Category: Governing the people

LCD Views can report reassuring news today for people who are anxious that the government of the United Kingdom is just pissing about wasting time in order to make disaster capitalists richer with a god almighty crash.

“Oh, that’s not changed,” our personal Westminster Bubble bubble squeaked, “but we need to pause the process for a few months so the Brexit backers can take up new positions. Much better to cash in on the crash out from one’s yacht while it’s moored off Monaco, don’t you know. Chilled champagne, a view of a sparkling sea and the ticker tape ticking away with boom baby! Boom!”

Well that’s not very reassuring now, is it?

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” the bubble floated up and then down, “any extra time granted to kill the Brexit zombie means more shovel blows to its head. Take whatever time you can get. Due to the general gutlessness and paralysis of an overwhelming majority of MPs, the clock was always going to run down to the last seconds before salvation or disaster. Last minute salvations are part of the UK’s culture.”

Does it help that both main party leaderships are committed to the same lie?

“That is an interesting one. If you take the premise (and you’d be wise to) that Brexit is a lie pedalled by racists, it’s hardly surprising that the largest political parties in the UK are consumed by racism scandals, because their leaders have backed an inherently racist agenda. Purely out of their own lust for ideological victory. Their gain, your loss.”

Cause and effect.

“Chicken and egg…”

So will the prime minister get her short delay? Or realise that the Tory party can’t boot her out until December, when the year is up from the no-confidence vote, and take all the can kicking time she can? She still gets to be PM. What else matters?

“I would wager she’ll get something longer with some conditions from the EU. But only if Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Paterson stop holding the WC door closed inside 10 Downing Street and she can actually get out to post the letter.”

The government has decided to create a new Department for Spaffing Money Up The Wall. This formalises government policy since, well, forever. Downing Street has put two bona fide spaffing experts in charge.

Chris Grayling has got off to a flying start. The ferry company with no ferries and articles of association copied from a pizza outlet story simply won’t sail into the sunset. Genuine ferry companies are lining up to help out in a No Deal Brexit situation for as long as No Deal remains an option. Empty vessel Grayling is spaffing money on empty vessels held on standby, for a potentially infinite period. Or until the incompetent cowards in Parliament pull their fingers out of their collective arses and force No Deal off the table.

An extension to Article 50 would lead to more delay, and spaffing even more money on ships that are not doing any shipping. The UK has become an empty vessel state.

Meanwhile Boris Johnson, a man who is never afraid to spaff, is complaining about spending money on justice for The People. “The government is spaffing £60m on unfortunate historic spaffing incidents,” ejaculated Johnson. “Two wrongs don’t make a right. This money could have been spaffed on the NRA, sorry, I mean invested in the NHS, instead. Spaffing needs to be done the right way, and I’m the man on the job!”

Johnson paid compliments to his co-leader at the DfSMUTW. “I truly admire Chris Grayling,” he dribbled. “Now here is a man who could spaff £60m just by turning up to work!”

LCD Views was unable to ascertain whether Grayling had ever, in fact, managed to turn up to work. We have heard unconfirmed rumours that a bald man with a bemused expression and a ministerial case has been spotted wandering around in a variety of locations in south-eastern England.

Rest assured that the country’s finances are in safe hands. It’s money well spent.

LCD Views can report today on a great leap forward in the struggle to prevent our democratically elected representatives using their worst judgement to settle complex and deeply impactful (like, a comet hitting the land hard impactful) issues.

“We propose fitting all 650 MPs with GPS trackers,” Professor Health, of the What the FCUK are you DOING with my DEMOCRACY Institute for Worrying, Lancashire (somewhere there), told us,

“that way when they’re out of the sight of Emily Maitlis or Jon Snow we know what they’re doing.”

What an angst strewn, fictional character, who’s recently discovered he’s shagging his aunt, from a long running TV franchise has to do with stopping MPs taking bribes to back MV3 is not clear, so we’ve decided it’s best to use the excellent real life, Channel 4 reporter instead.

“Once we have them tagged we can intervene when May, or one of her last remaining allies, pulls them aside for a quiet chat to ask what it will take? Perhaps £50 for the local playground? Maybe we lose that file on that little misdemeanour from a couple of years back? Maybe you don’t ever have to sit next to Gavin Williamson at a party dinner again? What’ll it take to back MV3, 4, 5, 6 and 97?”

But if we know where they are, how will we stop them doing what goes against the interests of the country?

“Simples. We’ll have May and her gang tagged too. We set a human monitor in front of a screen. Once we see two dots, or more, coalescing in any given location, we simply parachute in Emily Maitlis to give them the now famous disparaging side stare. It’s done for Barry Gardiner forever. It’ll do for the rest of them too.”

Are there any potential drawbacks to the system?

“Yes. We’ll always know where Boris Johnson is and what he’s up to. And that’s going to be appalling.”

10 Downing Street has been forced to deny this afternoon that the newly installed door at the address is for the use of Larry the cat.

“It’s for the prime minister,” a Downing Street spokesman demanded, “she didn’t need that great, big, hulking old door and it’s irritating everyone having to open and close it constantly as she rushes in and out, off to Brussels and then tearing back with her tail all puffed up, but clearly in a terror, so we’ve given her a door she can use whenever she likes.”

