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BREAKING : Boris Johnson names new Ethics Advisor

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK : The UK’s world leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has proven once again that there’s no job vacancy he can not fill in the UK after he instantly replaced his old Ethics Advisor with a new one.

The role of Ethics Advisor to the PM is one of the most coveted in public life as the Prime Minister pays “zero attention” to the advice and just does “whatever the sperm bubbling up around his spinal column demands” day in and day out.

But the new man is expected to be a more active advisor based largely on the fact he’s essentially been doing the job for years.

The appointment will raise hackles in both the USA and Russia though, with the Russian President believing he was likely to succeed Lord Geidt in a function he’s invested millions into over the last decade. Former President Donald Trump is also reported to be “out of sorts”, as he sees himself as Mr Johnson’s “spiritual godfather”.

How long Rupert Murdoch will last in the post is not clear though, given his great age.

“Rupert will move fast,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “He hasn’t quite completed his life long mission to destroy UK democracy, driven by a cultural cringe he imbibed and deeply resented the UK over in his Antipodean childhood. But with Mr Johnson he believes he has the right man to finish the job before he leaves this life to burn the gates of Heaven to the ground.”

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BREAKING : The word “SHOCK” takes legal action to bar it from use in headlines about UK economy

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY : SHOCK news today that an important and much used word in the English lexicon has begun legal action to limit its use by newspapers, and any media outlet.

The shocking news is because the actual word ‘shock’ has been bandied about so much lately in stories and Op Eds on the UK economy that ‘shock’ itself has become sentient due the influx of disproportionate amounts of energy directed at it. And shock was shocked to discover how it’s been used.

“It really is quite shocking,” Shock tweeted on its newly minted account. “I had expected to wonder at the majesty of bees or the blueness of the sky if I ever achieved sentience. Instead I’m just sitting dumbfounded that headline writers in serious publications use me to describe the state of the UK economy. What did you all expect to happen to the economy once you made a nostalgia festival of misremembered horseshit serving tax dodgers and racists the guiding thrust of economic policy? I am not the word you are looking for. Self-inflicted blunt trauma to the country’s temporal lobes, those are the words you’re after. You can’t use me anymore in this context.”

Whether or not the shocking legal action will lead to a shock result is in the future, but the reasons for the word engaging lawyers are in the present day, and were all forecast for many years.

“Hopefully I will be successful when I have my day in court and it can pave the way for other words to take action and assert their independence from misuse in the minds and mouths of idiots. I would suggest phrases take action too. Remainer’s Brexit. Right there. That’s a crime if ever I saw one. Only an idiot would think that oxymoron was logical.”

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BREAKING : Nadine Dorries to privatise the internet

SAY IT ISN’T SO : The UK’s most efficient supporter of the Prime Minister, Minister for Yoghurt Nadine Dorries, has announced bold new measures designed to ensure the perception of Mr Johnson as a useless, lying sack of shite is “upstreamed” back to “a modern day Churchill, but not like the dog from the TV, the other one who led the Light Brigade in the defence of Mercia”.

The new measures are specifically in response to the discovery that just entering “PM” into an internet search leads users to find page after page of news articles critical of the Prime Minister.

A spokesman for the Culture Minister told the press today that privatising the internet was the only way to ensure positive coverage of Mr Johnson returned, thus ensuring “a 1000 year reign of Mr Johnson and his innumerable descendants.”

“There is no reason other than bias for news sites being overloaded with critical articles of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman said. “His infidelities, his lying, his lawbreaking, his complete and total disloyalty to anything other than short term ventures that excite his dopamine centres, his threats to the Northern Irish peace process, his vacuity in policy terms, his concealment of reports over Russian interference in UK democratic process, his failure to be pro-active during the pandemic, his industrial scale deceit to all electorates, none of this accounts for the bias shown by so called impartial news outlets.”

Once the internet is privatised it will be owned solely by offshore billionaires with tax efficient arrangements who will fund social media lackeys and pretend journalists to flood the patriotic digital sphere with solely positive comment. The move has been described as “democratic” by Ms Dorries.

“There is only one thing standing in the way of the complete crushing of dissent and a pure, democratic electorate,” the spokesman added, “the internet. But first of all Nadine has to find it. But once she does she’ll privatise it. The only way to defend freedom of speech is to control what’s being said.”

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BREAKING : Nadine Dorries appointed ‘Director of Campaigning’ after PM calls snap GE for this weekend

DIRECTOR OF COMPLAINING : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has proven he gets all the BIG CALLS RIGHT after deciding to ditch his cancer stricken wife for his (then) mistress and moving said babe into 10 Downing Street. Few would have had the courage to be so bold in their mashing up of their personal and political lives, and neither the Tories nor their client media would have let anyone else get away with it. But he’s not done yet.

Hot on the heels of his smashing electoral win yesterday against his own rank and file the PM has decided to call a SNAP GENERAL ELECTION for this weekend. A special bank holiday will be decreed later today to celebrate the unexpected polling and show it’s not just the Queen who can give you an unexpected day off.

