Posted on

VE Day conga dance revellers to perform classic “Ring A Ring O’ Roses” outside 10 Downing Street

A SPECIAL LITTLE ISLAND : The now world famous residents of Grappledeath are to take their spectacular Covid-19 denial dance act on the road!

Starting this week the street will, by invitation, perform classic British dances in a variety of locations. The first show will be outside the doors of 10 Downing Street.

It is believed the Prime Minister himself will watch the show from the special refrigerated window over the main door to the home of prime ministers from when they knew what they were doing, till now.

“Ring a ring o’ roses is to be our hit piece,” a representative of the pluckiest street in Britain told LCD Views, “and ‘The Dance of Death’. Of course we will finish with a triumphant conga dance.”

There’s rumours that the troupe will also link arms, sway and sing Vera Lynn’s now infamous WW2 classic, ‘We’ll Meet Again’, but with modified lyrics.

“We’ve modified the lyrics to reflect the contemporary times we dance in,” the rep advised, ” so instead of singing,

We’ll meet again,

Don’t know where, don’t know when

We will now sing,

We’ll meet again,

On a Covid-19 ward, sometime after two to fourteen days from yesterday, plus the week or two it takes for symptoms of CV-19 to really kick in”

Critics, and supporters of nanny states that crush inalienable rights, have poured cold water on the national street party tour plan.

“Well, they would wouldn’t they,” the representative shrugged, “I’m a glass half full type. I’m not going to let some cold and flu turn me into a wallflower. We hope Boris will be proud.”

Don’t we all. Just look at everything he’s achieved so far.

Posted on

Country in safe hands now government has developed herd immunity to criticism

Welcome to the herd! Continuous criticism of the way Boris Johnson and his chums have handled the covid-19 crisis has had an un-herd-of consequence. The government is now completely immune to criticism.

As usual, Boris Johnson has been misleading from the front. He shakes off negative comments with ease. “Criticism? Must be doing something right, old boy,” he was herd to remark by a Downing Street ‘source’. “Like water off a duck’s arse, wiff waff, keep calm and hide in a fridge and all that.”

Upon hearing this nauseating drivel, government lickspittle Laura Kuenssberg practically wet herself, before penning another embarrassing love letter to Johnson.

Emboldened ministers have followed suit. Matt Hancock now feels that he can be patronising, smug and rude while telling people to watch their tone.

Priti Patel is so convinced by her own numeracy skills that she thinks she should be Education Secretary.

Dominic Raab can now locate Dover on a map (with a little help). This means that he now believes he knows where Foreign is, so he is free to be the best Foreign Secretary ever.

As a treat, therefore, Chris Grayling has ordered a celebratory ferry with garlic bread and extra mozzarella.

This outpouring of misplaced confidence shows how effective the herd immunity strategy has been. To explain its mysteries, we consulted eminent expert Dr Sigmund Fraud.

“The strategy displays a triumph of ego over reality,” opined Dr Fraud. “Johnson’s blithe optimism and utterly misplaced confidence have infected the entire government.”

You must have a cure. Tell us there is a cure.

“There is a cure,” lied Dr Fraud. “But, seriously, covid-19 is like foot and mouth disease. The only way to neutralise it is mass culling. Or, if that seems slightly inhuman, letting infected people die, and brand it as nature taking its course.”

And how can the immunity to criticism be tackled?

“That requires unwavering exposure to facts and reality,” said Dr Fraud. “Unfortunately, much of the press and the opposition have developed herd immunity to facts and reality. The good news is that it’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes. It only takes one person to point out the truth to the sufferer to put them on the road to recovery.”

And so the government marches on, like a herd of elephants in the room.

Posted on

Street parties held to celebrate holding of annual Darwin Awards in English towns

STUCKHOME SYNDROME : Not content with topping the league tables on the European continent for CV-19 pandemic mortality, the merry people of little England had an additional reason to celebrate yesterday.

“It’s a good thing our Churchill tribute act compared the killer virus to a mugger,” one cheerful reveller told LCD Views, “if I’d grasped the basic reality of viral transmission I may have been too scared to come out and party. But where are you safest from a mugger, if not in a crowd of your neighbours?”

