Category: Governing the people

The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was breathing a heartfelt sigh of relief today after pressure eased to publish their impact assessment on dishonesty and incompetence in public office.

“There’s really no need to publish,” a red faced spokesman for Downing Street advised LCD, “it’s plain as day for everyone to see what the impact is, just look at the pound or universal credit.”

The significant saving in stationery costs added to the relief, as it frees up more paper in austere times for David Davis to practice his resignation letter excuses on.

“Also the prime minister. Boris Johnson. Damien Green. Liam Fox and others. It’s really good. People have taken to raiding the paper trays of the office printers, but now we can redistribute the paper we had set aside and let them get on with sentences that begin with, ‘it is with deep regret and a lovely pension that I…’”

And they will need to get drafting as the impact of their combined dishonesty and incompetence is currently enraging significant portions of the electorate and having a negative impact on people’s lives. And it’s not just issues relating to Brexit, pretty much every sector of life has been shafted by endemic incompetence which only serves tax havens. Have a look at the forensic service, just for something different.

“It’s not all bad though,” the spokesman reassured, “imagine if you always dreamed of working for a company on continental Europe, but you’ve been holding off out of fear of what your mum would say?

Now, if you’re one of the lucky millions in the next couple of years, when they tell you your job is moving to France or Germany or wherever, you might be able to go with, because Mum, it’s my job.

And then, once you’ve been resident in an EU member state for a few years you maybe able to apply for permanent residency and then citizenship and escape Brexitannia’s daily singing of the new national anthem to keep head of state Rupert happy.”

The prime minister has moved this evening to shore up the position of her embattled Brexit secretary by clarifying that once they have successfully done Brexit the UK economy will cease to exist, so there is no need for impact assessments.

“Look, everyone knows David Davis is composed of equal parts piss and wind,” a surprisingly frank spokesman for Downing Street advised, “but that’s why he was chosen to be Brexit Secretary.”

They went on to illuminate that we’ll all be so busy trying to untangle the ever changing bluffs and excuses of Mr Davis that we won’t realise the clock has run out until the whole country falls off the famous cliff.

“Once we have successfully begun freefalling down to the glorious rocks of imperial nostalgia, in which Britain just bosses the world for their treasures, the economy will be finished. Thus, anytime spent on impact assessments would have been wasted.”

This makes Davis a visionary and an energy conservationist.

“We will easily be able to do any impact assessment after the impact and it will be a lot more accurate.”

As to whether or not the government has rigged select committees by loading them with useful idiots who will decide Davis is not in contempt of parliament because he couldn’t have delivered the assessments because he never ordered them made, is up to individual voters to decide.

“They should order an impact assessment on their chances of being re-elected after holding the entire country and its future in contempt,” LCD’s Democracy in Action correspondent suggested, before wondering how David Cameron is getting on these days in his fancy shed?

The woman who thinks she is the British prime minister was reminded she is not earlier today by a phone call from her boss in Northern Ireland.

The woman in question was due to announce a breakthrough in the stalled Brexit negotiations with the EU when she was stopped in her tracks by her mobile ringing.

The ringtone is reportedly ‘Ode to Joy’, chosen in a moment of ironic good humour on the weekend when she thought they’d finally scribbled down a way to keep everyone happy on the back of an envelope someone found rolled up and shoved into an empty fag packet.

“Arlene didn’t like what her junior intended to offer on the grounds it is ideologically impure,” an intern working at Downing Street told LCD, “so I think she got on the blower and told May no way, unless you can shake down the money tree for £2Bn Euros. It’s also possible that she is concerned, from her political standpoint, that an exception for Northern Ireland that puts the customs border in the Irish Sea does make a unified Ireland more likely.

But Arlene will probably be surprised to discover that Brexit itself is going to do that regardless because it’s a wrecking ball smashing into the UK and will break it into pieces.

It’s why Dave Cameron buggered off in gutless haste. So maybe, if you don’t want NI to leave the UK, stop supporting Brexit.”

While it is a little embarrassing for Ms May to have the rug pulled from under her feet at the last moment, it has most likely saved her from working out how to say she was prepared to cut a special deal for one region of the UK, on the very real grounds of risks to people being hurt, but every other region will have to carry on and be economically ruined.

