Category: Governing the people

SUB PRIME PEERAGES : FANTASTIC opportunities for the country’s high street shoppers with the slashing of the cost of peerages. Neatly timed too with the reopening of “non-essential” retail.

The value of being a Lord or Lady has been tumbling for a while after Boris Johnson used the honour system to stuff the House of Lords with Brexiters requiring a payoff.

“Just making Goldsmith a peer and retaining him as a minister slashed the value by 10%. The people threw him out on his ear at a GE and before he had a chance to bounce Johnson had ennobled him and stuffed him into the Lords. Then there’s Fox. Another 10%. So on like this. But Lord Frost has basically turned peerages into something the equivalent of junk bonds.”

While for some this may seem to undermine the democratic legitimacy of the unelected upper house, for people looking for a way to cheer themselves up after a long lockdown winter it’s a golden opportunity.

“We’ve all got that member of the family, normally an ageing male, who wants a coat of arms to appear impressive to their peers. Well now you can just rock down to the local pound store and pick up a peerage. You can imagine how envious they’ll be when they have to call you Lord or Lady. Ha! Especially as they can’t be seen dead in the pound store themselves. Total stitch-up.”

Although some punters are said to be holding off buying their peerage even now and waiting to see what LORD Frost does next.

“If he carries on his current trajectory of agreeing deals with the EU, proclaiming them a British negotiating success and then about facing twenty four hours later to claim the EU is abusing the UK and he wants to renegotiate? Mate. You won’t be able to give a peerage away. This just proves that giving inadequate people high status so they’ll do whatever you ask them to is a boon for British shoppers.”

ALEXANDER DE PEFEFFEL BORIS JOHNSON : Bad times in the No 11 Downing Street flat this morning as reports of “two blows landing one after another” leak from the creaky ship of state.

The left hook appears to be the Prime Minister’s “deep shock” at the “out of character” behaviour of his Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“Ms Patel has a reputation for removing people from the country with a ruthless efficiency completely devoid of human feeling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“That’s why she is in her job.”

We realise that.

“Remember the footage of Boris Johnson refusing to shake hands with those two black delegates at Tory Conference?”

Yes. Here’s the link.

“Remember all his colourful language in columns over years? Remember how he plays to the basest instincts of the electorate? THAT’S WHY PATEL IS HOME SECRETARY. An individual so devoid of human feeling, so cleansed of empathy she is perfect to keep the dirty deeds at arm’s length. Her failure yesterday has rocked the PM. Now he has to fight Scotland full on. You remember the Glasgow Airport terrorist incident? Boris Johnson is a bully. Bullies run from serious danger. He does not want to have to take Glasgow on. God damn you Priti! Damn you to hell!”

What was the second blow?

“Oh, the right hook was Carrie deciding she wants to change the wallpaper. Again. Maybe difficult to find a donor to pay for it.”

MONEY IS FUNNY : People across the United Kingdom are smiling into their home brand cornflakes from the local food bank this morning with the news the government is to crackdown on voter fraud.

”It’s not just the food bank users, elderly people who have to sell their homes to pay for end of life care are also deeply reassured,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too people wondering how to export to the EU. I hear a bus was even torched in Northern Ireland when a celebration got out of hand.”

The jubilation is reported to be across all sectors of society with fishermen planning to “sail up the Thames and throw in some dead mackerel outside Westminster Palace.”

Trillions are also said to have left the London Stock Exchange for New York and a few EU destinations. People are that ecstatic.

”Finally I can vote knowing that the person behind me hasn’t queued up to pretend to be someone else who may or may not already be recorded as having cast their one ballot. That’s before they scoot off to the other side of town, where they’re not registered, to try it on again,” one happy punter told us. They wished to remain anonymous in case someone tried to impersonate them in the next GE.

“They need have no fear now,” the Downing Street source says. “Dido Harding is on the case.”

The colossus of viral Track and Trace is back and this time it’s serious.

