Category: Governing the people

Donald Trump has backed Boris Johnson’s Tory leadership bid – but has some important advice. If you want to be an international leader, you have to be more orange.

Trump knows what he is talking about. After all, he is President of the United States, the World, the Universe, and Loompaland.

His advice was, naturally, splashed across social media. “Boris is a bigly great man!” read one typical post. “He learned from the best – me! I admire his hair, I LOVE his attitude. Like me, he is being bullied for telling his version of the truth. Prime Ministerial harassment!”

So far, so Trump. But a late night missive from the presidential bathroom contained the vital missing link. It read, “Boris must be MORE ORANGE if you covfefe”

Rumours that the President actually did an Elvis and died on the throne, mid-tweet, have been greatly exaggerated.

Analysts have been puzzling over the end of this tweet. However the initial advice is sound. To become PM, Boris must go on a diet of Wotsits.

Johnson himself is delighted. “I absolutely love Wotsits,” he admitted. “I also love Trump. I particularly admire the way he says whatever he likes without fear of getting Muellered. The courts won’t find me guilty either. I’m Boris Johnson. Talking bollocks is what I do. They can’t prosecute me for being me!”

Members of Boris’ staff reveal that he is stockpiling skin pigmentation products as well as Wotsits. He is going to reveal his new statesmanlike appearance at the televised beauty contest. This is already being described as ‘going the full red panda’.

Unfortunately, Trump has recently cut all communications with Boris. Johnson believes Trump is mixing him up with Nigel Farage. “It’s ridiculous!” said Boris. “After all, he’s a mendacious, lying, narcissistic twat, with his own personal advancement being his only goal in life. We are nothing alike!”

The future’s bright…

POLL AXED : Brexiters, Lexiters, Corbynites and Moggdolytes are taking comfort in each other’s arms at the news SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon, and future Libdem leader Jo Swinson, are all set to replace May/Foster as joint leaders in Downing Street.

”It’s a new dawn,” a distraught looking Moggodolyte sniffled, thumbing through a memorial edition of Jacob Rees-mogg’s fantasy novel about crushing the poor, “and it’s a terrifying one. They might want to make us pay tax to fund public services sufficiently again and restore civil society. The end of neoliberal Darwinianism? It’s terrifying.”

Lexiters were also emotional.

”I dedicated decades attempting to turn England into a time capsule of the 1970’s crossed with an endless communist revolution. I was going to personally make the trains run on time. What’s left to live for? These two capitalist stooge’s will keep us shackled to EU rules on human and worker’s rights, gender and racial equality, new reforms to curb the tax dodgers, environmental focus in an attempt to keep the environment habitable? It’s horrifying. Where’s the room for a worker’s utopia with re-education camps for thought criminals in all that?”

Not to be missed out the Corbynite’s were just furious.

”I didn’t spend the last three years telling anyone who queried Corbyn’s stance on Brexit on social media to fuck off and vote Tory for nothing. Now they gone and voted Libdem and Green and Plaid and SNP! Traitors! They’re undermining the leader! And that’s his job!”

The Brexiters however seemed strangely pleased.

”Endless struggle. We now have endless struggle. And most importantly, Nigel’s EU pension is only getting fatter, well, assuming it isn’t all docked away for expenses fiddling by the time he finally retires.”

None of this was destined of course, until the Labour and Conservatives reacted to the fraudulent EU referendum in 2016 by deciding the centre, and left to right of it, in British politics had ceased to exist.

Policy made in denial, it seems, eventually led to exile. At least that’s apparently how Jeremy Corbyn plans to govern the Labour Party now that most of the PLP have finally split. As to the Tories? Who cares. So long and good riddance.

The polls have it. The polls have it.

GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBOURS : Home Office Minister Sajid Javid has taken another great stride towards 10 Downing Street today by taking a pop at the Scots.

“It’ll play really well to the Tory membership, including the one that lives in Scotland,” Mr Jobby told LCD Views, “I’m personally very pleased with today’s tweet. When Sajid asked me to be a campaign adviser I wasn’t aware quite how hard we’d punch out at the colonials. I’m really enjoying it. I’m drafting a tweet insulting Nicola Sturgeon’s mate Varadkar next. This is to ensure he also knows who he’s dealing with when Sajid also re-negotiates the Irish backstop. And don’t get me started on the Welsh!”

Why not?

”We don’t know any of their names.”

Negotiations over borders and backstops promise to feature highly in any Javid premiership, given how fast the rush to independence for the various nations of the U.K. is likely to be. And that’s regardless of who is installed as the next Tory PM.

But what would Mr Javid do in the highly unlikely event of Scottish independence?

”That’s just not up for discussion. As the future prime minister revealed in his tweet to Scotland today, the Scots know the benefit from English rule. They won’t want to change the habits of centuries. They voted in 2014 to stay in the union, largely on the basis of EU membership, but no one cares about that anymore. We’re all Brexiters now. Even the Scottish! Because they’re ruled wisely by the English.”

Play along though, what if? Purely hypothetically?

”Firstly, and this is confidential. If Scotland tries to hold another independence referendum Sajid is likely to nuke Nicola Sturgeon.”