No more so because of the possible disproportionate shift of investment and jobs to Northern Ireland to remain in the sanity of the single market and customs union.

“Arlene has saved her own region from a lot of potential employment by her insistence that where she lives must go over the cliff edge with the whole show.”

It’s not imagined what the solution will be now to progress Brexit negotiations to the stage where the much larger economic power of a bloc of nearly half a billion people with some massive economies becomes the first to offer the U.K. a take it or get stuffed trade deal.

“May will work out how to get through to the stage where it is really clear her agenda completely disempowers the UK internationally, and that taking back control means taking it from the UK and gives it to ten people in Northern Ireland temporarily before handing it lock, stock to anyone who cares to boss it.

It’ll just take a bit more time. But stick with her. She’s bound to have another bright idea any moment that will lead to another catch 22 in which the UK comes out looking like a bunch of headless chickens again. It what’s we do now.”

LCD Views has heard from a source inside the Home Office that proposed changes to the immigration rules on skilled worker entry after Brexit is causing alarm as it will see all pro-Brexit MPs deported as none of them possess sufficient skills allowing them to stay.

“It’s a nightmare,” our source revealed, “when they were drafting the new rules they forgot to include ‘inheriting lots of money and privilege’ as a skill.”

The inclusion of this would not have secured the right to remain in the U.K. for all pro-Brexit MPs after March 2019, but it would have secured the majority.

“Really no one saw any of this coming. Apparently tying your shoelaces alone isn’t counted by any sectors of industry as a high skill. So that’s more Brexit backing MPs at risk.

Almost being able to blink both eyes together isn’t what anyone is looking for. Running a political coup to serve offshore interests is not even deemed valuable.

Gove successfully had ‘stabbing people in the back in politics’, but it was deemed to actually be a negative skill by the computer. Davis managed to have ‘hiding important pieces of paper under chairs’, but again, no one actually wants that in the broader economy. Theresa May personally jammed, ‘turning in circles all the time’, but apparently we already have tools called drills that do it. Automation has taken over her key skill.

We’re at a real loss.”

Further complications are bound to arise with the new rules regarding the heritage required to maintain citizenship.

“Anyone foreign or with foreign background. It’s creating more problems! Apparently, as Brexitiannia will only be for ‘proper British people patriot missiles’ anyone with a sniff of foreign blood is going to be deported.

But when we did a sample test we found the majority of the population is on a boat at Dover on the 30th March 2019.”

Still, it’s not all lost, one potential upside will be an alleviation of the problem of food rotting in fields, as there won’t be anyone in the country left to feed.

“We’re going to have to take skills out of the entry requirements or we’ll lose a big piece of Westminster overnight. How would the country manage to govern itself without pro-Brexit MPs?”

LCD Views reports live from the scene today that rescue teams are continuing to scour Westminster for bad news that was abruptly buried yesterday under the media landslide of a royal wedding.

“It’s chaos down here. A big shiny thing has grabbed the attention of the mainstream media and most are failing to notice several elected representatives rushing out with shovels and pieces of paper to bury bad news under the cacophony of the announcement that a couple of people are going to tie the knot and everyone else is going to pay for it.”

It’s believed the biggest potential casualty of the landslide caused by Harry and Meghan was expected (by David Davis) to be his handing over of a heavily edited, recently written school assignment to his tutors.

“He’s a bit miffed. He actually had till today to hand in his work, after getting an extension because he didn’t finish it on time because he was out playing with his friends rather than doing his homework. But he figured when the great big shiny thing happened he would slip it out yesterday and hardly anyone would notice he still hasn’t finished it and he would get top marks,” said a breathless friend of the DExEU secretary.

Also buried under the landslide yesterday was something about sanitary products not going into schools, some other stuff about benefits, and oh, who knows? Look under the rubble! Look especially under the rubble for government press releases hastily pushed out after a couple of kids told everyone they’re tying the knot and you’re not invited!

LCD Views will go on the record and wish them both well and that they have a happy wedding day and live happily ever after, while maintaining our general bafflement at monarchy as a cosmic event. No one in the editor’s office would have wanted to have been born royal. Good luck to them.

