Category: Inappropriate language

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : It’ll be wall to wall Johnsons on the BBC this weekend after Boris Johnson stopped being so coy and agreed to a hard hitting interview, just not with Andrew Neil.

“Complete sausage festival,” an overexcited BBC editor told LCD Views, “as the old cock takes on the ageing cock and there won’t be a dry eye, or seat, in the house. It’ll be totally hardcore.”

But in spite of the promise of an interview with impact, rumours suggest there will be some topics not on the table.

“Clearly no one will discuss the issue of parenting or how to raise children. Stanley sausage will be staring at the evidence of how well he did and Boris sausage doesn’t even know how many kids he’s fathered, or where his kids are. And if he can keep dodging those court summons he never will! Allegedly. And neither will Wikipedia.”

But what questions will be on the charge sheet, your honour?

“There’s dozens. So many questions. You’ve never seen so many questions asked, and answered, in a Johnson v Johnson, head to head before. And what’s best, they’ll be multiple choice.”

What’s the first question?

“What do the great British people want done with Brexit? Four possible answers. All are done. Boris can not fail to avoid the wrong answer.”

And the second question?

“What will happen with Brexit if Boris is re-elected PM? You can guess the answer, even though it’s multiple choice! It goes on like this for an hour.”

And we hear there’s a very special ending planned?

“Yes indeed. C4 isn’t the only TV company who knows how to get a hold of an ice sculpture. Behind both great men of the British dystopia will be an ice sculpture of a polar bear.”

Will it melt through the programme?

“I hope not too much. To end the show, and to show the viewing public there’s no hard feelings between the two blonde cocks, they will stand united, unzipped and micturate all over the bear until it’s just a yellow mess on the floor.”

Which is exactly how the entire UK will look if the great British public are daft enough to give the Johnsons another five years.

I STAND BEFORE YOU JUST A MAN : OUTGOING PM BORIS ‘EVERYMAN’ JOHNSON has re-energised a flagging general election campaign today by showing the UK his sensitive side.

“He’s tweeted a Haiku,” a Downing Street source says, “Corbyn maybe able to make jam. Swinson maybe able to make waves in all directions. Sturgeon maybe planning to build a wall, but Boris is the only candidate who is prepared to reveal what keeps him up at night. And he’s done it in three lines. He’s done it by making a word salad.”

The Haiku itself is not the invention of Mr Johnson, in spite of factcheckUK claiming that the celebrity journalist, turned poundstore Trump politician, invented the form in Uxbridge in the 17th century.

“It will make everyone stop and take note,” the source continues, “you can expect a rave review from an excited Laura K. But it’s not a dead cat, even though everyone will be talking about it all day. It’s just Boris being Boris.”

And it’s no surprise the noted Oxford scholar has turned his hand to poetry and constructed the 5-7-5 poem. He’s previously been known for writing on the side of a bus and even building buses as an arts and crafts project in his spare time.

“This will be certain to widen the gulf between himself and the others. Once everyone sees that the serial adultery, the serial lying, the serial prolificacy, the inability to put a number on how many children he’s fathered, the alleged cash for favours with foreign actors and the overspend on technology lessons were all just hiding a sensitive soul, rather deep inside.”

It will be interesting to see if the other contenders for the UK’s crown now come up with their own verse.

Boris Johnson’s Haiku No 1.

Dying in a ditch
Bus passes painted riders
Jon Snow winter comes

SEEING IS BELIEVING : THE CON-SERVATIVE PARTY is out front in the facts racket today after head of campaign strategy, The Russian Government, took the decision to rebrand overnight.

“This builds on the success we enjoyed on Twitter last night during the so called leader’s debate,” James ‘king’s fool’ Cleverly told LCD Views, “changing the official Conservative Party press twitter account to appear like an organisation that actually gives two hoots about truth was a masterstroke. We must have fooled one, maybe two voters, before we were rumbled. So let’s go the whole hog!”

Whether or not the Electoral Commission will allow candidates standing in next month’s GE to run under the party name of ‘Wikipedia’ is not yet clear though.

