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PAY IT BACKWARDS : Man who shared his crisps with Matt Hancock in pre-school lands £252m PPE contract

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT HANCOCK HAS BEEN A BUSY BOY DURING 2020, WHAT WITH COVID-19 OPENING UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO SHINE.

But no where has he excelled more, some may say, than in the awarding without tender of PPE contracts.

And as 2020 draws to a close with a Covid Christmas waiting in late December, it seems likely PPE demand will continue to ebb and flow, but mostly flow.

The people receiving contracts are clearly all upstanding professionals with longstanding involvement in the health and social care sector.

And the latest round of PPE awards show that it’s getting increasingly difficult for cabinet ministers to hand out contracts.

“We’ve been having special memory and recall training with experts at retrieving early life memories,” a spokesman for Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock told LCD Views.

“After the guy that sold Matt a beer once got a contract worth hundreds of millions of pounds, he was starting to draw blanks and his Whatsapp wasn’t offering up any new answers to the troubling question of who to award a contract to next.”

That’s where the memory training came in.

“Matt followed the training. He sat smeared in butter in the middle of a field of clover, folded his hands into his lap, closed his eyes and began to hum. He held an image in his mind palace of PPE supplies and a question mark. It wasn’t long before Roger Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester came to mind. Although not Roger the burly manufacturer of plastic ring pulls of today, but little Roger who Matt once shared a packet of crisps with.”

We haven’t been able to talk directly to Mr Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester for comment. This is difficult as he’s invented, as is this entire article. But we have smeared ourselves in butter, sat in a field of clover, and held our hands in the shape of a telescope to see the future.

And there is Roger now, busily phoning estate agents to sell his 1930’s semi-detached in Winslow and exchange it for a 17th century Georgian Manor House, with attached stables, in deepest Herts.

“People don’t realise that the kindnesses they show in childhood can come back to reward them much later in life,” the aide added, “it’s incredibly Dickensian. In fact, so is the entire Boris Johnson government.”

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David Cameron breaks Twitter silence to confirm that he is still a twat

WHAT WOULD DANNY DYER SAY? The former worst-ever Prime Minister of the UK, David Cameron, has surfaced. His weedy blathering about a manifesto promise only confirms that he remains a weapons-grade twat.

It’s a common theme. John Redwood is firing off rancid missives as though it’s still 2016. David Davis has demonstrated that he still can’t negotiate his way out of a paper bag. By expressing surprise at a Conservative government breaking its promises, Cameron merely confirms his twattiness.

Cameron had a chance. A chance to be decent. A chance to stand up for moderation and British values. Instead he allowed the lunatic fringe to dictate the narrative, and look where we are now. And instead of being strong and admitting he was wrong, or ordering a sensible and mature debate, he ran away. Bravely. To his man-shed, to “write his memoirs”. Twat.

It is a shame to be reminded of the moon-faced idle rich pig-fancying posh boy who pushed the country on its path to rack and ruin. Especially as the current incumbent is another moon-faced idle rich pig-fancying posh boy who pushes the country on its path to rack and ruin.

In between these two over-privileged, under-talented oafs, was the equally unlamented Theresa May. She tried to run the country like a prefect who lacked the charm to become Head Girl. Never good enough, she was bookended by the type of shallow chancer who gets involved in student societies right up to the point where they snag an executive position. Twats.

A better man than Cameron might have been remembered for the unfortunate pig incident and the poncy gypsy wagon alone. But Cameron bequeathed the country with the Brexit time bomb, and scuttled away immediately after lighting the fuse. Twat.

The poison has penetrated deeply. Let’s hope for better times, when the likes of Nigel Farage will be consigned to the fringes where they belong, and be called out for what they are. Twats.

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Chancellor Rishi Sunak to launch “Dishy Rishi 2021 Calendar” at midday today

NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, RISHI SUNAK, IS SET TO PROVIDE ADDTIONAL STOCKING FILLERS TODAY WITH THE LAUNCH OF HIS FIRST CELEBRITY CALENDAR.

The calendar will have one theme for each month and feature Mr Sunak in a variety of dazzling compositions.

“No expense has been spared on the photography and design of the Sunak spreads,” an aide working on the product told LCD Views, “in fact we’ve put more effort into this than the entirety of the economic plan to cope with Brexit.”

January will kick off with Rishi standing disarmingly (but socially, and financially distanced) next to a bin fire and the tag line “We’re all in this together!”.