Now, if Harry and Meghan could just step to the side so we can search the news rubble underneath them…

LCD Views can announce this morning on behalf of the new Ministry of Bollocks that the government has created a new Ministry of Bollocks.

The primary function of the new ministry will be to produce all bollocks for all ministries of government.

“This will avoid any accusations of dodgy dealings with dubious external think tanks operating as fronts for people who really only have the United Kingdom’s best interests at heart,” K. Hoey MP, Secretary of State for Bollocks advised LCD.

It’s believed the industrial strategy outlined today is the first major work of Hoey’s department, although she is generously allowing others to take the credit.

“Of course our primary function will be Brexit and producing catch phrases to convince the voters that they all support it. But, we will be lending a hand in all areas of government.”

But critics have attacked the government for waste of valuable resources at a time of strain for the public purse.

“It’s a fair criticism to level,” LCD’s own Bollocks correspondent said, “Try and think of one area of public life in which the government is involved directly in that isn’t currently described as being in a crisis? Everything is in a crisis. From defence to forensics to apprenticeships to the NHS and on.”

It’s a fair critique of the current crop deciding the fate of the country.

“They would do better to rationalise resources and merge all ministries into one gigantic Ministry of Bollocks.”

It’s thought Hoey is sympathetic to that, but would resist any move due to the fierce competition that would occur as senior government figures engaged in a struggle to displace her.

“It’s nice that they’ve gifted the job to UKIP’s only Westminster MP though. Kate must be feeling very proud. A new industrial strategy that pretends nothing negative will come from Brexit is a really exceptional work of bollocks.”

Liam Fox  is to seek professional help immediately after accidentally admitting they have no solution to the border problem in Ireland.

Speaking to one of the Sunday morning waffle offerings, the minister concerned was asked about one of the more serious vexations of the Brexit problem.

“We can not solve the Northern Ireland border problem,” he replied, before going pale and adding more words that were so loosely related to reality no credible journalist will repeat them.

“Why aren’t you just asking me about the money we will pay the EU for a free and expansive future trading relationship leading to a deep and meaningful relationship going forward as we leave Europe and flail about like idiots in the middle of the Atlantic waiting for disaster capitalists to profiteer us into the deep?”

Why indeed.

A key part of making a success of Brexit is the media focusing as one eyed as possible on a hypothetical amount of money that May’s government probably has no intention of paying but focus on it as it feeds the bias they seek to further against the EU.

“We can’t use that classic tyrant’s trick of building up a fictional external enemy if commentators unhelpfully focus on real and deadly serious issues like endangering the Northern Ireland peace process with our own actions in order to make men like Nigel Farage, and their puppet masters, happy.”

The consequences of Brexit are so real and so serious and so potentially damaging to so many lives, especially in Northern Ireland and the Republic, that it would be best if everyone doesn’t talk about it until it’s too late and Brexit is unstoppable.

“We would ask everyone just to remember they won, it’s the will of the people, even if we totally screw up the good Friday agreement.”

English people are especially asked to consider how many lives they are prepared to damage charging headfirst with this shambolic and completely heroic act of wishful thinking and imperial nostalgia without sufficient care and any planning.

Anyone who knows what Theresa May and Arlene Foster are saying to one another is asked to add the dialogue in the comments.

Someone must know where the magic wand is that avoids a hard border while also dragging Northern Ireland out of the EU. Oh hang on, Owen Patterson apparently has it.

Please begin to wave it even faster expert Owen so we can see it till it dazzles.

A parliament of owls have launched a petition today for English speaking humans to come up with a new collective noun for them after seeing what’s happening in our own parliament.

“We were shocked,” Reginald, barn owl,16, told LCD’s Animals feel fear correspondent. “A few of us decided to fly past your houses of commons earlier in the week and stop by to see how you do things. We were knocked off our perch by the goings on in that old, shiny house.”

It’s seems the wise old birds had their curiosity sparked after hearing that the collective of our brightest and best felt in, their human wisdom, that animals don’t possess sentience.

“Look, we normally believe it’s best to keep out of the way of people, as best we can, excepting a bit of good natured exchange of labour for food, clearing out vermin etc, but this recent decision has our feathers properly ruffled. Have none of you seen crows making tools?”

