Category: Mixed media

Amazing news from the Westminster bubble today with the announcement from Downing Street that the integrity driven production company behind BBCQT production has been awarded the contract to produce the next season of PMQ’s.

“By awarding this contract to Sieg Hile TV we will see a return to balance in a format that has often been criticised for being snowflake central,” Mr S Atan, aide to the prime minister’s office told LCD Views.

”Total gammon in the lower house, that’s what you can expect,” he continued, “we expect there will be significant recasting too. A Hitler is to be resurrected to takeover on the prime minister’s dispatch box and J Stalin is in and J Corbyn is out.”

To ensure even greater ratings success the MPs making up the audience in the chamber will be recast too.

”On one side total gammon. Wall to wall salted pork. Also your standard Tory plants. You know the type, joined the Nazi youth at twelve before failing to get elected to a local council at eighteen. Now day jobbing as a rent a crowd member whenever Conservatives need one.”

And on the opposition benches?

”There won’t be any opposition benched. This isn’t a change from the last couple of years of course. But the space will be filled. Mostly it will be filled with Nigel Farage, Paul Nuttall, Isabel Oakeshit and any other neocon stooge we can find.”

The filming of the revised PMQ’s begins this week with the return of parliament.

”Expect a lot of shouting and do not expect anyone who’s gone mad with PC in the audience. Racism, sexism, xenophobia and fetishising of autocratic tendencies will be on the menu and it’ll be shoved down your throats whether you like it or not.”

Oh, so not much of a change after all.

The BBC has stated openly that it wishes to emulate global success stories like Fox News and the Daily Mail.

LCD’s False Equivalence correspondent contacted the Director General’s office for comment. Unfortunately, the DG was on holiday hunting unicorns with Paul Dacre.

In fact the only person not unaccountably absent was Current Affairs Scriptwriter May Kittupp. ‘I’m very excited by the news!” she said. “The BBC has worked very hard to achieve Fake News Media status.”

This is partly due to a change in emphasis. Boring shows like Question Time have received a populist makeover. QT itself has been remodelled on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Kittupp’s career path is illuminating. She started in Children’s TV, developing fantastical programmes like Teletubbies and In The Night Garden. She created whimsical characters with repetitive catchphrases in a magical dreamland. Her Current Affairs brief is almost identical.

Kittupp took us through the main criteria of FNM accreditation.

1. Accuracy.

“It’s been very useful to have a reputation for accuracy!” she exclaimed. “The BBC always reports, accurately, the stories it is paid to tell.”

2. Omission.

“In its simplest form, this means not reporting anything that goes against the narrative,” she said. “But the BBC has been very clever by allowing dissenting voices. Which brings us on to…”

3. Contradiction.

“After the dissent, we wheel on some shameless rent-a-gobshite like Bernard Jenkin,” she explained. “I write something for him to say, like, ‘No, that’s wrong, and my opinion trumps your boring analysis any day!’ and off he goes.”

4. Interruption.

“Give them a voice, but don’t let them speak!” she clarified. “I write statements like, ‘But that’s not very democratic!’ and ‘Hang on, the country has already decided!’ for John Humphrys to say whenever an interviewee is about to make a valid point.”

5. Deflection.

“Take the example of institutional racism,” she explained. “We work hard to smear who we are paid to smear. So we discovered that Jeremy Corbyn once shared a platform with an Israeli. That means, whenever Boris Johnson makes a crass comment about women wearing the burqa, we shout, but, but, Corbyn and antisemitism.”

6. Reassurance.

“If all else fails, we tell the people that everything will be fine,” she concluded. “Our usual technique is to exhume Iain Duncan Smith from his tomb in the BBC crypt to reassure the nation.”

“And if we are accused of broadcasting Fake News, we cry Fake News back,” she added. “After all it takes one to know one!”

Indeed. Membership of the Fake News Media is well merited.

Climate change scientists are STUNNED that the Great British Heatwave has coincided with a shortage of carbon dioxide. This fact goes against the theory that carbon dioxide causes global warming.

“Greenhouse gas? What greenhouse gas?” hisses climate change denier Kula Wether. “Carbon dioxide has been blamed for global warming, but the recent shortage has proved the opposite!”

Wether warmed to his theme, claiming that carbon dioxide was in fact an agent for global cooling.

