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Georgian Manor building boom announced so all PPE contract winners can buy one

PILE ‘EM HIGH AND SELL ‘EM CHEAP : THE PEOPLE’S PANDEMIC, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO THRILL THE CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY OF A GEORGIAN MANOR BUILDING BOOM.

The boost to the building sector comes as demand for classic 18th century, stately homes has surged in recent months, following the handling out of untendered PPE contracts to people who once met Matt Hancock.

“We’ll be flying in the required craftsmen and tradespeople from the continent on special charter flights,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “all native talent is currently pouring concrete in Kent. But that won’t stop us getting Manor building done!”

The properties will be constructed on the sweeping fields of farms that will be bankrupted with Brexit.

“Those farmers are dust now anyway. At least by watching a stately pile rapidly rising over their humble dwelling they’ll know their land won’t go to waste. And who knows, maybe they can rent an acre on it to grow their own food, as in the good old days. Although imported American chlorine soaked in antibiotics and hormones will plainly be the more economical alternative.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the boom will only really benefit people who’ve landed plum PPE contracts throughout the course of the tantric Covid-19 pandemic.

“That’s short sighted. The way we’ve handled Covid-19 is just a dress rehearsal for Brexit. There’s going to be stumbling blocks, shortages and flaring disasters all over once we finish the transition period. You want to get down to the boozer of a Tory MP today and rub shoulders. You never know your luck in the big city, or the small hamlet.”

PPE contracts – you’ve got to be in it to win it!

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Wearing Union Jack pants to be made compulsory from 1 January 2021

FUR COAT BUT NO KNICKERS: Union Jack branding is the latest government exercise in reviving our flagging sovereignty. Every man, woman and child of true blue British origin will be obliged to wear patriotic pants, or else be deported to Ascension Island.

Dress For Britain! is the latest three word slogan. Companies unconnected to the rag trade, but not unconnected to Tory party donors, will produce the jingoistic underwear.

“Going commando will not be an option,” explained Mandatory Patriotism Minister, Budgie Smugglers. “Unless our loyal subjects wish to have their nether regions tattooed in red, white and blue. I’ll run that one up the flagpole.”

Who could possibly object?

“Nobody, that’s the beauty of the scheme,” replied a clearly excited Smugglers. “But just in case, we are employing an extra 20,000 enforcement officers. The Proudly Patriotic Pants Police will perform spot checks to ensure that everyone has spotless pants.”

Won’t this eliminate the element of personal choice, so beloved of the free-market right wing?

“Not at all,” said Smugglers. “There’s always a choice. Wear the pants, or if you hate the country that much you can just leave. It makes getting dressed more efficient. There will be no more prevaricating over what to wear, just slip on your patriotic polyester and away you go!”

There are other advantages.

“It’s very easy to see at a glance whether somebody is following the regulations,” said Smugglers with a patronising note in his voice. “Anyone taking pride in their country will instantly drop ‘em for a strange man in the street, I know I would!”

There are those who are a bit shy about showing their smalls to a complete stranger.

“Clearly traitors, or, even worse, remoaners,” said Smugglers. “It’s a bit of cheeky fun, isn’t it? Give us a quick flash, have a giggle, and go, it’s just like being in a British seaside postcard!”

And if all else fails, just act the superhero and wear your pants outside your trousers.

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Boris Johnson orders ENGLISH CHANNEL dyed in the colours of the Union Jack

SEEING IS DECEIVING : World King Boris Johnson, and zero hours British Prime Minister, has taken a bold step today to securing British sovereignty against the unceasing attacks from Brussels.

He has ordered that the English Channel be dyed in the colours of the Union Jack, and all other British territorial waters to be similarly coloured.

The move is expected to make it clear to illegal fishing vessels operating out of lesser countries where they can and can not fish. It is also expected to ruin the retirement plans of Junker, who is said to be spending a lot of time fishing, which is another tangible benefit of Brexit.

“It will make it much easier to see which fish are traitors too,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food told LCD Views, “it will make extraditing them from France much easier after Brexit. Now the intangible nature of Britishness enjoyed by ARE FISH will be stained into their very scales just by swimming in the pure waters of Britannia. Sovereignty is Fishy. That’s the slogan.”

The method chosen to dye the waters is also said to be very personal to the prime minister.