“She’ll be given a £37bn budget to track and trace every fraudulent ballot. How she spends it is anyone’s guess. We’re not keeping tabs. This is too urgent a mission. But if I was a t-shirt seller in Istanbul, a faceless company registered at a hotel in Hong Kong, a jewellery designer in Florida or had once poured Matt Hancock a pint I’d be trembling in anticipation of being paid tens of millions to play my part.”

Rest assured people of Britannia, Dido is once again unchained.

What to do about it when the voters elect a fraud though? On that the government is silent. Presumably you can just vote them out at the next general election. That’s if Boris Johnson ever decides to call one.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR : The Prime Minister is to announce later today a building boom for the good people of Hartlepool to thank them for electing a ToryKip MP.

The building that will be booming is the first Debtors Prison to be constructed in England since the mid-Victorian period.

“The good people of Hartlepool have voted for change and change they will get,” the PM will promise. “You have chosen to reward my industrial scale lying, the preventable deaths of tens of thousands of your fellow citizens, the destablilsation of peace in Northern Ireland, the almost certain breakup of the United Kingdom, the hardship inflicted on your people over 11 years now and the promise of a war with France by electing a resident of the Cayman Islands to serve their interests at Westminster. It’s hard to express how deep my gratitude is. The decision to break your ground and erect a monstrosity is just the beginning.”

It’s believed a Tory donor and “close friend of the Prime Minister” will win the contract to build the prison and most of the materials used will be imported “for a laugh”.

“The prison will bring together people from across the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and is part of our reinvigorated agenda of levelling up and building back better [debtors prisons].”

It’s not yet known which MP will be chosen to cut the ribbon upon completion, although the member for the Victorian era, Jacob Rees-mogg, is said to be almost tumescent at the prospect.

“The prison will not just be there to punish recalcitrant tenants of slum Tory landlords, but to improve and better their characters by long working hours, a diet of gruel and the prospect of hand stitching Union Jack flags until an early grave.”

For its part the Labour leadership have yet to comment on the plans, being too busy wondering why continuing the policy of validating the fascist Tory political project of Brexit, started under Jeremy Corbyn, is yet to yield electoral success. Completely baffling. There is an argument to be won and they’re still determined not to have it.

A delegation of former fishermen have been asked to form a choir to sing “Land of Hope and Glory” on the day the Debtors Prison opens. Which is nice.

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATE : Downing Street have bowed to pressure today to hold a public inquiry into the catastrophic extent of the pandemic in the United Kingdom.

Reassuringly, everyone registered to vote can take part as the powers that be take the view the country has still had enough of experts. The inquiry will take the tried and tested form used to solve complex problems in our Great and world beating country. It will be a referendum, just like the EUref one.

“It’s going to be a referendum yes. A once in a generation decision that will settle things for decades to come in an amicable way,” a Downing Street source confirms to LCD Views. “This way it can be held in a day and the country can move forward.”

Curiously though, a leak from Whitehall suggests the ballot paper only offers two choices and both of them are the prime minister.

“Some critics have said we should have placed an order of preference on the ballot paper. Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak, Matt Hancock etc. Oh and other members of government such as Tim Martin, Rupert Murdoch, the PM’s mistress, Dominic Cummings and the last Labour government. We do see merit in that, as governance is a collective act. But, we believe it will be simpler for everyone to move forward if it’s solely blamed on Boris Johnson. The buck stops at the top after all.”

No date has yet been set for the inquiry to be held. Reports suggest though it will be five minutes after Boris Johnson has been driven from government and the results announced by Michael Gove.

TEFLON : The great bull in the china shop of British politics, your leader Boris Johnson, is said to be planning a good romp among the aisles in the aforementioned china shop today, just like every other day.

Lesser politicians would have fallen long before now in the aftermath of any of the scandals Mr Johnson has been involved in. Indeed lesser politicians would never have risen to be prime minister. Mr Johnson thus displays a political skill that is rare indeed.

