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Ghost of Thatcher seeks exorcism to end possession by terrifying ghoulish presence

THEY DARE NOT SPEAK HER NAME : NEWS FROM THE UNDERWORLD TODAY after the ghost of Margaret Thatcher reached out from beyond the grave to seek assistance. The surprising call for help is reported to have occurred during a local Conservative Party seance.

“We were having our usual Sunday church service,” Mr T. Gammon, head of the Scrupoor Conservative Association told LCD Views. “You know, we sacrifice some puppies stolen from a slum. We don’t even want to sacrifice puppies but the bleeding hearts stop us taking children. It’s not like the good old days when Britain was respected. Before the last Labour government ruined our reputation. Anyway. It was business as usual early Sunday morning. We smeared ourselves in the puppy blood, asked the Dark Lord to lower our taxes to the point where state schools are so underfunded by default they adopt the user pays class structure, and low and beyond the ouija board nearly lost its mind.”

Mr. Gammon reveals that the pointer on the board flew about the letters just repeatedly spelling “HELP ME!”.

“Of course our first instinct was to say no. If you can’t help yourself it’s no point being a layabout, work shy, woke drain on society. Honest, hardworking Britons tax money is needed for PPE fraud. Anyways, Mrs. Gammon let her curiosity get the better of her and asked who needed help? Just in case it was a US private health conglomerate looking for another chunk of the NHS. That’s when we discovered it was our Margaret, hallowed be her name, even though she burns in Hell.”

The help required was stated as an exorcism.

“Apparently she can’t get a moment’s rest. That in itself is not surprising as she’s constantly spinning in her grave, but it’s become increasingly difficult to do even that because she’s been possessed by Liz Truss.”

The Scrupoor Conservative Association is planning a cake sale to raise the funds required to hire an exorcist. Union Flag bunting for the service will be provided by local residents.

“It’s a bit of a stretch but we have to try. Liz is cosplaying Thatcher so hard now there’s a risk poor Margaret will have to go from the seventh to the eighth ring of Hell just to get some peace and quiet. But even then I doubt she’d be safe from Truss’s Instagram account. We’d ask Heaven to help us, but they don’t take our calls.”

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Twelve years of shit Tory policies to magically vanish with new Tory PM

IT’S A MIRACLE : The UK is set to see off inflation and the cost of living crisis with a world beating speed now that it is expecting a new Tory PM.

The Institute for Idiots, a ramped up think tank funded by kleptocratic cash, has revealed the dramatic change in national fortunes after funding a few headlines aligned with the funders’ ideological aims.

“People will be so grateful to realise that it’s not the underlying economic idiocy and inherent cultural vandalism of Tory thinking that is the problem, but the past leaders. They were basically commies. Cameron. May. Johnson. Marxists. Too woke by half. But the next leader will be completely different and all the failure will vanish. Ambulances will appear as if by the grace of God. GPs grow out of street corners. Farmers spring from the hills and valleys like sprites and the fishing industry resurgent overnight. And let’s not talk about the EU, they’ll be eating out of our hands.”

The reason for this is obvious, it’s just because they intend to pretend that’s true. And that will be good enough to work the old Tory magic.

And that’s not all. The Tory membership choosing the UK’s third consecutive PM, without consideration of the views and wishes of everyone else, will also showcase the robust nature of British parliamentary democracy. The UK is back and taxes are just a memory of a time lost and sensibly shrouded.

“Remember the policies aren’t the problem. and Brexit is definitely something that can be transformed from the elephant in the room into a magic wand. It may seem now that the elephant has explosive diarreah and we’re all swimming in it, while saying the water is lovely, but that is not the issue. Johnson not knowing how many kids he has was the only flaw in neoliberal policies.”

But that’s soon to be solved by the party of government as it sheds its skin and re-emerges again without the need to consult the public.

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BREAKING : PM makes new cabinet from empty wine crates

HOW CAN YOU LEAVE AND STAY AT THE SAME TIME : BRITAIN’S most popular Prime Minister since the last one, Boris Johnson, has revealed a steely determination to “get on with the job” of ignoring the will of his own party and in all likelihood large swathes of the electorate.

In spite of resigning as Prime Minister yesterday the PM shows no signs of leaving office and many are beginning to suspect he has no plans to do so. He got through the day, and that was all that matters. A close listen to the hodgepodge of random lies and self-justification he regurgitated by way of his “resignation” speech suggests he’s not done yet. At least not in his own mind, that cavernous room of self-aggrandisement and nonsense.

