Category: Governing the people

Former Prime Minister and reigning Twat of the Year David Cameron has spotted a business opportunity. The twat who fled to a shed instead of doing his job has offered his services to governments worldwide who seek drastic regime change.

The portly pompous pig fancier has issued his CV directly to leaders of prosperous, well-run countries across the globe.

LCD Views has had sight of the document. The most illuminating section is ‘Hobbies and Interests’. Among other items, Cameron includes Politics, Ruining the Country, and Erections in the Garden. Oddly enough, Shagging a Pig’s Head, Losing Children in the Supermarket, and Gambling the Country’s Future For A Bag Of Magic Beans fail to merit a mention.

Cameron has allegedly gained a lot of interest from a number of shady South American countries. He has many contacts in the rarefied world of rich upper class swindlers through his schooling at Eton. According to official estimates, about 75% of corrupt politicians went to Eton.

Our Dave has his mind on loftier concerns. No banana republic for him, he wants the bigger prize of a first-rate, wealthy country. Germany, for example.

His prospectus takes up the story. “David Cameron offers his unique services to national governments worldwide. If your electorate is too wealthy and settled, leaving fewer than the desired opportunities for entrepreneurial self-enrichment, Cameron provides the solution. To organise a coup against yourself, Cameron provides superficially competent leadership while fomenting unrest and division. A totally unnecessary period of austerity will cause dissatisfaction in the populace. Contacts in the prestigious sectors of data mining and propaganda will help to fan the flames. Finally, a referendum on the country’s future will be held, offering a lose-lose outcome. The currency will plummet, the economy will fail, and businesses will flee. Naturally, for well-placed individuals, this creates gilt-edged opportunities to purchase assets cheaply and to consolidate their wealth.”

A video has been released featuring Donald Tusk’s advice to Cameron on the subject. “Why does everybody hate me?” asks Cameron. “I told you not to hold a referendum,” says Tusk. “But you wouldn’t listen.”

Cameron’s fee is reputed to be in 7 figures. Failure doesn’t come cheap.

The people of Great Britain and Northern Ireland are to learn today that the strong and stable government of Theresa May has now gone certifiably, batshit crazy, beyond any reasonable doubt. Something many already suspect.

“The more the British people, and their elected representatives in parliament, act in defiance of the high priestess of Brexit, the crazier the priestess will get now,” LCD Views ‘guano is a state of mind’ correspondent reports,

“The God of Brexit must be sated. Theresa May knows this. It’s the only thing that matters now, ensuring the world is forced to conform to her fantasy version of it. So if that means dressing up as a religious functionary from a doomed civilisation and dragging people to the sacrificial slab? She’ll do it.”

Disregard for human life is nothing new to the May administration. You only have to look at the Hostile Environment policies, the complete failure to react to Grenfell for day after day, the overall sociopathy of her immigration policies and Universal Credit.

“But now we’re to step it up a gear to mollify Brexit and beg it to deliver the sunlit uplands promised in the days before ‘adequate food’ and mass fridge purchasing were the go.”

It’s not clear where the temple to hold the rituals will be built, but early focus is on anywhere along the invisible border between Northern Ireland and the Republic.

”We just better pray there’s no solar eclipse due in the next year,” our analyst says, “because one of those will really be a trigger for all sorts of additional, costumed lunacy.”

Comrade Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the opposition (in name only) has had another whiff of power. He has decided that the best way to experience the thrill of unshackled success is to copy his mentor, and run through a field of wheat.

This is not the first whiff of power Corbyn has had. When jostling for the middle class vote, he ran through a field of quinoa.

Corbyn’s biggest whiff of the afore-mentioned addictive substance came when he appeared at Glastonbury. In this occasion he ran, naked from the waist down, through a field of wigwams. The allegations are that he had a headache that day, and misguidedly purchased a couple of ‘aspirin’ from a pie-eyed hippy in a ramshackle yurt.