February will be Mr Sunak distributing bread at a food bank with a smile so innocent you’d never know he could have prevented it.

March will see Rishi as Atlas.

“The boulder on his back will look distinctly like Boris Johnson. But any suggestion this is a subtle play for the Tory leadership is mistaken. Rishi can just buy that.”

April will see a return to Mr Sunak’s most loved environment. Wagamamma’s.

“He’ll take a break from the casual, business chic attire for this one. He’ll actually be taking a leaf out of Johnson’s book and cosplaying as a fireman. The better to help the fire brigade crew fight the flames resulting from the Brexit food rioting.”

Details of the summer months are still under wraps, with the teasing suggestion they will have a playful, swimsuit theme.

The calendar does end officially in December, like usual, but as with some it has a bonus extra month for the following year. January 2022.

“This will focus on winter foraging for food and fuel supplies while enduring a trade embargo from Europe. Rishi will be pictured as King Cnut in this one. Feet in the rising waters and the people grub for grubs on a green and open landscape.”

Pre-order your calendar today and receive a free motivational coffee mug with it.

“That has ‘Brexit – Sunak will make a meal out of it!’ written across it.”

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David Davis reappointed Brexit Secretary after his outstanding negotiations with Vodafone

WE NEED HIM MORE THAN HE NEEDS US: In times of great need, the UK requires a saviour to gallop to our rescue in shining armour. St George? Shakespeare? Benny Hill? No, that greatest of luminaries, David Davis.

The man who spent 18 months failing to negotiate the easiest deal in history has once again displayed his outstanding quality. He spent 6 hours trying to sort out his phone contract with Vodafone, with absolutely no success whatsoever.

This is the man we need at the helm as increasingly fractious Brexit debates still rage. Much of the current team is still at the stage where they wail, ‘Why doesn’t someone tell them we voted to leave?’ ignoring the fact that this is the reason they came around the negotiating table in the first place.

So back into the fray comes the man of the moment. Brexit, we were told, could be sorted out in an afternoon over a cup of tea. Davis couldn’t sort out a phone contract in more than an afternoon despite consuming several cups of tea. Clearly, he is the man for the job.

The necessary tactics are obvious. Davis must insist on an EE+++ deal, with free 5G (whenever the technological solution becomes available) and 100 extra minutes. Oh, and he won’t pay the bill because that’s socialism. No more TalkTalk, or we will WalkWalk. No phone is better than a bad phone, after all.

This sort of fighting talk is what got Davis the job in the first place. In no time at all, the EU will be despatching orders to all the German car manufacturers to send a car full of mobile telephones to Mr Davis, and give him a free lift to the Sunlit Uplands.

Or, more likely, they will give him an Australia-style deal. Two tinnies connected with a piece of string. It’s the ideal way to congratulate a cobber for all his hard yakka. Bonzer, mate!

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Donald Trump invokes Magna Carta to overturn US election result

POLITICALLY DEAD AND BLOATED : OUTGOING PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HAS TRIED every trick in the US rule book to overturn the election results which saw Joe Biden defeat him. And defeat him heavily.

“He’s also tried every trick that isn’t in the rule book,” our US correspondent reports, “some would say that all the accusations of fraud and cheating Trump and his cabal have been throwing around are a perfect example of transposition. Although history will tell us what’s what on that score.”

And history is where the exasperated orange scat gibbon has turned next in his increasingly ludicrous attempts to cling onto power.

“He was reading a Twitter thread about legal options for overturning CV-19 laws you don’t like in England,” our correspondent informs, “and he discovered that business people in England have been using the Magna Carta. Invoking it to defend what they decide are their rights. And the common good be damned. He was onto it like it was a cheeseburger holding an NDA.”

Quite which lawyer will attempt to argue in an American court that an 800 year old treaty between an English king and his barons is applicable to US constitutional law (covering elections) isn’t yet clear. As it seems the lawyers are now getting out of Trump town before they need lawyers themselves.

“Rudi will probably have a go,” our correspondent opines, “he’s pretty much hollowed out now inside, so what’s another scrape of the old inner barrel? See what’s under its bottom. That’s if he can wash the hair dye out of his eyes in time to try.”

And if not Rudi?

“Ivanka.”

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Boris Johnson to dress up as a needle to promote vaccine uptake with slogan “Get The Prick!”

THREE WORD INNOCULATION : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER, BORIS ‘ORRIGHT’ JOHNSON, is stepping up to front the charge across the sodden moor of Covid.