“I wouldn’t worry about the old toothless tiger,” a source in 10 Downing Street said, “we’re going to need to replace most of the ballot papers, after the polling stations close, with more accurate ballot papers anyway. So we can make the change then.”

And to ensure the success of the adoption of a brand with a better reputation for accuracy, the Wikipedia party will be taking out paid adverts.

“Type in Wikipedia in your browser and the search engines will offer you a range of website addresses that at first glance appear to be the actual Wikipedia page. But you’ll just be coming home to us. Which will be nice. Then we can give you facts we’ve created just for you, based on mining your data. These can be updated based on your reactions. It’s about democracy. Try it now, search for Boris Johnson!”

We have.

Boris Johnson : More Churchill than Churchill. A father to the UK who only ever speaks the truth – Wikipedia.

Get Nursery Rhymes Done : OUTGOING prime minister Boris Johnson has pledged to restore his reputation as a father today by taking steps to memorise popular nursery rhymes. And he’s prepared to put your money behind the pledge.

Speaking at a controlled explosion in Cheshire, the Tory hopeful spoke of the urgent need to extend early learning through adulthood.

“For too long the absent fathers of this great nation have been held back by a failure to know the lyrics to popular nursery rhymes,” The serial shagger asserted, waved his arms about distractedly, checked his phone to see if any hot totty had messaged him, and then went on,

“Humpty Dumpty! Little Red Riding Hood! The Teddy Bears Picnic! American Psycho! Why Nations Fail by Daron Acemoglu & James A. Robinson especially, the words of these great works, they should be learned by heart. They need to be understood. Or one risks coming over a right prat at prearranged visits to nurseries. Not nurseries where your own children attend, clearly not that.”

He went on to pledge additional spending to his end. Much more than he is alleged to have spent to get his end away with a certain technology consultant.

“I myself, when confronted by a blonde sprog who looks vaguely familiar have reached for the classics!” Mr Johnson enthused, “Theseus and the Wool Shop! Persephone and the unwanted child! I will now learn ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ by heart. Britain deserves better! My next government will spend £100m on a bus based campaign to ensure no child is left gazing up at the face of the man who won’t acknowledge him, or her, and find that classic sperm donor wanting for a popular rhyme.”

As to any actual plans for governance, or addressing the deep crisis ten years of government based on milking the state dry has caused, he offered little but more empty phrases.

“Seize the tits of Britannia and ferry the milk, every drop, away from the open mouth of the hungry infants. Store it all in the fridges of the tax havens. Milk the motherland dry! How did I get in here? Who are you? Was this one of Dom’s ideas?”

He left soon after, reportedly pursued by a blonde haired infant, arms raised, and a questioning look on their face.

Five or six children deserve better. Britain deserves better.

Boris got that right at least.

The lies on the bus go round and round.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR : Outgoing British-American Prime Minister Boris “Russian name” Johnsonov has announced he is on the wagon for the GE campaign.

“He’s given up drinking booze for the general election campaign, maybe even until after he’s failed to deliver Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘Sauced’ told LCD Views over a plate of fava beans and a nice chianti, “I mean, clearly he’ll still be injecting speed directly into his eyeballs. Doctors orders. One has to cope with Carrie’s demands to repaint the 10 Downing Street hallways somehow. It’s not all fun and games bedding down with an ambitious young woman in nesting mode you know. Still, needs must.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson is able to stick to his alcohol abstinence remains to be seen. Also whether or not he’s telling the truth about taking the pledge to begin with.

“Let’s not get confused though,” the Sauced went on, “he’s not doing the twelve steps. His life expectancy isn’t long enough to get passed the bothersome phase of phoning up people you’ve wronged to ask for forgiveness. No one’s is. Christ, the conversation with Arlene Foster alone would take a month. And he’ll still be intoxicated with large measures of disingenuousness. Rampantly shagging with his uncontrollable lust on full throttle. Verifiably avaricious and so on. It’ll still be Boris being Boris, wine or not.”

Presumably though if he gives up the plonk he runs a lower risk of making a complete tit of himself?

