Category: Governing the people

SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE: The rules are there to protect everyone, claims Crime Minister Boris “The Virus Man” Johnson. Particularly himself, it seems. 

“It’s very simple, folks,” Johnson waffled in a suspiciously pre-recorded statement. “Follow the rules, follow the science, follow the van, don’t dilly dally on the way, build back better, levelling up, erm, erm, yes, no, wiff waff, vaccines!” 

Characteristic clarity, we can all agree. 

“Rules are there to help us all get through this pandemic,” he continued, gamely attempting to sound grave. “And if I don’t like the rules, then I change them, because freedom is the way to beat the virus. And vaccines. Lots of lovely vaccines. So follow the rules, follow the science, follow… yes, no, erm, I’ve already done that bit, wiff waff, and if I change the rules without telling anyone, then tough. It’s up to you now! Vaccines vaccines vaccines!”

Science is a wonderful thing. It takes all the available evidence and draws reasoned conclusions. Government Science, however, operates in reverse. Government Science takes the desired conclusion and twists the evidence to fit. 

The Johnson government excels at Government Science. 

Freedom Day is just one example. “Data, not dates,” they crowed sanctimoniously, before fixing a date and ignoring the data. 

LCD Views decided to investigate a little deeper, so we spoke to the ubiquitous anonymous Number Ten source. 

“Follow the rules, how much clearer can we be?” said the Source irritably. 

What are the current rules on, say, wearing a mask in public?

“You should wear a mask if you like,” said the Source. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Simple.” 

How does that help public health? 

“Public health? What the devil has this got to do with public health?” exclaimed the Source. “It’s about sowing confusion and dodging responsibility. Good day to you.” 

You should follow the rules, then. But not if you don’t like the rules. Seems fair. 

NOT WAVING DROWNING : Important news from Chequers today as the U.K. Prime Minister Spaffer Johnson begins his period of self-isolation in the cramped confines of the country estate.

“He’s just like your average voter,” a source inside the mansion told LCD Views. “When notified that he’d been in contact with a confirmed case, in this case his Health Secretary, he wondered at first if he could flout the rules and carry on like normal? This not being possible he hightailed it out of dodge so he had 1,500 acres to isolate in. This does actually make the public a lot safer.”

But critics have suggested that the mere physical removal of the country’s Prime Minister from central London makes no difference while he’s still in post.

“I mean the guy who took your freedom of movement across an entire continent off you is telling you today is freedom day as the lethal virus rages in the U.K.? As other countries exercise their sovereignty and tell us to stay away? He’s an arch pisstaker, I’ll give him that. Field Marshall Gaslight.”

Clearly the real flaw in the most recent debacle is the public getting to find out the Health Secretary has the virus to begin with.

“It’s a total joke. We’re supposed to be building a fascist autocracy and leaks like this keep happening? There will need to be a full and thorough inquiry to work out how the public keeps learning things that are in the public interest. Like how incompetent the ministers are.”

But there will at least be consistent, strong and stable leadership from the PM while he hides from the consequences of his choices at Chequers.

“Be in no doubt, your Prime Minister will continue to self isolate from personal responsibility during his stay at Chequers. Even when he’s having a lie in.”

SUPER SPREADER IN CHIEF : The UK’s world leading pandemic leader, and also prime minister, is to pick up where he left off early last year.

With all restrictions set to be lifted in England from Monday Mr Johnson is reported to be planning to lead by example, as England becomes the global epicentre of failed infectious disease control.

It is said that he will spend the week dressed in a range of outfits and visit as many locations as possible, with his unmasked team, to really give the next stage of the pandemic a boost.

“First off he’s going to dress as a scientist and ignore safety guidance and spread whatever he can around a high security laboratory,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Tuesday the photoshoot will be at a primary school. Big beaming smiles and kids playing along because they want their parents to come home again. We all know schools in England are immune to all infectious microbes. Especially cold ones. This has successfully guided the PM’s response to the pandemic so far. Just look at the numbers we’re hitting!”

But the prize turkey will be making the biggest show when he visits an NHS hospital.

“We’re not going to make a success of our experiment in mass delusion if people are still afraid to die or be maimed to ensure the success of Mr Johnson’s reign. So hospitals will have to take a serious hit in the coming weeks and months. They’re great targets as the staff can’t strike. If they do people will die. Happily that’s not a concern that overly burdens the PM.”

