Category: Governing the people

Labour has responded to their outstanding success in recent elections by calling for a general election. Strategists are projecting that Labour could win as many as 150 seats.

“This is our moment!” claimed Labour insider Les Ismore. “The Tories are in disarray. We lost fewer than them, that means we won!”

Doesn’t the fact that other parties won more seats than Labour concern you?

“What? No way,” replied Ismore. “We have a two party system, you know!”

So how will things pan out, given that the two main parties did so poorly?

“We did well. Very well indeed,” Ismore corrected. We are on course to win a landslide of cast-iron safe Labour seats!”

All the available information says that a Remain orientated, second referendum supporting Labour party would clean up at at a general election.

“But that is not an option,” mealy-mouthed Ismore. “We promised to respect the first referendum, however corrupt and however narrow the result. It’s the will of the people, and what the people want now is irrelevant.”

How many voters would you lose by changing tack?

“Lots. Hundreds. Dozens, maybe,” admitted Ismore. “But they are the ones threatening violence, and we deplore violence.”

How does that square with ‘For the many, not the few’?

“It makes perfect sense for the many Brexit supporters!” replied Ismore.

Meanwhile there is a growing grassroots rebellion in The North. Natural Labour supporters, disappointed with their party sucking up to fascists, are taking direct action.

“We ain’t throwing milkshakes!” explained activist Chuck Foodstuffs. “Instead, we are slathering anyone who comes beyond the M25 to preach Brexit with tomato ketchup.”

Wouldn’t brown sauce be more, erm, Northern?

“Aye, but no self-respecting northerner would throw their brown sauce,” explained Foodstuffs. “It’s practically currency oop ‘ere.”

If a general election is called, expect to see a lot of red-faced Labour campaigners.

Shock news emerged this morning as the new frontrunner in the Tory leadership race is Margaret Thatcher. Her ghost has vowed to defeat all the other insubstantial phantoms, wraiths and spirits heading towards the Brexit trap door like so many zombies.

“I must return to haunt my successors,” wailed the ghost. “There is no alternative!”

Thatcher’s ghost is expected to win by one of her landslide majorities. She will then clear out all the dead wood from the front bench. “We may have to govern on our own,” she declared.

The fact that Thatcher is actually dead is a great advantage. It should prove very useful when dealing with the skeletons in the closet.

Thatcher’s ghost declared that she had the perfect solution to Brexit. “It’s an elephant in the room,” she observed, “And elephants are scared of mice. I shall bring mice to every cabinet meeting and flush the beast out!”

This has caused an upheaval in Westminster. Boris Johnson has already withdrawn his candidacy to fawn at Thatcher’s ghost, in the hope of getting the ultimate shag.

Michael Gove is seriously worried. As a will o’ the wisp candidate, now you see him, now you don’t, Thatcher’s ghost is a threat to his undead support.

Meanwhile Chris Grayling went to have a stern word with Charon, ferryman to the underworld, about letting Thatcher return, but ended up ordering pizza. That’s how it’s done in the Styx.

Thatcher’s ghost has instantly appealed to members past and present. She represents a glorious, mythical golden age, and is every bit as alive as many Conservative voters in marginal seats.

But it is not all plain sailing. If Thatcher can return, say many disaffected Tories, why not other heroes from the past? The next person expected to stand for leadership is the winner of two world wars and one world cup, Winston Churchill.

BOLD MOVE : Underperforming and outgoing prime minister Theresa May has appointed that stalwart of efficient public governance, Christ!opher Grayling to run the Conservative Party leadership contest.

The move, described as expected, looks certain to secure her tenure inside 10 Downing Street, even after Donald Trump’s visit.

”It will never be completed,” our Conservative Party analyst observed, “the contest to replace her. That’s why she’s done it. And even if, in the most unlikely circumstances, Grayling does see the contest through to privatisation, it will have to be undone. So she’ll end up back where she wants to be, making statements that impact the Sterling exchange rates. Which is as curious for a democracy as having a Secretary of State for Health taking money from advocates of private health care.”

Grayling himself is said to be honoured by her choice and has immediately dedicated himself to making a good fist of it.

