Category: Governing the people

Mainstream politicians from both major parties are insisting that they are listening to the people. But, unlike the opinion of the people, their message is unchanged. Critics claim that this is a case of Institutional Deafness.

What is Institutional Deafness? LCD’s Hear No Evil correspondent went to find out.

“Institutional Deafness is becoming endemic,” claimed political expert Anna List. “It is the phenomenon of listening, then wilfully misinterpreting what has been said. It tends to affect public figures of low intelligence and few morals.”

Is it catching?

“Institutional deafness is highly contagious,” replied List. “Major hospitals across the country have put their ear departments on red alert. I fear that many of our leading politicians have already been infected.”

“That’s nonsense,” countered Con Party spokesman Livid Dadlington. “Brexit means Brexit, the people have spoken, anyone voting against Brexit has been betrayed by the betrayal narratives and is to be pitied. So we lost a few local councillors, who gives a shit? All the more reason to plough on with it!”

“I have to agree with Livid,” agreed Garry Bardiner, of the Labouring Under A Misapprehension Party. “It is our duty to help get this Con Brexit over the line, even though we know it’s selling the country down the river. The people are much too well informed now. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.”

The message is clear. A vote for either of the mainstream parties is a vote for Brexit. Therefore, voting for neither is also a vote for Brexit.

The People’s Vote people have packed it in, because a vote against Brexit is now revealed to be a vote to bloody well get on with it.

Meanwhile, the zombie that is Brexit lumbers on, a policy in search of a purpose, like an elephant who has been told to get a room.

The search is on for an enormous wooden stake, and somebody brave enough to wield it.

GET AUNTEE GIN NOW : “No one knows what it means! Aargh!,” a BBC celebra-tory “journalist” told LCD Views this morning.

”Can you help explain it to me?” They pleaded, huffing and puffing down the line, “how can I spin these results as pro-Brexit if I don’t what it means?”

The source of the confusion seemed to be that smaller parties have made massive gains in the local elections held on May 23rd in large swathes of the U.K.

”If these results were just in London,” the journalist gasped, “we could dismiss them as zzzzz what you’d expect from Remoaniac heaven. But a lot of them are in kippervilles! Aargh!”

Although, as a worthy aside, Boris Johnson tweeted, and then deleted, that he’d voted in the locals. He deleted it after it was pointed out his area didn’t have locals. Ever the liar. It’s in his blood, he lives and breathes…

”Clearly the massive swing to Liberal Democrats and Greens is because people are frustrated at the government and Labour’s failure to slam through a wrecking ball Brexit. So they’ve taken it out on the big parties by voting for aggressively pro-EU ones. Voters are so passive aggressive!”

We don’t think that’s what the results mean.

”But what can it be?”

If you can’t work out why smaller parties not endlessly engulfed in racism scandals, and anti-Brexit (btw Brexit is a giant racism scandal), have seen such a swing in the locals, then there’s no hope for you.

”Fuck it. We ignored last year’s swing to Libdems and Greens but this one is undeniable. We’re going to have to spin so fast we’re liable to cause Broadcasting House to break its moorings and levitate.”

Good luck with that.

LCD Views would like to commend the voters of the U.K. for giving the Brexit parties a severe bloody nose, and on the same day a fascist got a facial, it gives you hope that no matter how badly the country may currently be led by the major parties and their adherence to the corrupt frauderendum, change is coming, whether the Brexiters leading Tories and Labour like it or not.

MICROSCOPIC FOCUS : LCD Views can exclusively reveal today that Professor WTF, head of electo-magneticivity research at Merry Daisy University, Herts, has used an electron microscope to find a violin small enough to play when May’s government finally falls.

”I knew it was in there somewhere,” the professor told us, “if we just looked hard enough. The problem was choosing the right research tool for the job. This was more complicated than finding a needle in a haystack. And extremely expensive. Happily disgruntled business people, former Tory donors, showed up with the cash needed.”

So it was just a matter of being able to search the micro world?

”Yes. Initially we spent £2.99 on a standard magnifying glass from a pound saver style store and the rest of the money on beer to celebrate the fall of this shambolic, vicious, human hating shitshow of a government. But we couldn’t find the violin.”

So what happened after that?

”We squinted really hard in the corners of music shops for a while, but it was no good. Still, we did purchase streamers and poppers etc while out and about, so the celebration supplies continued to accrue.”

And after that?

”Bifocals. No good. Purchased tinned hotdogs though. Then a standard microscope as you’d find in a secondary school. Zip. Only found a cello. Clearly too large. But we did make a playlist of songs for the big day.”