Each of these stunts has elevated his national leadership approval ratings. He is currently in third place in the polls, behind Theresa May and Don’t Know.

Momentum member Brian Washing tried to explain his position. “Momentum means Momentum,” he clarified. “Which means we just keep going on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and…”

More pertinently, Corbyn superfan Sikka Fantic defended his master’s choice. “Jeremy is a free spirit,” he waffled. “Why do you think he spends so much time gardening? You can excuse him for mistaking the opposition front bench for a nice comfy sofa for snoozing on. Jeremy has been dreaming of a wheatfield run since childhood!”

“…on, and on, and on, and on, and…” continued Washing.

The man himself was delighted with his rural odyssey. “I discovered that if you run around in circles, the press come and take hundreds of photographs!” said Corbyn happily. “Lots of good publicity and talk of alien landings. Hopefully the aliens will be Labour voters!”

Nobody is quite sure whether aliens would be eligible to vote in an election, or even a referendum. Meanwhile, the search for an old man’s marbles continues.

Britain’s greatest living zygote, David Cameron (no longer an MP) has generously offered to lead a government of national unity to resolve what appears to be a minor national crisis.

”I can do it in my spare time,” Mr Cameron advised, “you know, when I’m not working on my memoirs. Which I’m not working on full time.”

The offer, from a statesman who arguably has had a greater impact on the course of modern British history than even George Galloway, is not one to be dismissed out of hand.

”I think tomorrow, you know, after I’ve finisjef buying some high grade skunk off a hoodie I got to know on a hugging spree,” Mr Cameron illuminated, “I’ll rock on down to my old pad and offer Theresa the chance to be the deputy of someone other than a Unionist. We will smoke a few bowls and look forward to just chillaxing our way through Brexit baby. Yeah.”

But critics have attacked the open handed gesture from Briton’s greatest living diarest.

”They’re just jealous of his book deal,” famous five survivor, and now scrap metal dealer, Timmy commented, “he’s like smashed it on the advance. Amaze balls. Pity he spunked it all on meth. Ha! Hey, is that fridge in your backyard to go?”

Bit critics notwithstanding, Mr Cameron’s big hearted offer also has the support of the Labour leader.

”Anything to keep me out of the job till after Lexit happens brother,” Mr Corbyn chuckled, “I mean comrade. It’ll give me time to get on with my plan to open The Jeremy Corbyn School of Political Strategy.”

We await with pork scratching bated breath to see if the screechingly terrified executive of Theresa May accepts the offer, but in the meantime we advise you to get high and tune out.

Britain’s hard of hearing prime minister, Theresa May, has been on a late night Amazon Prime binge after inviting her political opponents around for conciliatory talks.

LCD Views’ online frenzies correspondent was leaked a copy of the digital receipt and provides the scoop of what she bought.

“Ear muffs. Ear plugs. Cotton wool. Blinkers. A big packet of baby wipes? Presumably for cleaning the wax off her fingertips after she removes them from her ears. It’s goes on like this. Oh, and lumber and tools to build a trap door. I can’t think what that’s for? But I’d recommend anyone stopping by for a chat doesn’t stand on a rug.”

Anything else?

“Imodium. Not the branded one. A cheaper knock off available from an online pharmacy. A truly epic amount. Probably a fatal dose if it’s all taken at once.”

Is the Imodium for her callers?

“I suspect it’s for the entire government.”

So what olive branch will she offer her opponents?

“I expect she’ll wait for them to offer her one and then tear it from their hands and beat them with it. Then she’ll put on her biggest power chain and give a press conference and present anything constructive as her own idea.”

Anything else to note?

“Polish. A lot of polish.”

She’s inviting representatives from another EU country around too? She really is trying.”

“No. Polish to shine up the anchor chain she wears around her neck.”

If you can’t blind them with science or baffle them with bullshit…

“Blind them with the light.”

