Category: Governing the people

KEEP ‘EM HUNGRY KEEP ‘EM KEEN : The United Kingdom is a world leader in both the food bank and free school meals sector. Few industrialised countries that aren’t the USA prepare their underprivileged youth with such vigour for the dog eat dog world of reduced employment rights and job insecurity.

Thanks to the sensible, self-imposed limitations of Brexit the U.K. is set to ramp up the way it prepares poorer children for endless Tory rule. Food supplies are in crisis and the crisis needs to be digested by the right people in the right institutions.

“Feed Your Betters is a new campaign we’re launching in all schools,” a Department of Education spokesman told LCD Views. “Poor children will be asked to skip meals to ensure that their more intelligently born contemporaries have their nutritional needs met so they physically develop properly in order to go on to govern their lessers.”

The scheme will involve coordination across government departments with the Home Office assisting the Education Secretary, while the Chancellor ensures the purse strings are loose enough so that no one actually perishes from hunger fast, but tight enough to ensure low born are thinking about food more than their lessons.

“The Food Enforcement Police will intercept and divert lorries full of fresh produce from their intended destinations of state schools full of shabby never do wells and divert the food to Eton, Harrow, Basket, Hive and other vital institutions to guarantee the future of strong and stable governance in the United Kingdom.”

But it won’t all be one way traffic. The born to rule youngsters will daily select one bread roll which will be returned to a state school chosen by lottery. The bread roll will have several weevils inserted prior to return to make sure it includes the right level of protein to meet new means tested guidance.

“A live stream will broadcast the poor children fighting in a ring over the bread roll with the victor receiving a standing ovation over zoom from the better kids. Just imagine your pride when your bruised and battered offspring hold the bloodied roll, or what is left of it, up to the webcam.”

There were thoughts of having the posh kids actually visit to watch the bread brawling in person but this has been put on hold for the time being.

The Education Department explained why.

“Do you want several future prime ministers exposed to that nasty cold which is out of control in state schools all at once? You don’t want to risk the next Cameron or Johnson getting an illness that might cause chronic conditions in their childhood. That’s an advantage squarely pegged for the deserving poor.”

YOU VOTED FOR GULAGS : BRITISH CITIZENS have failed to heed the summons to work and now the British government has to take the corrective action required to rectify the slovenly habits of a famously work shy population.

The productivity puzzle has long been an issue for the British economy, with austerity, privatising public services and making them rubbish, failing to invest to modernise infrastructure and everyone having to spend hours just to get to and from work as a result having nothing to do with it.

“The situation with HGV drivers, farm workers and hospitality short staffing can not be allowed to deteriorate further,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve pulled some army drivers in for transport, but that is a sticking plaster. We’re allowing restaurants to employ prisoners, but that only gets us so far because the last Labour government failed to imprison enough Brits.”

The solution it seems is a mass imprisonment drive.

“Priti Patel came up with it,” the source explains, “which will surprise no one. She’s a real firecracker when it comes to crime and punishment. From today we will be criminalising such activities as ‘being outdoors’ and ‘grocery shopping’. Being outdoors will also include being in your back yard. So watch out. If you don’t want to find yourself plucking chickens in a farm in Norfolk by close of play today, stay inside. Or go overseas like a Tory MP.”

The mass imprisonment scheme will obviously exclude Tory MPs, their families and donors, but everyone else is for it.

“You actually want to be the first to be imprisoned and released to forced labour,” the source advises. “We don’t have sufficient police to enforce even a ban on e scooters. So the initial wave of detainees will become police who will then arrest people for soft fruit farms. Go for a walk after lunch today and be in uniform before you get home. Be a self-starter, or find yourself in chains on a farm.”

Global Britain. It’s what a minority of the people wanted after an industrial psy-ops campaign, but all get to share the benefits.

LOOK INTO MY EYES : BORIS JOHNSON’S holiday plans are in tatters this week after a lazy assumption that everyone else in the UK is as indifferent to suffering as he is.