Whose idea was it to purchase an electron microscope for the task?

“That was done on the advice of the man selling it. It seemed good advice. And more importantly he was right.”

Congratulations.

”Thank you. We’re very pleased. But there’s going to be real difficulty playing the violin when the moment arrives?”

Because it’s so desperately tiny?

”No. Because everyone will be so busy laughing.”

That makes sense. Well done all the same. What’s next for you?

”I’m off to work out why people keep needles in haystacks to begin with. Deeply puzzling behaviour.”

New Defence Secretary Penny Mordaunt has taken office, but has immediately encountered a hairy problem. The tarantula belonging to her predecessor, Gavin Williamson, is still on his old desk.

An aide, bringing Mordaunt some big red Brexit boxes, found her gazing at the creature dreamily. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this,” she mused. “I think I’ll call him Peter Parker.”

Williamson reportedly tried to reclaim the arachnid, but was denied entry. “Who are you, anyway?” screamed the security man. “You’re nobody, that’s who you are. Now bugger off!”

Parker has already been promoted to thief-catching duties, since he spins a web, any size, and catches thieves just like flies.

With eight legs, he can also answer the phone and write memos at the same time. Parker’s only stipulation is that his true identity remains a secret.

Parker’s old boss, Williamson, has been fingered for negotiating phone contracts while taking a leak. The web of intrigue over 5G security has unravelled a little. Chinese company Huawei insists they are not on the take. It’s a Chinese take Huawei.

Williamson kept the tarantula to reinforce his hard-man image. He is so hard, that he can beat up an egg without getting seriously injured. Stories abound of visitors being intimidated by the spider. “Why the f@&# has that twat got a tarantula on his desk?” was a frequent comment heard at the Defence Department.

From fireplaces to getting fired, Williamson’s career looks like going down in flames.

Meanwhile, Mordaunt has been more or less daunted by the scale of the job left to her. It is not the arms sales, or the fact that her Army is on permanent standby to solve every imaginable problem. It is not even being less famous than a spider. It is striving for relevance when Brexit overshadows everything.

In breaking news, Peter Parker is the latest individual to put himself forward as a potential Tory party leader.

MAKING MONEY EXCLUSIVE : LCD VIEWS is proud to help launch FTN’s genius new second income smartphone app for MPs!

In order to do just that we’ve asked Feather The Nest’s CEO, Mr Monee Isfree, in for a cosy fireside chat.

”I like the flames!” Mr Monee begins our interview, “I see you’re using FTN’s digital fireside app to replicate the feeling everything in the office is homely and warm.”

We certainly are. The way your app turns a smartphone into a projector and covers the walls and ceilings in fire is pure genius. We can easily see how you’ve achieved unicorn status in the gig economy in only your first year. Until the rafters fall in we’re not going anywhere.

”Nice. But I see you haven’t downloaded the latest version, released five seconds ago, that adds marshmallows on sticks to the view.”

We’ll get right on that while you tell our fascinated voting public about FTN’s new genius smartphone app for MPs.

”Thank you for the opportunity.”

Our pleasure.

”At FTN we’re always on the lookout for ways to disrupt tired democracies.”

Nice.

”That’s why we developed Golden Goose, the new smartphone app just for serving, and recently retired, MPs.”

They need all the help they can get. Being an MP is a full time job!

”Just as it should be. But how to get that second, third or even fourth income you need to make sure you leave parliament so much richer for the experience?”

A pressing question. I’m sure the record number of foodbank users in employment and families below the poverty line would like to know.

”Oh, this isn’t for them. But this is a way to let a digital disruptor in the gig economy give an MP more time to vote for strengthening punishments on welfare recipients, to give them the encouragement they need to work harder and be what they always wanted to be.”

Just so special. So how does Golden Goose work?

”It’s as easy as 1,2,3. An MP simply installs the app on their smartphone or tablet, selects the party they’re a member of and asks FTN’s wizardry to align the MP with industry lobbyists they’re most sympathetic to.”

And after that the money just rolls in?

”Straight into a bank account, potentially hidden in a complex web of offshore holdings. But don’t ask me, I just design the GUI, all that is for the accountants.”

This is really something. So if I’m from a low income family, worried about escalating costs, worried if the NHS will be sold off wholesale by the time I retire, all I have to do is become an MP and I’m set? Brexit or no Brexit?”

”That’s it. Although sadly not all MPs will use our app, we’re pretty sure a lot will and the face of our democracy will continue to change to more closely resemble the painting of Dorian Grey hidden in that loft.”

That’s it! I’m off to put myself forward for selection before the next GE. Thanks a lot Mr Monee.

