Posted on

Government adopts “Zero Covid” strategy – numbers will be so massaged no one officially dies of Covid

A PLAGUE IN ALL THE HOUSES : The U.K. is set to be the first country ON EARTH where no one dies of Covid-19 anymore.

“Don’t let them mention New Zealand, you can’t trust their figures,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if they keep reporting no Covid-19 it’s a language issue. The accent. The U.K. will be the first country thanks to the latest Downing Street initiative. And we did it without all the handwringing by regional governors that’s going on in the colonies.”

The initiative is believed to have been thought up by none other than hardworking, dedicated, overworked, totally committed, never resting prime minister Dominic Cummings.

“Cummings interrupted his special advisor’s Scottish holiday to thrash out the details in a conference call with over promoted, confused school boy Matt Hancock. It’s really ironing out a problem in the way CV-19 death stats are recorded in the U.K.”

And while our report is definitely a scoop, the initiative is actually building on statistical work already completed.

“The change to denying reality if someone dies of Coronavirus more than 28 days post diagnosis has achieved a lot for us, politically. And virtually no one has challenged us. This is great. Under the old way of recording actual lives lost to our shambolic herd immunity experiment 92 people would have joined the stats yesterday. But with 28 day rule only two did. This is an example of following the science. The PR science.”

But how will the new way of recording achieve zero deaths in a month?

“From now on each day we will tighten up the criteria. Today only people diagnosed with Covid-19 and dead within 27 days will join the big number in the sky. Tomorrow 26 days, and so on. It’s the right step at the right time to get people back into the office and kids back at school. There, under our recording system, they’ll be safe, and their parents and the staff, because within days it will be impossible to die of CV-19 within the U.K.”

World beating.

Posted on

Trump proves his genius by establishing legal defence of ‘non compos mentis’ well before any arrest and trial

NON COMPOS POTUS : MANY have taken pot shots at Donald Trump since he was ‘elected’ POTUS, all on his own with no help from anyone else at all. But lately others are starting to re-evaluate how fair the criticisms are?

“Apart from the racism and the kids in cages Trump hasn’t put a foot wrong,” our legal eagle notes, “except for when faced with a ramp with a mild incline. Oh, and pandemic response, he doesn’t seem exactly a natural at that. But otherwise, he’s nailed it all. When you see him drinking water with TWO HANDS or one, you see leadership. Well, not so much leadership in the area of international diplomacy or climate change. Still, when you look at the rest of what he’s achieved in office you could well conclude Abraham Lincoln should be blasted off Mount Rushmore and Trump put up in his place.”

And while the list of what Trump made great in just four years is lengthy, especially in the field of red hat sales*, there’s one area where his genius is currently shining brighter than ever.

“Legally he’s a mastermind,” our analyst continues, “daily he plugs away at building his defence before any arrest and trial. It’s impossible to see him give a speech these days and not conclude that he is completely off his rocker. If you’re feeling sympathetic, you’ll plug for dementia. If you’re not, you’ll go for the pressures of the grift have finally driven him bonkers.”

Non compos mentis – Trump can claim it and who could gainsay it? Just look at his speeches, your honour.

*Made in China and not Russia, which is a surprise.

Posted on

Steve Bannon to get four walls for free

ALL THAT SLITHERS AND CRAWLS ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH : Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage’s chum Steve Bannon has had his collar felt.

It appears international patriot and 1930’s tribute act, Bannon, has been arrested for fraud and money laundering. Which is a complete shock. Like, are you sitting down? Bannon is potentially a wrong-un? Race baiting, white supremacist Steve Bannon? Who has the smelling salts?!

“No one saw this coming,” agreed LCD View’s collars correspondent, “Mr Bannon, he’s basically some sort of superman, well, a hero to KKK, fascists, mafia types and anyone who seems to have had their soul stewed on high with a box of moral maggots for decades. Oh and he’s appears to be some sort of go between between certain political and business figures in the US and UK. But I’m sure nothing will come of it.”

But there is some good news following Mr Bannon’s arrest.

