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MPs who voted for Brexit Deal last year prepare to read it

THE BRIGHTEST AND THE BEST : The UK’s MPs overwhelmingly voted for the final iteration of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal in the closing days of 2021, and now some of them are even going to read it.

“It wouldn’t have done to mess up Christmas with uncertainty over Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why everyone had to vote for Brexit, so they could get home and try and not spread Covid. Or try and not catch it. Whichever way you roll.”

Clearly the process of ramming the bill into law was a great success for the prime minister, with most opposition MPs even turning up to play their bit parts in his farcical theatre.

Now though some MPs are becoming concerned with the impact of the deal and are actually starting to read it.

“It’s very old fashioned to examine the details of legislation before voting it through,” the source continues, “most modern MPs are not chosen for their attention spans or critical thinking abilities. They’re chosen to do as they’re ordered. And given how ghastly the government’s policy platform is, only the dumbest and meanest want to stand for it. It all harmonises exceptionally well.”

Except for when it doesn’t.

“The details of the bill can now be understood not just by pundits and interested members of the public. But by the people who voted to enact it. It’s a classic bit of Brexit. Do first. Examine consequences later. And always, always avoid scrutiny. It’s the only way to make a success of it.”

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Brits to shout “Bring out your dead!” at 8pm Thurs in honour of Boris Johnson’s work on Covid

DIGGING EVER DEEPER : WELCOME APPLAUSE IS HEADING THE WAY OF THE PRIME MINISTER THIS EVENING AS BRITS WILL ONCE AGAIN STAND ON THEIR DOORSTEPS.

Boris and zero hours contract Carrie are expected to also be involved, although they will be standing in humble recognition of the thanks they are to receive. Whether or not Dylin the prop dog will be present too isn’t yet clear, as it’s understood negotiations over a new contract are yet to conclude with his casting agency.

Until now the NHS and other slackers have hogged the limelight in the fight against the virus, with little appreciation given to the man who has done so much to orchestrate the UK’s world beating response.

“That changes today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we are urging all Britons to stand on their doorsteps at 8pm this evening and give a shout out for Boris.”

There will of course be clapping too, as is traditional.

“Try and clap in time with your neighbours,” the source urges, “to create the biggest impact in your neighbourhood. But please come together before 8pm and synchronise your watches so you can all be ready to shout on time at 8pm.”

The shout itself will draw on tradition and the famous plagues of yesteryear.

“Bring Out Your Dead! – it’s a British classic,” the source adds, “and given that Victoria Atkins said on TV this morning that it’s a fine line between protecting the economy and defeating the virus, there is clearly going to be a lot of dead left to bring out!”

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Plans drawn up for “self sufficient levels of cannibalism” once food supplies run out

HAVING A FRIEND TO DINNER : DOWNING STREET HAVE DENIED A FABRICATED LEAK WHICH SAYS THAT THEY HAVE DRAWN UP PLANS TO FEED BRITONS TO BRITONS.

The leak to LCD Views is in the form of a revealing email that contains several non-existent attachments.

“The attachments are mostly spreadsheets and calculations of when the food runs out. Not just the fresh food, which is already mostly absent from everywhere, but the sort of exclusive club that will fly you to the UAE for a vaccine.”

Under the plans the UK will not need to betray Brexit by asking the EU to allow us to re-enter the SM and CU, but can instead feed on itself.

“Clearly there will be a clash with social distancing measures as people will need to get rather close to strangers in order to eat them. But it’s not yet clear if families will be happy dining indoors? Although some suggest this is just because Mr Johnson himself never spends any time with his children.”

The legalising of cannibalism will also alleviate the now ritual shame cycle of Marcus Rashford having to embarrass Boris Johnson into feeding people ten years of idiotic economic policies have driven into poverty.

“Now is not the time to betray Brexit,” the covering note to the calculations state, “not when we have the ability to feed ourselves at home.”

But while the plans demonstrate a previously missing ability to forward plan by the government, it hasn’t left everyone satiated.

“We’re still at risk of scurvy,” a critical note asserts, “at least until the new citrus groves planted yesterday by John Redwood being to bear fruit.”

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Downing Street under pressure to stop using Chartwells U.K. to supply its cabinet ministers

AND FOR THE VEGETABLES : DOWNING STREET IS UNDER GROWING PRESSURE TODAY TO CANCEL ITS CONTRACT WITH CHARTWELLS U.K.

There has been constant speculation in the U.K., and globally, on the subject of governance in the United Kingdom, which has deteriorated readily since 2010.

“Why has the U.K. moved from a Parliamentary Democracy to a Kakistocracy? Well, now we know,” our politics expert declares.

The answer is evidently the MPs, cabinet and even the Prime Minister supplied by the major Tory Party donor.