“We’ll be using his water paints,” the spokesman said, “it’s meant we’ve had to give a mate of Matt Hancock’s a contract to supply the PM with £252m worth of new water paints. It’s a good thing he texted.”

There will be a televised ceremony to mark the dying of British waters too.

“John Redwood and Nigel Farage will dress in sack cloths and sail out to the extent of British waters off Dover. There they will sing Elgar while Priti Patel paints the water personally. It’s going to bring the entire country back together.”

Questions over what will happen to the paint have not been addressed. Specifically, if it will just flow away on the waters like sovereignty after Brexit?

“This is Brexit. It’s the one thing about which we only do personal cost benefit analysis, dependent on our financial portfolios. Now run along and learn the songs for the big day or you’ll be last in the line for the food queues come January.”

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Boris Johnson says he’s gonna build a wall around Manchester and “Andy Burnham will pay for it!”

SEE NO EVIL SPEAK NO EVIL HEAR A LOT OF EVIL : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ENDED THIS WEEK AS HE DOES MOST, WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A BOLD BUILDING PROJECT.

But it’s not a bridge he’s suggesting, or a rocket ship, no this week he has taken a leaf out of Donald Trump’s scat smeared colouring book and decided he’s going to build a wall.

“Just the greatest wall! Not many people know this, but no one in England has ever built a wall around a city before. And let me tell you folks you’re going to be amazed. So amazed. People all over the world will be talking about my wall. Just the greatest wall. So big. So Mancunian!”

The choice of Manchester for the wall is obvious, as they tend to vote Labour.

“We can’t have little Andy Burnham sneaking out of Manchester and spreading his dangerous ideas about supporting working people forced into endless isolation and penury by my WORLD BEATING management of Covid-19. They should have got a PPE contract! All the smartest people have PPE contracts! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!”

To assist with the PR campaign to convince the country that the wall around Manchester is necessary there will be a merchandising campaign, with stockpiles of MAGA hats flown over from the dusty warehouses they now rot in in the USA.

“And I know what you’re going to ask next. I know it. I have the greatest brain. Everybody can see it. I make buses out of empty wine crates. I ride forklifts through boxes. I hide in fridges! I’m a LEADER. OF. MEN. And I know how we’re going to pay for the wall around Manchester and keep areas with significantly higher COVID-19 infection rates safe from the crazy people who live there.”

Pause to allow suspense.

“We’re going to build a wall! And LITTLE ANDY BURNHAM is going to PAY FOR IT.”

At least that’s the plan, but it’s likely to backfire, like everything Johnson does since becoming the people’s prime minister.

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Kent to become the largest recipient of UK Gov overseas aid in 2021

LOOKING AFTER ARE OWN : A LEAKED WHITEHALL MEMO IS IN THE NEWS TODAY, as they are so often.

The subject of today’s memo is forecasting for the overseas aid spending in 2021, and even with the cut announced this week from 0.7 of the national budget to 0.5, there’s still some surprising winners.

“The memo discusses the need to look after are own,” our Westminster correspondent reports, “and the needy are very close to home.”

But it’s not hungry school children or public sector workers surviving on the breadline who are the focus.

“The main concern seems to be the likelihood of a unilateral declaration of independence by the newly created Kingdom of Kent. It’s believed a right Cnut, already a prominent local figure, will rise to lead the new nation and take it away from the rest of England.

“The aid spend will be aimed to offset the worst case scenario of Kent seeking to join France, once it is completely fed up with lorry queues so big they’re seen from space, and of course the overflowing portaloos that will make large swathes of Kent uninhabitable, once flooding spreads the trucker shit across the lowlands.”

How the aid money will be spent specifically isn’t discussed, but the implication is it will be used to “support” Tory MPs in resisting the push for independence.

“The first crisis will come once the Kent Access Permits come into force on January 1st. There’s likely to be large scale revolt at the sudden erection of a border in England. And this will lead to a psychological shift. Although it’s not all bad news if secession occurs. It’s understood Priti Patel is likely to return permanently to her stronghold in Essex and wage a war to seize the crown of the new Kingdom across the border, with her banner of the flayed man flying high above her semi-detached home and the screams of the captured echoing forever through the halls of her fortress. This will free up Boris Johnson to appoint a new Home Secretary that better reflects his obvious liberal tendencies.”

