Category: Governing the people

LCD Views has great news this afternoon for people who are sick to death of the Groundhog Day at Westminster and wondering if it will ever end?

“It won’t,” our Hammer House of Horrors specialist advises, “although I could be wrong. But not today and probably not tomorrow or The Day After Tomorrow. It’s how we govern now. One party’s internal Psycho drama has replaced actual government. This is opposed by a Silent Spring absence on the other side of the house where the LOTR’s Gandalf should be.”

The reason for the merry go around move is because nothing changes at Westminster day in and day out, while outside of it everything is going to shit. They just sit there on the benches going around and around the same centre of gravity and the centre of gravity is a word salad.

“It’s probably a mistake to have a Cheers style state subsidised bar at Westminster,” our specialist muses, “because if you have a job with a gold plated pension and you can just drink as much as you like, well, what’s the motivation to not need a drink at the end of the day?

“Why get anything done? Nothing outside the bubble really matters. This is because of the fixed term parliament act, which was quite a stitch up. It’s initial design was to give David Cameron’s Tories long enough to destroy the Libdems through Nick Clegg’s naivety. But it’s basically become endless rule now. At least that’s how it seems. Especially if the other major party is committed to the same ideolgical horror show. Also, why not lie though your teeth? You’ve got the job for five years and then you cycle back into private industry with a heaving address book of government contacts to advertise.”

Good God.

“Tell me about it. But at least the power for the merry go round will be green.”

How so?

“It’s going to be powered by the screams of the entire UK and currently, they also are endless.”

Can you still hear them Clarice? Adam, Ben, Charlotte, Sheryl, Candice, Peter…actually I’m not going to individually name everyone in the UK.

 

Fantastic news for anyone concerned that the United Kingdom was about to have an outbreak of pragmatism and a less fantastical democracy today.

“We all know that Disney has just bought Rupert Murdoch’s Fox empire for $51 billion,” our Mickey Mouse Guv correspondent says, “probably because the kids were all too thick to be trusted with it? I don’t know. Anyway, he’s cashed out. He wants to spend more time moaning to Jerry about his corns,

“Well we would know, if the Mickey Mouse outfit in 10 Downing Street didn’t dominate the news day in and day out. At any case, Murdoch threw in HMG for a quid. Just to get rid of it, so he could spend more time complaining to Jerry about the quality of the soup.”

It’s not certain yet what changes, if any, the voters of the United Kingdom will notice with the change in ownership, as Disney are apparently happy with the workings of the franchise as it stands.

“You’ve the wicked witch in power already,” a Disney spokesman noted, “the sorcerer’s apprentice running about setting fire to everything that moves or is related to transport, Goofy running the health service, Pluto overseeing defence, Scrooge McDuck is the chancellor, Captain Hook is LOTO and the Mad Hatter in a blonde wig, so…you get the picture streaming live constantly through your flat screen or mobile device,

“There’s not a lot we can do to improve on the situation except turn the Palace of Westminster into a theme park? But many are saying it’s that already. We could perhaps have Aslan appear on College Green and savage some pineapple vest rent a fascists? But we’re not yet sure if we want to write a happy ending to the saga of Brexit.”

A man with a nanny who uses google translate to talk in Latin has made a solemn promise to the women of the U.K. as part of his pitch to become the United Kingdom’s next, and most unifying, prime minister.

“For too long now the precious women of our United Kingdom have been forced out of their traditional role in the home by the self serving forces of degeneratism,” the man said, “this has pushed down wages for men, resulted in a birth rate so low we have to import for…fore…non-whi…foreign…excuse me why I look up the word in Latin,

”Externi. There, I said it. Leaves a taste. At any rate, I have travelled here from the 19th Centurt today to promise that when I replace the woman who is currently our prime minister women will be freed to not go out to work anymore.”

Thid statement led to immediate, an incorrect speculation, that the man was planning to reform the tax system to make everyone millionaires.