Actually use Trident?

”Yes. We will deal with the SNP once and for all! Mwahahaha!”

But what if that fails to annihilate the Scottish independence drive?

”Oh, then Mr Javid promises a free and frictionless border with Scotland. Dealing with the Scots is really very simple. Just wait to see what Mr Javid tweets on it once he becomes PM. He’s just getting warmed up.”

Ann Widdecombe, the face that launched a thousand shrieks, has vowed to make a difference in the EU. Her first ambition is to sit on the fisheries committee.

Nigel Farage, the face that launched a thousand shakes, is backing her bid. “It’s an excellent career move,” he coughs. “It brought me fame and fortune and a fish supper for doing fuck all!”

Widdecombe herself was eloquent on the subject. “I have a duty to make the unelected bureaucrats see that Brexit means Brexit,” she screeched, in that familiar banshee with elocution lessons voice. “I will shout it in their faces until they get it. That’s the only way to deal with Johnny Foreigner!”

That is, if she attends any more often than Nigel. “Of course I will,” confirms Widdecombe. “I’m not going to Brussels though. I can’t stand sprouts, they give me frightful wind!”

Widdecombe confirms that she will actually be working from home a lot. “I will make a full contribution,” she promises. “I must get on to the council to organise me a postal vote!”

Essentially that means she will be sitting at home, writing letters about fish. “And being paid for it!” Widdecombe points out. “Otherwise it’s the same as what I was doing anyway. It’s win win!”

The fisheries committee meets on a Tuesday. “That’s unfortunate,” Widdecombe comments. “My dancing classes are on Tuesday. It’s a question of priorities.”

So, attendance as frequent as Nigel, then? “As an elected member of the unelected bureaucracy, it is my duty to remind women everywhere that they need to be dragged around by the hair,” she argued. “Only then can Britain return to its glory days!”

Widdecombe has already drafted her maiden aunt speech. “One of my nephews is sorting out this Skype thingy for me,” she explained. “Since my nice new blue passport doesn’t let me travel to the EU, it’s only advisory.”

It’s all rather fishy.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg, newly elected MEP for the East Midlands, has expressed a certain amount of confusion. Where the hell is it, she wants to know.

This will come as a great comfort to voters in Sutton-on-Sea, Chapel-en-le-Frith and Barton-in-the-Beans. She is a clean slate, a blank page. She will have no preconceptions as well as no knowledge.

“One has no idea where this East Midlands place is,” said Annunziata, after several victory glasses of vintage champagne. “It doesn’t matter, it sounds ghastly, wherever it is. I’m not going to sit in the bloody EU parliament anyway!”

Erm, it’s your job now, a nervous aide reminded her. You have been democratically elected to serve…

“Nonsense! Off with his head!” she retorted. “I rule, you serve. That’s what this is all about. Remove this blithering idiot from my presence and have him executed at dawn!”

I have a map of the UK if it helps, squeaked another aide. If you take the train from St Pancras…

“One does not use public transport!” she replied magnificently. “If one cannot get there within the hour in one’s brother’s post chaise, then it can’t be worth going. Throw this man into the dungeons!”

Look, it’s just here! gestured the departing minion, desperately waving his map as Annunziata’s heavies dragged him off by the hair.

“One does not even acknowledge the existence of The North,” replied Annunziata conclusively. “Flat caps, clogs and cobbles. Like one of Jacob’s little fantasies.”

Very soon the afterglow of her victory began to fade. Before long, like a Cheshire Cat, all that remained was Nigel Farage’s grin.

Once upon a time, the UK followed a white elephant down a rabbit hole. It followed a dodo, ate some magic mushrooms and listened in thrall to a pack of lies told by a pack of cards. Let us hope that it wakes up before it’s too late.

Labour has responded to their outstanding success in recent elections by calling for a general election. Strategists are projecting that Labour could win as many as 150 seats.

“This is our moment!” claimed Labour insider Les Ismore. “The Tories are in disarray. We lost fewer than them, that means we won!”

Doesn’t the fact that other parties won more seats than Labour concern you?

“What? No way,” replied Ismore. “We have a two party system, you know!”

So how will things pan out, given that the two main parties did so poorly?

“We did well. Very well indeed,” Ismore corrected. We are on course to win a landslide of cast-iron safe Labour seats!”

All the available information says that a Remain orientated, second referendum supporting Labour party would clean up at at a general election.

“But that is not an option,” mealy-mouthed Ismore. “We promised to respect the first referendum, however corrupt and however narrow the result. It’s the will of the people, and what the people want now is irrelevant.”

How many voters would you lose by changing tack?

“Lots. Hundreds. Dozens, maybe,” admitted Ismore. “But they are the ones threatening violence, and we deplore violence.”

How does that square with ‘For the many, not the few’?

“It makes perfect sense for the many Brexit supporters!” replied Ismore.

Meanwhile there is a growing grassroots rebellion in The North. Natural Labour supporters, disappointed with their party sucking up to fascists, are taking direct action.

“We ain’t throwing milkshakes!” explained activist Chuck Foodstuffs. “Instead, we are slathering anyone who comes beyond the M25 to preach Brexit with tomato ketchup.”

