Category: Inappropriate language

DEAD CAT SOCIETY MEETS DAILY : DOWNING STREET is coming under fire from social media users today after updating the slogan used to convince the British public that excess mortality is “orright!”.

Shortly after daybreak today the whizz kid, social media genius gurus working out of the Satanic Mill at 10 Downing Street let fire across the interweb with the updated word salad.

“It’s more of a tapas, than a salad,” a Downing Street aide corrected, and was swiftly fired for using a foreign word.

“We can’t have foreign words sullying the purity of English,” a swiftly deputised, replacement aide advised, “not when clarity of communication is our byword.”

But they can deputise as many anonymous aides as they like, the fact remains the new slogan is a grammatical car crash.

“We got the ‘its’ correct,” the deputy aide shrugged, “the speed with which we write this shite, think you’re self lucky that’s the only error is your, or you’re only error is, to be consistent. Is this clear?”

It’s not clear, but then that is probably the point.

“We’ve actually had a call from our mentors in the Kremlin,” the aide confessed, “they’ve advised us to dial the disinformation back a bit. Apparently we need someone left alive after Coronavirus to handle sensitive financial contractions. I didn’t even know finances went into labour! You learn something knew every day.”

But one thing is certain, at least now, as the great working masses shuffle onto trains, and some of them shuffle off the mortal coil as a result, at least they will know who to blame.

Covid-19. Remember, it’s not the government’s fault, it’s orll you’re fault. You know this because they told you so with slogans.

WATCH YOUR TONE : OVER QUALIFIED HEALTH SECRETARY AND ALL ROUND CAREER POLITICIAN, MATT HANCOCK, AGED 6, was on the receiving end of some pretty bloody savage and unladylike behaviour today in parliament.

From witness accounts newly promoted Labour Shadow Cabinet Minister for Mental Health, Tooting MP, Doctor Rosena Allin-Khan took to Matt ‘tone deaf’ Hancock like “a mad woman that has been allowed to stay up too late, partake of too many enlivening spirits (and other elixirs) and plainly wear too much red clothing”.

The encounter occurred during a socially distanced parliament session when the medical doctor, with extensive experience in the field, dared to ask factual questions of Matt Hancock regarding the Covid-19 furore.

“Who does she think she is?” an aide (working as Matt’s nanny) who changes Matt ‘https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/nhs-privatisation-donations-matt-hancock-health-secretary-institute-economic-affairs-a8442001.html‘ Hancock’s nappies demanded to know.

“She comes into the men’s bar and shouts for hard liquor? It is just not on. She will be wearing trousers next. Just because a woman has the capacity for 100K words a day, it does not give them an excuse to use them. They aren’t Cororavirus tests.”

Senior Conservatives have been quick to rally to Matt’s defence, pointing out that it was “bloody obvious things would degenerate to this degree once women were taught to read”.

It is believed the committee overseeing MPs conduct is to investigate the shameful public behaviour of the Tooting doctor.

https://t.co/iG3ijbdyUB https://t.co/8GStSF09IJ

— LCD Views (@LcdViews) May 5, 2020

“It’s a clear breach of parliamentary standards. Not only the attempt to hold the government to account over its factual record, something we became unused to during the Che Corbyn years, but a woman addressing a man with such a disrespectful tone? Why, the very pillars of civilisation are at stake. It does not matter how high the unnecessary Covid-19 death toll in the UK is. If women forget their place we are all doomed. Is no one thinking of the children?”

The government is additionally urged to strengthen social distancing rules for women. David Cameron is to be consulted, having extensive experience in the field with wild women.

“Calm down dear,” the aide continued, “Britain’s second best Prime Minister knew how to handle an excited female. They are too emotional for the bear pit of politics. Too blind to reason.”

Boris Johnson is thought to be resisting calls to demand Keir Starmer sack the Tooting MP and “send her packing back to the Covid-19 front line”, as that would mean he would have to directly address Keir Starmer. A move he is determined to delay for as long as possible.

Mr Hancock himself is said to be “attempting to forget the embarrassing display” and spending time remembering his invocation of the WW2 dead to support his bid to be Tory leader.

“Dominic Raab has offered to deputise for little Matty next time,” the aide adds, “that won’t be necessary. We will be strengthening the social distancing rules for women to ‘seen and not heard’. Which was of course the inalienable right of British men before the weaker sex was given the vote.”

Key workers in Westminster were put under extreme pressure yesterday. This is because the self styled lizard king, Michael Gove, emerged from hibernation and opened his mouth.