So what will she tell anyone who stops by?

“I reckon she’ll open with, ‘On the 23rd June 2016, the British people decided…”

Sounds like she’s not the only one who’ll be needing the ear plugs.

The occupants of 10 Downing Street awoke this morning to the alarming spectacle of an infamous ‘Go Home’ van parked outside 10 Downing Street.

“They were pretty sure it was put there out of spite by the guy living at 11 Downing Street,” an aide to the occupants of No 10 told LCD Views,

“but I don’t think so, he’s just covering his ass like the rest of the gutless wonders blinking in the headlights as the karma train pulls into town. Ready to dash to the safety of a non-exec board position as soon as the aforementioned karma train demolishes their administration.”

Quite how the main occupant of 10 Downing Street, someone whose every pre-planned utterance can impact the currency exchanges, is allowed to live there with an intimate acquaintance whose business is hedge funds, is anyone’s guess.

“That’ll be part of the post-Brexit public inquiries. You know, the great squeezing out of puss from the boil on the backside of the British body politic.”

But what is certain is that the ‘Go Home’ van is present outside No 10 because the architect of so many inhumane and vicious person hating policies has managed, through nothing more than her own delusions, pigheadedness and idiocy, to manufacture what is an increasingly hostile environment politically for herself.

And while who parked the van there is still not certain, unlike the ‘Go Home’ vans made famous by Theresa May, architect of the hostile environment policies that targeted people based on what their favourite food smelt like, this ‘Go Home’ van is justified and there to remove someone who to all appearances has gone completely insane.

A woman who believes herself to be doing God’s work is busy this morning ignoring the message God sent her last night.

”She’s just going to carry on as if nothing bad happened yesterday,” Mr Pickering, owner of Cotton Wool R Us, which supplies ear stuffings for 10 Downing Street told us, “I know this because around 8pm last night I received a massive order of ear suitable cotton wool.”

The order, promptly delivered by courier moments after the woman received the message from on high, wasn’t the only one.

”I’m retiring to the south of France today,” tin supplier, Mr Ears, also advised, “really I am. I hope I get to stay there after the end of March. The order last night for a set of tin ears was so insane it was like winning the lottery.”

There were apparently also orders from ‘The All Thumbs” firm of handy equipment and ‘Cack Hands’.

”It’s a great time to be in toilet tissue too,” our economic analyst tells us, “insiders in the treasury tell me that a new battle is raging between May and the Chancellor after she insisted on an emergency fund of several billion to keep the Tory Party supplied with four ply paper.”

Is this because they’re all crapping themselves?

”Not all. The really insane ones are fine. But anyone with a brushing relationship with reality is running to talk to God on the white telephone from both ends.”

That’s nice to know.

So what’s next for the occupant of 10 Downing Street?

”Fit her latest set of tin ears, stuff them with cotton wool and give a speech which doesn’t acknowledge last night’s historical defeat, would be my guess.”

How will the speech begin?

”The British people…”

Oh God, anyone have the number for Cotton Wool R Us?”

Boris Johnson (MP for Boris Johnson) has dropped a bombshell on the House of Commons this morning after he signalled he would be tabling an amendment to the meaningful vote being held today making himself prime minister, whatever the result of the meaningful vote.

“The virtuous people of Great Britain are crying out for a leader in this time of crisis for the mother of all democracies,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, via Skype with the sounds of an Italian market town in the background,

“and I can provide the clear sighted, 20/20 vision to see off the deep state conspiracy that threatens to make the most vulnerable in our society, the most giving, the 1%, the ubermensch, pay more taxes,” Mr Johnson added with the sounds of a much younger blonde woman giggling in the background.

The amendment itself, the Johnson, is certain to gain wide support within the house of commons.

“Everyone is crying out for a different kind of prime minister,” Mr Johnson added, with the sounds of divorce litigation rebounding off the walls of the villa he was phoning in from, “a PM who will Make Britain Great Again!”