”Oh, don’t thank me, thank the company who will be happy to pay you potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds a year for just a few hours work a week.”

Lovely, money really is virtually free.

“But only if you’re an MP.”

TGIF : Tory MP Johnny Merciless is reportedly injured after a fight with a Bladerunner, who operates under the code name of Ian Hislop.

It seems the fracas occurred during a question and answer session designed to determine whether or not the Tory MP is a replicant, like most currently elected to parliament, or an actual human being concerned about the welfare of their most vulnerable constituents. We include in this EU27 citizens, given the MP’s voting record on legislation designed to make their lives living hell during Brexit.

https://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/25367/johnny_mercer/plymouth%2C_moor_view/votes

“It was when Ian asked Merciless to tell him about his mother that things kicked off,” our synthetics analyst says, after viewing tape of the incident, “it quickly became a shooting war.”

Why the question so enraged the suspected replicant is not yet clear, but it’s believed the answer lies in the phrase ‘the mother of all parliaments’.

“Mother is believed to take a dim view of the activities of her current adopted darlings,” our analyst muses, “in particular the current craze amongst the kids to have second incomes that dwarf their salaries as MPs, but require a fraction of the time commitment, while overseeing austerity and the punishment of anyone they can identify who was born into less fortunate circumstances than the majority of the MPs.”

It’s actually thought that the system for registering income earned additional to parliament’s salary should now be recorded as many MPs first salary, given the disparity in size to the MP one. Could this lead to a conflict of interests? It’s a pressing question that needs addressing.

“While I don’t know the ins and outs of the Johnny Merciless case, so I’m not commenting on that specifically, a general question needs to be asked whether or not massive second incomes are fit and proper for serving MPs? Because of the potential they create for distraction from the MP’s full time job as a representative of the people?”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/ian-hislop-johnny-mercer-have-i-got-news-for-you_uk_5cc46813e4b08e4e3482aa9e/

The Bladerunner in question seems to have emerged from the tussle less wounded. Johnny Merciless has been returned to the Tyrell Corporation for repairs and it’s assumed will shortly be back in business.

 

The latest addition to the political party scene has proved to be an instant hit. The Great British Cuppa Party (GBCP) has attracted voters from across the spectrum.

“I expect Nigel Farage is a bit put out,” said Betty Spysztov, GBCP founder. “Everyone at the WI and the Mothers’ Union was saying to me, I’m sick of politics, I would rather have a nice cup of tea. So the GBCP was born, and people with Brexit Fatigue have flocked to us in droves.”

This is despite having no funding, no policies and no manifesto. “It worked for Nigel,” observed Spysztov wryly.

Candidates are standing, or more often sitting, in every region. Armed with nothing more than a China tea set, a table and a set of dining room chairs, some of the more progressive candidates are also offering cake.

Nigel Farage has tried to emulate this naked populism by launching his very own Beer And Fags Party, but ran into difficulties. “We had a large take-up initially,” Farage grumbled. “But then our members’ wives told them not to be so silly, they drink too much anyway, and to have a nice cup of tea, and a slice of Battenburg, and not to argue. I had to cancel the piss-up in the brewery.”

But the GBCP has already run into difficulties. “Coffee drinkers have felt disenfranchised,” explained Spysztov. “And factions have developed. We have an Earl Grey splinter group, who are really hardcore. Already the milk-firsters and the tea-firsters are barely on speaking terms. There are purists who argue that we shouldn’t serve cake at all, although some permit biscuits, just not Jaffa Cakes. And don’t get me started on whether ‘scone’ should be pronounced ‘scone’ or ‘scone’!”

Despite all this, the GBCP is polling consistently around the 42% mark, enough to give Brussels a decent tea break during the next parliament.

Tea Leaves means Tea Leaves. Pop the kettle on, brew up, slice the cake. We’re off to Brussels.

BREAKING : The UK’s transport infrastructure is without leadership today after the man responsible for making sure the trains don’t run on time, Chris Grayling, was rushed to A&E, believed to be suffering from acute fatigue.

It’s thought the breaking point was getting interim leader of Change UK+TIG+CHUK, Heidi Allen, to not only have multiple names for one new brand, as well as a logo that looks like a draft plan for a zebra crossing, but to also put the kiss of death into their electoral chances in the upcoming European parliament elections by suggesting a ‘clean Brexit’ should be on any confirmatory referendum.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/heidi-allen-interview-in-the-house-magazine-1-6018710

“Shortly before dawn emergency services in Surrey were called to a private address after reports of a middle aged male in clown shoes collapsing,” a source inside Ashtead A&E claimed to have told LCD Views, “it’s believed he reached breaking point trying to devise a new campaign leaflet for Labour after hitting a home run with the PV free first one.”

https://www.politicshome.com/news/uk/political-parties/labour-party/news/103454/anger-labour-european-election-leaflets-fail

It’s not known how serious the man’s condition is, but our sources say medics are confident that after connecting him to an IV line, connected to a spinning bowtie that spurts water, he should recharge.