The revelation that the prime minister has also been fitted with a collar containing a radio transmitter has nothing at all to do with how frequently she loses her way, daily.

“It’s so only she can use the cat door, I mean, the new door for the personal use of the prime minister, as befits her status and stature, it emits a signal that tells the door to unlock and let her in, or out, or turn all about.”

The collar itself has been well disguised, as it looks like a ship anchor, just like the power chains the prime minister usually heaves about the place.

But security experts are concerned with the new door and perceive a risk to her personal security.

“Sooner or later her and Larry the cat are going to have a scrap over who gets to go through the door first and neither species have a great reputation for listening to other people’s points of view. I can’t see Larry backing down first, can you?”

LCD Views can report this morning that a woman now only held together by spit, glue and fear is to continue disintegrating before our eyes.

“I expect a limb to fall off when she next enters the House of Commons to speak,” our political analyst muses, “her voice is already gone. She had to use a Gove hand puppet and ventriloquism yesterday.”

And exactly which part of the Murdoch puppet, which is coming apart at the seams, will fail next is where the hot speculation is.

“Ladbrokes are offering 7/4 on a finger falling off. 8/5 for a toe popping off as she stumbles into the chamber. William Hill will give you 25/1 for both eyes popping out of her head simultaneously the next time Jess Phillips gives her a verbal. It’s exciting times for political betting! I can tell you that.”

But it’s not just traditional bookmakers who are getting in on it?

“Oh no. Farage is running an allegedly illegal book as a subsidiary of some insurance company in Gibraltar with a mate, it’s alleged anyway, but I wouldn’t say it’s in anyway proven. Anyway, Dodgy Nige’s Betting Shop will give you 2/1 on a fascist doing something to make her ears melt. But I’d steer well away from them and stick to the traditional shops.”

So where would you suggest putting a sneaky fiver?

“I’d take the Paddy Power 10/1 on a little door popping open in the back of her head and a spring coming out with some electrical sparks. They’ve said they’ll pay out half odds if only the door pops, or sparks start fizzing from anywhere above her shoulders. It’s a tidy little bet.”

One thing is certain, as the pressure mounts, as the failure increases and the clock winds down in the final furlongs of March, all bets are off for the Maybot. We mean, really on the nose.

Concern is flaring inside the funeral parlours of the United Kingdom this morning at news that a select, and secretive, committee in parliament is drawing up plans for how to bury Brexit, now that it’s finally almost dead. But expected to rear up again as a zombie, even before it gets the last rites.

“To be honest we don’t normally deal in zombie burials,” Mrs Sixth Feetdep, founder of Ungodly Holes – Funeral services for the undead, told LCD Views,

“cremations of course. Keep hitting it in the head with the flat of a shovel until you’ve forced the damn thing into the oven. Slam the door closed. Fire up the gas. Bobs your uncle. But a burial? That’s very old fashioned. We’d have to do research.”

But Mrs Sixth Feetdep need not worry too much, as the procedure for dealing with such ungodly abominations is very well established and has been handed down through history.

“Oh really? Well, if you’re the expert all of a sudden, why don’t you tell me?”

(permission to treat the witness as hostile? – denied, stay professional)

It’s straightforward. You deal with Brexit like a medieval village would have dealt with a suspected vampire.

“A stake through it’s heart, a stone in its mouth and a burial in a deep hole at a crossroads at midnight?”

See! You’ve got it. Just make sure you use a t-bone steak, not rump, and you freeze it hard first, or you’ll never hammer it in there. And there’s just one modern twist the select committee will also request, to ensure a strong and stable burial.

“What’s that?”

Put a blue passport in its hands first and make sure the steak goes right through it also.

Mourners attending the service are requested to party.

 

Prime-ish Minister Theresa May must enjoy being a masochist. Repeatedly banging her head on a brick wall has become her principal pastime. The only rational explanation is that she enjoys the pain.

May is flying to Strasbourg to try to negotiate more last-ditch amendments to her crappy Brexit ‘deal’. Sources confirm that Jean-Claude Juncker is savouring the chance to tell May to bugger off in person.

Like a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly, as the proverb states. May is expected to have used all the sick bags on her flight before she has left UK airspace.

Northern France is bracing itself for a shitstorm, as it is anticipated that May will also make frequent use of the aeroplane toilet.

So a haggard husk of a woman will arrive in Strasbourg, smelling like an understaffed care home and shrieking “You need us more than we need you! We have 65 million people, you only have half a billion, 65 is bigger than a half!”. To which Juncker will calmly reply, “Bugger off!”

At this point, the woman will happily depart, vomit-flecked and diarrhoea-spattered, back to London and home.

She will return triumphantly, step off the aeroplane and say “I hold in my hand a piece of lavatory paper. I believe it represents peace for our toilet.” While this will cause jubilation among the bedwetters and shit-stirrers, the truce will only last until Parliament again instructs her to return to Juncker, so he can, once again, tell her to bugger off.

