Category: Governing the people

Airtime is vital, ask any advertiser. Any publicity is good, even if you are a dodgy secondhand car salesman. Or leader of a populist movement.

The man, whose initials are coincidentally the same as the proto-Nazi National Front, has had another meltdown. This happened during his regular slot as a guest on the Andrew Marr Show. The minute he was gently challenged, he launched into a perfectly scripted rant about how his airtime was being restricted. Live on national TV.

The man, who hates Europe but has a French name and secured German passports for his kids, is lying through his teeth and knows it. Once a salesman, always a salesman, he will say anything to close a deal. Put simply, he is selling himself, and using Brexit as his overpriced and unreliable vehicle.

The man of the people, who rubs shoulders with the likes of Donald Trump and has a chauffeur-driven car, feels his influence is diminished. He will not be satisfied until a news crew follows him around 24 hours a day, with interviewers telling him how wonderful he is. His ego could fill Trump Tower, and his tongue could fill Trump’s backside.

The man, who is prone to crashing aeroplanes, cars and economies, works so hard that he wants to be an MP as well as an MEP. His definition of ‘work’ starts and finishes with his election. Draw your salary, insult your employer, and return to public acclaim. If he is eighth time lucky, don’t expect him to fight your corner in Parliament, either at home or in the EU. The only corner he fights is his own.

The man, who has his own radio chat show broadcast five times a week, feels his message is not getting across. His almost permanent Question Time seat, his work for US network Fox News, and regular appearances across the mass media, are insufficient to whet his appetite. Either he has a whole bag of chips on his shoulder, or else he is a truly cheap, shameless, two-bit media whore.

It’s all a load of hot airtime.

WORK EXPERIENCE : Exciting news today that Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have negotiated a one week job swap.

Under the terms of the arrangement, which are being hammered out at the moment by Starmer and Liddington, the LOTO and the PM will do each other’s jobs for six days, and rest on the seventh, before resuming their usual roles.

”It’s so Jeremy gets a chance to deliver Brexit,” a Labour source revealed, “and May gets to feel the worship of a proper, banging cult.”

How the swap will change the dynamics of parliament isn’t clear, as it will happen during the one week recess at the end of May.

”Jeremy didn’t want to be faced with making any actual decisions and neither did Theresa,” the source goes on, “but as neither are actually that interested in what parliament thinks, it won’t be problematic.”

There is a concern that the deal will accelerate capital flight out of the United Kingdom, but as both leaders are Brexiters, and as the Tories are now a party of ‘f*ck business’ too, most are sanguine about that especially impact.

”Jeremy will make sure the Islington North bus services are sorted out, that’s fod sure,” the source adds, “and he may even launch a land invasion of the Crimea as a cover so his advisor can met some friends face to face, before negotiating an orderly withdrawal.”

Expectations the week will see a revitalised NHS have been downplayed though, as both leaders are committed to ending FOM and so happy to shit all over the EU27 workers.

”The only real risk I perceive is May refusing to take her old job back,” the source adds, “as running a party that doesn’t completely hate your guts is going to be a giddy, one off experience.”

TWIDDLING THUMBS : Daily now the rumours, and sometimes outright calls, from the (lunatics) Conservative Party to change the leadership mount and grow. But why? We had to find out why.

So we asked.

”It’s because we’re bored,” Mike Brady, stepfather of the party and chairman of the 1622 committee (it attempts to keep the monsters in the party’s many basements) tells, “we’ve ticked off the to do list. Name one thing we haven’t completely taken care of in the last nine years?”

Poverty and wealth inequality?

”Massively increased to almost revolution causing levels. We better enjoy the warm glow of wealth transfer for a bit and hold it there.”

Climate Change?

”We’ve started fracking and cut support for renewables wherever possible. We can’t do much more without political kickback. Right now the kids are still with us. But let’s not push our luck.”

Housing?

”We’ve a nation of landlords. Millions spend the majority of their pay packets just keeping a roof over their heads. This will do until we privatise the NHS and start forcing people to sell their homes or live in squats to pay for care.”

Badgers?

”Shot most. If you see one tell me.”

International reputation?

”Everyone sees us in a new light now. First Boris now Jeremy, I mean, what more? See, you could go on and talk about the probation service and alcohol and drug rehab and school funding, but what’s the point?”

Brexit! Gotcha!