Mr Johnson added, with the sounds of Steve Bannon writing his scripts again.

And he’s right to suspect he has a good chance of success with his amendment, with even Labour figures keen to vote for it.

“It’ll mean Jeremy doesn’t have to get off that fence post he’s been planted on for so long he’s now got a third leg,” a Labour insider told us, “anything to keep from actually having to act. Much better to endlessly strategise how we will attain utopia in the back rooms, with the sound of Lenin giving a speech playing on the gramophone,

“We need an event to save us and a big, blousy, blonde bombshell dropping a bombshell could be just the event we’re looking for!”

House of Commons deputy head and all round action man (you have to be when your own party wants to kill you politically) John Bercow is in danger of opening numerous sick notes tomorrow, in advance of the meaningful assembly being held to celebrate democracy, when he glances at the rolls to see who has turned up for class.

But most notable may be a note from the MP for Maidenhead, currently the head teacher, who it is rumoured is right now considering calling in sick for work with complete disregard for her students’ welfare.

“It wouldn’t surprise old Bercow,” an aide to the deputy head told LCD Views, on the condition that we do not print the rumour,

“she’s a complete control freak. Runs the entire school like a wet dream fantasy Victorian psycho head mistress. But it’s just that, an act, and it’s not even method,

“And a control freak living out a fantasy of power who is faced with not being in control? Well, they tend to run. The MP for Maidenhead will probably forge a note with her mum’s signature, forgetting she’s head and not student in her panic. But Bercow will know the handwriting. It’s not going to be good. She may get detention for a week or even be excluded.”

But the MP for Maidenhead is not the only MP expected to cook up a dodgy excuse.

“The ERG drama class are right now discussing on Whatsapp if they can all call in sick with a funny tummy? Their ringleader was outsmarted into calling a no confidence vote and now he doesn’t even want to turn up. Which is okay. They still get to use the toilets first at break even if they don’t do their homework.”

If only the MP for Maidenhead had a reputation for being a drinker, she could call in sick and everyone would know she had a rotten hangover and just let it slide, again.

“It’s not like we can even look to school counsellor Corbyn for leadership,” the aide ads, “he’ll probably not turn up for the democracy assembly either, claiming he forgot to set his alarm again.”

Dr. Ludwig Dürr, known these days after reincarnation by the name Dr Liam Fox (the disgraced former defence minister now pretending to know about trade), has confirmed speculation that the manufacturers of the modern day Hindenburg, Brexit Industries (aka Little England Inc.), will be moving registration of their radically re-designed zeppelin airship to Britain at the stroke of 10pm, 29th March 2019.

“It’s because Brexit UK will have the most hot air freely available,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister told LCD Views’ Pseudo Science correspondent, “and we expect to fill our balloons with it at source and for free, and exceptionally tax efficiently once the UK is free of the shackles of Brussels and all those boring things they’re starting to do about large scale tax evasion.”

While the brains at Brexit Industries had anticipated some blowback from the EU27 country the airship is currently registered in, so far none has been forthcoming.

That’s because such a wedge of the financial services industry is moving across the channel, as well as lots of our manufacturing, and well, just about everything, it’s not thought anyone will notice the loss of an airship guaranteed to crash and burn with great loss of life.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister replies, “I would expect the German car industry, and the Irish cheese industry, to come banging down Merkel’s door just before March 29th to demand we keep producing and releasing our inflammatory ideas within the EU. We’ve basically got them over the barrel.”

He believes this because he is an idiot.

The comments by The Disgraced Former Defence Minister have also confirmed speculation that a lot of Dr Dürr’s brains did not transfer via reincarnation, with the exception of the sorrowful blindspot that doesn’t spot catastrophic flaws in his designs.

“We’ve painted a new pair of eyes on the airship too,” The Disgraced Former Defence Minister adds, “and they swivel.”