“He’s a past master at the great con,” a close confidant told LCD Views, “just ask any of his numerous wives, mistresses and employers. You can’t trust a damn thing he says. This is why he’s so exciting to be around and people just can’t get enough of his hi-jinks.”

It does seem that saying one thing and doing another is almost the PM’s reason to get up in the morning.

“It makes him feel superior over lesser mortals, bound as they are by ridiculous social conventions like honesty and integrity.”

And to prove that he’s pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes again he has announced this morning that he’s “Got cabinet done”.

“He’s built a new cabinet out of empty wine crates overnight,” the source adds. “He’s used the mouldiest and flimsiest crates he could find amongst the wheelie bins behind Number 10. When he’s done showing it off he’ll set fire to it.”

Meanwhile you are encouraged to believe he will do as he said he would and start making the most of the tangible benefits of Brexit. Chief of which has been the demolition of our national politics. Get Bojo Done, the Tories would be advised to get a hurry on, and not just in Party’s interests…

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson orders schools to rename classes after famous French military defeats

PATRIOTIC PM REBOOTS : The UK’s beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, is all set for a comeback this week with a series of unique and exciting policy announcements.

Surprisingly, there is little detail accompanying the new raft of policies, but that won’t stop Mr Johnson and his servile Cabinet from announcing them.

“People will soon forget them anyway,” a Cabinet insider told LCD Views. “The main aim is to highlight how great tomorrow will be under Mr Johnson’s leadership, not to actually do anything. People have other matters to worry about day by day. Like food. Let’s give them something to hope for in the future. Always in the future. It’s just sensible governance. This leaves us free to beg donors for cash in exchange for nothing whatsoever. The Mother of Parliaments! Ha!”

And it seems that the Johnson team have learned from earlier mistakes and won’t be repeating them.

“We won’t be putting numbers on things. Like the doomed 40 new hospitals business. We should just have said new hospitals. Rookie error. Don’t want the Health Secretary having to run around declaring GP surgeries hospitals again. Someone might notice we never actually build anything. These policies will be more along cultural lines. As that’s what’s important to the public.”

The most eye-catching of them appears to be an order for all UK schools to rename classes after famous French military defeats.

“This will have Macron quaking in his boots. Imagine the look on his face when he’s just unbuttoned his top to expose his chest hair and hears that a year two class in Phuck-on-Woe in the shires has changed its name from Poplar to The Battle of Crécy? Sacre blower! Ha! We’re even considering renaming Downing Street to Waterloo Street, if the EU don’t buckle under in the NI Ireland negotiations.”

Supporters of the government have taken to social media to produce surprisingly similar posts in support of the initiative, stating it shows the outward looking focus of Brexit Britain.

“Mr Johnson is getting on with the job of government,” the insider adds, “rebuilding the faith the British people broke with him when they maligned him for partying as their relatives died in isolation. He’ll soon have them all eating out of his hand again, and forgive them. It’s his right to be their PM, not a privilege, and everyone needs to understand it.”

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Editor of ‘The Times’ narrowly avoids charge of “Embarrassing the Office of the Prime Minister”

LUCKY BREAK : Lord Philby Feelbottom is said to be feeling “mightily relieved” today after an unexpected brush with the law, which he escaped. Lord Feelbottom has been editing the august newspaper, The Times, since The Restoration period and has rarely been in danger of being taken to The Tower. That all changed yesterday.

It seems that while incapacitated by a breakfast of ‘Failed State – done over easy’ the Editor mistakenly allowed a factual story embarrassing the Prime Minister and his former mistress, now wife (location uncertain – subject to unsubstantiated social media rumours) to make it into his newspaper.

The story appears to concern Mr Johnson’s efforts while Foreign Secretary to give his mistress at the time, now wife, a plum civil service job she wasn’t qualified for with a salary of approximately £100K. £100K is of course chicken feed and no one should worry about that, just ask Ms Arcuri.

Quite how the current Mrs Johnson is dealing with being treated like Ms Arcuri is anyone’s guess, perhaps she could ask the woman who was Mr Johnson’s wife when they began their affair?

How The Times believed it could get away with publicly, factually reporting another of the endless Johnson scandals is anyone’s guess. Perhaps ask Lord Feelbottom.

The charge Lord Feelbottom escaped by withdrawing the Foreign Office story is said to be covered by a new law titled ‘Embarrassing the Office of the Prime Minister’, inspired by similar laws in other autocracies that pretend to be democracies. The so called ‘independent media’ in those autocracies behave in similar ways to how The Times has.

