LCD Views

FACE MASKS FOR DUMMIES: Government chief adviser Dominic Cummings has announced that blue face masks will be compulsory, for all Conservative MPs, outside the family home. The move is designed to provide leadership and clarity for the British public.

Due to negative connotations, use of the word mask will be discontinued and the more inclusive term facial covering will be adopted. Members are urged to achieve the required levels of fit and facial coverage when placing their orders, and an online training aid is available. Cummings also announced MPs will not be giving any interviews due to the facial coverings. He stated, “We do not want government communications to sound mumbled, unclear or incoherent and we don’t want to have to endlessly repeat the same things to get our message across. Until we get a vaccine all future governmental communication will be via meme. Acme-me, a one-man band, run from a garden shed between Durham and Barnard Castle, has been awarded the contract.”

East Midlands MP Andrew Airbridgen said, “I an proud to reveal that all facial coverings will be British made. I have received a letter from a Constituent, who said he could supply the equipment from Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe in Leicester, although Sweet was incorrectly spelled as Swet.” When asked about the spelling he went on to say, “It was obviously a simple spelling mistake. As part of our more inclusive levelling up agenda, the ability to spell will be lesss rellyvant.”

Almost all MPs were surprised by the early morning Cummings, but agreed with the policy. One MP, whose secretary is also his wife, said of the announcement, “Well, it came a little sooner than we expected this morning and she wasn’t able to catch it all, but I think she got the message.”

Many older male MPs were worried they may not be able to achieve the facial coverage levels required by the rules.

Several younger female MPs expressed concern about the standard of facial coverings, as they spend a lot of time and money on their appearance. One said, “I don’t need my hair messing up due to a badly done facial covering!”

A more senior female member, Honey Trapp, who spent decades sliding up and down various ministerial greasy poles, said with a knowing smile, “Succumbing to a little facial covering may benefit their careers.” Other female members accepted the move but were not happy about it. “They will just have to take it on the chin,” remarked Trapp.

Later, UK Internet was almost brought to a standstill, due to searches for the online ten-minute training aid. Internet providers were astonished by the levels of video downloads and the time spent watching them, after googling Cummings Facial Coverings. This phenomenon was also thought to be responsible for an outbreak of nudging, winking (know what I mean?) and infantile giggling in Commons bars.

Several MP’s wives/secretaries were rushed to A&E with suspected PTSD, and there has been an unprecedented rise in wrist injuries/Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It is thought Ann Widdicombe, a lifelong supporter of complete withdrawal, may never recover after Mark Francois asked her to give him a hand with the matter.

A spokesman for No.10 said: “In keeping with recent government policy, the new initiative will be called About Face. British facial coverings will be the envy of the world and will take a lot of beating. We have already chosen a delegation of MPs to ensure this is the case. Their first task will be a fact-finding mission to Amsterdam, where there’s a vibrant facial covering industry. We are hoping for cross party support, it’s vital that everyone is pulling together on this initiative”. Michael Gove is believed to have signed up already.

The final word must go to a seasoned parliamentarian and former father of the house, Kent Clark, who commented, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Conservative MPs have been masquerading as representatives of the people since Adam was a lad”.

BEHIND THE MASK (allegedly): Government advice changes so quickly it is hard to keep up sometimes. But now there is hard and fast guidance. Wearing a face mask in public is to become compulsory, ever since Dominic Cummings revealed to Boris Johnson that one of his mates is distributing them.

How quickly the mask of public decency has been stripped away. The public are expected to mask up, and pay through the nose to do so. Meanwhile, any pretence that this is not a blatant means of cashing in on the covid crisis has gone.

At least it is out in the open, along with gatherings of no more than six people. PPE money is being directed into phantom companies whose directors are connected to Cummings and the government. Money is being spaffed on apps, oddly enough developed by Cummings’ associates, that don’t work, There is no end to the rush to stick snouts into the trough for possibly the last time before No Deal Brexit empties it for good.

“I’ve known Dom for a long time,” admitted PPE seller Fay Scuvering. “In fact at school he was my boyfriend for a while, but I found him to be too controlling. We stayed friends though, in as much as Dom ever has friends. I think he rather admired my talent for stealing the first years’ lunches then selling it back to them at inflated prices.”

This is a talent that must come in very handy during the current fraudocracy.

“Indeed,” agreed Scuvering. “I get my old mum and her isolated friends to make face masks out of old bits of cloth. Then I sell them to frightened hipsters for £25 each, or more if they are stupid enough to cough up. Mum thinks I’m taking them to the local church and the food bank, the silly mare.”