“Well, quite. Although between you and me it really doesn’t matter how much Moet or claret he’s smashed away. You still can’t tell if he’s too lazy to learn details or too thick to understand what he’s signed up to with the old WAB. Sobriety doesn’t make any difference on that score. I hardly know why he’s bothering? What’s in a bottle of wine that he could possibly be scared of?

Maybe because ‘In vino veritas’?

OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE WHEN FIRST…: It’s been revealed today that James Cleverly faces an uphill re-election struggle in Braintree.

“Initially the struggle seemed to be just how different to his surname the Conservative Party chair is proving to be, oh, and the lying, oh, and the countdown clock. But it’s got worse,” our source at pollsters NoGov revealed, “Kay Burley’s interview with the empty chair has seen James Cleverly’s empty chair instantly overtaking him in polling for preferred MP for Braintree, if it turns out a Conservative is returned on the 12th December.”

The challenge may indeed come as a shock to Mr Cleverly, but may at least distract from the total clusterfuck he, Rees-mogg and Bridgen have made of the Conservative campaign kick off.

Even if the chair scoring higher than James in a hastily conducted IQ test maybe a little disappointing.

But it’s really not all bad news for Mr Cleverly, even after he lied, it seems, about why the chair was empty, and then was caught out in the lie because of time. And the shocking reality that recorded events can happen at different times and the times be checked.

The chair is said to already have its sights set on greater achievements than replacing Cleverly in Braintree.

“The empty chair is also polling exceptionally well as preferred prime minister,” our pollster advises, “and is seeking a safe seat now for the GE. This is after the expert manner with which it handled Burley’s questions. Not one attempt at evasion. Not one lie. Just a straightforward approach. A vow of silence if you will, it worked a treat.”

It may also work for Mr Cleverly. Hint. Hint. And numerous other Tory wannabes.

IGNOBLED BY DESIGN : Nigel Farage is celebrating the renewal of his contract as (unofficial) Director for News and Current Affairs at the BBC with the announcement that he is to increase his influence and become the Director General of the whole kit and kaboddle.

Speaking to a forced press conference earlier today Mr Farage spoke of his pleasure at his new appointment.

“Now. Now. Let me speak (no one was interrupting him). Some would say this is just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage said, “but I would say it’s a reward for hard work in the service of shadowy backers and tub thumping, nation destroying nationalism, paid for by the nation. Quite the lark. Bartender, another bite of bitter! Charge it to the EP!”

The elevation of Mr Farage to Director General is believed to be part of an electoral pact with outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson. This will give Mr Johnson a clear run at the credulous vote, at least on the right wing of British politics.

And it’s even better for Mr Farage.

“I must say I was additionally touched when I told old Bojo and Short Cummings that becoming Director General of an organisation I already control by default was not enough. If they wanted me to stand down the attack dogs of my limited company in the upcoming GE I needed to be ignobled also.”

And ignobled Mr Farage is set to be.

He is to become Lord Haw-Haw of Faschism before taking up his expanded duties.

There are of course critics of the move. Some hoped with the retirement of Daily Mail audiobook, John Humphrys, that the BBC may become more impartial again. But those critics won’t stand a chance of appearing in the BBCQT audience, so we can pretend they don’t exist.

“Some would say my ignobling as Lord Haw-Haw is also just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage added. “And it would be hard to disagree with that. Bartender! Drinks for the house. They’re on the BBC!”

MONEY RAISED EXPECTED TO GO TO DUBLIN INVESTMENT FUND : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LYING (down) STATESMAN, Jacob Rees-mogg esq, has announced he will begin a feat of endurance lying (down).

“It’s to raise the standing of parliament,” The Victorian parlour game told a largely empty Conservative Party conference, “recently some scoundrels have brought the public perception of the mother of parliaments low by lying to the Queen to unlawfully prorogue our sacred parliament, making unfulfillable promises to the electorate, damaging our economy to the perceived benefit of offshore wealth funds, reducing our international standing to that of a joke nation, threatening the very integrity of our union and suggesting the actual government may not follow the law of the land. Something has to be done to correct this. Non possum accipere omnia credit. And don’t get me started on Bercow. No really, it would be unwise. I would just start lying.”

And he can’t take all the credit for the long list of accomplishments. But he can do something about it.