”What do you mean? The Labour Party leadership has infected itself. It’s got political Ebola now too. Dust me hands off me love, my work is done. Can I go now?”

Where to?

”I’ve got to put my feet up and decide if I’m running for party leader before a leadership contest is called too. Bit of premature political spaffulation never did anyone any harm.”

Mr Brady thank you for your time and good luck in the leadership contest. After all, it does really seem like your party’s work under first Cameron, and now May, is done.

POUNDSTORE DRUMPFS: The Tories are set to regain their reputation for strong and stable governance shortly if the plan to swap the woman fiddling while Rome burns for a clown with a bus and a megaphone comes off.

”This won’t do anything to fight the fire,” backbench Tory MP, Mr Dee Saster, told LCD Views, “fires are quite profitable if you’ve positioned yourself properly in advance, before starting them.”

The move to replace the Brexit patsy with a proper boofhead will be welcomed by many in the membership who long ceased to be functionally sane.

”We have to help build America’s empire,” the backbencher added, “now is the time for the useless idiots to strike!”

Quite how they’ll remove the incumbent PM isn’t clear, but it’s believed to involve a change to the rules of the party. This will allow them to vote again, because some now believe they made a mistake the first time. Clearly not an option that should be available to the hoi polloi.

”If we can just get that bloody woman out of Downing Street everything will be fine,” the MP went on, “old Junker won’t know what hit him when Boris swans into Brussels and lays a word salad or two on him. Backstop? What backstop? Who are the Irish again? Victory is certain.”

Queries about how functionally democratic such an event would be, with about 0.000000001% of the UK’s voters involved in it, have been dismissed.

”Haven’t the people heard they had a vote on all this years ago. It would be a travesty of the democratic process to let them vote again. They should get themselves some marshmallows and toast them on the flames.”

Sound advice.

”Yes. Just let me go long on marsh and mallows first, then enjoy the song.”

Mainstream politicians from both major parties are insisting that they are listening to the people. But, unlike the opinion of the people, their message is unchanged. Critics claim that this is a case of Institutional Deafness.

What is Institutional Deafness? LCD’s Hear No Evil correspondent went to find out.

“Institutional Deafness is becoming endemic,” claimed political expert Anna List. “It is the phenomenon of listening, then wilfully misinterpreting what has been said. It tends to affect public figures of low intelligence and few morals.”

Is it catching?

“Institutional deafness is highly contagious,” replied List. “Major hospitals across the country have put their ear departments on red alert. I fear that many of our leading politicians have already been infected.”

“That’s nonsense,” countered Con Party spokesman Livid Dadlington. “Brexit means Brexit, the people have spoken, anyone voting against Brexit has been betrayed by the betrayal narratives and is to be pitied. So we lost a few local councillors, who gives a shit? All the more reason to plough on with it!”

“I have to agree with Livid,” agreed Garry Bardiner, of the Labouring Under A Misapprehension Party. “It is our duty to help get this Con Brexit over the line, even though we know it’s selling the country down the river. The people are much too well informed now. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.”

The message is clear. A vote for either of the mainstream parties is a vote for Brexit. Therefore, voting for neither is also a vote for Brexit.

The People’s Vote people have packed it in, because a vote against Brexit is now revealed to be a vote to bloody well get on with it.

Meanwhile, the zombie that is Brexit lumbers on, a policy in search of a purpose, like an elephant who has been told to get a room.

The search is on for an enormous wooden stake, and somebody brave enough to wield it.

GET AUNTEE GIN NOW : “No one knows what it means! Aargh!,” a BBC celebra-tory “journalist” told LCD Views this morning.

”Can you help explain it to me?” They pleaded, huffing and puffing down the line, “how can I spin these results as pro-Brexit if I don’t what it means?”

The source of the confusion seemed to be that smaller parties have made massive gains in the local elections held on May 23rd in large swathes of the U.K.

”If these results were just in London,” the journalist gasped, “we could dismiss them as zzzzz what you’d expect from Remoaniac heaven. But a lot of them are in kippervilles! Aargh!”

Although, as a worthy aside, Boris Johnson tweeted, and then deleted, that he’d voted in the locals. He deleted it after it was pointed out his area didn’t have locals. Ever the liar. It’s in his blood, he lives and breathes…

”Clearly the massive swing to Liberal Democrats and Greens is because people are frustrated at the government and Labour’s failure to slam through a wrecking ball Brexit. So they’ve taken it out on the big parties by voting for aggressively pro-EU ones. Voters are so passive aggressive!”