It’s said that Mr Johnson will shake hands with everyone possible in the hospital, just to ensure the range of symptoms patients present are “levelled up” across the wards and amongst the staff.

“We can get the pandemic done!” the source adds. “It’s a choice. And your government has chosen the path where some of you will die, and they’re okay with that.”

DEMONSTRATIN’ YOUR LOYALTY: The new Policin’ Bill has clarified the new rules surroundin’ protestin’ in the UK. The only people allowed to protest will be the only ones who never go on a demo ever. 

This is a good thing, insists the Go Home Secretary, Priti Patel. 

“Protests and demonstrations are public gatherin’s of more than zero individuals,” she explained after the launch of the Bill. “This makes them superspreadin’ events, and are illegal under coronavirus rules. Even though we are now legislatin’ covid out of existence.” 

So whenever two or three are gathered in the name of justice… 

“They will be breakin’ the rules!” trilled Patel. “The police will be instructed to remove the protestors, since the very act of protestin’ means they have forfeited their sovereign right to protest!” 

And what will happen to the protestors? 

“They will be thrown into prison!” cried Patel. “I personally will be throwin’ away the key! We will have law and order in this country. Firm but fair!” 

Will you be givin’ the police greater powers? 

“The police will have the policin’ powers to police the streets powerfully,” Patel clarified. “And if this means clappin’ that awful chap with the placards and the megaphone who keeps disturbin’ the peace with his repulsive anti-Brexit caterwaulin’ in irons, so be it!” 

So it really is crackin’ a nut with a sledgehammer. 

“It means we can imprison whoever we like!” screeched Patel in a fit of honesty. “Anyone who looks like they aren’t embracin’ Brexit. Anyone wearin’ a face covering without a Union Jack on. Anyone lookin’ miserable, bringin’ the country to its knees by not smirkin’!” 

Which is why this new rule applies. 

“Protestin’ will only be legal if you aren’t protestin’ and never have done and never will!” she confirmed. “I don’t see anyone arguin’, and even if they did I could arrest them!” 

It’s a Catch-22 situation. Astonishin’ times we live in. 

BIG BANG BORIS : Downing Street is urging all patriotic citizens of this green and viral land to take personal responsibility for their own safety as the big reopening approaches.

The 19th of July has been set as the day all pandemic restrictions are dropped in England in a desperate attempt to get people spending to hide the consequences of Brexit.

I mean, sorry, um, because who could possibly live with a piece of cloth on their face for a few more weeks if it keeps other people safer? That’s not how we got Brexit done! The same disregard of consequence will see the pandemic fast completed on Blighty! Take that world! And with our border policy you can take any vax resistant strains we produce too!

”The innate good sense of the British citizen will see us all stay safe,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Have you ever turned up at A&E with a cat stuck on your todger after slipping in the shower while operating an analogue calculator, which became inadvertently lodged in your backside at the same time as the cat foolishly raced in front of you, as you slipped on that slab of butter that you’d innocently left in the shower to warm up so you could use it to make short crust pastry? No? Well. There you go. British common sense at its best. We will all be fine. Clearly.”

If you’ve any concerns at all just list for yourself all the things the Prime Minister is personally responsible for?

“And has he suffered a single consequence? No. See. Bulldog spirit at its best!”

THERE IS A WAY TO HAVE NICE THINGS : 10 Downing Street is refusing to comment this morning on the growing clamour for Prime Minister Boris Johnson to stand aside and allow the English football team to takeover. Although comment is expected later this afternoon when the PM wakes up, but only after he has had his late breakfast and long lunch.

There have been growing calls within the United Kingdom since last summer for the change, after Marcus Rashford successfully reversed the free school meals policy for deprived children not once, but numerous times.

Whether or not Mr Rashford would wish to take the role of Prime Minister is not yet clear, even though it is a highly popular option. Perhaps the current English football team manager Gareth Southgate will be preferred for the role by his team. This would leave Mr Rashford free to choose from cabinet positions, with most assuming he could combine the roles of Home Secretary and Education Secretary without too much difficulty.

English football fans will be happy to know though that there are no calls for the reverse. In the event of the Johnson government being replaced with the English football team, the English football team will not be replaced with the Johnson government.

