Posted on

MPs awarded pay rise to counter rising cost of living caused by the decisions of MPs

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Wonderful news for patriots today with the announcement that MPs are to receive a £3,300 pay rise.

The decision to give them a boost is entirely uncontroversial at a time when the government can be barely be bothered to give nurses a clap.

“Your MPs work tirelessly for the unelected bureaucrat Dom,” a spokesman for Downing Street told LCD Views, “while some MPs rudely question Matt Hancock from the other side of the green benches, and don’t even get me started on the bloody Jocks, the majority of MPs are Tory MPs and they deserve the additional money for not thinking for themselves.”

The money will certainly come in useful. Recent analysis shows that for some completely bizarre reason, since 2016, food costs in the UK are only rising.

“It was the right move to give MPs £10,000 each at the start of the endless disaster that is Covid-19. And it’s the right decision to give them thousands more now when you consider how busy mass unemployment will soon make them.”

What the MPs will do with the extra isn’t entirely clear, given that they don’t have to pay their own mortgages.

They just basically have to do what they are told to by the kleptofascist, international crime syndicate that has taken over the UK by way of a fucked up, dodgy, corrupted opinion poll back in 2016, that our political class should have been trusted to see through and deal with, based on the blood drenched lessons of the major, global conflicts of the 20th century.

But no.

Revolutionary communists, pretending to be socialists, to one side at the time and libertarian nightmares, pretending to be patriots, to the other, now stuck in a kleptocracy with you. Well done all. Have a round of applause.

“And besides,” the source interrupts this newspaper’s enraged diatribe, “the MPs need the pay rise to cope with the rising cost of living caused by the decision of the MPs.”

Posted on

Friend of Tory MP lands £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS

CAN YOU SMELL THAT? SOMETHING SMELLS : Great news today for struggling Tory party donors as the kleptocratic basket case they helped to create is now rewarding them both tangibly and imaginatively.

In particular it’s fantastic news for newly created Baroness Vice of Back-on-Hander with the decision to award her company, Applause Please plc, a £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS.

“It wouldn’t be right to accept the thousands of pounds we as MPs are receiving as a pay rise and not pay a chum millions to do something non-monetary for the dedicated NHS workers. Gesture politics are us!”

How the claps will be supplied is yet to be decided and it’s thought most of the £112m will be spent on consultants, and sub-contractors, to work out they best way to deliver the applause.

“We think the world of the NHS. People who dedicate themselves to the public good and weather all sorts of nonsense, and reduction in resources and standard of living caused deliberately by the government, we rely on them. They are wonderful. We can take advantage of them on Monday. Wake up Tuesday and do it all over again. It’s only right someone earns many millions working out the best way to press hands together rapidly to say thanks. A badge isn’t enough. Whatever it takes. We will strain every sinew to say thanks.”

It is hoped that Applause Please plc will also usher in a new era for the chum chum chumocracy as it bleeds the state dry.

“I would encourage anyone who is worried about their finances to visit their local Conservative association and donate some money to the local campaign. The rate of conversion is currently £1 donated will be returned as £1m, by way of a contract awarded without tender, so long as you remember to set up a company a few days before ‘winning’ the contract.”

ALL TOGETHER NOW! Let’s clap for the NHS! And pay a friend of a Tory MP to supply the claps to do it!

Nice work if you can get it.

Posted on

Global ANTI-VAX movement BALLOONS after Donald Trump tweets “My blood IS the vaccine!!!!”

AMENDMENT 25 CALLING : THE SCOURGE OF MODERNITY, the global anti-vaccine movement, has received a most welcome boost to its numbers today thanks to some surprising assistance from batshit crazy US President, Donne Drumpf.

The help has come in the form of a tweet in which Donald Trump asserted that his blood is the vaccine.

“We’re not quite sure what his blood is the vaccine for,” a resident GP comments, “it clearly isn’t the vaccine against mocking disabled reporters, fake news, serial sex pest activities, serial adultery, locking kids in cages, misogyny, racism, disrespecting the dead, gluttony, addiction to fake tanning, wig wearing or sociopathy. I can only guess he is talking about the novel cold virus that’s taken the world by storm?”

But whatever disease Mr Trump is referring to the impact of his tweet has been instant, thanks to the wonders of social media.