But while school meal hampers look set to be improved by public exposure, it’s not clear the same impact will be felt by today’s revelation.

“It is a scandal,” our expert opines, “Chartwells U.K. are paid a sufficient sum per minister to supply a Marcus Rashford, or equivalent, and instead they are supply Hancocks, Raabs and Liz Truss. The public is clearly getting ripped off and the multi-national exploiting the taxpayer for profit.”

Whether or not the PM will how to pressure to cancel the contract and source his cabinet ministers from an actual pool of talent, isn’t clear though.

“They supply the PM too, so I wouldn’t expect rapid change. He’s essentially the top end of a carrot, as evident from the hair. and it’s gone mouldy.”

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Tory MPs slam EU for not including U.K. in EU’s Brexit hardship fund

IT’S WHAT SOMEONE VOTED FOR : A POWERFUL GROUP OF CONSERVATIVE MPS have hit out at the unelected technocrats in Brussels today over what they’ve labelled “a doctrine too wedded to reality to be realistic”.

The cause of the angst appears to be the EU’s stubborn refusal to include non-member state U.K. in its hardship fun.

“While most notably Ireland, the Netherlands, Holland, the Dutch and Germany will all be sitting pretty, the U.K. has been abandoned,” a representative of the group told LCD Views.

And it seems they’re not wrong. An exhaustive examination of the list of recipients can’t find the U.K. on it anywhere. Presumably an oversight? Or a deliberate policy to exclude the U.K.?

“The slush fund is a result of Brexit,” the Tory goes on, “We caused Brexit. It’s only fair we benefit from the fund. If they don’t back down and see nonsense we will do some research about it.”

And the group have good cause to be concerned by the recalcitrance of the EU, as Brexit is already causing hardship in various regions and industries of the U.K.

“Have you seen what’s happening to fishing? Leaving the single market and customs union is devastating it. The EU needs to step up if it’s serious about alleviating the harm caused by Brexit across the United Kingdom. If it doesn’t we will begin pushing to physically drag the U.K. out of continental Europe and into the middle of the Atlantic. Here we will forge a new kingdom with the outgoing President of the USA.”

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Donald Trump to claim squatters rights in the White House

OCCUPATION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW: The outgoing President of the USA may not in fact be going anywhere. He is alleged to be plotting to sit in the Oval Office, claim squatters rights, and dare anyone to contradict him. 

Normally this kind of announcement would be made through the medium of his hyperactive twitter account. Now that even twitter has had enough of him, he has reverted to telling “a source close to the President”. 

LCD Views’ wholly owned American subsidiary, Y’all Views (registered in the Cayman Islands, it’s all totally legal and above board, totally) reports that the insurrection is far from over. 

“Donald Trump is moving into Phase 2 of his master plan,” says Permanent Donald Trump correspondent Shi T. Gibbon. “Our source says, and I quote, ‘I have all the winnings, the best winnings, and the Oval Office is mine by right, bigly, I won the election whatever the Fake News Media say, and I will remain in the Oval Office as long as there are loyal gun freaks to support me. MAGA! MAGA!’ So there you have it from the horse’s mouth, I mean the source’s mouth.”

Gibbon also reveals that Trump has mobilised a militia to support his sit-in. These MAGA-hatted (horns are an acceptable substitute) desperados will storm the White House three times a day to bring him a Big Mac, coke, and supersize fries. 

What are the consequences for the new administration? “I think that Biden will simply bypass the problem,” said Gibbon. “There is a contingency plan to cordon off the Oval Office from the rest of the White House. Trump can have his little kingdom, and the rest of us will move forward.”

It sounds like Global Britain, sitting in splendid isolation while the rest of the world gets on with life around it. 

We can only look forward to 2024 when Boris Johnson will stage a sit-in at 10 Downing Street. 

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U.K. Gov slammed over £30 food parcels when UNICEF will feed hungry English families for free

QUITE UPLIFTING : Whoever said philanthropy is dead hasn’t seen the great work being down currently to keep hungry British families hungry for more.

”We all know times are tough,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just because Boris Johnson is unable to take a foreign holiday. Some MPs haven’t been able to access the subsidised bars and restaurants at Westminster for months.”

And while most of the attention is focused on the privations suffered by MPs, some are wasting their time fretting over the lower orders.

“It’s not really for the government to go all nanny state and interfere in people’s life choices,” the source continues, “if people choose to be born poor and hungry that is their right in modern Britain. Imagine if government involved itself? Where would the spirit of enterprise go in the field of social mobility.”

Happily the concerns of the governing class can focus on more profitable areas, such as PPE contracts, after the private sector took over the exciting responsibility to stop people starving to death too fast.

“Some of us are rather uncomfortable with the food parcels that have replaced the food vouchers,” the source fretted, “particularly those of us who lobby for the tobacco industry! Ha!”

