Category: Inappropriate language

2019 NO SHIT SHERLOCK AWARDS FINALIST : Britain’s greatest surviving Prime Minister, David “Hoodie” Cameron has broken his vow of silence today to treat the country to two key revelations.

“Well I was in my shed,” the man famous for understanding of detail and strategic vision said, “and I was wondering if I should do some revelations? Would it destabilise my shed to offer it an IN/OUT of the garden referendum? Probably not. And that led me to thinking about the Pope and another enduring question that appears to repeatedly puzzle the nation.”

The question is “Is the Pope Catholic?”

“People are always asking this question,” Mr Cameron continued, “and it can only be because no one has sufficiently answered it.”

But Mr Cameron believes he has cracked that nut.

“It’s to do with hats, a man’s religion, you just have to look at the hats,” Mr Cameron schooled the nation, “the bigger the hat the more popish someone is. So it’s blindingly obvious the Pope is Catholic. If only governing the country in the interests of the Tory party, and its various factions, was so simple! Ha!”

But it wasn’t just solving that ancient riddle that had kept Mr Cameron busy.

“I’ve also been thinking about Boris Johnson,” Mr Cameron paused meaninglessly, “he backed Brexit for his career. Not many people realise that. Most think he did it to provide additional weekly funding for the NHS. But that is wrong. I can tell you today. I’m certain.”

The revelation is sure to be welcomed and has caused a ripple to run through the nation. Also more questions, such as, why speak out now when the calamity is so intense? Why not before? Is it just because he’s trying to flog a book about a privileged man’s journey to failure, and wants some controversy? We may never know.

“I’m working on bears now,” Mr Cameron revealed breezily, “namely where they defecate. That’s another of life’s enduring questions.”

We’re certain, with Mr Cameron on the case, it’s another question that will soon be answered.

IF YOU BUILD IT HE STILL WON’T COME : FAMOUS PLANNER OF HEAVY INFRASTRUCTURE, Boris deCollapsil Johnson, has confirmed there is one project he has no intention of planning anytime soon.

Speaking directly to a captive audience of lobotomy subjects and bot factory social media accounts, the outgoing prime minister of the United Kingdom said he did want to construct something in his memory.

“But it won’t be a bridge to the truth,” he confirmed, before smirking, shrugging, ruffling his hair and pretending to do something with a tablet, “for a start I’d have to find out where I’m starting from. My guess is it is a long way from that particular destination. Raab is onto it, he’s going to work out where we are. But I wouldn’t hold your breath. The last time he looked at the compass he got brain freeze and stomped about with his hand pressed to his eye for several minutes.”

The assertion is a change for Mr Johnson though, long known as someone who is keen to pick up projects begun by other people and then claim the credit for the effort.

But just because the famous builder isn’t planning to lay the foundation stones for what would be the longest bridge ever constructed in the history of humankind, doesn’t mean that it won’t get built.

“The public inquiries into this sorry Brexit fiasco will make short work of the long distance build,” our Truth Will Out correspondent said, “the first step is to get the Brexiters out of power. After that we can start to hold them to account. The architects of this calamity will be called. Some of them may even be indicted. Some may even end up in prison. Who can say? I guess some will go into exile first. But the bridge will get built. And it will get built by the will of the people. If it doesn’t we’re all stuffed.”

And it’s certain, when the time comes, that one of the chief architects of the humiliating and shameful catastrophe engulfing the UK, will be asked to cut the ribbon.

“We may have to drag him out of whatever hole in the ground he’s hiding in at the time,” our correspondent adds, “or stop him playing dead in a ditch. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

IN OUT SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT : Labour have taken a bold step forwards and then to the side, and then back to where they started today by deciding on a new Brexit policy that can be easily misrepresented across social media and by the government.

“We’re going to campaign for a referendum with a credible leave option in a general election, get office and then renegotiate Brexit with the EU before putting it back to the people and campaigning against it,” a Labour ‘source’ said, “anything else risks us actually getting into government.”

The decision to keep on with a Brexit position that attempts to appeal to the many and pleases few is clever indeed.