And many seemed to share the upbeat outlook as plastic patriot Union Jack bunting was hung from picket fences and the fizzy pop sparkled and burst like a human cell exploding with busy little viral cells breeding patriotically.

“I’m especially proud of how many ‘Honourable Mentions’ we’re getting in the Darwin Awards,” another participant told LCD Views, momentarily stepping out of the backdraft of Covid-19 in a socially distanced conga, “it’s nice that people who’ve (bafflingly) managed to breed also get a nod.”

NHS staff were said to be upbeat and feeling especially needed as footage of the revelry was broadcast by a smiling BBC. Two weeks from yesterday they’ll be feeling just as needed as they were today, or two weeks before today.

“It’s not so bad, lockdown,” a party goer said, “if you can get out on the street and raise a glass to your neighbours to celebrate potentially winning a Darwin Award? Amazing. I may never have to return to the office again.”

There were of course some critics, but in batshit crazy Britain we don’t listen to the gloomsayers. And it’s fair to say that England especially made it one foot closer to not only the grave, but the mythic victory of herd immunity yesterday.

“My grandfather would be so proud,” a final celebrant mused, “when he waded onto the beach to defeat fascism, if only he could have had a vision of his descendants three quarters of a century later? Out doing the conga in the middle of a pandemic? Just imagine that. The rest of Europe can only look on and wonder.”

Posted on

Matt “the accountant” Hancock quells PPE fears with BIG order of face masks from Covfefe

GET THE NUMBERS YOU NEED TODAY : Matt Hancock, Health Secretary, has moved to quell the growing scandal over PPE by announcing a new wonder order.

“My department received an offer, via email, to supply 500 tonnes of face masks from a reportedly reputable supplier,” he told a press conference this morning, “we have accepted the offer and transferred the cash. It has to be a big order because the supplier used a large font when making the offer.”

With concern over the supply of sufficient PPE for health and care workers spreading through the country as fast as CV-19, it’s good to know that Matt is on the job.

“I have everything in hand,” Hancock reassures the country, “a wife of a Conservative MP will be overseeing the distribution of the face masks and everyone will get the protection they need.”

But concerns have been raised, although mostly by traitors, that after the Turkish medical gown furore inspectors should have been sent to check the stock before the order was placed.

“That would just waste precious time,” Mr Hancock rebutted, “Donald Trump himself has recommended the supplier.”

But where is this face mask manufacturer located, if not in Blighty?

“Why Covfefe. And that was more than enough for me.”

Posted on

Boris “SNAFU” Johnson to buy back 400K British blue passports accidentally shipped to Turkey

CLUSTERFARK : THE UK GOVERNMENT has responded today to criticisms of its PPE procurement process after imaginative revelations that it accidentally shipped 400K British blue passports to Turkey, instead of returning the 400K substandard medical gowns it bought in a hurry.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/may/07/all-400000-gowns-flown-from-turkey-for-nhs-fail-uk-standards

“The outcome isn’t important,” the government’s power animal, Chris Grayling, told LCD Views, “what matters is the headline on the day and how much public money gets shifted into private pockets.”

It’s rumoured the purchase of both the gowns and the accidental shipment of passports were all part of a mad scheme cooked up by a complete and total genius.

“Do you know how much it costs at the moment ferrying huge shipments back and forth? Massive. Get yourself into transport. Boom sector right now. Put the house on it. We knew the gowns were actually kid’s nurses outfits when we ordered them. We never intended to do anything but send them back. It was the headline on the day that mattered. PPE TO THE RESCUE AS JOHNSON FLIES IN GOWNS FROM TURKISH DELIGHT WORD SALAD RELYING ON SHORT ATTENTION SPANS.”

But how the blue passports ended up in Ankara is a different matter, surely?

“Not at all. Do you want to talk about the 10’s of 1000’s of deaths that could have been avoided if you weren’t governed by light weight con men? I don’t! Let’s demand our passports back! They’re symbols of our sovereignty. Outrageous!”

And the genius wheeze has a further twist.

“That bloody Starmer will probably raise the issue of the passports next week at PMQs. But we’ve a plan for how Boris Johnson can play that inswinger.”

Which is?

“Faint.”