“We’re not talking about going back to the bad old days of English football,” one insider said, “where people constantly hoped for a world beating performance, were promised it, but continually let down by a bunch of booze and drug addled lads finding their extramarital affairs splashed all over the tabloids. The Johnson government will continue to fulfil that role in or out of office.”

It is expected Prime Minister Boris Johnson will resist the calls to hand power to the footballers, before belatedly claiming it as his own idea once he sees how popular it is with the public.

SING WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is to act today over a recent NoGov poll which reveals that even a lot of Brexiters do not think Brexit is going very well. This is a serious concern because it suggests that Brexit maybe finally rubbing shoulders with reality. It’s well known that is something Brexit can not survive.

While support for the idea of punching ourselves repeatedly in the face, at national and international level, remains reasonably high, the actual implementation of the great dream of Empire 2.0 is viewed less and less favourably.

“It’s important for government to act swiftly to address such concerns. Everyone knows that the narrative in the public’s mind is what matters, not reality,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“We’ll be using our sovereign powers to address this one,” the source continues. “We love all the unfettered power parliament has gifted the executive. It makes governing much, much easier. Democracy is normally such a messy business. Not under Boris!”

Happily correcting the public’s perception of how Brexit is working out will be straightforward. School children are already doing their part by having a national sing a long about how fantastic life in the UK is, without or without access to food.

“We’ll also pass a law ordering everyone to say Brexit is going great. It will be a daily exercise. Just post it on any of your social media accounts. It used to be enough to have an army of paid trolls and bots saying it, but now we need you to play your part. Get into practice today or your access to food rations maybe affected tomorrow.”

SING WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is to act today over a recent NoGov poll which reveals that even a lot of Brexiters do not think Brexit is going very well. This is a serious concern because it suggests that Brexit maybe finally rubbing shoulders with reality. It’s well known that is something Brexit can not survive.

While support for the idea of punching ourselves repeatedly in the face, at national and international level, remains reasonably high, the actual implementation of the great dream of Empire 2.0 is viewed less and less favourably.

“It’s important for government to act swiftly to address such concerns. Everyone knows that the narrative in the public’s mind is what matters, not reality,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“We’ll be using our sovereign powers to address this one,” the source continues. “We love all the unfettered power parliament has gifted the executive. It makes governing much, much easier. Democracy is normally such a messy business. Not under Boris!”

Happily correcting the public’s perception of how Brexit is working out will be straightforward. School children are already doing their part by having a national sing a long about how fantastic life in the UK is, without or without access to food.

“We’ll also pass a law ordering everyone to say Brexit is going great. It will be a daily exercise. Just post it on any of your social media accounts. It used to be enough to have an army of paid trolls and bots saying it, but now we need you to play your part. Get into practice today or your access to food rations maybe affected tomorrow.”

JOBER AS A SUDGE YOUR HONOUR : DOWNING STREET is rumoured to have reacted swiftly to alarming reports of a delay to imports of the PM’s favoured vintage claret today by organising the RAF to beat the customs delays with heavy lift aircraft. The decisive action will have ramifications far beyond the daily long lunch and dinner at 10 Downing Street.

“We’re going to subtitle the Prime Minister’s ramblings in English from now on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This will mean that anyone who turns the subtitle option on will be able to follow what he’s saying. Just as well, because he’s not about to run out of Château Lafite Rothschild anytime soon! Ha!”

While the attempt to bring clarity in real time to what the actual Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is attempting to say will be welcomed by voice impersonators and major media sketch writers, not everyone is convinced.

“Just because you can read what he’s blathering doesn’t mean it isn’t blather,” said one avid follower of the PM.

“He’ll still be talking out of his backside,” another exasperated punter posted on social media. “Subtitle waffle in English all you like. It’ll still be waffle, regardless of how much ancient Greek is involved. Maybe he could try laying off the bottle, at least on the days he’s got to talk to the country?”

And there is rumoured to be pushback within the parliamentary Conservative Party.

“This will allow Brussels to spy on us,” a member of the curiously funded CRG worried. “We know hardly any forrins can understand spoken English unless it’s shouted slowly, but what if they get hold of recordings and can then translate the PM’s message into a funny foreign language?”

The subtitling is anticipated to begin as soon as the PM has to front up to the podium again. This will be when he has to announce a further delay to lifting of restrictions, after he lets the pandemic rip once more.