Category: Governing the people

Fears are growing in the temple of the high priests at Westminster that their ruler may have misread the Mayan calendar when seeking the date the world as we know it now ends.

“We really looked at it really hard,” temple novice Mordaunt advised LCD Views’ Make-it-up correspondent.

“We didn’t just pick 11pm 29/03/19 out of a hat you know. We cross referenced it with the calendar used by the empire across the water to make sure they knew that we meant business.”

It’s believed the preferred date was actually the 1st April 2019, but there were concerns that this day might lead to speculation the temple wasn’t serious because it would clash with an annual festival called April Fools Day.

“We’re going to have to do both the long and the short count all over again. It maybe wise to wait for further auspicious signs before deciding on the precise moment we destroy the old order and begin a powerful new magic kingdom. You know, comets in the sky, volcanoes under car manufacturing, tidal waves sweeping away trade at Dover, that sort of thing.”

But critics of the indecision have also weighed into the discussion by demanding they just end it all now and see what the empire across the water thinks of it.

“The best way to ensure we take all our treasure into the next world is to not give anyone any warning that we’re going at all, so they can’t escape.”

While there is clearly indecision in the temple corridors and the Mayan calendar will need to be consulted again, one thing seems certain, and that is a single day to celebrate fools each year may soon be 364 days too few.

A government minister has appeared on state TV during the night to deny rumours of a coup.

“There is ah, well, absolutely, totally unfounded, any suggestion that I and my good colleague Boris are attempting a coup is completely unfounded,” the minister stated, although eyebrows were raised by his military fatigues.

In spite of the statement many seem to think it’s more likely he is on manoeuvres in alliance with Boris Johnson.

“It’s likely they’ve stitched up some stupid pact again,” LCD Views chief political correspondent, K. Luensberg mused.

“Boris is naive. He seems to think because Gove came off the worse for it last time they played the devil to each other’s Faust, that he’ll not try it again. Whereas Gove hasn’t had a human feeling since he was excessively potty shamed as an eight year old and is very ready to plunge the knife into Boris’ back all over again, using the scars of last time as guides.”

He’ll just try and push a little harder and a bit more frenzied this time.

“The plan is most likely to be to make Boris prime minister and Gove chancellor of the exchequer, only Gove will try and trip Boris up as he skips up the step into Downing Street with some muck Williamson gave him out of his black book when he was whip. Then Gove becomes PM and Williamson moves out of the defence ministry into Chancellor. Once there he can savagely beat Gove about the head politically and become prime minister. Everyone is planning short term in the country’s best interests.”

It’s not sure how the country will react to the government minister’s appearance.

“Most people will probably try and keep their heads down and wait it out. I doubt anyone will believe a word, after all, it is Michael Gove. An actual talking toerag would have more credibility.”

Philip Hammond was rumoured to be preparing to depart the office of chancellor today after waking in the night, it is said, to find Michael Gove sitting on the edge of his bed.

“He’s terrified,” a caller claiming to be Gladstone, the exchequer cat, told LCD Views.

“Hammond is generally kept under lock and key to avoid fights anyway, so to wake and find something that appears monstrously reptilian in the dark on his bed has him spooked beyond words.”

It’s already believed that the atmosphere at 11 Downing Street varies between morose to horror at the best of times.

This is a result of Hammond owning a calculator and continually forecasting the country’s financiers with Brexit in the future.

“Boris drops by each morning too,” Gladstone continued. “He appears to have some sort of skeleton key. Hammond orders the lock changed on the door daily, but each morning when he sits down to breakfast on half a grapefruit and a glass of goat’s milk, there’s Boris at his table having a fry up.”

It’s not certain what Boris says, but Gladstone believes he rambles on merrily about becoming prime minister any day now and replacing Hammond with Gove as chancellor as payment for his part in the plot.

“He normally finishes up his sausages and eggs before grabbing Hammond’s calculator and writing boob on it with the eight and zero.”

Hammond knows his days are numbered, according to Gladstone.

“Each time May picks up the phone to scream at him to find more money he tells her there isn’t any left. This isn’t going down well. He’s supposed to be a post-factual chancellor, because that’s the guiding agenda for the entirety of government.”

Gladstone adds that he is uncertain about his own future at 11 Downing Street too.

“My main task is to radiate excessive self confidence not founded in anything resembling reality, before cleaning my bum. Once Gove moves in, I’ll be out of a job too.”

The Prime Minister is rumoured to be behind a front page portrait festival on the cover of the Torygraph today to warn mutineer Tory MPs to stop meddling in her autocracy.

It’s believed fifteen rebel MPs have already told the whip they will not vote for complete and absolute lunacy, couple with autocratic powers for the government, when it comes time to put their hands up over the EU Withdrawal Bill.

