Category: Inappropriate language

Great news for the bumbling boofhead of British politics today after noted statesman Roderick Spode, and some wizards, cleared him of promoting community cohesion.

”Boris stokes division for personal, political gain,” the chairman of the independent panel of fascists and idiots said, reading from their own official finding, “uses cheap, racist tropes under the cover of just being funny and cashes the cheques.”

The finding of Spode and the wizards builds on the work of the um, ah, independent panel convened independently by the Conservative Party, after Boris used islamophobic jokes to score some cheap political gain with the gammon some months back.

The fact that a noted Tory grandee was on the panel should not detract from perception of just how independent it was. If they call it a rose, it’s a rose, even if it smells like bullshit.

But the Spode committee added extra advice to their own judgements.

”It’s all very well to inflame community tensions at a time when dark money is funding far right political projects world wide,” their report continued, “it actually helps those projects, that tax dodged cash get more bang for its buck. But…”

It’s not all praise?

”We expect Boris to do more. We expect him to lead a march on a scale similar to Farage’s noted people movements and call for segregation and mass deportations of anyone who isn’t as blonde as Boris. He needs to step it up a gear if he wants to be fuhrer after Britain falls into the autocratic arms of Brexit.”

Dont forget, Boris is just being Boris,    as respectful and tolerant to minority communities as he’s been to pledges of fidelity and truth in general. An independent panel has decided.

Former prime minister of the United Kingdom, Gordon Brown, was rumoured to be feeling exceptionally hard done by today after reviewing a tape of newly independent MP, Anna Soubry’s, Newsnight interview to celebrate her freedom from tyranny.

”She’s come right out with a hatchet and buried it in the scarecrow’s eyes,” Mr Brown allegedly told us, “I admire that. But this isn’t really fair.”

What? The none too subtle attack on May? We admired the coolly disposed rage of Soubry as she began her slow demolition of her former terminator.

”The demolition job is fine. I’m all for it. I can’t stand Theresa May. She’s just some kind of bigoted woman.”

Well, what’s the problem?

”I say it, in a car, in private, to my driver and I lose a bloody election to David ‘trotters’ Cameron. Soubry says essentially the same thing and she’s an instant bloody hero! Where’s the justice!”

It’s probably one of context.

”How so?”

You were prime minister at the time. You were power. You were talking about an elderly person unable to comprehend the changes in her society. So she was in a sense vulnerable.

”You’re not too bloody vulnerable when you’ve the majority of the media, right wing owned and race dog whistling, on your side! We soon saw who held the power. And was I wrong? Well?”

Arguably no, given that a few years after you forgot to un-mike we got the, so far, successful crime of Brexit perpetrated largely thanks to some people being a kind of bigoted. And some very much so. In fact a large part of the campaign was just racism. So I guess not.

”You’ve proven my point then! I know what they can criticise Soubry for what she just said and did though.”

What’s that?

”Stating the bleeding obvious!”

LCD Views has the scoop today on the result of the work of a team of international observers who have been working to settle on a new description for the English, in light of recent events.

“We started this project on the morning of the 24th of June 2016,” Professor Hed Outsands, head of the UN special task force said, “exactly the same moment the Japanese government began planning for Brexit.”

But it only took the Japanese government a few months to plan for Brexit in all its flavours, why did it take a UN special task force nearly three years?

“Oh, we knew immediately that there would have to be changes to the words used to describe the once mighty English. Just like any other objective observer of the decision made by the parliaments of 2016-7 and then 2017 to present. It was all blindingly obvious if you took the merest effort to study reality and cause and effect,

“But just how sweary the new words would be were dependent on the choices made by the predominately English parliament of the United Kingdom government. It’s all very straightforward. As you can see from the results of our work, which is now complete.”

Is there a risk that the new words used to describe a nation, once generally viewed favourably on the international stage, would already be taken by well known bad actors?

“This why we have chosen the straightforward compound of batshit crazy to replace eccentric. Batshit is English and unlike the current english political establishment instantly understandable. Please see the handy link we have added to our report from the urban dictionary.”

Is there any risk that your study was influenced by johnny foreigners out to get the English?