“He’s having a cracking time over this Dom text business,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “He’s overseen one of the world’s worst CV-19 responses and no one is suggesting he leaves office. A few texts back and forth with a billionaire offering to fix tax rates aren’t going to slow him down.”

And one particular source of comfort and merriment in the current feeding frenzy over the text messages is knowing that Mr Johnson’s reputation will not be damaged by it.

“This is where his genius lies. He shed any pretence to credibility long, long ago and the people went for it. So who cares? What are you going to do about it? If anything this current furore just shows how much more powerful than you he is. So deal with it.”

Presumably Mr Cummings won’t lose any credibility either, having also completely incinerated his own last summer when he chose to destroy the pandemic public health message.

“Just think yourself grateful that you get to witness the deeds of the mighty. Governance as entertainment. Entertainment as diversion as the state’s coffers are looted. It’s what the people voted for.”

But what about rumours that the release of the text messages are actually part of coordinated plan between Gove and Cummings to bring Johnson down?

“Barely credible. Gove is a patriot.”

LAST IN A CROWDED FIELD : Tory MP Johnny Mercer yesterday became the last in a very crowded field to realise Prime Minister Boris Johnson is completely full of shit.

The shock revelation occurred to Mr Mercer somewhat belatedly, given that as already stated, everyone else on Earth worked it out donkeys years ago.

The lightbulb moment caused Mr Mercer to attempt to resign on principle, not quite resign on principle, only to be sacked. Presumably for a display of doubt and disloyalty given that Boris Johnson has no principles at all. A fact confirmed by numerous investigations with an electron microscope.

What Mr Mercer will do now isn’t entirely clear although it’s likely he’ll need a good and long sit down.

“He’ll be needing to cast his mind back over recent years and ponder if there were any signs Boris Johnson is completely full of shit earlier?” our Westminster analyst asks. “Perhaps when the Prime Minister lied to the Queen? Not that anyone should resign over that minor little fib. Perhaps when he spent months touring the country in a bus painted with proven lies? Hardly anyone noticed, to be fair. Certainly not Johnny.”

Maybe the promise to avoid customs barriers for Northern Ireland by the PM could have enlightened Mr Mercer? But why would they as the PM only went and did it anyway.

“It’s really puzzling,” our analyst continues. “You have to wonder what Mr Mercer will do when he learns bears shit in woods and the Pope is Catholic. It will be mind blowing.”

For everyone else though the lingering question is perhaps more why now? He’s given a reason, and it’s a credible one, to do with veterans, but given the unceasing catalogue of complete and utter horse shit Johnson has showered the U.K. in for years now, why now?

Perhaps when Gove and Sunak come out of hiding they can enlighten all of us…

BATTING FOR BRITAIN: The country’s world beating sports fan, Boris Johnson, is striding to the middle, racquet in hand, to enter the scrum. To emphasise his man of the people credentials, he has declared a lifelong love of Manchester Wanderers. 

He goes to soccer matches all the time, he claims. When he goes, he takes his mate, Burnley Ham Villa fan, “Dodgy” Dave Cameron. 

Johnson painted an evocative picture of two old mates cheering on Roy of the Rovers netting his weekly hat-trick. It could easily have been depicted on one of his famous wine box paintings. 

“Dave and I have spent many a Saturday afternoon in the grandstand at Maine Street,” he boasted. “Always at the, erm, yes, well, erm, the Piccadilly end, with our rattles and our sky blue pink club ties!” 

And in the modern era? 

“Oh, yes, erm, no, erm, wiff waff,” he waffled confidently. “Yes, they changed their stadium, didn’t they? Old Trafford to New Trafford? Splendid stuff, I say, yes, we often go and have a few glasses of claret and some foie gras during the interval, just like millions of other ordinary fans!” 

What’s your opinion on the European Super League business? 

“Well, erm, no, yes, well, it’s just not cricket, is it?” he replied. “I mean, a few clubs with more ego than sense, a glorious past but an uncertain future, thinking they are better than everyone else and cutting themselves off from their fans, just so their owners can get richer? It’s despicable. Despicable, I say!” 