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PAY IT BACKWARDS : Man who shared his crisps with Matt Hancock in pre-school lands £252m PPE contract

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT HANCOCK HAS BEEN A BUSY BOY DURING 2020, WHAT WITH COVID-19 OPENING UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO SHINE.

But no where has he excelled more, some may say, than in the awarding without tender of PPE contracts.

And as 2020 draws to a close with a Covid Christmas waiting in late December, it seems likely PPE demand will continue to ebb and flow, but mostly flow.

The people receiving contracts are clearly all upstanding professionals with longstanding involvement in the health and social care sector.

And the latest round of PPE awards show that it’s getting increasingly difficult for cabinet ministers to hand out contracts.

“We’ve been having special memory and recall training with experts at retrieving early life memories,” a spokesman for Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock told LCD Views.

“After the guy that sold Matt a beer once got a contract worth hundreds of millions of pounds, he was starting to draw blanks and his Whatsapp wasn’t offering up any new answers to the troubling question of who to award a contract to next.”

That’s where the memory training came in.

“Matt followed the training. He sat smeared in butter in the middle of a field of clover, folded his hands into his lap, closed his eyes and began to hum. He held an image in his mind palace of PPE supplies and a question mark. It wasn’t long before Roger Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester came to mind. Although not Roger the burly manufacturer of plastic ring pulls of today, but little Roger who Matt once shared a packet of crisps with.”

We haven’t been able to talk directly to Mr Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester for comment. This is difficult as he’s invented, as is this entire article. But we have smeared ourselves in butter, sat in a field of clover, and held our hands in the shape of a telescope to see the future.

And there is Roger now, busily phoning estate agents to sell his 1930’s semi-detached in Winslow and exchange it for a 17th century Georgian Manor House, with attached stables, in deepest Herts.

“People don’t realise that the kindnesses they show in childhood can come back to reward them much later in life,” the aide added, “it’s incredibly Dickensian. In fact, so is the entire Boris Johnson government.”

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David Cameron breaks Twitter silence to confirm that he is still a twat

WHAT WOULD DANNY DYER SAY? The former worst-ever Prime Minister of the UK, David Cameron, has surfaced. His weedy blathering about a manifesto promise only confirms that he remains a weapons-grade twat.

It’s a common theme. John Redwood is firing off rancid missives as though it’s still 2016. David Davis has demonstrated that he still can’t negotiate his way out of a paper bag. By expressing surprise at a Conservative government breaking its promises, Cameron merely confirms his twattiness.

Cameron had a chance. A chance to be decent. A chance to stand up for moderation and British values. Instead he allowed the lunatic fringe to dictate the narrative, and look where we are now. And instead of being strong and admitting he was wrong, or ordering a sensible and mature debate, he ran away. Bravely. To his man-shed, to “write his memoirs”. Twat.

It is a shame to be reminded of the moon-faced idle rich pig-fancying posh boy who pushed the country on its path to rack and ruin. Especially as the current incumbent is another moon-faced idle rich pig-fancying posh boy who pushes the country on its path to rack and ruin.

In between these two over-privileged, under-talented oafs, was the equally unlamented Theresa May. She tried to run the country like a prefect who lacked the charm to become Head Girl. Never good enough, she was bookended by the type of shallow chancer who gets involved in student societies right up to the point where they snag an executive position. Twats.

A better man than Cameron might have been remembered for the unfortunate pig incident and the poncy gypsy wagon alone. But Cameron bequeathed the country with the Brexit time bomb, and scuttled away immediately after lighting the fuse. Twat.

The poison has penetrated deeply. Let’s hope for better times, when the likes of Nigel Farage will be consigned to the fringes where they belong, and be called out for what they are. Twats.

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Chancellor Rishi Sunak to launch “Dishy Rishi 2021 Calendar” at midday today

NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, RISHI SUNAK, IS SET TO PROVIDE ADDTIONAL STOCKING FILLERS TODAY WITH THE LAUNCH OF HIS FIRST CELEBRITY CALENDAR.

The calendar will have one theme for each month and feature Mr Sunak in a variety of dazzling compositions.

“No expense has been spared on the photography and design of the Sunak spreads,” an aide working on the product told LCD Views, “in fact we’ve put more effort into this than the entirety of the economic plan to cope with Brexit.”