“No. We had a vote to choose the new terms. Batshit crazy won 52/48. That’s an overwhelming mandate. Although there were some questions about the use of telephone voting and risk of multiple votes by singular actors. We decided to dismiss any concerns out of hand. It was only an advisory vote, but we have decided to implement the result, come what may. It was the only sound thing to do.”

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=batshit%20crazy

Unless foul play or contagious illness are involved, it’s unusual for the death of a public figure to inspire a reaction of terror, but that’s what happened yesterday morning in government circles when the death of a man named Banks was disclosed.

The announcement “Banks dead!” caused widespread panic among the Conservative party and their rich chums, especially those in the banking sector, as they feared for their ill-gotten gains.

Stockbroker Ian Vestments had the following comment on the matter:

“I was getting calls from every senior Tory politician and banker you can think of. They were all asking what the future was for their money if the banking system was truly dead and buried. In the first instance I asked what they were talking about, and it didn’t take long to find out. It turns out they’d seen the headline and panicked. It wasn’t Arron Banks, it was just some footballer. I kept getting lots of calls for the next several minutes but eventually it tailed off.”

Mr Vestments spent the overwhelming majority of the morning (52% according to his telephone records) explaining to the Tories that nothing had happened to their money.

“They all seemed very relieved when they found out that it was just a person, especially just some old footballer,” Mr Vestments added.

“No disrespect to Mr Banks, he was a national hero, a key member of England’s winning World Cup squad in 1966, and his passing should be noted. At least no disrespect to him from me. You should have heard what those snooty bastards said when they found out the news!”

According to the call logs, a Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg was distraught. “You mean one has wasted one’s energies worrying about one’s money?” he ranted, outraged at the thought. “Instead, one discovers it was the merciful decease of a filthy working class football hooligan!”

Even when corrected about Mr Banks being a player, Mr Rees-Mogg insisted there was no difference. “It’s fake news!” he said, reasonably.

Boris Johnson’s reaction was a fear for the future funding of Brexit, while Theresa May planned to compensate by raising a new tax on the working classes.

We at LCD Views say shame on every Conservative politician and banker who feared for their money on reading the news, and offer our condolences to the family and friends of Mr Gordon Banks.

Nigel Farage, the most successful failure in the United Kingdom, has launched a fresh initiative. He is calling for a Brexit of the English language. If successful, this means that all words which can be traced back to Europe will be removed from the language with immediate effect.

Farage is calling the project “Ingerlish language for Ingerlish people”. LCD’s Bad Language correspondent paid a visit to the man who put the ‘moron’ into ‘oxymoron’.

“This is all part of my Brexit Party project,” he claimed. “Ingerlish means Ingerlish! The Jerries and the Frogs can just hop off, so I can buy untipped full strength cigarettes and Watney’s Bitter again.”

So it’s all about nostalgia for your lost youth?

“Yes. No! No. Yes! Ermmm…” he waffled, decisively. “The point is, we in Ingerland have had just about enough of those poncy continental Johnnies poking their carefully trimmed noses into our business. We want to strip back the language to its essential Ingerlishness!”

That might be difficult, given that the English language has a rich heritage, with influences from many European sources.

“We intend to start with technical language,” said Farage. “All that hypotenuse and Yersina Pestis rubbish. Nobody uses that except experts, and experts will be banned too. We will then strip it back to the original Celtic. Communication may be difficult for a time, but it will be worth it. We want our language back!”

Basically Farage is saying we will all be talking Welsh after Brexit. So we met up with an expert on Welsh, before he is banned for all eternity.

“Welsh is a wonderful language, boyo,” said the Welsh expert, Dai Llaffyng. “But it also has its roots on the continent, see? You go back, now, before the birth of Christ, and the whole of Europe is speaking Celtic languages, isn’t it, you know? Iechyd da to you!”

So it looks like Brexiters will be reduced to communicating via grunts, with the occasional surviving Indian loan word, dating from the days of the Raj, thrown in for good measure.

To conclude, our response to Farage is simply this: Mmmph… Unngghh… Blurrrgg… Verandah…

BOILING HAMS : LCD Views has received a memo in a brown paper bag, purportedly leaked from the offices of Brexit Radio 4 flagship ‘Today’, which details why Nigel Farage will not now replace John Humphrys, when he finally, please, for the love of God, retires sometime this year.