“Clearly some of us will vote for something a little fruity and crazy. Just not full blown madness,” one rebel told LCD anonymously.

This vicious rebuke is said to have the PM and the coup leaders keeping her captive livid.

It’s not all bad news for the government though. Various Labour MPs named mostly after agricultural matters, such as Field and Hoe-y, are prepared to make up for the alarming shortfall in reckless ignorance of fact, should it be needed when the time comes.

“We don’t know what old Corbyn will do when it comes to it either,” an avid Westminster watching said, “he’s throwing down a few red lines in the past and then just voted with May anyway.”

But just maybe now, with enough red lights flashing warning that the country is flying headfirst into the fan, Labour will finally go Gandalf on Brexit.

“That would bring down the government,” the watcher noted, “presumably that’s what Labour and even the sane Tories want?”

Presumably.

In the meantime we will be framing the front page and putting it on the wall in the kitchenette of our headquarters, just to know, that somewhere in government, a lucid sense of what is democratic still survives.

Jeremy Hunt maybe forced to deny rumours that the murky figures hold a “kompromat” tape of him giving blood.

The tape, believed to be recorded nearly ten years ago, is said to be a little out of focus, but it is claimed Mr Hunt is potentially identifiable sat in a chair donating.

“He’ll be out of a job if it’s true,” an aide inside the PM’s office hypothesised.

“It’s a clear breach of party membership rules. Well, she’ll beg him to resign. What he does is up to him ultimately, of course, May governs by consent. She’s very modern in that way.”

If proven it will also be a glaring dereliction of duty, however retrospect, for a true blooded Tory health minister charged with piecemeal sale of the NHS.

It’s not clear what the holders of the tape could be demanding in order to keep it in its box and off the internet, but it’s almost certainly linked to privatisation of the NHS.

“It’s a murky web,” LCD’s security correspondent Heather Mills commented.

“I suggest follow the money. You link a private contractor in the NHS to a firm in which Trump has an interest and that will take you back to the source. It’ll be all about money at the end of the day. It always is.”

In the interim NHS blood bank staff are warned to be on the watch for anyone lingering near to a fridge, as it’s thought however long ago the mishap was, the health secretary won’t rest until he gets every last drop of the accidental donation back. If it happened of course…

A man called Boris Johnson has confirmed, following a live field test, that sorry really is the hardest word.

“It’s an oak doorstop. It’s British bluestone. It’s confoundingly confuddlingly confusesome!” the man bafflingly still Foreign Secretary declared after spending an entire day attempting to say it.

“I struggle to think,” he paused, “what could be a harder word to say than sorry. It’s child’s play when you’re not saying it to another person. But. But by Jupiter scorned by Venus for Mars I can sooner get my chops chomping on a lie the size of a big red bus than say the bally thing when a woman’s life and mental health are on the line.”

The test came about presumably because when Johnson was told to read his briefs, he decided to just wing it instead and perhaps read his actual underwear briefs?

“He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t,” LCD’s Great Powers correspondent noted.

“He’s a senior British official who’s managed to land himself smack bang in the palm of a foreign power.

May is driving Brexit forward for the benefit of foreign powers, potentially.

God only knows what Priti Patel was up to? Trying to arrange to send overseas aid money to a foreign military?

And now this Johnson is Iran’s toy. Why doesn’t he just get on a plane now and go and ask what they want to let her go?

You really have to ask yourself if it’s fair to ask any of them to say sorry, because it’s obvious all of them knows not what they do.”

Exciting news for defenders of democracy this morning with the revelation that the EU Withdrawal Bill will write Chairman May’s thought on Brexit into UK law.

LCD Views spoke to our Democracy is Possible correspondent to discover more.
“Brexit means Brexit,” Ms S Ham proudly revealed. “That is our great leader’s biggest thought on Brexit.”

It’s believed it was a close run thing with red, white and blue Brexit also a contender for immortalising into the constitution we kinda have and kinda don’t.

“There will be a ceremony after the successful vote on the bill and Ms May will personally chisel her famous thought into a granite slab that will stand alongside Winston Churchill on Westminster Green.

“There’s even rumours that a hologram will be projected onto the sculpture of Winston’s face with footage of the great leader’s lips perpetually repeating the deep thought, but only until a bronze of Theresa May can be cast to replace the old bulldog.”

As to what May thinks English characteristics are, we had to request our correspondent dig back through transcripts of previous speeches and actions to see what May thinks.

“Flexibility and imagination is mentioned a lot during her reign. Generosity with food is huge. Look at all the food banks that have opened during her time. So the classic, queuing is there too. Oh, and a breezy use of xenophobia for cheap short term political gain. That’s probably the biggest.”