“Good morning,” said Gove, and immediately there was a whiff of singed polycotton. Seasoned Gove observers reached immediately for their phones to ring 999.

“The government is doing everything it can during this crisis,” he continued, as a small flicker of flame was noticed by some of the assembled journalists.

“We are ramping up the number of covid-19 tests,” Gove announced, and now the flames were clearly visible to everyone present.

“Unfortunately there is a shortage of available chemical reagents,” he continued. Everyone retreated from the conflagration, as the fire brigade screeched to a halt.

“We tried to obtain a supply, but accidentally deleted the relevant email,” he concluded, while volunteer firemen in homemade firefighting gear hurried to unroll their hoses.

Gove stood there, bewildered, as the fire fighters trained their equipment on his rear end. He blinked incomprehendingly as the flames were doused. “Well, that was a lot of fuss about nothing,” he remarked, as his sodden pants spontaneously burst into flame again.

The firemen stopped mending their protective clothing with sellotape for a moment to give his bum another blast of cold water.

Gove gave a little shake, like a damp dog, and settled himself again. “Wow, I’m on fire today!” he quipped. The fire brigade looked on anxiously, but Gove just continued to drip.

“I am proud to announce that a large consignment of British ventilators will be delivered this week!” he dribbled. With an explosion the flames burst forth again. The firemen, resigned to their fate, anchored the hoses in position and sat a safe distance away.

“There will be over 8,000 new machines, including the 8,000 we already have!” he crowed.

The fire had gained the upper hand. Everybody retreated and ran for cover as Gove happily continued the briefing.

Michael Gove is rumoured to own several hundred pairs of asbestos underpants.

THE SEER OF DOWNING STREET : LCD Views can swallow back our bile and distaste at the cackhandled handling of the Covid-19 crisis by Downing Street, stop wondering for a moment how this incompetent shower is still the government, and report the latest change in strategy.

“Clearly the screeching policy u turns will grow louder throughout this week,” a Downing Street spokesman, Mr De’ath, told LCD Views, “as actual science followed by the actual world gets a surprising foothold on policy.”

So far so good.

“And today, in spite of a continuing reluctance to close schools and order mass gathering venues closed (nod’s as good as a wink to the insurance industry?), we your government, and your shite Churchill impersonation act, are advising you NOT to catch Covid-19.”

The new advice is a reversal of last week’s advice which was to catch it, if you can.

“Clearly we’re very sorry for any confusion caused by the media reporting what we’ve previously said, as if we previously said it.”

But how do they explain the gobsmacking errors in modelling used to produce the previous, potentially fatal for many, advice?

“It’s perfectly understandable,” Mr De’ath explained, “Mr Johnson can only understand models that are blonde and wrapped around pole dancing poles. Actual math ones? Modelling like, um, progress of a pandemic that anyone with a basic grasp of math and social behaviour worked out weeks before us, looking at countries first in the firing line and their approaches, and the likely spread and extreme fatality rate with a do little approach that is the clear outcome of the model? And the obvious unpreparedness of the NHS and social sector to cope after a decade of private profiteering and austerity? Adding in Brexit driving away masses of EU medics? Yeah. He doesn’t stand a chance.”

TEST PATTERN TEST PATTERN TEST PATTERN : THE PRODUCTION COMPANY BEHIND the UK’s most loved flagship programme, BBCQT, has announced the successful test of a new points based selection system for audience members.

And what a week to launch it too! Eugenics is back in vogue. Anti-immigration sentiment on the rise…can an immigrant get points that an indigenous Brit wouldn’t? Who knows! Let’s find out. Let’s have BBCQT help out.

“The points based system is to ensure better audience participation,” Mr Propa Ganda (who designed the quiz for BBCQT) said, “you know there’s only so many plants you can bed in each and every week. We thought, let’s widen out the selection and let the public get involved.”

In order to get involved interested members of the electorate now apply via a simple, web based quiz and are awarded points based on their answers.

Questions such as,

Q1. What have we taken back control of?

A) A flower pot B) Boarders C) Grammer D) Control

Q2. Where has parliamentary sovereignty gone?

A) Into a blazing inferno of right wing populism where it’s sizzling, charring and cracking and may possibly continue to incinerate until it’s just atoms and dust, if the country doesn’t change course B) Dom’s hands C) Up a pole wrapped in Union Jack D) No idea. No one’s looking for it yet.

Q3. Do you have genuine concerns over immigration?