“He appears to have been arrested in connection to a racist wall crowdfunding project wherein racists donated money to build a wall. He’s accused of stealing money from that. If convicted he could become as famous as Al Capone. Even if he got down for tax evasion. Still, it’s all about money for these people. He’d like to go down in history. It’ll make him happy. As he sits there. For years. In prison. Rotting inside to out.”

But what now for the wall? Who will build it with one of its architects in prison.

“No one. It was always a grift. But there is good news for Mr Bannon.”

What’s that?

“He wanted other people to pay for one wall and now he looks like getting four walls all to himself for free.”

Posted on

You can now bet on it – odds offered on what Downing Street will screw up next

HAVE A PUNT ON THE UK : The UK is enjoying an unprecedented period of interest in governance, which is of course, not a good thing.

“As always there will be winners and losers,” our Downing Street source shrugs, “and there’s never been a better time to get down to Big Red Bus Bookies and have a punt!”

Wait. Are you moonlighting at a bookies?

“Big Red Bus Bookies have all the odds on the UK’s political scene and you can rest assured we’re not currently run by Dido Harding.”

Don’t we pay you enough? Isn’t just existing enough for a figment of the imagination?

“Whether you fancy taking a punt on Liam Fox becoming the next head of the WTO at 10,000,000,000 to 1 or something more dead cert like Boris Johnson tangled in tent cables at evens, Big Red Bus Bookies is the place to let your instincts take over.”

Anyway, you sound like you’re selling furniture, not promoting a bookie.

“So why not get down today to Big Red Bus Bookies and pop a tidy little wager on Gavin Williamson fighting his way out of a paper bag at evens? Or if you’re after something more adventurous you could go for Dominic Cummings organising a successful piss up in a brewery at 100/1 – should he succeed, bets void if any electoral laws are broken. Big Red Bus Bookies – we do democratic process the right way!”

Don’t bother coming back to the office.

Wait. Why can’t we just bet using an app? You do have an app don’t you? Or are you totally amateur? Is this even a licensed bookmaker?

“Big Red Bus Bookies – after the arrest of Steve Bannon we no longer have an app. Big Red Bus Bookies – there will be no paper trail, whatever your wager it will be between you and me!”

Posted on

Boris Johnson said to be “astounded” at “how much the Scottish highlands look like Mustique”

MAKE SURE TO SEND A POSTCARD : EFFERVESCENT man child Boris Johnson, and whoever he is allegedly banging this month, are said to be loving the Scottish Highlands during his summer break. What Dylin the dog thinks about it isn’t yet clear. But we’re sure he’s having a blast too.

All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but there’s no fear for Boris.

“It’s the palm trees,” a fictional aide travelling with the ageing Lothario told LCD Views, “it’s the way the setting sun is captured by their light. Amazing trees. Like lanterns. The light really dazzles off the waters of the crystal blue tropical seas…I mean. The lochs. Off the lochs. Hopefully he’ll bag himself a salmon while he’s up here. And maybe a stag. No holiday is complete without shooting something. Except a policy problem. Leave those at home! Enjoy a well earned rest at the taxpayer’s expense, or at the expense of some shadowy donor. Yes. He’s definitely on holiday in Scotland. Any suggestions he will fly back over night from the Caribbean for a photoshoot outside Inverness are fake news.”

The confirmation of the touring party’s enjoyment of Nicola Sturgeon’s backyard is welcome, as some unscrupulous ne’er do wells have been suggesting on social media that the Prime Minister has done a runner.

“Oh no, he’s definitely on holiday in Scotland,” the aide reconfirms, “he only does a runner from his offspring, his wives, his mistresses, his daily to-do lists, any detail on anything, anyone he has made a promise to that isn’t going to overly benefit himself, Covid-19 crisis, Brexit negotiations crisis, school grades crisis and the responsibilities of his office.”

Welcome clarification for a troubled nation in difficult times.

Posted on

Latest Whitehall merger: Piss Up In A Brewery merges with Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: In a blatant move to achieve greater efficiency, two government departments have merged. This will allow the core business of embezzling public funds to happen more smoothly.