Crisis, what crisis? It’s just another opportunity to make a profit. Your money or your life! Or both, of course.

China recently passed a controversial security law for the former UK colony. President Trump, as part of his ongoing trade war and general paranoia, has urged Britain to apply pressure to China and protect its former colony.

The UK government recently formed the Special China Action Group or SCAG (kicking kuh). It is thought the group name was chosen to invoke memories of the highly profitable trade Britain had with China in the 19th century.

This morning Boris Johnson announced that the government has found a solution to the problem of Hong Kong. Boris made the announcement from Redwalls End, a small coastal village, in a constituency which swung heavily to the Tories at the last election. He also promised a £108M grant for a new Working Men’s Club and Fish Wives Institute. 

“I can announce today that the UK has resolved the issue on a permanent basis,” he wibbled. “The UK will take back Hong Kong and have full control over all laws, without any further interference from China. In return the UK will cede power over the Isle of Wight to China!”

When asked how this will affect the Isle of Wight, Boris replied “I cannot answer any questions regarding the Isle of Wight because, quite frankly I haven’t a clue where it is or what the Chinese will do,” and added “representatives from the IoW were on SCAG and fully involved in the decision.”

Later in the day the following statements were made with regard to the issue.

The Attorney General reassured IoW residents, by saying “Any security laws the Chinese put in force will not affect the residents. The current UK laws are just as ambiguous, secretive and carry a life sentence in certain circumstances.

A spokesman for the Dept. of Transport said “Travel to and from the island will not be affected, in fact the Chinese are keen on doing something to speed up the crossing, but we will cross that air bridge when we come to it”.

The DWP issued the following statement: “All residents will benefit from this arrangement due to the unusual demographics of the island. The elderly will benefit because Chinese culture has always stressed respect toward elders. People of working age and the young will benefit from Improved employment prospects. The Chinese have promised to open Europe’s largest takeaway, which should become a major tourist attraction and being famous for their fireworks, said they will open a new factory to build medium range rockets. The remaining residents who live in caravans for 11 months a year, will not be affected as the Chinese do not charge council tax.”

A local marine engineer said he had already been approached by Just Eat and Deliveroo, regarding Jet Ski’s for food delivery to the mainland.

A Sandbanks resident and ex footballer, who likes a pint and tax avoidance, hoped the Chinese would open a duty-free wet market.

A local councillor stated that he was impressed by the Chinese proposals and negotiations had gone smoothly. Although he did admit when it came to the most important issue, the IoW’s continued access to Britain in Bloom, things had got a little difficult.

It later came to light that the Isle of Man had also been under consideration alongside the IoW. A spokesman for The Isle of Man authorities made the following statement: “The Chinese are obsessively secretive; we did not want them to decrease the openness and transparency of our financial system. We consulted widely on this decision, and all of the 67 billionaires and 241 multi-millionaires involved were unanimous that the IoW was more suitable. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an order for a Caribbean island to attend to.”

Unfounded rumour suggests that he was three legs to the wind at the time.

I’M WITH STUPID: The man who hired a ferry company with no ferries is back. Chris Grayling is to head up the Intelligence committee. An intelligence committee with no intelligence, you might remark.

The return to public life of parliament’s little April Fools Day joke came as something of a surprise to Grayling. He was planning to retire and live a life of luxury after receiving the entire wealth of the Nigerian royal family via email.

However it is believed that the money never appeared, in fact his own not particularly hard earned cash mysteriously vanished. Grayling appealed to the Foreign Secretary for help, but unfortunately Dominic Raab neither had any useful contacts nor knew where Nigeria was.

Grayling will be responsible, among other things, for the Russia report. This document, believed to be highly sensitive (a euphemism for ‘damaging to the government’) is a political time bomb. Grayling’s natural sense of good timing and attention to detail will surely see copies sent to all the national newspapers within the week. Just in case, another copy will be sent, mistakenly, to Keir Starmer’s personal office printer.

With this degree of competence at the top, Grayling will do for intelligence what Brexit did for Anglo-European relations.

The appointment process was interesting, to say the least. During lockdown, teams of MPs have, like many of us, taken part in Zoom quizzes. The intelligence post was the booby prize for the worst performing team.

Grayling is, as ever, oblivious to all of this. His team – some of whom can actually write their own names – regards him as a kind of talisman. If ever there was a man who could snatch failure from the jaws of success, it is Grayling. He possesses the reverse of the Midas touch. The Sadim touch, if you will.

Stupid intelligence? It’s what you get with an oxymoron in charge.