Clearly the person most at risk of being charged under this law is the Prime Minister himself! Who never misses an opportunity to embarrass himself. Not that it matters, he governs a party entirely devoid of backbone which is happy to watch us all sink ever deeper into the mire of scandal and corruption so long as they enjoy fleeting power and the chance of personal enrichment. The country be damned.

They say it is not possible to go back in time and change history, it is if you’re The Times!

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Boris Johnson to install a giant fridge in Ukraine “just in case Zelenskyy goes rogue”

A FRIDGE TOO FAR: The Big Dog is running scared. Afraid that his new best buddy Volodymyr Zelenskyy might stop welcoming impromptu visits, Big Dog has taken steps to install a kennel in Kyiv. 

Brave Big Dog, afraid that his planned visit to Yorkshire might culminate in filthy northern booing, scarpered to the sanctuary of Ukraine. Brave Sir Big Dog ran away, again, meaning that another tranche of Tory loyalists finally realised that Boris Johnson is a big fat liar. 

Naturally, scores of loyal Tory arselickers have lined up to support the PM. “Doncaster is a shithole, to be fair,” claimed Cole Minor, Red Wall MP for Hell, Hull and Halifax. “Kyiv is very nice this time of year, and the daily aerial displays of the Russian air force are not to be missed!” 

Minor was by far from being the only MP panicked into writing ill thought out bollocks in a naked attempt to preserve his skin. This makes it almost certain that when Johnson falls, as he must do in the end, that Minor and his ilk will fall too. 

The fridge over troubled war zones prompted also sent tabloid “journalists” into a frenzy of mental gymnastics. The Daily Telegraph was at the forefront of blaming Starmer, Blair, Corbyn, Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, and any other remainiac lefty they could think of for Johnson chickening out of facing his public in favour of a hastily arranged photo op. 

The fridge was paid for, equipped and delivered at the expense of one of the notorious party donors. You never get something for nothing, so the wily donor e will have extracted a promise from Johnson to further screw the economy, so the donor may profit by betting against Britain. 

Johnson’s minders must realise that he exploits everyone he comes into contact with, meaning that Zelenskyy will eventually “go rogue”, meaning that he has twigged what Johnson is really up to. Woof woof! 

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson names new Ethics Advisor

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK : The UK’s world leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has proven once again that there’s no job vacancy he can not fill in the UK after he instantly replaced his old Ethics Advisor with a new one.

The role of Ethics Advisor to the PM is one of the most coveted in public life as the Prime Minister pays “zero attention” to the advice and just does “whatever the sperm bubbling up around his spinal column demands” day in and day out.

But the new man is expected to be a more active advisor based largely on the fact he’s essentially been doing the job for years.

The appointment will raise hackles in both the USA and Russia though, with the Russian President believing he was likely to succeed Lord Geidt in a function he’s invested millions into over the last decade. Former President Donald Trump is also reported to be “out of sorts”, as he sees himself as Mr Johnson’s “spiritual godfather”.

How long Rupert Murdoch will last in the post is not clear though, given his great age.

“Rupert will move fast,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “He hasn’t quite completed his life long mission to destroy UK democracy, driven by a cultural cringe he imbibed and deeply resented the UK over in his Antipodean childhood. But with Mr Johnson he believes he has the right man to finish the job before he leaves this life to burn the gates of Heaven to the ground.”

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BREAKING : The word “SHOCK” takes legal action to bar it from use in headlines about UK economy

CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY : SHOCK news today that an important and much used word in the English lexicon has begun legal action to limit its use by newspapers, and any media outlet.

The shocking news is because the actual word ‘shock’ has been bandied about so much lately in stories and Op Eds on the UK economy that ‘shock’ itself has become sentient due the influx of disproportionate amounts of energy directed at it. And shock was shocked to discover how it’s been used.

“It really is quite shocking,” Shock tweeted on its newly minted account. “I had expected to wonder at the majesty of bees or the blueness of the sky if I ever achieved sentience. Instead I’m just sitting dumbfounded that headline writers in serious publications use me to describe the state of the UK economy. What did you all expect to happen to the economy once you made a nostalgia festival of misremembered horseshit serving tax dodgers and racists the guiding thrust of economic policy? I am not the word you are looking for. Self-inflicted blunt trauma to the country’s temporal lobes, those are the words you’re after. You can’t use me anymore in this context.”

Whether or not the shocking legal action will lead to a shock result is in the future, but the reasons for the word engaging lawyers are in the present day, and were all forecast for many years.

