Category: Governing the people

DATES NOT DATA SILLY : Downing Street has moved to reassure Global Britons that the long anticipated reopening of England will occur on schedule, in the face of concerns that rising variant caseloads make 21st June untenable.

“The Prime Minister declared at the start of this year when he unveiled his roadmap out of his avoidable pandemic that June 21st was immovable,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman reminded the nation. “He meant it just as forcefully as a wedding vow. It is immovable as the date for complete ending of lockdown restrictions. The actual date itself, 21st June, is clearly completely tactile and can occur wherever and whenever we choose thanks to the arbitrary nature of human interpretations of time itself.”

When June 21st will occur is still the focus of debate as there are a number of rebellious Tory MPs who just do not care who lives or dies. Zero concern. Just there as taxpayer funded servants of international tax evaders. Your sacrifice is appreciated.

”Sometime in July would clearly be preferable for June 21st 2021, although August and September are also under consideration. It all depends on the complex interaction of pisspoor governance and the NHS making up for our shortcomings with an accelerating vaccination programme.”

People who have already booked holidays beginning on June 21st are reassured they will still occur.

“If you did trust our roadmap you’re impressively optimistic!” the spokesman chortled. “You can still take that holiday booked for June 21st. I would guess the day after September 30th as June 21st occurring then interferes neither with September or plans for an October lockdown. Just be aware if you have days booked following June 21st in June you’ll need to rebook them to occur on June 21st also.”

BORRIENATION STREET : 10 DOWNING STREET LEAKS suggest today that the viral Prime Minister and his former mistress are concerned their nuptials may not distract U.K. press for longer than a few days.

”The last thing we need is everyone going back to reporting on Cummings stating the bleeding obvious about the catastrophic mismanagement of the pandemic,” a make believe scribbled note seen by media reads.

“Or Brexit. We can’t have people talking about Kent and the climate change disaster that it now is being full of idling trucks and floodlit 24/7. Never mind how we’re effectively paying the fishermen to be silent. Farmers next. Then hauliers. How much will it cost to shut up the country sector by sector? More than a shiny new boat.”

Obviously the priority is that everyone is happy so that Mr Johnson and his current wife can enjoy some much needed rest after the rushed wedding.

“We’re considering triggering the mass distraction contingency planning. Demolishing the Houses of Parliament to make way for a coliseum will buy a few days grace. This will lead to radical criminal justice reforms as the sentence for every crime will become gladiatorial combat. Maybe also a second miracle birth for Carrie. We got away with the first one. Happily there’s a few to choose from. I personally favour staging the Churchill shrine weeping blue, white and red tears.”

It’s not yet clear which path will be chosen. The decision is likely to be too late and last minute as that concentrates attention on Mr Johnson.

“The key point to remember is not 150,000 avoidable dead. It’s that the prime minister is no more and no less than a celebrity newspaper columnist. As long as we’re all focused on his preventable disasters than in his mind he’s a success.”

SOILED SOILS : Downing Street has issued a notice today that all U.K. farms are to close immediately in preference for alternative supplies of food.

Rumours say the startling decision comes off the back of “an offer too good to refuse” which was sent to a cabinet minister via WhatsApp.

The minister concerned hasn’t been identified but it is believed to be the Health Secretary. Mr Hancock has become famous for arranging supplies of vital equipment via the messaging service throughout the pandemic. Whether or the not the price is market rate and the equipment useable isn’t of concern. The same rigour will be applied to transferring taxpayers’ money for food.

“I can confirm that the new supplier of all the food the U.K. needs has carved a tidy and profitable niche for themselves in PPE. It’s a natural extension to move into food.”

It’s further suggested the mystery supplier will receive the contract to supply “all food” uncontested and the deal is worth “Trillions. Enough to buy entire villages worth of Georgian mansions.”

Happily the U.K. consumer will not notice any serious difference from today as “the food will all be packaged in Union Flags and is definitely likely to be edible by something.”

How U.K. farmers will take the news of their immediate redundancy has not been explored because “Brexit has been delivered and they’ve outlived their usefulness.”

Anyone concerned however that the Prime Minister’s food supply may become substandard need not worry as he’ll “continue to receive thousands and thousands of pounds of luxury food delivered to Downing Street as befits a ruling monarch.”

Mars has shocked the Solar System’s diplomatic community with its decision to deport the Mars rover, Perseverance, for apparently breaching its strict immigration laws. The red planet’s President, Kenneth Cgkalrsjjytq, claimed that Perseverance has not applied for the visa required by all Third Planet Nationals. Additionally, it has failed to supply proof of sufficient funds to support itself, and has no job offer from a Martian employer.

Earth has responded robustly by claiming that Mars is simply punishing the planet for leaving the planetary union known as the Solar System. ‘They needed us more than we needed them,’ said World Home Secretary, Pitee Painful. ’In future, Martians will no longer be permitted to visit remote, desolate, sparsely populated areas like Idaho, Uzbekistan or Norfolk without prior consent and the completion of the Anal Probing Licence Application, accompanied by a valid invitation, of course. Moreover, Martians currently held, er, visiting Area 51 must go home.’ She was asked by the journalists whether Mars would no longer be on the so-called green list. ‘Well, it is known as the Red Planet ha ha ha,’ she added.

Mr Cgkalrsjjytq responded by saying that Earthlings will always be welcome provided that they adhere to the rules. These includes a continuing ban on stag and hen parties. ‘And Mr Stanley Johnson will of course be allowed to come to prepare his house for the tourist season.’

In other related news, Pluto has rejected the proposed trade deal with Earth. ‘Where was Earth when the Solar System decided we weren’t big enough to be a planet, eh?’ said President @&/“-!*•.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Exciting developments in the food charity sector today as the Prime Minister is rumoured to have personally intervened to cheer everyone up.