“It’s based on the assumption that no one is fed to the back teeth yet with Brexit and the many want many more years of it, before even getting a deal. I’m sure it will focus group well. So far of course we’ve only focused grouped Len McClusky, but he seems happy. It’s best also to decide our policy ahead of party conference, as that’s more democratic.”

The EU also will be certain to want to renegotiate the Brexit deal they offered to Theresa May, especially if Jeremy Corbyn is doing it.

“Just because Labour’s current Brexit red lines are completely nonsensical from a negotiating standpoint, such as being in a kind of customs union but not really, and also committed to leaving the single market, doesn’t mean the EU won’t want to sit around a table for more years talking about it. Because Jeremy Corbyn will be doing it.”

But critics of the great fence sit in have suggested that a multi-step policy just leaves Labour open to being torn to shreds in a general election.

“The Brexit party will grab a lot of their leavers in a GE,” a critic of the Labour policy said, “the Greens and Liberal Democrats, Plaid, Alliance and SNP will grab their centre, left of centre and fed up pro-EU, probably could have voted for Labour, but not with this policy, just right of centre Tory swingers, so it’s very difficult to see how Labour gets enough seats to form a government? In fact this fence policy potentially opens the door to another Tory government.”

But the Labour source hit back and said,

“F off and vote Tory then. Oh wait. That’s no longer our social media policy as for some reason it’s backfired. Look, we don’t want to be in government until the government has delivered us Brexit, which we’ll magically turn into Lexit, once the masses rise up and lift us into government. It’s all incredibly clever. Just you wait and see. Cummings isn’t the only master of four dimensional chess. We can play it too.”

STUMPED SPEECH : The mystery of what the hell happened when Boris Johnson had the podium out last night has been solved by a Downing Street leak. And we’re not talking vegetables here, although that would be just as appropriate.

“Millions tuned in to BBC News last night at 6pm after Tory spokeswoman, Laura Kuenssberg, tweeted late yesterday afternoon that the prime minister would be making a surprise addition to the catalogue of British, political, orificiary oratory,” our imbedded Downing Street reporter says, “but from the moment the prime minister was late starting, people began to worry if this will be just as pointless and frustrating as former PM May’s speeches.”

And they were right to worry.

“Mr Johnson did eventually emerge. Reportedly after locking the entirety of Conservative MPs in a basement dungeon. He strode to the podium without tripping, much to his relief. Although personally I was disappointed.”

There was surprisingly little racism or xenophobia in the stump speech, which was at least different to his newspaper propaganda, but there wasn’t really any content at all.

“There’s suspicions it wasn’t the speech he intended to give,” our insider muses, “after his attempt to at first charm, then browbeat, then blackmail his MPs failed to bring enough onside. It’s a funny time when calling a GE is an actual threat? If they know privately they’ve made such a hash of looking after the country, many would lose their seats, than that’s precisely why they should call a GE.”

But for all the swagger it was essentially like listening to May attempting to make her Brexit strategy sound credible, when it was empty and self-defeating.

“At least he’s a continuity prime minister in that sense. He had nothing but to threaten to saw off his legs and send the amputated limbs express to Brussels. That’ll learn ‘em!”

The one silver lining is based on the presumption Theresa May herself was watching the bumbling, blonde charlatan at the podium, the strains of “Stop the Coup” almost drowning him out.

“Now she knows what it was like to put up with her ridiculous set pieces. So that’s something at least.”

RESISTANCE IS FERTILE : As the protests against Boris Johnson’s regime putting parliament on ice spread from the major centres to the towns of the UK, Boris Johnson’s make believe autocracy has moved to shut them down.

“We’re redefining the very definition of democracy,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “it was reportedly Michael Gove’s idea. He’s an expert at rendering language pointless and meaningless. And if you control the meanings of words you control all.”

It seems the new definition will not be as bolted down as the last?

“Yes. It will make things flexible and allow your regime, I mean the billionaire funded think tank masquerading as a government, well, it will allow us to respond to events daily.”

It will mean no one can accuse you of not defending democracy?