The rumour mill hasn’t even had time to get started on who will be the electoral campaign director for the SUDDEN POLL DAY because the PM has GOTTEN THIS CALL RIGHT TOO and appointed subservient and doe-eyed MP, public starling, ostriche anus eater and go to defender of the crown NADINE DORRIES as the one to steer the ship safely to the bottom of the sea.

“Nadine has seized the coveted job after showing her quality yesterday prior to the Confidence Vote in the PM,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “At the start of yesterday the rebels who were prepared to vote against Boris were thought to be about 60-80. Thanks to Nadine’s work in front of the cameras and on Twitter by the time the vote was called 148 Tory MPs were prepared to bin their careers and go against Boris. Some misinterpret this as almost a loss, but what it really shows is how high a peak the PM had to scale just to stay in office. He couldn’t have gotten to that point without her flawless day of electioneering.”

It’s not just Ms Dorries who is celebrating though, a long cast of previously unknown backbench MPs are set for Ministries after the PM found just the right levers to pull to keep them onside.

“We’ll shortly be announcing the new Ministers for Drawing A Line, Getting the BIG CALLS Right, Moving On, Navel Gazing, Retributions, The Issues Our Opponents Want Us to Talk About, VONC 2,3 and 4, Leading the War Effort In Countries We’re Not At War In, Vaccine Roll Out Boasts and Denial of Reality, among many more.”

It’s not clear how many MPs Mr Johnson is prepared to sacrifice to win this weekend, but the body count will be significant.

“If Dorries can just repeat her efforts yesterday we’ll see another stunning victory for the PM,” the source explains. “It’s now or never. We wait too long and we’ll have nothing left to offer the Gods of Politics in order to carry on just that little bit longer dismantling the UK.”

Remember it’s always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris Johnson, just ignore today, which was once tomorrow, but will soon be yesterday with a lovely day just two days away.

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BREAKING : TORY MPS to decide if it’s time to change the ship’s captain now they’ve hit the iceberg

THAT SINKING FEELING : THE UK’S PARTY OF GOVERNMENT, THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, are to go through the motions tonight of deciding whether or not to change leaders, even though it doesn’t actually matter.

“The ship is sinking regardless,” one Cabinet minister told LCD Views. “Only no one else would be stupid enough to put me in the cabinet, and I’m not yet ready to leave politics and remain in it as a full time corporate lobbyist. For this reason I am giving the Captain of our very own Titanic my full support.”

Who is actually behind the steering wheel as the ship of state capsizes and the passengers begin to fall screaming into the freezing waters will at least be entertaining, as befits the legacy of Boris Johnson. It doesn’t matter though because the Tories haven’t put the country through enough pain just yet to change direction.

“We appreciate that Labour is still backing Brexit as a concept,” the MP went on to explain. “It allows us to run out this particular grift a little bit longer. Fear of the electorate is not our concern. We thank the official opposition for doing their bit. It’s why they lose to us so often, no matter how many lives are lost as a direct or indirect result of a our ‘greed is good’ policies. They always back the biggest batshit idea we have and just quibble over the details. So whether Johnson holds fast to the wheel as the hull splits and spills living contents out into the cold hands of waiting death, or some other lunatic, right now it’s of no consequence. Never mind though, we’ll pivot back to the EU shortly and they’ll follow along behind. It’s gives us a chance to win the next general election.”

The ship is sinking and there’s no stopping it. It is of no consequence if Boris Johnson stays or goes on any particular day.

“It’s just he’s such a god awful turd most people can’t wait to see him finally flushed around the S bend of politics.”

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Brexit benefit! We can now produce coins with the Queen’s head on them for the Jubilee, says Tory MP

HEADS YOU WIN, TAILS YOU WIN TOO: The wicked EU banned us from showing our monarch’s head on coins, claims a prominent Tory MP. This has now changed after Brexit. This is obviously sovereignty in action. 

“And just in time for the Jubilee!” crowed Rose Tinted, the MP for Bunting-in-the-Highstreet. “It’s time we got our money back! No meddling bureaucrat can ever tell us who to put on our coins again.” 

This is an example, she claimed, of acting on the People’s Priorities. 

“Every day on the doorstep, someone will always ask, when can we have the Queen’s head back on our coins?” she claimed implausibly. “But Partygate, I say. The cost of living, I say. No, no, no, the reply comes, we’ve moved on. We want our pride in the pound back. This is the message I receive from my focus group – did I say that? – I mean, from my public, on a daily basis.” 

Tinted refused to accept the fact that British coinage has always had the monarch’s face on the obverse. 

“I don’t recognise that statement,” she said. “It’s about time that we got on with the job of minting and selling commemorative groats with the Queen’s head on them. Only 50 quid each, it’s a bargain, and every household in the country must buy one!” 

It’s incredibly patriotic to produce actual metal discs, made to resemble obsolete currency, with an image of an old lady on one side. This is why we had to Brexit. But when all is said and done, making commemorative tokens because a woman has been in her job for 70 years does not justify an enormous constitutional change. 