Labour is said to be pushing for an amendment however which will force the government to leave space for a photo of Jeremy Corbyn at Glastonbury to go on too, if and when he becomes Chairman Jezza.

Prime Minister Theresa May is outraged at the suggestions that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are trying to control her. “It’s me pulling the strings, not them,” she reportedly snapped, when asked who was actually running the country.

Gove appeared recently on the Andrew Marr Show, and denied all knowledge of Johnson’s latest gaffe. This seems to be his modus operandi – “I know nothing!” Worryingly these two most inexpert characters have been discovered actually pulling the strings behind the scenes.

Gove repeated the phrase “I know nothing!” over and over again. He only shut up when it was pointed out that he sounded like a famous TV character.

LCD’s Rat-Smelling correspondent paid a visit to Johnson’s office, and discovered him hastily concealing a book entitled “Marionettes Made Easy”. Boris proceeded to charm the pants off your correspondent with an eloquent speech comprised of Latin, random Shakespearian quotes and gibberish.

May may be keeping her enemies too close. Machiavelli’s Guide to Political Brinkmanship and Empty Rhetoric recommends an optimum distance of one arm’s length. Johnson and Gove are close enough to see the whites of her eyes behind her blackout shades.

The curtain is raised, and the motley cast of unsavoury characters prepares to act out their eternal struggle.

And so the puppet show commences. The Constable and the Foreigner are swiftly removed by the swingeing club of Mr Punch (as played by Johnson). Judy (May) takes repeated blows, while parroting empty slogans. The puppeteer makes her jerk around in a wooden fashion.

Streams of Foreigners invade the stage, and are repelled by a string of pork sausages. Judy remains standing – just.

A quick peek backstage reveals the hand of a master puppeteer controlling the entire show. The tragicomedy approaches its climax, and the great God-like Puppet Master smiles. He showers the captivated audience with bile and venom, and smiles again as they beg for more.

A quick pull on a couple of strings, and Mr Punch’s club is raised to apply the coup de grace.

That’s the way to do it!

The Prime Minister was said to be ecstatic today after receiving a letter informing her she has won an award from an environmental pressure group actively working to help her decrease her consumption of power.

‘Give a little Gove’, long known for its deep concern to all issues relating to power, and the environment, made the decision to award Ms May the gong after consultation with like minded activist, Mr. Johnson.

“We don’t always see eye to eye,” M. Gove, chairman of the group is believed to have written to Ms May, “but when it comes to your steadfast commitment to consuming less of the nation’s power day by day, we applaud you.”

The joint decision to write and inform the prime minister is also a heartening return to unity for the power crazed political savages, wait, the deeply concerned environmentalists committed to bringing in a new regime of power use all through government.

“If she continues on the current trajectory,” Mr Gove praised, “she’ll be an example for all of Europe of what a commitment to reducing your own power consumption through 180 degree ideological about faces can do for political legacies.”

But the award is not without controversy.

Various other environmental pressure groups believe writing a physical letter to the prime minister is a wanton squandering of resources and can only serve to increase the output of carbon dioxide from within and about Downing Street.

“They should just get the press to make the announcement,” D. Green chided, “like they did with my award for novel uses of government technology.”

LCD Views approves of the award and would encourage others to applaud alongside.

Some of her policies have left us a little incandescent, but her commitment to the current path, which includes a personal deadline for success, can only ultimately be to everyone’s benefit.

Animal behaviour experts have advised the managers of the Foreign Office China Shop to call in matadors and finally deal with the bull rampaging about the shop floor.

“He’s not going to stop. You can see he’s out of control. Look at all the Royal Doulton he’s broken already! Heaven help us if he has another chaotic run about in the Persian ware section. And the Mings!”

It’s believed the bull initially gained access to the China shop because the head of sales, Ms T. May, found him waiting outside the door on her first day of work and let him inside.

“Apparently she was anxious as to what he might do in the brownfield site next to the car park behind the shop and just opened the door and invited him in. What a baffling choice! You could see he was going to be trouble by the way he’s always dragging those hooves across the floor, even when seemingly immobile for short spells.”

It’s believed it shouldn’t be necessary to harm the bull to get it outside, just stand in the entrance and wave about a red flag that has hearts all over it and he’ll come charging.

“The only other option is to wait until he’s properly trashed the whole showroom, gets bored, and wanders off to greener pastures. But he may well do some serious harm to some of the customers who are trapped inside with him. Reports suggest he’s already badly bruised one lady.”

LCD Views believes action should be taken asap. Call the matadors! Who is going to want to shop at the Foreign Office China Shop while a bull is rampaging about, smashing carefully crafted porcelain to pieces?