“You put fires out with carbon dioxide!” he said breezily. “All these blazing flames, one shot of CO2 and it’s out. CO2 is a cooling gas. Why do you think the northern moors are burning? It’s nature trying to cool down the earth by pumping CO2 into the atmosphere. It’s obvious when you think about it.”

Wether brooked no opposition. “If you can’t stand the heat, get off the moors!” he said airily.

LCD Views is a balanced and reasonable publication, so we sought an alternative explanation.

“Mr Wether is mixing up cause and effect, and conflating two unconnected events!” grumbled Prof Chuka Spannerintheworks. “All the evidence points to CO2 trapping heat. His lack of scientific knowledge is at dangerous levels. A bit like the amount of CO2 in the upper atmosphere.”

“Rubbish!” Wether splutters, inflating visibly. “We are getting proper British summers and winters again. What does the Prof know? He’s only an expert, after all, sitting in his ivory tower with the air con turned up to eleven.”

Meanwhile, an intrepid plan has been unveiled. Heroic British engineers are building a pipe up into the troposphere, to tap into the supply of atmospheric CO2. It will then be pumped into fizzy drinks to compensate for the slowdown in production. The process has already been dubbed “Free – Oh – Two”.

To be honest, the arguments are just a lot of hot air.

The UN has placed both Brexit and Donald Trump on the endangered species list. Both are critically endangered. There are very few Trumps left in the wild, and nobody is quite sure whether the Brexit actually exists.

The completely unbiased and reasonable BBC has responded with alarm. It has commissioned an expensive, expansive documentary series, Red, White and Blue Planet, devoted to the adoration of these ephemeral beasts.

Predictably, the Voice Of Wildlife, Sir David Attenborough, has been persuaded to narrate the series. His persuasion allegedly amounts to several million Euros.

“A more sentimental soul would have insisted on being paid in Pounds Sterling,” remarked Attenborough’s agent, Millie Onsquids. “But Sir David wanted to be sure his fee would not lose its value. And he maybe a bit cranky about something too.”

Onsquids allowed LCD Views to listen to some of Sir David’s commentary.

These will be edited into the finished visuals, once film crews have finished recording evocative scenes of the Concrete Jungles of Northern England.

“The Brexit is an elusive, intangible species,” intones Attenborough in reverent tones. “It feeds on ignorance and racism. It excretes bullshit and inane slogans. Some believe it to be a near relation of the unicorn, others that it is a chimera. Brexits like a well-defined territory, but cannot decide whether it prefers hard, soft or frictionless borders. Nobody has ever succeeded in pinning a Brexit down.”

For the Trump segment, tumbleweed-strewn shots of the Great American Political Desert are being prepared.

“The Trump is believed to be a rare genetic mutation of a great ape,” whispers Attenborough.

“Although it resembles a human in form, it appears to have the skin and hair of an orang-utan. Its hands are small compared to body size. A Trump given a mobile telephone has proved remarkably adept at using Twitter. It prefers to tweet during its frequent periods of defecation. As such, it is an unusual example of a creature which excretes from both ends simultaneously. Its mating rituals are crude and involve grabbing the genitalia of females. Surprisingly, the Trump has succeeded in breeding.”

Red, White and Blue Planet is expected to air the moment Theresa May loses her majority in Parliament. Make Attenborough Great Again.

Ever since Vladimir Putin’s recent election victory, he hasn’t exactly been hiding from the headlines. Now he has a new announcement. He has unveiled a new Russian national anthem, which has a curiously familiar tune.

The song is called “U.S.S.R.” and the first officially sanctioned recording has been made by a band called the Gulag People. The lyrics in the verses spend a lot of time glorifying the Russian leader with rather exaggerated claims:

“Putin – he’s as strong as an ox, you know,
Putin – he’s as smart as a fox, you know,
Putin – he can stop all the clocks
With a single little finger

“Putin – he can wrestle a bear, and win,
Putin – he can race with a hare, and win,
Putin – can escape any snare
Without injury or mishap!”

While the chorus basically bigs up the whole country – or even more besides:

“Pledge your allegiance to the USSR
Pledge your allegiance to the USSR
Pledge yourself to destroying the West
Because we all know that Russia’s the best!”

The official writing credit lists the lyrics as by “Vladimir – no, not Vladimir, definitely not Vladimir, Piotr, that’s it, Piotr Pu- no, Piotr Pistov”.

Mr Putin himself had the following to say on the subject.

“Russia needs a new anthem. Now Russia has a new anthem. New anthem perfect for Russia and indeed world. Simples!”

