Category: Inappropriate language

INGERLAND FOR THE INGERLISH : Exciting developments happen every day in the fully independent, sovereign, free trading, international law breaking powerhouse off the coast of continental Europe and today is no different!

Later today the prime minister’s spokesperson will take to the forrin built podium in the totally necessary Downing Street briefing room to announce today’s big surprise. But we can give you the scoop in advance!

“We’ve spent £800m developing a language app that will prepare all Britons, and especially the youth, for the exciting possibilities now opening up like a chasm, thanks to Brexit.”

The app is littered with classic British symbolism.

“John Bull is the icon and a cartoon Winston Churchill will pop up now and again to invite you to celebrate colonialism, and of course, the war.”

Users of the app will be everyone in the U.K. as download and use will be compulsory by law.

“Learn such classic phrases as ‘DO. YOU. SPEAK. ENGLISH?’ and ‘TWO WORLD WARS AND ONE WORLD CUP’.”

But that’s not all, bonus exercises will have a historical theme that will leave you hysterical.

“WE GAVE YOU RAILWAYS” will be accompanied by such useful phrases as “CLASSIC BRITISH CUISINE” with photos of potatoes and turnips.

But there is one diplomatic add-on for those planning to conquer their holidays in the sun.

“POR FAVOR DOS CERVESAS PRONTO” will load you up with all you need for that Costa del Sol mini-break.

Download the app that will prepare you for Britain’s tomorrow like it was yesterday. Just look for “Monolingual” in the App Store.

“It has John Bull on the front because it’s full of it!”

Ever since Samuel Johnson first put pen to paper, dictionaries have been one of the great bastions of the English language, there to help people in all walks of linguistic life.

Obviously modern dictionaries have come a long way since Johnson’s time, innit. Language is continually evolving, and there are many words in today’s dictionaries that Dr Johnson would marvel at, and probably define with the sentence “of this word I know not the meaning” in much the same way as his famous dictionary entry on the word trolmydames, which is underlined in red as I type this and in all conscience I can’t blame the computer!

But as well as being added to, words can occasionally be taken away, and one word I used in the preceding paragraph is going to be removed before too long, namely “conscience”. Other similar words like ethics and morals are also getting the chop, it has been reported.

There are alternative courses of action currently available to lexicographers, and indeed they are considering redefining such words as “those public-spirited characteristics of virtue that separate human beings from politicians”.

The reason for this is obvious. As MPs voted to curtail human rights with the anti-protest bill, the word is clearly alien to them. The prime minister himself, who shares his surname with the first dictionary compiler, has repeatedly stared blankly when asked questions that refer to that quantity and asked for a definition.

Conscience is evidently this Johnson’s version of trolmydames, which, for those of you who are curious, was an indoor bowling game (also spelled trollmydames or troll-my-dames).

Of course, if Johnson is planning on removing from the dictionary all the words he doesn’t understand, then the compilers will be able to print the next volume on a single sheet of paper.

MEAT AND GREET: Boris Johnson is to go on a charm offensive in Europe. To curry favour, he will raid his dressing up box, and dress up as a Big Mac. A large fries will be included as French dressing.

The 10 Downing Street costume department, which is to receive an upgrade thanks to charitable Tory donors, discussed other options. One idea that held sway for a while was to dress as a German sausage, with the tagline “Do your wurst!”. In the end, it didn’t quite cut the mustard.

So the hamburger option was preferred. But not a cheeseburger, as that would have been just too cheesy.

Mayonnaise was preferred to ketchup, which was considered a bit too saucy.

A large serving of coke was also included. Rumour suggests that Michael Gove will be accompanying the Prime fillet beef Minister on this occasion.

Johnson is expected to leave his official aeroplane in full regalia. He will wave the fries in the air, carefully remove the unwanted gherkin, and announce “Ich bin ein hamburger!” That will give Johnny European food for thought.

There will be much to get their teeth into. Bread and butter talks on regulations, mitigating the worst effects of Brexit, how not to breach an international treaty etc. will take place, while Johnson amuses himself by throwing bread rolls at everyone.

Brexit is a dog’s dinner, and Johnson knows it. Trouble is, the only way he knows to operate is to act the gooseberry fool. This is no trifling matter, and the reality is likely to be begging for crumbs off the table.

His Big Mac act will butter no parsnips. Although superficially attractive, it is insubstantial and fatty, and leaves behind a nasty taste in the mouth. And that’s even after discarding the gherkin.

Johnson is toast. He really takes the biscuit.

FREE SPEECH CHAMPIGNON : Britain knows what to censor and when to censor it and no one in Britain knows better than the Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson.

And as the UK moves into the future, post Brexit, it needs to ensure that people have not just the right words to speak, but the right thoughts too. Which is why Mr Williamson is getting tough with those hotbeds of wrong thought, the universities.