Wouldn’t brown sauce be more, erm, Northern?

“Aye, but no self-respecting northerner would throw their brown sauce,” explained Foodstuffs. “It’s practically currency oop ‘ere.”

If a general election is called, expect to see a lot of red-faced Labour campaigners.

Shock news emerged this morning as the new frontrunner in the Tory leadership race is Margaret Thatcher. Her ghost has vowed to defeat all the other insubstantial phantoms, wraiths and spirits heading towards the Brexit trap door like so many zombies.

“I must return to haunt my successors,” wailed the ghost. “There is no alternative!”

Thatcher’s ghost is expected to win by one of her landslide majorities. She will then clear out all the dead wood from the front bench. “We may have to govern on our own,” she declared.

The fact that Thatcher is actually dead is a great advantage. It should prove very useful when dealing with the skeletons in the closet.

Thatcher’s ghost declared that she had the perfect solution to Brexit. “It’s an elephant in the room,” she observed, “And elephants are scared of mice. I shall bring mice to every cabinet meeting and flush the beast out!”

This has caused an upheaval in Westminster. Boris Johnson has already withdrawn his candidacy to fawn at Thatcher’s ghost, in the hope of getting the ultimate shag.

Michael Gove is seriously worried. As a will o’ the wisp candidate, now you see him, now you don’t, Thatcher’s ghost is a threat to his undead support.

Meanwhile Chris Grayling went to have a stern word with Charon, ferryman to the underworld, about letting Thatcher return, but ended up ordering pizza. That’s how it’s done in the Styx.

Thatcher’s ghost has instantly appealed to members past and present. She represents a glorious, mythical golden age, and is every bit as alive as many Conservative voters in marginal seats.

But it is not all plain sailing. If Thatcher can return, say many disaffected Tories, why not other heroes from the past? The next person expected to stand for leadership is the winner of two world wars and one world cup, Winston Churchill.

BOLD MOVE : Underperforming and outgoing prime minister Theresa May has appointed that stalwart of efficient public governance, Christ!opher Grayling to run the Conservative Party leadership contest.

The move, described as expected, looks certain to secure her tenure inside 10 Downing Street, even after Donald Trump’s visit.

”It will never be completed,” our Conservative Party analyst observed, “the contest to replace her. That’s why she’s done it. And even if, in the most unlikely circumstances, Grayling does see the contest through to privatisation, it will have to be undone. So she’ll end up back where she wants to be, making statements that impact the Sterling exchange rates. Which is as curious for a democracy as having a Secretary of State for Health taking money from advocates of private health care.”

Grayling himself is said to be honoured by her choice and has immediately dedicated himself to making a good fist of it.

”He’s invited all the pizza delivery firms going to bid for the job,” our analyst analysers, “which is smart. Hot favourite to replace May, Boris “Fcuk Business” Johnson, won’t get you a pizza delivered by a ferry.”

The contest is expected to kick off soon and can reasonably be expected to bankrupt the United Kingdom.

”With Grayling running it? Time and cost over runs are built into the planning. Loads of people will get rich. It’s the design. That’s why he’s still there.”

We wish the Prime Minister luck with her gambit and even if it goes wrong, and we end up with a car ferry running the country, we are certain the terms and conditions attached to the next prime minister will be easy to google.

Stepping down is a stepping stone for someone stepping up to the plate. Theresa May is using her last legs to walk away from the top job with her head held low.

The race is on to find her replacement. Almost everybody in the parliamentary Conservative party has put their best foot forward to step into her kitten heels.

They won’t choose someone better than May. That would be like admitting they got it wrong last time, and they never do that. So the Tories are looking for someone even worse.

Fortunately, this means they have a huge field to choose from. But who will be the lucky loser? Who will claim the poisoned chalice? Here at LCD Views we have to concede, grudgingly, May’s success in securing a Brexit deal, even if it was shit. Who among the runners and riders could do almost as well?

“It’s like the Grand National,” argued analyst Roy Lascott. “The favourites will crowd each other out, fall at the first hurdle, and hopefully be put down.”

But who will win? “A 50-1 outsider will romp home,” said Lascott. “The winner will be less ambitious, less talented and far more cautious than any other candidate. The worst horse generally wins, and this is as true for horse racing as it is for Tory party leadership contests.”

Lascott gave LCD Views a run-down of some of the hopefuls. “Boris’ blokey bluff and bluster won’t wash with the wily Europeans,” he said. “They have professional politicians over there, rather than the not-very-gifted amateurs we have in the UK. Jeremy C. Hunt, well the name says it all. If you ask Dominic Raab to distinguish between Mark Francois and a nineties indie band, you will find he can’t tell an arse from Elbow.”

What of the other candidates?

“Michael Gove is only standing so he can stab Boris in the back again,” opined Lascott. “Sajid Javid has a chance, since he makes May look compassionate by comparison. Jeremy Corbyn is so useless that, if he weren’t in the Labour party, he would be a shoe-in.”

“To be honest, the best available candidate cannot stand – John Bercow. He would certainly bring oooooorrrrrrrddddeeeerrrrrr!”