“The Prime Minister was enjoying foi gras, Bollie of course, lobster thermidor, veal, baby seal and a dessert of the pickled tears of orphans last night when it hit him square between the eyes,” a 10 Downing Street source said, and no they aren’t referring to a paternity test.

“Queuing at food banks would clearly be made more exciting if you could be guaranteed Dominic Raab would appear for a photoshoot while you waited your turn there with your reusable plastic bags. We can’t do that. But we can rename the uplifting outlets to something more patriotic. After all, what is more important than food for the soul?”

Clearly this is the way forward, especially in an era of increasing job insecurity and lower benefits.

“It really is a masterstroke. All British food banks will be renamed Great British Food Banks as soon as possible. Fluorescent signage. The lot. Even one of those inflatables that waves its arms about to attract attention. Union Flag pattern of course. The contract for the new store fronts will be handed out to a Tory donor to ensure action is taken as fast as is humanely possible.”

Critics have suggested with the PM’s much trumpeted plan to “level back better” the food banks will soon be obsolete and the new signage not required. We put this to Downing Street and they laughed so hard we feared someone would get injured.

“Remember, when you’re laying in the gutter you have to look to the stars. They hover over Great British Food Banks and twinkle like a patriot’s famine wracked eyes.”

Take a bow Global Britain. Sorry. That should be Great Global Britain. You’re about to host the G7 and you’ve MPs who pose for photos at Great British Food Banks.

LOVE ME LOVE ME SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME : The UK’s Prime Minister Alexander lots of words Johnson is now firmly established as world beating in many sectors. He’s beaten the country with a pandemic. He’s beaten the rights of ordinary people by removing freedom of movement. He’s beaten the fishing industry. He’s now beating up farming. He’s trashed the sanctity of marriage and the responsibility of the parent to raise children in a secure family environment. He’s beaten the economy. He’s allowed Patel to beat up the ministerial code until it is bloodied and senseless. He’s tortured the idea of language as a means of clear communication. The list is long and it goes on and on. Now he needs a new challenge.

“He’s on a personal mission to see how far he can push the envelope,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Daily the envelope grows fatter and daily the effort needed to push it more intense. It’s why he is so popular. People can’t believe he’s so magnificent.”

The one drawback appears to be finding new challenges. Finding new ways to screw an entire country over and remain popular. But he’s up to it.

“Thanks to Brexit the UK will now become a technological and innovation superstar. Take that Brussels! We’re now investing billions into a giant magnetic that can drag asteroids out of orbit and fling them wherever we like. It’s very impressive. It’s the next chapter in the story of Boris.”

And where will the first asteroid captured be flung?

“Straight into our own faces. Where else?! Who needs a Manchurian Candidate when you’ve got Boris being Boris.”

The asteroid’s first target will be the Home Counties.

“Probably Kent. Their support for Brexit makes them the best target to see how deep is the love for Boris. How far can he push it to fill the unquenchable need for validation he’s carried since childhood.”

SUB PRIME PEERAGES : FANTASTIC opportunities for the country’s high street shoppers with the slashing of the cost of peerages. Neatly timed too with the reopening of “non-essential” retail.

The value of being a Lord or Lady has been tumbling for a while after Boris Johnson used the honour system to stuff the House of Lords with Brexiters requiring a payoff.

“Just making Goldsmith a peer and retaining him as a minister slashed the value by 10%. The people threw him out on his ear at a GE and before he had a chance to bounce Johnson had ennobled him and stuffed him into the Lords. Then there’s Fox. Another 10%. So on like this. But Lord Frost has basically turned peerages into something the equivalent of junk bonds.”

While for some this may seem to undermine the democratic legitimacy of the unelected upper house, for people looking for a way to cheer themselves up after a long lockdown winter it’s a golden opportunity.

“We’ve all got that member of the family, normally an ageing male, who wants a coat of arms to appear impressive to their peers. Well now you can just rock down to the local pound store and pick up a peerage. You can imagine how envious they’ll be when they have to call you Lord or Lady. Ha! Especially as they can’t be seen dead in the pound store themselves. Total stitch-up.”

Although some punters are said to be holding off buying their peerage even now and waiting to see what LORD Frost does next.

“If he carries on his current trajectory of agreeing deals with the EU, proclaiming them a British negotiating success and then about facing twenty four hours later to claim the EU is abusing the UK and he wants to renegotiate? Mate. You won’t be able to give a peerage away. This just proves that giving inadequate people high status so they’ll do whatever you ask them to is a boon for British shoppers.”

ALEXANDER DE PEFEFFEL BORIS JOHNSON : Bad times in the No 11 Downing Street flat this morning as reports of “two blows landing one after another” leak from the creaky ship of state.

The left hook appears to be the Prime Minister’s “deep shock” at the “out of character” behaviour of his Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“Ms Patel has a reputation for removing people from the country with a ruthless efficiency completely devoid of human feeling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“That’s why she is in her job.”

We realise that.

“Remember the footage of Boris Johnson refusing to shake hands with those two black delegates at Tory Conference?”

Yes. Here’s the link.

“Remember all his colourful language in columns over years? Remember how he plays to the basest instincts of the electorate? THAT’S WHY PATEL IS HOME SECRETARY. An individual so devoid of human feeling, so cleansed of empathy she is perfect to keep the dirty deeds at arm’s length. Her failure yesterday has rocked the PM. Now he has to fight Scotland full on. You remember the Glasgow Airport terrorist incident? Boris Johnson is a bully. Bullies run from serious danger. He does not want to have to take Glasgow on. God damn you Priti! Damn you to hell!”

What was the second blow?

“Oh, the right hook was Carrie deciding she wants to change the wallpaper. Again. Maybe difficult to find a donor to pay for it.”