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British fish takes out restraining order against Conservative MP

I AM NOT A FISH OF BRITAIN I AM A FISH OF THE WORLD : A British fish has been to court today in London to take out a restraining order against a Conservative MP.

While there is a ban on press coverage of the identity of the MP, we can wildly speculate that it is the old broken record himself, John Redwood. Although there are many it could be, clearly.

We offer our sincerest apologies right now if it was actually Andrew Bridgen or MIA man of the moment, Mark Francois.

However, the speculation that the MP is Redwood is based on an analysis of his Twitter feed. This reveals he has tweeted about controlling British fish no less than 300,034,974,00 times in the last hour alone.

Andrew Bridgen has been mostly spending his time screaming “Remoaner” at reality, and wiping the baby food off his chin.

Whereas Mark Francois is busy fuelling speculation that he is at the centre of a ghastly police case, but still keeps the whip, because Conservatives are still the party of family values.

The fish itself has been moved to take action in an attempt to free itself from what it calls “coercive control by deluded English nationalists, who fetishize me because of the national myths centred on a maritime past. They can’t rule the waves anymore, partially because Tory governments keep cutting back the Navy and selling off rights to our territorial waters, so in order to deny that reality and take responsibility they obsess over me. And I for one am fed up with it. I see no borders. I am a fish.”

The restraining order will give the fish time to seek whatever help is required. And it had one more statement for the press from the steps of the court.

“I am not an Englishman or a British fish, but a fish of the world.”

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Boris Johnson re-infected with CV-19 after telephone call from Donald “super spreader” Trump

A TISSUE A TISSUE (OF LIES) : THE UK’S GREATEST CONTEMPORARY BLONDE JOKE, BORIS JOHNSON, IS BELIEVED TO BE FEELING HOT UNDER THE COLLAR AGAIN.

The PM’s rising temperature has reportedly seen alleged fiancé Carrie Symonds scrambling, scrambling in the day bag she carries up and down flights of stairs in 10 Downing Street for the cartoon themed digital thermometer.

“It’s touch and go at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Boris really likes the Hulk themed thermometer, but Carrie could only find the Power Ranger one. And he doesn’t really like the Power Rangers. He won’t eat his dinner if it’s served on the Power Rangers plate. Even Toy Story he’s a little adverse too, thinking Woody is a ‘girly swot’. It’s uncertain if Carrie will be able to monitor the giant man baby’s temperature adequately. She has given him a big dose of Calpol, which has only made him hyperactive. It’s manic here at the moment.”

The sources of potential re-infection for Mr Johnson are numerous, as he refuses to wear a mask when he is left at creche by Dom.

“I personally believe it’s because Donald Trump phoned him. Mr Trump has taken out most of the executive and support staff stateside. He’s that infectious. Doctors suspect any variety of contact with the orange super spreader is sufficient to cause infection. He’s just that contagious. So contagious. You’ve never seen a man so contagious before.”

It is likely that this dose of Covid-19 will not be as bad for the prime minister, as he should have one or two lingering antibodies from his first dose earlier this year.

“Maybe it’s not Covid again,” the source mused, “just any association with Mr Trump is now dangerous. He’s so unhinged. And Boris would be well advised to keep his social distance. In fact the entire world would be well advised to steer well clear of even Donnie’s tweets. You could catch anything between now and November 3rd.”

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UK Gov careers website advises “books” retrain as “firewood”

FAHRENHEIT 451 : The UK government website that advises people seeking work on how to retrain has received a lot of attention in recent days.

The surge of visits have been prompted by hotshot, whiz kid, flavour of the month, but soon to sour, UK Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s big shrug of the shoulders when asked what people facing unemployment should do.

Clearly expecting an inheritance millionaire to be able to answer the question was daft, and people were wrong to answer it. But at least the website is there to help, and Rishi Sunak was right to direct people to it.

And it’s not just people who have been visiting.

Now that the UK has made the shift into a fantasy landscape, powered solely by magically thinking, thanks to Brexit, inanimate objects are also logging on and taking the quiz.