”Oh, what a jolly jape. Of course the tax system will be inverted to make move the non-income paying tax threshold to the other end of the pyramid of wealth, the pointed bit, but I will not be freeing women in that way. God would furrow his brow if traditional family values were not the mechanism.”

Are you going to implement an economic and political policy as clearly disasterous as Brexit and cause runaway inflation?

”Only in my Russian bank account!”

Well what then?

”It’s quite simple to do. Family planning, from contraception to terminations for any reason will be abolished. All women will be legally required to become pregnant. A woman’s real place of work, is of course, in the home.”

Omne semen sanctum.

 

Nigel Farage has made his play while rumours of a governmental collapse abound. The man whose numeracy skills rival Diane Abbot’s is positioning himself as education secretary.

The People’s Vote march attracted a mere million or so people. Farage’s far more successful march drew a crowd of over 200. “You are the majority,” he told them proudly.

“Our Nige”, as we must now call this privately educated man of the people, made the claim that a further 17.4 million people were also there in spirit. “Look, can’t you see them?” he asked. Clearly, religious education is yet another forte.

Either that, or he should have gone to Specsavers.

Insiders suggest that Farage’s actual role in government could be very different. “He’s not actually an MP, so he couldn’t be in government,” pointed out analyst Enda Marope. “But there is a vacancy for a consultant policy maker. This person spends all his time pontificating in the Strangers Bar, like a posh pub bore. It’s tailor made for Nigel.”

Marope has news of other appointments up her sleeve. “Boris will move to Spaffing Money Up The Wall, Chris Grayling to All At Sea, and Michael “slithy” Gove to Jabberwocky.”

The big question though, is who will replace Theresa May as Prime Minister?

“There is only one viable candidate,” said Marope. “Keep it under your hat, will you? Please? OK. Strictly off the record, it looks like the next inhabitant of Ten Downing Street will be John Bercow.”

Nigel Farage was not happy with the news. “I have far more integrity than Bercow!” he thundered, subsidised pint in hand. “All he does is shout ‘order, order’, and subvert the will of the Man of the People. Edutainment Secretary, pah, I should have been PM. I coulda been a contender. Hardest game in the world, politics. Been doing it thirty years, man and boy…”

The future of Great Britain is in safe hands.

The scandalous news that parliament is again debating whether or not to give 16 year olds the vote has caused a justified outcry among much older, wiser people who voted to quit the EU because of a big, red bus, and their elected reps.

“It’s scandalous!” Reg Reg-Reg frothed,

“a sixteen year old is not mature enough to decide their future. Why, some of them don’t even bother to read the side of a bus when deciding what to do [regarding complex economic and social changes]. Could a 16 year old oversee the complex stockpiling of body bags and toilet paper before an entirely avoidable calamity, driven by grown ups?”

Reg Reg-Reg is not alone.

Millions of middle aged, and up, people this morning are considering starting a petition to turn back this clock too.

“Okay, they’re mature enough to decide at which university, being transformed financially along neocon ideological lines, they wish to gather £50K worth of debt at,” Reg conceded,

“They’re old enough to become an army cadet, setting themselves on a path to get blown up in some hellish conflict to celebrate being old enough to vote. They’re even old enough to have sex legally and start a family as a consequence, as ill advised as that maybe, maybe not,

“And they’re mature enough to be able to legally drive a moped, thus taking their own life in their hands on the roads, and potentially causing an accident, or not, involving people of voting age. But I’ll be buggered if you can convince me they’re mature enough to influence their immediate future at the ballot box.”

That’s only for older heads.

The sort of heads that see a big blonde man boy bouncing about in front of a lie on a big, red bus and ditch all critical facilities and vote for the bus.

“Give sixteen year olds the vote, where will it end?” Reg Reg-Reg demanded, “foetuses will be voting next. Just like what happened with equality of marriage. People started legally marrying furniture the day after. This progression of society and its values has got to stop.”