We don’t think that’s what the results mean.

”But what can it be?”

If you can’t work out why smaller parties not endlessly engulfed in racism scandals, and anti-Brexit (btw Brexit is a giant racism scandal), have seen such a swing in the locals, then there’s no hope for you.

”Fuck it. We ignored last year’s swing to Libdems and Greens but this one is undeniable. We’re going to have to spin so fast we’re liable to cause Broadcasting House to break its moorings and levitate.”

Good luck with that.

LCD Views would like to commend the voters of the U.K. for giving the Brexit parties a severe bloody nose, and on the same day a fascist got a facial, it gives you hope that no matter how badly the country may currently be led by the major parties and their adherence to the corrupt frauderendum, change is coming, whether the Brexiters leading Tories and Labour like it or not.

MICROSCOPIC FOCUS : LCD Views can exclusively reveal today that Professor WTF, head of electo-magneticivity research at Merry Daisy University, Herts, has used an electron microscope to find a violin small enough to play when May’s government finally falls.

”I knew it was in there somewhere,” the professor told us, “if we just looked hard enough. The problem was choosing the right research tool for the job. This was more complicated than finding a needle in a haystack. And extremely expensive. Happily disgruntled business people, former Tory donors, showed up with the cash needed.”

So it was just a matter of being able to search the micro world?

”Yes. Initially we spent £2.99 on a standard magnifying glass from a pound saver style store and the rest of the money on beer to celebrate the fall of this shambolic, vicious, human hating shitshow of a government. But we couldn’t find the violin.”

So what happened after that?

”We squinted really hard in the corners of music shops for a while, but it was no good. Still, we did purchase streamers and poppers etc while out and about, so the celebration supplies continued to accrue.”

And after that?

”Bifocals. No good. Purchased tinned hotdogs though. Then a standard microscope as you’d find in a secondary school. Zip. Only found a cello. Clearly too large. But we did make a playlist of songs for the big day.”

Whose idea was it to purchase an electron microscope for the task?

“That was done on the advice of the man selling it. It seemed good advice. And more importantly he was right.”

Congratulations.

”Thank you. We’re very pleased. But there’s going to be real difficulty playing the violin when the moment arrives?”

Because it’s so desperately tiny?

”No. Because everyone will be so busy laughing.”

That makes sense. Well done all the same. What’s next for you?

”I’m off to work out why people keep needles in haystacks to begin with. Deeply puzzling behaviour.”

New Defence Secretary Penny Mordaunt has taken office, but has immediately encountered a hairy problem. The tarantula belonging to her predecessor, Gavin Williamson, is still on his old desk.

An aide, bringing Mordaunt some big red Brexit boxes, found her gazing at the creature dreamily. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this,” she mused. “I think I’ll call him Peter Parker.”

Williamson reportedly tried to reclaim the arachnid, but was denied entry. “Who are you, anyway?” screamed the security man. “You’re nobody, that’s who you are. Now bugger off!”

Parker has already been promoted to thief-catching duties, since he spins a web, any size, and catches thieves just like flies.

With eight legs, he can also answer the phone and write memos at the same time. Parker’s only stipulation is that his true identity remains a secret.

Parker’s old boss, Williamson, has been fingered for negotiating phone contracts while taking a leak. The web of intrigue over 5G security has unravelled a little. Chinese company Huawei insists they are not on the take. It’s a Chinese take Huawei.

Williamson kept the tarantula to reinforce his hard-man image. He is so hard, that he can beat up an egg without getting seriously injured. Stories abound of visitors being intimidated by the spider. “Why the f@&# has that twat got a tarantula on his desk?” was a frequent comment heard at the Defence Department.

From fireplaces to getting fired, Williamson’s career looks like going down in flames.

Meanwhile, Mordaunt has been more or less daunted by the scale of the job left to her. It is not the arms sales, or the fact that her Army is on permanent standby to solve every imaginable problem. It is not even being less famous than a spider. It is striving for relevance when Brexit overshadows everything.

In breaking news, Peter Parker is the latest individual to put himself forward as a potential Tory party leader.

MAKING MONEY EXCLUSIVE : LCD VIEWS is proud to help launch FTN’s genius new second income smartphone app for MPs!