And the concerns are mounting over how to feed the nation’s hungry. Concerns about waste of taxpayer money.

“It’s all very well to feel noble dishing out half a British banana to feed a family of four for a week,” the source finished, “but it’s actually an egregious waste of money that could be better funnelled to other party donors. After all, UNICEF has already proven it will feed our huddled and starving masses for free.”

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Nadhim Zahawi to open a covid vaccination hub on Ascension Island for convenience

A SHOT IN THE ARM: Vaccine tsar Nadhim Zahawi is planning to open a one stop shop for covid vaccinations. For the convenience of everyone, well everyone who matters, this will be handily located on Ascension Island.

For extra convenience, the ferries taking eager patients to the new centre will sail from Martin’s Haven, in deepest Pembrokeshire. Underling Tess Coexpress was sent out to explain the details of this imaginative scheme.

“I know Cornwall is closer to the South Atlantic than South Wales,” began Coexpress, fending off the obvious question. “But there is plenty of activity in the smugglers’ coves at present, and we did not wish to interfere with a little black market enterprise in the current climate.”

So why choose a location that is inconvenient even for the locals?

“It’s very isolation is key,” dissembled Coexpress. “We are only thinking of keeping everybody safe!”

Has there been much take-up for the scheme yet?

“The early signs are very encouraging,” said Coexpress. “Nobody has called us ‘a bunch of useless f@#*ing incompetent f@#*ing c&$ts’ on social media yet.”

LCD Views’ Distinct Aroma Of Rat correspondent decided to do a bit of digging. His research threw up three main points. First, Priti Patel has decreed that it will be a one-way trip for “quarantine reasons”. Secondly, the ferries have been organised by the FerryMaster himself, Chris Grayling. Finally, the trip (excluding the cost of the vaccine and VAT) will cost in the region of £25,845.

Those wealthy (and/or daft) enough to access the scheme will be formally deported by Patel, then thrown into the back of a wagon, called the Covid Express. On arrival at Martin’s Haven, many many hours and wrong turns later, the fortunate vaccinees will be taken off the wagon to wait for the ferry. It will be a long wait, since Grayling will not have booked a ferry, although he will have bought pizza for everyone. Stripped of citizenship and rights, nobody knows what will happen to the lucky winners.

But the money raised will go straight into Tory donors’ pockets.

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Downing Street advises fishermen to retrain in cyber

HOOK LINE AND STINKER : Everyone knows that technology lessons can give you an advantage in the competitive modern workplace, and why should fishermen be any different?

As concern grows for the future of the United Kingdom’s remaining fishermen, post Brexit, the government is keen to offer them two pence of advice.

“I have to correct you there, it’s just two pence,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “but once the fishermen have stopped moaning about not being able to fish and enrolled at a Nightingale Tech School they’ll be rolling in both pounds and pence.”

And the new Nightingale Tech Schools are opening at inland locations across England.

“We all know what technology lessons did for the career of the prime minister,” the aide continues, “he was just a lowly mayor when he decided to hire an American girl with a pole to teach him how to turn himself off and on again. And look at him now! Most fishermen already have poles. They’re halfway there.”

But not everyone may want to retrain in cyber.

“That’s why we’ve opened Nightingale Ballerina Schools too. Given the French will let artists into France for 90 days visa free, I’d say the canny fishermen will be retraining as ballerinas and then sailing themselves into French waters without all the hassle and red tape faced by a continental attempting the trip in reverse.”

And while that fishermen turned cyber whizz is waiting for their first job as a ballerina in France they will have all the skills needed to sail the Hogg seas of cyber.

“The government employs thousands of catfish already to help promote its policy platform across social media. Retrain in cyber today and you won’t have to tell stories of the ones that got away, once you set yourself up with a few Union Jack flags and a love of veterans and animals on Twitter!”

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U.K. supermarkets replace fresh food with sovereignty

HOMEGROWN TASTE OF CONTROL : There is no need to panic when seeing empty supermarket shelves as there is an ample supply of homegrown sovereignty.

That is the message being put out today from Downing Street as reports of bare supermarket shelves begin to pile up across social media.

All major supermarket chains will begin filling the empty spaces in their shops with British sovereignty, with or without Union Jacks on the packaging, you’ll be able to tell it’s sovereignty once you open your mouth.

It also means that the days of bargains in supermarkets will continue with retailers being urged to offer two for one and multi-pack deals on the filling taste of having took back control from Brussels. Yeah.

There maybe some minor price hikes necessary to ensure the sovereignty is fresh, but it will be worth it once you tastebuds connect with the unique flavour only available in post transition Brexit U.K.

“We would request that households do not stockpile the sovereignty,” a Downing Street aide requests of the general public, “as we need to ensure everyone has access to it in the event of another toilet paper shortage.”