In support of Reg Reg-Reg we have included a link to the sort of nonsense sixteen year olds say about politics:

https://twitter.com/bbcquestiontime/status/1108863526406418438

Reg Reg-Reg did call LCD back later to add, sixteen year olds should be able to decide to attend a public hanging if they want.

Just as well, because many Quitters favour that.

The will of the people, you know you want it, just not until you’re old enough, as determined by a man who voted based on…

Britain’s botched Brexit negotiations have led nowhere. The EU has refused to budge a single inch, or even centimetre. Theresa May’s strength and stability have been shattered, and all that is left is her intransigence.

Leading Brexiters have suggested the perfect solution. All future negotiations will be conducted by a small girl, who has been carefully conditioned to kick off at anyone who says ‘no’ to her.

“Brussels needs to know that we are serious, and refusing to budge,” commented leading Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg. “Naturally one cannot volunteer one’s own daughter, since little Agrippina is a meek and well behaved child. However, it has come to one’s attention that the spawn of the lower orders tend to be as stubborn as fuck.”

The extensive selection process turned up a girl by the name of Molly Coddled. Molly, aged four, demonstrated her ability when her request for another packet of crisps was turned down. A twelve hour meltdown ensued, after which Molly was awarded the contract.

LCD Views was fortunate to be able to talk to Molly. Her mother, glad to be shot of her for a few minutes, took the opportunity to stock up on gin at the nearest off-licence.

Remember that massive meltdown, we asked.

“Yeah,” said Molly. “I was cross. I wasn’t very happy.”

What was it all about?

“Don’t know,” she said. “But I was cross, and it wasn’t fair, and mummy got angry, and that made me more cross.”

How will you deal with Michel Barnier?

“Who’s she?” asked Molly.

No, no, it’s a man.

“It’s a girl’s name,” she declared. “Why does the man have a girl’s name? That’s silly. Silly man.”

What if he offers you something you don’t want?

“I’ll throw it away of course!” said Molly. “Don’t want it. Have you got any crisps?”

No. It’s time to go home with mummy.

“BUT I DON’T WANT TO!!” screamed Molly. “NO! NO! NO! I HATE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME WITH MUMMY, I WANT A UNICORN!”

The Incredible Sulk was eventually dragged from the room, kicking and screaming, by her harassed mother. The future of the country is in safe hands.

Anyone worried about what the barnstorming ‘Revoke Article 50 and Remain in the EU’ petition is doing to the already loosened bowels inside Downing Street can relax today, as they have a solution.

“The government is going to use Henry VIII powers to rename it to something better,” LCD Views Petitions Petitions correspondent reports, “and not a statutory instrument as we have falsely reported. We need to issue a correction as soon as we publish this incorrectly headlined article.”

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/241584

But what will they be renaming the petition?

“Clearly it’s going to be the biggest cry of enthusiasm from the electorate since both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn were returned to 10 Downing Street in 2017,” our correspondent explains,

“both with massively increased majorities, and a mandate to deliver the hardest of Brexit/Lexit’s, depending on who wins the game of Twister over it. So it’s only right that the government give the petition a name that respects the will of the people as expressed in the criminally corrupted, fraudulent opinion poll conducted a few years ago.”

This just sounds like representative democracy meshing nicely with plebiscites, so what’s the name to be?

“Well, some are demanding we get the Russians and a few American billionaires to run a referendum on what to call the petition, but others are saying there isn’t enough time and we should just phone up 55 Tufton Street and get them to blue sky dream it up.”

Both sound like democracy in action to us!

“I suspect the most likely new name will be ‘Back Theresa May’s Deal and Leave’, but if Labour front men are successful it will be ‘We really wanted Lexit all along, thank God Magic Grandpa is here’.”

LCD Views would like to comfort citizens of Brexitannia with the warm, fluffy assertion that putting thousands of soldiers in a nuclear bunker to be ready to assist the government in a time of intentionally created calamity is perfectly sane and normal.