In order to do just that we’ve asked Feather The Nest’s CEO, Mr Monee Isfree, in for a cosy fireside chat.

”I like the flames!” Mr Monee begins our interview, “I see you’re using FTN’s digital fireside app to replicate the feeling everything in the office is homely and warm.”

We certainly are. The way your app turns a smartphone into a projector and covers the walls and ceilings in fire is pure genius. We can easily see how you’ve achieved unicorn status in the gig economy in only your first year. Until the rafters fall in we’re not going anywhere.

”Nice. But I see you haven’t downloaded the latest version, released five seconds ago, that adds marshmallows on sticks to the view.”

We’ll get right on that while you tell our fascinated voting public about FTN’s new genius smartphone app for MPs.

”Thank you for the opportunity.”

Our pleasure.

”At FTN we’re always on the lookout for ways to disrupt tired democracies.”

Nice.

”That’s why we developed Golden Goose, the new smartphone app just for serving, and recently retired, MPs.”

They need all the help they can get. Being an MP is a full time job!

”Just as it should be. But how to get that second, third or even fourth income you need to make sure you leave parliament so much richer for the experience?”

A pressing question. I’m sure the record number of foodbank users in employment and families below the poverty line would like to know.

”Oh, this isn’t for them. But this is a way to let a digital disruptor in the gig economy give an MP more time to vote for strengthening punishments on welfare recipients, to give them the encouragement they need to work harder and be what they always wanted to be.”

Just so special. So how does Golden Goose work?

”It’s as easy as 1,2,3. An MP simply installs the app on their smartphone or tablet, selects the party they’re a member of and asks FTN’s wizardry to align the MP with industry lobbyists they’re most sympathetic to.”

And after that the money just rolls in?

”Straight into a bank account, potentially hidden in a complex web of offshore holdings. But don’t ask me, I just design the GUI, all that is for the accountants.”

This is really something. So if I’m from a low income family, worried about escalating costs, worried if the NHS will be sold off wholesale by the time I retire, all I have to do is become an MP and I’m set? Brexit or no Brexit?”

”That’s it. Although sadly not all MPs will use our app, we’re pretty sure a lot will and the face of our democracy will continue to change to more closely resemble the painting of Dorian Grey hidden in that loft.”

That’s it! I’m off to put myself forward for selection before the next GE. Thanks a lot Mr Monee.

”Oh, don’t thank me, thank the company who will be happy to pay you potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds a year for just a few hours work a week.”

Lovely, money really is virtually free.

“But only if you’re an MP.”

TGIF : Tory MP Johnny Merciless is reportedly injured after a fight with a Bladerunner, who operates under the code name of Ian Hislop.

It seems the fracas occurred during a question and answer session designed to determine whether or not the Tory MP is a replicant, like most currently elected to parliament, or an actual human being concerned about the welfare of their most vulnerable constituents. We include in this EU27 citizens, given the MP’s voting record on legislation designed to make their lives living hell during Brexit.

https://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/25367/johnny_mercer/plymouth%2C_moor_view/votes

“It was when Ian asked Merciless to tell him about his mother that things kicked off,” our synthetics analyst says, after viewing tape of the incident, “it quickly became a shooting war.”

Why the question so enraged the suspected replicant is not yet clear, but it’s believed the answer lies in the phrase ‘the mother of all parliaments’.

“Mother is believed to take a dim view of the activities of her current adopted darlings,” our analyst muses, “in particular the current craze amongst the kids to have second incomes that dwarf their salaries as MPs, but require a fraction of the time commitment, while overseeing austerity and the punishment of anyone they can identify who was born into less fortunate circumstances than the majority of the MPs.”

It’s actually thought that the system for registering income earned additional to parliament’s salary should now be recorded as many MPs first salary, given the disparity in size to the MP one. Could this lead to a conflict of interests? It’s a pressing question that needs addressing.

“While I don’t know the ins and outs of the Johnny Merciless case, so I’m not commenting on that specifically, a general question needs to be asked whether or not massive second incomes are fit and proper for serving MPs? Because of the potential they create for distraction from the MP’s full time job as a representative of the people?”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/ian-hislop-johnny-mercer-have-i-got-news-for-you_uk_5cc46813e4b08e4e3482aa9e/

The Bladerunner in question seems to have emerged from the tussle less wounded. Johnny Merciless has been returned to the Tyrell Corporation for repairs and it’s assumed will shortly be back in business.