One fellow journalist asked whether the reference to the USSR was a sign of things to come. Putin just smiled and said, “Wait and see.”

Another asked if the original writers were getting any credit or royalties for this reinvention. He was escorted kicking and screaming to somewhere. I heard one long scream from him behind closed doors and then all went quiet.

First Skripal, now this. I didn’t like to ask what had happened to him, I wanted to get out with everything intact.

It does seem to be becoming the in-thing for leaders to redo their countries’ national anthems. I still haven’t got over Donald Trump redoing America’s national anthem as “Donald, Donald, Über Alles”.

The nationalism unleashed by Brexit has claimed pop music as its latest victim. Musical purists are demanding that only music originating in Great Britain be played.

Some argue that popular music derives from British folksong, as adapted and developed by people who have come into contact with Brits. The result was the finger being taken out of the ear, ingredients from around the globe being added, and the whole multiplied by technology. This cultural appropriation is totally unacceptable to musical Brexiters.

To accompany this tuneful eugenics, the new “moBo Awards” have been created. The host of the first moBo (“Music Of BRITISH Origin”) Awards is to be Boris Johnson. Boris has not lost his knack of talking utter bollocks, but his musical credentials are slim indeed. moBo BoJo lost his mojo.

The news means that leave leaning beardy men in folk clubs are getting excited.

Folk singer Al Aroundmyhat was upbeat about the news. “At last my brand of music will have a ‘pop’ at the charts!” he chanted. “British folk songs have a universal theme. Crap bosses, farming and being no good in the sack. Dying at sea. Getting lost at sea. Being transported to a desert prison by ship. Being buggered, getting drunk and getting whipped at sea. These are things that everybody can relate to.”

Piano player Ebony Andivory was feeling crotchety. “I now have to refer to my instrument, the Pianoforte, as a Softloud,” she moaned. “And I’m only allowed to play sentimental melodies in modal keys while some old chap warbles wistful nonsense and spills his beer on the keys.”

Other genres have not been forgotten. Classical music, a largely European phenomenon, will correspondingly be largely banned. Only music by the ultra-English Edward Elgar and Georg Friedrich Handel will be permissible. Handel was, of course, as British as the Royal Family itself.

It only remains to be truly British and crack jokes about the whole sorry affair. So to finish on a suitably low note, here is a false climax:

What does diminuendo mean? It’s a limp knob gag that keeps getting softer.

Russians are the latest media obsession. Russians this, Russians that. Everything is about Russians. It’s as if the Cold War never ended!

Much effort has been expended over the past few decades to bring nations together. The Cold War came to an end, the Berlin Wall came down. The Good Friday Agreement brought peace in Ireland. Countries set aside differences in the name of peace.

The mood has changed. Irresponsible, greedy world leaders have bred dissatisfaction in their people. Fingers have been pointed. At immigrants. At Mexicans. At Muslims. At foreigners generally. At the EU. At Russians.

Why should the media report the horrible truth? Isn’t it easier, and much more fun, to whinge about nasty foreigners? The fabric of international society is unravelling, and the media are pulling the strings.

Brexit has turned the UK against its friends and allies in the EU. The economy is suffering as a consequence, so obviously attention must be diverted. The old Cold War bogeymen, the Russians, are as convenient scapegoat as any.

Scandals such as the removal of free school meals from the country’s most vulnerable children have become commonplace. Instead of highlighting this, the complacent, compliant media have instead been shouting obsessively about a poisoned Russian.

Nobody is saying that this isn’t newsworthy. But shouldn’t it be more important that there are children being deprived of their only decent meal of the day on economic grounds?

Meanwhile, privileged people enjoy subsidised food or get it free on expenses. Tickets for the privatised gravy train are beyond the means of most of us.

There can only be one explanation. Those behind the government and the press stand to benefit from the situation. This coalition of chaos will mop up the depleted assets of UK plc on the cheap after Brexit.

An even smaller percentage will own an even higher proportion of the country. Brexit is for the few, not the many.

It is the Will of the few People who stand to gain from it. Get your burgundy passports out and leave for good before we Leave for good. But just remember, if you start to read an article about the car crash of British politics currently, thanks to the leaders of both main parties serving the lies of Brexit, point the finger at the Russians! Russians! Russians!

Actually, one Russian is probably involved…but nobody much in the MSM press or our parliament seems to care too about that…might be another thing that calls into question the “will of the people”…