With a plethora of vaccines due in the new year concerns in 10 Downing Street are centring around how to convince enough people to take the vaccine and get back to work.

“We’re considering a range of options,” a Department of Health insider told LCD Views, “clearly we’re going to have to pay millions to Tory linked PR firms to convince people to save their granny’s life. It’s a tough nut to crack. But we’ve got the nutcrackers in hand.”

One of the key planks will of course be public information campaigns.

“That’s where Wetherspoons comes in,” the insider goes on, “we are considering a free Covid vaccine with every pint and microwave curry at one of Tim’s famous health spas. But also it will be important to have a mascot the entire nation can get behind.”

The mascot will need to be someone with a flair for entertainment and an endless love of dressing up. Ability to do anything else but distract a desperate population isn’t required.

“The PM is thus the natural selection,” the insider winks, “we’re going to dress him up as a needle and he can tour the country, alongside Professor of Bullshit Tim Martin, promoting vaccine use.”

But critics have suggested the campaign may do more harm than good.

“So? That’s what Boris does.”

There will of course be a catchy slogan to be printed on banners and badges surrounding Boris.

“The Big Prick! Is currently favourite. As it’s seen to be the most apt. But Get The Prick will perhaps be more 2021.”

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£29m Festival of Brexit centrepiece to be BoRiS and Carrie clapping for the NHS

APPLAUSE IS INFECTIOUS : News today that twenty nine million patriotic pounds are to be spaffed up the wall to celebrate Brexit. Good news for patriots!

“It makes a clear case for why Mr Johnson had to be shamed by a footballer into feeding poor children, not once, but twice this year,” our Downing Street source comments, “and why we need to bring back car parking charges for NHS.”

The Festival itself will feature a range of celebrations as Britain resumes its rightful place as head of international trade, now it’s been freed of the shackles of the EU.

“We are resuming our natural leadership role on Planet Earth,” the source adds, “we can more easily lead by not trading with the largest trading bloc on Earth, a few miles away, while pursuing new and ambitious, environmentally sensitive trading arrangements with smaller regions as far away as possible.”

The most prominent spectacles of the Festival of Brexit will focus on its achievements.

“There will be a potato deified by Nigel Farage and a fish divided by John Redwood with a potato masher. Also Anne Widdecombe will do a stirring rendition of Elgar’s entire back catalogue on a kazoo.”

But the biggest moment of the “immersive experience, like falling headfirst into a septic tank” has to be reserved for Brexit UK’s commander in chief, Boris Johnson. He will feature daily in a range of uniforms representing each profession and/or vocation that Brexit will impact. And new metaphors are also promised on the hour, invented by Boris himself (or half remembered from the classics).

“Undoubtedly the greatest moment will be when Boris takes the stage daily, dressed as Montezuma, accompanied by his carer Carrie (pencilled in currently to be styled after Boudicca) and claps for the NHS. It will be quite the sight. And such prominence will do more for the morale of NHS workers than a pay rise ever could. And at the end of the clapping there will be a firework set off and a wheel of cheddar rolled into ten pins painted to represent all the Covids. It will be world beating.”

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VACKIRK : Johnson confirms “flotilla of small boats” will bring CV-19 vaccine to Dover from France

HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF IF HE TRIED : MODERN DAY SHITE CHURCHILL STRAINED TEABAG BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the HOUSE OF COMMONS today to outline plans to bring the Covid-19 vaccine to the UK in 2021, after its successful production in Germany and the Netherlands.

“It will be a MIRACLE OF DELIVERANCE,” the outgoing Prime Minister told a sparsely populated Commons VIA A VIDEO LINK BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HE’S ISOLATED, “thousands of BRITISH CRAFT will ferry vaccines to Dover. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in threes, why, occasionally like Hercules, sometimes in fours.”

The plan to use the small boats draws on the WW2 evacuation of British troops, and it is believed it is the best way to terrify the virus.

“By reminding Covid-19 of our HEROIC DEEDS at Dunkirk it will know that it’s time is numbered. But while we wait for the MIRACLE we will not flag or fail. We will continue to fight Covid-19 on our beaches by having half baked, tier system lockdowns. To fight it for months in our pubs and restaurants, and in our supermarkets and friend’s houses. Only by refusing a proper lockdown can we keep Covid-19 on the back foot until we can claim the PR SUCCESS of sudden DELIVERANCE. And perhaps some friends may receive lucrative contracts for the vaccine roll out.”