A) Yes B) YeS C) YES!!!!! B) I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ON TRAIN JOURNEYS

In order to qualify for entry to the audience members of the public must cross the threshold.

“Then they get a special audience visa,” Mr Propa Gander confirms, rubbing his hands together, one eye vacant and the other sparkling.

And just like the assertions made by BBCQT audience members and certain panelists, the answers don’t need to be correct, they just need to feel right.

POST BREXIT REALITIES : ALL PATRIOTIC BRITS know it is a SOLEMN DUTY to keep English pure from foreign words.

Furthermore, to ensure their own vocal chords are not infected with inferior languages. These risk modifying brain activity away from the pure, simple functions required of patriotic, ethno-nationalists eagerly waiting to find out if they’ll be forcibly sterilised to ensure the success of the fatherland.

This much is a given.

But what they may not know is how far their glorious elected representatives, under advice from unaccountable, unelected, highly paid special advisors will go to keep them safe.

Quarantine on cruise ships. That’s how far. Anchored in The Wash.

This will be necessary to help make a success of Brexit, whether or not we still call it Brexit.

“We will need to ensure that, following the deterioration (by design) of negotiations with the EU this year that all returning Brits are screened for bilingualism,” a Home Office Darth Vader said, “bilingualism is a serious disorder that risks lowering a patriot’s defence against not only sneaky foreign subversives who may try and make friends with them, but worse still, breed.”

Such errors risk contagion of the precious, God given English language. We must defend it.

“If you see, or hear of, a friend or family member returning from the Continent, speak a foreign word you must report them,” Darth added, “children are especially vulnerable to bilingualism. If we don’t defend English we risk it being infected by forrin words from such languages as German, Latin, French, Italian, Viking, Indian and worse still, Welsh or Cornish.”

You can all assist by following a simple step.

“If you’re English and you hear a forrin word, forget it and make Britain grate again!”

GAMMONOPOLIS : We’ve all heard those patriotic types in vox pops, and on the television, asserting “We didn’t fight two world wars just so”, well now the Institute for Studying Other People’s Efforts has announced the conclusion of a study into the veracity of the claims.

“We looked really hard,” Professor Theeyve Amneesia told LCD Views, “and we decided that redness of face and the ability to both raise and point an index finger are key indicators of someone’s likelihood to assert the statement under focus.”

Birth dates were also looked at, but not as an exclusive indicator.

“You do get younger gammon too, gammonettes, similar to tadpoles, with the exception they won’t turn into something more impressive, they’ll just get bigger and bigger heads as they age. Oh, and change colour to red. Deep. Deep red.”

All well and good, but what of the claim?

“Well they’re right,” the Professor shrugs, “almost exclusively the people saying ‘We didn’t fight two world wars, just so we could agree mutually beneficial trading standards as part of a supranational organisation’ are correct.”

But how? It seems a very dubious claim.

“Well they didn’t fight in two world wars. Hardly anyone alive did. And of those that did none have yet revealed themselves as gammon. And you can be bloody sure the right wing press has been looking hard to find one.”

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF AMNESIA : PRESIDENT OF ENGLAND FOR LIFE, BORIS DE ETHICAL BINFIRE JOHNSONOV, has reached out the hand of friendship to his erstwhile political enemies today.

“At first he was just going to tweet in caps ‘PUT THE F*CKING LOTION ON YOUR SKIN OR ELSE YOU’LL GET THE HOSE AGAIN!!,*!1’,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “then we realised not enough people appear to be aware of that ‘Silence of the Lambs’ reference anymore, so he changed to a more direct approach.”

And the more direct approach does have the advantage of helping Mr Johnsonov’s political enemies know how to go about making up and putting the kettle on.

“It’s really very easy,” the source continued, “you start by completely ignoring the psychological trauma being experienced by millions of EU27 citizens who moved to the UK legally, laughably thinking we were their friends and would protect their rights whatever happens. Just forget about it. Just be like Boris. Well, until you need to whip up a bit of toxic ethno-nationalism for political points scoring. Then forget again.”

What about the British citizens who have moved across the Channel to the EU27?

“Who?”

Ah, I see. What else?

“You never, ever mention the proven criminality that corrupted the 2016 referendum again. Be like the Labour leadership. Not a peep. It doesn’t matter. Don’t expect laws to be updated to safeguard elections and referendums in the 21st Century while the politicians potentially politically profiting off the lawbreaking are in government. And just DON’T MENTION IT for obvious political capital if you’re the leader of the official opposition. Hush now. Shhh,

“By not taking a position on the most important political crisis of the age you’re winning the argument. You’re so clever. If the government is doing well treating the electorate like fools, you just have to do that better!”

