LCD Views

THE EASIEST FARCE IN HISTORY : THE UK’S 18 MONTH LONG EXPERIMENT IN LEADERSHIP BY IDIOT HAS BEGUN TO YIELD RESULTS.

The experiment has been run by KleptoFascistInternationalist Enterprises, an international concern with key stakeholders in the UK, USA and the Russian Federation, with the aim of reinventing feudalism for the 21st century.

“We hoped to prove it was entirely possible to place a confirmed idiot in a position of leadership and see a country fail,” a spokesman for KFIE told LCD Views, “and we believe the choosing of a Benny Hill tribute act has only augmented the outcomes for all key stakeholders.”

Most of the key stakeholders are believed to be kleptocrats and currency traders, but some are just good old fashioned fascists.

“It is not clear how much longer we will let the experiment run,” the spokesman continues, “as we are facing some headwinds from across the Atlantic. These are expected to strengthen in late January. But the important date is December 31st this year and we will successfully see the experiment beyond that.”

The only real concerns appear to be the complete lack of preparation at a state and local level to prepare for the outcomes of the experiment, with the farce government now looking to impose food and medicine shortages on the population under study.

“That is not KFIE’s position,” the spokesman hit back, “we look forward to racketeering in food stuffs and clean water products. The lack of preparation just expands our options for additional experiments.”

Happily for KFIE, and the Benny Hill tribute – Boris Johnson, the population the experiment is being conducted on keeps expecting common sense to return.

“That’s a key advantage for us,” KFIE said, “if someone stopped the Benny Hill theme music blaring out of 10 Downing Street we’d have to cut our losses and run. As it stands we expect to have a lot of fun, especially watching Johnson giving his finest hour speeches as the dogging begins in Kent lorry parks and the portaloos overflow, just adding to the fun.”

HOUSE SLYTHERING : BREAKING NEWS TODAY THAT ONE OF THE LEADING LIGHTS OF BRITISH POLITICAL PANTOMINE, MICHAEL GOVE, HAS APPLIED FOR POLITICAL ASYLUM IN BRUSSELS.

It was expected that Mr Gove would travel into the lion’s den today in order to further confuse the Brexit negotiations, but it took everyone by surprise when he immediately applied for diplomatic protection.

“It is potentially an exceptionally good move on the part of Boris Johnson,” our Westminster correspondent muses, “he presumably tipped Gove over the edge by asking him to go to Brussels in the first place. And now that’s one less knife hovering at his back. Only several hundred remain now waiting for the moment of political assassination.”

Whether or not the EU will grant Gove’s request isn’t clear, with many expressing surprise that he has applied for the asylum in Brussels and not Amsterdam.

“It will make trying him at the Hague easier?” one official mused to us on the condition of anonymity, “as once the UK exits the transition period at the end of December and tears up all its ties to the EU, we can revoke the diplomatic protection and put Gove on trial. I say Hague, it maybe Nuremberg where he is tried.”

But some are concerned that Gove is not genuine in his application and has actually been sent over to Brussels to destroy its outrageous unity v UK, but from the inside.

“This is why he is being held right now in a secure facility,” our correspondent notes, “at the bottom of a well with just enough shade to keep out of direct sunlight, with the walls of the well above head height composed entirely of garlic, silver and some butter. This is to help with the cooking should he accidentally step into the light.”

Other leading Brexiters are expected to head to Brussels and claim asylum before the year is out, much in the way that regime insiders always flee before the final collapse, leaving only the diehards at the end attempting to decide, revolver or cyanide, or both?

Brexit, you do have to crazy to work in it, and no, that doesn’t help.

A SUBSTANTIAL MEAL: Scotch eggs are for Christmas, not for life, it seems. Under new austerity no deal brexit rules, turkey and all the trimmings will this year be replaced by a Scotch egg.

Those rubbishing the news have been silenced. It’s as though their mouths have been sealed with Scotch Tape.

Red tape is bad enough, but the Scotch variety comes in a bewildering choice of tartan. This makes the etiquette of choosing the correct tape to silence anyone with Scottish ancestry an absolute nightmare.

So the bland, dry turkey is out. Instead you will get a bland, dry, pub snack. It’s ok, you say, until you realise that there are no trimmings, nothing.

“It’s enough to feed a family of six,” explained Gluttony Minister Oliver Nutherhelping. “The Rule of Six states that a single Scotch egg contains sufficient nourishment for six people for a whole day. We are following The Science,” he concluded, tucking into another portion of SAGE and onion stuffing.

But won’t there be uproar? The Great British Public want, nay, demand sprouts on their plates on this one special day. No sprouts, and there will be rioting.

“Let me scotch that rumour,” replied Nutherhelping through a mouthful of Yorkshire pudding and gravy. “Nobody actually likes sprouts. Besides, Scotch egg is perfectly substantial, even adequate.”

Potatoes? Pigs in blankets? Cranberry sauce?

“Grow your own,” said Nutherhelping, munching a large piece of steak with several onion rings. “It’s not our responsibility to feed the people. How hard can it be?”

It will be slim pickings. Even slimmer than the premise of this article.

“Obesity is putting a strain on the NHS,” remarked Nutherhelping, now working his way through a whole Christmas pudding covered with cream, custard, and brandy butter. “No, I don’t think I’ll have the waffer thin mint, thank you very much!”

The only remaining difficulty is, will an independent Scotland let us have their eggs? Wait and see what sort of deal Boris Johnson can do.

TAKING PERSONAL CONTROL : THERE ARE FEARS IN THE FRENCH HIGH COMMAND TODAY THAT BORIS JOHNSON HAS COMPLETELY OUTMANOEUVRED THEM AT THE 11TH HOUR IN THE BREXIT TALKS.

The PANIC centres on the future of their fishing fleet and the inability to get the better of the bold seafaring Brits.

“We thought Britain no longer ruled the waves,” an aide to President Macron told LCD Views, off the record, “but it seems they just can not be beaten. It is the end of the fishing industry in France. We are all shellshocked.”

The exact strategy Mr Johnson has used to scupper the French appears to be inspired by his usual way of solving problems, largely caused by himself.

“He’s given them all an untendered PPE contract and Matt Hancock’s private phone number so they can Whatsapp him to arrange it,” the aide said, looking ashen, “how are we supposed to compete with that? If Macron makes any move to block them taking the penalty clause free windfalls they’re be riots like we haven’t seen in France since yesterday.”

The payments to the French fishermen are believed to come with a cherry on top too, as all will be backdated to the moment the French and English crowns separated in the Medieval period, and the fishing wars began.

“We are going to have to buy all the English fish now,” the aide said, “it’s going to bankrupt us. Now that the UK is free to take whatever it wants from BRITISH WATERS. They’ll have so much to sell we won’t be able to keep up. If only we could just raid our public finances to staunch the wounds we create ourselves, like Mr Johnson.”

Exactly how much PPE will be supplied by the retired French fishermen isn’t clear.

“It’s not part of the deal. It’s just a direct cash transfer in the billions right into their bank accounts. And they’re getting paid in Euros too, so the money is still worth something next year. What a genius is Mr Johnson. Talk about having your hake and eating it.”