“I’m going to continue lying,” he told the decomposing corpse of the Conservative Party at conference, “and not just here at this wake for a once powerful British political party. I will lie in parliament, again, as I did so successfully during a recent debate. I’ve been in training for this moment all of my life. Carpe supellectilem!“

And when will the endurance lying begin?

“Oh, I have already begun, a considerable time ago. Well before I cooked up a plan to denigrate the civil service under the cover of parliamentary privilege. But now I’m combining what I do effortlessly with actually lying down too. On the green government benches. In parliament. The British man and woman will be encouraged to see such vigour on display.”

And how long will you continue to lie?

“Sicut aer in pulmone exspirare, et ego, dum moventur labia illius.“

Let‘s hope the lying (down) is successful and the Dublin investment fund feels the benefit.

NAME ONE THING DAVID CAMERON DIDN’T BREAK : The BBC is on the front foot today after accusations over its handling of language. Or more specifically, how it directs its public faces to talk.

The denial of top down censorship of news staff comes at a welcome time, as the publicly funded broadcaster is under fire for sanctioning one of its presenters for suggesting someone who says racist things is a racist.

“It’s well known white, British neo-colonialists are the experts on racism,” a BBC source told LCD Views, “people who aren’t white don’t need to worry themselves about it. The racism is well in hand. And its well known that since David Cameron’s administration jammed the BBC hierarchy with right thinking Tory place people that the public are more correctly informed.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/metro.co.uk/2019/09/27/all-the-journalists-who-support-bbc-broadcaster-naga-munchetty-following-row-over-donald-trump-racism-comments-10817134/amp/

The reassurance comes at a crucial time, especially as the focus of so much snowflake handwringing, Donald Trump, appears to have finally gone too far.

“There is no suggestion that we will cover Donald Trump’s standard performance review in anything other than a robust way,” the source confirmed, “just like we will cover the focus of his standard performance review, that being an alleged attempt to conduct a perfectly normal diplomatic discussion with Ukraine, in any way that isn’t completely impartial.”

The source also has some words for anyone who might wish to register complaints over the editorial line the BBC news outlets now take on such trivial matters as Brexit.

“That’s where people are going wrong,” the source admonished, “it’s not news nowadays but ‘news’, and that’s an important difference.

IT’S LEXIT OR THE NHS : Labour’s ruling NEC have sent a powerful and blunt message to the shambolic, divided, toxic, incompetent, corrupted, lawbreaking, country demolishing Conservative Party of minority government today.

“Hold my beer,” a Labour NEC ‘source’ told LCD Views, “Tories think they know how to wage a civil war at great cost to themselves and the country? Well, they haven’t seen a clique of aged, unreformed, wannabe communist revolutionaries infighting.”

Quite.

“And the message will have been received,” our WTF are you doing? correspondent comments, “as multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, who has somehow managed to convince a reducing number of supporters that a guy who’s been in parliament for nearly 40 years and done sod all, except try and get an IN/OUT EUref in 2011 with the help of Tory MPs, is going to smash the system and heal their wounds, spends the long hours of last night wondering if attempts to demolish deputy leader Tom Watson will help further democratise the Labour Party?”

And the timing of Momentum founder, Lansman’s, move against thought criminal Watson couldn’t be better.

“The eve of party conference? I mean, that’s some genius. Attempting to abolish the deputy leader by decree, when nearly 200,000 members voted for him, that’s genius that Cummings would be proud of. Especially as it comes days after the demolition of the student wing. Bloody Blairites. We’re onto them.”

Of course Boris Johnson will be pleased. As focus shifts to Labour he can record another dozen campaign videos without worrying what people think about his poisonous, duplicitous incompetence for a few days.

“It is actually a move for the many, not the few,” our correspondent adds, “right now defections to the Liberal Democrat’s from the old parties are even. But if Labour’s ruling clique can manage to drive away more MPs with cross party appeal, over to the Libdems, then balance can be guaranteed. And what’s best, Jeremy never has to actually shoulder the responsibility of government, but can just keep making noise from the security of irrelevance, which is exactly how he likes it.”