“It’s pretty simple,” our BBC watcher says, “Farage is known to be fairly supportive of Brexit, but he can’t match John Humphrys’ level of bombastic enthusiasm. Continuity is important with a change of this magnitude.”

While many just assumed Farage would step into Humphrys’ shoes when he retires, it seems senior management have consulted with their bosses at 55 Tufton Street who advised they must find someone who can build on Humphrys’ body of work.

“They need someone who can really promote the sensible use of taxpayer’s money in turning the UK into a tax haven. This needs a figure of gravitas who is so comfortable in his biases and well padded nest of nostalgia he’ll readily be an unwitting megaphone of toxic nationalism,

“This is needed to enrage just enough of the electorate to scare the main political parties into pandering to it. And then watch what happens to the tax rates and the UK’s public services! That’s the prize, right there. That’s Brexit. It’s also actually Lexit, which is quite cute when you think about it.”

Whoever is found to replace the stalled-wart of BBC broadcasting will be allowed a grace period to develop their own style.

“They’ll be given John’s scripts to start off with. You know, the same one every day, nonsense like ‘the people voted overwhelmingly to leave the European Union and start eating their pets’, ‘the British people decided to become the world’s laughing stock, to the relief of North Korea’ and so on.”

Nick Robinson is reportedly willing to double up his own output of de-contextualised nonsense while a suitable replacement is found to keep him company. It’s even thought that Andrew “but the English have never been ruled by anyone” Marr is ready to further mark his own card.

“My money is on them digging up either Mosley or Lord Haw-Haw, but we’ll have to wait and see, they may opt to rise a new star and pluck a pineapple vest wearing lunatic off the streets. Or maybe a nineteen year old blonde girl with a cheerful bust? You know, a great face for radio that will draw in the ageing male Brexiters and glue them tight in frothy hope.”

Why not just stick some electrodes into a chunk of salty British gammon, put it next to a microphone and be done with it?

John Humphrys is under heavy sedation and Nick Robinson has been given an action man figurine (resembling himself) to play with, at news that the grand old lady of British broadcasting, the BBC, is to be renamed the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation.

“It’s to tie in with the relocation of broadcasting services, ahead of Brexit, to the Belgium capital,” Jean-Claude Junker told LCD Views, after we got him on the broken news hotline, “so that the Beeb can continue to enjoy a license to broadcast within the EU. I am to be made governor, just to really get under Andrew Neil’s wig.”

And Andrew Neil isn’t the only one expected to go beetroot in colour at the shift in name and geography.

“But the English have never been ruled by anybody,” Andrew Marr is to stammer in shock, “and apparently I’m a historian. What are the English anyway? If not a mixture of such a vast array of European peoples that you can not say for certain which one ruled us. Therefore I am correct.”

The move to Brussels is expected to be finalised by the 29th March so that when Brexit happens and all our international treaties and agreements are torn up, at least the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation will be safe. And all the political journalists paid eye-watering salaries to spout pretty much unadulterated bollocks nowadays.

But might the shift lead to a change in editorial style? A more Europhile perspective?

“Not if Sarah Sands keeps on controlling the Today programme,” we were reassured, “and all the other Tory placemats that Cameron put in place to castrate what was once a great British institution.”

I ask you, is there anything David Cameron didn’t infect with toxin during his time in Downing Street?

In the meantime we suggest Humphrys is kept sedated. We’re not sure how well he’ll cope with being ruled by the iron fist of Brussels.

The BBC to become the BBC, the people have decided.

God has taken time out from his busy schedule of preparing for his son’s birthday party tomorrow to contact his lawyers.

”God is, to put it lightly, not best pleased by any attempt to associate him with the actions of this vicious and shambolic fascist regime currently infesting Downing Street. He has instructed us to issue a cease and desist order,” Knot Fiction, partner at Dead Sea and Scroll, told our legal eagle, “the order pertains to everything Theresa May does policy wise. But he has also issued a gagging order to stop her revealing the contents of the private conservations they hold.”

It’s believed the conversations are in reality one way.