“I’m not sure how we’ll recover from this tweet,” our GP continues, “already at my surgery we have seen dozens of parents cancel routine vaccinations out of fear of infecting their children with Trumpism. Which is understandable. Trumpism is very similar to the kind of mutant virus that creates zombie apocalypses. If any population achieves 60%, or over, infection rates than it is all over rover.”

What the authorities more generally can do to discourage the sudden ballooning in support for anti-vaxxers is not clear, as most are still dealing with yesterday’s news cycle and won’t have caught up to today until tomorrow.

“I would encourage people to continue to get vaccines,” our GP finishes, “they are one of the greatest technological advances in the history of humanity, have freed billions from the terror of infant mortality, and only the historically ignorant refuse them. And if Donald Trump’s blood really is the vaccine, then it’s been nice knowing you all.”

Posted on

British fish takes out restraining order against Conservative MP

I AM NOT A FISH OF BRITAIN I AM A FISH OF THE WORLD : A British fish has been to court today in London to take out a restraining order against a Conservative MP.

While there is a ban on press coverage of the identity of the MP, we can wildly speculate that it is the old broken record himself, John Redwood. Although there are many it could be, clearly.

We offer our sincerest apologies right now if it was actually Andrew Bridgen or MIA man of the moment, Mark Francois.

However, the speculation that the MP is Redwood is based on an analysis of his Twitter feed. This reveals he has tweeted about controlling British fish no less than 300,034,974,00 times in the last hour alone.

Andrew Bridgen has been mostly spending his time screaming “Remoaner” at reality, and wiping the baby food off his chin.

Whereas Mark Francois is busy fuelling speculation that he is at the centre of a ghastly police case, but still keeps the whip, because Conservatives are still the party of family values.

The fish itself has been moved to take action in an attempt to free itself from what it calls “coercive control by deluded English nationalists, who fetishize me because of the national myths centred on a maritime past. They can’t rule the waves anymore, partially because Tory governments keep cutting back the Navy and selling off rights to our territorial waters, so in order to deny that reality and take responsibility they obsess over me. And I for one am fed up with it. I see no borders. I am a fish.”

The restraining order will give the fish time to seek whatever help is required. And it had one more statement for the press from the steps of the court.

“I am not an Englishman or a British fish, but a fish of the world.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson re-infected with CV-19 after telephone call from Donald “super spreader” Trump

A TISSUE A TISSUE (OF LIES) : THE UK’S GREATEST CONTEMPORARY BLONDE JOKE, BORIS JOHNSON, IS BELIEVED TO BE FEELING HOT UNDER THE COLLAR AGAIN.

The PM’s rising temperature has reportedly seen alleged fiancé Carrie Symonds scrambling, scrambling in the day bag she carries up and down flights of stairs in 10 Downing Street for the cartoon themed digital thermometer.

“It’s touch and go at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Boris really likes the Hulk themed thermometer, but Carrie could only find the Power Ranger one. And he doesn’t really like the Power Rangers. He won’t eat his dinner if it’s served on the Power Rangers plate. Even Toy Story he’s a little adverse too, thinking Woody is a ‘girly swot’. It’s uncertain if Carrie will be able to monitor the giant man baby’s temperature adequately. She has given him a big dose of Calpol, which has only made him hyperactive. It’s manic here at the moment.”

The sources of potential re-infection for Mr Johnson are numerous, as he refuses to wear a mask when he is left at creche by Dom.

“I personally believe it’s because Donald Trump phoned him. Mr Trump has taken out most of the executive and support staff stateside. He’s that infectious. Doctors suspect any variety of contact with the orange super spreader is sufficient to cause infection. He’s just that contagious. So contagious. You’ve never seen a man so contagious before.”

It is likely that this dose of Covid-19 will not be as bad for the prime minister, as he should have one or two lingering antibodies from his first dose earlier this year.

“Maybe it’s not Covid again,” the source mused, “just any association with Mr Trump is now dangerous. He’s so unhinged. And Boris would be well advised to keep his social distance. In fact the entire world would be well advised to steer well clear of even Donnie’s tweets. You could catch anything between now and November 3rd.”