“Exactly. We will tell you everyday what democracy is and you’ll get to like it. That way you can stay home and be happy. And we can do whatever we like without having to phone up the BBC every five minutes to shout ‘DO NOT RUN THAT PROTEST FOOTAGE!’ You can’t defend something if you don’t know what it is, or can’t communicate the concept to others.”

But what will the new definition be? For starters?

“It will be whatever Boris Johnson said yesterday, today and tomorrow. This will give us total control as whatever Boris Johnson says is always indefensible.”

Makes about as much sense as anything else they’re up to.

FIVE FINGER MINISTERIAL SHUFFLE – While lesser publications are content to attempt to doorstep and pavement bother hypocritical MPs in real/reel life, LCD Views goes one step further and imagines their words for them in a flurry of frustration and barely repressed fury.

Little Matty Hancock seems quite a prize in the hypocrisy stakes. Just a few weeks back he was invoking the war dead as his reason for not supporting prorogation.

“But here I am!” imaginary Matt says, “a cabinet minister in a government that’s just prorogued parliament in a desperate attempt to avoid scrutiny. That’s what I call taking back control. One day we’ll have an app for that too! I wonder what the war dead would say about me now? If they hadn’t given their lives for democracy.”

Well, what did we expect from a man with cock in his surname, and we’re not talking roosters.

Amber Ruddy Rudd is another who found herself in the enviable position of ‘if you don’t like these principles (Mr Johnson) I have others.”

But she’s not even talking to our imagination, so deep now is the void. Let’s just leave her in her triple digit majority and wonder what the next GE will say.

TheSaj! Well, he’s not going to let anyone close his Parliament. He doesn’t invoke his humble parentage and the faith he holds in democracy just to watch the whole show get mothballed.

“I do actually. It’s given me control of the treasury. And I’m writing cheques my complete abandonment of previously stated principles can’t cash. That economic rationalism applied to morality.”

It’s a rubber cheque. Make no bones about it.

Morgan and Gove, those old hands, they’ve found themselves in the amazing place of also ditching a distaste for prorogation if it means a promotion.

“Well, it’s only sideways for me. But it keeps me holding one greasy lever of power and that’s enough for me. This is a perfectly normal suspension of parliament because we can’t handle what it will do if we let it sit. What would you do?”

Indeed. When it comes to defending our ancient and precious representative parliamentary democracy the only question appears to be,

Ask not what you can do for your country, but what you’d do for a ministerial car? Go full prorogue it seems, for this handful of rogues.

UNDEMOCRATIC LIE PYRES : The Grima Wormtongue of 10 Downing Street, that unelected ear whisperer Dominic Cummings, has decided on a new title, having grown bored of being called ‘a source’. It’s just not intimidating enough.

“People also too readily confuse the title and ask if he’s a red or brown sauce?” an aide to ‘the source’ told LCD Views, “homophones are very confusing in modern Britain. Just spend five minutes reading comments from pro-Brexit accounts on social media! So he’s leafed through the history books and come up with something fitting.”

The something fitting is the title of ‘Witchfinder General’, first made popular during the first English Civil War (we’re currently trying to do the second) by one Matthew Hopkins. He liked tall hats. You can expect to see Cummings wearing one soon.

“Dominic hasn’t been appointed by parliament to his role next to Boris Johnson either, just like Matthew Hopkins wasn’t appointed to the role of Witchfinder General,” the source close to ‘the source’ advised, “so it’s a nice symmetry.”

It appears to be the logical next step for the unelected, undemocratic, data crunching, social media micro-targeting, so called genius behind the lies and dissembling of the Leave campaign.

“He can really put the fear into those traitors spreading unhelpful narratives about No Deal Brexit now,” our source adds, “as we all know that remoaners float and weigh the same as a duck. So finding the witches undermining Brexit will merely be a question of applied science. Essentially anyone dealing in objective reality is going on the pyre.”

https://m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/civil-servants-unhelpful-narratives-on-brexit_uk_5d5664a1e4b0d8840ff12a87

BORIS COCKWOMBLESHANKS 1ST : Boris Johnson is to visit Scotland later today and have a wee chat with Nicole Sturgeon and Ruth Davidson, presumably not at the same time.