“We were able to deal with the issue of freedom of speech in primary schools easily enough,” an aide to the Education Supremo told LCD Views. “The only history you’re free to speak is history that makes the UK look good. This is what freedom to speak is about, it’s the freedom to speak what you’re allowed to. It’s like any other freedom, it has limits. Like a speed limit. Young children will talk properly when they grow up now because they only learn about WW1 and WW2 and they learn it relentlessly. But universities are a trickier customer. Happily Gavin is up to the task.”

And to prove where he is at with those that would undermine the glorious future of post Brexit UK Mr Williamson is getting those scruffy hippy students by the scruff.

“He’s starting off with banning songs that undermine the underlying political philosophy of Brexit. Brexit is inherently fascist. That means fascism is now good. Just look at our pandemic management if you doubt it? See those DNR orders go on all those files. And universities are the next battleground.”

There will be a list of songs that it is okay to sing, but there is one song that is definitely out.

“Hitler Has Only Got One Ball can no longer legally be sung. Because if we’re going to replay the 1930’s thanks to Brexit, as we are determined to, you’ve got to know which side we’re now on.”

BREXIT IS BALLS : To make a success of Brexit the meaning of a lot of words has had to be changed, and the long established names of items also needs to undergo a revolution.

Captivity has become Liberty. International Pariah has become Sovereignty. Red Tape has become Massive. Fishing Industry has become Growth Opportunity.

So far, so good. But who is deciding what gets an update?

“The Committee of Gumby,” a Downing Street source informs LCD Views. “also known as the Renaming Research Group, but that’s just so it can claim expenses off the taxpayer. It’s modelled on the ERG. They billed the taxpayer to undertake their research on Europe. You can see how well spent the money was by Brexit. Genius. It’s almost like a lot of MPs are completely on the take. The pisstake that is. Don’t mistake my meaning.”

What have the Committee renamed so far?

“Brussels Sprouts. That’s not news. We all know they’re now Yorkshire Sprouts. It’s freed them of suspicious associations. Spider Crabs are now King Crabs. That’s a new one. Total genius. And we’re not forgetting all the other vegetables. Although Grant Shapps already has multiple aliases, so we’re saving money by letting him continue to rename himself.”

It seems shoppers will need to get used to different, more patriotic names when they tour the overflowing produce aisles of Brexitannia?

“Yes. And today’s renaming is one of the most apt yet,” the source advises.

“We’ve renamed onions Brexit balls, because every layer you peel back makes you cry.”

*Thanks to Not Andrea for starting it 🙂

WHAT WOULD DANNY DYER SAY? The former worst-ever Prime Minister of the UK, David Cameron, has surfaced. His weedy blathering about a manifesto promise only confirms that he remains a weapons-grade twat.

It’s a common theme. John Redwood is firing off rancid missives as though it’s still 2016. David Davis has demonstrated that he still can’t negotiate his way out of a paper bag. By expressing surprise at a Conservative government breaking its promises, Cameron merely confirms his twattiness.

Cameron had a chance. A chance to be decent. A chance to stand up for moderation and British values. Instead he allowed the lunatic fringe to dictate the narrative, and look where we are now. And instead of being strong and admitting he was wrong, or ordering a sensible and mature debate, he ran away. Bravely. To his man-shed, to “write his memoirs”. Twat.

It is a shame to be reminded of the moon-faced idle rich pig-fancying posh boy who pushed the country on its path to rack and ruin. Especially as the current incumbent is another moon-faced idle rich pig-fancying posh boy who pushes the country on its path to rack and ruin.

In between these two over-privileged, under-talented oafs, was the equally unlamented Theresa May. She tried to run the country like a prefect who lacked the charm to become Head Girl. Never good enough, she was bookended by the type of shallow chancer who gets involved in student societies right up to the point where they snag an executive position. Twats.

A better man than Cameron might have been remembered for the unfortunate pig incident and the poncy gypsy wagon alone. But Cameron bequeathed the country with the Brexit time bomb, and scuttled away immediately after lighting the fuse. Twat.

The poison has penetrated deeply. Let’s hope for better times, when the likes of Nigel Farage will be consigned to the fringes where they belong, and be called out for what they are. Twats.

TANTRIC COVID : “They say that running a country is like making love to a beautiful woman,” prime minister Boris ‘Bawbag’ Johnson is expected to tell the nation this afternoon, “only you’re doing it while watching over your shoulder for your wife to enter the room, as it’s happening during a christening of some sprog belonging to some party donor or other, you can’t really remember. So perhaps your eye isn’t firmly on the job in hand. You should really have shaken off your private security first, what if they can’t be relied upon to keep the missus away? It’s hard to get into the grove with so much on the mind. More so because you’re also wondering about making love to that hot little filly you spotted earlier at the church, and having to fight a court battle over paternity of a child you don’t want to acknowledge while trying to get off a mental tripwire so thin your flat feet are being painfully creased. And none of it helped by having a speech to finish writing in which you’re considering invoking Agamemnon. Not only to prove you half slept through a classics tutorial one summer long past, but because you’re considering passing a law forcing Argos to change its name to something British. Would that play well to the baying mob? Now, where were we? That’s right! Wondering if you can serve Domaine de la Romanee at the little bash the girlfriend is determined to throw, and claim it back on expenses? Ticklish.”

And then he will turn his attention to Covid and the easily avoidable second national lockdown, if only the government wasn’t managing Covid-19 on a calculation of how many daily deaths are survivable politically.

Everyone clap for Boris.

PURGEATORY PURGATORY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has some welcome news to start the new week, after a gathering of religious scholars over the weekend.

“There is zero chance of the current Home Secretary, the Right Honourable Priti Patel, going to Hell,” the esteemed group of scholars announced, “we can categorically state that the chance of Ms Patel going to Hell, even for a long weekend in purgatory, is three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand against.”

The group statement, issued by the cross denomination panel comprised of all major religions (and one or two minor ones) will be reassuring to a minister who appears to be taking a “cruelty first” approach to designing policy.

“Ms Patel is building on the work of her predecessor in the job. Theresa May set the direction of travel with the Hostile Environment and Ms Patel is bringing an Old Testament zeal and panache to augmenting it.”

It appears not even a complete lack of basic human compassion will see Ms Patel damned.

“No one could have foreseen that not removing a politician caught running their own private foreign policy agenda from the House of Commons would end up being a bad idea,” the statement continued, throwing some cover to the prime minister.

But while the ruling by the spiritual clique will cheer Ms Patel, some are questioning how a cruelty first policy agenda can see her immortal soul to safety?

“Because the path to Hell is paved with good intentions,” the clerics provide the answer in their closing line, “and we can only find cruel intentions in the Home Secretary’s choices.”

WHAT’S IN A NAME ANYWAY : Tory headbanger central is up to quality work today, as always, with a new and tangible way to improve the appeal of No Deal Brexit.

“We had to pull another rabbit out of the hat,” Mr Complete Sociopath MP told LCD Views, “WTO was wearing a bit thin, as some people started to actually understand what leaving the EU on WTO terms would mean. I would have you understand, I am not one of those people.”

To make the idea of a No Deal Brexit work the brains behind it realised they could build on Downing Street’s successful work during the Covid-19 crisis.

“We’re ordering everyone to refer to No Deal Brexit as the NHS No Deal Brexit now. That way everyone will love it.”

If the wheeze is successful it will be expanded into other areas.

“I mean we’re taking the absolute piss and getting away with it,” Mr Complete Sociopath noted, “the NHS track and trace app is Serco. So too pretty much anything we stick NHS in front of during the crisis. No one is stopping us in what is pretty bloody obvious deception in the interests of our flagrantly useless private interests. Let’s drive this stake all the way home.”

Be ready to see advertising for the NHS HS2 and NHS Heathrow third runway and NHS Universal Credit.

“We’re not sure if we’ll let Sunak in on the act though with an NHS Job Retention Scheme, after he failed to call the Covid spreader ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ the NHS Eat Out to Help Out. He missed a trick there. NHS Boris Johnson isn’t too impressed.”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Hardworking shepherd of public health Matt Hancock has announced today he has changed his name by deed poll to Matt Spatchcock.

The change to a new chicken themed surname is said by aides working closely with Spatchcock to have been “the right step at the right time” and to be “following the science of surnames”.

“This is no joking matter,” one of the aides told LCD Views, “people making bawdy jokes about Spatchcock’s surname, even within cabinet, is really testing for Matt.”

While it’s believed Spatchcock has the capacity to hear upwards of 200,000 jokes a day on a cock theme, he felt being tested with masturbation themed jokes tipped him over the edge.

“It’s wave after wave of puns that has lead Matt to hit the joke circuit breaker.”

But who has profited from the change to Spatchcock?

“A well known chain of piri piri chicken restaurants are believed to have been paid for consultation on theme.”

Matt’s predecessor in the role of slowly privatising the NHS, Jeremy Hunt, is believed to have approved of Matt changing his name legally, as Mr Hunt’s name was unofficially and permanently changed by the general public.

“This way Spatchcock keeps control of the issue,” the aide added, “and most importantly it will stop anyone joking about his name now, which is what those men that died on the beaches would have wanted. And Spatchcock doesn’t do anything without consideration of them. Not even support the illegal prorogation of parliament.”