Even critics of the beleaguered Prime Minister are feeling moved to sympathy today as the crisis involving Mr Johnson’s failed Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, grips the news cycle for another day.

“It’s not fair, really, is it?” Ranter176 said on Twitter. “He has been able to show a disregard of human suffering at home. Since the Tories first returned to power in 2010 and then really ramping that callous indifference right up during the pandemic. What government allows an endless culture war debate over masks in a respiratory pandemic? What government allows women holding a vigil to be slammed into the dirt but anti-mask idiots to protest outside vaccination centres? And youngsters terrified for the future of their planet face long prison centres? Not a government that is focused on public health and safety as a priority. Not by appearances. Anyway, this 280 character limit for Tweets needs looking at. I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the old shagger and I can’t give”

But the unusual shows of support will do little to help the sorry state of Mr Johnson’s administration.

“We are looking for a slogan to solve this crisis,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “Something like Get Afghanistan Done could work. Other than that we are flummoxed. What to get Raab to resign for that Johnson hasn’t himself also done?”

Clearly there is intense confusion in the Executive. Not only the initial error of going along with anything prize idiot Donald Trump initiated, but how to solve what it is a deeply damaging furore that shows no sign of stopping.

“We’re firefighting. It’s true. The current position is to pretend the Taliban can be trustworthy partners,” the source said, looking increasingly desperate. “Which is hilarious when you stop and think about it. But then, when you look at how Johnson’s government behaves on the deals it agrees, there’s a kind of sense to it.”

ALL WORK AND NO PAY: One of the positives to emerge from the pandemic is the realisation that many jobs can be done perfectly well from home. After all, if you do a desk job then it doesn’t really matter where that desk is. 

Therefore, the advice from the top is that everyone should head back to the office. It’s as if mobile phones and the Internet never existed. 

This is par for the course. This is a government that insists that up is down, that white is black (unless it refers to the colour of your skin), and that unicorns gambol merrily in the sunlit uplands. 

The first among unequals, Boris Johnson, is vocal about getting out of bed at some godforsaken hour, in order to put on uncomfortable clothes, and waste an hour or more travelling to an unpleasant office in order to be seen working. This is strange, because Johnson has never really done this himself. 

Even stranger, this announcement comes at a time when any self respecting government minister is not at work. He or she should be sunning himself at the expense of a donor who expects a favour in return. 

Well, someone has to work while the bosses are on their jollies. Otherwise we might all start to enjoy ourselves. 

The Great British Public will feel inspired by this. They will rush straight back to the rush hour, on the word of a gilded chancer who wouldn’t know honest hard work if it slapped him round the face with an oven ready kipper. 

So it’s a massive cheer for being squeezed into overcrowded trains without any obligation to take covid precautions. That’s OK, because we Got Covid Done in the same way as we Got Brexit Done. Yes. 

It’s almost as if the government neither cares nor learns its lessons. 

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : Mass panic is being reported up and down the length and breadth of Blighty today after loyal voters realised that the food supplies of their MPs maybe at risk.

Clearly many are not aware that the risk is not immediate as most MPs are currently enjoying their summer recess on the Continent. There is however a danger that the best of us will be caught up in the food supply crisis when they reluctantly trudge back home to face what they’ve inflicted on the rest of us.

Ever forward thinking Mr Johnson has met with his advisors and decided on a solution to calm the fraying nerves of the people.

“He’s having Priti Patel order the Police to seize local fruit and veg allotments,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Don’t tell anyone I told you though or I’ll be for it. If you’ve never seen Ms Patel in a rage in the office you’re fortunate.”

It’s believed the decision to seize locally grown produce will allow the owners of allotments to focus on what’s important.

“It’s about promoting community spirit,” the source continues. “It’s not going to be very good for public order if old Gary is sitting there on a mountain of marrows while his neighbour Beth is scouring the high road for a carrot. So if the general public are all in the same boat it will help everyone pull in the same direction.”