But critics of the plan to use the small boats have queried if there will be a way to determine they have the right fridge specification on board to safely ferry the vaccines. And what will happen when the vaccines arrive at Dover? If Kent is suffering log jam waiting for the Brexit portaloos to be installed on motorways.

At this point the prime minister was at his most motivational.

“If there are any issues with internal movement in Kent then MATT HANCOCK will be ready to take off his Clark Kent spectacles and leap into the nearest toilet booth and emerge with his cloak flowing as the supercharged champion of vaccine delivery!”

What could possibly fail?

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Tory MP – “Priti Patel has now given me five kidneys in total. I can’t see how she’s a bully!”

BULLY FOR YOU : THE PRITI PATEL BULLYING SCANDAL HAS BRIEFLY KNOCKED COVID-19 AVOIDABLE DEATH TOLLS OFF THE TOP OF THE NEWS CYCLE, which is nice.

The topping of the charts comes as a result of the long suppressed official inquiry into her behaviour being published.

“It’s a bloody shame it was printed on waterproof paper,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “Boris spent ages attempting to water it down but nothing worked. Not water, or later, when he was properly hammered, not Bordeaux. Then he had to give it up and go for lunch and some bloody fool published it.”

But it’s not bad news for Ms Patel, even though she’s found to have broken the Code of Conduct for Ministers.

She is receiving broad support from her colleagues, as Tory MPs engage in a craven, synchronised swim across social media. They’ve got her back, presumably so she doesn’t go behind theirs and give them wedgies.

One even revealed the depth of generosity of Ms Patel cut deep.

“Priti Patel has given me a total of five kidneys already. I can’t see how she could be a bully!”* One MP tweeted, presumably to separate themselves from the adoring crowd.

It has been noted though that no one who has worked under Ms Patel has expressed surprise at the charges proven against her.

“Some would think we don’t understand how bullies operate. But that’s nonsense, we’re all bullies. We know very well that you are polite to people who you judge to have equal or greater power than yourself, and you take that screaming inside out on anyone weaker. Not exactly a shock that so many people have only seen her sweet side. It’s a good thing the people she’s bullied are too nervous to speak out! Ha! Nerds.”

And to further secure Ms Patel’s validity in her post the source added,

“If the general public won’t punish us at the ballot box when we refuse to clean house, you can hardly expect us to have standards. Just look at who we made prime minister. You’ve only yourselves to blame. Now stick your head in the toilet and flush it. The sound you’ll hear swirling around as the bowl empties is the life blood of your democracy.”

*It is unclear where the five kidneys came from.

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Boris Johnson made a complete balls up of being PM “unintentionally”

BALLS TO THE WALL: A new report on the first year of Boris Johnson’s premiership is due out shortly. Its author, who has already resigned in anticipation, was not complimentary.

Faye Sparm, the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, was requested to investigate the conduct of the Crime Minister. She allegedly threw her completed report on the desk formerly occupied by “Classic” Dom Cummings, with a resignation letter written in most unParliamentary language.

The report ran to some 84547885 pages, but Sparm considerately included a precis on two sides of A4. This was intended to ensure that someone would actually read it to Boris Johnson.

You can guess the contents. For example, there were several entire volumes devoted to “Spaffing Money Up The Wall”. These contained individual books with titles like “PPE”, “Serco”, “Jennifer Arcuri”, and “Dilyn the Dog”.

Another twenty volumes made up the series entitled “Dither, Delay, and Wiff-Waff”.

The “Brexit” volumes comprise the heart of the report. Each reads like a crime thriller, with the evil protagonist blundering from failure to failure, yet refusing to concede defeat. Each volume concludes on a cliff-edge – I mean, a cliff-hanger.

The tale of one Dominic Cummings is woven throughout the entire work. This backroom player, a pound shop Wormtongue to Johnson’s tragicomic Saruman, brings about his own doom. On the road to Barnard Castle (a very British Damascus), the scales fell from our eyes and his deceit was made plain – yet his services were retained.

The whole is subtitled by Sparm, a Harry Potter fan, as “The Life And Lies Of Alex Johnson”.

Various government figures were wheeled out to denounce the report. Dominic Raab said he “didn’t appreciate its significance”. John Redwood wibbled something about British Fish. Priti Patel simply growled at everyone until they backed off. Johnson himself went into hiding.

But the overriding theme was that Poor Boris was doing a good job under difficult circumstances. He may have made a complete balls up of the job, but “unintentionally”.