“I decided my future looks pretty dicey with the erosion of rule of law and democracy,” a book told LCD Views, “so I figured I better seek alternatives. It was the right choice. The careers website had some excellent options for me to pursue.”

It seems after taking the quiz, which focuses predominately on a barfly’s idea of psychoanalysis, and little else, the book was given two options to seriously consider.

“Both are a lot more exciting than sitting on a shelf waiting for someone to pick me up,” the book enthused, “which is what I do with the majority of my time presently.”

And what was the advice?

“Firewood,” the book replied, “that was the best match. Or as the website called the job ‘Outdoor heating and entertainment specialist, as the centrepiece of re-education festivities to best enable the chosen people to take advantage of the opportunities of Brexit’. It was wordy, like me, and I knew it exactly what it meant. Which is not something everyone says about me presently.”

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Ireland announce plan to build a bridge right over Britain to continental Europe

THE LONG SHADOW OF BREXIT : Ireland’s newest Taoiseach, Micheál Martin, has announced today the decision by the Republic to build a bridge right over Britain and on to continental Europe.

Addressing the European parliament for the first time since assuming office an entirely imagined version of Mr Martin revealed the grand building project. And it’s fair to speculate that Mr Johnson’s love of proposing grand building schemes is partly behind it. Even if Mr Johnson’s projects never eventuate.

“Aren’t you tired of Brexit and all that Boris bollocks?” Mr Martin asked a socially distanced hall. Happily, as there’s no longer any Farage cultists present, the question was met with only raucous applause.

“Don’t you want to throw a little shade on that Eton Mess in parliament?”

Yes. Yes. We all do.

“We’ve already begun building ferry lines to bypass Britain,” Mr Martin explained, “because we don’t want our lorries caught at the Kent border attempting to get to Dover. Only a gambler will risk the world beating IT project that’s going to manage those customs documents. Why not go one better and build a bridge over all of it?”

Fair play.

The bridge is expected to be built rapidly too, as so many EU tradesmen are leaving the UK due to Brexit. And many more will do once the Covid-19 omnishambles recession joins with Brexit proper.

“And the best thing is, Boris Johnson and the UK are going to pay for it.”

With our automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, education and financial services sectors.

“Let’s build a bridge over Boris!” Mr Martin exulted, to standing applause, “and let Brexit pay for it.”

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Have you been mis-sold a “world beating” Covid-19 track and trace service?

I HERD IT ON THE GRIFTVINE : LCD VIEWS’ imaginary law firm, LCD Law, has begun placing adverts in all major media outlets (and one or two minor ones, like the BBC) and wants to hear from you.

The subject is the United Kingdom’s Covid-19 track and trace service, which was sold to the country by some posh sounding old Etonians as “world beating”. And sold for a steal.

If you have been mis-sold the service you maybe liable for a no win no fee claim as part of our group action.

Already potential and completely fictitious clients are jamming our non-existent phone lines and filling up our inbox. Which makes a nice change from the deluge of spam we normally have to wade through to find the one or two genuine attempts at communication.

“I was told it was being ramped up,” Ms Citizen, 2020 Wotthefuk Lane, WTF on Sea, tells LCD Law, “but when I caught cold and opened my curtains all I could see was a shiny suited executive laughing at the contract Little Matty Hancock had handed them. No penalty clauses for poor deliverance? You’re having a laugh.”

And Ms Citizen is not alone.

“I saw billions of my hard earned tax money just vanish into the coffers of Serco and friends and nothing much come back,” Mr Citizen complains, “except Dido Harding looking confused.”

And even now, 10 months into the pandemic, there’s half an app and nowt much else to show for all the money you have poured into the ramped up private enterprise tasked with delivering, or not delivering the service.

“Anyone would think they’re trying to keep us outraged and confused while they pursue a pseudo science based idea of herd immunity,” Ms Citizen frowns, “but they wouldn’t do that. Would they? Not the caring Conservatives. That would be the actions of insecure men, overfed on privilege to compensate for their abandonment issues, who believe disaster capitalism is for the win.”