It’s believed the owls main concern is the sheer illogical nonsense of parliament’s rejection of animals awareness of fear and joy, and their suspicion it’s only being done to pave the way, post Brexit, to massive inhuman farms being constructed by multi-national corporations who will not care for anything but excess profit.

“You need to pick a new name for us and be smart about it. You had been making so much progress in recent years and that has gone into reverse.

Parliament has always seemed a compliment, but now? We’d have to be daft to stick with it. Much like your Brexit, we think your acting like lemmings.”

The Conservative Party is facing embarrassing calls today from health campaigners who are calling for a recall of celebratory Conservative Crackers on the grounds that every single one contains nuts.

“It’s not true,” a sales rep who works for both Rupert Murdoch and Con HQ responded, “Anna Soubry, Ken Clarke, Dominic Grieve and some others are surprisingly non-nutty.”

The rep went on to say that they actually want to recall the non-nutty Conservative biscuits and re-issue them with nuts inside.

It’s easy to see why they are resistant too.

The Crackers, which were initially packaged in purple and yellow bags, have sold surprisingly well in areas of the country, so much so that the party has already redesigned the packaging to be the standard Tory wrappings.

“The recipe is an old Conservative family favourite anyway. Of course, we trialled it as a supposedly unrelated product, but that was more stalking horse than biscuit.”

But health campaigners are adamant that over consumption of the crackers can lead to a variety of symptoms, not just declining fiscal forecasts.

Consumers are also at risk of symptoms such as,

Impotent fury. Verbal diarrhoea. Nationalistic tendencies that harm international reputation. Being left out of popular clubs. And loss of jobs in a trickle to become a flow across the channel.

“I tried one once,” one of the campaigners confessed, off the record, “but it was so hard I broke a crown.”

LCD Views understands that opinion is less coherent inside the party as to what to do about the recall, with some serious handbags at dawn occurring, but the party is doing their best to conceal the indigestion.

Asked for comment a spokesman for the Workers Party replied,

“You should try our biscuits instead. They still contain the major ingredient nowadays, brexit oats, but they’re flavoured with unicorn meal.”

Whatever happened to good, old fashioned digestives? That’s what we’d like to know.

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office threatens to dazzle the Chancellor into envy on his big day with the attention grabbing announcement that Mr Johnson is to lead a new British expedition to find the Yaifo and instantly colonise them.

“Just being in the vicinity of Boris will turn them into British subjects,” commented Ms Let Thembe, one of the team planning the project.

“They will see this colossus of civilisation coming over the horizon bringing dial up internet and the lumber industry and they will understand instinctively it’s time to bow before the 20th century. I expect they will have already begun construction of a lodge with a bar, they just don’t know why yet.”

It’s thought the move by Mr Johnson is motivated partially by his concern for other people and mostly by his need to be loved.

“He’s just a big puppy really. Scratch his tummy and his back leg kicks. These people who appear to have deliberately chosen to live in an incredibly inaccessible region have only done so because Boris hasn’t had a chance to sleep with any of their wives. It’s understandable.”

But Philip Hammond is said to be incensed by news of the announcement on the day when he was to be in the spotlight.

“Phil doesn’t like coming out of his neat and orderly cave,” a handler for the Chancellor observed, “‘most mornings we can’t even get him to have his breakfast until he’s counted all his rocks and made sure they are in the position he placed them the evening before. He doesn’t really like bright lights. He doesn’t like other people, although as most of the people he sees each day are crazed and hate him because he’s not ideologically pure, well…”

It’s also a little curious as to why Mr Johnson should get in the way today of all days.

“Philip was announcing as part of his budget speech that all the money currently wasted on overseas aid was going to be split now between a foreign military and Boris’ expedition to sneeze cultures onto the Yaifo. This is very puzzling to us all.”

LCD Views has a theory as to why Mr Johnson has chosen to steal the limelight off his peer though, and it’s something to do with Phil’s rumoured reluctance to shell out and pay the Iranians for Nazanin’s release, thus saving Boris Johnson from himself.

“I hope the Yaifo like bubbling blonde boy’s running nude through their village holding bottles of Bollinger. Because unless Phil changes his mind over that already forgotten Iran mix up, that’s what they’re getting. Keep the people distracted and Boris has a get out of jail free card. Works for me!”