“It takes immense mental strength to ruin three electoral campaigns consecutively,” our source added, “and run them into the ground at the same time. Getting to the point where local Conservative activists refuse to campaign for the party was achievement enough. The Labour leaflet fiasco and then the massive work done for Change UK, well, anyone would be out of steam.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/apr/19/tory-councillors-refuse-to-campaign-for-next-months-eu-elections

The individual concerned is expected to be kept under observation over the weekend, with a red nose firmly attached to lift his spirits in the hope he will make a full recovery.

“As long as sufficient sources of slapstick and clowning are kept in his environment he’ll be back on his feet and ready to lend the LibDems and Greens a hand, should they be foolish enough to reach out for one in the coming weeks.”

We wish the man concerned a slow recovery. He’s done enough for the country already. He should be allowed to rest.

Formerly fluffy headed buffoon Boris Johnson has apparently given up on ever leading the Conservative Party. Instead he has set his sights on leading the ERG.

Out will go the staid leadership of Jacob Rees-Mogg. In will come a group fashioned in Boris’ own image. No more European Research, as Boris never did any anyway. Instead, it will become the BOris Rules! Group, or BORG for short.

The BORG will then attempt a takeover of the whole of Parliament. This will happen by assimilation, as entire factions succumb to the charm of the straw-headed straw man. The BORG collective will absorb all knowledge, and become immune to all opposition.

This will greatly assist some of the current ERG’s lesser lights. Suddenly, mutton-headed gammonistas like Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen will instead become drones. They will drone on and on, but be in possession of the hive mind. Loss of individuality and the necessity to recharge the batteries at regular intervals will be small inconveniences.

Other changes will occur. Instead of Rees-Mogg’s schoolboy Latin, BORG drones will spout cod Shakespeare, and waffle and stammer in an endearing fashion. The clowning will conceal a burning ambition to rule the Delta Quadrant, and conquer the Klingons, the Ferengi, and the Kardashians.

But the biggest target of the BORG will be the Federation, otherwise known as the EU. The BORG’s mission statement reads, ‘This is the EU of our discontent’. It is prepared to refight the Battle of Bosworth every year until the right side wins. The BORG will absorb the defection that cost the King the battle, so that treachery becomes the norm.

“A whore, a whore!” they will cry. “My constituency for a whore!”

The BORG King himself will sit at the centre of the web, pulling the strings, while dashing off another load of guff for The Telegraph. He will then unwind with a stiff brandy and a voluptuous secretary.

It will be a Titanic success. Unless it hits an iceBORG…

LCD Views can exclusively report today that little known digital television channel, Channel 4, is to premiere an expose which reveals that the entirety of British politics has been faked since 23/06/16.

“That’s actually fake news right there,” a producer at the up and coming channel told us, “the fakery really started after the Conservative victory in the 2015 GE and the passing of referendum legislation that in hindsight was clearly designed for gerrymandering and hijacking if even a narrow victory in a so called advisory poll was achieved. Oh, achieved through criminality and foreign interference by dark money and mass social media manipulation.”

But why haven’t the government acted to expose all that?

”You mean the government that’s attempting to profit from it?”

Oh. What about the official opposition? They must be bloody furious about the faking of an entire parliament just pretending to govern in the national interest?”

“You mean the ‘we respect the result of the referendum’ official opposition striving for a Brexit that um, ah, protects workers’ rights, jobs and investment?”

Are you accusing them of being in on it too? If that’s the case you should bog off and join the Tories!

”That’s a vote winning electoral strategy. Especially if you’re faking your opposition to government policy while supporting the delivery of it in principle.”

Well, at least the cross party talks on a Brexit compromise show an end to the farce. That’s mature politics.

”You’re talking about May and Corbyn sitting down to agree a deal that will destroy both of them if they do?”

Oh. We’re fcuk’d aren’t we?

”No. We have to get out and vote. First at the local elections in May. Then at the European Parliament elections late May. Then at the GE in August and finally at the confirmatory ballot on Brexit in early October.”

But who should we vote for?

”Anyone who isn’t lying through their teeth.”

Short list then!

”Currently, but if people vote for the honest brokers the list will lengthen every day.”