LCD Views

AN ALGORITHM DOES NOT A PRIME MINISTER MAKE : Speculation is rife in the socially distanced Westminster bubble this evening that Boris Johnson did not personally write his address to students.

“It was a little preemptive to talk about the A Level grading fiasco if you ask me,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “good thing he’s steered clear of the BTec palava. People would accuse him of an obsessive attention to detail as bad as old May’s.”

But whether or not getting involved in what was undoubtedly a traumatic experience for masses of families now, days after it’s been solved, is too soon will be for history to decide. The content of the speech is now the focus.

“Well, until we can convince the great British patriotic public that Remoaners are trying to ban scones,” the source informs, “or was it outlaw leg before in cricket on health and safety grounds? We’re still focus group testing to see which will raise the most confected outrage.”

The speech itself, clearly too soon, used phrasing that some suggest is not the prime minister’s and may have been written by someone else. Perhaps, dare someone say it, a puppet master.

“It’s the pissed as a fart? Isn’t it?” the source wondered, “and not describing drunkenness with a raft of barely understood and misapplied classical allusions? Well it’s just Boris (Al to his friends) using his famous common touch. Talking to the man, and school leavers, in terms they can understand. Hardly something to make a fuss about.”

But we will make a fuss about it or otherwise we may have to report on the fudging of statistics to do with Covid-19 deaths, the seemingly illegal handling of U.K. voters’ data and the fact that it’s bloody clear Boris Johnson never took a Scottish holiday.”

“No. Don’t do that. It will affect your social score once we’ve finished running your anonymised personal data through our algorithm. You don’t want that. Let’s just all agree that it’s not Boris Johnson’s fault, any of it, as he’s been drunk and on holiday since he moved into Number 10. Which is exactly how I want the prime minister to be.”

SHUSH NOW DON’T SAY A WORD : THE UK has a great way of keeping secrets, especially secrets of the wealthy who may not want their misdeeds widely known in the public domain. And now the Johnson government is about to level that up.

“We need all the teachers back at school,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and because we’ve been running pandemic management like the biggest democratic lottery on Earth, ie all our mates are landing windfalls, combined with a PR crisis, you can be sure that going back to school will descend into crisis.”

Is that the levelling up?

“No, don’t be silly. The levelling up will be the wide distribution of super injunction and NDA ownership. By own our estimations fully one million UK teachers, support staff and children could be the proud owners of a Baby Super Injunction by Christmas.”

Why a Baby Super Injunction? What’s the difference?

“It’s the levelling up! Many of the owners will be virtually babies.”

What will be concealed?

“Accurate rates of Covid-19 infection and transmission in schools. At least that’s the aim. We will protect the mental health of students and staff by doing our best to make sure no one knows where they caught Covid from.”

But why? That’s playing Russian roulette with people’s health?

“Did you say Russian? There’s no way we’re going to investigate that! Ha! Make the transfer comrade!”

Surely families and staff in schools need a rapid test, trace and isolate system in place to re-open schools? Most accept it’s vital for children to resume their education in as safe a manner as possible. But children don’t live in bubbles. We need to be able to move swiftly to contain outbreaks of the virus and manage risk to all.

“We do. That’s why we will be handing out super injunctions.”

Ah, so no one will know what is really going on and you can baffle them with bullshit?

“Ignorance is bliss! Trust me. I’m from the government.”

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: A new study commissioned at the taxpayers’ expense has produced this gem. The Science now says that for children, missing school is worse than having covid-19.

LCD Views has had sight of this document. Well, in fact it looks more like the back of a fag packet. Only we can’t be sure because the writing is Cyrillic. We can, however, detect traces of cheap tobacco inside. Also inside is a humorous collectable card depicting a caricature of Ian Botham.

The stench of corruption clings to the document like stale cigarette smoke. Senior Downing Street sources admit that the price tag for this outstanding piece of work was £108m.

“Send them back to school,” reads the report. “At home they will only learn how to smoke dope and watch TikTok videos. They can’t catch the fucking virus anyway. And get those lazy teachers off their arses!”

We assume this was thoroughly peer reviewed, and that the extensive case studies and clinical evidence have only been omitted to make room for the health warning. We turned the packet over, in eager anticipation of further information. However instead we discovered a portrait of Vladimir Putin, shirtless, on a horse, striking a vaguely homoerotic pose.

And that was it. 34 words. That’s over £3m a word. Which is the going rate charged by Boris Johnson.

Clearly this is an issue that has troubled the government deeply. The economy must be forced back into action, it reasons, and for that to happen people must go back to work. And that will only happen if widespread free childcare exists. The nation’s grannies are selfishly self isolating, so instead schools must reopen.

As a side note, nobody wants the economy to improve. It is in the interests of the rich people betting on a crash, and therefore in the interests of the rest of us, for the economy to fail. But the covid crisis has forced it to fail too soon. It MUST tank around Christmas for the maximum payout. Therefore it must stutter on until it is the right time to pull the plug.

Until then, schools must provide occupational therapy for millions of children, whose life chances will be defined by algorithm in any case.

Then it’s straight back to the blame game to distract from what’s really going on. “Lazy” teachers who don’t want to work in case it makes them sick. “Leftist” teachers who indoctrinate children with the wicked dogma of fairness and equal opportunities. “Militant” unions who care more about public health than the economy.

You voted for this. All of you, especially the ones who didn’t. And don’t forget, you all knew what you were voting for. Suck it up, suckers!