Ensuring that MPs are well fed through the crisis they’ve inflicted on the rest of us will do wonders for morale.

“It’ll really bring the public together. Seeing little tubby Francois still all tubby. Old Boris out running trying to shift the flab. Meanwhile you’re grubbing in the dirt of your peasants backyard hoping there’s a new potato somewhere? It’s a Very British Food Shortage. I expect the BBC will make a film about it.”

SPAFFER SPATCHCOCKED : The Tory Party is said to be in a restless mood at the moment as Mr Johnson continues his one man impersonation of a living, breathing disaster. The human zeppelin of governance is making a titanic success of both the pandemic and Brexit. Now that the Brexit con is complete, how long will they let old Bunter hang on?

The answer to that may lie in how long it takes the secret society which governs the party to choose the successor, before they make a public display of holding a contest. The kittens are being bagged for the altar as we speak. The dark hoods donned and the kleptocratic, internationalist clique which bankrolls the Tories asked to memorise the codewords and come along for the “day of deciding”.

“There’s a few names in the hat,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views, as he drank a bubbling elixir to allow him to see into the Netherworld and better make his choice.

“There’s Satan. There’s Pestilence. There’s some grey skinned fellow without a nose who claims to come from somewhere called Zargon-2B0. Wherever that is. Apparently they have a booming tax haven industry, so he gets consideration. We’re moving into space don’t you know! Just as soon as we Get Brexit ReDone. By the time we’ve finished promising to act on Climate Change we’ll have to move into space! Ha! Did you know my grandfather was the first man to use sands from the Sahara to jam a camera lens? True story. What were we talking about again? The potion is kicking in. Who are you? Who am I? Who really is running the country? Are you all mad? Aren’t you paying attention to what we’re doing to you? Why the hell do you let us keep being the government? Pass the salt please, I’ve got some wounds to rub.”

While the 1922 Committee is clearly stark raving mad, we do have a short list of the possible successors.

There’s Rishi Sunak. A bookies favourite, but so mired in the mistakes that worsened the pandemic any rival should be able to take him out, no matter how professionally he styles his hair.

There’s Liz Truss. Darling of the party, but a cheese block, so let’s just move on.

There’s Dominic Raab. Intensely dense, he’s in with a shot. And he’s got some distance between himself and the pandemic.

There’s Michael Gove. But having left his wife seems like a sign he’s already bowed out.

There’s Sajid Javid, he wants to kill them all and let God sort them out. He’s a high profile useful idiot. He’ll be left out too.

The list goes on. But whoever is chosen it’ll still be Rupert Murdoch.

E PLURIBUS UNUM: Under new English Purity regulations, any person in the UK able to speak a foreign language will be deported. Exceptions to this linguistic cul-de-sac include Latin speakers. 

“Are langwidge is dyin’,” announced Priti Patel as the policy was unveiled. “Anyone talkin’ forrin will be assumed to be a traitor to Ingerland, and I will be deportin’ them. I will be takin’ decisive action, and I have already appointed Lord Digby Jones to police people droppin’ the “G” off of the endin’ of words.”

Why the exception for Latin? 

“Latin, or ‘Lating‘ once Digby gets to work, is an enthrallin’ tong,” snapped Patel. “It’s wot da kidz is lernin’ in da hood, or Eton as you elitists probably call it. It’s been ingrained in the langwidge for, like, years bro, innit, and we isn’t called da Conservative Party for nuffin’!” 

Schadenfreude aside, what do the Great British People think? LCD Views visited the brand-new internment camp for people who don’t speak like Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

“It’s cowing ridiculous!” said Perry Barr from Birmingham. “I’m in here because I said ‘Bostin’ to a policeman!” 

Barr revealed that the camp was full of Scots, Welsh, Scousers and Geordies, the Welsh and Gaelic speakers in solitary confinement. 