”He’s invited all the pizza delivery firms going to bid for the job,” our analyst analysers, “which is smart. Hot favourite to replace May, Boris “Fcuk Business” Johnson, won’t get you a pizza delivered by a ferry.”

The contest is expected to kick off soon and can reasonably be expected to bankrupt the United Kingdom.

”With Grayling running it? Time and cost over runs are built into the planning. Loads of people will get rich. It’s the design. That’s why he’s still there.”

We wish the Prime Minister luck with her gambit and even if it goes wrong, and we end up with a car ferry running the country, we are certain the terms and conditions attached to the next prime minister will be easy to google.

Stepping down is a stepping stone for someone stepping up to the plate. Theresa May is using her last legs to walk away from the top job with her head held low.

The race is on to find her replacement. Almost everybody in the parliamentary Conservative party has put their best foot forward to step into her kitten heels.

They won’t choose someone better than May. That would be like admitting they got it wrong last time, and they never do that. So the Tories are looking for someone even worse.

Fortunately, this means they have a huge field to choose from. But who will be the lucky loser? Who will claim the poisoned chalice? Here at LCD Views we have to concede, grudgingly, May’s success in securing a Brexit deal, even if it was shit. Who among the runners and riders could do almost as well?

“It’s like the Grand National,” argued analyst Roy Lascott. “The favourites will crowd each other out, fall at the first hurdle, and hopefully be put down.”

But who will win? “A 50-1 outsider will romp home,” said Lascott. “The winner will be less ambitious, less talented and far more cautious than any other candidate. The worst horse generally wins, and this is as true for horse racing as it is for Tory party leadership contests.”

Lascott gave LCD Views a run-down of some of the hopefuls. “Boris’ blokey bluff and bluster won’t wash with the wily Europeans,” he said. “They have professional politicians over there, rather than the not-very-gifted amateurs we have in the UK. Jeremy C. Hunt, well the name says it all. If you ask Dominic Raab to distinguish between Mark Francois and a nineties indie band, you will find he can’t tell an arse from Elbow.”

What of the other candidates?

“Michael Gove is only standing so he can stab Boris in the back again,” opined Lascott. “Sajid Javid has a chance, since he makes May look compassionate by comparison. Jeremy Corbyn is so useless that, if he weren’t in the Labour party, he would be a shoe-in.”

“To be honest, the best available candidate cannot stand – John Bercow. He would certainly bring oooooorrrrrrrddddeeeerrrrrr!”

Labour MP Geoffrey Robinson denies claims that he was a Czech spy. Rumour means rumour, but the words whispered in Westminster suggest he was working for the Russians instead.

Tittle-tattle gossiper Lou Slipps gave us the inside track on Robinson.

“Are you a genuine news outlet?” she asked nervously. Yes, allegedly, we replied. “OK, then you must remember that this is all hearsay, allegedly?” she said. Yes, yes, yes, just give us the dirt.

“Well, he is definitely a spy (allegedly),” she said. “Only not, apparently, for the Czechs, but, allegedly, for the Russians. They say he puts the Rouble into Trouble!”

This is massive, if true. Could he be the alleged link between western governments and Vladimir Putin?

“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Slipps, nodding vigorously. “Off the record – I didn’t tell you this, nor did anyone else – all the vodka in the House of Commons bars comes directly from Putin, via Robinson, in exchange for information about the government. Allegedly.”

The only problem is, that Labour are not in government.

“This is why Jeremy Corbyn has, allegedly, been instructed to back Brexit,” whispered Slipps. “In order to get close to Theresa May. The cross-party talks, allegedly, have been a cover for extracting details of the government’s strategy. This is the alleged long game!”

In order to get a perspective on things, we spoke to Robinson, who is alleged to be both the father of Tommy and husband of Mrs.

“It’s all nonsense,” blustered Robinson from his cell in the Westminster dungeons. “My all expenses paid penthouses in Prague and Moscow merely indicate a love of European culture, and provide a useful income when I’m not actively engaged in… err… cultural matters.”

Presumably that explains your fluency in Russian, and your love of Cyrillic characters?