“It’s just biased remoaners talking the country down again,” snarled Tinted. “It’s the f*#king Jubilee. Here, wave a little flag and get over it!”

Special Jubilee offer: anyone able to calculate how many Groats to the Guinea without googling will win a very lovely prize!*

*This is Brexit Britain. No you won’t. 

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Downing Street orders crowns printed on petrol pumps to ease fuel cost crisis

A PATRIOTIC PINT OF SUPER PLEASE : 10 Downing Street has allegedly taken some time out today from phoning backbench Tory MPs to threaten them for failing to support the PM, to focus on the cost of living crisis.

The inability to stop the cost of basic necessities rising to aspirational levels is clearly unrelated to any decision made by the ruling Tories, and definitely nothing to do with Brexit.

“Free trade deals with Mars and Jupiter will solve the minor impact of erecting trade barriers with all our former major trading partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. ”Brexit is not to blame and a memorandum of understanding with Saturn’s rings will see a dramatic fall in the cost of everyday goods just as soon as a colony is established on them in 2604.”

But Downing Street is impatient for faster gains and so is acting now.

“The growth of the bunting and flag sectors has now been maximised by placing crowns on pint glasses. This is the way we will demonstrate the tangible benefits of Brexit. But it’s not just by taking actions we could have taken as part of the EU. We will smash safety and employment standards, and top that off by making the eyewatering cost of fuel an almost sexual experience for all patriots.”

While the full details are still to be worked out it’s believed the major excitement copies what has happened with pints.

“Just imagine how engorged you’ll feel when you see a crown symbol on the petrol pump as you empty your weekly wad into your car? And there is nothing Brussels can do to stop us feeling completely screwed afterwards!”

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We are focusing on the people’s priorities by bringing back imperial measures, says Boris Johnson

BACK TO THE FUTURE, PART FIFTEENTY HUNDRED AND ELEVENTEEN: The measure of a man is his yardstick. In the case of Boris Johnson, give him 2.54 centimetres, and he will take a lot more than 1.6 kilometres. 

Johnson, predictably, is bullish about the change. He was never one to hide his light under 36.37 litres. 

“People love the old system,” gibbered Johnson in his usual hi-viz jacket, while disrupting one of the few production lines left in the UK. “Everybody loves the Imperial Jackboot. I mean, measures, I mean, erm, yes, no, vaccines, it’s right that we should move on and concentrate on what matters to the public. Crowns on glasses! Half crowns in pockets!” 

Suddenly those quaint old conversion charts from the fifties are selling for huge sums. How many stone to the hundredweight, how many pecks to the bushel, how many inches to the Rod, Jane and Freddy. 

“In for a penny, in for 240d,” remarked Mark Upp, newly created Head of the Brexit Business Cheerleaders (BBC). “The old measures, or should I say the new measures, are not difficult to 1.83 metres. All it means is that England will now be in a 5.6 kilometres of its own.” 

Equally predictably, the Minister for the Early Victorian Period, Jacob Rees-Mogg, put his 30.48 centimetres in it. “People don’t care about fluff like the cost of living,” he said, weighing each sanctimonious syllable carefully, as if on scales calibrated in scruples. “We are putting the Great back into Britain! Sovereignty means bringing back the gold sovereign, the great British 454 grams!” 

Another minister in favour of reintroducing old money was Artificial Stimulants Minister, Michael Gove. “I’m all in favour of the old LSD,” he remarked in a silly voice, pulling faces as he did so. “Groovy man, far out! The sky is melting… wow, cosmic baby… you should try some, it’s seriously good shit…” 

Although he might have been slightly 6.35kg-ed.

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PM seeking right balance between “laughing at voters” and “staying in power”

OPERATION SAVE FLOATING LOG : The UK’s country beating Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is said to be “fully focused” and “zeroed in“ on what is (in his estimation) the most serious crisis facing the country.

While lesser mortals fret and hand wring over making a tank of petrol more attainable for the aspirational, the PM knows what voters are really focused on is the next twist in the soap opera that is their government.

“Will Big Dog survive to star in the next season?” a 10 Downing Street source asked LCD Views. We didn’t answer as they wouldn’t like the truth.

Keeping the public entertained is of course vital for the bread and circuses model of governance the UK now excels at. There’s no one more exhaustive to watch than old Boris.

“How many children will he father in the next season? Will Carrie be replaced by a younger model? You know the trouble and strife gets terribly boring once she’s had a litter. Time to move her out! Which donor will shell out for the next lot of gold wallpaper? The writers behind Boris know what’s vital to keep the fans happy.”

But to keep the fans happy the star of the show needs to continue to outperform the challengers.

“If Johnson can feign just enough false contrition over his serial lawbreaking and play act convincingly over the cost of living crisis Brexit is exacerbating he might just cling on. It’s vital that he does. Who else could distract daily from the dismantling of UK plc for the tax havens?”

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Now we have left the EU, we can raise parliamentary standards, says Boris Johnson

RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code. 

This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it. 

It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out. 

In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation. 

“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!” 

He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!” 

He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!” 

He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”

He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage.