Category: Inappropriate language

The BBC is arguing for an emergency increase in the license fee today to cover additional costs related to avoiding reporting bad news about Brexit.

“We’ve broken our panic button. It’s a bloody travesty,” John Humphrys, veteran newsreader and tenant farmer on Rees-mogg’s estate told us, “if I can’t hit this big red button to summon an emergency copy of the Daily Mail or bring up Breitbart I’m going to be bloody stuffed. No one wants to hear me making tumbleweed sounds but I’m going to have to do it.

Those Lords have been leaping all over Brexit lately. We’re not allowed to report it. We don’t want to report it. We’re not going to report it. It contradicts the will of the people. Which is why we had to ignore the swing to yellow and green in the locals.”

Quite how the button was unable to stand the panicked smashing from BBC newsreaders is a bit of a mystery.

”We spent half this year’s budget on commissioning the friggin’ useless bit of plastic,” Today programme editor Sarah ‘dines with Murdoch’ Sands revealed,

“It’s spring is composed of the same material that serves in place of MIchael Gove’s conscience.

The other half of the budget went on Humphrys and Robsinson’s personal therapist to ensure they are able to keep blathering the people had a vote no matter how much prestige, jobs and money is lost, even before we Brexit.”

It seems likely that the government will grant the increase in funding in the form of an emergency top up payment payable by direct debit by listeners every time they turn on a BBC service.

”£200M a week ought to cover it,” Humphrys said, “half of that will go to cover the bunting we roll out wherever IDS or Redwood visit. But they’re worth it. They know how to build a straw man and we need it.”

Novelty BBC panic buttons will also be sold through off licenses with packs of super strong cider so listeners can reassure themselves there’s a plan for Brexit.

“It’s made with materials developed for the space age,” Humphrys adds, “whenever the hell that was.”

 

The BBC has responded to increasing pressure from Lord Adonis, and pretty much everyone else in the UK who still cares about facts, by saying they have advanced and advancing plans to deal with the inevitable collapse of Brexit.

Apparently centerstage will be a ‘month of mourning’, lead by the cabal of ageing men with nests so well feathered they checked out intellectually from their jobs years ago.

“John Humphrys will shout WHY? WHY?! like a paid mourner for the first week from 6am till 9am every morning.

It will actually comprise the entirety of the Today programme for this first week, with the exception of Nick Robinson taking over Thought for the Day. He’ll tweet this onto Twitter and then block anyone who deconstructs his tweet.

After the first week Nigel Farage will be guest presenter and will sing the sounds of various motorised armoured vehicles from the 1940’s in what has been described as so good it’s insane.

It will all later be available as a high production recording which can be downloaded for free,” producer on Today, S Sands revealed, without revealing any information about that lunch she had with Murdoch, Banks, Fox and other interesting diners and why the BBC management structure is now stuffed to the gills with right wing media figures.

Although she did scribble on a piece of paper, so we’ve been told, ‘I love it when a plan comes together’.

Regarding the Brexit mourning month she was more forthcoming.

“You can have a look at one of the draft scripts, if you like?”

Of course we said yes and readily reproduce the excerpt below.

INT    BROADCASTING HOUSE    MORNING

A row of black, top hats next to a normal office sink. Normal in the sense it is jammed full of UKIP coffee mugs. They all need washing. There is a slug on the topmost one.

But there is one clean mug next to the sink. It has a Union Jack design and it’s sparkling.

JOHN HUMPHRYS stands before the sink.

John Humphrys (angry muttering)

The will of the people. THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. Remoaners. If it wasn’t for those bloody remoaners.

In his hands he holds copies of The Daily Mail and The Express.

Behind him Nigel Farage leans against the doorframe. He is dishevelled. He looks like he’s been out on a bender with Satan, again.

Nigel Farage

Can I stay at yours after the wake John? Only, she’s kicked me out again. Can’t trust those Europeans. So fussy. It was just a slip up. I said it wouldn’t happen again.

John Humphrys

Not now Nigel. Not now. I’ve got to read out the papers.

John Humphrys pushes past Nigel Farage. He goes shouting,

John Humphrys (voice fading)

THE PEOPLE HAD A FUCKING VOTE. HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAID TO READ OUT THE TABLOIDS PEOPLE? WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW?

Nigel Farage moves to the sink. He unzips his fly and tries to piss onto the mug with the Union Jack. His spray goes everywhere. He doesn’t touch the mug.

He stands there seething.

He swipes the mug off the counter. It ricochets around the kitchen like a bullet in an old western movie.

NIGEL FARAGE’S POV:

The Union Jack mug is flying at his face.

End Scene

Cheap and cheerful pub chain Wetherspoons has removed itself from social media. The ‘Spooners want to date your protector.

The data mining scandal has caused this casualty. Punters enjoying budget craft ale and bog-standard catering will be disappointed to no longer be able to post dicks of their pinner.

LCD’s Bunny Phone correspondent spoke to ‘Spooner Billy Wigg, known locally as a shining wit.

“I don’t use Basefook any more,” claimed Wigg, as he boffed his queer. “It’s just mad banners in a pub. Anyway, I can’t keep my stand heady when I’m fist as a part.”

We asked Billy whether he was concerned about data theft.

“Well, protector dating is all the rage now,” he gurgled, reaching for his pleated sorenuts. “I don’t want anyone dining my mater. The world’s gone mucking fad!”

In an attempt to gin out the spoke, we talked to landlady Mary Huff.

“Being a ‘Spooner is all about wangling your turds,” she stated, boring my peer. “We lurve sagas, and on Tuesdays we perve sighs.”

Are you concerned about no longer having an official Twitter account? Isn’t Wetherspoons’ action rather drastic?

“Not at all, too many customers are on their farts moans,” she said, caking my ‘tache. “We ‘Spooners are all about forking with your trends, and tarts deems. We want to create old pile stubs, where people can chink with their drums. That’s the pun fart of owing gout!”

Wetherspoons’ boss Mim Tartin was unavailable for comment, but issued the following mate’s tent.

“We have never dated any minor. We do not bite steels, style beats or beat styles. Reeving is thong. Now, let’s glazer ass and post the tub. Who’s binding a row? Lines a marge one!”

We think that Tartin might be making the tick. Maybe it was discovered that he was Twitter and bisted.

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has announced today it is to begin deleting statements by foreign secretary Boris Johnson before he says them.

“It’s just standard civil service contingency planning,” H Bogart, head of the FCO staffers told LCD Views during a job interview, “my starting salary isn’t really a concern, just help me get out of there please.”

That’s good. We can’t pay you anything.

“Not a problem.”

But please explain more about your decision regarding Mr Johnson.

“He’s doing what Theresa May needs him to do.”

Be a walking, talking catastrophe?

“Precisely,” Humphrey said, “he absorbs so much news print and media focus. It makes it easier for Ms May to starve children and slash police numbers. So that’s all well and good. It also keeps the Corbyn cultists absolutely swivel eyed obsessed on that Russian matter. Even better. But, and this is an important but.”

We waited.

We waited some more for H Bogart to continue.

What’s the important but?

“Oh, sorry, I was musing on what you offer for lunch? Buffet or fine dining at subsidised prices?”

You can grab lunch from the greasy spoon under our office. You have to pay for your own lunch. We run at a loss.

“Oh, you’re a standard newspaper then. Hmmm. Still…”

The but?

“Oh yes. Having a clown to distract the media and opposition is sensible government policy. Always need a few jokers in the pack. Makes for a f*cking terrible foreign secretary though. You’re not really supposed to squirt people in the eye from a flower on your lapel if you’re the face of the United Kingdom.”

So what’s to be done about it?

“Nothing, by Theresa May, she’s useless. She only fired Patel for trying to funnel taxpayer’s money to the IDF because Boris was cheesed off and ordered her to.”

Well, what are you going to do about it?

“We’ve had some code written. Anything Mr Johnson says now will be deleted before he says it.”

Did you invent a time machine?

“No. Gaffer tape and a sturdy chair. Oh, and a sock for is mouth.”

Pope Francis is under pressure to stand down today after saying in an interview to ‘Papal Bull’ quarterly that the resurrection was technically the second coming of Jesus.

”It’s just basic math,” the pontif pontificated, “Jesus was born after he made his mother pregnant with himself in a part of the story we prefer not to dwell on too much.

After that he ruined the business for vintners in his local area with a water to wine miracle.

He did some solid social democrat work.

He died, executed in the horrifying fashion of so many thousands of political activists under the Romans.

That was the end of the first coming. Everyone agrees. He was dead. He was buried. That’s a bit of a bookmark event.”

But surely, given that the resurrection was only a long weekend away, it still counts as part of the first coming?

”It’s too much of a fudge, ain’t it? No, the resurrection is technically his second coming.”

So what’s everyone waiting for?

”A third coming. Two thousand years now. You would have thought a man of his age could have managed it by now.”

When do you expect it to happen?

”Good question,” the Pope replied, “given the treatment he received the first time around I wouldn’t be rushing back. Would you?”

The second time ended okay.

”Yes. He learned to fly. Probably a good place to leave it. A happy ending.”

Do you intend to issue a decree pointing out the technical challenge to the accepted scripture?

”Mate, I just abolished Hell, I think I can manage a small adjustment to the maths concerning how many times Jesus has come to Earth, don’t you?”

The government is under renewed fire today over Home Office plans to replace emergency services with affirmations.

”I don’t really see what all the fuss is about,” acting prime minister Theresa May said, while attempting to convince a terrified child to approach her, “Amber and I have worked very hard on the phrases. They’re sure to be stable and certain in emergency situations.”

The prime minister paused a moment, picking up a chair by its back and attempting to pin one squirmy boy to the wall.

”Stop running away. That’s an order from your commander in chief! Haven’t these children been sedated for the photo op? They’re supposed to be e’ing off their heads by now. Who wants a cuddle? Come on you little brats.”

But when quizzed over how replacing the entire fire brigade with an affirmation was going to work, the acting prime minister attempted to divert the discussion to economics.

”Just think of the saving to the public purse? All those ghastly and expensive, brawny, uniformed, common chaps replaced by one well brought up fellow saying ‘this house is not on fire’ over and over. The house will soon come to believe its new reality and the fire extinguish itself. It will free up millions for tax relief for my husband’s clients.”

The ambulance service will be similarly reorganised. ‘My leg is still attached’. Although people will have to phone a new premium rate line in order to receive a tailor made affirmation. Average wait time is expected to be less than one week.

”If you come home to find your house being ransacked by a ner-do-well you simply invoke the phrase ‘my possession are my f*cking possessions and I’ll have your child’s lunch while I’m at it’. It’s going to make police response times the best in the world.”

And at last, with that, Ms May pinned the child to the wall.

”Quick! Get the photo before I faint from the stink.”

LCD Views commends the government’s original thinking. We believe this is a strong policy that all can unite behind.

“Some describe it as the elephant in the room. They see it daily but dare not mention it in public,” these words were spoken by the Secretary of State for Education in an ‘off the mike’ moment on RT Television.

Whilst mainstream media tried to bury the inadvertent gaff, LCD Views turned its searchlight towards Damian Hinds MP to find out more.

“We are bringing back Grammar schools,” said Hinds, “We have all read the Facebook pages and the comments section. There is now irrefutable proof that an overwhelming majority of the UK cannot spell the simplest word correctly.

Whilst I accept the democratic decision of the referendum, it sometimes takes me fifteen minutes to decipher the simplest comment!”

In order to keep a balanced report we sought out a regular 52% comment contributor, Jimmy Wobertson.

“This is the Qweens engleesh we don’t want no forinners messin’ wiv our words. Thats wot brexit is about,” said Jimmy, “we are taken back control of the engleesh langwage. We don’t want no froggy or jerry words furced on us anymure. We want pure engleesh like wot Henry the 8th spoke.”

“When were you at school Jimmy?” we asked.

“Beginnin of the 1980s, in the local comprehensif, it was grate, our teechers had 5 cse’s at best and spent most of there time on strike So I had loadsa time at home playin ping pong on a BBC acorn computer.”

“This is all the EU’s fault,” said Damian Hinds MP, “once brexit is completed, following the open ended ‘implementation phase.’ There will be enough money slushing around in the treasury coffers to issue an AI robot zpell checer for the 52% who voted leave.”

Forget sovereignty or taking back kontrol, we need to return to grammar an skool spelling tests for the written word once more, so we can at least understand the debates on social media. One area in which we can immediately take back control.

The Daily Mail expressed its fury at the forecast of British civilisation ending ice-sharknadoes this weekend, as it wanted to blame the EU for it.

Paul Dacre was reported locked in an editorial meeting with Satan and several other sub-editors including Vlad the Inhaler and Gary Bar-low, as they attempted to compose a headline to so malign the ice-sharknadoes as to render them impotent and give Junker the time he needs.

“It’s not looking good for Paul,” an insider told LCD Views, “he’s broken every stick of furnishing in his office and now he’s rampaging about the floor setting fire to things at random.”

It’s feared that if they can’t come up with a powerful enough idiotic headline to stop the ice-sharknadoes from tearing the country to shreds, then Dacre’s lifelong mission to stoke up sufficient hatred and division to tear the country apart, and blame it on the EU, will have failed.

“You’ve really got to feel for him,” the insider said, “the years, think of all the years he’s dedicated to vilification, denigration, mistruths about immigrants and Europe and now to have a freak weather event snatch victory from his hands when he’s so close?”

It’s believed the suspicion that climate change maybe a driving force behind the swirling shark winds and razor sharp ice particles, which can tear down buildings in minutes and strip the flesh from a true British potatriot’s bones in seconds, is only adding to poor Paul’s upset.

“If only the treasonous ice-sharknadoes had waited to invade our country in the winter of 2019/2020 it would have been okay,” the insider added, “the economic chaos of Brexit may well have been harnessed to trigger civil war and Dacre could have watched the country torn to pieces feeling really warm inside.”

The Foreign Secretary has been diagnosed with polydismorphia, a disease causing confusion of body parts. This comes after Boris put his foot into his mouth in spectacular fashion during an interview on Radio 4.

There is no known cure for this disease. It is highly contagious, and can spread rapidly. The only practical solution is to cull victims and burn their bodies.

LCD’s Improbable Ailments correspondent spoke to polydismorphia specialist Dr Willie Tappen.

“This condition is endemic among the political classes,” explained Dr Tappen. “It can flare up at any time. Sometimes attacks can be confined and controlled. In Mr Johnson’s case, though, drastic action is necessary.”

Dr Tappen brought forth further examples of polydismorphia. They include having two left feet, being all fingers and thumbs, and not knowing your arse from your elbow.

“Some of these variants are mild and treatable,” the good doctor continued. “For example, Ed Balls was given a strong course of Strictly.”

Boris, though, is another matter. “Left untreated, his affliction could infect the whole country,” warned Dr Tappen. “Even the wider world is at risk. Diseases respect no borders, however hard.”

So we arrive at the border. Boris proposed to solve the Irish border problem, essentially, by applying a congestion charge. He then tried to eat his words; unfortunately his foot was in the way.

The solution is a cull. Anyone who may have been poisoned by Boris’s rhetoric will be included. The cabinet, the mentally challenged, and anyone who has ever been on a big red bus will be sacrificed to prevent the spread of infection.

LCD Views would like to reassure their readership during this crisis. There is a simple preventative remedy available. Whenever a sufferer speaks or writes, simply take a large pinch of salt.

It has been confirmed that the cull will still continue. No need to take unnecessary risks, after all.

Social media giant, Facebook, is to hit back against criticisms of its latest algorithm change by designing a new one that fosters the sense of leafing through old magazines at the GP’s and finding your mum’s old shopping list inside. But with the added advantage of learning what the weather was at your friend’s last week, when the algorithm finally delivers a non-sponsored post.

“It’s going to really help embed the sense that being a publisher on Facebook, who is reactive to the news cycle, is just a waste of time,” head of creative engineering and speed dating, B Umble told LCD Views.

“Any suggestion that these algorithm changes are solely designed to squeeze publishers to pay money to actually have someone following your page read an article, well, that’s not something I’m willing to speculate on. Not with the added bonus of out of date weather reports.”

The social media platform is facing growing challenges from rivals in the digital world and from some of its own decisions.

“We are sure we can boost retention of younger users, and older people, by making sure no one gets any news that isn’t a week old, through our site. This will really foster a sense of traditional communities, pre-electricity, when it took days for information to travel around a region.”

The addition of the feel of old magazines stacked up at a GP’s is an interesting aim too?

“It’s to make you feel like you’re really having me-time. Also, you may have forgotten what Catherine Zeta-Jones looked like, pre marrying into the Douglas film dynasty. We can help you with that.”

But how are you going to recreate authentically the surprise of finding one of your mum’s old shopping lists?

“Well, we’re not going to show you anything but sponsored ads paid for by publishers terrified at the python like strangulation of their pages by our new algorithm, so if you actually get a post written by someone you care about, it’ll be all the more special.”

To cement the exciting changes Facebook is to boost its party planning function so young people feel properly invested.

“We’re making positive changes to the way young people use Facebook to catch up on each other’s news and plan parties,” B Umble added, “now, you won’t find out about that party you missed when you were eighteen, while you’re still eighteen, you’ll find out when you’re thirty one. That way it won’t be so annoying and you won’t be upset by not dressing correctly for the weather.”