I can’t even remember what you just said.

“You’re getting the hang of it.”

What next?

“Forget the way Mr Johnson has lied, deceived, disregarded trust based arrangements in our politics and governance, promised things he can never deliver purely for short term political advantage, and the fact he’s about to burn the country to the ground when his delusions hit the wall of reality.”

I’ll never give it another moment’s thought. Let’s get behind Brexit.

“Oh yeah. Stop calling it Brexit too. It’s called the bold leap forward. And ditch the label Remainer/s.”

Why?

“You need to stop using it because otherwise Mr Johnson and chums can’t pretend you never existed to begin with. Remember, when it all goes rapidly tits up, you’re all to blame for not making a success of it.”

What about Nazanin Zaghari-Radcliffe, the Acuri investigations, the report into Russian interference in UK elections, the waste of the abandoned Garden Bridge, the conspiracy to have a journalist beaten up, all the racist language, the times he’s been fired for lying, the obvious disdain for the hard work of actual governance, the decade of Tory rule and its blatantly avoidable miseries for the profit of a tiny percent and the fact the serial adulterer won’t even admit how many children he has?

“You really are going to have to try harder. There’s so much to forget to make a success of Br”

Careful!

“It can happen to the best of us. Now, hurry up and throw your moral compass in this skip, hit yourself in the head with this plank of 4×2 and let’s be friends. If we all close our eyes, put our fingers in our ears and don’t open our mouths ever again we can all help make a success of Boris Johnson’s government.”

THE GRATE INSCAPE : Teaching the German language after Brexit will be much simpler after the Department for Education announced a dramatic reduction in the vocabulary.

Schnell, Verbotten, Schnapps and Guten Morgen are all patriotic British school children will need to memorise in order to get an A star grade.

They won’t even need to know what the words mean, just be able to pronounce them in a cinematic accent.

But critics of the much needed reform have hit out at some glaring omissions to the curriculum.

WW2 movie fanatic, Mr Bloom, spotted the holes in the new lesson plans.

“How are patriotic British students supposed to know what close a run thing WW2 was without knowing what achtung and wurst mean?” he demanded to know, “imagine seeing an extra playing a SS soldier in any of the classics shouting out sausage and a child of Brexlandia not knowing that food was in the offing?”

Ja!

The change to German language lessons are a pilot too, so our source in the Department of Education informs.

“It’s a pilot but they’re in a Spitfire! Ha! Once the pass rate for German dramatically improves than French will also get the treatment.”

Just so.

“And the only vocabulary necessary will be how to signal your willingness to make love in the right accent.”

LCD Views would like to commend the reforms and declare they are long overdo.

“Once these are rolled out all citizens of Brexitlandia will be cunning linguists.”

Sounds like a key plank of happiness to us! Ja! Ja!

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : OUTGOING TORYKIP PRIME MINISTER BORIS ‘the milkman’ de Spaffle JOHNSON has issued a tough challenge to all opposition leaders this morning, as the first GE campaign of 2019 enters the final day.

“My dad could beat up your dad,” Alexander declared, shivering somewhat from hiding in a fridge, yellow on his back and blue in his face, “any time any day. Your dad is a chicken. Bruck! Bruck! Something classical allusion latin.”

The declaration will come as a shock to the other leaders. Especially as the moment he made it little Boris ran away again.

“They think they’re campaigning against a bullish man in his 50’s,” our campaign analyst commented, “but that’s where they’re wrong. They are actually running against a man child so emotionally stunted he never developed to the point of stunting in the first place. An entitled brat with a psychology to fit. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to act the bully, but to hide from risk and wait for dad. And to think our political system is current at a point where he can feasibly go on to continue as prime minister? What does that say about the contract between political parties and the electorate? Neither appear to have been taking their responsibilities seriously for a long time.”

And whether or not the other party leaders will take the bait and attempt to organise a dust up behind dads, behind the Westminster bike sheds, is not yet clear.

“It’s likely most will ignore the jibes, as they’re grown ups, and just keep on campaigning.”

But while the declaration from Little Bojo may never actually be tested, it’s very utterance, added to the stunt with the JCB yesterday, suggests that the UK would be better served giving Boris Johnson a set of Tonka trucks to play with tomorrow and then kindly tell him to piss off.