“Yes, yes, total immersion in the culture,” he agreed. “You develop trust by integrating fully with everything Russian. They helped me enormously, and it’s good to give something back. Allegedly.”

There you have it. He is definitely not a spy. Not. Definitely not. No.

Allegedly.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48324690

The UK’s triumphant Eurovision result has been taken, equally triumphantly, as an encouraging sign. Theresa May announced that it meant that she had to get on with it and deliver Brexit.

“The People have spoken,” recited May. “Indeed, Europe has spoken. Brexit must be done, and done as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the important business of winning song competitions.”

It’s hard to argue with her analysis. The UK’s 16 whole points is far better than the usual nul points.

However, closet examination reveals that the UK actually finished bottom of the leaderboard. “That’s not a bad thing!” argued government sycophant Rose Tinted. “It means we are the strongest nation, because we are holding all the others up!”

Tinted hinted that furious discussions were going on behind closed doors. May and Corbyn are locked in talks to agree what the UK entry for 2020 should be. May wants The Only Way Is Up, while Corbyn thinks Things Can Only Get Better is better. Unfortunately, neither Yazz nor Professor Brian Cox can be persuaded to come out of retirement, and Yazz’s band, the Plastic Population, has been recycled.

The result has further implications. David Davis argues that the result will make German car makers force Angela Merkel to change the outcome.

Chris Grayling is still wondering why, for a song contest, the word ‘vision’ is needed. “It’s a real head scratcher,” he admits, scratching his arm. “After all, you can’t see a song, can you? It’s all so difficult, so the sooner we leave the EU the better.”

Dominic Raab is busy searching for Eurovision on a map. “I know it’s here somewhere!” he exclaims, a London A-Z open in front of him. “Isn’t that near Eurotunnel? Ah! Stratford! Shakespeare’s birthplace! That’s up north somewhere, isn’t it?”

But what is to happen about Brexit? The question is left hanging. Like a Puppet on a String.

The Tories have finally, and reluctantly, joined the race to the EU election. They are so reluctant to run, that they have forgotten their running shoes, and left their kit behind on the big red bus.

Naturally, some are trying to spin this as a positive. “We only lost 1300 seats in the local elections!” gushed activist Rab Idwright-Winger. “We will lose far fewer in the forthcoming EU election.”

This is undoubtedly true. There are only 18 Tory MEPs, and the challenge is for all of them to lose their seat.

Idwright-Winger had some insight into this challenge. “There’s no chance of winning,” he admitted. “Since we have only just conceded that there will have to be an election. This is the fault of Labour for failing to capitulate to our demands to get Brexit sorted this week.”

Meanwhile the Brexit Party is in pole position, leading poll after poll. “Farage’s mob are the only ones still promising a unicorn for every family,” grumbled Idwright-Winger. “People are still falling for it, which is why we haven’t ditched Brexit, nor will we ever until power is wrenched from our cold, dead hands. The Brexit Party is a personality cult, and Farage himself is a complete cult!”

We may not have heard that last word correctly.

What do The People say? Do they want Tory MEPs or not? “I couldn’t give a toss,” said one of The People, Manny Zaniland. “Every man is an island, which sounds good but I haven’t got a clue what it means. I just want my unicorn, and I’m prepared to get very cross about it indeed coz foreigners.”

Interesting analysis there.

So it looks like the Conservative Unionist Nazi Tendency party is going to lose out to the real Nazis. They are letting Farage in by the back door, which must be a pain in the arse.

People of the UK, vote with your feet. No, actually, use the little pencil on a string.

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE: There are credible reports this afternoon that the joint Tory Labour Party talks have broken down. This without finding a way to deliver baby Brexit.

Do not expect sources from either party to suggest that the problem was Brexit, but rather they’ll blame one another, as agreed, at the start of the talks.

“It was a time wasting exercise,” our political correspondent reports, “both party leaderships decided the most fruitful way to deal with the unsolvable issue of Brexit was to waste more time. That’s the only way to deal with Brexit. Just keep wasting time and hope WW3 breaks out in the interim and means you can finally ignore it.”

But a non-partisan source revealed that’s not right at all.

