LCD Views

DIPLOMATIC OVER-TOURS : English Prime Minister BORIS JOHNSON is said to have been left fuming during the first day of his trip north of the wall to win over the hearts and minds of Scots.

The trip is seen as key to retaining England’s place in the Union when the Celtic nations secede and federate to escape the food shortages and international irrelevance to come with Brexit in 2021.

The drama today appears to centre around the gift he personally selected for Scottish independence leader, Nicola Sturgeon, and what happened to it.

“It was shortly before 6am this morning when Mr Johnson’s private train, dubbed by Mr Johnson the Hardian’s Express, pulled into Stirling station on the first stop of his whirlwind tour of Caledonia,” LCD Views’ foreign correspondent reports, “Mr Johnson is said to have turned out pretty well, all things considered, having decided not to go to bed the night before. Instead he spent the journey north drinking solidly with friends in order to hit Sturgeon with his chummiest bon homie.”

But it doesn’t appear to be his standard alcoholic shambles that did the damage, rather the gift he had hand picked to win over the frosty Scottish lass.

“Nicole didn’t like it one bit,” a Downing Street courtier travelling with Mr Johnson’s party told LCD Views, “a bit baffling all round. Every leader needs a good fridge to hide in when the wicket gets sticky.”

But not Ms Stugeon it seems, at least not when faced with Mr Johnson.

“It all seemed to be going well enough. Mr Johnson opened the doors to the walk-in fridge he’s had installed on the Hadrian Express, waved regally enough to Nicole and then hopped down like an excited school boy. He was very keen to give her his gift.”

But as a crane lifted the giant, boxed fridge, off the train the atmosphere turned positively chilly.

“Well it may have been a mistake to allow old Grayling to operate the train, in spite of his confidence.”

The box is said to have slipped its moorings, much like Mr Johnson’s diplomatic effort, and crashed to the train platform.

“Some of the box shattered and the gift was visible. Maybe it was the Saint George flag colour scheme? Maybe it was the fact the fridge was packed with smoked salmon? Who can say. I personally was in favour of offering little Nicole the title of Duchess of Ashford. Try and win her around the traditional way. Lands and titles in England. But Dom was certain she’d go for the fridge. Let her feel like an equal, even if the fridge was noticeably smaller than Johnson’s and not fitted to rolling stock.”

Whatever the reason it was with a cool and determined manner that Ms Sturgeon helped several of her guard push the fridge out of the station and onto Stirling Bridge.

“Then she took up a giant piece of lumber and just heaved the whole thing over the edge of the bridge. It’s still there right now, far as I know. Can’t be good for shipping.”

It’s not clear how Mr Johnson took the rebuff though as he immediately hid inside his own fridge.

The dust is still settling on the incident but English headline writers have been quick to point out the failings in Ms Sturgeon’s actions.

“She should have turfed it into the Firth of Forth,” one told us, “that way we could have written The Fridge of Forth! Now we’re just left wondering if Fridgeheart or the Battle of Stirling Bridge part 2 is good enough?”

TASK FORCE SUMMER : World beating prime minister Boris Johnson, now famous for assault and battery of his own country’s democracy, is said to have hatched a cunning plan to outwit the invisible enemy.

“Covid-19 won’t see it coming,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “our intelligence reports it’s bedded down in the Midlands, and track and trace call centres across the U.K., just waiting for autumn to launch a fresh offensive. But we’ve got a cunning plan to outmanoeuvre it on the field of battle.”

The plan appears to involve a series of distractions involving when to, and when not to, wear a face mask in the oft close confines of takeaway outlets. But really there’s something far more clever afoot.

“While the invisible enemy in our midst is puzzling over whether or not to jump between the faces of two people not wearing a mask in a Pret we will be preparing a trap so cunning it’s like putting lipstick on a pig and leaving it outside for David Cameron.”

In essence the plan involves using an obscure parliamentary legislative instrument to allow ministers to change the date summer ends.

“Autumn will have to hold cool its heels this year,” the source continues, “as it’s unlikely to begin until Christmas Eve. This will be a boon for charcoal sellers as Brits experience an Australian Christmas. Throw another shrimp on the barbie Shiela! It’s Christmas!”

The extension of summer will also have the minor benefit of pushing back the termination of the Brexit transition period.

“Stopping a pile up of truckers dogging in Kent isn’t the primary motivation of changing the end date of summer,” the source explains, “although for residents of Ashford it will be a tangible benefit. Unless they’re doggers, I guess.”

Quite what Coronavirus will do when it bursts out of hiding into the towns and villages of England in September, only to find it’s still living on the Costa del Thames, isn’t clear.

“We expect mass confusion. Something we’ve already successfully established within a broad swathe of the UK populace. Once Covid-19 is similarly baffled we’ll drive home the advantage and have it beat by Christmas. It thinks it’s going to hang about in cold air just waiting to leap down the throats of true born Englishmen? We’ll it’s got another thing coming.”

And it’s not just a win for the health and safety of voters.

“A mate of Dom has been given a £108m contract without tender to decide exactly the hour and minute of the day to end summer. Make hay while the sun shines, your honour!”

World beating.