”Theresa believes she is talking to God and he is responding,” Knot adds, “and you know what they say. If you’re taking to God it’s prayer, if God is talking to you…”

But Theresa May watchers believe the Almighty’s legal action will have little impact on what the current British prime minister does.

”She’s not talking to God and she clearly isn’t motivated by any genuine Christian faith, not least in the traditional sense,” observed anyone who has been on the receiving end of policies birthed in the fetid recesses of Ms May’s imagination.

The criticism is backed up further legal complications believed to be facing the PM.

”Satan has stated his intent to sue Ms May over theft of intellectual property and reputational damage,” a spokesman for lawyers for Satan, Also and Fiction revealed, “she’s thieved the hostile environment policies straight out of his lab and far too many people are saying she’s the devil incarnate. Which is causing considerable distress to our client.”

It’s that time of year again when we hear the dulcet tones of Bing Crosby on the airwaves. However, this year there will be a slight difference. After over seven decades of regular airplay and featuring on virtually every Christmas compilation ever issued, Bing Crosby’s classic 1942 hit “White Christmas” has been criticised for carrying racist overtones.

BBC executive Ray De Yeoman issued the following statement to the assembled media:

“It has come to our attention that racist groups such as UKIP and Britain First have taken a lovely song and exploited it for their own racist agendas. We at the BBC are against racism in all forms, and have no wish to make any non-white listeners feel unwelcome in this country, and if this song encourages racism then something must be done about it.”

Rather than ban the song outright however, they are taking the unusual measure of hiring a Bing Crosby impersonator and overdubbing the word “white” to “snowy”, and adjust the final verse from:

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white.

Into:

I’m dreaming of a snowy Christmas, with every Christmas card I send.
May your days be merry my friend, and may all your goodwill never end.

Some have welcomed the move, others have described it as political correctness gone mad. A petition to reinstate the original version of the song has already been started online.

The move applies to both the original version of the song and all subsequent cover versions, of which there are many, as the song has proved enormously popular with crooners since the beginning, with Frank Sinatra, Perry Como and Andy Williams all recording their versions of it, not to mention the more recent attempts by the likes of Bette Midler, Martina McBride and Andrea Bocelli.

Those who are still alive are already overdubbing their own performances, with impersonators hired to do the same for those singers who are no longer with us.

We await the results with baited breath.

“You can imagine the fury amongst the faithful members of Corbyn’s handler’s insurgency group Abstention,” our special What’s Labour [Not] Up To Now? correspondent reports, “Owen Jones is going to find Tony T-Bone Blair’s twitter account and organise a pile on. It’s going to be savage. The king of the Blairites doesn’t stand a chance after that. He’ll basically just be rubble and incapable of challenging anyone. At least, not on twitter, he’ll have to block so many accounts he won’t be able to get any tweeting done for hours.”

Why the members of Abstention are so concerned is not clear, given Tony Blair isn’t currently an MP, so unlikely to be able to takeover the Labour Party and remake it into Even Newer Labour, as he couldn’t then be prime minister, so who would vote for him as leader?

Especially as he’s just taking the opportunity to redo his legacy in the heat of national crisis in the hope of wedging in a footnote big enough to obscure his part in a chain of events that led to a pile of bodies that is still growing in the Middle East.

It’s not Jeremy’s fault, for providing the space through deliberate inactivity on the greatest national crisis since the last one.

”Most of the PLP and a good chunk of the membership, they’re so fed up with this cynical long game, Tory Brexit enabling BS, people may just swallow their sick and back Blair to stop the Nazis taking over the U.K. fully,” the spokesman replied in an unguarded response,

“Jeremy can’t survive that. His whole agenda is based on a fence post. And he can survive Lexit, having a net worth estimated in the several million, and thus buffered against the conditions required to birth Lexit and the true Leninist utopia to come after,

”Or Trotskyist, or Stalinist, or Allotmentist, or Jamist, we get a bit lost with the lables. At least we’re not New Labourist. It would be terrifying if we got elected before Brexit. After it with Henry VIII powers and May to blame would be a different matter.”

So you don’t or you do fear Blair?

”We fear getting elected. Why do you think Labour never strikes when May is weakest?”