If only there were some kind of parallel in global economics. 

“And it’s European, so it must be bad by definition!” Johnson spluttered. “Association soccer ball will be ruined for ordinary fans like me!” 

And who do you think will win the FA Cup this season? 

“Erm, yes, erm, well, the thing is…” he improvised, and quickly shambled off to hide in the nearest fridge. 

POPPADUMS AND A RIGHT PROPER PICKLE: Boris Johnson has decided to cancel his jaunt to India. This comes after one of his “tech assistants” pointed out that he could conduct business via the medium of the video call. 

Johnson decided to console himself by having a takeaway chicken tikka masala, that most Indian of dishes. He will wash it down with a bottle of Indian lager brewed in Burton-on-Trent. 

This means that the English newspapers are now free to report on the scale of the latest covid variant outbreaks on the subcontinent. 

Johnson has pronounced himself “disappointed” not to be travelling in person. He had been looking forward to boffing the air hostesses and the Bollywood starlets, and dressing up in a sari. 

He had also been scheduled to dress up at the British Prime Minister and deliver a speech. This was designed to curry favour with “our former colonial subjects”, expecting them to “welcome old friends back into the fold”, and to obtain the recipe for lamb biryani. 

Instead, Johnson will have to make do with his oven ready chicken tikka masala in front of EastEnders, and hope that Carrie doesn’t have a headache again. 

The actual meeting will now be a virtual one. Johnson is banking on the success of his world beating strategy. What he is planning to say is a mystery, even to him. 

Insiders, carefully bribed by an investigator in no way connected to LCD Views, gave a coriander-laced flavour of the likely form of words Johnson will use:

“I say, my good fellows, erm, yes, well, why don’t we let bygones be bygones, water under the bridge, wiff waff, that sort of thing, we have to draw the line somewhere, like between India and Pakistan, ha ha, erm, well, yes, erm, no, well, erm, so now we are the best of chums, give us what we want or we will have to colonise you again!”

The Indian government is expected to cave in to this persuasive rhetoric, say the insiders. Indian government insiders insist that they will just mute Johnson and let him blather on without having to listen. 

Our influence on the world has certainly changed since Brexit. That’s the takeaway. 

ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU GET TOLD NO LIES: The filibustering fibber has been hospitalised following an unprecedented accident. Johnson was rushed to the nearest Accident & Emergency department following a spontaneous seizure.

Boris Johnson is well known in Westminster circles for never answering a straight question with a straight answer. Certainly not a question regarding policy, lobbying or corruption. According to certain pneumatic blondes known to LCD Views, even the relatively unweighted request of “Fancy a shag, Boris babes?” tends to be met with a recital of The Merchant of Venice before he even loosens his tie.

However, today at PMQs he made the rookie error of answering a question without considering the traps that lay within. “Mr Speaker, I trust that the Prime Minister would agree with me that the rollout of the Coronavirus vaccine by the NHS has been an outstanding success,” stated Keir Starmer, in a generous tone. Johnson smirked complacently like Priti Patel in possession of a set of diamond-encrusted knuckledusters. “Does he agree, therefore, that the public sector has a vital role to play in defeating the virus?”

There was a pause, as a clearly smug and self-important Johnson rose to his feet.

“Well, I say, wiff waff, well, yes of course…” he began. But before Johnson could proceed any further, his heart leaped out of his chest and attempted to strangle him.

Members on both sides of the House recoiled in horror at the conclusive proof that Johnson was in possession of a heart.

On-call paramedics, permanently stationed in the House should some medical emergency arise, literally sauntered at great lack of speed to help the stricken PM. “He’s only bluffing,” they told the heart, over and over again, until it relented sufficiently to allow Boris to breathe again. The paramedics stuffed the heart back into its cavity, and stretchered the PM to a waiting ambulance, trembling with suppressed laughter.

Now we know exactly what goes on at the heart of government.