Posted on

Government explains drop in test numbers is because they ran out of stamps

Ramp up! Ramp up! The alt-increase in testing has been explained. There are many thousands of covid-19 tests, oven ready, to be sent out on the post. Unfortunately, they have run out of stamps.

Lights On But Nobody Home Secretary, Priti Patel, is on the case.

“I personally ensured that there would be sufficient supplies,” she fibbed, consulting her notes. “I personally ordered one hundredty million thousand and thirteenty dozen and diddly squat.”

That’s all well and good, but where did you order them from?

“Turkey, of course, they have got loads that we can have,” she replied, again after riffling through her papers. “They will be on a supply plane today!”

We know that hundreds of small post offices across the country have offered to supply you with stamps, why didn’t you take up their offers?

“I’m glad you asked that,” she stalled, listening intently to her earpiece. A slight pause. “Thanks Dom, classic mate. Dom says, I mean, the government believes, that it’s more efficient to make a grand but futile gesture instead of being pragmatic!”

Again she touched her earpiece, wincing slightly.

“I mean, this country has the capacity,” she stated, brass neck gleaming. “But Turkey has the supplies, and this is a matter of urgency, and this is not the time to have loads of small donations, which will probably get lost in the post. Incidentally, you will ignore my previous comment, and my office has already emailed you a restraining order.”

Extensive investigation revealed that Turkey did indeed have 400,000 stamps, which were indeed on a plane, which is due to arrive some time next week. Unfortunately these are not postage stamps, but Green Shield Stamps.

We put this point to Patel.

“This conversation is over!” she shrieked, slamming her laptop shut.

Things have come to a Priti pass. These are testing times, unless you are in government.

Posted on

Government confirms Covid-19 furlough scheme to be replaced with fruit picking

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE : The Treasury is back in the limelight today as wonder kid Rishi confirms (Tory backer pleasing changes) to the Coronavirus furlough scheme.

“We all saw how George Eustice suffered when impoverished Britons wouldn’t pick his family crops, in spite of Brexit,” an aide to Downing Street told LCD Views, “of course the reason is obvious. We’ve allowed the plebs to live like inheritance millionaires. This has to stop.”

The deeper concern is also that allowing everyone to have a holiday may lead to demands to conditions similar to MPs.

“Of course there are very many hardworking MPs who do not take the absolute piss,” the source looked baffled, “but there are also gold star MPs for who all those holidays and expenses on the public purse aren’t really enough. We can’t have the people living like that. Who is going to bail out the banks next time they’re in crisis?”

Changes to the scheme will allow beneficiaries to “Choose Their Own Adventure”.

“You’ll get to pick between fruit picking, migrant spotting with Nigel Farage or shagging Boris Johnson.”

But what about conscientious objectors?

“Oh, they’ll get to work on Covid-19 wards with what we deem as suitable protection. Just after we ease out of lockdown, as timed to please the Telegraph, Mail and other democratic, humanist bastions.”

Posted on

Telegraph to publish Boris Johnson column on “Sanctity of Marriage”

EXPERT SEXPERT : The SIC (Shagger In Chief) man of Britain, Boris Johnson, has confirmed, via an UDSC (Unidentified Downing Street Source), via RP (Robert Peston) or the good ship SS LK (SS Laura Kuenssberg) that The Telegraph will shortly publish a front page column by their prize columnist.

The prize bull(shitter) of UK print columns is of course the UK’s MOM (Man of the Moment), BJH (Boris Johnson Himself).

The column will meditate on the sanctity of marriage.

“Mr Johnson knows all about the sanctity of marriage,” the source confirmed, “he’s tested it to destruction. Reverse engineered it. Dismantled and reassembled with new parts. Basically, he’s the expert.”

It’s believed the column is both a reaction to recent events and also timed to capitalise on the new baby.

“Just because the baby was conceived out of wedlock, during an extramarital affair, is no reason not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s continuation as the father of the nation. By the time he’s finished he will be the father of most of the nation.”

There will also be the secrets to a long and happy marriage, with critics (there’s always some) already claiming that those sections will be plagiarised.

“There will be a good mixture of Ancient Greek and some medieval French thrown in. It won’t be at all relevant, but it will make Mr Johnson sound superior, by virtue of a bought and paid for education.”

