally trawled through the records of over three hundred Tory MPs over the last six years, and never have I seen such egregious integrity and attention to detail. He has never so much as claimed for a parking ticket! I’m shocked to the core.”

Singer has a vast store of information about Tory parliamentarians. Many acquire descriptive nicknames or plays on their real names. Michael Coke, Michael Fabrication, Captain Bag-of-Custard, Rishi Scrooge, Miss Yo-yo Knickers, and Geoffrey Two-Jobs provide a colourful selection. 

“Dactill even keeps a copy of the Nolan Principles on his desk at the House of Commons,” continued Singer in an awed voice. “I’ve never seen that in my whole life. It’s as if I’ve been transported back to the mid 20th century!” 

There is also rumoured to be a nickname given to decent, honest Tory MPs by their peers: idiots. 

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BREAKING : PM to lead Tory Party in doorstep clap to celebrate steep cost of living

TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT : The one and lonely Boris Johnson is to lead his party in a doorstep clap this evening at 8pm to celebrate today’s eyewatering cost of living increases.

A Downing Street source said the decision to clap for people suddenly finding themselves in poverty, and those now teetering on the brink, was made in order to allow the entire Conservative Party to make a public show of just how pleased they are with themselves.

“Squeezing the fat out of the lamb until it bleats, and then collapses, is the number one goal for Tory MPs,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The fact that we have overseen the worst drop in living standards in history and are just allowed to carry on making things worse and worse, it really shows we have captured British politics and strangled it.”

It’s believed especial pleasure is being taken over the public discourse about the crippling increases in day to day costs for hardworking British families, and the other ones.

“No one is mentioning Brexit. Not us. Not Labour. It’s amazing. We’re really winning here. We’ve disinvested in public services and lined our friends pockets for over a decade. We’ve shattered our trading relationship with our closest neighbours. We’ve overseen a murderous shitshow in response to the pandemic. Well, the list is long. And really the scrutiny is zero. It’s just magnificent. No one is calling us out for the long history of miss rule. Just demanding we do more now. Rishi doesn’t even know how to buy a fucking Snickers mate. Good luck getting him to understand that being part of a government that has created 10’s of 1,000’s of food banks is not a good thing. You’re dreaming.”

The public are encouraged to join Tory MPs at 8pm tonight and stand on their doorsteps and clap.

“There’s an unseasonal cold snap happening and the physical activity will help warm you up.”

Temporarily.

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Boris Johnson Self-Identifies As Sleeping Dog

Self-identification is a subject that has gained a lot of media attention in the last few years, as a means for people to define their gender and sexuality, but now it seems to be getting another use as our own glorious fuhrer is getting in on the act.

Boris Johnson said last night at a press conference:

“In this age of self-identification, I wish to show the public that I understand the issues facing people who need to self-identify, and so I am making my own self-identification statement. As of now, I officially self-identify as a sleeping dog.”

When asked why, he responded simply:

“You’ve all heard the expression let sleeping dogs lie. Well I’m a sleeping dog and I’m sick of being hounded, if you’ll excuse the pun, for not telling the truth all the time.”

So it’s not just self-identification that’s getting an expanded range of use, an old proverb is having its meaning expanded too.

Already there are reports of confusion and conflict from within Johnson’s fanbase. Some feel betrayed that he has chosen to self-identify, claiming that anyone who self-identifies as anything other than a straight man or woman has something wrong with them (their exact words were too offensive to print here).

Others meanwhile are fully supportive of his statement and are now self-identifying in their turn as sleeping dogs to show that support.

It is further rumoured that a Sleeping Dog Pride group is already being formed, and seeking prime ministerial patronage.

Exactly how this form of self-identification will affect the next national census is unclear, still, the research department have a few years yet to figure it out.