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I got 125% on my Covid test, says Donald Trump

TOP OF THE CLASS: Bigly brained small handed alleged President of the USA Donald Trump has triumphed again. He claims to have gained the highest ever score on a covid test.

Normally, 100% is the highest mark attainable on a test. However, in view of the importance of the POTUS, it is believed that some extra hard tests were added.

“GREAT NEWS!” tweeted the triumphant Trump from his high security toilet facility. “I PASSED MY COVID TEST WITH THE HIGHEST EVER SCORE. 125%! THAT’S MORE THAN WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON AND THE GRASSY KNOLL! ALL HAIL THE POTTUS!”

The drivelling Donald droned on, electronically.

“BESTEST! BIGLIEST! BRAINYEST!”

Somebody must have rattled the orange onanist’s cage though, because the tone of his tweets transformed totally from triumph to tantrum.

“SOME SAY THAT YOU CAN’T GET 125% ON A COVID TEST!” he messaged. “WELL, I HAVE NEWS FOR THEM! I GOTTED THE YUGEST EVER SCORE EVER, AND THE LIEING DEMS ARE WELL JELL!”

Everyone, well almost everyone, knows that the covid test only produces three results: positive, negative, and inconclusive.

“POSITIVE! POSITIVE, YOU DELOODED LOONEY TOONS!” His Twitter account almost spat this drivel out. “POSITIVE 125%! MORE POSITIVER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER! IT’S BASIC MATH, FOLKS!”

There are those who question both the physical and the mental health of the man with the nuclear codes. Naturally, Trump went on the offensive.

“I’M FITTER THAN A BUTCHERS DOG!” he insisted. “FITTER THAN ELEVENTY TWELVE BUTCHERS DOGS! AND CATS! AND MOUSES! I HAVE THE BRAIN OF A MAN HALF MY AGE AND HE’S NOT HAVING IT BACK! I NOT EVEN GOT A COVFEFE!”

That’s conclusive, then. Covid is the least of his worries. There can be nothing wrong with a man with no filter, no covfefe, and no idea how to turn off caps lock.

BREAKING: Trump’s application to join MENSA has been turned down. Again.

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Boris Johnson’s dad fitted with GPS ankle bracelet to warn public of his location

THE MASK OF ZERO : THE UK’S FAVOURITE GRANDFATHER, DAD AND ALL ROUND PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, STANLEY JOHNSON, HAS TODAY BEEN FITTED WITH A GPS ANKLE BRACELET.

The decision to apply digital shackles to the PM’s dad was taken as he has become a daily spectacle thumbing his unfettered nose at CV-19 regulations.

But in a twist to the story the police deny being involved and it is as yet unclear who wrestled the old scoundrel to the ground, tagged and bagged him.

“The Met have been instructed to pursue an inquiry at haste to find the culprits,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “Stanley has been doing excellent service in our unacknowledged quest to pursue herd immunity in England from Covid-19, without a vaccine, by making a total travesty of laws that could see commoners fined £10K.”

Deepening the mystery is the appearance on app stores of a new app called “Where’s Stanley Johnson?”, which updates users constantly regarding Mr Johnson senior’s location. Be he in London or Greece.

But users of the app have complained it is so busy, the alerts so frequent, that the app is draining their battery with constant notifications and warnings, particularly centred on use of public transport.

“If we can’t find the vigilantes behind the app and the bracelet there’s a danger in a resurgence of working from home,” the Downing Street source fretted, “which will do our donor’s no favours at all. But people just do not want to get on public transport knowing that a Johnson may appear at any moment unmasked.”

Asked whether the police had considered actually fining the serial offender, to display the seriousness of the government’s intent in tackling Covid-19, the Downing Street source just laughed.

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Tory Party conference scraps ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ after no MPs qualify

RIGHT FOOT FORWARD : THE VIRTUAL CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONFERENCE HAS BEEN MET WITH MORE THAN A FEW GLITCHES.

Most notable have been the frequent blue screen events in the middle of cabinet member speeches. Although some suggest that the outages may have been deliberate, in order to safeguard the mental health of the audience, and the country in general.

But one conference failure has been far from virtual and all too real.

The ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ was to be a centrepiece of the conference, with MPs such as Matt Hancock and Christ Grayling favoured to seize the coveted trophy, with James Cleverly and Andrew Bridgen tipped as likely outsiders in a many horse race.

“We’ve had to cancel the award ceremony,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is a shame as we spent a lot of hard earned taxpayer’s money having one of Margaret Thatcher’s pumps gold plated.”

The cancelling of the ceremony will have knock on effects. While ‘the golden shoelace’ is the most coveted prize for excellence available, there were also numerous runner up prizes set to be dished out.

“I think the criteria was too tough,” the source muses, “the bar too high. We should really have set the demand at being able to just really believe you can tie your own shoelaces, alongside an ability to source them from a firm set up last week by a mate of a cabinet minister. Actual evidence of ability was clearly going to disqualify everyone from the most obscure puppet parachuted into a constituency we didn’t expect to win, all the way to giant brain PM Cummings.”

But what will take the place of the award ceremony now?

“Some have suggested an actual tutorial on shoelace tying would be appropriate. But that’s essentially treason, to suggest we’re not up to it. I think instead we’ll just move the goal posts really wide next time to ensure lessons are learned and we all still get our rewards, in spite of the failure.”

No changes planned, but business as usual then.

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World beating positivity – 16,000 Brits have weekend plans saved by missing CV-19 test results!

WHAT’S 16,000 MISSING COVID TESTS BETWEEN FRIENDS : Happy days inside megacorp Serco today with the rumour that the bigwigs will be receiving a record bonus payment for their service to the country.

“In our time of need they were there,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we only have until Brexit really bites to clear out the public coffers, and our friends in private enterprise have stepped up to the plate.”

The (make believe) decision to award the multi-national for its work will utilise the successful strategy employed so far.

“We’ll call it an NHS Bonus Payment,” the source reveals, “as misuse of such a loved national brand gives us political cover, while also eroding public trust in the brand. Neat little one two.”

What the executives receiving the bonus will do with the money isn’t yet clear. It must be difficult finding places to stash it all now.

“I would advise them to set up a firm that specialises in PPE. Put five quid on the books and get ready to be gifted a multi-million pound contract by ministerial decree. It’s nice work if you can get it!”

Experts working in public health are also keen to stress the fantastic job being done by jockey Harding and the Serco team.

“Can you imagine if those missing test results were made available in a timely fashion? It would have ruined many people’s weekend plans,” the source grinned, “but that didn’t happen. People were free to see granny and say ‘Oh, it’s just a normal cold. Otherwise they would have told me.'”

What’s 16,000 missing, positive CV-19 test results between friends?

A hell of a lot of Covid, and potentially one or two missing friends, permanently.

Disaster capitalism. It’s coming for you.

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Priti Patel marked safe from going to Hell as path is paved with good intentions

PURGEATORY PURGATORY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has some welcome news to start the new week, after a gathering of religious scholars over the weekend.

“There is zero chance of the current Home Secretary, the Right Honourable Priti Patel, going to Hell,” the esteemed group of scholars announced, “we can categorically state that the chance of Ms Patel going to Hell, even for a long weekend in purgatory, is three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand against.”

The group statement, issued by the cross denomination panel comprised of all major religions (and one or two minor ones) will be reassuring to a minister who appears to be taking a “cruelty first” approach to designing policy.

“Ms Patel is building on the work of her predecessor in the job. Theresa May set the direction of travel with the Hostile Environment and Ms Patel is bringing an Old Testament zeal and panache to augmenting it.”

It appears not even a complete lack of basic human compassion will see Ms Patel damned.

“No one could have foreseen that not removing a politician caught running their own private foreign policy agenda from the House of Commons would end up being a bad idea,” the statement continued, throwing some cover to the prime minister.

But while the ruling by the spiritual clique will cheer Ms Patel, some are questioning how a cruelty first policy agenda can see her immortal soul to safety?

“Because the path to Hell is paved with good intentions,” the clerics provide the answer in their closing line, “and we can only find cruel intentions in the Home Secretary’s choices.”