The Department of Organising Piss Ups In A Brewery will combine forces with the Department of Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo. The total failure of both is being hailed as a great success for democracy, as world beating sums of money have been wasted by both. The merger aims to waste money even more effectively.

The new department will be named the Department of Spreading Nonsense About Foreign Unions, or SNAFU for short. And there is an oven ready chief of SNAFU: none other than the great Chris Grayling.

Doesn’t the remit of the new department overlap with the existing white elephant in the room, the Brexit department? LCD Views talked to Whitehall analyst Jack Schytte. 

“You can’t apply normal logic to this government,” argues Schytte. “Words cease to have their normal meanings. Efficiency, for example, doesn’t mean efficiency. Instead it means introducing a layer of inefficiency,, laden with dead cats, to obscure the true objectives.”

Doesn’t Brexit mean Brexit, though?

“Well, yes and no,” said Schytte. “Obviously yes, it’s a tautology. Then again, no, because it’s a concept that was never properly defined. Ask anybody what it means. Ask the hardline Ultras, ask the moderates, ask a remainer, ask Dominic Cummings. You won’t get a consistent answer. You are more likely to get some idea of what Brexit doesn’t mean, and some irrational rantings and ravings about fish.”

In other words, Brexit both does and doesn’t mean Brexit?

“Exactly,” said Schytte with some exasperation. “This is why it is a disaster. Even a successful Brexit would be a failure, and an unsuccessful Brexit would be a victory. Whichever mast a government nails its colours to will be the wrong one. This is why Chris Grayling is so important. Everyone knows he’s a walking failure, so by failing he will, by his own parameters, be a success.”

Indeed, the entire government is rebranding. It will now be known as Fundamentally Useless, Brexit And Run, or FUBAR for short.

Posted on

Johnson accused of cronyism as close friend made head of new Space Infrastructure Agency

DARTH STAR TURNS : Serial failure Darth Vader now has a cherry on top of his peerage cake after his appointment to head the newly created Space Infrastructure Agency.

“Eyebrows were already raised earlier this year when Mr Johnson elevated his long term friend, Darth Vader, to the Lords making him Lord Vader,” our Downing Street specialist, Mr Cronyism, reports, “and the accusations of favouritism will surface again with Mr Vader’s appointment to run the plum new agency.”

Lord Vader himself was said to be “ebullient” and “grinning from ear to ear, not that you’d notice” at the appointment and believes his track record speaks for itself.

“SIA is actually the result of the merger of two concerns, the MOD and that failed satellite company the Tories just wasted £500m on,” Mr Cronyism continues, “although on the face of it a public enterprise charged with leveraging the UK’s significant weight in trade talks with the EU, by way of threatening their home planets with annihilation, it is expected that the agency will be galactic beating.”

Another facet of the new agency will be its role of transferring billions in public money directly into the pockets of some of the world’s largest multinationals, with no expectation of outcomes.

“The transferring of public wealth to private pockets is the outcome, the rest of it is just noise,” Mr Cronyism explains, “I expect Lord Vader will make an impact exceptionally quickly as the head of SIA. Rapidly replicating his achievements in the galactic war that saw uncounted trillions wasted and ultimately, total failure.”

Talk about failing upwards. Go Vader!

Posted on

U.K. government undertakes emergency ‘Finding your backside with both hands’ training

SPECIAL PLEADING : The Westminster emergency services, all of them, are on standby today after the announcement that all government MPs are to undertake emergency thinking training.

A representative of the local NHS hospital, Saint Truss’s, is said to be expecting “mass casualties”, and they weren’t just referring to any future trade deals negotiated by their namesake.

“It’s not just the expected services on standby,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “police, fire department and ambulance, the SAS are also at the ready. Maritime rescue services. Land search and rescue. Anyone with a dog with a working sense of smell. The whole kit and caboodle. There’s deep fears that once Gavin Williamson misses the target and plunges head first up his backside it will become a siege situation. And let’s not get started on how anyone can expect Boris Johnson to find his backside with his own hands in the dark of a specially adapted, sensory deprivation, hiding fridge.”*

The training is a result of the unending series of cockups by all ministers in all portfolios.