How long will Grey May last? She has been elevated way beyond her ability because of the collective short-term interests of a bunch of greedy, immature posh boys. She knows that she is up to her neck in crap, but her lack of imagination leaves her with no idea about how to escape it.

Politics has gone fully reducto ad absurdum. Brexit will be proved by contradiction. Now bugger off.

Breaking news today that potentially delusional, definite control freak, wayward vicar’s daughter and somehow still prime minister, Theresa May, is to address the nation this evening ahead of a key votes in parliament this week.

“She’s going to draw on history and lay out a big one,” an insider at 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “she’s been looking back over the great speeches of past leaders she admires. Stalin, Mao, Cromwell (Irish genocidal phase), Henry VIII and other role models, but in the end some lackey insisted she go for JFK and tweak it.”

But it won’t be the time worn phrasing that is now so old hat, Ms May has twisted the words to give them the kick in the pants she and the Conservative Party require.

“Ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do to keep the Tory Party together, that’s got a very up to date feel to it,” the insider said, “I mean it’s the guiding ethos of the party of government. We all know that anything required can be sacrificed in order to maintain at least a surface appearance of Tory Party unity. What will you give up today to help the cause? Everyone should be asking themselves that.”

Food. Medicine. Automotive manufacturing. Forefront of medical science. Pet passports. No roaming charges. The NHS itself?

“That’s a great start to the list. Can you think of anything else?”

We can think of a lot. But let’s put freedom of movement bound up with the life chances of the younger generation top of the pile to sacrifice.

“Perfect. Remember, it doesn’t matter what happens this week. It doesn’t matter if the power crazed and duplicitous executive pulls the votes. What matters is that the Tory party looks like it’s still together for another twenty four hours. May might burn the country to the ground and walk away, but at least she’ll be able to say she did her duty by the party.”

I think we can all learn from that.

The leadership (don’t laugh) of the Labour Party has added another incentive to their already rejected Brexit policy by stating “once they gain government very soon they will mint ‘Corbyn Coins’ for use in the fabulous Labour post Brexit economy”.

“Can you imagine seeing the face of the absolute boy every time you queue for your bread ration, before you go back to tilling your local green space?” Labour spokesman, Bazza Gardening, told LCD Views,

“it will warm your heart to know that ideologically you are pure, whatever the class traitors running Honda decide to do. And as you hand over the Corbyn Coin you are serving a higher purpose. Then you can eat as you lift the hammer high in one hand and the sickle in the other, the horizon filled with the light of a sun that is crimson, and say, our father, who art an absolute boy, I thank you this day for this slice of allotment bread,

“Imagine the looks on your children’s faces as you explain why a Labour Brexit also committed to ending freedom of movement, to stop those johnny foreigners undercutting their chimney sweeping wages?”

But while this is all well and good, and easily dismisses the concerns some in our office felt back at the start of 2017, when reading that Labour had learned from Trump’s electoral success in the US, and was going to start being more populist, what exactly the coins will be made of is causing no small amount of infighting within the party.

“Some think they should be meat based, a gammon derivative,” Bazza waffled on, and on, and on, basically just producing a word salad, “but in order to adhere to the only correct belief system, that of the magic grandfather, we believe they should be vegetarian.”

Labour had better hurry up and sort out exactly what the recipe for the Corbyn Coins will be, as it’s the most certain thing on Earth that going into the GE that will be called any day now and offering the country Lexit, as opposed to Brexit, is sure to see them command a sizeable majority. Mostly of complete and total disbelief, but still a sizeable majority. Spend it wisely.

Sources close to the government of the UK have warned that the country has fallen for a social media hoax, and as a result is preparing to commit suicide. The Momo challenge has reached the corridors of power, and the country is on the brink.

The UK has apparently accessed a toxic variant, known as the Bojo challenge.

The hoax works by setting participants a series of tasks, of increasing difficulty and undesirability. Failure to comply results in realistic threats. In extreme circumstances, the player can get drawn into the game. In this case, the player believes that they are in control, but in reality they are still being played. This is where the UK is right now.

As usual, the challenges start simple and subtle. The first Bojo challenge was to rig a public vote. No trouble, but then the threats started. “Go hard, or I withdraw my support,” was one such threat, from a user codenamed ‘Nannyman’. “Send in a useless negotiator, because you know you’re on to a loser,” was another. This particular challenge has been repeated three times so far.

Insider and interweb expert Sir Chen Djinn gave LCD Views an insight. “The ultimate challenge, often veiled, now overt, is ‘No deal! No deal! Fall off the cliff! Everything is pointless. Commit economic suicide!’,” revealed Sir Chen. “The hoaxers behind the Bojo challenge are seeing how far the UK’s leaders will go before somebody steps in to stop the rot. I believe that the hoaxers have organised a sweepstake, and there is a bowl of borscht and a litre of Smirnoff at one of Moscow’s top restaurants waiting for the winner.”

Bojo is widely believed to be a fake profile with a bizarre avatar, set up under a veneer of respectability. The Bojo hoax is doubly effective because there is a real-life fake politician with a bizarre avatar operating in the UK, using the name ‘Nigel Farage’.

Brexit is a hoax. Who dares say it out loud, and deny Vladimir Putin his posh nosh?