Posted on

UK Gov careers website advises “books” retrain as “firewood”

FAHRENHEIT 451 : The UK government website that advises people seeking work on how to retrain has received a lot of attention in recent days.

The surge of visits have been prompted by hotshot, whiz kid, flavour of the month, but soon to sour, UK Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s big shrug of the shoulders when asked what people facing unemployment should do.

Clearly expecting an inheritance millionaire to be able to answer the question was daft, and people were wrong to answer it. But at least the website is there to help, and Rishi Sunak was right to direct people to it.

And it’s not just people who have been visiting.

Now that the UK has made the shift into a fantasy landscape, powered solely by magically thinking, thanks to Brexit, inanimate objects are also logging on and taking the quiz.

“I decided my future looks pretty dicey with the erosion of rule of law and democracy,” a book told LCD Views, “so I figured I better seek alternatives. It was the right choice. The careers website had some excellent options for me to pursue.”

It seems after taking the quiz, which focuses predominately on a barfly’s idea of psychoanalysis, and little else, the book was given two options to seriously consider.

“Both are a lot more exciting than sitting on a shelf waiting for someone to pick me up,” the book enthused, “which is what I do with the majority of my time presently.”

And what was the advice?

“Firewood,” the book replied, “that was the best match. Or as the website called the job ‘Outdoor heating and entertainment specialist, as the centrepiece of re-education festivities to best enable the chosen people to take advantage of the opportunities of Brexit’. It was wordy, like me, and I knew it exactly what it meant. Which is not something everyone says about me presently.”

Posted on

Ireland announce plan to build a bridge right over Britain to continental Europe

THE LONG SHADOW OF BREXIT : Ireland’s newest Taoiseach, Micheál Martin, has announced today the decision by the Republic to build a bridge right over Britain and on to continental Europe.

Addressing the European parliament for the first time since assuming office an entirely imagined version of Mr Martin revealed the grand building project. And it’s fair to speculate that Mr Johnson’s love of proposing grand building schemes is partly behind it. Even if Mr Johnson’s projects never eventuate.

“Aren’t you tired of Brexit and all that Boris bollocks?” Mr Martin asked a socially distanced hall. Happily, as there’s no longer any Farage cultists present, the question was met with only raucous applause.

“Don’t you want to throw a little shade on that Eton Mess in parliament?”

Yes. Yes. We all do.

“We’ve already begun building ferry lines to bypass Britain,” Mr Martin explained, “because we don’t want our lorries caught at the Kent border attempting to get to Dover. Only a gambler will risk the world beating IT project that’s going to manage those customs documents. Why not go one better and build a bridge over all of it?”

Fair play.

The bridge is expected to be built rapidly too, as so many EU tradesmen are leaving the UK due to Brexit. And many more will do once the Covid-19 omnishambles recession joins with Brexit proper.

“And the best thing is, Boris Johnson and the UK are going to pay for it.”

With our automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, education and financial services sectors.

“Let’s build a bridge over Boris!” Mr Martin exulted, to standing applause, “and let Brexit pay for it.”

Posted on

Have you been mis-sold a “world beating” Covid-19 track and trace service?

I HERD IT ON THE GRIFTVINE : LCD VIEWS’ imaginary law firm, LCD Law, has begun placing adverts in all major media outlets (and one or two minor ones, like the BBC) and wants to hear from you.

The subject is the United Kingdom’s Covid-19 track and trace service, which was sold to the country by some posh sounding old Etonians as “world beating”. And sold for a steal.

If you have been mis-sold the service you maybe liable for a no win no fee claim as part of our group action.

Already potential and completely fictitious clients are jamming our non-existent phone lines and filling up our inbox. Which makes a nice change from the deluge of spam we normally have to wade through to find the one or two genuine attempts at communication.

“I was told it was being ramped up,” Ms Citizen, 2020 Wotthefuk Lane, WTF on Sea, tells LCD Law, “but when I caught cold and opened my curtains all I could see was a shiny suited executive laughing at the contract Little Matty Hancock had handed them. No penalty clauses for poor deliverance? You’re having a laugh.”

And Ms Citizen is not alone.

“I saw billions of my hard earned tax money just vanish into the coffers of Serco and friends and nothing much come back,” Mr Citizen complains, “except Dido Harding looking confused.”