“If you haven’t heard of a minister involved in a damaging furore it’s just because they’re too junior. They’re all at it. Casualties are mounting.”

But while the decision to take the crash course has been welcomed by government critics (that’s everyone who isn’t in government), there are concerns over what maybe achieved.

“That’s because the training is to be guided by an algorithm designed by friends of acting prime minister Dominic Cummings,” the source sighs, “and can you name one thing, one thing at all that he hasn’t screwed up?”

To be fair, it’s hard to accurately forecast anything with your head so far up your arse.

Finding your backside with two hands? For some in government that’s now a very hard target.

*the prime minister is understood to have long passed training in finding other people’s backsides with his own two hands.

Posted on

Uturnocracy – Downing Street confirms it is definite on new system of government

CUT THE BLUE WIRE : 10 DOWNING STREET doesn’t stop working just because the Prime Minister does and today it is expected to confirm trials of a new system of government have been successful.

“Uturnocracy was conceived by the same criminal geniuses that ran Vote Leave,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it essentially allows you to move state assets to private hands, and the relevant cash bonuses, while everyone is agog at the complete and enduring shambles you are making of governance.”

The inspiration for the Uturnocracy is to be found in a more innocent incarnation of the current administration.

“It was George Osborne’s pasty tax that provided the lightbulb moment,” the source explained, “that was just genuine political nonsense, ideology attempting to be pragmatic policy and failing abysmally. But the magic was in how long it distracted the media and public before the inevitable U-turn was made. Genius.”

The key to the new system seems to lie in the area chosen to perform a U-turn.

“That’s where the genius superforecasters come in. Back in old Osborne’s day a pasty could keep the public and media obsessed for weeks. Those were innocent times. The US, Russian oligarch bankrolled libertarian kleptocracy was in its infancy then with Dave ‘the wonder’ Cameron blithely sleepwalking through the corridors of power. These days of course, like a junky on a perpetual decline, we need heavier fuel.”

And the heavier fuel that was chosen this time was the future of millions of school leavers in the middle of a pandemic.

“Sheer genius. Traumatising the masses unnecessarily? All the time waiting for just the right moment to do an about face? That takes nerves of steel. Or complete and total sociopathy. Actually, a bit of both.”

The new system of government will continue now.

“Until the public does a U-turn on us.”

Posted on

Public Health England downgraded to Public Mustn’t Grumble England

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE: Pandemic Positivity is the latest version of government policy, replacing Protect the NHS. The Department of Health and Social Care is appealing to British Groundless Optimism.

Matt Hancock, the government pawn in nominal charge of the Department, made the announcement with the breezy nonchalance he employs when lying.

“Public Health England has failed, because Covid is still a thing,” he said cheerfully. “I was visiting one of our remaining hospitals just the other day and asked some of the patients how they were. And every single one said, Mustn’t Grumble. Their relentless optimism in the face of certain death gave me an idea, so I am creating a brand new, world beating, health quango. I’m calling it Public Mustn’t Grumble England.”

Full details of the scheme were released in a few tweets minutes before the new body came into being. PMGE will not be responsible for communicating with SAGE, acquiring PPE, or disseminating health advice. Instead it will be solely concerned with keeping the Blitz Spirit going.

In fact, a three point plan has been developed, by a single Tufton Street wonk straining every sinew for at least five minutes (allegedly). This fits neatly onto the back of a standard A4 envelope, and reads: 1. Keep calm and carry on. 2. We survived The War, we can survive this. 3. Vera Lynn.

We wondered who would be communicating with SAGE, acquiring PPE, and disseminating health advice. Hancock looked shifty for a moment, then smiled slowly. “Where’s your Pandemic Positivity gone?” he asked. “Why so defeatist? Come on, Brian! Don’t grumble, give a whistle! Sing along, now! We’ll meet again… I SAID, SING ALONG NOW! We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when…”

It’s like the band playing on as the Titanic sank. But hey, mustn’t grumble. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.