Free copies of the column will be mailed to every home in the United Kingdom and anyone that pins the article to their front door will be spared when the Angel of Death visits the land, ie, not have to return to work at the premature end of lockdown.

“If you want to know about the sanctity of marriage, best to find out from the man who’s lining up a new one, while still trying to wriggle out of the old one.”

Posted on

Matt Hancock’s new NHS app to come with tone control

Mind your language: the new NHS app doesn’t just identify proximity to covid-19 sufferers. It doesn’t just give “Classic” Dom Cummings and his merry troupe of Vote Leave conmen unprecedented access to your personal data. It now teaches you manners.

The app constantly listens in to your conversations. It is programmed to respond when a man and a woman are talking. At the first sign of the women becoming assertive, the voice of Matt Hancock himself will emerge to remind her of her place. Stock phrases are believed to include “moderate your tone, dear”, “get back into the kitchen”, and “calm down, dear, it’s only a conversation”.

One of the app’s developers was due to give us an interview, but, very unfortunately, before he could do so, the nation’s mainstream media discovered that he had once taken a non-essential journey, and vilified him across the front pages.

Another developer was unable to talk due to feminine modesty.

In the end Hancock’s right hand man, Andy Shandy, gave us the official line. He’s a bit of a wanker, and does the occasional job for Little Matt, but had the inside track on the tracking app.

“There’s absolutely nothing sinister going on,” he claimed brightly and not altogether convincingly. “Manners Maketh Man, and women should be seen and not heard. Victorian Values are coming back, thanks to Brexit, and it can all be achieved under the disguise of fighting covid-19.”

Isn’t this all, well, sexist, in the modern era?

“We are taking back control,” he explained, talking slowly as if to a lady. “Stay home, stay safe, have dinner on the table by six o’clock sharp, lie back and think of England. Do your duty for the good of mankind!”

Otherwise men will be forced to break lockdown to get their end away with someone more willing, get pissed, and play golf with other Telegraph readers.

“Exactly,” said Shandy.

And if a man doesn’t play golf?

“Then he’s clearly not one of us,” he replied. “Filthy working class scum, needs to be locked down for his own good. Rules are there for a reason you know.”

The app is also programmed to recognise regional accents. In this case, Matt Hancock’s voice will warn, “Know your place!”

Posted on

CV-19 : “Not fair to compare UK death rates with other countries” because “they’re not run by fucking idiots”

ALT HEALTH : A SPOKESMAN CLAIMING TO TALK FOR DOWNING STREET HAS PROVIDED AN UPDATE ON THE GROWING DILEMMA OVER HOW TO COMPARE UK’S EURO WINNING COVID-19 DEATH RATES WITH OTHER COUNTRIES.

“Clearly we’re not going to compare our stats with the Martians,” Hurd Immunitee told LCD Views, “because there’s no CV-19 there. Not that we know of. But then the Martians are very secretive. You never know what they’re up to. They also have a disproportionate social distancing policy of 179.68 million miles. The inalienable right of Martian men and women to travel the solar system has long been crushed. And we’re not going down that path. In fact I deplore people who suggest we should. Just think of the damage to the economy? Well, not the bodybag and furnace economy clearly. But the other economy.”

But in spite of the clarity some traitors are still insisting on making comparisons between Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson’s sweep through and shut the barn door after approach, and places like Germany, South Korea, Taiwan, Australia, Poland and so on.

“Firstly, don’t bring Poland into it. What do plumbers know about infectious diseases?” the Downing Street Tory Boy looked a little baffled, “certainly not as much as the guy in contempt of parliament over data misuse in a referendum. He’s the expert.”

Who else should we ignore?

“The Germans. They lost the war one thousand years before the vast majority of them were even born, so it’s clear they can’t teach us anything about public health crises. And don’t get me started on the South Koreans. Kimchi is a powerful anti-viral agent. Even knows that already. It’s a pity they point blank refuse to export it. As to Taiwan? Well, no one lives there. The entire place is a mirage built by the Chinese to justify an aggressive military posture in the Pacific. And Australia? Ha! Rubbing cricket balls with sandpaper does not an epidemiology policy make!”

How about we compare the UK to the USA?

“Why would we do that?”

Because they’re both run by fucking idiots.