And even now, 10 months into the pandemic, there’s half an app and nowt much else to show for all the money you have poured into the ramped up private enterprise tasked with delivering, or not delivering the service.

“Anyone would think they’re trying to keep us outraged and confused while they pursue a pseudo science based idea of herd immunity,” Ms Citizen frowns, “but they wouldn’t do that. Would they? Not the caring Conservatives. That would be the actions of insecure men, overfed on privilege to compensate for their abandonment issues, who believe disaster capitalism is for the win.”

Posted on

I got 125% on my Covid test, says Donald Trump

TOP OF THE CLASS: Bigly brained small handed alleged President of the USA Donald Trump has triumphed again. He claims to have gained the highest ever score on a covid test.

Normally, 100% is the highest mark attainable on a test. However, in view of the importance of the POTUS, it is believed that some extra hard tests were added.

“GREAT NEWS!” tweeted the triumphant Trump from his high security toilet facility. “I PASSED MY COVID TEST WITH THE HIGHEST EVER SCORE. 125%! THAT’S MORE THAN WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON AND THE GRASSY KNOLL! ALL HAIL THE POTTUS!”

The drivelling Donald droned on, electronically.

“BESTEST! BIGLIEST! BRAINYEST!”

Somebody must have rattled the orange onanist’s cage though, because the tone of his tweets transformed totally from triumph to tantrum.

“SOME SAY THAT YOU CAN’T GET 125% ON A COVID TEST!” he messaged. “WELL, I HAVE NEWS FOR THEM! I GOTTED THE YUGEST EVER SCORE EVER, AND THE LIEING DEMS ARE WELL JELL!”

Everyone, well almost everyone, knows that the covid test only produces three results: positive, negative, and inconclusive.

“POSITIVE! POSITIVE, YOU DELOODED LOONEY TOONS!” His Twitter account almost spat this drivel out. “POSITIVE 125%! MORE POSITIVER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER! IT’S BASIC MATH, FOLKS!”

There are those who question both the physical and the mental health of the man with the nuclear codes. Naturally, Trump went on the offensive.

“I’M FITTER THAN A BUTCHERS DOG!” he insisted. “FITTER THAN ELEVENTY TWELVE BUTCHERS DOGS! AND CATS! AND MOUSES! I HAVE THE BRAIN OF A MAN HALF MY AGE AND HE’S NOT HAVING IT BACK! I NOT EVEN GOT A COVFEFE!”

That’s conclusive, then. Covid is the least of his worries. There can be nothing wrong with a man with no filter, no covfefe, and no idea how to turn off caps lock.

BREAKING: Trump’s application to join MENSA has been turned down. Again.

Posted on

Boris Johnson’s dad fitted with GPS ankle bracelet to warn public of his location

THE MASK OF ZERO : THE UK’S FAVOURITE GRANDFATHER, DAD AND ALL ROUND PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, STANLEY JOHNSON, HAS TODAY BEEN FITTED WITH A GPS ANKLE BRACELET.

The decision to apply digital shackles to the PM’s dad was taken as he has become a daily spectacle thumbing his unfettered nose at CV-19 regulations.

But in a twist to the story the police deny being involved and it is as yet unclear who wrestled the old scoundrel to the ground, tagged and bagged him.

“The Met have been instructed to pursue an inquiry at haste to find the culprits,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “Stanley has been doing excellent service in our unacknowledged quest to pursue herd immunity in England from Covid-19, without a vaccine, by making a total travesty of laws that could see commoners fined £10K.”

Deepening the mystery is the appearance on app stores of a new app called “Where’s Stanley Johnson?”, which updates users constantly regarding Mr Johnson senior’s location. Be he in London or Greece.

But users of the app have complained it is so busy, the alerts so frequent, that the app is draining their battery with constant notifications and warnings, particularly centred on use of public transport.

“If we can’t find the vigilantes behind the app and the bracelet there’s a danger in a resurgence of working from home,” the Downing Street source fretted, “which will do our donor’s no favours at all. But people just do not want to get on public transport knowing that a Johnson may appear at any moment unmasked.”

Asked whether the police had considered actually fining the serial offender, to display the seriousness of the government’s intent in tackling Covid-19, the Downing Street source just laughed.