“He wants to personally discover how much he’s hated,” our Scottish office chief advises, “so he’s going north of the Hadrian’s Wall. Not many Tory prime ministers can say that!”

And while it’s fairly obvious that he’ll be about as welcome as a cup of cold baws, he’s not going to give two hoots.

“He’s not governing for the Scots,” our man continues, “that much is obvious. He’s still running the Brexit campaign. He’s not actually governing for anyone. Well, other than himself. Boris the first and last of his name, and all that.”

But while he is there he will at least promise to throw money about, hoping that the Scottish ruling class can be bought off with English cash, as with so many times in the past. But with the added twist of zero intention to follow through and pay.

“He’s going to offer Sturgeon lands and titles in Kent though,” so we hear anyway, “and let her build a castle with a bridge to France. He’s apparently already got planning approval. She can start whenever she wants. All she has to do is kiss the ring.”

So fat chance of that. But what about Ruth Davidson?

“He’s going to tell her to bend her knee or he’ll bend it for her,” our Scottish chief reckons, “so there’s the risk of an irony heavy bid for Scottish independence from the English conservatives by the Scottish conservatives on the way. Either that or she’ll just get in line like she has every other time.”

HOW VERY BREXIT : Arch-Brexiteer, historical curiosity and all round sinister stand up act, Jacob Rees-mogg, has moved quickly to stamp his mental boot in the very minds of the civil servants who now have to serve him. He’s done it by banning words.

Actual, traditional, English words.

Oh, and by ordering the staff to use imperial, because that’s going to show the EU who is boss, while simultaneously currying favour with the Americans, it’s presumed.

”We think in pictures but we express ourselves in words,” an imaginary Mogg told LCD Views, “and phrases of course. Resistance is futile, that’s a very nice succession of words. It is equal to ‘you will be assimilated’ in my affections.”

But some have queried whether he has the authority to do it, given it is thus planting his autocratic flag in the very minds of people who have to deal with the cavalcade of nonsense he will initiate, now he’s running government business in the House of Commons.

”Have they just? Which words did they use? We will ban those too,” Mogg smiled, “remain is clearly going on the list. Oh, and Bercow. But there’s nothing Orwellian at all about banning certain words.”

This assertion looks a little shaky, given he has also ordered staff in his department to call him Big Brother on all official communications.

But supporters of the modern Nosferatu has said there’s not a lot to worry about. Boris Johnson will clearly do all he can to avoid any business in the Commons. Maybe even trying to actually close it. So it’s nice to think double and triple checking their work to ensure compliance with Mogg’s arcane diktats will at least give his staff something to do.

”We would not want to be wasting hard earned taxpayers’ money with idle hands now, would we,” Mogg purred, “now to be sure to ensure all measures of members are in inches.”

WALKING DEAD : Outgoing prime minister of Nowhere, Theresa May, received a boost today when her almost dead premiership was declared fit for work by the Department for Work and Pensions.

”It means that she can carry on doing the job she loves even though her job is on its last legs,” a DWP spokesman said, “just because she’s dragging herself along the pavement outside No 10 doesn’t mean she can’t still work full time as prime minister.”

The assessment, which was carried out by a medieval plague doctor, as befits Ms May’s time as prime minister, is suspected as being a backup plan for when that yersini pestis of British politics, Boris de waffle Johnson, takes over next week.

”We all know Boris isn’t going to do any bloody work, fit for it or most definitely not,” the insider insided, “so this decision to keep the old girl’s political corpse at work in the wheelhouse is such good governance. Contingency planning.”

Whether or not Ms May will contest the judgement isn’t clear, but there where hints in her goodbye speech today. Although she didn’t know at the time that she wasn’t going to be allowed an unearned rest.

”It’s everyone else’s fault but mine,” she told an assembled crowd, “you’re all bastards, every last man and dog amongst you. I hate you all. If you’d all just compromised and done exactly what my neurotic control freakery demanded I would have been just fine. You’d all be living an even bigger nightmare, but I would have been fine, safely cocooned in the insane room I’ve built deep inside my mind, happily ruling over a totalitarian hell in which people are solely judged based on accident of birth.”

We’ll take from that that she’s unlikely to appeal.