“Hopefully I will be successful when I have my day in court and it can pave the way for other words to take action and assert their independence from misuse in the minds and mouths of idiots. I would suggest phrases take action too. Remainer’s Brexit. Right there. That’s a crime if ever I saw one. Only an idiot would think that oxymoron was logical.”

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BREAKING : Nadine Dorries to privatise the internet

SAY IT ISN’T SO : The UK’s most efficient supporter of the Prime Minister, Minister for Yoghurt Nadine Dorries, has announced bold new measures designed to ensure the perception of Mr Johnson as a useless, lying sack of shite is “upstreamed” back to “a modern day Churchill, but not like the dog from the TV, the other one who led the Light Brigade in the defence of Mercia”.

The new measures are specifically in response to the discovery that just entering “PM” into an internet search leads users to find page after page of news articles critical of the Prime Minister.

A spokesman for the Culture Minister told the press today that privatising the internet was the only way to ensure positive coverage of Mr Johnson returned, thus ensuring “a 1000 year reign of Mr Johnson and his innumerable descendants.”

“There is no reason other than bias for news sites being overloaded with critical articles of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman said. “His infidelities, his lying, his lawbreaking, his complete and total disloyalty to anything other than short term ventures that excite his dopamine centres, his threats to the Northern Irish peace process, his vacuity in policy terms, his concealment of reports over Russian interference in UK democratic process, his failure to be pro-active during the pandemic, his industrial scale deceit to all electorates, none of this accounts for the bias shown by so called impartial news outlets.”

Once the internet is privatised it will be owned solely by offshore billionaires with tax efficient arrangements who will fund social media lackeys and pretend journalists to flood the patriotic digital sphere with solely positive comment. The move has been described as “democratic” by Ms Dorries.

“There is only one thing standing in the way of the complete crushing of dissent and a pure, democratic electorate,” the spokesman added, “the internet. But first of all Nadine has to find it. But once she does she’ll privatise it. The only way to defend freedom of speech is to control what’s being said.”

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BREAKING : Nadine Dorries appointed ‘Director of Campaigning’ after PM calls snap GE for this weekend

DIRECTOR OF COMPLAINING : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has proven he gets all the BIG CALLS RIGHT after deciding to ditch his cancer stricken wife for his (then) mistress and moving said babe into 10 Downing Street. Few would have had the courage to be so bold in their mashing up of their personal and political lives, and neither the Tories nor their client media would have let anyone else get away with it. But he’s not done yet.

Hot on the heels of his smashing electoral win yesterday against his own rank and file the PM has decided to call a SNAP GENERAL ELECTION for this weekend. A special bank holiday will be decreed later today to celebrate the unexpected polling and show it’s not just the Queen who can give you an unexpected day off.

The rumour mill hasn’t even had time to get started on who will be the electoral campaign director for the SUDDEN POLL DAY because the PM has GOTTEN THIS CALL RIGHT TOO and appointed subservient and doe-eyed MP, public starling, ostriche anus eater and go to defender of the crown NADINE DORRIES as the one to steer the ship safely to the bottom of the sea.

“Nadine has seized the coveted job after showing her quality yesterday prior to the Confidence Vote in the PM,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “At the start of yesterday the rebels who were prepared to vote against Boris were thought to be about 60-80. Thanks to Nadine’s work in front of the cameras and on Twitter by the time the vote was called 148 Tory MPs were prepared to bin their careers and go against Boris. Some misinterpret this as almost a loss, but what it really shows is how high a peak the PM had to scale just to stay in office. He couldn’t have gotten to that point without her flawless day of electioneering.”

It’s not just Ms Dorries who is celebrating though, a long cast of previously unknown backbench MPs are set for Ministries after the PM found just the right levers to pull to keep them onside.

“We’ll shortly be announcing the new Ministers for Drawing A Line, Getting the BIG CALLS Right, Moving On, Navel Gazing, Retributions, The Issues Our Opponents Want Us to Talk About, VONC 2,3 and 4, Leading the War Effort In Countries We’re Not At War In, Vaccine Roll Out Boasts and Denial of Reality, among many more.”

It’s not clear how many MPs Mr Johnson is prepared to sacrifice to win this weekend, but the body count will be significant.

“If Dorries can just repeat her efforts yesterday we’ll see another stunning victory for the PM,” the source explains. “It’s now or never. We wait too long and we’ll have nothing left to offer the Gods of Politics in order to carry on just that little bit longer dismantling the UK.”

Remember it’s always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris Johnson, just ignore today, which was once tomorrow, but will soon be yesterday with a lovely day just two days away.