January will kick off with Rishi standing disarmingly (but socially, and financially distanced) next to a bin fire and the tag line “We’re all in this together!”.

February will be Mr Sunak distributing bread at a food bank with a smile so innocent you’d never know he could have prevented it.

March will see Rishi as Atlas.

“The boulder on his back will look distinctly like Boris Johnson. But any suggestion this is a subtle play for the Tory leadership is mistaken. Rishi can just buy that.”

April will see a return to Mr Sunak’s most loved environment. Wagamamma’s.

“He’ll take a break from the casual, business chic attire for this one. He’ll actually be taking a leaf out of Johnson’s book and cosplaying as a fireman. The better to help the fire brigade crew fight the flames resulting from the Brexit food rioting.”

Details of the summer months are still under wraps, with the teasing suggestion they will have a playful, swimsuit theme.

The calendar does end officially in December, like usual, but as with some it has a bonus extra month for the following year. January 2022.

“This will focus on winter foraging for food and fuel supplies while enduring a trade embargo from Europe. Rishi will be pictured as King Cnut in this one. Feet in the rising waters and the people grub for grubs on a green and open landscape.”

Pre-order your calendar today and receive a free motivational coffee mug with it.

“That has ‘Brexit – Sunak will make a meal out of it!’ written across it.”

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David Davis reappointed Brexit Secretary after his outstanding negotiations with Vodafone

WE NEED HIM MORE THAN HE NEEDS US: In times of great need, the UK requires a saviour to gallop to our rescue in shining armour. St George? Shakespeare? Benny Hill? No, that greatest of luminaries, David Davis.

The man who spent 18 months failing to negotiate the easiest deal in history has once again displayed his outstanding quality. He spent 6 hours trying to sort out his phone contract with Vodafone, with absolutely no success whatsoever.

This is the man we need at the helm as increasingly fractious Brexit debates still rage. Much of the current team is still at the stage where they wail, ‘Why doesn’t someone tell them we voted to leave?’ ignoring the fact that this is the reason they came around the negotiating table in the first place.

So back into the fray comes the man of the moment. Brexit, we were told, could be sorted out in an afternoon over a cup of tea. Davis couldn’t sort out a phone contract in more than an afternoon despite consuming several cups of tea. Clearly, he is the man for the job.

The necessary tactics are obvious. Davis must insist on an EE+++ deal, with free 5G (whenever the technological solution becomes available) and 100 extra minutes. Oh, and he won’t pay the bill because that’s socialism. No more TalkTalk, or we will WalkWalk. No phone is better than a bad phone, after all.

This sort of fighting talk is what got Davis the job in the first place. In no time at all, the EU will be despatching orders to all the German car manufacturers to send a car full of mobile telephones to Mr Davis, and give him a free lift to the Sunlit Uplands.

Or, more likely, they will give him an Australia-style deal. Two tinnies connected with a piece of string. It’s the ideal way to congratulate a cobber for all his hard yakka. Bonzer, mate!

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Donald Trump invokes Magna Carta to overturn US election result

POLITICALLY DEAD AND BLOATED : OUTGOING PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HAS TRIED every trick in the US rule book to overturn the election results which saw Joe Biden defeat him. And defeat him heavily.

“He’s also tried every trick that isn’t in the rule book,” our US correspondent reports, “some would say that all the accusations of fraud and cheating Trump and his cabal have been throwing around are a perfect example of transposition. Although history will tell us what’s what on that score.”

And history is where the exasperated orange scat gibbon has turned next in his increasingly ludicrous attempts to cling onto power.

“He was reading a Twitter thread about legal options for overturning CV-19 laws you don’t like in England,” our correspondent informs, “and he discovered that business people in England have been using the Magna Carta. Invoking it to defend what they decide are their rights. And the common good be damned. He was onto it like it was a cheeseburger holding an NDA.”

Quite which lawyer will attempt to argue in an American court that an 800 year old treaty between an English king and his barons is applicable to US constitutional law (covering elections) isn’t yet clear. As it seems the lawyers are now getting out of Trump town before they need lawyers themselves.

“Rudi will probably have a go,” our correspondent opines, “he’s pretty much hollowed out now inside, so what’s another scrape of the old inner barrel? See what’s under its bottom. That’s if he can wash the hair dye out of his eyes in time to try.”

And if not Rudi?

“Ivanka.”