“We ‘ave to tike elocution lessons, roight,” said Barr. “To mike us tork proper posh. If you won’t say ‘parse the grarse’ they put you on the next floight to Ascension Oisland.” 

The camp manager, Job Sworth, had a different slant on things.

“If one is in England, one must speak the Queen’s English,” he declared in impeccable Received Pronunciation. “Use of anything else, except Latin of course, is evidence of intellectual elitist EU-loving treachery.” Bostin is not an English word. Would Jacob Rees-Mogg say Bostin? No. Would the Queen say Bostin? No. Precisely the point. This anti-democratic use of non-English words and phrases must be stamped out or we will all end up speaking German!” 

Wunderbar. 

SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE: The rules are there to protect everyone, claims Crime Minister Boris “The Virus Man” Johnson. Particularly himself, it seems. 

“It’s very simple, folks,” Johnson waffled in a suspiciously pre-recorded statement. “Follow the rules, follow the science, follow the van, don’t dilly dally on the way, build back better, levelling up, erm, erm, yes, no, wiff waff, vaccines!” 

Characteristic clarity, we can all agree. 

“Rules are there to help us all get through this pandemic,” he continued, gamely attempting to sound grave. “And if I don’t like the rules, then I change them, because freedom is the way to beat the virus. And vaccines. Lots of lovely vaccines. So follow the rules, follow the science, follow… yes, no, erm, I’ve already done that bit, wiff waff, and if I change the rules without telling anyone, then tough. It’s up to you now! Vaccines vaccines vaccines!”

Science is a wonderful thing. It takes all the available evidence and draws reasoned conclusions. Government Science, however, operates in reverse. Government Science takes the desired conclusion and twists the evidence to fit. 

The Johnson government excels at Government Science. 

Freedom Day is just one example. “Data, not dates,” they crowed sanctimoniously, before fixing a date and ignoring the data. 

LCD Views decided to investigate a little deeper, so we spoke to the ubiquitous anonymous Number Ten source. 

“Follow the rules, how much clearer can we be?” said the Source irritably. 

What are the current rules on, say, wearing a mask in public?

“You should wear a mask if you like,” said the Source. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Simple.” 

How does that help public health? 

“Public health? What the devil has this got to do with public health?” exclaimed the Source. “It’s about sowing confusion and dodging responsibility. Good day to you.” 

You should follow the rules, then. But not if you don’t like the rules. Seems fair. 

NOT WAVING DROWNING : Important news from Chequers today as the U.K. Prime Minister Spaffer Johnson begins his period of self-isolation in the cramped confines of the country estate.

“He’s just like your average voter,” a source inside the mansion told LCD Views. “When notified that he’d been in contact with a confirmed case, in this case his Health Secretary, he wondered at first if he could flout the rules and carry on like normal? This not being possible he hightailed it out of dodge so he had 1,500 acres to isolate in. This does actually make the public a lot safer.”

But critics have suggested that the mere physical removal of the country’s Prime Minister from central London makes no difference while he’s still in post.

“I mean the guy who took your freedom of movement across an entire continent off you is telling you today is freedom day as the lethal virus rages in the U.K.? As other countries exercise their sovereignty and tell us to stay away? He’s an arch pisstaker, I’ll give him that. Field Marshall Gaslight.”

Clearly the real flaw in the most recent debacle is the public getting to find out the Health Secretary has the virus to begin with.

“It’s a total joke. We’re supposed to be building a fascist autocracy and leaks like this keep happening? There will need to be a full and thorough inquiry to work out how the public keeps learning things that are in the public interest. Like how incompetent the ministers are.”

But there will at least be consistent, strong and stable leadership from the PM while he hides from the consequences of his choices at Chequers.

“Be in no doubt, your Prime Minister will continue to self isolate from personal responsibility during his stay at Chequers. Even when he’s having a lie in.”