“They agreed on a lot very quickly, within the opening minutes,” the source is certain, “they agreed they both wanted to respect the will of the people, regardless of how narrow the result, how dumb the question or the evidence of illegality in the advisory referendum campaign,

“They agreed that they both had deep seated ideological reasons for wanting out of the EU, regardless of the endless evidence of harm to real people’s lives.  Or indeed what it will mean to be an isolated country in the 21st century world of regional power blocs,

“And they agreed that they needed to just give the people enough time to get bored with it all and give up and let them do it. Just to make it go away. It was all very easy.”

So what was the problem?

“They decided they had to make it look difficult. So they decided to spend several weeks binging on shows on Netflix. That’s when the disagreement started.”

Why?

“Theresa wanted to search for ‘Will of the People’, but Jeremy was adamant they should watch ‘Battleship Potemkin’ followed by ‘I Am Cuba’. But Theresa couldn’t think of a second film she wanted to watch. Without a balance they couldn’t agree to swap favourite films. So they then spent the next six weeks trawling through Netflix, watching previews, before giving it up in despair.”

Makes sense. We’ve all been there.

Theresa May, Prime Minister for Exiting 10 Downing Street, has announced her intention to step down. Many complex factors are at play, so she has asked Northern Rail to organise a timetable.

“Who better than a railway company?” says chronology expert Minnie Tanned. “They have to be able to make very big metal things roll along metal tracks without bumping into anything, and other complicated shit.”

But why Northern, when other franchises manage to avoid train crashes most days?

“Northern has a reputation for being flexible,” replies Tanned. “They are proactive and only run a train when it feels right to do so. Their timetables are advisory only.”

This sounds a perfect fit for the PM in name only. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she grated. “I will step down when my Brexit deal is approved by Parliament, or when it isn’t. This will certainly be before, during, or after the current Parliamentary session.”

The two seem a perfect fit. May’s departure has been announced to the expectant public many times, only for it to be cancelled at the last minute due to ‘technical reasons’. Just like a Northern train.

This cosy arrangement has landed Transport Secretary Chris Grayling in hot water again. Other train operators are demanding compensation from the government because Grayling forgot to consider other options.

“I’m not even sure what a train is,” clarified a harrassed-sounding Grayling over a crackly phone line. “Isn’t it part of a wedding dress? I will be able to elaborate when I reach the office, but I’m having trouble following my map. Oooh! There’s Bavaria! That’s a posh bit of London, isn’t it?”

It’s reassuring to know that the process is in safe hands.

It is widely believed that fascists, whatever their faults, make the trains run on time. Thankfully, Northern Rail has completely failed the Fascism Test, so Nazis won’t be taking over any time soon.

TWIDDLING THUMBS : Fantastic news for anyone concerned about the ongoing governance of the United Kingdom today. Firstly, there really isn’t any, but secondly that’s because everything is now fine.

To celebrate the people who used to do stuff in the Palace of Westminster have decided to replace the lower house of parliament with a popular social media GIF.

“Bercow will still be in his chair though,” our parliamentary correspondent reports, “because he’s a smash hit. He’s the top rated programme on the BBC’s parliament channel. Mostly because he seemed to be about the only person capable of getting anything done in the house, before they realised everything was now fine.”

And there’s no need to worry about MPs suddenly getting deluged with constituency work, because everything is now fine.

“It only took nine years to turn the UK into a total basket case,” a Tory source told us, “but we’ve done it. We’ve earned our rest. We’re going to concentrate on our leadership contest now. We need a renewed vision for the future. Someone to oversee the inevitable breakdown of the actual union of the United Kingdom, now that everything is fine.”

But not everyone is happy that everything is fine.

“There’s always a few killjoys,” the Tory source shrugs, “sticks in the mud. Glass half empty types. I wouldn’t pay them any heed.”

Anyone else who may have a furrowed brow at the news parliament is now just a GIF which repeats itself constantly should consider, if this is what just deciding to do Brexit has done to parliament, before it’s even happened, imagine what it’s going to be like if the crazed bastards ever actually begin the diabolical, far right project?

To celebrate we’ve added a link below to a page just full of reassuring GIFs communicating the message that this is fine.

https://tenor.com/search/this-is-fine-gifs