“It’s what healthy, functioning, representative democracies do all the time in the 21st Century,” our civil defence correspondent (a new hire, just tonight) said, “the French, Germans, Portuguese, they’ll be doing it next just to show they’re following the British lead.”

Anyone worried about disorderly behaviour in food ration queues, or who may fear they have to get passed fellow rioters to get insulin for that diabetic relative, need not worry at all, because the army will be on standby to ensure complete and total obedience to whatever Theresa May decides is law on the day.

“The bunker is fitted out with the most modern analogue television broadcast equipment too,” our correspondent adds, “so Mother May, as she will be called from the 30th of March, can broadcast speeches to tell everyone in the United Kingdom how well the war we have declared upon ourselves is going.”

We can win this war against ourselves Britons, if we all believe, if we all get together and push.

“It’s understood Mother’s first broadcast will focus on how right Charles 1st was to suspend parliament and how history has been rewritten to make him look bad.”

What about the Glorious Revolution that saw an end to the love found in the divine rule of autocratic heads of state appointed by God to govern the country?

“Well, we won’t be mentioning that too much,” our correspondent soothes, “because that involved some foreigner coming across the channel to help sort out a complete collapse of indigenous government.”

Fantastic news for lovers of hysterical, and historic, speeches today with the announcement that Prime Minister Theresa May will be redoing last night’s smash hit oratory over.

“It was rousing stuff the first time around,” a section of the carpet under her feet last night commented,

“but you know what they say, the only good rewriting is rewriting. And the moment she gave the patented power stare for the Daily Mail to use on its front page, turned and robotically lurched away, she knew she could improve even on what was already a tour de force in attribution of blame.”

It’s believed that later today the podium will be carried outside the door of 10 Downing Street so May can talk to the nation again.

”So soon? What a treat,” the carpet unrolled, “but I can tell you that she won’t be giving the recooked speech this afternoon, but informing the nation from the podium that she will be doing it again this evening at the same batty time on the same bat channel.”

That’s very considerate. People can rearrange their dinner plans around it. But what changes will she make to what was a perfect set piece already?

”She’s blames parliament for standing in the way of her manifest destiny,” the carpet lurched, “she’s appealed directly to the people not to let their elected representatives stand in the way of her job as fence for an international kleptomaniac crime spree to rob the U.K. blind, but she didn’t quite tick all the boxes with the redirection of blame.”

Who did she miss off the list?

”Queen Elizabeth II, who pretty much declared war on Theresa May with a hat and it hasn’t been forgotten,” the carpet turned up at the corners, “that’s why she has to do the speech again. There’s always someone else who needs to be blamed.”

Soothe your worried brows, start catching up on sleep and make sure you begin having a proper breakfast again, the Brexit process is now in orderrrrr.

”Parliament is to move to Bedlam,” our Westminster watcher confirms, “it’s thought that until Brexit is abandoned, and the lunatics no longer run the asylum, a different historic building would be better suited for parliamentary sessions.”

There has been resistance to the move, tabled in a motion in the Commons, for some time, but each time it is delayed the front benches of both main political parties make it clear the shift is overdue.

”This will allow the refurbishment of the Palace of Westminster to proceed much faster too,” our watcher notes, “a tangible benefit of the Brexit process. It needs to be completed in time to re-open as a museum for what was once one of the world’s most admired representative democracies.”

It’s believed the final straw come after PMQs today, when PM on her last legs, T May, lambasted the house for not doing what she is ordering them to do, in spite of her order being clearly batty.

”I don’t think most of the MPs will notice the shift to be honest,” our watcher concludes, “the ERG will clearly feel it’s a place they can probably boss too. Bit disorientating being a lunatic running an asylum when the building wasn’t constructed with that in mind.”

Is there any chance of stopping Westminster becoming a museum and MPs moving back in?

“Not unless you can convince enough of them that what they’re doing to the U.K. right now is completely batshit crazy.”